Drinking Our Way Through History
Step into a time-traveling adventure with Drinking Our Way Through History, where Cooper and Ian uncork the fascinating secrets of the past. Embark on an enlightening and uproarious podcast experience as they uncover legendary figures, awe-inspiring sites, captivating spectacles, and remarkable events, all with a quirky blend of humor, intrigue, and heartwarming tales. Sip along as we immerse ourselves in history's intoxicating depths, turning moments of the past into unforgettable memories. Cheers to an epic journey!
Drinking Our Way Through History
Episode 31: The Santa and Krampus Spectacular - Orange Balls
In the heart of winter, a season steeped in tradition, two distinct figures emerge to shape the spirit of Christmas. One is the embodiment of kindness and generosity, a saint whose legacy spans centuries — St. Nicholas. The other, a darker counterpart, lurking in the shadows of folklore with a menacing presence — Krampus. We will explore the fascinating journey of St. Nicholas, from his early life of charity to the evolution into the beloved figure of Santa Claus. And as we unravel the benevolence of St. Nicholas, we will also delve into the eerie folklore surrounding Krampus, highlighting the contrasting elements that coexist in the Christmas narrative, while ending the episode with some fun Krampus creepy pastas from the interweb!
Instagram - @drinkingthroughhistorypodcast
Hey Cooper Ian jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Speaker 1:Is that? Oh, what fun. I was kind of hoping that you had like some, some bar or something that. I was gonna spend some like dirt, like some sick-ass bar or like Some really fucked up twists to jingle bells. Nope, awesome, nope, awesome, nope. That comes later.
Speaker 2:That. That totally makes sense, or earlier, depending on how you look at it. You know, december 5th pretty tough day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it can be mm-hmm, if you're a victim a piece of shit child.
Speaker 2:Yeah, december 5th is the day of piece of shit.
Speaker 1:children, yes, getting brutally murdered, and Murdered, stolen, depending on what you believe, yeah, well, of course, how you believe it, I believe it all. Well, since you believe at all, maybe we should get into this podcast so welcome to drinking our way through history, where we cover the legendary people, places, spectacles and events that history has to offer, while enjoying a thick pour of whiskey. I am Cooper and I Mm-hmm, and me and wow. Thank you, you're welcome, I was lost.
Speaker 2:I bet you how many people thought that the podcast was lagging.
Speaker 1:I know, I know I'm a minister society.
Speaker 2:What could I say?
Speaker 1:now, in the heart of winter, a season steeped in tradition, two distinct figures emerge to shape the spirit of Christmas. One is the embodiment of kindness and generosity, a saint whose legacy spans century Saint Nicholas. The other a A darker counterpart, lurking in the shadows of folklore. With a menacing presence Comes Krampus Krampus. We will explore the fascinating journey of Saint Nicholas, from his early life of charity to the evolution into the beloved figure of Santa Claus. Santa, and as we unravel the benevolence of Saint Nicholas, we will also delve into the eerie folklore Surrounding Krampus, highlighting the contrasting elements that coexist in the Christmas narrative. I am so fucking pumped. This is actually, it's pretty exciting. So we're gonna go from the Saint Nick and we're gonna go to sanny claws and we're gonna go to Krampus.
Speaker 2:Which we haven't decided yet, the correct pronunciation of Krampus. Like in America, I feel like we call them Krampus, but in Germany they call them what? Cooper?
Speaker 1:No no, you were saying Krampus. No, I was saying Krampus. No, you're saying Krampus earlier.
Speaker 2:No, that is a completely false statement.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna throw the flag. I'm gonna throw the flag. You watch a replay.
Speaker 2:Okay, watch replay Overstation our decision stands and I've never called him crumpets, called him Krampus I have never called him Krampus. A day in my life I literally argued with you in my doorway earlier about calling him Krampus. About you calling him Krampus? I call him Krampus. What did you call him I?
Speaker 1:I said. I said, krampus, no, you did it. You gaslighting, piece of shit.
Speaker 2:Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1:Are you so excited to hang around with your families out there?
Speaker 2:I was so excited for this episode, until just now, cuz Ian's just full of shit.
Speaker 1:God, I'm fucking hatey.
Speaker 2:You're not getting anything for.
Speaker 1:Christmas. That's a lie. I Actually you know what from you. I have no idea, honestly.
Speaker 2:Now, I guess you'll never know.
Speaker 1:It would be nice if somebody told the audience to rate the podcast and maybe plug it.
Speaker 2:Oh god, guys, we have to save Cooper. We have to save Cooper. He's choking. The only way, the only way that you could save him, is by hitting that like button, hitting that five star review button, leaving us a nice review underneath. Go ahead and comment on Cooper's shitty mic voice If you will in the review, but make sure it's five stars, of course.
Speaker 2:Yeah, please but go ahead and tell us just how shitty Cooper's mic voice is and how much better it would be, how much better of a Christmas you would have if he would pronounce Krampus the way he said he was gonna Krampus. There we go. Yeah what's the Germanic word for Krampus? What is, what is his name in German?
Speaker 1:Oh, it's, Krampus yeah but Krampus.
Speaker 2:What isn't it like, krampus?
Speaker 1:schnocked is the. Krampus schnocked is. The is December 5th, the night or the day before Saint the, saint Nicholas's the feast the day, what is it? The feast day of Saint Nicholas. There we go okay, Okay.
Speaker 2:So I mean a little bit.
Speaker 1:I was word word bumble in there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I put you on the spot.
Speaker 1:You did good, though. You did good, yes, yeah. So Krampus schnocked is the day before and it's basically like it's like a Christmas Halloween.
Speaker 2:Or a Christmas Eve.
Speaker 1:No, chris Bissoli, because everybody will talk Cross Maline, we'll get there. We'll get there. Ian, we'll get there.
Speaker 2:Well, speaking of getting there, where do all things begin, Cooper?
Speaker 1:Usually birth.
Speaker 2:The beginning, okay, the early life of Saint Nicholas, the real Santa Claus. Now, as Americans, we know the jolly old man with his white shiny beard, rosy red cheeks and large red suit as Santa Claus who brings gifts to all the good little boys and girls. Well, underneath that red fluffy suit is the story of a Christian monk who lived in the third century AD that is known by the name of Saint Nicholas, saint Nicholas. Saint Nicholas born in the third century in Potara.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Nice, a coastal town in what is now Turkey, emerged from humble beginnings to become a revered figure in Christian tradition. Raised in a devout Christian family, his life took a turn when he inherited significant wealth following the untimely death of his parents due to a pandemic when Nicholas was still fairly young. Rather than succumb to the temptations of wealth and luxury, nicholas dedicated himself to a life of service and charity, obeying the word of Jesus to sell what you own and give the money to the poor. Nicholas used his entire inheritance to assist the needy, the sick and the suffering.
