Four years ago I had three really big problems. Part two is how problem number three, loosing weight turned out to be one of the most stubborn and challenging problems of my life. This podcast is for anyone struggling with the difficulty of an unsolved problem.
Four years ago I had three really big problems. Part two is how problem number three, loosing weight turned out to be one of the most stubborn and challenging problems of my life. This podcast is for anyone struggling with the difficulty of an unsolved problem.
Solving My Biggest problem Part 2
In my last podcast I gave you part one of three huge problems I had to solve four years ago. In Part 1 I told you about how my inspiration from God to solve these problems was to apply the Book of Mormon to myself. And I told you how the windows of heaven did open for me and I got my house and my husband. Lookin back on those first two problems, it seemed like forever. But, it was only four months to get the house, two years to get the husband. Those solutions certainly felt like tender mercies from my loving Heavenly Father. And I caution you, everyone’s trials are unique. These were my answers and God’s timing. I know of wonderful, incredible people who appear to be doing everything right who search for years for a spouse, and they are still single. Their answer has been peace. Everyone is entitled to their own answers and their own path.
On my Third problem:
Losing weight and keeping it off, “sigh.” It has been an extremely stubborn trial in my life, causing a lot of heartache from age 17 to age 67. And along with the affliction of being overweight, there has also been the blindingly cruel and painful negative thinking and resultant low self-esteem. This is the bigger part of the problem. Let’s analyze the aspect of negative thinking.
Patricia T. Holland said that Satan is staging a full blown blitz on women. Every time there’s an image on social media or any screen that tells me I’m not good enough, and I think about how I’ve been trying to get thin, I feel like a failure.
OK, I hope you can tolerate some imagery here. It’s like the media or the world is in this exclusive modern condo tower on one side of a valley. People are out on their balconies pointing at me, making fun of me. The beautiful people tell me only thin women are valuable, and no matter how hard I try, I’m not thin enough, hence I’m hopeless and worthless.
But on the other side of the valley is a single enormous tree with white and delicious fruit. That fruit, that tree, stands for the Love of God. People who love me are trying to coax me to come and eat the white delicious fruit, to feel what it’s like to stop my negative thinking, my shame thinking, and feel what it’s like to be loved and accepted the way Jesus Christ loves and accepts me. Jesus went about doing good. He loves me when I try to be like him, because I make good choices and I do good things and I love others as I love myself.
The Full blown Blitz on Women has two parts.
A. Satan, talking through all the screens of the world, tells in a myriad of ways every day we are nothing if we aren’t skinny enough, aren’t sexy enough. And when we believe that we are never enough, our self esteem goes in the toilet
And B. Satan, talking through the screens of the world, tells us that we can eat that chocolate bar, and we can cheat, it won’t count, That the snack hack won’t have consequences. Which of course leads to gaining weight then depression and low self esteem.
I even have a name for the part of me that believes I can scam the calories, I can hack the snack system and get away with it. In another podcast you met Osta Hoga. That’s Norwegian for Cheese Hog. My ancestors Helga Knudsdatter and Eric Hogan lived in Norway in the 1800’s.
There are amazing Norwegians. Helga Knutsdautter for raising kids and cows on those high mountain sides they call the fjords, Lief the amazing explorer, Thor the amazing – looking. Not Osta Hoga. She is not amazing.She tells me snacks don’t have any consequences. She’s just a cheater eater.
We had Crumbl(™) cookies at our team meeting at work. You know those humongous soft, chocolaty, real butter and refined sugar death disguised as nutrition. I had been strong during lunch. But, later that day. as I walked past the leftover Crumbl(™) cookies in the break room, I tried to avert my eyes, as I’m heading to the fridge for the soda water. Osta Hoga saw that cosmic brownie cookie with little sprinkle stars sitting there in its lovely pink box. She makes my hand veer towards the box.
I say, “No, Osta Hoga, I’m giving up sugar for a whole year.”
She said, “Oh, nei, nei! Oh, look, someone has cut dem into tiny pieces. There could only be 25 calories in dat itty bitty slice. It von’t hurt yoo to eat some cookie perfection.”
So I eat one tiny slice.
Then on my next break, she says, “Dat last client was so drrraining. Yoo need some energy. Yoo had a salad for duh lunch, dat vas duh healthy. You verk so hard. Now yooo deserve more cookie.” So I eat two more slices
At 8:15 that night when my day was done, I’ve eaten so many total slices it equaled 3 cookies.
Yep 560 calories x 3. 1680. That’s my entire day of calories. I’m going to be fat forever.
