192. What Regulation Actually Means (It’s Not the Zen Bullshit You’ve Been Sold)

Regulation is not being calm, checking a million boxes, or looking a certain way on the outside. The real definition of regulation is developing self-trust, adaptability, and the ability to stay with yourself rather than disassociate emotionally when life gets hard.

In this episode, we’ll explore how every emotion is a message, and every message draws the path forward to the success you’re after in your business, your relationships, and your life. Regulation is not something you can see on the outside, it’s all about what is happening on the inside. 

TOPICS WE EXPLORE:

• Why the aesthetic version of regulation is toxic
• What regulation actually is
• Why doing something because you should gives you zero results
•  How to use our emotions as the messages they are 
• The self-coaching loop and somatic framework I always use
• A permission slip to redefine regulation in a way that actually serves you

THE POINT:

Regulation is the speed with which you recover from the challenging parts of life. It’s self-trust, adaptability, and the ability to stay with yourself when things get hard (none of which you can see from the outside). 

MENTIONED:

• Episode 191: The Internet Made Hustle a Dirty Word
• Fit with Coco: Ash’s go-to workout
• Business Therapy: Ash’s one-on-one coaching

MORE ABOUT ASH
I am the definition of duality — I swear like a sailor and break rules like it’s my job, but I also hold incredible space for my clients and work my ass off to help them achieve the success they’re after. But I'm also here for the non-preneur woman, too. My background in counseling gives me a unique perspective on what it means to show up, serve, & create connection for those who feel like they've never belonged before.

LINKS:

• Become the Regulated Woman
• Get emails that feel like your best friend (if your best friend was a therapist and actually told you the truth).
• Use code BB20 to get The Burnout Breakthrough for only $7
• Follow me on IG (dropping in once a quarter for updates & gossip)
• Website: ashmcdonaldmentoring.com