Speaker 1:He's like a really good guy. Yeah, he's like really good guy, yeah.
Speaker 2:He's like, he's like, he's a good guy.
Speaker 1:He's like a friend.
Speaker 2:You know there's that figure of speed. You know you're a real Saint Nick. Is that a figure?
Speaker 1:of speech I just made it up just now. Is that the figure of?
Speaker 2:speech. It should be, it should be and I'm sure somewhere someone said it can't be the first.
Speaker 1:You're impressing me right now. Thank you With your ad lib skills.
Speaker 2:I'm pretty.
Speaker 1:I'm going to go on top of the world. Par, nope On par. I wanted to say on top of the world. So that's what I said, because I'm good at ad libs and you know what else is on top of the world, the North Pole oh man, I was going to say a little Wayne, because he's about to pick the world up and drop it on his fucking head. The world up and over dropping when you're floating.
Speaker 2:Hey, all right Anyway.
Speaker 1:Now, one of the most enduring stories from his early life is the tale of three sisters. A man who is extremely poor and unable to marry off his daughters due to the impoverished circumstances was on the brink of selling them into slavery.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm broke, so I guess you guys got to go into indentured servitude for the rest of your life. I'm sorry, but I got to pay the bills, you know.
Speaker 1:There's variations of this story across the board. This is just kind of like he probably had to sell them off or something like that.
Speaker 2:Like when, at the time, you have like many opportunities.
Speaker 1:It was like you get to be sold off into the sex trade or you get to be a slave.
Speaker 2:He was in a pretty bad place, yeah it wasn't great.
Speaker 1:It wasn't great position. Like I said, or like we have said many times, best time to be alive is right now. Yeah, now. Faced with this financial hardship, the father, obligated by the customs of the time, needed to provide a substantial dowry to secure a suitable marriage for his daughters. A dowry of significant value increased the likelihood of finding respectable husbands for the young women, while the absence of one made marriage very improbable.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, what can I say, man? If she don't got a house, two horses, a barn, $17,000 in jewelry, I don't even want to marry her.
Speaker 1:Well, a lot of times dads would give away cattle.
Speaker 2:Yeah, cattle, goats, stuff like that.
Speaker 1:There's a story about like a pig being sold off somewhere Like I can't remember. It's childhood story, though Interesting yeah where the pig was being exchanged for the daughter. I can't remember what it is.
Speaker 2:I remember it from Aragon. I remember it from Aragon because Sloan retracted Katrina's dowry from Roarin when they decided to become betrothed.
Speaker 1:Holy shit, that's such a.
Speaker 2:oh my God, my brain just like Back in the day, right, god damn, it's a good one. Those of you who know know, though, highly recommend the Aragon series great book.
Speaker 1:Very good series. Now, having recently fallen to hard times, the father found himself unable to afford the necessary dowries, leaving him with the agonizing choice of selling his daughters into slavery or possibly even the sex trade. Now, remarkably, on three separate occasions, when each sister was of age, a mysterious bag of gold materialized in their home. Must have been a heavy bag Enabling the distressed father to offer them as dowries for his three daughters. The bags of gold were reportedly thrown through a window and landed in the stockings or shoes that were left by the fire to dry, and this occurrence started the tradition of children hanging stockings or placing shoes in anticipation of receiving gifts from St Nicholas. In some versions of the story, three gold balls are mentioned instead of bags, which are now symbolized with oranges in contemporary depictions of St Nicholas.
Speaker 2:Dude, I can't tell you how many times I have told people that mom gives us oranges in our stockings and they've been like what the fuck? Why this is why this is why Wow the three gold balls Huh.
Speaker 1:Cool, nothing more important than three gold balls, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Now, this act of kindness would be the first of many establishing St Nicholas as a symbol of compassion and generosity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so St Nicholas continued his journey of kindness as he rose to prominence within the Christian community, eventually becoming the Bishop of Mira. In this clerical role, st Nicholas not only defended the Christian faith, but also extended his compassionate acts to those in need. Must not have known very much about the Crusades, but you know it is what it is. I don't. What's the timeline on that?
Speaker 1:He's, this is man. Oh God, this third century AD. So.
Speaker 2:That's pre-Crusades, isn't it I?
Speaker 1:think so, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because he's actually the Christians get exiled at some point and he gets exiled and ready guys?
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, so it's a okay, okay, so it's pre-Crusades.
Speaker 1:I don't. I didn't look up this timeline, so I have no idea that we were just spitting out of our ass.
Speaker 2:You're just spitting out of your ass, sir. It is a talent that I did with a talent show with so I forgot you did that. Yeah, that's actually a real Mom's got it on camera somewhere. Yeah, that's actually a real life fact. Wow. So, as Bishop, why did I want to know? That's not true?
Speaker 1:No, that's what. We can't sell it so honestly, no, that's, that's.
Speaker 2:No, that really happened. No, mom has it on film. I've seen it twice. I don't know why you're trying to say it didn't happen, kind of like how earlier I said crampus right.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry. Who are you Newfound? Who this?
Speaker 2:Oh, brotherly love. Now, as Bishop, st Nicholas became a symbol of hope for the people of Mira. His reputation for generosity and kindness was supplemented by his dedication to the well-being of people in need. He used his position to advocate for justice and champion the cause of the less fortunate, earning him admiration beyond the boundaries of his parish. A particularly famous story from St Nicholas's time as a bishop involves his intervention on behalf of three innocent men who face an execution. St Nicholas approached the executioner and, through his sincere prayers, miraculously prevented the executioner sparing the lives of the innocent men.
Speaker 1:Please, dear Lord, give this man the finest pussy in the world, my axe, it's not moving. My axe. Allow him to be flooded with all of the pussy during Christmas. My cock is harder than my axe yes, this is what I'm seeking for. My cock yes, all of the pussy.
Speaker 2:I must go to the whole house. Men you are free, and that's pretty much exactly how I went down. That's an actual recording that we just played From the time they had a portable recorder there first of its age.
