175. Invisible Labor: Why High-Achieving Women Feel So Overwhelmed

Ash returns with a deeply personal solo episode… a January recap with lots of life updates, personal mishaps and celebrations. 

From moving into a new home, navigating sickness, shifting work rhythms, and questioning the “do it all” narrative, this episode is an honest reflection on what women hold, what we’re quietly carrying, and what happens when we finally slow down enough to notice it.

TOPICS WE EXPLORE:
• January as a season of fullness, slowness, and wintering
• Moving homes and creating a space that supports real life
• Letting go of rigid timelines for goals and planning
• What happens when sickness forces everything to pause
• The invisible labor women carry inside families and partnerships
• Questioning the “we can do it all” version of feminism
• Slowing down in business and what it gives back to relationships
• The grief and complexity of giving more than you receive
• Redefining productivity, success, and enough
• Being a woman in midlife, in transition, in truth
• Choosing presence, humor, and honesty over performance

POINT OF THE EPISODE:
So much of what feels heavy isn’t because you’re doing something wrong, it’s because you’re carrying too much without talking about it. This episode is an invitation to tell the truth about the emotional weight women hold, to soften the pressure to do it all, and to remember that being human counts.

MENTIONED:

• Upcoming bonus cycle phase meditations (follicular, ovulation, luteal)
• Her Rhythms inside The Regulated Woman
• Fit With Coco workouts
• MixerMind and Ash’s role as a pod leader
• “The Human Advantage” training 

MORE ABOUT ASH
I am the definition of duality — I swear like a sailor and break rules like it’s my job, but I also hold incredible space for my clients and work my ass off to help them achieve the success they’re after. But I'm also here for the non-preneur woman, too. My background in counseling gives me a unique perspective on what it means to show up, serve, & create connection for those who feel like they've never belonged before.

LINKS:

• Become the Regulated Woman
• Get emails that feel like your best friend (if your best friend was a therapist and actually told you the truth).
• Use code BB20 to get The Burnout Breakthrough for only $7
• Follow me on IG (dropping in once a quarter for updates & gossip)
• Website: ashmcdonaldmentoring.com

Work with me 1:1

•  Therapeutic Mentorship
•  Business Therapy (therapy + strategic mentorship)