Work with Ash

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

So, no, I don't believe that regulation is becoming calmer or slower or quieter or softer or fucking any in any way more aesthetically pleasing. I do not believe that for a hot second. I believe that it's emotional resilience. I believe that it's utilizing the practice that I talk about over and over and over again, the somatic world framework, the self-coaching move that I use constantly. That framework is what ensures my emotional resilience, my internal safety, not external. On the last episode, episode 191, we got into it about hustle culture and my beliefs, my opinions, my expertise on the topic of hustle culture sort of being demonized in the online space and what it's doing to us. And as I finished up that conversation, I knew that I needed to keep going and kind of at a different angle because I think part of the reason why this narrative is so still hot and heavy is because we are believing the wrong thing about regulation. I did this post when I was back on social for a short period of time that was basically like regulation isn't the zen bullshit that you've been sold. And it was a really fun post to create because I fundamentally believe that being regulated is when, yeah, you're a little unhinged. I think that's what I had said, unhinged on the outside, but you're untouchable on the inside. So regulation is not being calm. It's not the perfect schedule. It's not even meditation daily, even though I love meditation. Uh, hello. I'm also a manageen 5-2 Virgo Enneagram 3, ADHD, neurodivergent biatch over here. So meditation is really uncomfortable for me. And I do it begrudgingly, if I'm being honest. That is not regulation. I teach regulation and I do not teach that. Do I still use meditation? Yes. Do I still think it's good to do things like my favorite is actually going on a walk where you don't have any noise in your head because I think that dysregulation, so if we were to get more specific here, what we need to look at is what causes dysregulation. The opposite of that is regulation. So dysregulation for me is too much noise in. Too much noise, too much comparison. It makes me feel dysregulated. So the opposite of that is to curate some silence, to protect my boundaries around what I'm taking in, i.e., leaving social media, predominantly leaving social media, I might add, going for a silent walk, driving to go pick up my kids without listening to a boxer or listening to a podcast or even listening to music, just in silence, going for a hike in silence. Those are some of my methodologies. So what we're so focused on is this idea, this idealistic way that we believe regulation should look. Man, is that toxic? Man, is that toxic. So I really want you to ask yourself in this moment what do you currently, like before you hear what I have to say, how have you currently defined regulation? And is it actually something that is nowhere near attainable for you? Therefore, another shame-inducing thing, another thing that will make us feel like shit about what we're doing wrong. Can we be honest about that? So, no, I don't believe that regulation is becoming calmer or slower or quieter or softer or fucking any in any way more aesthetically pleasing. Right? I do not believe that for a hot second. I believe that it's emotional resilience. I believe that it's utilizing the practice that I talk about over and over and over again, the somatic wealth framework, the self-coaching loop that I use constantly. I've talked about this in so many episodes, I almost just don't even want to get into it in this episode. Okay. I do know that I shared it in 191. So go listen to that. That framework is what ensures my emotional resilience, my internal safety, not external. I mean, hello. If you see me, again, I am loud, I am blunt, I am a lot. I've always been told I was a lot. It took me a good 30 years. Mama's turning 39 this summer. Took me a good 30 years to love that part of me and to not feel like I needed to be less. Let's be honest, because I'm a woman in a fucking crazy ass society. But I am not less. I am vulgar, I'm ridiculous, I'm hilarious, if I do say so myself. I'm a good time. I'm not saying you can't be quiet and be a good time. I my version of a good time, okay? I'm a lot. And I love that I'm a lot. So regulation was never gonna look that way for me. And it might, the truth is it might look that way for you, and that's okay. But what I want to move you away from is a type of regulation that feels really performative, right? You're trying to make it look some certain way. You've got, you know, a million boxes a day that you're checking to be quote unquote regulated. And they are now just boxes that you check, just more that you have to accomplish. The moment that something that I do in my habits, my rituals, my routine, the moment that it becomes, I don't know what better word than performative, even though I feel like AI uses that word so much. So it makes me hate it. But performative meaning that I'm just doing it to check a box now. I'm barely in the moment, right? That's meditation for me. There are times when it is so innate and powerful, and there are times when I'm doing it because I should. Nothing that you do because you should will actually give you results. Period. Facts. Okay. It just won't. It's same with like a workout. You go in and you're just trying to, and I I know I'm gonna have so many people come at me for this one because I'm sure there's health coaches out there that are like, it's better than nothing. It's better than nothing. Is it though? Is it? I really wonder because if you go into a workout and you're doing the workout that you're quote unquote supposed to do, and you were so uninspired and you were so lackluster and you're stopping between every rep and you're just not into it. I don't think that's gonna give you results. I think it'd be better if you went like danced it out for 15 minutes because that's where your energy is right now. I think it'd be better if you tried on a million different exercises until you figured out which one actually does make you excited to do every day. That's me with Fit with Cocoa, right? It took me years. I have always been a very active person. I've always had a workout regimen. Literally, I worked at a fitness club. I think I interned there actually, my freshman year of college. I went to Mesa State in Grand Junction, Colorado. And that was one of the jobs I did. I can't remember, I feel like I don't feel like I got paid for it. But anyway, because I was like one of one of all my friends who like went to the gym every day. That was all it's always been a very strong value of mine. But it took me a really long time to figure out doing it just to get it done actually serves zero purpose. So if it's going for a walk, if it's going for a hike, your system needs what you are feeling alive with. That's the same with regulation. It has to