The Inimitable Mike Sweeney

Renowned Conan head writer, comic, former mailman and tall glass of water, Mike Sweeney, joins Laura and Daniel to discuss the behind-the-scenes trajectory of the Conan show, open swimming, Keith Haring, and on stage out-of-body experiences.

Inside Conan Podcast

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WWTWH YouTube Channel

Laura Kightlinger
Twitter: @KingKightlinger
Insta: @laurakightlingerlives
Web: laurakightlinger.com

Daniel Webb
Twitter: @thedanielwebb
Insta: @the_danielwebb
Web: thedanielwebb.com

Transcript

0:09

i Yay! We're here with Mike McSweeney. I can talk, right? Yeah, I listened it. I'd rather just sit here. What would you like us to say about you? You got it. Can you do 15? I'm a neighbor outside. Said someone else got lost up here. Uh huh. So you called me to do this podcast? Yeah. Whoever gets lost, everyone gets lost. Yeah. Noon. And you swam in the ocean today? I did. I swam. I swim every Friday at 630. I'm unbelievable. That means you have to go to bed early, right? Sure. Yes. Free ocean. What did you call it for? Free ocean. Oh, an actual. That was just open water. Yeah. they started doing a year ago because my wife suggested it as a way to get me out of the house. And it were. Oh, yeah. Uh huh. And it's all these triathletes swim. It's just I found this really nice when they put Louise out there, and I was terrified to swim with them the first time. Wow. Turns out triathletes, usually their worst sport of the three is swimming. think so. Well, now it's called up. Still amazing swimmers. Yeah, But if it's called open swimming, could I just. Oh. Oh. Oh, okay. I can say. Can I just go jump into the neighbor's pool? Cause I don't know them, but I could still say I'm open. To a river or an ocean. Yes. Okay. Okay. Oh, I beg your pardon. It's a triathlon. It's run by and then swim. No, It's like they don't want you to do the sport. They start with swimming. Oh, so then you're so tired because that's the most grueling, right? Sopping wet and you're in a sweat bathing suit. And then they make you jump on a bike. Yeah. And then run Dick blisters and. Uh, dick blisters. It's happened by later. No, I feel like. So you get those from biking? They don't. Yeah, they don't want swimmers. They don't want people getting super tired and jumping in the water. Everybody would drown, I guess. Uh, which is the real way to win. Yeah, right. Well, I waited till I was really old to swim. So then if I do a race, there's only like three or four other people. My chance to do well at my age. I'm 41. I start running like last year. Okay. Which is a horrible decision, because now she's this mean really hurts. And then I can't. Do this. Right? Me All right, then I try to adjust my like, muscle mind connection to my thigh muscle, which just made my hip hurt. I feel like I should just be just. Made by my. Head. I know. I. I know. Do we have to? Can we just be on the phone with our parents and hear about X? I'm saying let's do this fucking podcast. No, I mean, like, because they're elderly, I. Have an emergency on the road. That's one thing. But if you have like a cramp in the ocean. I think people get those all the time. Oh, you just, uh, stop and pull on your toes. That's the thing. And straighten out your leg. Like a ballet dancer? Yeah. what do you think? My connection is to Michael Phelps, the amazing swimmer. In the bong? Hmm. I know. Now. That's sort of my. I wish. No, we have the same EIGRP index in there. Yeah, You know what that is? I know what that means is, doesn't he have insanely long hours? Yep, yep, yep. And I have that, too. How long are your arms? But, I mean, they're going. Okay. They're going through both walls. Look at. They're going through that wall. And now. Well, no. Okay. Okay, Da Vinci's, you know, the sketch of the Vesuvius man he was a proponent of this thing called your EIGRP index, meaning that you should be as tall as your wingspan is from middle finger to middle finger at the tips. And so his his EIGRP index. is three inches because his arms are three inches longer than his height and so's mine. I'm five, nine and my wingspan feet. But more. The real trick is you both have webbed feet, guys. All right, All right. I didn't say I was good at swimming. I didn't say that. I'm just saying that. Next question. Do you feel like. Oh, God damn it, I I. Yeah. Oh, yes. But I could have also. Rock climbing is good. That seems more like something I could do. Something on a rock. Yeah. Never. Yeah. Yeah. In the ocean. I don't know how to swim. That's right. Mm hmm. You never. But did you grow up near Lake? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Tarkwa. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Am I right? Yeah, But it was mostly cold. I learned how to ski. I didn't do a good job, but, yeah, I never have. Hmm. How often do you see porpoise? Uh, once in a while. They're out. They're huge right. Oh, well, combined. They're down there to see. How amazing. But. But everyone's like, Oh, what about sharks? And lately there's been, like, a lot of algae bloom. Yeah. And the fish shoot that algae, and then the seals. All the seals. I saw a few. Yeah. Yeah. And the algae bloom has made fish has made the seals go crazy. No, it's why. Oh, why. I wonder what's in it. I don't know. It makes them kooky. It's like doing a pot with tap water. Oh. Oh, I was going to say, I immediately went to. How do we get it and smoke it? The algae. Yeah, you can find that in California. Hmm. Oh, some seals here, huh? Oh, that's sad, though. I don't feel bad that. Weird with my nieces on the beach. And we saw the seal, and they're like, Get that dolphin? Like no girls at brown. And it's. There's no fin and it's a seal. You just get like, Oh, no, I like. I wish I ruin it softly. I'm a Goncalo, so it's really hard for them to not that I'm fine even when I'm lecturing, Right? You know what I mean? Mm. Uncle, everything you do is fine. Right. How old are. They? If I lived too little or. No, You know what I mean. They're six. And for some examples are more fun than regular uncles. Yeah. I was, Mike has been a postman. He's been a lawyer, He's been a standup writer, and he still does both. And he's been a husband and a dad. And I was going to say, which job did you like the most? And then you, in that situation, you kind of almost have to say, Dad. I hobsonville I knew you were a trial lawyer right before you started doing television work. Yeah, but let's talk about the postman thing. Was that like a paper out? What? It's why he doesn't have dogs in it. That's true. No, I was a mailman during college. Just my summer job. Uh huh. Like you took the civil service test? Yeah, And I had. I had to learn how to drive a jeep on case. The steering wheels on the left side. What's the. Rule? Oh, I didn't know. The right side. What's the culture? When someone's mailbox is two fold, you just jam shit in there? Oh, that's a good