181. Success Anxiety: Why Achievement Makes Women Play Smaller

You finally have the thing you worked so hard for… so why does it feel scarier now than when you started?

In this solo episode, Ash gets personal about what February taught her, from a soul-recharging trip to Costa Rica to a full business rebrand in motion, and lands on a truth that's been showing up over and over again with her clients: success doesn't always set us free. Sometimes it shrinks us.

Because it's easier to be bold when you have nothing to lose. But what happens when you've built something real? When the stakes are higher and your nervous system starts treating your dream like a threat?

This is the conversation around the Golden Cage, and why staying brave once you have something to lose might be the most important work of your next level.

TOPICS WE EXPLORE:

• Why achievement can make high-achieving women play it safe
• The Golden Cage concept — how success can quietly become a cage
• Why your nervous system doesn't care that you're successful
• How identity attachment to your business invites you to shrink
• The difference between real risk and perceived ego threat
• Why it's easier to dream when you have nothing to protect
• The Upper Limit Problem and how self-sabotage shows up at your next level
• Why remembering to be a beginner is the key to staying bold
• How loosening your grip on identity creates space to evolve
• Ash's personal February reflections — Costa Rica, big business shifts, and calling in bravery

POINT OF THE EPISODE:

The higher you climb, the more your nervous system has to protect, and that's exactly when most women start playing smaller. The next level of success isn't just about building more. It's about staying brave, staying curious, and remembering that tenacious beginner energy that got you here in the first place. Separate real risk from ego threat, loosen your grip on who you've been, and give yourself permission to evolve.

MENTIONED:

• The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks: a must-read on upper limits and self-sabotage
• Leisha Drews on the Happily Hormonal Podcast: Ash joined Leisha to talk high-functioning burnout, why your body adapts to stress so well it starts to feel normal, and the exact nervous system framework Ash taught Leisha in their one-to-one. If you care about your hormones, your health, and your wellness as a woman, this episode is a must-listen.
• Episode 173 with Leisha Drews on Shamelessly Ambitious: if you missed this one, go back and listen. It's exceptional.

MORE ABOUT ASH
I am the definition of duality — I swear like a sailor and break rules like it’s my job, but I also hold incredible space for my clients and work my ass off to help them achieve the success they’re after. But I'm also here for the non-preneur woman, too. My background in counseling gives me a unique perspective on what it means to show up, serve, & create connection for those who feel like they've never belonged before.

LINKS:

• Become the Regulated Woman
• Get emails that feel like your best friend (if your best friend was a therapist and actually told you the truth).
• Use code BB20 to get The Burnout Breakthrough for only $7
• Follow me on IG (dropping in once a quarter for updates & gossip)
• Website: ashmcdonaldmentoring.com