Transcript

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There's this massive, like invisible labor role that us women carry, and it's a lot. And I just think we really need to be honest about the weight of it. I think that so much of what feels heavy isn't that we're doing anything wrong, but that we're not talking about it. Hi, welcome back to the Shamelessly Ambitious Podcast. We have completed the series. We've completed the Energy Is Everything series. It was so good. It was so rich. I hope that you loved it so, so much. And the bonus episode that went out last week was a menstrual phase meditation as well, which I really hope you loved. And the next several bonus episodes are going to be the rest of our beautiful phases, filiclear, ovulation, luteal, very specific meditations for each phase. It's something I've wanted to put out into the world. And I'm just so excited to have it there. And now we're formally back for the solo episodes. And oh my gosh. It's so funny what happens in our heads when we switch things up. I was really excited this year to do these series for guests as opposed to just like random guests here and there. And I feel really excited about it. And then also, it is like totally switching gears, going from interviewing people to coming back to these solo episodes. Although I will say I wildly missed the solo episode. So I'm excited to be back, excited to share. And I was actually listening to a few podcasts the past few weeks. And there was a few that I listened to that I was particularly interested in listening to because they were so personal and so, for lack of better words, they were essentially like recaps of one's life. And I just found them to be so interesting. And so that's how I wanted to drop back in here, a little recap of January. And, you know, especially now that I'm not on social media at all, things are really just wild because I feel like I used to share everything and now I share nothing. And I think this might be a really beautiful, like middle ground of coming back to sharing what I think can be important to share and beautiful to share, validating for others, maybe a little confirming for me, you know, you name it. But here we are. Oh my gosh, we are officially in February. Also, can we just talk about how it came so fast? Like, how did we get here? How did we get here so fast? It was like in a blank we were in freaking February. But let's do a little recap of January. January felt, like I said, super fast, definitely full. And really beautiful. A lot of really beautiful things. We moved January 1st. We moved into our new home. And I love it so much. Oh my gosh. I love it so, so much. It is so perfect for our family. I wish I could show you. I wish I could show you. Little side tangent. I am changing so much behind the scenes. There's so much shifting. And one of the things that I'm really sitting on, and I really have to tell my email list this, and I haven't yet, but is that I'm bored as shit with a few things in my business. And I'm just in this exploratory phase of like what comes next and what do I share. But one concept I have is actually doing more of kind of a recap in my email as well with pictures and videos and the things that I would traditionally share. And so maybe there I'll do a little tour of the new house and the new office. And just yeah, I created, I made myself a gym. For those of you who know, I'm like Fit with Coco Obsessed. I'll link her in the show notes because I'm obsessed. I've been doing her workouts now forever. I don't even know, really long time. And I love them so much. I've gotten so many people on to Fit with Coco. And I made myself a little gym and it's so great. And it's actually, I'm in the basement. So I have a little office space in the basement. And there's just this one full half section of the basement that's like one part gym, one part office. And it is just dreamy. It's freaking dreamy. And I'm so happy. So happy. And so yeah. And to be honest, something that was really different this year than January's past is that I traditionally December finalizing all of my end of year, new year goals, all those things. And I have had a system for years and I've loved it. I shared a little bit of it on this podcast, in fact. And I just didn't get to it, y'all. I just did not get to it in December. And I still haven't even completed it all of January. I'm still working on it in February. And I think traditionally that would have really irritated me, but it's felt really, really good. Um, it's felt really good. It's felt like I'm actually honoring the season of winter. I think there's more talk of that. At least I'm experiencing more talk of that of people really, and maybe it's just because I'm not on social anymore. I'm just in real life conversations, but of people who are like, I have no desire to go, go, go, go and be super fast and do all the things. I just want to be right here experiencing winter. And in Colorado, it took a hot sec for winter to actually hit. So now that it's here, yeah, it feels really good to go slow. In fact, my girlfriend came over the other day to do some coworking and see the new house. And we ultimately decided to watch a movie on the couch. And it was so good. It was so good. And that's that feels like January to me. We also, I think, like many got completely knocked out by sickness. I think this is the first time this has ever happened, but I got sick and all three of my children got sick at the exact same time. So I feel like traditionally it happens in like tears, you know, like one kid's sick and then the other. And then it does feel like it lasts forever. So I am grateful for that because it was just like one solid week. But God was it hard to be mom. Oh my God, was it so hard to be mom and be so sick. I've never been so sick. The flu is wild. It's wild. And of course, that also turned a lot of things off that I would traditionally be doing. It's just, you know, whether in my own decisions or life's invitations, it's been full but slow, which has been really beautiful. What else is new? Lots of new friends, lots of new community. Obviously, we landed here in like late July. So we're going on a good six months of being here. And it takes a minute, you know? And so I feel like I've been making a lot of new friends and it feels really, really good to be back in community. And I'm realizing a few things. One, I'm