Speaker 1:There are numerous accounts that talk about Nicholas's time with the sea and how he helped these seamen. Now, in his youth, he embarked on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land, seeking spiritual enlightenment by retracing Jesus' footsteps. On the return journey by sea, a fierce storm posed a serious threat to the ship. An unfazed Nicholas calmly prayed please, dear Lord, give us all the pussy when we land.
Speaker 2:All of a sudden, mermaids just came on the side of the ship and just unleashed their murr-pussies. The storm parted away. Yeah, yeah, just like their murr-pussies, it was great.
Speaker 1:Now, to the astonishment of the terrified sailors, the tumultuous weather suddenly subsided, sparing everyone on board. Hence St Nicholas became revered as the patron of sailors and voyagers.
Speaker 2:This guy was so lucky. If you look at it, these are just like coincidences. Oh, super big ones. This man is the luckiest dude on the planet. Not that he's not a good guy or anything, but that is fucking hilarious. Oh man, yeah, it's.
Speaker 1:He's just like he sees a little part in the clouds that no one's seen yet. He's like, oh, this shit's about to fuck it.
Speaker 2:It is about to go down.
Speaker 1:He's like dear Lord, pot the tides, let the calm waters come. And then all of a sudden, five minutes go by and him just screaming that shit. And it's just calm waters and everyone's like holy shit, this guy's fucking real.
Speaker 2:You just look down the way, you see a guy with a really long beard parting the red sea and it's actually just Noah. It's actually just because Noah's part of the sea.
Speaker 1:Noah shows up, Give Santa a big ass wink like I got you dog, I got you.
Speaker 2:We're both doing the same shit, my boy Doing the Lord's work.
Speaker 1:am I right? Praise the Lord, my dog. Air high five, air high five, shit.
Speaker 2:I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it. I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it. You see, here we just had that happen there.
Speaker 1:That's good. That's good Now. While St Nicholas's deeds were numerous and varied, they all shared a common thread A selfless dedication to helping those in need. His life as a bishop was marked by a commitment to the principles of justice, compassion and charity, laying the foundation for the enduring legacy that would eventually evolve into the modern figure of Santa Claus. Nicholas dedicated his life to God and was made Bishop of Myra, but under the rule of Roman Emperor Diocletian, who ruthlessly persecuted Christians, nicholas was exiled and imprisoned. He was released in 325 AD and died almost 20 years later, in 343 AD.
Speaker 1:Now, both Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Churches have celebrated December 6th as the date of his passing for more than a thousand years now, even though the actual date of his death is unknown. December 6th became St Nicholas Feast Day, which became a significant celebration in various European countries. So on this day, communities would come together to honor their generous saint and acts of kindness. Feasts and the exchange of small gifts were common traditions associated with St Nicholas Feast Day. These customs laid the foundation for the spirit of giving that would later be synonymous with Santa Claus. Now, st Nick performed numerous secret and selfless deeds, done without any expectation of getting something in return. Within a century of his passing, nicholas attained the status of a saint celebrated for his role as a friend and protector of all in trouble or in need. What a good guy.
Speaker 2:What a good Christian. Those are rare. We don't usually talk about the good Christians. We tend to talk about the ones that killed millions of people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know I was just saying I'm like there's so many more good Christians than there are bad, but the bad ones are like really bad. They're just so bad.
Speaker 2:For every one bad Christian there's a thousand good Christians. But the one bad Christian kills over a thousand people. So it, just it, just it, just you know, doesn't really equal out, you know it is what it is religion. Yeah yeah, it's not just Christians, it's a lot Everybody but Buddhists. Really, what are they doing?
Speaker 1:Just chilling bro. They're like the cats of religion man. They're just observing.
Speaker 2:Just chilling watching? No, because cats hunt.
Speaker 1:Cats do hunt. Buddhists don't hunt at all, so that's a bad comparison.
Speaker 2:They're like the. They're like the hounds. Like the, like the hounds, yeah, like the, not the hounds, but like the really lazy, like big dogs that just kind of lay there all day and like meditate almost they're talking about that big one with the droopy face. Yeah, even though they can be real mean Bloodhound.
Speaker 1:Ah, bloodhound.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I do feel like they have to be mean, because they can be mean.
Speaker 1:Of their name, bloodhound.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, they're just good at smelling blood. They don't draw it, cooper, I I just don't.
Speaker 1:I don't think that's how, like dog breed names work, though. No no, no no, no.
Speaker 2:I know nothing about dogs, so One of the oldest stories showing St Nicholas as a protector of children takes place long after his death. The town's people of Mira were celebrating the saint on the eve of his feast day, December 5th, when a band of Arab pirates from Crete came into the Mira district. They raided the church of St Nicholas, grabbing all the treasures they could lay their hands on On their way out of town. They also snatched a young boy named Basilios to sell him to their king as a slave. Make him that money. Yeah, I gotta make that bag.
Speaker 1:Look at that boy. Look at that boy. I'm saying I'll make that bag. He could, he could, he could bring wine to the king. Yeah, you could. Yeah, we could make some good money here, boys, he doesn't even speak the king's language.
Speaker 2:You know that's safety. So the king selected Basilios to be his personal cup bearer because, of course, he did not know their language, which kept the king safe, since Basilios would not understand what the king said to those around him. For an entire year, Basilios found himself serving the king filling his golden cup with wine. Meanwhile, back in Mira, Basilios' parents were living through a nightmare their only child was gone, and the days passed by slow and heavy with grief. As the next St Nicholas feast day approached, Basilios' mom couldn't bear to join the celebrations, For her feast day was clouded in grief, but after some time she agreed to have a quiet observance at home, where she prayed for Basilios' safe return Back at the king's palace. Basilios is suddenly whisked away. St Nicholas himself appeared to the startled young boy, giving him a blessing, and just like that, Basilios found himself back in Mira holding the king's golden cup.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, there's another story where three students were on their way back, like they were on their way to study in Athens, right, and they were robbed and then they were murdered, and then they were stored in large Pickling tubs by an innkeeper who was gonna serve them up as pork to like unsuspecting guests nice, nice.
Speaker 1:There's a couple variations of this. We're like the butcher actually killed them or the innkeeper killed them like depends on where you're at in Europe but they were gonna be served up as meat for sandwiches and shit. Nicholas stopped at the inn and dreamt of the crime. He woke up, he prayed to God and the three boys brought back to life.
Speaker 2:Nice, yeah, I mean easy peasy, lemon squeezy. It's just that simple, yeah all you gotta do that easy, guys if you ever lose a loved one, all you have to do is just pray to God and they'll come right back. It's, it's tried and true. St Nick did it. What? That's just. What's so funny. What's so funny, is that not true? No, st Nick did it. It's in the script.
