Enneagram Type One: The Reformer

In this episode of At the Table, we’re diving into Enneagram Type 1, often known as The Reformer. This is the type driven by a deep desire to do what’s right, live with integrity, and improve the world around them.

But with that comes pressure. High standards. An inner critic that rarely turns off.

We break down what it actually looks like to be a One, not just the strengths everyone talks about, but the internal tension they carry. The constant pull between doing more, being better, and never quite feeling like it’s enough.

We talk through:

• What motivates a Type 1 at their core
• How perfectionism shows up in leadership, relationships, and daily life
• The difference between a healthy, average, and struggling One
• How Ones can move from rigid and critical to grounded, impactful, and free

This episode is not about labeling yourself. It’s about understanding your patterns so you can lead better, live better, and stop carrying pressure that was never meant to define you.

If you’ve ever felt like you should be doing more, fixing more, or holding everything together, this one will hit.

Listen in, reflect honestly, and start using your awareness as a tool for growth, not judgment. To learn your type, visit innatewomen.com

Welcome to the table

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Uh yes. Well, welcome to At the Table. We are going to be reviewing Enneagram One today. And I like Enneagram ones. I actually feel like I've never met a one I have very lovely people.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

They're like the lovely ones. I think when they're healthy, they are also very fun people.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

Yes, I think that is their health. But we'll get into that. So I'm really excited to go over ones because, like I said, I like ones a lot. Um, and so we are going to dive deep with them.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

This is this is gonna do it. So ones are often the typecast or the title that they're given is the perfectionist, um, the uh reformer. There's a couple other names they use for it. The crusader, moralist, perfectionist is one that's used a lot. I feel like that's a really easy to identify title for for this one. Oh, perfectionist.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

And I think it's definitely perfectionist, not in the sense where um I think the way people use perfectionism, like people like, oh, I'm just a perfectionist. So, and then they follow it by like excuses. This is somebody who really does see the world more black and white and and really has a clear moral and ethical standard of what is right and wrong. And sometimes I think when we think of morals, it's from a standpoint of like, I think, especially in America, like a religious point of view, but it's actually like the way they view the entire world. Like how you show up on time is a moral obligation to be on time. It's a moral obligation to help people, it's a moral obligation to chase after this cause that's pulling you. It's like the the draw for more in this world is is quite a bigger calling, but also very black and white because there's very much a right and Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

So it's not gonna be like they just were handed uh a set of like rules and they're like, okay, I follow these rules. It's kind of things that they've set out for themselves, like a personal. So it might be like a moral they have that's not um a universal moral, but to them it is this is right and this is wrong.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

I like think of it as their standards. Yeah. So in life, they've developed these standards of what is in this world. And then if you reach those standards, it's right. And if not, then it's wrong. Or we could say it's good or it's bad. I also think they're some of the most disciplined people, yes, and very routine people I've ever met. Um, when I think of the ones I know in my life, they have like this is this is what we have for lunch every day. This is what time we show up for things every day, this is this is how we do this task, this is how we clean our kitchen. You know, there's like a very strict way of doing everything and very high standards. And those standards can be put on other people too. So they can have a lot of resentment towards other people who don't reach the standards that they've set.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

Yes. So that description, I think, can sound like, oh, these people are really rigid and judgmental and mean. But actually, I think they're some of the loveliest people because they're also moving from a place of I think compassion. So, like if you were out and it was cold and you didn't have a coat, they're like, I'll give you my coat because it's the right thing to do. You're cold. Here's my coat.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

Yeah. Yeah. I think I do think they're very helpful people and kind people in this world. Um, and I think they're the people who show up and volunteer a lot because it's like the right thing to do. But I think they actually like helping out. I think a lot of ones have a bigger mission and purpose in this world that they feel called. Uh, one of the things when when going over ones is they feel called to do something um in a way to leave the world better than they found it. So that calling can show up in giving back to your community, being people who go and like, you know, pick up the trails and the sticks and make them good for the rest of the world, or even a bigger calling. Um, like one of the people that was listed as most likely a one, you know, in the Enneagram universe is like Joan of Arc, because she had this big purpose of he's your favorite saint. And she leaves the world a better place because she went out on a mission, um, which obviously not going to in her story, but it's this calling to say, Hey, I see something that can be done better. So it's now my calling and purpose better.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

And ones are the people that will that see the big picture, right? So they see um it's going to be a long road, but we're going to do this now, even though there might be some short-term discomfort or loss or or sacrifice for the better good. So these are the type of people who would say, you know, I'll pay a little more in my local taxes here to go towards education and bettering the education, even if they didn't have any kids in the school system.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

And they also, like we talked about, they might be a little rich, like, we're like, oh, they sound like rigid a little bit when we talk about them, which that is part of their personality. When they're a little stressed, they go to more of a rigid uh state and a little bit more judgmental. Um, but they really have great integrity. And I think that's something I love about ones as well, is they are people who that standard, but also like behind closed doors, they're like that too. They're not just people who are out there helping the world for show. They are genuinely people, like even privately, where they hold themselves to those same standards that they're expecting of the world. And I think that's something really wonderful about them. And they have really high values too.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

I think ones might also be more rigid with themselves sometimes than they are even with other people.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