realizing that, and this might sound a little egotistical, but just hear me out. I really care about being a good friend. Like I care about remembering things that you've said and checking in on them. I care about going out of my way. I care, I just care about being a good friend. It really matters to me. And I can be really generous with my time and energy and like showing up for people. And I love that. I do love that version of me. And I notice this feeling of I don't know, grief feels like a very strong word. But a feeling of like, where's the reciprocity? Yeah, that's it. I feel like I tend to give more than I get back. And I'm just sort of navigating in question a little bit, like, what does that mean? Does it mean I should give less, which I really don't think so? That's not that doesn't feel natural to me. And then also it doesn't feel good to like expect less. So I don't know. That's my I don't know thing. I'm just figuring it out. Although I will say I did determine in in December all of Q4 and then moving into January too. I was giving a lot when it came to my kids' school, just volunteering and showing up and saying yes to a million things. And I was really like mid-January, I like put the kibosh on that. Like it's just too much. And that can be me too, for sure. Saying yes to too many things. And I that makes me really want to talk about this topic that's been coming up a lot. This idea of like how much women are holding. I feel like in a lot of natural conversations with friends and even colleagues, there's just been this theme and clients, this theme of, you know, how much us women are holding, right? Success, this idea of being able to have our own businesses or our own careers or to pursue and chase things that we want. We got access to this, which was so beautiful after, I mean, God, forever trying to make it happen. And maybe this is polarizing. I don't know. I'm just, I'm having, can I just say this? I'm just gonna say it. I'm having like an all-out battle with feminism lately. I've always identified myself as a feminist. And then over the past few months, I'm like, actually, I don't love this like we can do it all narrative. This, like, yeah, I can own a business and be a CEO and manage the finances. But you know what didn't stop? Having to be a mom and a partner and the scheduler and the fucking emotional anchor and the one who remembers everything. And yeah, I didn't sign up for that. I had an episode that came out a few weeks ago, if you heard it, where I talked about how slowing down in my business has really saved my marriage. I didn't even know my marriage needed saving, to be totally frank. But I've noticed that my husband has stepped in in ways that he hasn't in the past. And and let me be very clear, my husband has always been, I mean, we've always had a 50-50 marriage. Like there are, I say this in the gosh, how do I word this? I have an incredible husband, y'all. 10 out of 10. I'm obsessed with him. He's so good. So good. Best, he's the best. He's amazing. And I still think that I like caught myself there in the 50-50 because I it can't be 50-50. Like, can I just say that? Like it's literally impossible for it to be 50-50. It's impossible. Because of who we are as women. I see things my husband doesn't see. I think of things my husband doesn't think of. And I'm not saying this like he's done it wrong. It's more of a society thing. You know what I mean? And then I added on business. Well, I've kind of always had a business, so it's been a long time coming. But only in the past several months, if that, have I started to reduce the amount that I'm pouring into my business and slowed down a lot in there because I recognized how much capacity was required of me within my family life. And I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm having these conversations with women where we're all kind of like, whoa, we still have all the expectations to keep a great home and to make sure everybody's fed well and meals are planned and we take care of our bodies. And we haven't we've been talking about this forever. You know, this isn't a new conversation. But it's too much. It's just too much. And yeah, I guess that's what I'm navigating. I don't know if it's age. I don't know what it is. I feel like there were eras of me that was like, fuck it, I can do it all. I'm everything to everybody, and that's great, and it's fine. And watch me, you know. And now I'm like, fuck it. Watch me sit on the couch because I need to be in a good mood when my kids get home, and it doesn't make sense for me to like overexert myself. And it's kind of funny. I actually have many moments when I'm like laughing out loud at like how I operate now. Like I'll be in the middle of work and I like finish something and I could do a few more things, and instead I don't. In fact, the other day, my husband came downstairs to say hey, and I was like packing my stuff up and like closing my office down, air quotes here. And he was like, What are you doing? Are you going somewhere? I'm like, no, I finished everything on my to-do list. And he was like, Oh, it was like one o'clock in the afternoon. He was like, Oh, and I'm like, Yeah, so I'm gonna go put a show on and eat lunch. And I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. And I said, I said, usually in past versions of me, I would have done a million other things, but I just I don't want to. It's not good for me. And I want to be good for everybody else. And that's who I am now. It's very interesting. It's very interesting. All that to say, there's this massive, like invisible labor role that us women carry, and it's a lot. And I just think we really need to be honest about the weight of it. I think that so much of what feels heavy isn't that we're doing anything wrong, but that we're not talking about it. And, you know, we carry too much for too long and we don't ever say it out loud. Or we just say it in negative ways instead of maybe laughing about it, because I'm not necessarily offering you a solution outside of obviously some of these like perspective shifts and ways that I'm doing things a little bit differently in this season of my life, which in all transparency I know is not always feasible. And I get that. So yeah, I don't have an answer, but I think it's important to talk about. In fact, I this year, a new role that I took on is a mixer mind podleader. So I talked a