206. Shamelessly Not Having It Figured Out

I didn't know what I was gonna say when I hit record, truthfully… I'm in a funky season. I'm newly 39, && I'm noticing something I didn't expect: the more I know, the less certain I become. This episode is me processing that out loud.

We're talking about the certainty epidemic, why we buy it, what it's costing us, && what I actually think it means to be a 39-year-old woman who is ambitious as hell && has absolutely no idea what comes next. This one is unpolished, unscripted && exactly what it needs to be.

TOPICS WE EXPLORE

• What the data actually says about stress at 39 && why it felt like a permission slip
• The hidden load epidemic && why millennial women are the most burned out demographic
• Admitting out loud that I sometimes want a life where I don't have to work
• Why certainty is profitable && what that means for who you're buying from
• Homeschooling, travel, business models && the things I've changed my mind on
• All in or all out: my unpopular belief about half-measures in business
• What I actually want back: unbearable belief that success is inevitable

THE POINT

Maybe the wisdom isn't in finally having all the answers. Maybe it's becoming a hell of a lot less threatened by the fact that you don't. && maybe the unbearable belief that success is inevitable is the only thing that ever actually mattered.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

• Wealth Walks (WLTH Walks, Denver)
• MIXTAPE waitlist
• Work with Ash

MORE ABOUT ASH

I'm Ash McDonald — the Entrepreneur's Therapist. Trained therapist, seasoned entrepreneur, mom of 3, && the person you call when your business coach doesn't get your brain && your therapist doesn't get your business.

I built the thing I couldn't find anywhere else: whole-picture support that holds your strategy && your humanity in the same conversation at the same time. 

LINKS:

• Work with me 1:1 → Deep Cuts
• Fast-track your results → The Green Room
• Solve one thing right now → Studio Sessions
• Burnout-proof your life && business → Mixtape
• Get your free podcast playlists → The Soundcheck
• Weekly emails that tell you what your business coach won't && your therapist can't → Subscribe to The Beat
• Website: ashmcdonaldmentoring.com