Work with me 1:1

•  Therapeutic Mentorship
•  Business Therapy (therapy + strategic mentorship)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What happens when we have big success? And this is maybe a touch polarizing. How success can sometimes shrink us. And what I mean by that is it's easier to be bold when there's not a lot at stake. And then there's also this like certain level of attachment that takes place when we have a business and we have an income and we have the success, we identify with it. But it can invite us to play safe, to stay in our lane, to not be as bold or as reckless. But when you're brand new, when you're a beginner, you're like, fuck it. That's it, right? Anything's possible. Hello, my friend, and welcome back to the Shamelessly Ambitious Podcast. We are here again with another recap episode. I did this last month. Actually, that was gosh, what episode was that? Episode 175. I did a little January recap and I had a lot of really good feedback. And so I thought I'd come back, do it again. A little bit of the personal, a little bit about what's going on in my life, particularly what happened in the month of February. I felt like February, well, I feel like this whole year, if anyone can relate, has just gone by so stinking fast. Like I don't know what's happening or why it's happening this way, but it's almost too fast. We're here we are. We are in March. How the heck? And yeah, when I reflect back on February, although very, very fast, it was wildly expansive. And I think like all things go, holding that duality of it also being incredibly contracting. For one, I started the month with a 10-day trip to Costa Rica with one of my closest friends. It was like part her and I, just the two of us, and then the other part, like full-blown yoga meditation retreat. It was so juicy. It was like, it was perfect. It was the perfect way to start the month. I personally love Costa Rica, but it was just like there was fun, like partying. There was also adventure, there was also tons of rest and reading and journaling and reflecting. We got our cards read, you know. This is my first time ever actually being a guest at a retreat as opposed to a host. That was a very interesting experience as well. And it was a part of the past couple of months, I've really worked to not use AI. I'm gonna get more into this in a future episode, but it just became very apparent to me how much it was stealing. And so just so much writing and it just felt so good. It felt so good. In fact, one of one of the days I opted out of one of the retreat adventures because I just I needed some solo time. At the end of the day, I am like so extroverted until I'm not, until I'm like, give me some time alone. And I used this time, oh my gosh, I got the juiciest spa experience. It was like right on the river, and you could hear it, though, doors were all open. So you could hear the river like rushing by. She gave me a massage and a facial, and like, oh my god, it was so good. And then I walked my days up to this area where we would have the majority of our meals. And I mean, words just don't do it justice. This place had the most epic views ever, like truly the most epic views I have ever seen in Costa Rica. It was just stunning. I saw a two can fly by. And as I was kind of journaling on the contraction that I'm feeling in life and like what comes next, and what do I do? It was really beautiful because I was surrounded by butterflies. And it just felt like such a sign. So Costa Rica was incredible. Uh, what else happened last month? I actually just a week ago was a panelist at CU Denver. I mentioned this in a couple episodes ago, that I've been exploring the idea of getting into the university world as a lecturer, as a professor, as a mentor, potentially. And I had the opportunity to kind of do Shark Tank where I was a panelist, listening to the pitches of these entrepreneurial students who wanted to pitch their business idea. And I had a fake million dollars to invest in their business ideas. And that was, it just was so good. I was so happy. I was so in my zone, like listening to these pitches, asking questions, giving feedback. I was like, oh my God, I was made for this. It was so good. And they were just so freaking passionate. I loved it. I loved that experience. Uh the kiddos tried snowboarding. So for the first time, I have historically been a snowboarder, although I have not snowboarded since my oldest was born, which is so sad. And we are definitely gonna go up. But we wanted the kids to have lessons, give it a shot. It was one of their Christmas gifts, and they freaking loved it. So now we're trying to figure out how to do more of that because it's not a cheap hobby. Uh, but my son was saying, Mom, I just want to be a snowboarding family. I'm like, okay, so next time Jake and I will strap on our boards and see if we've still got it. And that was really exciting. It's good to be back in Colorado, just a reminder again of like why I love it here so much. And through all of that, I've also had a lot of really cool big awareness around my business. And I've kind of been figuring this out for a couple of years and slowly morphing back to the one-to-one space, just realizing like I really took on this narrative and this belief that I'm meant to do these bigger containers because that's what the industry told me I had to do to scale. When in all actuality, I just really, really love the one-to-one work. It is just like it's my bread and butter. It's where I'm good. And it's also just what I love. I feel like the intimacy is so beautiful. And through that, I've been exploring, you know, what does that mean? And how can I kind of refine my brand? And so I've been doing some hiring and finding some support. I'm going to do another photo shoot. It's been about a year. I usually do a photo shoot like once a year. So having a lot of calls with a lot of incredible creative women and trying to figure out who's who and who can support me. And that's been really interesting and exciting and actually nailed down a lot of those things. So in the coming months, you might see some changes, which I'm excited to show you. Hi, sorry for the interruption again, but I have to tell you about a podcast episode. Now, if you remember, we had Leisha Cherose on my podcast just a little while ago. She is actually episode 173, and she is a wealth of knowledge. If you haven't listened to that episode, I highly, highly suggest that you do because as I mentioned then, she's not only a colleague of mine, but I've been a client of hers, and she's been a client of mine for years, which should tell you how much we trust and