Speaker 1:It's in the script, so it's gotta be fact. The script is law Down. Yeah, must be real.
Speaker 2:I shot on the internet, so where I get my news.
Speaker 1:Now, on December 6th, has commonly except a death day. It was traditionally considered a lucky day to make large purchases or to get married, and by the Renaissance, st Nicholas was the most popular saint in Europe. His popularity survived the Protestant Reformation, when the worship of saints began to be discouraged, and his positive reputation has grown ever since. Yes yes, yes.
Speaker 2:So let's yeah let's go ahead and move on to Santa.
Speaker 1:Claus get into sanny claws.
Speaker 2:Yeah this whole Tom Fulery start and why we decide to move it 20 days in the future. You know, christians, that I Cuz Jesus because Jesus, yes, obviously, yeah, yeah, I think honestly. You know the real story of why Jesus was born out of. You know she was a virgin. Well, st Nick showed up. He fucked the Virgin Mary because, because he was a saint, it didn't count right. So he delivered Jesus to us oh.
Speaker 2:And that's why he delivers us gifts, yeah yeah, it all started with a, with a baby Jesus out of the Virgin Mary. And you know what?
Speaker 1:maybe the three orange balls. Maybe he just had three balls and those were the three wise men.
Speaker 2:Oh, it all comes. It all comes first, full circle. Everything but Mary, because she was a virgin she doesn't come at all.
Speaker 1:She doesn't come at all, not once not once.
Speaker 2:That was jam-packed with puns.
Speaker 1:I'm so happy that you let me run with that. That's great, that's fun. Thanks, eggs.
Speaker 2:Anyway, moving on to Santa Claus, so the Dutch influence on the evolution of St Nicholas into the cherished figure of Santa Claus is a fascinating journey embedded in cultural exchange and creative adaptation. Dutch immigrants arriving in America brought the Sinterklaas tradition with them, which was a character inspired by St Nicholas but embellished with distinctive Dutch nuances. So pictures Sinterklaas, a tall, slender figure, don't in a red bishops road, boasting a flowing beard. This Dutch persona seamlessly blended with local customs and it laid the groundwork for the transformation of the Americanized Santa Claus.
Speaker 1:Basically just a big Macy's ad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's like he's skinny he is, yeah, he's like ripped, not fat.
Speaker 1:Yet you know what, though? We've been seeing a lot of skinny Santa Claus statues around.
Speaker 2:We have I don't know what it is- about this year in Atlanta, but there's no fat Santa's. It's so weird. We went to the mall the other day, santa Claus, skinny. We were walking down the street the other day. We see a little freaking statue of Santa Claus outside, skinny, it's so weird.
Speaker 1:They're everywhere. My brain back chubby Santa. Yeah, what happened to fat Santa? Yeah, he's eating cookies. Since when do you fat shame Santa Claus? Yeah, I'm like. First of all, this is misinformation, because all's what he eats milk and cookies.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what happens when Santa comes upon your roof, looks down and sees a? She's a statue of him. Yeah, and it's 70 pounds lighter than he is, not 70. Sorry, 200 pounds lighter. Yeah, then he is. You think he's gonna be a little pissed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, who's that? Oh, they think I'm skinny. What is this? I worked up all this fat so that I can stay warm while I slay around. It's blubber guys.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's, it's survival. Okay, you're making fun of a man for surviving. He lives in the north pole. I know who's getting cold this Christmas.
Speaker 1:All the people who think Santa's skinny yeah. Yeah, does that mean that the Dutch are also gonna be, since they did this.
Speaker 2:Well, no, no, he might have been skinny back then yeah, I guess he's had some time. Yeah, yeah, I could have put on the weight, yeah that's okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we'll go with that.
Speaker 2:All right, but it's definitely like.
Speaker 1:It takes more than a year to lose that weight, ladies.
Speaker 2:It does so like be nice.
Speaker 1:Jesus Christ, baby Jesus.
Speaker 2:Christ, so the late 18th what?
Speaker 1:do you have something to say? I was gonna go full Ricky Bobby there.
Speaker 2:All right, classic. I feel so bad for the people who listen to our podcast. For the history, we still love you. So the late 18th century witnessed st Nicholas making his mark on American popular culture, meaning that he was commercialized. In December of 1773 and 1774, a New York newspaper reported Dutch families gathering to honor st Nicholas's death fast forward to 1804 and John Pintard, a member of the New York Historical Society, distributed woodcuts of st Nicholas incorporating now familiar santa imagery, such as the stockings over the fireplace, christmas trees, etc. Washington Irving Pintard's brother-in-law, further fueled the center class stories in his book the history of new york.
Speaker 2:Yeah, referring to st Nicholas is the patron saint of new york city in 1809. I just love that. It's Further fueled the center class stories in the history of new york. Yeah, sorry, I got to say it like a Yankee. The history of new york, that's how it was sold. I, santa Claus.
Speaker 1:Santa Claus is here.
Speaker 2:Santa Claus is now Santa Claus. Santa Claus, ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1:Um the 1820s. It marked the beginning of Christmas shopping advertisements, of course, and by the 1840s, newspapers had dedicated sections for holiday ads featuring the emerging image of Santa Claus. And it was only a matter of time before stores capitalized on the chance to track families with the allure of meeting a live Santa Claus wait.
Speaker 2:What do you mean the allure? What do you mean like getting family to bring their kids.
Speaker 1:He's not, because the point of it is he's not real.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, that's not really santa In the mall, it's not.
Speaker 1:Ian Jesus christ.
Speaker 2:You better, be like you better like elf.
Speaker 1:When he goes in he's like you sit on the front of lies.
Speaker 2:You better hope that there's no parents listening with their children in the car. I think that ship has sailed, though We've said fuck at least 30 times, I would assume.
Speaker 1:So we talked about fucking the virgin virgin Mary. And yeah, well, I mean, santa is real, you know. So now, in 1822, clement Clark Moore crafted the iconic poem twas, the night before Christmas, popularizing the image of santa flying in a sleigh led by eight reindeer. Dasher, dancer, prancer, fixin, comet, cupid, donner and blitzen.
Speaker 2:Let's put that to a hip hop beat.
Speaker 1:Poo Dancer. What is this? An entire verse is the name? Yeah, it's just the name. It's all I got, bro. It's all I got.
Speaker 2:You're welcome, all right whatever, I just said it like you did it the first time and it was fire.