Therefore I’m ugly. Therefore I’m weak. Therefore I have no self-control. Therefore I’m worthless.
Yes, I have 25 years experience as a counselor. I know those are horrific thoughts I should not be thinking! I need to get my mind right before my body will cooperate. In Part 1 I told you how on Sept 11, 2019 I received:
Meaningful Inspiration #1: Apply the Book of Mormon.
In Part 1, I read the quote from Russell M. Nelson how the windows of heaven would be open and I’d get answers to my biggest problems. So daily, I was highlighting, putting my name in, typing how that scripture applied to me. I found over a hundred scriptures that applied to my goal of self control, like this one Alma 38:12:
“Bridle all your passions.” Oh my goodness, Tracy bridle your passions! That means control your emotional eater and stick to your goal of 1800 calories a day, Tracy.
Don’t listen to Osta when she whispers, “You can bake that chocolate cheesecake for duh oldest daughter's birthday cake. You vill only take two bites.”
But I say, “I could just buy a slice for her so I don’t eat any myself.”
And she says, “Oh, nei, nei. Dis is the Verds of Visdom: Vheat is for duh man, Cho co late is for duh voman.”
At night my husband and I were binge watching our favorite detective series. I just have to have a personal charcuterie party and set out delectable wheat thins and gouda cheese. That puts me 700 calories over my goal. I know I should not do it, but I can’t seem to stop myself.
I had the impression the next morning to throw away all the cheese.
I convinced my lactose intolerant husband to do it. He hates my yummy cheese and he knows I am not strong enough if he will do it.
He’s got the garbage can by the fridge. He’s holding a package above the garbage can.
Osta Hoga screams, “Oh, nei, nei, not the Sviss cheese.it’s duh Sunday cheese, it’s holey. Besides, dat von vont hurt because there are no calories in they holes.”
He pulls out another and tries to get it into the garbage can.
Osta grabs his hand. “Oh, nei, nei, not the Gouda cheese, it’s too gooda to be true.”
This time he actually gets a cheese into the can..
Like lightning, Osta snatches the cheese out of the can. “Oh, nei, nei, the Jarlsberrrg cheese we call duh Viking Viagrrra. You can eat dis, It’s lactose frrree. Dhere are two reasons you don’t vant to trrrow dis von avay.”
I have over a hundred pages saved in a file on my computer where I found a great scripture and applied it to myself.
My strategy to apply Book of Mormon scriptures to myself was changing my thinking. It was wonderful to see God’s word in a new personal way. So for two years my thinking is morphing into changing my beliefs.
But starting to change my beliefs wasn’t enough to change behavior, because I wasn’t strong enough to control the reins of the bucking bronco. It worked for a time, then I crashed and gained back the weight.
Bridling my passion for snacks was so difficult with Osta. I tried so many apps and commercial diet plans, I was logging my calories in “My fitness pal” when my son told me about an app called “Zero Intermittent Fasting(™).” I felt impressed to stop eating at 8pm and not eat until noon.
Unfortunately, my husband Mac and I discovered a Pepperidge Farm cookie outlet. I knew there were cookies that were rejects, or seconds, bags of Milano chocolate cookies for $2.33 a pound. My frontal cortex, the logical part of my brain, said, “You better sit in this truck while Mac buys those cookies.”
“Oh, nei, nei! Yoo must leesten to Osta Hoga. You can buy da cookies. You arrre strong, you von’t actually eat dem.”
Why did I go into that store and pick up a Milano bag and read the description? “Rich dark chocolate and refreshing mint hidden between delicate cookies.”
Osta wants her feelings of emptiness assuaged by that chocolate. Osta begs, “Mat meg! Mat meg!” Translation: feed me,feed me!
It's only 11 in the morning. On Zero Intermittent Fasting you don’t start eating until noon. I turned my back on the register so I would not see Mac buy a three-pound bag of cookie seconds. I told myself, “I will not eat those cookies. I will be strong.”
Mac knows I’m in trouble when he sees my face. He runs to our pick up and quickly stows the cookies under the back seat. I buckle myself in to restrain myself and prepare. “Don’t reach back, don't reach back. There are no chocolate cookies in this truck.”
Osta Hoga says, “Oh, nei, nei! One little cookie von’t hurrt yoo.” So I reach back, get the bag. “Wow those are sooo good.”
“Oh, dhe choc o late and ama ret to ones are dye e lig.” Translation: delicious. I tie the bag back up. I place it on the back seat.
She exclaims, “Dere could only be 10 ca lor ees in vone skinny coookie. Look, at dat bag! de only barrrrier between yoo and cho co late bleess is a flimsy tvisty tie.”