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

I'm your host, Ash McDonald, the only therapist who speaks fluent entrepreneur. Welcome to Shakelessly Ambition. So I'm in a really funky season. And sometimes I find myself here, and it's not like a lack of creativity, but I don't know what to call it. And I'm not coming to this podcast episode all polished and perfect and ready. I honestly don't know what the fuck is going to come out of my mouth over the next however many minutes that I decide to record. But when I was thinking about what feels really prominent right now, what I'm witnessing, what I'm seeing, what I'm experiencing, yada yada. I the word certainty came to mind. Just are people feeling certain? I don't feel certain. Do my clients feel certain? What's the world got to say on this? And it's kind of funny because sometimes I'll do a little research, you know, and I'm just curious about it. And I pulled out some stats. Now, I probably should know better the stats of all of my amazing listeners and their ages, but I don't. And what I do know is that I am 39, newly 39, and feeling different. I felt different for a couple of years, but it it feels like it's staying. And I was coaching on a guest coaching situation this morning, and I was talking to these incredible people, and I was talking to them about how, you know, as we age, biologically, scientifically, physiologically, things really shift in us. And we continue to operate as though we were the person that we were before. And I'm hoping you can relate to this, and I don't just sound like a real fool, but I had a moment of like, gosh, are you listening? Like to yourself, do you hear what you're saying? Because I think there's a few things in my life that I'm still doing as though they are an earlier version of me. What I mean by this is like, you know, the way that I operate in my life, the way that I approach fitness, the way that I approach my business, the way that I, you know, market or come up with ideas or whatever, you know, they do need to shift as I shift. And sometimes we get caught up in this idea of, well, it used to work this way or this is what I used to do. And there are a lot of really cool codes to be found in our previous successes. So I'm not dismantling that per se, but I feel so extraordinarily different than who I was years before. And so, anyways, I was just Googling for fun. Give me the stats and the information around 39-year-old women. And I just want to read this to you. And I just want to, let's just have a chat, shall we? Shall we pretend that we're sitting over coffee? I have my little iced coffee. Can you hear it? I just made it. It's got raw milk and maple syrup and decaf coffee because I am a little bitch. I can't handle real caffeine. But it said this at age 39 and in late 30s, early 40s, okay. Women sit at a major demographic crossroads, experiencing some of the highest baseline stress levels of any age group. I read that and I felt just a gigantic fucking permission slip of like, yeah, yeah, I do. Rather than experiencing the emotional decline in stress that can come after age 50. So as we get older and older and older, we do have this emotional decline, this emotional inability, if you will, to deal with stress the way that we once did. Okay. But what's different for my age category and in yours, if you can relate, is that we're in this like sandwich generation. We know this. It's career peaks, it's childcare demands, it's aging parents. And then we're living in this fucking economy. Then there's just the gender gap. I'm very lucky. I'm married to an extraordinary man, but my stress will always, always significantly be higher than his stress. Part of that is because I bring it on myself. I think we all do to some extent. But there's actually data to show that men have, you know, X, Y, and Z, like a four, what is it, like a 4.8, 4.9 out of 10 stress rate. Where their counterpart, their, the female at the same age or same area, whatever, is more like eight or nine or even a 10. Again, I can totally relate to this. And then there's that concept of the hidden load epidemic. So millennial women, again, these millennial women are somewhere in between the ages 27 and 42-ish. So just the active burnout right now, as I was just reading through this research, was like, fuck. And it's just from managing a super, super heavy load of both invisible domestic labor and career responsibilities and having to do both. And for the first time in my life, I've always been, you know, I still identify obviously as a high achiever and all these things. But I was always just like, I could never not work. I could never, even when I had young kids. And that was what I was telling my husband recently, which is so crazy to me, is like once upon a time with young children, which felt so crazy. Like I look back on how I existed and I'm like, you are a baddie bitch. Like, that's crazy. I think of that in comparison to this, not that, you know, I'm shaming myself or whatever, but it feels like it was more excessive before. And yet I never uttered the words in which I have recently uttered out loud, which is I could really go for a life where I didn't have to work. I honestly feel a little shame saying that out loud. I feel like a burning in the back of my throat. Like I kind of want to cry about that a little bit. The shame I think I feel. Where is the shame coming from? Where is it coming from? I think it makes me feel embarrassed. Cause like I'm here coaching women and supporting women who are entrepreneurs, who are go-getters, and like, am I fit to support them if I don't really want to do this? And I think I feel fear that like a client will listen to this and be like, oh, she doesn't want to support me. And that's really not the case. In fact, on that same note, like if I could just show up to coach these, the clients that I have, the ones that I just, oh my God, I just live for these calls. They're so good. It's the other parts of it. It's the marketing and the selling of myself. It's the having things on my list constantly to