Yeah. Yeah. So things we might see with, I do agree with you with that. Um, but things we might see, like patterns we might see with them, will be um, will be like having they're having to have everything in a really specific order. So they are prone to more like OCD type tendencies if they go really unhealthy. So they have to have like, like they they are systems and procedure people. So that means that there's a system procedure for everything in their life. I would even say getting ready in the morning. They probably are the people with the perfect morning routine, the perfect um ending of the day routine, um, how they show up at work when they start their day at work, they probably have really specific ways of doing things as well that they have to work through because it's the right way of doing it.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

Which can be, I think so. I think that tendency can be really great and really beneficial for people because with routine, obviously you'll have a flow. I think you can get more done with a routine, but then when you go into the realm of where maybe you feel that you're going into the territory of you're a little more unhealthy, these people, like you said, have a tendency to lean towards OCD. These people also um a lot of times are very strict with diets, can tend to like have eating disorders, or like for whatever reason, they might be pescatarian. They've they in their minds are like, this is the healthiest diet. I must abide by this diet. And they only for forever will be like, This is what I do.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

Yeah. Like they might be consciences, conscientious deciders for veganism because it's the right way of doing things.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

So you get into that territory where, yeah, systems and procedures, routine, all of those things really great, but then it can lean into or bleed into a uh a not so healthy version of that as well, which is true for any of the types. We all have those tendencies to go on the good end or swing to the bad end or healthy, unhealthy.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Well, like we talk exactly, like we talked about, there's gonna be what we say is like a healthier version and then what we look like when we're not really healthy. So it's like disintegrated versus integrated. And they also everybody's gonna have like basic fears too. And so when it comes to um when it comes to these guys, these ones, their biggest fear is actually being perceived as evil or actually being corrupt.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

You know what's so funny that I find this? Okay, so ones, they have a high moral standard, they have a compass, they have a certain way of doing things, and they can also be typed as like the advocate, right? So a lot of these people, especially a certain one with a with a certain wing, um a one with a two-wing, right, Megan? Or well, let me say what what I think, and then you'll you can confirm, have the tendency of going into politics to push for a greater good, um, advocate for a certain cause, certain group, or whatever. And I always think that's funny because I feel like some of the ones that are listed, the ones that are listed that are in politics, I'm like, oh gosh. Is their moral compass really great?

SPEAKER_00 8:58

One you're probably talking about is like 100%. Well, not to get into politics, but it is interesting because there's like that reputation. So, like that if she is a true one, that probably is upsetting for her if she's not the healthy self of being accused of being corrupt. But we also have to look at ones just because you're have a high moral standard does not mean you're not actually on what the world perceives as correct. So there are plenty of times that a one could I we look at them as good, right? Moral, righteous, like when you look at them from the outside, but we also have to look at it from a deeper level. Ones might find something and set a standard that doesn't fit in with the world. That is, I mean, that's gonna be more of an outlier, but it could exist where you might justify the moral thing. So, for example, Hillary, however you feel about her, if you know the world perceives her as corrupt, she might say, Well, I'm just playing this game to make a difference. To help people, so I might have to do this behavior, but in the end, I'm going to reach the standard and help all the people. Um, you know, we don't know her personally, so who knows? But, you know, I like to think like if she is a one, that might be a justification for it, where it's like, I see all the things wrong with politics. So I'll enter and play the political games, which might not be right, but I'm gonna then fix it once I'm in there.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

The rationale that kind of And so that's where a one might come from. The ends justify the means scenario.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

And I think an unhealthy, an unhealthy one can get there where you might be like, well, maybe my purpose is to like fix this thing, but the means to get there might not be as moral, but sometimes we might not look at that um as closely as we should, because then the end result is going to be like, well, look, now look how righteous I am because we did reach this. And sometimes if it's a big enough thing, um, it's like the crusades, for example. You know, they're very much, I don't know why we're having so many religious uh references in this podcast, but it is Easter weekend. It is Easter weekend. We're recording this. So, like the crusades, for example, it's like, well, or even every war in history, it's like we have to have this, these deaths and killings and these casualties to justify the end result, which would be, you know, when we when we look back on history, it's well, we overcame Hitler, you know, but like how many horrible things were done, even on the good people in his like the right side of history still did atrocious things because a war cannot be a completed task without horrible things happening. There is no like beauty and righteousness in it. But when the end result might be, well, we defeated Hitler, and that's how we're gonna look back on history. So then this pathway is gonna be a well, we'll rewrite it because the end result is the greater purpose. And it's very easy to justify that against people like Hitler. Um, but I think war, all wars, including World War II, is a lot more nuanced. Um, and there's a lot more moving pieces than history teaches us.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

100%. You know who is allegedly, because you we never know if someone is a hundred percent a type or not. Um, allegedly a one who I think did it in a very altruistic right way and was probably very healthy, was um Gandhi.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