Speaker 1:I did fine trash. I don't know what you're talking about. Get off the stage. Hey, now this immediately elevated santa claws to the american icon status. In 1881, political cartoonist thomas nast Illustrated moors poem creating the modern image of santa as a cheerful, plump man In a bright red suit, surrounded by elves and mrs Claus in his north pole workshop.
Speaker 2:Very nice, very nice.
Speaker 1:Do you remember the north pole in color?
Speaker 2:Yeah, color spring yeah.
Speaker 1:I just got an advertisement for that. Like they're, they're advertising now. Yeah, probably a good thing.
Speaker 2:I. There was a few years where they were kind of going downhill, I think yeah, that's true, but it looks like it's popping off dog. Hey, that's what's up. Man, yeah, hey, you know. Speaking of thomas nast, I wonder if he ever made any nasty illustrations, because he's a political cartoonist, you know, thomas nast.
Speaker 1:I give you that's good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah probably make quite a few. So the early 19. Sorry, that joke was just so sick, I got it.
Speaker 2:You could put it there. The early 1890s saw the salvation army adopting santa claus suits to fundraise for christmas meals, a tradition continuing with salvation army santa's ringing bells on american street corners and in front of every walmart ever In the us. In the us, santa, now accompanied by nine reindeer Including the famous rudolf, is depicted flying from house to house on christmas eve. Santa's visits involves Sorry, santa's visit involves entering through the chibney, filling stockings with toys and candy canes, reading letters from children and enjoying milk and cookies left out for them. Santa's naughty and nice list remains a central part of this festive narrative.
Speaker 1:Where's the fucking oranges, santa? Where's god damn oranges. Well, well, uh, yeah, yeah. And where's the walnuts?
Speaker 2:Also still to this day. I'm the only person I've ever met that gets walnuts in their stocking too.
Speaker 1:Really, I've met a few people that get walnuts.
Speaker 2:Have you Well don't just say no before you say that. That makes me feel like I'm crazy you are crazy. I have not met a single human that I've had a conversation with about stockings. So out of the seven people that I've met that I've had this conversation, none of them knew what the fuck I was talking about. Huh, which is weird, because the nutcracker is like a big. It's like a big Christmas thing, it's a big thing. Rudolph, born over a century after the original eight reindeer. Those are some old motherfuckers.
Speaker 2:He became a Christmas sensation thanks to Robert L May's story in 1939. Rudolph's bright red nose saved Christmas during a foggy Christmas Eve and the story became an instant hit. Leave it to Americans to make millions off of other cultural myths and legends.
Speaker 1:It's our large sex port entertainment. Yeah, it's what we do the best.
Speaker 2:That is what we do the best. We distract everyone.
Speaker 1:I wasn't, you know, I wasn't, oh, oh, that clicked a second after I started talking.
Speaker 2:That's true Now. Ward actually sold millions of copies of the story. And then Johnny Marx's 1949 song based on Rudolph's history, recorded by Gene Autry, became a best seller. Rudolph the red nose reindeer had a very shiny car nose. He had a car nose. That's crazy, yes, crazy thing. We probably had a red rocket too, you know. So the as all animals do. The iconic Christmas television movie Rudolph the red nose reindeer, narrated by Burl Ives in 1964, continues to hold a special place in the hearts of people, solidifying Rudolph status as a Christmas icon to this day.
Speaker 1:Poor one out for Rudolph. Ladies and gentlemen, Rudolph, Honestly, that movie. Rudolph the red nose reindeer, it's the claymation one. It's a banger, bro. It's so good.
Speaker 2:It's a banger. It's a banger With Cornelius, bro. Cornelius is the best part.
Speaker 1:Cornelius, and then he becomes friends with the imbalminal snowman. He's the dentist. He's like scare the dentist, and then the elf becomes the dentist and he has like the chip. So many side stories, oh man, I love that line.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a great, great story. The abominable snowman to this day still kind of scares me.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's the scariest thing ever.
Speaker 2:Because I think it just ties back to that childhood trauma of like seeing him for the first time and being like holy shit, that's fucking terrifying. Yeah, dude, he's fucking scary and it turned out he had a bad tooth. He did, and that's all that had to happen. Was the dentist just?
Speaker 1:had to fix his tooth, yeah. And then he got a little bit of a rebellion happy, and then he put the star on top of the Christmas tree.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, I hope other people understand, because that's a good movie.
Speaker 1:That's a good movie. That's a good nostalgia trip.
Speaker 2:That's deserving, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the island of misfit toys and everything, oh man, classic. So, and now? What do you talk about, like? What's Santee Claus is all about around the world?
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, because it's not just about America.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was like, as I was reading through historycom of the article with Santee Claus, and they started talking about the like what other people? And I'm like, oh yeah, I forgot about like all of these different like narrations of him.
Speaker 2:So in the 18th century America.
Speaker 1:Santa Claus was not the only St Nicholas inspired gift bringer. During Christmas, across the globe, various figures and traditions emerge. So Christ kind or Chris Chris Kingel Kringle, oh my God, chris Kringle, there we go. So Christ kind or Chris Kringle, known as the Christ child, which is kind of odd, was believed to bring presents to well behaved Swiss and German children, often accompanied by St Nicholas on his festive missions. In Scandinavia, the cheerful elf Jol Tomton, I believe, is how it's pronounced was thought to distribute gifts in a sleigh that was drawn by. That was drawn by goats this time.
Speaker 2:So he was the God of all traits. Yeah, yeah Goats. He was the goat. Just a bunch of M&Ms, just a bunch of M&Ms, that's it. Just evidence, just evidence. Just draw in the sleigh, every single one of them, just like that's what actually powers them.
Speaker 2:It's just the energy made by his jawline. That's great. Now, according to English legend, Father Christmas would visit each home on Christmas Eve to fill children's stockings with delightful holiday treats. In France, Peret Noël took on the responsibility of filling the shoes of French children. Russian folklore tells of an elderly woman named Babushka who, feeling remorseful for giving the wise men wrong directions to Bethlehem, now visits Russian children on January 5th, leaving gifts at their bedside in the hopes that one of them is the baby Jesus and she might be forgiven. It's kind of a okay, yeah, she's putting her work in. Yeah, you know what I think? By now you're forgiven lady.
Speaker 1:But she can only be forgiven by Jesus because she tried to mislead the wise men so that they couldn't be there for the birth of Jesus.