I can’t decide whether I like the mint chocolate or amaretto chocolate ones the best. So I eat two more. My brain, my reasoning, my frontal cortex is hijacked. And this is how addiction to chocolate and instant gratification works. When I’m not chewing one, I’m thinking about chewing another one.
As the sugar high kicks in I’ve got to have another one.
At home, the cookies were sitting on the island while we put the groceries away. Two more. Now I ask Mac to hide all the cookies where I won’t find them.
We eat some healthy lunch. Osta says, “Ve could eat da cookies for dessert!!”
I say, “No, I don’t need dessert. Look at this arm, there are 3000 cookies on this arm. Whatever happened to ‘don’t start eating until noon?’ I feel sick.”
I feel so wretched.
I try to access my frontal cortex with logic. Nutrition facts: One cookie is 65 calories and 8 grams of carbs. My brain screams at me, to pick up my phone and log the cookies on My Fitness pal. Maybe that will shock me into consciousness, and I’ll stop. But the dam of self-restraint has burst, and all the backed-up longing gushes forth.
Osta says, “Oh, nei, nei! Yoo can record the calories later. Let's load de cookies into dis tin. Loook at the ones dat are missing a top half. The naked chocolate is showing. Vhat a trreasure. Look dere’s another one.” And my choco feeding frenzy continues.
12 cookies are 780 calories. There might have been more. Osta disconnected my brain, and I couldn’t count. My goal is only 1500 calories a day. That means I only have 720 calories left for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I’m so weak and messed up. How can I have such little control when I’ve been applying myself in the Book of Mormon and praying about this problem for a whole year?
I feel so ashamed. My 12-step program for addiction to chocolate has turned out to be, “Never be more than 12 steps from chocolate.”
I pray, “Heavenly Father, please help me, please give me strength. I need to be better at listening to the Spirit that tells me to stop eating. If I want to be more like Christ, I need self-control. Am I making any progress? Am I even a tiny bit slower to relapse? Am I getting better at repenting? What is wrong with me? In the Strength of the Lord I can do all things, but why doesn’t it stick?”
I pray for strength again. What is wrong with me? Why aren’t I strong enough
Then in August 2021, my daughter and I went to BYU education week to get answers. You know. You drive 2 hours, you pay for housing in the boys dorm and sleep on the worst mattress in history with a blanket so thin and ratty it was used in the trenches in WWI. You get up at o dark thirty and you pound the pavement of campus to find and listen to some of the brightest minds in my church just so you can get new ideas, help and inspiration… and on the very last of the five days, here it was, the idea I desperately needed.
This college religion professor said that when she needed help from God, she set a timer for 30 minutes for her Book of Mormon scripture study.
Meaningful Inspiration #2: 30 Minute scripture study.
But 30 minutes first thing in the morning is hard. There's a million things to do and it seems like a big sacrifice, a big chunk out of the progress of the day. And, we can’t binge watch and charcuterie until midnight, we have to get up earlier in order to study.
But we persisted and things started to be different. First, I noticed I started off “inspiration” about 5:30 in the morning when my mind was really quiet. Just good ideas that made sense, that felt right. There were inspirations about how to get more healthy and lose weight, and inspirations about my other problems.
For instance; our children are all raised, we had been praying to the Lord, “What’s next? Is it to go on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?” Many retired couples sell their homes and go to a foreign country and serve as full-time service missionaries helping the local leadership with teaching English or helping people find jobs or whatever is needed. Then Some of our friends were serving from their homes as addiction recovery service missionaries, or volunteering in the prison to hold services. Hmmm. But at that same education week in a class on “10 Myths on Sr. Missionaries,” we had heard that there were more senior missionaries serving from their homes in North Cache county where we lived than all of Europe. So the market was saturated, we weren’t needed in Logan Utah. Hmmmm. Where to use our talents? Where to use my husband's pilot’s experience and my experience as a licensed counselor?
North Cache County is bitterly cold in the winter. Could we find a warm place to serve in the winter? And do our missions online somehow? We found these things called “Airparks.” Communities where you have an airstip, a garage for your car and a hanger for your airplane. Your driveway and your street is also a taxiway. Because most people drive around in a golf cart, you open your hanger and they stop in their golf cart and talk for two hours. They have parties they call fly-ins. Your neighbor fixes your plane. The ladies who have not retired from American Airlines get together once a week and make flower arrangements for the nursing home. It was a perfect place to get to know our neighbors and love them.