He was peaceful. So there's parts of Gandhi that were actually he would be a good example of a one, actually, because he had this higher moral calling. He was willing to sacrifice himself. Left his family. Um yes, but then I look at it from the other side of it, where I don't like to idolize these people, um, is that how do you think his family feels abandoned being left? Yeah. Exactly. Because I think it was like with um some a lot of these historical figures that did have families and they left off to go find themselves. And I just think, um, okay, I'm sure his wife wasn't like that. Sounds great. Thank you for abandoning me and leaving me in poverty. I appreciate that. Um, you know, and that just isn't a this gets into my black and white thinking. I'm just I just can't justify those people as being moral. Um, if you abandon your family to do a higher calling. Now, would a one do that? Absolutely, because there's a higher calling. Um, and it's the right thing to do is to say, I'm gonna go and uh serve these people. And at the time, India, like that's who I have to go save India. So that's my pathway. Um, so yeah, I would say it's definitely a one. Yeah. It's just interesting.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

Yeah. Because so I think the most fascinating thing is that right, there is this type, there is a blueprint for the personality, the tendencies, the actions, and all of that. But we also have so many different people that fit within the type and they look completely different.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

I think that's an important thing to note is the things that can influence it, like we talked about the first podcast, are gonna be multiple things. Like one, what level of health are you? So let's say there's nine levels of health, the nine levels of health. So you where are you at on that? And we'll get into that's what we're gonna go into next is those levels of health for a one. But let's say you start with these, you know, you're an average one versus like an enlightened one versus a very unhealthy one, they're gonna look so different because an unhealthy one is gonna look like a seven. They're actually gonna be really scattered, judgmental, and critical. And then an average one is the stuff we described, but then these enlightened ones are just like fully fulfilling their purpose and our understanding and kind, and they just inspire all of us, right? So we each have these different levels and just meeting them there, and then you add in the wings. So, like, is this a one with a nine wing, which looks very different than a one with a two-wing? And then you also have to add in all the variants. Is it a sexual one, a social one, a self-preserving one? And so, of course, you can have a lot of diversity in each of these numbers.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

So, right there, there's like six, seven different variations of a one. Well, no, if you include all the healthy and unhealthy types, we're at like a dozen at least.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

There's so many. So what let's get back to it. Let's get ones. One of the things that's very interesting about a one is that they have they're in the anger triad.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

Yes, and I think most people wouldn't inherently be like, oh yeah, one's angry.

SPEAKER_00 15:25

Yeah, so there are in the anger triad, there is the nine to one in the eighth. Eights are outward. I feel like eights accept their anger. They're like it's part of who I am. Um, nines pretend they don't have anger. And ones I think hide their anger, but are aware of it. And I think when they don't process it, they become resentful. So their anger looks like resent. Like, look at me carrying the world and these people, or these people are doing this thing, but I'm doing this and it's not fair, or they can never show up on time. I cannot believe it. I'm always on time. Why are these people not on time? And you start to resent the people that don't reach their standards. And that's really how their anger shows up. And they also, I think this is one of those interesting things with studying a one is that a lot of their anger is actually towards themselves.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

So, yeah, there is like this diagram. There's so many diagrams in the Enneagram. So think of each of the anger triads. So we have the nine, the eight, and the one, and the each number. So let's start with the eight. There's a circle around the eight. Their arrows go out. So all of their control is like towards outward, their anger is outward. Once it's all arrows inward. So there's angers with themselves, there's control with themselves, they're trying to control themselves in order to fit to be the not the bad, the good, non-evil.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

They set an impossible standard for themselves. And because they don't want to be on the wrong side of those standards, they end up resenting themselves because no human's perfect. And these are self-imposed standards, right? It doesn't mean it's actually a real correct right or wrong, but they're imposing it. Like you might, when you talked about like being thin or something, that could be one um that they hold on to, or like your house has to look a really specific way, or even their their own clothing has to dress a certain way. And then let's say they have a day that they don't match these expectations that they've set, they are gonna be more angry at themselves than they would ever be at someone else. And they start to judge themselves and be more unkind and critical. And then it becomes this like unhealthy cycle of, oh, I gotta do better now, and I can't let the world see that I have this side of me. So they keep pushing it down and it just really gets stored in the body. So it's a lot of internal. And that goes into so every um when we look at this, so every integram number will have what we call a disintegration and integration. So, what does it look like when you're your healthiest, and what does it look like when you're not? And this is where we start to apply what it's like to be to use as um for personal growth. So an example would be um, you're gonna read over these. If you were like, oh, I might be a one, or if you've taken the test at innatewomen.com, you'll say, hey, I'm a one. And then you'll want to look over this and be like, where am I? And this is like an honest conversation. And as a one, you might have a tendency to put yourself maybe be overly critical or ignore that side of you and want to put yourself like, see yourself as a little bit better. Um, we're gonna try and be honest with ourselves and see where we're at. And then the goal is to move into the higher level, but also be aware of situations that might make you um go into that more negative side. Do you want to? Should we start with like the disintegration, what they look like when they're really sharp?