question. Yeah. What's your. What do you. Do? Yeah, I think you just jam it in. Okay. Because as the person who never knows their mailbox, that's an act of aggression. Every time I open my mailbox and there's. But now there's no mail. Now, I don't think this was a long time ago where your mail. You have from Internet, you get mail. You always get their junk mail. Oh, my God. I'm sick here as a reservist. And it's all about the mail. I don't give a shit how much they're overcharging me. I'm like, I don't want it in writing. Yeah. So it. Doesn't matter anymore. You know, I just never did anything important. Well, those coupons are fun to litter with. Yeah, that's true. No, every once in awhile, I get a check. Oh, right. Which is also that section. I know. I believe I received a check for $0.06 yesterday. McGarrett gets the mail. Mm hmm. Yeah. Let's. Tells me it was for Nick Swardson. I forgot what the Time show. That was the full title. Yeah, I forget what I know. Got everything. Is that which I thought I told him not to go with that.$0.06. Yeah. Striking. I'm on strike. And everybody's on. Strike. I'm in all three unions. Where do you go To picket? Yeah, go to the valley a lot. I go to Disney because you can do a giant loop. Uh huh. So you don't have to go back and forth. What famous people did you see Picketing. I haven't seen anyone really. I went yesterday to television sitting there and it was just writers. There were no legs sag. Yeah. Beautiful people. I one of the had a. There was no one in shape. So yeah. That's it was. A very small. Autograph book. Oh yeah. Yes. Okay. So wait for you start for a hundred million years ago, right? I did. I did. He was in fourth. Grade. And I said, This guy's got a future. Cause I remember when I came out, it was very different and new and not like what was already on television because those competition was it Tom Snyder who were all up against Fox? But I think it was Tom Snyder for a while. It just sounds funny that, well, he like famously will tell you know, back in these ancient times, which is 1993, he was just like Carson. Mhm. And Letterman was on after cars. Mhm. And I was I think kind of so. you know there's the big Jay Leno Letterman fights and then Jay Leno was taking over for Carson. So Letterman moved to CBS. Right, right, right. And so he was taking over for Letterman. And Letterman was just such a giant. Yes. Of late night comedy at that point that he wanted to make a show that was in no way anything like the Letterman show. So I think that's why you were saying It seemed like different. It was so different. That was very intentional. Right. So you wanted to make sure it wasn't funny. So that way, that way would could not be confused. Oh. I had a mission and mission. And that's why. I. Keep it on. Funny, you know, I'm so mean. And Benadryl. Oh. Let's see. Said no. I've you know, here's what I dreamt about. And I think this is really sad. I dreamt that I was looking all over hell for recent magazine so it could be topical on this show. I all you could find was. Like. Talking about 1990. 1993. No. No. When it came out. And I mean, it was funny. It it was incredible. Always funny and packed and stuff. You'll have segment on all the time, right? Tissues on SNL. Yeah. Tell me everything you know about her. Well, we did standup. Yeah, she's brilliant. I love her. Before I was. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How did you meet Laura? Well, we can. I have to, because I feel like Mike's going to, like, downplay this, but we were in a sex cult together, and it was only. Yeah, it was just the two of us. So we became good friends. You know, they'd meet us and go, We're interested in joining the cult. Mm. Oh, that's where you come in. Oh. You just. You really need that third person for it to be a pyramid scheme. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Or just. Yeah. Otherwise it just looks okay. But. But I think it was comic strip where we met. Yeah, probably. you? You're from New York? From Jersey? Yeah. But then. Oh, go ahead. You started standup first, were you? I well, I was as you mentioned, I was a lawyer, but I never wanted to be a lawyer, and I had a cooking mother, so I was like, kind of babysitting her. And then the second I was old enough to move into the city, which was I was already 26. But the second I'm the say, I started doing standup at night. So I was like doing trials during the day and then I'd go do open mics at night and then I got into a couple of clubs. Mhm. The second I got in a couple of clubs I quit and being a lawyer I had no money saved. Mhm. And then I that's as in standup in the late eighties and early nineties. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. Did you ever do Carey Hoffman's Club. Yeah. Just in, in New York. Right. Did did you ever do one of their theme shows as a lawyer. Yeah. No I did not. I didn't like. don't want anyone to know. My name. Or. Yeah. How can you use it again? I'll say. That. Um. Okay. What is it? Really fast food type thing where you write out and you have to give. You're. This is what I'm doing to the court. Like your little presentation is like 5 minutes of Oh, court, that thing. It's called. So I've a friend currently right in pandemic. She's a comedian. Okay. Out of No, not out of nowhere. But she went and got herself an $80,000 scholarship to law school and is becoming a lawyer. And she's talking about with how much of a leg up being a standup. I want to know when you're giving your what's the word? Yeah, it's called like oral argument. Right. So you're doing a practice oral argument. She's like, Daniel, these people don't even have it memorized. She's like, they're holding a piece of paper with their handshake, and I'm up there killing for 5 minutes. Oh, that's. Nice. The fucking run on this. And that's really. Sweet. So does she want to be a lawyer? Absolutely. Yeah. She's a very funny performer and writer, but she sued the shit out of landlords. I'm like. Oh, that's nice. In fucking Los Angeles, California. Oh, yeah, yeah. And all of other comedians. So we need to sue our landlord. Wow. Mhm. She has a built in clientele. Exactly. Which is. Ingenious. Well, yeah, I know. I used to. have jury trials and you have this, you know, captive audience and I'm was making them. Do. This. One judge in federal court called me up because I don't know what you're doing because if you make one more joke I'm going to know. What in contempt. Oh. So I'm just making jokes. I was joking through the whole thing. But then this other judge loved it. Oh, it was the last trial I did before I quit. And He called me up and at some conference because I don't think you're going to be a lawyer for much longer. Oh, no. That's it. I was like, Yeah, I'm So then after the trial's over, I said, Yeah, I'm actually quitting the bench that that jury came to see me do. Amazing. News handed out. Like, I don't know what happened, though. I