do. I've had a job since I was 15, 14 years old, multiple jobs. And I think a lot of people can relate to that, if not just having gone and gone and gone and gone and gone for a while. And it's just an interesting space to be, to be honest with you. Yeah. And I think my my little brother recently has been like, oh, I want to chat with you. And I just felt so flustered with the fact that I could not find time to talk to him. And not because my priorities are wrong, not because I've taken on too much or I'm a people please, nothing that I can really do much about. Because part of it is honestly my boundaries, being like, yeah, I mean, technically I could chat then, but I know I need to rest at that point, or I know I need that to be my alone time, or I know what I need of myself. So we ended up having a call this morning. I said, I was like, shamelessly, the only time I will have that I can be like fully present and not feel like it's actually taking from my life and fucking shoot me in the head if that sounds so awful. But that's my truth. If I have to do it in between picking up the kids and making dinner, it's gonna make me not be happy. I will be frustrated and overwhelmed because that's the time when I'm getting chores done. If I do it after everything is all said and done at night, I'm probably not gonna be great for him because I'm exhausted and I'm not a night person, you know? So I said, Do you want to talk at 5 45 in the morning when I'm on my morning walk? And luckily he is at least an hour ahead time zone because he was like, sure. I mean, he doesn't have kids or anything. So and it was great. It was great, but I felt like uh frustrated by the fact that I just have a lot to do. And I don't have a full-time job. So I don't know how some people do it, to be honest with you. So, anyways, as I continue to read this, the primary stressors that came up, which is really interesting, is social disconnection. So, roughly 70% of adults aged 35 to 44 report that finding time to maintain meaningful social connections has become drastically harder due to the compounding demands of daily life. And I really felt that to my core. I'm so freaking so grateful. I have really great friends, and my very best friend took me on a full spa day for my birthday, and it was amazing and everything that I could have dreamed of and wanted. And I had to like plan to have that mean I'm not getting some of the things done that I need to get done, both personal and business. And then the other one it says is primary stress is financial and domestic overlap. So women at this age are statistically the most likely to report money, money, housing stability, and family caregiving duties as simultaneous, significant stressors. Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah. And so I think there's other things, obviously, that play into this. It was interesting to see like what sort of health components play into this, how our sleep at night kind of differs. We have to work a little bit harder to get better sleep. We have to work a little bit harder to make sure we're consuming what we need. I know I'm sure for those of you who are on social media and stuff, it is just nonstop with protein and fibers and all the things that you can do. And those are good reminders and stuff, but it does often feel like so much. And so this idea of certainty really sit with me. And I think that I think that certainty is an incredibly marketable thing. And I think there's some dangers in that. People are promising, right? If you do this morning routine, you're gonna get this. If you eat this way, you're gonna get this. If you parent this way, it's gonna feel like this. If you build your business like this, it's gonna do this, whatever the case may be, right? And I think we chase that. And I think that's the part of uncertainty that can be so dangerous is that we're chasing this idea that if we do this one thing, then things will finally feel easy. And I'm sure I've talked about this a hundred thousand times, and I'm sure I'll talk about it a hundred thousand times more if I continue to utilize this platform the way that I do. But as I get older, I think I'm getting better and understanding that things are fucking complicated. Moreover, I think that I look at others and have this sort of distrust sounds unkind, but I guess I just I'm really suspicious of anyone who has quote unquote their life figured out. I'm very suspicious of that because I just don't think it's true. And I think that's why I'm so vocal about my hardships, because I think it's the most valuable thing that we can have. And I think that I become less impressed by someone who seems to have the answer for everything. I'm more impressed by people who are saying, you know, I don't know, or it kind of depends, or I used to believe and I don't anymore, or, you know, I've massively pivoted my life, or this is my 17th iteration of X, Y, and Z, or it used to work for me and it doesn't work for me anymore. And it's kind of funny and hilarious, and also there's a lot of shame in it. Okay, I'm gonna interrupt myself for like 20 seconds because very, very excitedly, I have to tell you that next week officially opens on September 21st. This is my signature audio program, and it's gonna help you stop getting in your own damn way so you can build a business with more confidence, more clarity, more freedom, and a whole lot less self-sabotage. It's where we finally remove the invisible ceiling, keeping so many high-acuned women stuck. This helps those strategies that you already know work, actually work. But the only way to join is through the wait list. So if you're ready to stop fighting your own brain and experience a completely different way of approaching entrepreneurship, hit pause, jump in on the show notes, and get your name on the list, and then come right back because we've got a whole lot more to cover. You know, I was on a client call this morning and my client just started crying as we uncovered something, and instantly I knew that the tears were shame because shame really flourishes in