SPEAKER_01 18:47

So if we were to look at actually, I drew it out because I thought it'd be fun. I don't know if you can see this. The one, you see the arrow going towards the four, how it's red at the four, that is the the way of disintegration. So the tendencies of a one, you're always going to be a one at your core. That is your your personality type. But when in an unhealthy state, you're gonna take on the qualities and traits that a four would look like. So if you're having a hard time and you're not your best self, you might be moody, detached, you might struggle with depression. Uh, like we said, the OCD tendencies, the the wallowing, everyone is bad, um, kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

Yeah. And I think also it can, it like shows up in your life where you start to feel less secure and have a lot more doubt in the world. And that leads to that moodiness because like part of your security is knowing you're you're doing the right things. And when you start to become a lesser version, you get this uncertainty. So as a result, though, I think you try and hold even tighter to things. And then as that's really hard to do. So as a result, I think we see these people being just like really not that much fun to be around. The other thing that comes with that is also the use of the inner critic. So they have a lot of internal dialogue of it's not good enough, you could do better, you're slipping. And so they start to see the world, and I think that really is what affects them, why they look like a moody four, um, is because they're just feeling like they're not enough at this point, and they're not able to reach the standards that they've set. And they also might have taken on another thing that happens with a lot of lower average or lower um functioning ones is they take on a lot over and they have like an over-responsibility. So they have like so much on their plate and then they start to uh become resentful to those around them and themselves for having all this extra work, even though they took it all on themselves. And so it makes life just really hard at this time. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

It I I feel for the ones because while I do love ones, I do think they have a hard time maneuvering through life because of the restrictions they put on themselves. Even in a very healthy state, I feel like ones have a lot of standards. So it's not even like they have the well, when they're very healthy, they are more jovial, relaxed, spontaneous, spontaneous, and all of that. But it is hard to be a very healthy version of yourself all the time.

SPEAKER_00 21:25

It's just not the way to use the enagrams, if you start to like acknowledge, like this is this is where when you're starting to feel like um, okay, an unhealthy one in a situation might start to have bad behavior, but justify it as right and wrong because of the resentment. Well, I already do all the work in here, so I'm gonna take a little bit of liberties here. So because they enter into that gray area when they're uncomfortable, I think that's leads to this. Um you could start to be aware of that if you're one, right? So if you're like, oh, I am justifying bad behavior because I'm feeling resentment. Then it's like the one of the biggest things is that awareness. Like I'm aware of this bad behavior. And instead of like being self-critical, I say, I'm gonna hold myself accountable for this. Okay, that wasn't the best behavior. And then looking deeper on what might be causing that. Do I have too much on my plate? Am I not? Am I just dealing with a lot of uncertainty right now that I don't know how to handle as a one because I'm so used to this like clear answers? Um, am I holding myself too too high of standards? And then you can look at what does it mean to be a little healthier version and start to work towards that. So I think asking yourself those questions, is this actually wrong? Is this actually how I care if it's done? Is this really the right way? That's gonna help you grow and become more aware of these blind spots in life. And the other thing is ones need to be okay with imperfection. And I think that acceptance that it is impossible to be fully perfect and just accept that we're gonna have some of that is gonna help move you a little bit closer to what the integration or the healthy version of you looks like, which is a wonderful, is like the best version of a seven. And sevens are always fun because they I also love sevens. Yes, you do love sevens. Actually, you know, me, you, Frank, a lot of people in our lives has highest sevens because I think we all like adventure. It's like a high piece of our like anagram. Ones turn into more like sevens love joy and they like to have fun and they don't like look at like necessarily the hard stuff. And so, like when you're a healthy one, you go into this point of being like, oh, life is there's there's room to breathe, and I'm gonna enjoy the process of working towards my bigger purpose. And I think that's then this is where you see those ones that you love being around because they have this like really good structure in their lives, but they're also just feeling the joy in their life as they go through it, and they're also up for like being spontaneous occasionally.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

Because I think it's helpful for people to have um like a reference person or an image in their head when we're talking about these types because there's so many moving parts. Mary Poppins, they say, like, even though she's a fictional character, would technically be a one. And I was like, I could totally see Mary Poppins being a one because she has a standard, but also so fun jumping into chalk drawings, going on carnival carousel rides and stuff.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

Yeah, no, she's a great example of a healthy one. Um, I did not, I have that before, but I love it. I think that's like a perfect like image for a one. It is because she had a very clear these are the standards for the children, and yet we can still have fun within those standards. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like that's great. That's like so much fun. I never thought about that. I really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

She's practically perfect, she's not all the way perfect. So she was realistic. She realized she couldn't be perfect.

SPEAKER_00 24:49

She's allowed to have some. Let's talk about the different wings and the influence that can have. Okay. So you can have a one with a nine-wing, which they're called the idealist, or you can have a one with a two-wing, which is the advocate, which you talked about more likely to go to um politics. Yeah. The one that more idealistic person, I feel like they are, I think those are the people that are more like professor-based ones. Like they love information and not in the way of fives do, but like studying, because I feel like there's like a moral goodness to being well educated and understanding the philosophies of life. Cause then you can like have those standards set. And I think that they're a little bit quieter too. I feel like anyone with a nine wing tends to have a little bit more calmness brought to them.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Yeah, that type is a little more um like when you think about energies of the Enneagram. Like I would say, seven has a high, high energy, eights have intense energy, nines have a calming, soothing, grounded energy. And I would say ones are kind of on that level too, uh, less than nines, but a one with a nine-wing definitely has that calmer, quieter energy to them.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