don't know how they found. Out where I was and, I came to that club and they said. This jury of your peers. Oh, they said this jury was here to see you and way they were. And you didn't show up. Oh, no, I missed. That back in the day when you did a few sets at night every. Yeah. You should do like three clubs a night. Yeah. That's sweet though. I like that they were there. There. Oh. Well, good luck to her. Yeah, she's doing great, right? Just doing it backwards, but fine. I could be a homeowner faster. Yeah. for someone with the legal background, I feel like that can only kind of help you on, like, to know when you're getting ripped off. But does it like, as a Judge Judy viewer, are you just irate when you watch her? I you know, I can watch Judge. She's a genius. She's probably is a yeah, I watch that show. I don't watch comedy and I don't watch law. Shows for, you know, it's just like in the open ocean. That's what it's led to television. You guys have had lawyers. So I'm like, I hate when people would give me papers to sign. I don't read them. I'm just like, Yeah, whatever I read. Philosophically, I sort of want to become a notary public. There's a lady in my neighborhood who has since like. Right out of the paper. I want to just. This goes but this I think this also goes back to your You used to collect stamps. Your neighbor stole your stamp. I'm Yeah, You remember that? Yeah. Well, you know. Did you like that? Daniel What I do, Daniel and I really we were kind of getting to know each other on this podcast, and so I remember he said when he was a kid, he had a dinosaur stamp, and one of his few friends, he said at that time, stole it and said that. She bought it for you? Yes. She was jealous of you and, you. Know, all kinds of levels. But the stamp collection was just the beginning. And so she stopped. But she had she admitted she. Well, I went to her house to play with my science for years. And there it is just sitting right there. And it's like, excuse me, you're right. Like my first early attempts at like being a bitch and calling somebody or something, What are you doing? But I'm still trying to connect it to your dreams of being a notary. I need a thought. I need it. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah. It's so weird you said that I had. I used to collect fossils, and, uh, kids up the street, and I've had this great trilobite. Oh. Oh, one day disappear. Oh, man, I was devastated. Oh, I found it. a few months later on this other friends, like, in the back porch. Oh, and I was just. I suspected he took it as an. Inside job. But another prehistoric art. Ha ha ha. Yeah, that's. People were getting on Jurassic Park. Yes. They have to turn it into friendship. Did you confront your friend? Oh, it's going. Are you two together? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. They're text. Well, I knew. Daniel was funny because I had seen his stand up, but my husband Garrett was friends with Daniel And Ben and Myrna. Yeah. Yeah, they're mutual friends. And I thought, well, I can't, you know, I can't do a podcast like everybody else. And then I said, Yeah, now I want to, but I can't do it alone. And so so we became, we decided because most friendships out here are kind of utilitarian, like you become friends with you, you can be friends or marry a wardrobe person. Oh yeah. And they said, Well, maybe we should become friends over this podcast. Yeah. Oh, thank you. And it seems like you two are getting along. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I haven't gone. I haven't. I haven't gone to his place. I don't know. I still. I have so much crap. I don't know what Daniel's stolen from me. But I have gold wallpaper she's trying to shove on me, which I do want. Oh, God. Did you decide. You're always trying to give stuff away? I'm kind of. I'm slowly preparing either for the assisted living center or really. I think we're going to wind up living in Ireland, so I want to just get disbanded. And that's what you can do. Okay. Yeah. What is it When people start giving things away Like cats before they wander off into the woods today, they give away all their possessions? Oh, they do? No. But I had imagined that I might die under a house like a dog or a cat I play. There's a lot of. A. Lot of bodies. In the earthquake. Tons of opportunities. Worked in New York forever. When you get to play with You're getting this right back on track? I think. Isn't it good? Daniel, You're amazing. He keeps a thread going. Excited but to change topic. But I asked you, how. Did you move to Los Angeles? When I did, he moved out here to take over The Tonight Show. Yeah, for that. And I moved out for that in 2000. Uh, crazy thing where they're like, in four years, Conan's taking over the tonight. Oh, everybody knew that was not something that. Right. That was now there was a date and everybody had agreed. That's what I was kind of crazy. Yeah. Because to me, like, show biz is like the element of surprise in movie comes out that people aren't expecting. And then and so this was kind of love was like NBC turned into a bank. Taking over it. It seems like it good yeah. Yeah I feel like that had never been done. Before, but correct. That's what we were doing. Yes. And, uh, the nice thing was we had, uh, four years to look for a house. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So I moved out from college, so I worked with him. I started in 1995 by the late night and at Rockefeller Center. Uh, um. And then in 2008, we moved out here. I did the Tonight Show for seven months, then went on a national tour. Yes. And then we did the show at TBS. So we. How long was the run before the debacle at The Tonight Show? How long do y'all have it? It feels like before it. Before they dimension change, I. Change. Bank owners, the old bank owner. Now I'm confused. I know it's a crazy story and everybody's you. Start each. Player involved each process talked about it separately but not together. Now that time has passed. Right? Right. And I think it's usually broken down to Jay and Colin. Right. Those are the two people in. Sure. Measuring people totally lose the fact that an entire staff moved across the conference. Yes. Families, everybody has something to lose. Yes. Property out of that. I mean, not just your job. I think that part is totally lost and that is the. Discourse that people just talk about, the hopes. Who wanted that ego. Right. Which would totally part of it. Right. But that's an interesting like. CONAN move the whole ship. But that also proves that that CONAN is a good guy because he could have said, fuck it, I'll get a staff out in L.A. Right, Right. They took everybody with you or you're under contracts. Yeah. Yeah, no, everyone was invited. And then some people like that. I'm going to stay in New York. Oh, people moved, afterwards, you know, when everything imploded, he helped for people, for a while. Mm But, you know, I remember going