secret. And so when we recognize something that we've maybe never said out loud or never really noticed about ourselves, it can feel very like, you know, like you can't breathe a little bit. And the truth is, I think a lot of that is being able to recognize, admit, and really hold true to your differing opinions, I guess. Like homeschooling, for instance, was one of the best things I ever did for my kids, and yet I'm not homeschooling now. Now, public school feels like the right choice. And I am definitely, maybe it's the Virgo in me. I don't know. But when I decide something in that moment, when it's the decision I've made, I'm so sure of it. But I'm equally as sure of it when I change. I think I'm pretty good at that. I think I really commend my ability to change my mind and hold true to it. But I I get curious sometimes as to how other people perceive that for sure. Travel used to be this like, this is what kids need, this is what our family needs, this is what's going to make us into really good people, a good family. And now I would say stability and roots and relationships is more important for them. And that's a really differing thing. I think my business has obviously had a million different iterations, and I think that's okay too. But there can be shame with that, you know? I think it's I think that certainty in a way feels really safe. And I think that's why we buy it. There's a I think there's these like therapist-y and business-y and healthy rabbit holes we can all go down thinking that we're gonna find the thing that will make make us feel better because uncertainty is ultimately really uncomfortable. And I think that it's an interesting space right now for me and my business because I'm really determining like what comes next. There's part of me that does miss marketing on social media. I think some of my energy has soaked out of me because I'm a little bit more behind the screen. I mean, granted, I'm doing more in-person connecting, but there's this difference where when you're doing visibility in person, I'm traditionally doing it around new people every single time. And it's kind of exhausting, if I'm really honest with you, because it's always the same conversation. You're just getting to know people. There's not depth in it. And there was something about being on social media and having an audience of people who I felt I like kind of knew me and I could take it a little bit deeper and they'd followed me for a while. And, but there's still, like I said, the decision making, the changing of minds, there's still a really strong part of me that's like, gosh, but I see such personal benefits of not being on socials. And then I see professional detriments. And so I'm in this era of really deciding, what do I do? Do I change my mind? Do I come back for a while? Do I find a different path? Are there other visibility things that I can do? Of course, the do I do ads? Do I, what do I do? And ultimately, I'm trying to really just protect myself from outsourcing that decision to anyone or anything, i.e., robots, you know, of like what's the next best decision? But it's for sure heavy. And I think like anything, you often wonder: am I parenting right? Am I doing nutrition and health right? Am I making money the best way? Is there a better way out there? Am I being the best wife that I can be? Can I do it differently? And yeah, I think sometimes it can feel really comforting, this idea that you can look outside yourself and find somebody who can give you all the answers, but I don't think anyone can. And I think that we have to be willing to A, adapt and adjust based on how we have adapted and adjusted, which takes inherently a lot of inner wisdom. It takes a lot of inner looking, if you will, at how we've changed and what we value differently. And I think that's the key too, is like, what do we value? I guess I could spend some time just, I guess you're just here to have me coach myself. But I could I could spend some time really looking at my values within my business and my values within my life and juxtapose them through the lens of do I get back on social media? Or how do I get back on social media if that is the choice? Nobody can really know but me. Just like nobody can really know but you. And isn't it interesting? At least I find it kind of interesting, that the more you know, the less certain you become. Or is that just me? Because I feel like, and I've talked about this before, like in business, it was so much easier when I was just a newbie, when I was a noob and I was a beginner. And I feel that to be true of so many things. It feels like the more I understand in any category of my life, the less certain that I become. And that's, I think that's what I feel right now. I think I had this idea that the older I got, the more I would know about things. And I know a lot more, but I I guess I feel less certain. And that's confusing. Cause I have days where I'm just like, yeah, I want to open a coffee shop, or I just want to be cozy at home and I want to spend time decorating my house and connecting with my kids and reading good books. And then the next very next day, it's like, no, I'm gonna go all in and fuck shit up and make a million dollars. And it is just all over the place. It is all over the place. And one thing that I'm really addressing in myself is that our behaviors have to match what we want. And I feel like I've had a lot of thoughts and ideas and not a lot of action, and that's on me. And that's something I'm trying to work on right now, asking myself better questions and really deciding within myself what action is required to unlock these ideas. You know, action breeds confidence, period. And nothing will be successful if you simply just dip your toe in it. Nothing. You know, I was saying that to somebody recently. I again networking, I was there's this thing here, and I think they're in multiple places, but it's called wealth walks, W-L-T-H walks. And somehow I got connected with it and I decided to test the waters a little bit, and they have it in Denver. And it's essentially just