And the one with a nine-wing are they gonna be more of those people who are like quieter how they show up, where they're gonna show up and be like, okay, this is the hard work nobody wants to do. But like, I'm just gonna like do this work because I know it's for the better of my community. Or um, when you talk about like politics, these people might get into politics, but they're more likely to do not say be like the main person, but they're like, let's do this hard work of getting our feet on the ground, getting out there, talking with the people, um, and making that like grassroots movement happen. And those are gonna be a lot of those ones that have a higher calling, but they're more likely to be introverted with that nine-wing, um, and also a little more gentler.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Yeah. Did you say that they're kind of the uh one with the nine-wing is called the idealist? You did say that. So I think a good representation of this is uh Martha Stewart, which I know we both love her. Yes, love Martha. So if you think about Martha Stewart, she has a very I and I think it's pretty obvious how it comes across if you even like read any of her stuff or watch her shows, a very specific way of this is how you do it, this is what it should look like, this is the way you go through the process. Um and how she keeps herself and the house and all that. There's like there's very clear standards. There's high standards, there's order. And I remember her talking in this interview where, you know, after she got in trouble with the law and stuff happened where she wasn't in control of her um brand anymore, and there were people making other decisions. There was this guy who picked teacups for the Martha Stewart brand, and she was like, You're an idiot because this teacup, you can't even put your fingers through it. Why would you ever choose this? This is a bad teacup. And I think that can happen to ones where the projection is instead of I don't like this teacup, it's bad. You're stupid. You know what I mean? Instead of having your opinion and it's like, I don't like this, it's more like, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

I think that's a great example because ones with the nine tend to be more critical in that sense, where they become more of an elitist and condescending when they're unhealthy, which I think we actually see that with Martha. I love her documentaries. I think there's like two of them out there. I've watched them both. So good. But if you watch, you can like see when she even talks about like the dissolution of her marriage and things along those lines. Like there were very clear right and wrongs, even when she talked about okay. Actually, one of my favorites is an unhealthy version, is she had an affair, but so did her husband. Her affair was justified, her husband's was Yes.

SPEAKER_01 28:44

I remember her talking about that and being like, This is hilarious. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:48

But I think if you watch that, that is what ones will do. No, if you're a healthier one or an average one, you might look at that, even actually an unhealthy one, be like, that's not true. Like, how could she be? Because a one would never cheat. But that's not true. They will have bad behavior at times. They just like she justified it in the most one way you could ever like watch. So I think that's such such if you're like a one and you want to be like, oh, what can I look like as a one with a nine-wing? She is a great example of it. But she also like does have a little bit of that elitist and like part of her and the condescendingness at times. But you also look when she went to the prison and she was humbled. I feel like she had a lot of personal growth during that time. And she went into like a teaching mode and helping everybody in the prison do things. And I was okay, like this is an obvious one when you like watch how she is in different scenarios, and I think that is a great example. And I'm trying to remember now.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

I I watched that document, I feel like it came out last year, so I can't remember all the details. But I I think it was like this last year. I think that her upbringing was very rigid. I feel like I remember that. Or maybe I'm just like thinking what it would be typically for a one very like very rigid parents, like have a standard, like my way is the way, and the kids don't always know, but they're like, okay, they're always right. I'm trying to meet this standard and to to meet that level of of expectations. And some of these tendencies can expose.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

Yeah, a lot of ones. Um, one of the things that stood out for me for ones in uh as children that they had to be the hero of the family. And she actually left to go work in the city at a young age because that's when she did her like Wall Street stent um and all that fun stuff that they talk about with the city.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

She also started modeling when she was really young, too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

But they actually become very disconnected from their parents.

SPEAKER_01 30:38

Yes. The relationships one children.

SPEAKER_00 30:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

It's not, it's more, I feel like it turns out to be more transactional. Like, oh, I need to step it up and be this person for the family.

SPEAKER_00 30:50

So ones can sometimes feel they can definitely disassociate from different people. Um, and their parents are one of them. And then they feel like they have to go out and like save their family. Now you have the one with the two wings. These guys definitely have a little bit more energy. And when they're really healthy, they're very idealistic with good principles, and they're very compassionate for people because now a two is a um is a helper. So these are the helpers of the Enneagram. So you already have now somebody with high moral, the ones, and then you add their like helper wing. They they show up and get stuff done with pretty high energy. And they're very involved in like, I think, community stuff. And this is where Hillary would fall um if she is a one. Um, we don't know. She's gonna show up show up over here. We don't know, but they say she is, she's on the list, and they also say another one is Celine Dion. Oh, yeah. But I could see that perfectly. Like, if you watch her documentaries as well or like behind the scenes, like she's very much like I'm a control. These are the right way of doing stuff, but she's like very friendly and upbeat about it, but she is very rigid at the same time, and you could sort of see her bounce between the two of those things. Um, but these guys are more action-oriented, so they have the higher energy and they're more likely to take like bigger action that people will notice. Uh, with that one with the two-wing. They're very, they usually say they're they make pretty big differences because they're like, We're gonna go, we're gonna go make this change, and then they go do it pretty quickly.

SPEAKER_01 32:13

These are the people that I see like heading um a crusade of like PTO or or in school when you were in school, it was the person who's like, We're gonna change the lunch meals because we deserve better.