out, you know, a year or two before the show, and they're like, Oh, we're building this whole new studio for you. Oh, no, it was studio, right? Radford Right. No. Universal Oh, we're right with it. And we went and they gutted it and we went to look at the footprint of the studio. And the second I saw it was like it was too wide and it was like the biggest mistake I think, to make, especially comedy in live audiences on television, like, I don't care how big the crowd. Yeah, but. I remember some weird one off late night shows in the eighties and nineties where the that camera would sweep like, you know, 400 people and it's like, that's not good. And acoustics sucked, too, if you're on stage. Yeah, sure. The audience was 700 people. Oh my God. Why? Yeah, I mean. Yes, but I know and they think that's like, you know, cash it. But for actual comedy in one of your comedy, do well as you know like you want this a low ceiling. You want intimacy, you want people packed in. Yeah you want a fire hazard. A reason to stay. I was just like, oh, I how funny. Well, because New York was 198 people steeply raised fairly steeply rate, small contained. And I knew this is more of a bar. And I mean, the crowds were great. Yeah, I just I remember, like, little moments where I'm like, I don't like this. I feel like I, saw you there at that studio did you direct any of the shows? No, but I know. Okay. So you had you just were. I had one of those heads. Yeah, I had that. Yeah. Yeah. And so when you told me that you didn't know. No. Okay. No, but anyway, but I remember I, I, I agree. I remember thinking to like I mean, the audience was so far away. It seemed like. Maybe a little more. Than usual. Yeah, it didn't seem quite as intimate, but. Yeah, but absolutely. I mean, the shows were going fine, I thought, and I just always thought, well, will have time. So I was more worried about the things that were, you know, where it seemed like we were pressing. Mm. Yeah. Yeah. That would be the natural. And then you know, the just this, that this phone call came like come outside the building. I'm like, no, what's going on. Yeah. Oh, and our producer Jeff Ross were like, can you come outside? They were just like, Let's not even talk in the building like it was. Oh, wow. Yeah. Hiding in the closet. Right, right, right. I mean, I think it was more like, Let's go for a walk out of the building. Did you think you were getting fired? No, no, no. Yeah, Honestly, Fingers crossed. No. And we just walked and they said, Well, here's what's going on. They they want to bring, you know, Shay back at 1130 and we'd go on at 1205 and, you know. And here's hoping really fast. We had also not known that she was going to do a monologue and have one guest and do like a 30 minute show. Right. Which it's like, hello, That's the first half of the content of any Late Show. Is that so? Who the fuck wants to watch another monologue and another, Right. The first guest. Well, here was the other thing that was obviously really bad was we're counting down to doing The Tonight Show. And then I get called into the office in New York like they just announced Jay's going to do a 10 p.m. show. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, he did a one man show and it was local news on The Tonight Show. And, you know that's really bad. And who is? It's The Tonight Show before The Tonight Show. Yeah. And obviously that's not good. But, you know, we had to go. Well, okay, so this year the cards now that are and like it'll be okay it'll be okay but you know. Because what are your options? You know, there were no options. No options. and it was like NBC putting themselves into this corner and it was getting smaller. And so so there was j 10 to 11 and now it's how about Jay 1130 to midnight? And it's like. Wow, yeah, that's. Just where it was like, almost like, okay, I'm getting off this. Trip, which is what they meant to happen. Yeah, because they couldn't fire him and they needed him. So I really, yeah. I mean, really cost them too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also who didn't remember it. Like the fatal flaw of the 10 p.m., right? Whoopi Goldberg had won, Chevy Chase had won, and then. I did Chevy Chase, which is a ten. Or was that little? There may have been 11. Daniel knows more than he needs to about this kind of that. But Eichler were both. Wow. And people can't watch that. Just there's a gap there. Right. And because you know couldn't get offered the 11:00 spot on Fox and and I guess there was this belief that 11 was not great for some reason like people watching news that or. When I mean I do I love local news yeah I do what do you actually watch about says oh my God it's the best. What what do you what's your. Local. I watch cow. Because she's. They're the CBS. CBS. So first of all the weather girl is the best. I don't want to have her, but she she has this like story arc in every segment, whether it's a bumper or the actual forecast. Yeah, she starts out really high on Saturday. Temperatures are going to soar. And this is a really dramatic day. And right by the end of it, she's got this all 000, Lord. When did they become cocktail waitresses? That's when I went. How everyone looks so sexy. Yeah. Going to fuck up twice in the first 5 minutes. Guaranteed. It's so fun. It's always a blooper. There's always. Oh. There's always someone out at the shore. Yeah. The bet you. And the camera about Wilson. And it's one of the last places I think I talk about this a lot, but it's like we're in the last places where people who They're unpolished, right? Not like The Gong Show, right? People who were on television but didn't know they were on TV. Right. people who are on local news as guests or like man on the street, unpolished. Yeah. They're not ready to be photographed kind of thing. But yeah. I think everyone's so camera savvy. Oh, yeah. Like, do you ever see old like Robert Morrow reports from the fifties? Like old early television. A lot of the man on the streets back then, That's where people really didn't know about cameras. Mm. So it's such a wonderful. I feel like it's a window back to life before World War You all, you know, almost before World War two. But just that innocence, that American innocence of not even knowing to look at it. Uh huh. And and so unaffected. There's no camera. There, right? Yeah. I feel like now people are especially in L.A., Oh my God, I'm an eyewitness. I know. Just what? Yeah. old man with a ponytail. So gross. It's like Old Man of the Year. Ponytail is. Especially if the hair's almost gone in front. Oh. Yeah. Agree. That is the. Oh, it is absolutely horrible. It makes me sad. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a acoustic guitar that's like youth choir. It's like. It's like somebody pulled your hair from behind and it stayed there, like, halfway on your head. It's like, Oh. And the worse is when you when you're seeing them from the front. So you're, you're like, oh, and then they turn around, you're like, oh, yeah, oh. Oh, oh. I worked at a restaurant with this old queen. He was he was probably 48 at the time. He just he was saying exactly what we're describing about Ponytail. And he had had long nails, which is not a good look, old man. And these fucking mutton chops, Right. Ooh, he looks like your aunt is. Oh, and he would. Be. Like a 48 year old server. Well, he would wait tables. He'd sit there and play with the curled up ponytail, which is. That's unsanitary. That's hair. And your food. When I. Oh, you're supposed to play with that much. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But that, that image is burned in my brain is what I understand with that. But he's. Also funny. He'd tell you all kinds of stuff. I'm like, Never dance on a roundtable. Oh, that is. Why you fall off the a. Flip over. It's not structurally sound from you. Enough of your old history. With intellectuals. I call it faggy, and I can say that. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Nice day. And you. People. Want me now. How it works afterwards? Yeah, that doesn't work quite as much. Okay, so I do I want to talk about. So Conan's been the biggest. What? You get off your love of CONAN, Figure out. Can I have my. Well, it's mine. I've only worked for one. Show in years, so. Course. But. But you're a really good stand up as well. Very, very funny. Stand up. I was about know I was about to ask if you wouldn't mind talking about like your were set and what that entails but go ahead if you want to. We're going to talk about Tony really, really stuck out there. Usually a lot of sketches on. This. Play and his sister, that kind of stuff. So who were you in on those parts of the show? Yeah, because that was in the nineties. CONAN There was a nice nineties. Did you like how did you get into sketch writing? Was that just part of the game? Um, yeah. I mean, I got hired to be a sketch. I also would write monologue jokes occasionally. Okay. But but primarily just. Sketch and then do were you doing stand up all the time while you had that job? Roseanne? Something you left. Behind? I left behind why? I was well, I guess I was doing the audience warm up for the war. And then I got I had to be a writer. warm up there was just didn't come out for like 8 minutes and talk to like. You don't have to sit YMCA. None of that. Okay, now. So I was just like, hmm, So it was, it didn't it wasn't throwing T-shirts right now. And do you feel bitter? Do you feel bitter at all about about being Conan's valet or are you just like it seems like the logical progression of very. Angry. About it? Yeah. Okay. But wait, you Laura, the question is, what's your. I wanted to ask Mike just about a road gig? What was the worst one? I think the word when it comes really, there's quite a number of places to go through the Winnipeg. I got hired to be a headliner at this club in Winnipeg Way before I was ready, and I was there for a whole week. Oh, no, it's cold and brutal and. And that was just the audience. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no. I have enough material. I just. I wasn't seasoned enough to really be. And it's. I think it's because. Well, it is a New York comic, you know, that sort of. Oh, yeah. Okay. I live in New York. Yes, you're right. You got the zip code, right? But I don't I in hindsight, it was during the week I was like, oh, I was barely getting away with it. And it was every night I was just like dreaded imposter. Yes. That. And who were the other comics on the show. Were from. Winnipeg? Well, you know, I was bombing in Vegas early on, I remember. But Vegas had talked about how Vegas or Atlantic City are not normal in terms of comedy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because they've all they've lost something and then they've lost their sense of humor. It turns out. But I remember one of the managers was actually really nice and said, Laura, if it's okay, we're going to have the middle act a little bit more time and have you do a less. I guess I think that was that was another thing. I didn't really have the material yet. I didn't have certainly didn't have the confidence. And then I was like, Hi, yeah, you know, but. Something like that, because you're so sensitive when you're competing and everything. And then someone said something like that, you're just like. Oh yeah, because then you have to kind of got fired, but not really. Yeah, yeah. It's also at that point, it immediately validates that you have made all the wrong decisions every choice. Oh yeah. No. I had so many, like whenever anything was on the line, like if someone, you know, for Frank Cannon from Letterman came in, or I would get so self-conscious. Oh, in my head. Mm hmm. Literally be outside my body watching myself. I was just this automaton reciting what I had. Then you're like, Snap out of it. What are you doing? What are you doing out of the up? Like, I'd literally be, like, yelling at myself. Wow. Oh, no. That's incredible. Like, I was always the best when I felt there was zero pressure. Mm. There is no one in the audience of any important. But if there's someone that I would give importance to, I would give all this power to them. And so. so it's kind of self-sabotage I guess you could call it. Or Yeah. You're talking about like regrets. but that to me was almost a constant throughout was afterwards just going. Oh yeah, I remember I was bombing so bad in Boston, played against Sands that I saw myself at the bar high. You son of a bitch. God damn it, Webb. Yeah, Yeah, you're right. Exactly. You know, they definitely don't play it. Even the first time I was bombing. But that only happened once where I had a real outer body. Put yourself out at the bar. Yeah. That kid's having a good time. No, but I. It shocked me at the time because I could see myself and didn't know if I was even still on stage. back then. I drank scotch and I could see myself holding like a scotch at the bar. Also not laughing at me at I just go, Why are you doing this? And yeah, why were you doing this? But you're the only person I've ever heard of that's had an out-of-body experience, too. Wow. Oh, really? Yeah. Headspace of your. You're talking and doing your act, right? Yeah. The other level sometimes of like, okay, and you're organizing what it is you're saying. But then there's that other third one you just talked about where you're like, Stop doing that. Let's just be relaxed. That third voice. That where you're yelling at yourself. Like once you realize you're in your head trying to get yourself, Oh, you're fucked, you're so bad. But that little not hair of a moment. Yeah, yeah, that is so incredible. you saw yourself outside your body? Oh, yeah. I was horrified. Wow. I was just like, Oh. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm attached to this guy. I could. That that's that's a that's really terrible. And especially having had him happen more than once. Yeah. Yeah. The old fashioned dare I get self care. I literally just and go. Oh well, I mean, I think the reason I had to stop drinking scotch because it doesn't make you high as fuck you made has been lit. Yeah. Oh, that could, it could have been a lot of things, but I mean I. That was the only time I'd ever been like, you know what's happening? I, I'm bombing bad that I've got or even that right. Or Yeah, but even then I had time to be looking like the time was going by so slowly. I was like 12 by the time I left the States getting no laugh, but I was like, I don't know. It's so weird. Do you ever have one of those? Like I used to like college gigs for. Well, and you have to do an hour. Oh, you know, I remember one night it was going okay, but it but I was definitely talking fast. I was all through stuff. I remember there's one thing where I'm like, oh, in 5 minutes I'll be doing that bit where I pull my arm up and I can check my watch. Oh, that's smart. So, you know, I but I'm just like, okay, here comes this. I get better before and now I always remember this and it's like 20. Oh, no, mother of crooks. Oh, that's wow. Right. I love having a talk on stage because it can be your absolute best friend. And it's just like. Like a death staring you in the face. That's an agonizing 4 minutes. And you look over. Wow, How agonizing minutes. Oh, hell. I do have a bit where I complain about being old man. I do look at my I do absolutely do that. Right. That for sure. Time check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, just let it, hopefully. Oh, sorry, guys. I don't know. I just never trust myself like I always do. Like, once anything over 10 minutes, I have no idea where I am anymore. Like in podcast. I have a good bombing story that it's my favorite college bombing. Of. Oh. Comedian and Billy Jay. Oh, yeah, Yeah, definitely do. So he he was doing all these collages. And impressions and stuff, right? That's a killer, didn't he? Oh, I don't know. I thought so. I'm not sure. I don't. Maybe. Oh, maybe not. But he was saying, oh, you know, he's doing these Midwest colleges. They were all great. Mhm. And the last night there was some college, small college in Iowa and I can just go finish this and then go back to New York. You know who's better than me? The king of the hill. So they pick him up and they drive him to the college and they're like, Oh, we just very minor detail. We accidentally, you know, we booked you tonight. We also it's student Boxing Night and it's like, it's a boxing exhibition and it's the students boxing. And he's like, Oh, okay. And he's like, So we're going to combine something dry. And this is a thing where they kind of picked him up close to Showtime, so they drive him to go, You were going to be in a theater, but we've moved it to the gym, uh, driving to this giant college gym he goes in. In the center of the gym is is a boxing ring, and everyone's just. Oh, my God, I'm. Sitting around this ring and they're like, Yeah, we're going to bring you up in the after the first bout. After the first bout. Oh, my. God. Opener. Yeah. Oh, Oh, opener. Go short because this guy gets his nose broken open and amazing knocked out immediately in the first round. There's blood. He literally clean blood. Oh my. God. And the the ring microphone came down. And the studio's all right. Are you ready for your book? Whoa. He had to do the comedy from the center of the ring. Oh, my God. He's listening. That's incredible. The what? I would rather like love. Give me gloves and I'll let him do that. Yeah. Well, it's a Where was Billy Jay in all of this? He that was. Yeah. Act as the comedian. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were doing it. No, he told. I'm sorry. This is his story. Oh, I'm sorry. I just seared my brain. Oh, oh, oh. I'm. I'm telling someone else's response. Oh, okay. But because, well, he was loved. I shouldn't get it. When. When you cut this together, take out the fact that Mike told somebody else's story. I thought it because it meant more when he was in it. When it was him, I thought it was him that knew Daniel. Was on technological. Journey. And then he was like, Oh, that's not my story. Well, see, my great grandmother, she went down on this huge boat, I think it was called the Titanic. Well, okay, well, it wasn't actually me. Good Christ. It's just a good Bobby. I'm sorry. You know, I have so many of my own bombing stories, you know, and funny. Upstate New York, and they were perfectly nice. It was. Yeah. I mean, it's in a cafeteria also. And. But they made an announcement before me because apparently the male comedian the last week was atrocious. So before. Which it's not show business, right? Whatever. It's not comedy when you're performing Or a cafeteria. Or a cafeteria. I beg your pardon? The cafeteria. Guy. Or whoever brought me the girl, she's like, Thank you, everyone, for coming tonight. And just so you know, in regards to last week's performance, if at any point you feel uncomfortable or there's anything you can leave at any time, please welcome Daniel. I know. I'm not going to you know, that's a. Very modern and. I'm. Oh, my God, it is, isn't it? Are you. Ready to get Trigger. The same face over here? Yeah, Yeah. But it really just turned what I was doing into a huge tantrum, right? You know, at that point, I felt two of them, like, I don't want to offend anybody. So any time ago, you know what I mean? To joke about. But, you know. So we were out at that point. Oh, no, no, no. But I don't look, I'm not going to do anything because I'm not attracted anybody here. Oh, all right. Okay. Down the middle. That was one of those shows where someone this person at the end student was like, You're just waiting. Like, there's anyone talking to me? Yeah. And they come to like, I just saw. I'm the only queer person at this whole school. Oh, well, we need an old woman. Yeah, that's what I said. I know. That's right. Well, they were even like. I was like, just. They're not. They're not. They don't know yet. Mm. No. So we were showering together, and I just wanted to ask. Do you think that's weird? Yeah. No. If that person was doing their whole thesis, they wanted to write on the neurological damage of living like a closeted, uh oh. You have to fucking unwind all that shit. Um, you know, was like, See? Yeah. That's what I love about performance. It brings damage people together. Nice. That's really nice. That's that is one of my favorite things. When I started doing comedy was it didn't matter what anyone's background was. Yeah, shared this severe damage. Oh yeah I bet Other than Matt Brunker, who had. Great. He's hilarious. No, but he had a really good nose and say he had an amazing childhood. He said his parents were teachers. He had. all this love and one of his bits is when he was saying goodbye, like on bus when he was a kid he was saying by owner and he turned around. Never been