like entrepreneurial women get together for a walk and you connect with women. And I went on my first wealth walk recently, and I'm connecting with these women, and it's really funny, you know, you never know who you're going to connect with. And one of them was like an energy healer, and the other one has basically like self-taught herself how to build apps, essentially, like through AI and all these amazing things for companies, which, you know, is like kind of a not against what I believe, but differing. And that's always interesting. It's always intriguing to have those conversations. So, of course, we're conversing about all this. And the energy healer was clearly kind of mentioning this idea of, you know, needing to be more consistent on social media. And then the other gal also, same thing. She's like builds these systems and stuff. And she's like, but I know I could be so much more if I'm on social media. And I kind of shared, like, that's the truth of it, you know, like anything, social media is not something I kind of got to the point where if I'm not willing to go all in, I might as well just take myself all out. And maybe some people have differing beliefs. I think there's things or areas in our life, like maybe health. Obviously, it's better to have one healthy media meal a day than to have no healthy meals a day, right? Of course. It's better to go for a walk than it is to do nothing if you don't have time for like a massive workout. Sure. But I think in business it's a little bit different because I think it is like there's a requirement of an all-in mentality. And often that means that you have to pick and choose. It can't do everything. And I see a lot of clients, my clients and other colleagues and stuff, kind of putting a toe in a million different places. And not only is it incredibly exhausting, but it doesn't work. And then it's really frustrating. And I think I was feeling that with social media too, along with all my other values. I was feeling like, ugh, I just don't want to be all in. And that's okay. Like permission granted, if you don't want to be all in, what do you want to be all in on? That's why I went all in on more like in-person networking over the past year. But now I don't really want to be all in on that. And so I'm deciding what I want to be all in on. And so we're having this conversation, and I just put it out there. I was like, maybe you'll disagree, but I just fundamentally believe like either do it all the way, fuck off all those disbeliefs and fears and and all that shit, and just go all in. Or don't go all in and something that you can. And yeah, I'd be curious if you're listening and you have a differing belief, please send it to me. I'd be so curious to hear what your thoughts are. Yeah. And I wrote this question down. I don't know where it'll go and if it even makes sense in context to this. But the one question I wrote down, because I don't do scripted podcasts, I'm sure you can tell. But I wrote down who benefits from me believing there is one right answer. That's interesting in context to everything else I just shared. But I think that certainty isn't just psychologically comforting. I think it's profitable. I mean, by way of what I just said too, like what I think you heard is that I have this fundamental belief that if I go all in, success is inevitable. And I think that's what really got me the most of my success over the years was that one belief that success is inevitable if I go all in. Interesting. Yeah, because if I convince you or me or anyone that there's one correct way to do it. One, it's easy for me to sell, of course. But two, if you really believe that, there's probably a good chance you'll be successful too. But we're getting it from so many different angles. That's a confusion. It's kind of like if if yeah. Interesting. I'm having a I'm having a moment. We're like processing all this. And it's not to say we can't trust experts or obviously that we have to just trust ourselves because we know everything, but I think it's like learn from everything, but give nobody the authority to make choices for you. Yeah. Because we ultimately remain the only person responsible for all of it. What we trust, what we use, what's right. This is very existential. But I told you I didn't know what I was gonna talk about. You know what I think it comes down to is I think at 25 you think you'll figure it out one day. One day I'll figure it out. That's like the goal. But at 25, you feel comfortable in knowing that eventually you'll figure it out. And I think at 30, you feel like maybe you're getting there a little bit. At least for me, my experience is I think the discomfort in all of it is getting to a point of realizing, like, oh, I fucking know nothing. I didn't graduate. There's no fucking graduation ceremony. It's not coming, and I'm not getting an invite. And so here we are. Maybe the wisdom isn't in having all of those answers or finally getting those answers, but becoming a hell of a lot less threatened by the fact that you don't. I think that's where I am. Accepting uncertainty. Changing the idea from I have to know everything by a certain age to maybe I never will. And maybe day by day is okay. But also just that fucking unbearable belief makes success inevitable. And I just don't think I've had that in a little while, and I think that's what I want back. So I'm gonna sit with that. I'm really gonna process where can I find that inevitable that inevitable style belief again that feels exciting. And also, sometimes I feel like an old lady that's just a little tired as I drink my ice latte that will do nothing for me because it's decaf. Well, my friend, I'll wrap it up there. I'm sending you love. And if you're feeling as uncertain or confused or all over the place as me, maybe send me a little love note so we can convene on the truth that we're not alone and be together in it. But maybe if you're so certain and so clear, you have some tips and tricks for me, and I accept those too. But either way, I'm cheering you on, and I'll see you on the next episode.