lot about this mixer mind, like this networking group that I'm a part of. And this year I was asked to be a pod leader. And one of the things that we have the opportunity to do is to present a training from all the pod leaders that people can tune into if they would so do choose. And I was really like, oh, what can I talk about? You know, like I was again, everything's feeling boring to me right now. So I don't know what's gonna happen, but that many gen energy is high. And I'm just like, I need something to shift, which is why I'm like just looking at like, how can I change up my podcast? How can I change up the email? Not that they're going away, but like, what can I do differently that makes it more exciting? All that to say. I didn't want to just do your traditional training. And so I ended up creating a training that I ended up titling The Human Advantage, the Psychology of Success in an AI saturated world. And I did it like a podcast interview, except I was interviewing myself. And I essentially just like curated seven questions that I get asked all the time as a therapist and a nervous system first business strategist. And it's really interesting. And one of the things I talked about is like the why behind all these roles that we carry and why they make things feel so heavy and what they cost us. And what else did I talk about? I talked about AI, of course, and the good, bad, the ugly, everything in between. I talked about what's working, what's not working. I talked about how we are creating burnout cycles and how it was it was any, anyways, it was a really good conversation. And I'm really proud of it. And so I was gonna just add in here like shameless plug, if you want it. It's not really a shameless plug because I'm literally giving it to you for free. Uh, there will be a link in the show notes just to email me and say, I want the training, I want the human advantage, and I'll just send it to you. It's that simple if that's something you're interested in. I think it's like 25 minutes long. Anyways, that's the conversation. I that's one of the things I'm doing. So I've been creating that. That's what I was sharing. I'm like, what was I talking about? The mixed or mind. And that's really exciting because I'm like, I'm a pod leader for so there's two pods per year, and it's five other women, and we have calls every month, and I'm just the facilitator for it. So I'm there more as like peer mentorship, but it's exciting, it's new. So that's one thing I'm doing. I'm still not on social media. You probably know this, but still hate its guts, still feel exceptionally good about not being on it. I was thinking about like, oh, what else would I share? Would I share like what I've been reading? And I laughed because I don't know what has gotten into me, but like I read so many books at the end of last year, and then I think maybe I burned myself out or something because I was like not wanting to pick up another book. And so I've binged a billion shows. I kind of went on an HBO binge. So I have for you. That shit is wild. If you have never watched that, oh my gosh. Mayor of East Town, that was so good. So good. Loved that. Sharp Objects, that was another really good one. Task was a good one. I also watched that new movie with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. What is it called? The oh my god. The something, the rip, the rip. Those are good. Those are really good. So I'm excited to get back into reading. I'm actually headed out in just a few days. I am taking a flight to Costa Rica. And it's my first time being back in Costa Rica since we've lived there in 2022. So it's crazy. And I'm going with my girlfriend who I've known for a billion years, and we're going there for four days, just the two of us, and then a seven-day retreat. So we're there for a long time. And I'm so excited. And I have a lot of books in mind to read for that. But I've kind of been a little bingey. What else? Oh, this is a big one. This is a really big one. I okay, so let me set the stage, a little bit of context here. Okay. I once upon a time, when I was originally going to school, so even in undergrad, in undergrad, I had this mentor and she was phenomenal and I loved her so much. And she was my teacher in some sociology classes that I took, which is why I ended up getting a bachelor's of sociology and a minor in psychology. And she just inspired the hell out of me the way that she mommed. And that's very interesting. Context too is I was actually very impressed by her as a mom. She had four kids and she really prioritized them. And I witnessed that very immediately in my interactions with her. But she also was a teacher, obviously, at my college. And then she was a therapist on the side. And I like, she was the first time meeting her, getting to know her. I was like, oh, that's what I want to do. I want to be a therapist and I want to be a teacher. And funny enough, when I went to school originally, I was a teaching, what is it called? I'd like to declare it as a teaching degree, but I never went through with it. And so I eventually switched to sociology. Anyhow, she had asked me to be her teaching assistant for a while while I was an undergrad. And I absolutely loved it. And I got to teach sociology 101 and sociology gender sociology, such good, good times in my life. I loved it so much. And so then I went off to get my master's in sociology and then took my master's in counseling psychology with the intention of eventually probably getting my PhD and becoming a teacher and being a therapist. And then right out of grad school, I opened my private practice and did that for a little while. And I was just really enthralled with therapy. Like the teaching just kind of took a back seat because I was just so obsessed with being a therapist. And then I had a baby. And life just shifted so drastically. Everything changed. And then I ended up in the online space and the rest is history. Well, as of the past six or seven months, I've really been thinking, like, gosh, I wonder now that we're landed, now that we're somewhere, what would it be like to explore teaching again? And I had this incredible meeting. Nothing has come to fruition, but I'll just like bring you along on the ride. But I had this meeting, and funny how things happen, right? I decided to go to an event in Oregon in September. And there was a pre-event virtual meeting where everybody