respect one another and why we did this amazing collaboration of being on one another's podcast. And regardless of listening to my episode on her podcast, you just have to listen to her podcast period. How many times? And I say that yes. Happily Vermonal is an extraordinary podcast that I listen to all the time. It's an exceptional show that is, you know, especially if you care about your wellness, your hormones, your health as a woman. It's just so good. So I was able to pop on there and talk about high-functioning burnout, what it feels like, how to identify if you have it. What I believe is the most important piece is understanding why your body adapts to stress so well that it actually starts to feel normal. And my favorite thing is that by listening to this episode, you're gonna walk away with a very simple, very practical framework that you can use in real time. The same framework that I actually taught Leisha in our one-to-one that will help you to calm your nervous system and create actual signals of safety in your body so you no longer have to live in a constant state of high-functioning burnout. So go listen to this episode and happily for model. The link is in the show notes. But in all that, I feel like I've also had a lot of really beautiful reflections over wow, what happens when we have big success. Right. And maybe, this is maybe a touch polarizing, how success can sometimes shrink us. And what I mean by that is it's easier to be bold when there's not a lot at stake. I had a client the other day and she was like, man, when I used to make, you know, good money, but not great money, like she's making now like tens and tens of thousands of dollars a month. She was just making a few thousand dollars a month. And she was like beating, riding this all, she was like, I'm just riding around in this old beat up car. And I didn't care. I was doing everything I wanted. I was so excited. I just kept bringing in more and more and more. And she's like, now I have all the things I've ever dreamed of, but I feel really cautious. I was like, man, nothing has ever felt more true. It's a little easier to dream when you're not protecting something, right? When you're not, you know, I think of like snowboarding, right? The steeper the slope, the further out my kids got, the more they were bracing themselves, the more nervous they were, the more they were like, oh no, I don't want to fall. I don't want to get hurt. And I know that feeling. And I've known that feeling in my business. And I've talked a lot recently about how, you know, things shifted between my husband and I over the past seven or eight months, especially when we were homeschooling and then coming here and landing and all the responsibilities that were, in fact, mine to, you know, find us a home and get us all settled and all these things that have happened. My husband, his success was kind of like catapulting, which is so beautiful. And we had to like stretch out in terms of like what that felt like. And also for the first time, it wasn't this um, there wasn't as much pressure on my shoulders. And it I realized that I started to dream again. I realized that I started to imagine possibilities and get excited about things that I hadn't really been considering before when the whole idea was just I got to get to this point. I got to make this much money, I have to provide for my family. And it just reminded me of this concept my client and I were talking about essentially the golden cage concept is what we'll call it, right? And how sometimes the greater the success, the bigger the gold, the more it becomes kind of a cage, unless you're willing to remember to be a beginner. And in truth, even we're talking about it psychologically, right? Success increases our perceived threat, right? Because our nervous system does not care that we are successful, right? All it cares about is what can be lost. And so there's there's that, and then there's also this like certain level of attachment that takes place when we have a business and we have an income and we have the success we we identify with it. Not bad per se, but it can invite us to play, play safe, right? To stay in our lane, to not be as bold or as reckless. But when you're brand new, when you're a beginner, you're like, fuck it. That's it, right? Anything's possible. I mean, might as well try, you know, better than nothing. And it's so interesting. And I feel like this is not the first, second, fourth, tenth time I've had this conversation on the podcast that at this point we're almost to 200 episodes. So I imagine I'm gonna have a lot of repeats. But it's an important conversation around remembering to be the beginner. And as I've been kind of looking at investments and figuring out what I want to change and what I want to shift, I've been really excited about what that can be because I am in fact embracing this beginner mentality again. I've allowed myself to. And so it's beautiful to see. And I just, I really wanted to share that. If you've ever read the book, The Big Leap, this is an epic book. It's a must read. And it talks a lot about our upper limits, right? This idea of self-sabotage. And it comes in the form of perfectionism or second guessing or delaying things or bringing the wrong energy to your actions because there's a part of our brain that thinks, oh my gosh, like this is unsafe. It's too much. I can't hold it. I can't continue this. And so I think today I wanted to leave you with this idea that the most important thing we can do is separate real risk from this perceived ego threat, right? Essentially loosening our attachment to this identity and allowing ourselves to yes, build something stable, but not so stable that we become afraid to evolve. Maybe maybe the the next level of success isn't about more and building more. Maybe maybe it's about staying brave once you have something to lose. And so, yeah, I'm just I'm calling in a lot of freaking bravery. That's it. And I'm being very aware of my upper limits. I'm remembering to be a beginner, I'm remembering what it looks like to stay excited and everything that I do. And and that's what February felt like. You know, being back in Costa Rica, which is where we started our traveling journey. And I felt like I just changed so much back in 2022 when we lived there. It felt like this remembering, and yeah, it's a remembering. And so that's what's going on in my world. And hopefully a little bit of wisdom dropping into you that makes you excited about what's possible and remembering just that tenacious, badass bitch that lives inside of you. So happy, shamelessly ambitious day, and I'll see you on the next episode.