SPEAKER_00 32:29

Yes, yes. Now, these people though, when they're unhealthy, they are more likely to be very frustrated um and blame other people and be like, oh, these people, you know, like I'm doing all the work. Look at these people over here not showing up and pulling their weight. And I think that's always good to note because um, you know, each of these have their like health. So like at their best, they're like highly altruistic and making these giant changes. And at their worst, they're moving into this state where they're just like, I'm doing all the work, and these people over here. So they're still making changes, but they're resentful of the people around them and at much, much more critical.

SPEAKER_01 33:03

Everyone worked with one a one with a two-wing in a group project at some point in your life, or you were this person.

SPEAKER_00 33:12

Yes, and you let them just do their thing, most likely. Even if you want to be a part of this, if you have like a one with a two-wing, they were like, No, we will do it. We will take care of all of it. You got it, it's all organized. And then you just show up and they present. And then, of course, if it doesn't go well, they will blame you 100% and be very judgmental.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

And then they'll talk to the teacher. It does. I feel like they'll like to the teacher and say they didn't do anything. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

But these guys like control. But I think something to note with the integrams, um, because we don't want to just say like, oh, I like control. Other integrams like control too. So it's also it's it's looking at the motivation behind it. Like, why would you want control? It's because of the moral standings and that black and white thinking. So then we also have, and this is where things get a little deeper. And if you're just starting with the integram, I would I would just focus on what we just said, looking at the wings, looking at the health levels, working towards being your best self. Um, but we also have the next level and what makes the integrams a little deeper is looking at like the social instinct, the sexual instincts, or the self-preservation instincts. And this can highly influence each of the ones as well. Yeah, this gets a little more complicated. Yes. Now, if you ever do a one-on-one like coaching and stuff, this is where we'd probably dive in a little deeper, figuring this out. But we'll do like a big picture on this. So if you have a social instinct as a one, they call you the crusader. So at this, this is where you're gonna be more about uh representing social standards, speaking for others, advocating, being a teacher, um, exposing like those people who like the journalists who go out and are exposing people's bad behavior and the corporation corruption. That's gonna be like a one out there, like fighting that. And they're really being involved in their local community and um making those changes, setting up the recycling, hosting the food drives. Um, so these people are going, they have like a really strong sense of social obligation and um very strong convictions.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

They also um are very critical and do not like though when people are critical of them in return. Well, no one likes that. Does anyone like that? No, they don't. But you know, some some aren't ones come from a lot of judgment because they're judging themselves. They never explained. So when they're not healthy, they're gonna go. Yeah, yeah. So it's just like, and then they're also like these crusaders uh with the social have those really high standards. No one can so it's like this weird cycle. Like, even them themselves can't meet it. Now, if you are a sexual instinct, this does not mean I think people sometimes will be like, Am I a sexual being? Like, it's not about that. Um, these are more about having um, so like the social tends to be more about the community based, while then the sexual ones are more about like individual-based, but not preservation. Does that make if that makes any sense? Like it is about you um and how you see the world versus you in a community. So with this one, it's gonna be more about your one-on-one relationships, whether it's your partner and your marriage and making sure like a good example. I I actually uh, you know that person who wrote like girl wash your face. Yeah, I hated that book. Same, but she is a good example of a one because she she put in a book, Here's my standards, and you should do these things too. And look how perfect my marriage is. And then when it fell apart, I think that image of that falling apart was really devastating. And I think these are things to look at for a good example of a one and what a what a sexual instinct one is. So they're gonna be people with a little bit smaller communities, but they're very dedicated to their people. So they want their friendships to look really perfect, they want their relationships to work really perfect, and they're also going to hold whoever is like, for example, their husband or wife or whoever they marry, their partner, is gonna be housed with the same standards as them. So these are gonna be like who are like, I have my here's my moral standards. Okay, now that we're married, here's your moral standards. And you're expecting them to show up like that. And they do the same thing for like their best friends or people who are really close to them in their inner circle. So they're gonna have that tighter knit circle and these really high standards with them and they're gonna show up for them and do great things, but they also are more likely to have like a sense of like struggle with abandonment and loneliness.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

I was I was going to say that because if you can find someone, partner or friend, like just a friend, who is able to meet the high standards that you have for yourself and like consistently shows up for them so that you can have a relationship that is not like just a month long, I would think that would create a very strong bond between those two people. But people are human, so people fall short. So you may have this standard. I don't hit it 100% of the time, and then that causes turmoil between our relationship, and then you feel like you can't continue with our relationship because I don't have the same high standards that you do. And then you feel like, and then because of that, the other person's like, I don't know if I can be in this friendship or relationship with you because of this. It's too stressful, it's too anxiety-inducing, and they leave, and then the one is left feeling, wow, no one will stay with me. I'm abandoned. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:38