Speaker 2:Not to worry, lady, she's not going to be coming back any time now. Now in Italy, a parallel narrative involves Le Befana, a kindly witch who rides a broomstick down chimneys to deliver toys into the stockings of fortunate children.
Speaker 1:God, could you imagine that, Just taking a broomstick and going whew? There's nothing quiet about Le Befana no.
Speaker 2:She stomps in that bit. Well, she rides in that bitch. So meanwhile, in Spain, the gift-giving duty falls on the three kings themselves, who deliver presents on Epiphany, January 6th. Now, Ian, this is-. This gets to the fun shit. I'm so fucking excited.
Speaker 1:This gets to the fun shit.
Speaker 2:Are you ready? So fucking excited those of you who have waited 42 minutes and made it this far. You're in for a fucking treat.
Speaker 1:Now, as the cheerful legend of Santa Claus spread far and wide, another character emerged from the shadows to counterbalance the festivities.
Speaker 2:Instead of ho, ho, ho, he goes, hehehehe.
Speaker 1:Because for every hero there must be a villain. Yes, for Luke Skywalker there is Darth Vader, for Rocky Balboa there is Ivan Drago, and for Batman there is the Joker. Their stories would not be so epic or memorable without their dark and evil antagonist. For our cheerful Christmas icon, santa Claus, there is a dark, more sinister, evil creature. Evil Named Krampus, a mythical figure deeply rooted in European folklore and traditions, embodying the darker aspects of the holiday season. Yeah, now, krampus is a mangled, deranged faced, half goat, half demon with giant horns, razor, sharp teeth with a long, gnarly pointed tongue and a fur-covered body that walks on one foot and one hoof that wraps chains around himself, symbolizing the binding of the devil who comes one night before the traditional St Nicholas Day on December 5th, known as Krampus-rocked.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1:Or.
Speaker 2:Krampus-snot. Yes, those of you who were wondering.
Speaker 1:Or otherwise known as Krampus-night, to either beat those who have misbehaved with branches and sticks, torture them in the night, eat them or even drag them away in a sack to his lair in hell.
Speaker 2:You know, I would much rather be beaten with a branch or a stick than eaten, so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't, you know, I don't know it could be quick, a quick eating. Yeah, you know, just like off at the head first, just like just bite and get that shit out of it.
Speaker 2:You really think he's taken off the head first. This seems like a man who enjoys it.
Speaker 1:He does, he does and honestly, the movie Krampus, like they all end up in the snow globe at the end or whatever.
Speaker 2:I haven't actually seen Krampus, fuck. So yeah, we don't need to talk about the ending or give away the spoilers for anybody.
Speaker 1:It's so good it's got. I don't even know who's in it, but anyways, it's good, it's good.
Speaker 2:It is a good one.
Speaker 1:They come out and they're like all terrorizing and they kill the whole fucking family.
Speaker 2:Adam Scott, You're just continuing with the, with the hopefully all of you guys have seen.
Speaker 1:Krampus on. Like me, it came out like four or five years ago, bro. It's too like if you haven't seen it by now that sucks.
Speaker 2:I don't know, man. All I know is that Krampus gives a whole new meaning to that naughty list.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he does, he does, he does Very scary.
Speaker 2:Now you might be asking yourselves why would such a demonic figure exist in the midst of such a joyful time of year? The answer is simple. I mean, if you didn't think of this already, what are you doing? Santa is in on it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, santa is in on murdering children.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it's good for his economy, fucking metal dude. Yeah, yeah. See, it's almost like a good old domestic abuse relationship when you boil it down right. Santa has this very positive reputation to uphold. Well, krampus does not hate Christmas itself, he hates the ones without Christmas spirit. And what did we all learn while watching the Will Ferrell movie Elf? Well, santa can't do a goddamn thing without the Christmas spirit, not a goddamn thing so.
Speaker 2:Krampus comes on December 5th, the day before the more traditional celebration of St Nicholas, and causes terror and mischief to all the assholes, the kids and adults alike, while Santa comes in soon after bearing gifts and treats to keep up his almighty hero of Christmas reputation. It's really that simple, Good cop back up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's all it is.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Naturally, the next question you might be asking is well, how long has this obviously real character been around?
Speaker 2:Obviously real. Emphasis Obviously yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, krampus was thought to have been part of a pre-German pagan ritual for the winter solstice and, according to legend, he is the son of. Is this hell heel?
Speaker 2:I think it's el El, because it's a Norse god. Usually the ages are pretty silent. Ah, okay, so el I just said that out of my ass. Dude, you believed me, h-e-l.
Speaker 1:You sounded confident. Just believe anything you hear. You were a god. Now he was the Norse god of the underworld, so he's been around, and then, after St Nicholas's death, he was latched on to the Christmas season with the spread of Christianity, and the Catholic Church even tried to ban him due to his resemblance to the devil.
Speaker 2:Ah, yeah, yeah, that tracks. Christian church will absolutely ban anything that's got to do with Satan.
Speaker 1:Now doing a deep dive in a Krampus is, like actually quite a bit of a shallow dive, because if you read one article, you've literally read them all, and so this obviously I don't have time to read books.
Speaker 2:They made a whole movie about him, Cooper. They did make the have you seen the movie we already have? Have you seen the movie Everything we talked about? And then they end up in the snow globe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he didn't wait to spoil the movie.
Speaker 2:Oh, so sorry.
Speaker 1:So there's really just like about five minutes worth of research to be done and if you search Krampus, there will literally be hundreds of articles where they mostly dive into just random historical events where something might have been mentioned about Krampus, and then go into elaborate detail describing origins of names. And they always bring up the modern day celebration of Krampuslof, which is Krampus Run, where people dress up like Krampus on December 5th and they drink copious amounts of alcohol and chase women around and children and sometimes beating them with sticks, but only in the legs, ah, yeah, Well, only in the legs. This is this, is they talk about this? So people like they'll fucking dress up and then they chase people and beat the shit out of them.
Speaker 2:They just get hammered. Leave it. Leave it to humans. Yeah, no, we'll think of anything if it's an excuse to drink. If it's an excuse to drink, we have it.
Speaker 1:It's super funny. I was reading about like what the fuck? I just wanted to know, like the creeps you know, like ask folklore and like who died maybe because of this? Like, was there, like you know, some sort of like crusade of Krampus? But no, it's just they always go into the modern day Krampus run and then people just get in shit house and fucking beat each other with sticks, naturally. So, since this specific topic is not as vivid as one would hope, we have decided to give you guys one of the traditional Krampa stories from Austria. And then, for some fun, we did some creepypastas that I found on the internet about our favorite little Christmas devil, yeah. And so, for those of you who are not aware of what a creepypasta is, they are essentially the campfire stories of the internet.