make you feel alive in some way. It has to be something you're inspired to do, which again, this is a sticky situation because I know a lot of women who maybe are dealing with depressive episodes or anxiety or other mental health issues that make not a whole lot feel inspiring. And that's honestly a different conversation. I would support you in a different way. So I want you to take this with a caveat, right? But even as somebody who does identify as neurodivergent, like I can't, I know this about myself now. I'm sort of an all or nothing girl. And that serves me and then it also haunts me. Okay. It serves me in the way that I am wildly consistent and not a whole lot can stop me. Okay. So that's a good thing. The bad of it is I can continue to do things again and again and again, regardless of, for lack of better words, the inspiration that it brings me. And I'm slowly snuffing out my own fire and not even aware of it. So I've had to get really aware of the fact. I mean, why'd it take me so long? Because I feel like anybody could look in and say, honey, you've sold everything you own four times to travel the world full time. You like change. So I can't do the same routine again and again and again and again. Although I will say I've been doing Fit with Cocoa for two years and I'm still not over it. But you know why I think that is? Because every so she does these. I really need to get paid for talking about this. I don't, by the way. But she does programs. So there's like a targeted program for four to six weeks. You do that. She usually does each week is a new workout. So if it's four weeks, weeks one and three are the same, and weeks two and four are the same, but there's a lot of variation there. And then she does a D-load program that's like less. So I'm doing for let's say four weeks, I'm working out for 45 minutes a day. I'm fucking zoned in, I'm in it. And then I get this reward of a D-load program that's two weeks long and it's 20 minutes and it's a little bit less. And it's this beautiful way of holding on to the consistency of doing something every day without expecting from myself the same level because that would get really monotonous. I would get really bored. I don't know how this episode turned into so much about fitness, but I feel like it's a really easy way to tie the kn the knots, the dots, dots, knots, whatever, to regulation. It's the same thing. We are trying to create internal safety. We are trying to create a faster speed with which we recover from life lifing us. Okay. We are trying to develop self-trust and adaptability and the ability to stay with ourselves rather than disassociate or run amok emotionally when life gets hard. That is the real definition of regulation. That is what we're trying to find. That is what we're trying to pursue and reach in our lives. It's nothing that you see on the outside. Nothing. Absolutely nothing that you see on the outside. And I get how attractive some of these, we'll just call them regulation gurus, how attractive they can be. Where you're just like, oh, that looks so nice. That looks so nice. But that's not the point. That's not the point. Maybe it looks nice, but is it realistic? Because at the end of the day, and this is the piece that kind of ties to the last episode, if it just makes you feel like shit, like I'm doing this thing, it doesn't make me feel better, but it's what I'm supposed to be doing, but I don't look like that thing that I was told I would look like, that's all bad news for you. If you do not, again, start to calibrate to this ability to again recover quickly, have great levels of self-trust, be wildly adaptable, emotionally resilient, that internal safety factor, right? And more than anything, the ability to stay with yourself, the ability to feel your emotions. Nothing that I do when it comes to regulation is about avoidance because every emotion that we experience is a message. I am not trying to prevent the emotions. And that's where I think the regulation gurus are getting it wrong. It's like they're trying to prevent the emotions. No, no, no. We need them. They tell us everything we need to know. They draw the fucking path forward to the success that we desire. Every emotion that we experience is a message. And that message could be for our business. It could also be for our relationship, for motherhood, for wife, whatever. And so, yeah, regulation is not the zen bullshit that you've been sold. It does not mean you have to go live with monks or go on a yoga retreat, even though I did that this year, which was really good. It was really good. But I didn't do it because I'm trying to achieve some ridiculous yogi status. I did it because I wanted to go to Costa Rica with one of my best friends and do something that was good for my body. But I didn't actually walk away with any greater skills in that experience that are going to truly, truly feed more of my success. And that's the difference of what I teach. I teach the kind of skills that help to feed your success, not dim it, not quiet it, not slow it down. I also did this other piece of content when I was back on socials that said something along the lines of like, if you've never taken a sales call from the school pickup line, recorded a podcast on your commute, or made a business decision from the bleachers of a Tuesday night softball practice, then you and I, my friend, are not the same. And I'm willing to bet there's a lot of, I don't know what else to call them, but like regulation gurus out there that would see that and go, oof, not very good boundaries. She's living in her hustle culture era, she has no awareness. And I would love for them to say that to my fucking face. I would smash them with my emotional intelligence, to be honest with you. I am actually a therapist. I am actually have a master's degree. I've actually run a private practice. I actually know what the hell I'm talking about. And I would not trade my chaos for a slower pace if you fucking paid me. I'm happy about that. And also, I'm probably one of the most regulated people you'll ever meet. Nothing gets me. Nothing takes me out. I do not make excuses. I do not live in a victim mentality, which that could be a whole other podcast episode, to be honest with you. Man, the ways with which victim mentality just kills women and their capacity for anything that they want in their lives. I don't live in that. So yeah, I just wanted to yell at you for a minute about regulation, apparently, and also send you some love and hopefully a big fat permission slip to feel regulated in a way that actually serves you, to maybe redefine what it looks like for yourself, and also to set you free from doing any of the shit that you're only doing because you think you should, that's actually probably draining you of the greatest assets that you bring to the table, my friend. So yeah. I'm proud of you. I love you. I'm glad you're here. But maybe some changes need to be made.