Those morning inspirations lead us to the Cannon Creek Airpark in Florida where we feel needed. My husband works online as a Pathways missionary which is an extremely low cost college education. I was asked by my church leader to get my Florida counseling license, and I got credentialed with a few insurance companies. I can see the majority of my clients on zoom in both states and I donate the proceeds of my counsling money to a friend who organizes education for the untouchables, the lowest caste in Nepal because they are not allowed in the public schools .
Also, I found this medium of podcasting so I can reach out and help people in the English-speaking world.
My mind started being just full of how I can help people out of depression, with 6 steps on the happiness ladder, Health, Growth, God, Gratitude Connection and Charity. I get really excited about using the gifts God has given me and my 30 years of experience to help people in my podcasts.
A wonderful thing started happening with the negative thoughts. On Sept 11, 2019, I set out to solve the problem of losing weight, by #1 Applying myself in the Book of Mormon. In Sept of 2021, two years later, I started setting a timer to study for 30 minutes.
I’m so done with counting my calories and focusing so many of my thoughts on weight, I realize I am obsessed with weight loss. I needed a better way to handle my negative thinking quickly and move on to more important things.
This is the next milestone that came to me that really helped.
Meaningful Inspiration #3: Focus on one Inspired Goal
Did you know that the average person has between 12 and 60K thoughts a day and guess how many of those thoughts are negative? 80%
A lot of negative thoughts are that men are more likely to think about making more money, feeling like they’re never good enough, and women are more likely to think they are never pretty enough.
Think of a train track figure eight. On the left are the negative thoughts. 80% of the time our braintrain circles and circles around and around that negative track, in this case thinking I’m not thin enough, I’m over my calorie allotment for the day, oh dear, how do I have the neighbors over for dinner and pass on dessert? Nobody will love me unless I’m thin! In so many ways just forgetting the Savior and focusing on our worries.
Stop the train! How do we do that? Well, every Sunday when I take the sacrament I make a promise. I promise that I will remember the Savior always.
The Savior is the key to throwing the switch on the brain train and getting it over to the right side, the light side.
If I think the thought: no, my one inspired goal for today is to focus on no snacks after dinner. Jesus Christ loves me and wants to help me love myself and others.
Then the braintrain switches to the right side, the light side that is remembering the Savior. “Who can I serve today? What am I thankful for? How can I make that better?” It’s all the positive thinking.
I had a client come in who was having a hard time with his ex-wife. Now you know I’m going to disguise this to protect his identity, just the important bits are true. After a two-year brutal divorce, she went back to court to try to sue him because she didn’t like him telling his side of the marriage to the children. Because of the delicate nature of his business, suing him would have destroyed his career. His braintrain was stuck on the left side, worrying about the risk, ruminating over and over again on all the terrible things she had done and this new absolutely idiotic, ridiculous and unfair lawsuit. He had gone to his attorney and his church leader and asked if he should try to protect himself legally. His attorney said yes, she had no grounds for a lawsuit. His bishop said no. His bishop had noticed how he and his new wife were happy and in love. His bishop told him, “Don't let the old marriage poison the new one. I advise you to drop it.”
He came to see me. “I’ve tried to drop it, but I can’t sleep because my brain won’t shut off. I'm too upset to eat. How do I move on and forget?”
We wrote all these horrible and negative things on the left side of the figure eight.
I said, “You already know the answer. I’m just going to help you feel peaceful enough to hear God’s voice. What is one tiny goal, just one step to help you switch over to the right side, the positive side of the figure 8?
He was quiet for a few minutes. “The strongest thing I’m feeling is to drop it and focus on my new marriage. Don’t poison it.”
“I knew you’d been getting inspiration. That means you stop talking about your ex and the lawsuit, and if you start thinking about your ex, just switch back to the positive with your thought, ‘My first inspired goal is to drop it so I don’t poison my new marriage.’”
“What can we write for the positive thoughts on the right side?”
“That my new wife and I have a great life together. I’m more funny and affectionate than I’ve ever been. She’s crazy about me. We do things to follow the Savior, we are serving together for the church at the homeless shelter. My career is more fulfilling than ever. We really enjoy our blended family.”
“Wow,” I said. “You don’t want to ruin that.”
It worked. He was able to use that one goal to switch his braintrain to the positive track.
The lawsuit turned out to be just a threat from a vindictive and poisonous person. When he didn’t fan the flames, it petered out and died.
So remember my inspirations to solve my biggest problem were 1. Apply the Book of Mormon to myself, 2. Read the Book of Mormon for 30 minutes a day, and 3. Focus on just one inspired goal
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