Speaker 2:So sit back, relax with your favorite glass of wine, whiskey, rum, beer, hot cocoa, heroin, whatever you'd whatever is your eggnog?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, either heroin or eggnog. Hennessy, yeah, hennessy too, give me that Henny son yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, crack Whichever one you want. Heroin I did say heroin twice. Ah yeah, we got the basis cover.
Speaker 1:Did you just miss me saying heroin twice? I did, I missed you, I said it two times.
Speaker 2:God do you hate me Kind of Okay, cool, no, I just needed to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, am I on a fucking?
Speaker 1:court. Don't forget the mushrooms. The Quintus podcast, just kidding, just kidding.
Speaker 2:Kyra quit the band, so I think we should. Scotty doesn't know. Anyway, two different references.
Speaker 1:I went to Nacious D and you go Euro trip. Yeah, basically the same movie Deactivated laser. What With my dick? All right.
Speaker 2:Sorry guys. So this is the Austria story, right? This is Krampus and the naughty children.
Speaker 1:Now, once upon a time, in a quaint village nestled in the snow covered mountains of Austria, the air was filled with festive cheer as Saint Nicholas prepared for his annual visit. The children eagerly anticipated the arrival of gifts and treats, hoping to be on the nice list. However, hidden in the shadows lurked Krampus, the fearsome companion of Saint Nicholas. As the night fell on December 5th, the day of Krampus schnucked, a sense of unease descended upon the village. The children, unaware of the darker side of the holiday, continued to play mischief On that fateful night. As the clock struck midnight, a chilling wind swept through the village, announcing the arrival of Krampus. His cloven hoof clacked across the cobblestone streets as he slinked from house to house.
Speaker 2:It's just one. It's just one hoof, so it's just.
Speaker 1:Chains rattling with an eerie sound. Krampus, with his twisted horns and menacing grin, approached the homes of the mischievous children. The misbehaving youngsters, tucked snugly in their beds, were unaware of the impending visitation. Suddenly, the night air was filled with a spine-chilling howl as Krampus entered their dreams. In each home, krampus confronted the naughty children. He brandished this bundle of birch sticks ready to administer his punishment. With a swift swat, he admonished those who had lied, stolen or shown disobedience. The sound of his sticks echoed through the village, serving as a dark reminder of the consequences of wayward behavior.
Speaker 1:The most mischievous children were swept away in Krampus's sack, destined for a fate dealt in hell. As the night dwindled, krampus disappeared into the wintery darkness, leaving behind a village now hushed in the aftermath of his visit. The next morning, the children awoke to find their homes untouched, but a sense of trepidation lingered. The story of Krampus and his visits spread throughout the village, becoming a cautionary tale told to misbehaving children for generations to come From that day forward. The threat of Krampus served as a reminder that, alongside the joy of the holiday season, there existed a darker side that demanded respect for the values of kindness and obedience. And so, in the heart of the Austrian mountains. The legend of Krampus endured forever, blending the festive with the cautionary.
Speaker 2:So basically he showed up, gave some kids nightmares.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that's a scary fucking nightmare. He was getting dragged out of your bed in a sack by some demonic creature with one hoof and a foot and chains wrapped around him, raised his sharp teeth and one gnarly ass sharp tongue.
Speaker 2:One person's nightmare, another person's kink.
Speaker 1:Kinkcom is really missing the bar. That's what I was saying.
Speaker 2:where's my Krampus porn when I need it it is the season motherfuckers porn up, get on it. Brassers. So this is actually a creepypasta poem written by what J Spezial. Yeah.
Speaker 1:J Spezial. Okay, and I actually got permission to share this from J Spezial, did you? I did?
Speaker 2:Oh, that's actually kind of fucking sick.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so shout out to J Period S-P-E-Z-I-A-L-E.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Y'all want to go look them up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, absolutely, that's really cool. I didn't know that. Yeah, Shout out to you.
Speaker 1:So this is. There's like three little poems within this, three segments of this.
Speaker 2:Insert narrator Ian Never, ever sad. But he had a secret that only he knew. This man loved to strangle children. He turned them cold and blue. The town folk never found them, for he was very smart. Frederick took their corpses and pulled them all apart. It couldn't be young Frederick. Everyone would say he is a man of God. We always see him pray. The cold night came and Frederick rested his head, but soon he heard a scratching underneath his bed. Frederick trembled as he looked, oil lamp in hand, on his bedroom floor. The demon had a plan Away with you, beast. The night is dark and long. You have no business here, for I have done no wrong. Krampus only laughed as he shook his rusty chain. He hung Frederick by the neck Until he writhed in pain, the links constricted, digging into skin. Frederick then cried out, paying for his sin. He begged and pleaded until his final breath. With a beautiful snap, frederick bled to death. Krampus hung him out to dry and all the town folk began to cry, but not the children.
Speaker 2:For now their souls were free and under Frederick's body the phantoms danced with glee. Oh.
Speaker 1:I like that one. That's a good one. I like that.
Speaker 2:Snapped his neck, but then he bled to death. That's like a forceful snap.
Speaker 1:It's a very forceful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very, very forceful, it's like the skin snap. Yeah, that is a hard 90 degree snap. Yeah, it's like an Indian rug burn on you know, but like I just scared to do Indian rug burns because I'm scared like I'm gonna rip their skin. You know You're a very strong man you should probably not be giving you know, mom used to fucking have people like bet that they, like she, would not give in unlike an Indian rug burn.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cuz mom is a freak of nature, it's insane. I'm like that's just her pain tolerance is crazy.
Speaker 2:She's the person who will eat the hottest pepper on the island and and be like well, what do you mean? I thought that was a bell pepper, yeah that was fine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all right. So here's another one. This is poem number two. Greta loved herself More than she could bear. She never had enough and could never, ever share. One was never more. It was only need. Her envy grew and grew and with it came her greed. Greta needed more, but money wasn't flush, so she stole from her family. It gave her quite the rush. It is not enough to herself, she would say. I must have it all, there is no other way. Into her grandparents home, greta crept inside. They had many treasures, jewelry and gemstones, pied. But when she looked about, well, she did not find only ancient Krampus with something on his mind. Greta shrieked and trembled staring at his claws. She knew there would be no mercy from this evil. Santa Claus, you shall have the riches, krampus said with a grin, and he gave them to her after peeling off her skin.