Yeah, because and then, like, oh, no one also like can reach my standards, or they go if somebody's leaving them lots, there's something wrong with me. Yeah. And that's really hard, unhealthy uh one. What's also interesting about this is you mentioned where ones with their parents are feel like they have to be transactional. That also shows up in a lot of relationships with the sexual um variation because they also feel like I have to earn the good behavior from my spouse. I have to earn the love from my spouse and my friends. So they always feel like they have to be doing something to get something in return. This also shows up in two enneagrams where they feel like they have to do something in return that's transactional, but it's not the, it's it's that motivation is a little bit different. So at the with the ones here, they're thinking like if I hit these moral standards and I'm really good to this person, then they're gonna be good to me back. So it's not about receiving love per se, but about receiving their standard in return. Um, and then also control, they can be very controlling in relationships as a result of all of this and feeling undermined if they could potentially be abandoned. They also, I guess, can be jealous for personal growth, is really just noticing patterns when it comes to ennegrams. That's why we like talk about all this. It's like if you see this, oh, I do that, like you probably if you're like a sexual instinct, you uh one, you probably have seen this play out at all stages of relationships, like high school friendships, elementary school friendships, even without even understanding it. It's like, well, I did this for you. Why are you not a good friend back to me? And so looking at those patterns are gonna be really important on how you break those patterns to become the better version. Now, the last one is the self-preservation instinct. Um, this is more about the self and um the well-being of the ones. So ones might that are like self-preservation might be more obsessed with finances and making sure that they are taken care of. They might be more obsessed with their personal health, and those are the people that get more like like towards that eating disorder, whether it's like um, but they also can have it like not as extreme as that. Like, I'm gonna make sure that I only eat healthy foods of or certain diets that they eat.

SPEAKER_01 40:45

You know who I think of the self-preservation ones is did you ever watch that show Monk? Oh, okay. I didn't know that guy from Monk who very clearly they portrayed as him as having OCD. But this type of person has a specific they like, I don't know, a specific brand of milk. And that's the only type of milk because it's the good milk or the healthy milk, or we don't that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00 41:08

That's gonna show up with a self-preservation, I don't know why I can't say that word, self-preserving instinct one. Um, they're also gonna really want gratification too. So they're gonna want to be like making sure they're taken care of and and whatever that grass gratification, like working towards something and being like, okay, I have this now. Um and a lot of those things might be like physical things or something that contributes to whatever they put worth on. Um, they probably this group probably has the most inner conflict uh because the other two are more outward, right? They're like either whether it's a big group conflict or like that one-on-one relationship, where this is really focused more on um controlling oneself in the name of preservation. So I think you'll see more OCD tendencies with this group because they're gonna be more rigid and like owning, like if I can control myself, I can control everything else. So they they become very like it's like I sort of feel like it separates themselves, like it's them in control of them, and they have to make sure that they're perfect. And and then you're gonna see this a lot with like big discipline that they show up with too. Um, they call it like a super ego um in the Enneagram books, which I find really interesting. Um, because they also are gonna take like if you have a mistake, they're gonna, they're gonna be the group that's like, I made a mistake or I didn't reach the standard, and it's gonna become like the worst thing that's ever happened. Like they will equate it to a national, like a natural disaster. You know, they're gonna just like make everything gigantic if something doesn't go as planned. So I don't know if they have like I think this group needs to work a lot on resiliency and understanding that it is okay if you um mess up sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 42:52

Yeah, that's gonna be hard for any of the one variants, but specifically this one.

SPEAKER_00 42:57

Yeah. And this group does focus a lot on health too. So yeah, health and health finances.

SPEAKER_01 43:03

But it's a way to control the health one. I I get because that's a way to control yourself, right? I guess also finances control your security.

SPEAKER_00 43:16

Yeah, I mean, those are gonna be the big stuff. So it makes sense. But since those are the two things, it's all about that self-preservation. This is a really, really big part of it. Um, and so I always like these different variations because I think that can help you even understand yourself further, other than just like your wings and like your your standard one. But like, which one are you of these? Because if you're like as we talked, if you're identifying, I feel like this one's an easy one to be like, I fit whichever one of these. Um I think that helps you be aware of your patterns more than anything else and help identify who you are. So if you're like, am I really a one? If you've listened to this and you're like, oh my God, like I do that, you probably are.

SPEAKER_01 43:57

I feel yeah, ones are pretty distinct. Whereas some of the other types, I feel like they're um because their outward behaviors can be so similar, you have to look more at the inward thoughts and motivations.

SPEAKER_00 44:12

So let's say you you have identified as a one, or you know you have a one. Let's start with if you are a one, how do you become the best version of you? And I think the first thing is is acknowledging that you're good enough, just how you are, which is easier said than done.

SPEAKER_01 44:27

Yeah. So that message, that fear that you have that you're not good, you're evil, uh, you fall short of all good things. Not true. You gotta accept. I mean, even look in the mirror and say to yourself, I am good.

SPEAKER_00 44:41

And when you find yourself really critical, it should be a big warning sign. So if you're becoming really self-critical and you don't, you can't do anything right for yourself or other people, like you're always like, they're wrong, they're wrong. That is a sign you're not your healthiest version. And softening your inner critic is gonna be one of your biggest things for growth. So it goes back to like that self-love of like, you are enough, just how you are, you are good, and mistakes are okay because every human makes them. But sort of like accepting the chaos of the world, which is really hard for ones. Uh, but as a result, like a really healthy one is gonna be flexible. So if you're like this, we're all going off to dinner, we've agreed, and then somebody changes that and you're like, I'm no longer flexible, like having that self-talk of being like, okay, I'm not usually flexible, but I'm gonna go with things that happens. Um, because that flexibility is what also leads to more spontaneity, which also leads to more joy. So it all works together. But when you're looking, like asking the question, am I a healthier version of myself? Am I working towards the right things? Are you feeling more joy? Are you accepting things that are out of your control into your life? That's the spontaneity, and the flexibility. And are you okay with those uh things thrown at you that you cannot predict? And are you accepting them without criticism and anger?