who was VIPs and I decided to buy a VIP ticket could come together and meet and connect. And one of the gals there was like, I work at CU Denver, and I obviously live in Colorado. Of course, just being in Colorado, I'm like, oh, I'd love to connect with you. But she works at CU Denver, which is where I got my master's degree. So I was like, oh my gosh, this is so exciting. Well, we finally were able to have coffee just a couple weeks ago. And yeah, I don't know where it's gonna go, but I am currently helping her to explore other courses that they can add to the curriculum at the entrepreneurial school. So there's the a program at CU Denver that is an entrepreneurship degree, essentially. You it's just it's so cool. I'm not gonna get into all the nitty-gritty of it, but so cool. It did not exist when I was in school. It is relatively new, although sickening to think that I graduated with my master's degree over 10 years ago. That's insane. So, anyhow, I am exploring what it would look like to be an adjunct professor to help the development of some curriculum to become potentially a resident mentor in this entrepreneurial department at the business school there. And I'm just really excited about it. I left, like again, I don't know where it's all gonna go, but I left feeling so excited. This feels really exciting. And it's not gonna change my business. That's why I love it too, is that it it provides me the opportunity to continue my entrepreneurial journey, but also to do something different and to go back to those roots. Like I love teaching. That's why I've built like a bazillion courses. I love teaching, I love speaking, I love, I love the idea of supporting people who are brand new in their journey and could really use some wisdom. I would have loved that support. I loved the role that my teacher had on my life. Her name was Mrs. Schott. And I will never forget the impact she had on my life. And I always dreamt that I would get to be that impactful in the world. And so just the idea of that leadership opportunity is very exciting for me. They have some opportunities for me to be a panelist and an MC at a few events. There's just so much. And so it's just really exciting. And so again, I don't know how that's gonna unfold. I have no idea how that's gonna unfold, but I'm here for it and I'm excited about it. And yeah, at the end of the day, getting older is teaching me how to seek excitement in every moment, even if excitement looks like ice cream and chocolate chips in the middle of the day or calling up a friend to have a uh this is my new thing now, okay? Espresso martinis. I discovered them about a year ago. That sounds stupid to most people, maybe, but I had never had one. I don't drink caffeine, so it has ended up in some bad situations, but I've learned how to make them at home and I make them with decaf and they're phenomenal and I'm obsessed with them. So inviting a friend over for a decaf espresso martini or going on a trip with a girlfriend that you've known since you were 12 or squeezing your kids a little extra harder. Or recently I've made a few new dinner recipes. I made this like shrimp and angel hair pasta with like asparagus and tomatoes. And I really thought that every single person in my family was going to be like, what is this? It's so disgusting, which is why I never make stuff like that. And they were all like, this is so good. Make it again. Funny, funny how life does that. So yeah, being a human feels hard. Being a woman feels hard. And I'm finding humor in it and I'm finding honesty in it. And I'm meeting myself in some very divine experiences right now. I just recently planned, I reached out to every woman that I know locally and invited them, probably not every woman, but as many women as I could and invited them to come together to watch Weathering Heights on the 15th of February for like a Galantine's. And now I think I have eight or nine people that are a yes. And uh there's literally no connection between any of them. It's like I know you from my kids' school. I know you from working with you. I know you from high school I know you from elementary school. So I'm really excited for that. I think what's interesting is that I really believe that control is a trauma response. And I'm noticing that a certain amount of healing must have really taken place because I feel a whole lot less control. Although I will add maybe my last little thought here that decorating my home and making it in my eyes absolutely perfect has been so good. I have loved it so much. And I'm so happy with it. And it's it always makes me laugh because my kids are like literally I like decorating and I like creating just this very vibey experience in our home with like soft lights and candles in certain places and my whole family just laughs at me. I was obsessive about that probably the first three weeks of January and it's you know now it's done. I we've lived here a month and it's done and it's stunning and I love it. So yeah I think that's it. And it's an ode to all the women out there who have a million roles and do a million things and it's not necessarily a solution as much as camaraderie. We're in this together and we matter and the emotional labor is a lot I certainly cry about it often. And not because anybody's doing me wrong or I'm doing anything wrong or anything's wrong but because your kid says something that makes you think I want to spend more time with you or you're asked for something that you don't have the capacity to give or you sit down at the end of the day and you think did I even do anything? Those are real emotions and I think that one of the greatest gifts of not being on social media is that I am no longer stuck comparing myself to a lot of unrealistic lives. Just the real real the mom jeans and the you know yeah the other day I was leaving my house and my girlfriend was leaving my house as well and I was going to pick up the kids and I was laughing so hard because I was wearing these baggy sweats and then I put on these snow boots and I had to put a beanie on because my bangs were like so greasy and I just really looked like such a hot mess. I'm like I don't even care. This is how I leave the house. And that laughter and that moment of being seen is those are the moments my friends. So anyway it's glad to be back. It's glad I'm glad you're glad we're glad we're here and I'll see you on the next episode