to stare at him like you are a mama's boy or whatever. But but I was going to say, most comics don't have a good childhood. Yeah, Yeah, I probably. Right. Yeah. Garrett, can you take out the part where Laura told another comics? Hi. I said his name. No, I gave him the thing. I said Matt Braga? Yeah. I said. How competitive is late night when you're in? Are you even just doing You're just doing the job, right. And again, thank you for staring. Let's look at standup is so competitive. You know, just night after night you're being and you're in competition. You mean. Like working out late night? Yeah. Yeah, like watching day to day out there. I did it on your. I wouldn't watch any other late night shows just because I didn't like what I said. Right. Or I didn't want to know what anyone else was doing. Oh, yeah. And it was just Let's worry about what we're doing. you had some great writers on the staff here, Laurie Kilmartin, Bryan Kiley, Oh, my God, just like, it's a long list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Brian Stack, Brian McCann, Allison Silver. Uh, yeah, it's an endless list. Yeah, wasn't real. It just all these wonderful writers. Laurie Kilmartin, though, is, like, the best joke writer. She's a. She's amazing. She's so good. Storyteller, the whole thing. She was a monologue. Writer, and. Uh, yeah, Yeah. early on and late night. It was monologue writers and sketch writers, and they didn't really cross. Oh, and then when we moved out to L.A., it became much more fluid, like the model writers would do. The model, but then they'd come in and pitch sketch stuff. And the coyote would have a sketch in his monologue sometimes. Yes. Yes. After the bottom end. Absolutely right. Yeah. Yeah. Was there a family that was joined together? They had. Uh, they. It was like a total side of it. Like for 30 seconds. Yeah. I mean, they were 8 million, trillion. The. Year bad. Girls girls. First thing was the one about the guys that had their pants off next to the stove. What was it? But my favorite. I think, of all times preparation. Is range, right? Oh, okay. That was that. That was a character that Brian McCann, a writer, did people's favorite things were born in the writers room. That's one of the reasons I stopped doing standup, was because we're there till after midnight. Oh, jeez. So I literally I was like, putting in four sets and I was like, I think that I was canceling and I was like, Oh, this place Like, we had dinner. And then back then we stayed till after midnight and for years. Yeah, I just had to stop doing standup, so we'd be there in the writers room at like 11 p.m. at night and that's when things like preparation, a train and the guy just handed out boxes of Preparation H to the audience. It's because Preparation H sent us a basket and so they were sitting around the writers room and that just. That's great. I could see how that would be useful anyway, because that's when it hurts is really late at night. and also a lot of times you'd be there in 1:00 at night because we needed second sketch. Yeah. Oh yeah. You until it was green lit. And so, and then all the phone calls like the writers produced to do call wardrobe props. Oh damn. All that stuff had to be done before you left the building that night. Right. I feel like people, like writers have to produce. You don't always get the credit. Every. Every show is different. I know CONAN was based on the SNL model. your sketch is approved. You've got to produce it. So you live or die. So you're like, you're if something goes wrong, you can't go, oh, well, you know, so-and-so ordered the wrong dress. It's like, no, you ordered the wrong dress or you didn't shoot the pre-tape part, right? So if something was great. Mm hmm. Yes. But I did it. There was no one else. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. SNL didn't overlap. And. No. I had one year. There was in 94, and I think I even was on CONAN because during the week, I was Connie Chung. And so I did the whatever the mouth of Connie Chung. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. We call those clutch cars. I like to say the mouth of Connie Chung. You did. The mouth of. The. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clutch car, right? We call them because I was an old show. Children. Cha cha. Oh, okay. How would it. All brought that? Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. So when. Okay, I'm batting all over the place, but yeah, after the Jay Leno Tonight Show, blah, blah, blah, you guys debacle, debacle. You guys went on the road? Yeah. Team Coco Who was it Call I hit corner of the it. Was the legally prohibited from. Oh. Television tour. Right. Oh that's great. You were a writer for that. Yeah. And you didn't perform? No, I was like the head writer that did you do. A warm up act on that? I didn't. Okay. Yeah, I did. When I became a writer in 2000, I stopped doing this. I had to be in the monologue. Yeah, we were taking the jokes. In warm up was a horrible thing to be doing anyway. It's awful. I actually. Enjoyed it. So we did the tour like kind of solidify we can do our own show or did it mean anything or was it just a thing to go out and. Do. Those? A Jay Leno fans are not. Ha ha ha. They're taking down the building. They're moving the house, too. Back to New York. Six feet under right you know what? CONAN So kind of large and and charge of his shows that no one ever bothered him about what was on the show. No, you so people were bothering him at late night. then, yeah, we were at the show and did it on tour, and then we cruised right into doing the show again on TV. Yes. And yeah, I was kind of just he had carte blanche to do what he wanted to do. I'm sorry. I have to take this caller. Mike, Yeah, this is the left turn While Mike was, I believe, still studying law in New York, right between law and stand up, there was an artist whose name was Keith Haring. And I'm wondering how what your connection is. With Keith Haring. It's a way drawings he did around 5000 subway and subway. And, you know, I admire them. I like them. And then when I moved into the city in September of 1983, I would periodically go down the subway and take one. So I. Fantastic. Yeah, I have 70. What? Yeah. That's insane. So he doesn't have to worry about anything. In other words. You guys know. I can. Watch the bullshit like Architectural Digest, like, at people's homes, right? But what I do watch is an inferior one called Quintessence, which is just much of a rich white people. Right. But it's hysterical. It's. Yeah, folly of out, but it's inevitably like two rich, old gay guys, right? Right up like five houses. And. But one of them has a subway Keith Haring piece. That's cool because they're just chalk or they're just chalk. And you have like, Yeah, you have to really preserve it. Yeah. I mean, I literally have dreams that I wake up from. Watch schoolchildren with a blackboard race. Huh? Oh, my God, my dear. I