Speaker 1:Gnarly brown, super gnarly. All right, last one.
Speaker 2:What a vain woman.
Speaker 1:Last, last, last poem.
Speaker 2:Yeah, last poem. And then we got another story. Herman was a doctor, for that's what he would say, and every single patient they would have to pay. That's sorry, the simple, the syllables line up there first.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean restart that.
Speaker 2:Okay, gotta do Jay right, he's a poet.
Speaker 1:You know you gotta do Jay, right, yeah.
Speaker 2:Herman was a doctor. For that's what he would say, and every single patient they would have to pay. He cut and pulled and burned, and after he was done, for more he always yearned. The surgeon was a butcher who had a taste for swine. With their bleeding flesh he'd pair a fine red wine. The hunger took him body, mind and soul. Yet this evil, it never took its toll.
Speaker 2:Herman was alone in his chair. He sat. All this human meat had made him very fat. He drifted off to slumber and began to snore until an angry Krampus burst through the door. Herman could not move. He wet himself in fright. Krampus licked his lips and let out a squeal of delight. First he gouged out his eyes and Herman could not see. Then Krampus fillied his tongue. It was tender as could be. Christmas is joyous, full of love and cheer, but you must remember the one that we all fear. So be kind to one another, show love and heed this text. Krampus will find you and you will certainly be next. Great, great it. Herman was eating people like you. Herman was a cannibal.
Speaker 1:Okay, herman deserved he deserved to go to Herman like he deserved, like getting his tongue fillet. I don't think a thousand percent.
Speaker 2:I don't think Greta really deserved it. I mean, she stole some stuff, sure, but like to get skinned alive, that's like worse than I for an eye, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, frederick kind of deserved it. He was a child killer, right? Yeah yeah, frederick deserved it. Greta, though?
Speaker 1:Mmm, kind of an overreaction on Krampus's part now this this next one is a One that I found by mr Demon to you, and that's demon DEMON To was in the number and then you as a letter.
Speaker 1:I'm like so honestly, I've always loved a good Christmas, but Now that's not possible because of it. I'm sorry, I gotta gotta hit it myself. Let me start at the beginning. Last Christmas Eve, my son and I were watching a Christmas story and it got to be relatively late, so I sent him off to bed, knowing I still had some final gifts to wrap up.
Speaker 1:A couple hours after I got done sitting up all the presents under the tree, I went to bed, but I couldn't help but feel as if there was a presence watching me. I just felt like there was something in my house and, of course, being curious and scared, I looked all around to see if anyone was hiding and, as I figured, there was no one. So after all of that, I went to bed and put off the feeling that someone was watching me, figuring it was just my imagination. Then, in the middle of the night, I woke up to a noise. It was a noise of chains shaking and dragging on the hardwood floor. Coming out of my sleep, I couldn't think what those sounds might be. Suddenly I heard in this deep, demonic voice coming from the living room I do not, you had all the chance to be good, but you didn't take them now.
Speaker 1:Did you?
Speaker 2:No, no, please don't hurt me.
Speaker 1:I could hear my son pleading to whatever that thing was and in a frightened panic I threw my covers up and I ran out of my bedroom and I ran towards the living room where I heard my son's quick, frightening screams. I was in such a panic I couldn't find my voice to yell for my son. I was just crazy out of my mind. Before I reached the living room, I heard two loud snaps, followed by a small popping sound. When I reached the living room, I stopped in horror and disbelief.
Speaker 1:I saw a tall, goat-like creature wearing an old, dirty cloak, wrapped in chains. He was standing on what looked like a hoof and a human foot in a puddle of something dark and thick. The creature was holding the mutilated corpse of my son by his two now broken arms. Blood was steadily pouring and spouting from where my son's head had once been, his bones were protruding through the skin of his arms and the air filled with the smell of iron, and I almost threw up right then. And there the creature turned to me and smiled, revealing flesh in his razor sharp teeth.
Speaker 1:This beast then turned back to my son's headless corpse and stared at it as if it was admiring its work, struck with what I felt like a hammer to my chest, to begin to weep as I prayed. This was a dream, but the pain was too real. And this was no dream. My son was dead. I felt to my knees and looked upon the demon and asked why? Because Krampus doesn't like naughty children. And out of the corner of my eye I saw some Christmas presents with the wrapping paper torn ever so slightly. Krampus had caught my son peeking into the Christmas gifts and that's it All.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah no, that's a banger.
Speaker 1:Wow, that was fucked up.
Speaker 2:Your discretion is advised. We could have said before that, but feel like there were some triggers in there you could have talked to get a blue ribbon for.
Speaker 1:But yeah, tell the kids out there don't fuck about it, otherwise Krampus is gonna come snap your arms and eat your head. What a dick. Or skin you alive, or Terrify your nightmares and treat you like Jeepers, creepers, or it'll beat you with a sticker.
Speaker 2:Creepers I meant fucking Freddy Damn it, it'll beat you with a stick be true, with a stick with a birch stick, birch sticks, a bunch of sticks, alright.
Speaker 1:Well, ladies and gentlemen, just Notating, we're also gonna be gone in January, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So Cooper's gonna be gone. I'll be here, but I won't be doing the podcast that is true.
Speaker 1:That is true. But yeah, we're gonna try and get next week's episode out. I'm working on it now, but we are taking off out of town and it's gonna be a little difficult.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, we have a lot of fucking shit going on. You know what, dude? Hold on, hold on. We're getting all apologizing, we're getting all sincere apologies. No, no, no, no, no, no. We have given you people 31 weeks in a row of Podcast. We deserve a break. Yeah that's what it boils down to, a break.
Speaker 1:Just I'm gonna go to Ireland. Yes, and I see my girlfriend, I'm gonna try the whole remote thing before with the previous podcast. It just doesn't work, man, it's not as good. It's not as good.
Speaker 2:So we wouldn't give you guys quality material, and in order for that to happen, y'all are just gonna have to fucking wait. But you know what, when we come back, oh, yeah, so thank you so much, ian.
Speaker 1:Do you have anything for the kids?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna eat all of your heads Because I'm crap is no, I'm just kidding. If you've made it this far in the podcast with all of our Tom Fulery, we do appreciate it. Seriously. It means the world to us, of course. Again, if you've made it this far, you are a fucking champion, my friend, and I mean that with all of my boners. So, thank you so much for listening and, cooper, take it away.
Speaker 1:Stay beautiful bitches cuz. We fucking love you.