SPEAKER_01 46:00

And like you said before, Megan, like a lot of this is just awareness, learning about behaviors, patterns, types. And when you do, even like if you're in a healthy state, you can slip into an unhealthy mindset or pattern because of times of stress or or uncontrollable factors. But having that awareness, you can say to yourself, okay, I've had a lot of critical self-talk to myself lately. Why is that? And just and not painting it as bad, good, whatever, just being curious about it. Um, I think you had mentioned it earlier. Uh, are things a little chaotic right now? Or are my in-laws staying with me for two weeks and this is bringing out a bad side of me? So, to just help identify that. And then once you, I think, walk through that, you'll have a better grasp of all right, this is a temporary, let's move through it. I see my patterns, let's try and turn it to a better version of myself.

SPEAKER_00 46:56

The hardest part is if you're feeling really tightly wound and like I'm holding everything in control, that is not a sign you're on the right path. In fact, once because they're so um in need of controlling everything around them and including like the standards, actually loosening your grip is gonna move you closer to the best version of you, is allowing I I like to, I'm going back to that word chaos, like allowing chaos to actually exist in your life, allowing like this whatever is meant to happen just to happen without you having to predict it, control it, and hold on to it.

SPEAKER_01 47:33

I think it's the unpredictable. Not everything can be predictable and precise and completely planned.

SPEAKER_00 47:39

Yeah. And the other thing is, is like perfection is really all in our heads and it's self-defined. There's no such thing as perfection in this world. Um, and so, and the other thing is I feel like just to remind ones, is like it is not your job to fix things. You do not have to fix other people's problems, you don't have to fix the world, you don't have to fix yourself. There's nothing really wrong in that sense. Um, you're allowed to sort of just be, and you also do not have to earn other people's love. Like, you don't have to be good in order for people to like you, you don't have to be good in order for your spouse to love you. Um, you are allowed to be exactly who you are and still be worthy of that love and friendship and community around you. And then if you have a one in your life, how would they want to be talked to?

SPEAKER_01 48:28

I would say directly, honestly, you don't want to lie to a one. Oh my God, no.

SPEAKER_00 48:35

I don't think you also want to like dismiss things. Like they're coming to you and saying like this matters to me. It's because they've already set a standard. And so if they set the standard, you need to acknowledge it. So I think just acknowledging where they're coming from and not just because the standard doesn't matter to you. Like a good example of if somebody says, like, I hate, you know, for one, you're in a one's house and they're like, I need my counter to always be clean, right? And then you're like, well, it doesn't matter if I have this one piece of paper on the counter, but to them it matters. So like having that respect or like going to them and like having that conversation, um, but acknowledging that what matters to them matters to them and it's okay.

SPEAKER_01 49:13

I was gonna say, don't be afraid to have the conversation with a one. Say, for example, they they have a particular way they want something done or order, asking, like, why is it that you want this way? Not not like in a snarky way. Like, why do you want that? It doesn't matter, right? Just being like and getting the understanding so that you can be like, oh, okay, I can see your perspective now and I'll respect that.

SPEAKER_00 49:39

But going along with that, one of the things I can say about ones is that when they are critical of you or have a um, I feel like we're if you're feeling imposed by a one, right? You're feeling these standards are being put on you, or you're feeling they're making a lot of effort, but you're like, I'm very frustrated with them. If you are feeling like really attacked by a one or you're having a conflict with them, that conflict would never happen if they don't care. So ones are critical and are holding you to a standard or nitpicking at you because they care for you deeply. And it might seem, yeah, and it might seem like, why, how do they care about me if they're always like doing this? They care about you because if they didn't, they just would leave.

SPEAKER_01 50:23

I was gonna say, if a one didn't care about you, you they you they would act like you didn't even exist.

SPEAKER_00 50:29

Yeah. So they're trying to make you better by doing this. And this is their way of showing that they care, even though it might be really frustrating from your point of view. So I think when you come at it from this viewpoint of like they're actually being really caring, even though it might not be resonating with you, that's gonna be a really different conversation than if you're like you're always attacking and critical. Well, it's because they care. And then you're gonna need to be very honest, very upfront, and very clear on your feelings because ones will respond and show up because they want to be good, right? So if you're setting a standard, they're gonna show up to that standard. But if you're like dismissive, if you aren't like if you're ignoring all the other stuff going on and you're not really clear on what your standard is, they can't reach that. So it creates some conflict. Um, and then helping them be more joyful and have some spontaneity can be very helpful, but that can only come if they feel safe. So creating that safe environment that they can feel they can bring their defenses down and um be less critical.

SPEAKER_01 51:33

Yeah, I think that's great advice.

SPEAKER_00 51:35

Well, if you are a one and you are interested or you're working or you have like a one partner, uh, we'd love to hear about it. So, like reach out and if you're not sure, you can take the test online at innatewomen.com. And then we'll see you next week for going over to Instagram. All right. Well, thank you for joining us at the table.