was like, okay. So where are disco? Where are they? Under there. By house. In a safe. And a. Lot. And my was right here in Hollywood are independent. Yeah, but how smart feel like I remember seeing them like, their during the all of the eighties. He stopped doing them in June of 85. I've actually and I can look at them and know when he did. Oh. and now there's a lot of fakes and I can tell them. Oh wow. Okay. Yes He's kind of easy to knock off. Hmm. Try to knock them off and put them on distressed paper. And I'm like, Oh, they're me and one other guy who an artist. Mm. Worked with. Harry. Oh, wow. You met him. Or did you? I, I now know. Yeah, No, but he stopped in June at 802 and he did thousands. Okay. So I was thinking, like in my head, I was like, why wasn't I smart enough to do that? But I wasn't in New York then. But even so. Because the road or probably the road has a huge record collection. And, well, they have a retrospective. That's. Do you ever lend your stuff to them? I or I. Just laugh out loud in the museum. You go in. I do. I just go. Right. They are you know, they were in like a Whitney retrospective. Oh, amazing. The nineties. And some of them. No travel. Before. Oh, have you ever like I'm sure you touched them to grab them but you really touch the. Chocolate and you want to fucking know I don't touch it. You are. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah. There's, they're very. So even taking them down when you were stealing them did you. From the subway stations. He was vandalizing. Yeah. Oh that's right. Well we'll when it advertisement. When, when the release was up they put black paper over it there's all this, these black paper to draw on. So he started doing his drawing. Oh he was arrested a lot. Wow. I had no idea. I thought they were just up like, you know, like the way people spray paint stuff and do murals. And you're right, he didn't want people to take them. So I did, in a sense, violate his wishes. But I only in my mind it was. We're here with art, the. Opinion. But and also they wouldn't exist anymore. I only took A few. But I mean, just it was that I never who would have had the wherewithal to think that's. Honestly. You know, I mean, you just think whatever. I don't know. The first few times I went, I went to a ride dressed like a cat and I'd be like. Oh, amazing. But then I was like, Oh, it's New York City. Like, then I would just go like on a Sunday at 12 noon with cops on the platform. And it's the classic thing where if you act like you're supposed to be doing that. Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. No one even know what that's like. You're wearing cables into a into a show to get into concerts for free. thing you guys. We've taken this Dallas girl. She is great. I mean, she is like a cute blond, too, but she put an apron on and she'd get boxes and she'd go to the back and go catering. And if they let her in to show that she just did the box and the apron Oh, that's. That's really cool. Oh, that's amazing. I used to do I used to sneak into places and then I'd make friends with the security guard so I could go and get my friends and like, I'd make friends with a security guard at the door. Mm hmm. Okay, I'll be right back. And it's there with, like, three friends. That's incredible. He was shooting a video right near us. Go to school, and I. You know, I just follow the video cables out to this club, and I just walked in like I was supposed to be there in the lobby, and I'm standing next to David Bowie. Oh, my gosh. Music video for the song Fashion that like, I like I can't because he was doing that on Broadway. Oh, my God. Monday on his day off. So. And I think I made a joke like, Oh, are you doing a music video on your day off? You're real. You really know how to relax. You know? Uh huh, uh. The only time I ever tried, like, so many things, but I had all these Bowie fanatic friends. Yeah. So I went about is amazing. Yeah, we did. That. We faked it till we made it until the Redlands bus. And then. Oh, yeah, but this. How did you do that? We just walked on with it just loud. I love. It. But you're in such close quarters that as soon as the other four people in the bus realize, they're like, Who are you? Is the hills. I know, but we mean. What happened, how deep into that it was. But we were in the living room, I guess. And that's pretty great. That's kind of obvious. To put Loretta on ice. You know, she used to be like. She was gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, with a lower. Lower, lower, lower level. Last time I saw her pool ball gown. Right. But can't even walk. She's golf cart to the stage because that's how we knew to get to her bus because she's an A golfer we can be faster. Literally. The last time I saw I was right a little I was as she's being carried up by a strong man he has her in his arms as she's being carried up the steps of the bus in a full ball gown. And it was her birthday. So world on happy birthday to you. And the red light goes at my birthday again already. And there she went, Oh, yeah. And then she voted for Trump. And I We were so lucky to have Mike Sweeney here today who's so goddamn funny. No, I mean, it. It went by like. Like a week. No. Yeah. No, but I know. So, Mike, you're going to. We're going to have to do a part two of Mike Sweeney, for sure. We've seen these. Days. Oh, yeah. Of this. Podcast. That's. But you and Laurie still do. Every once in a while, you do podcast. You know, I come back. With Jesse Gaskill, who's a hilarious. Oh, okay, great. That it's, of course, about CONAN. CONAN And we talk about, you know, sketches and travel shows and things like that. Oh, yes. Oh, that's fantastic. In the nineties, we went to do the NBC tour. Yeah, and saw the Rosie O'Donnell studio. Yes. Studio. All the Vietnam era. And then the guest was Kevin Bacon. And so we lined up for the tickets. It was on The Rosie Show, Your show. Oh. CONAN okay. Kevin Bacon was the guest. All right. Line up like you had to do for tickets right on the street and you show back up at like 1045, right? Or 430, whatever. STANLEY And we did. And they Kevin Bacon had to be somewhere so that everybody to film early. So they turned us all the way. We not have that ticket somewhere The NBC went with the. Kevin Bacon owes you an interview owes us an interview. Well, I. Know where he lives in Los Angeles. Really? What? But you're good friends with Kevin Bacon. We can ask and convert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I sat I'll drive you my first week in L.A., living here. I drove to Malibu, and I hated the real end, which is a great play. But I sat next to Kevin Bacon and Cat Centric, and I wanted to pick that bone with him by thought was not picked up. Well, we just have to interview him. And then you can feel like I. Ambush him right at the end of the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for coming. Okay. Bye bye. yeah, he. Thank you.