{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":8.8,"endTime":11.803,"body":"Hi. Welcome to what We Thought happened."},{"startTime":11.928,"endTime":13.388,"body":"I'm Laura Kightlinger."},{"startTime":13.388,"endTime":14.556,"body":"And I'm Daniel."},{"startTime":14.556,"endTime":19.811,"body":"And we're here with the extra special"},{"startTime":14.556,"endTime":19.811,"body":"super fun mega special. Girl"},{"startTime":19.894,"endTime":20.311,"body":"as the."},{"startTime":20.311,"endTime":22.188,"body":"Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":22.188,"endTime":24.065,"body":"As Vanessa Mari Gonzalez."},{"startTime":24.065,"endTime":26.484,"body":"Yeah, We've seen her on Comedy Central."},{"startTime":26.484,"endTime":28.028,"body":"I really enjoyed her."},{"startTime":28.028,"endTime":31.072,"body":"As you do on HBO and. HBO on HBO."},{"startTime":31.114,"endTime":31.99,"body":"Oh, great."},{"startTime":31.99,"endTime":32.699,"body":"And you've seen her."},{"startTime":32.699,"endTime":35.618,"body":"She's been touring with Chelsea Handler"},{"startTime":32.699,"endTime":35.618,"body":"for a minute. Yeah."},{"startTime":35.618,"endTime":36.077,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":36.077,"endTime":37.954,"body":"On our two year anniversary."},{"startTime":37.954,"endTime":39.706,"body":"That's so crazy."},{"startTime":39.706,"endTime":40.582,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":40.582,"endTime":44.169,"body":"But I met Vanessa 100 years ago"},{"startTime":40.582,"endTime":44.169,"body":"in Austin, Texas. Yes."},{"startTime":44.21,"endTime":46.421,"body":"When I was at least starting stand up."},{"startTime":46.421,"endTime":47.422,"body":"But you weren't."},{"startTime":47.422,"endTime":48.214,"body":"You were already."},{"startTime":48.214,"endTime":51.634,"body":"No, I mean,"},{"startTime":48.214,"endTime":51.634,"body":"I was in the sketch and improv game."},{"startTime":51.634,"endTime":54.345,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":51.634,"endTime":54.345,"body":"And then I remember looking up to you."},{"startTime":54.345,"endTime":57.098,"body":"You were just such a. Force"},{"startTime":54.345,"endTime":57.098,"body":"in. The beginning."},{"startTime":57.098,"endTime":59.392,"body":"Yeah. Six foot three that."},{"startTime":59.476,"endTime":60.31,"body":"Austin has such a."},{"startTime":60.31,"endTime":61.019,"body":"Scene."},{"startTime":61.019,"endTime":64.397,"body":"In you and Maggie May and Vanessa, like,"},{"startTime":64.397,"endTime":67.692,"body":"there are so many really cool,"},{"startTime":64.397,"endTime":67.692,"body":"great people from their comics."},{"startTime":67.692,"endTime":70.487,"body":"There's no industry there too. Like, well,"},{"startTime":67.692,"endTime":70.487,"body":"now it's."},{"startTime":70.487,"endTime":72.572,"body":"Now it's blowing up. Now it's different."},{"startTime":72.572,"endTime":76.576,"body":"But when we started, I feel like there"},{"startTime":72.572,"endTime":76.576,"body":"wasn't any outside voice to like, chisel."},{"startTime":76.576,"endTime":80.497,"body":"You down from being your authentic true"},{"startTime":76.576,"endTime":80.497,"body":"self."},{"startTime":80.497,"endTime":83.249,"body":"Why you means that there are more managers"},{"startTime":80.497,"endTime":83.249,"body":"and things like going in."},{"startTime":83.249,"endTime":83.958,"body":"This is what?"},{"startTime":83.958,"endTime":84.459,"body":"Oh yeah."},{"startTime":84.459,"endTime":88.004,"body":"Well, they got the Moon Tower"},{"startTime":84.459,"endTime":88.004,"body":"Comedy Festival there now and then."},{"startTime":88.213,"endTime":92.383,"body":"It does feel like a lot more"},{"startTime":88.213,"endTime":92.383,"body":"comics are moving there"},{"startTime":92.467,"endTime":96.221,"body":"and I think it feels like"},{"startTime":92.467,"endTime":96.221,"body":"we're being gentrified."},{"startTime":96.221,"endTime":99.39,"body":"The comedy. Scene,"},{"startTime":99.474,"endTime":100.433,"body":"this comedy scene."},{"startTime":100.433,"endTime":102.852,"body":"Needs is some white guys."},{"startTime":102.852,"endTime":105.98,"body":"And. If they can talk about their kids."},{"startTime":106.064,"endTime":106.898,"body":"Exactly."},{"startTime":106.898,"endTime":107.44,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":107.44,"endTime":110.026,"body":"So they're Christopher Columbus"},{"startTime":107.44,"endTime":110.026,"body":"in their talk."},{"startTime":110.026,"endTime":111.402,"body":"Yeah. Oh, shoot."},{"startTime":111.402,"endTime":111.694,"body":"Because they."},{"startTime":111.694,"endTime":114.072,"body":"See photos"},{"startTime":111.694,"endTime":114.072,"body":"of like there's other comedy clubs"},{"startTime":114.072,"endTime":116.825,"body":"that have opened and stuff"},{"startTime":114.072,"endTime":116.825,"body":"and the lineups are super."},{"startTime":116.825,"endTime":117.45,"body":"White."},{"startTime":117.45,"endTime":117.826,"body":"White."},{"startTime":117.826,"endTime":120.078,"body":"As a white person, that's offensive."},{"startTime":120.078,"endTime":121.788,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":121.788,"endTime":123.581,"body":"But yeah, I'm so excited that you're here."},{"startTime":123.581,"endTime":126.292,"body":"You're you were in L.A.,"},{"startTime":123.581,"endTime":126.292,"body":"but now you live back in. Austin, right?"},{"startTime":126.292,"endTime":127.961,"body":"Yeah, I lived here for two years."},{"startTime":127.961,"endTime":131.965,"body":"I made the big jump and I was like,"},{"startTime":127.961,"endTime":131.965,"body":"you know, everyone made the jump."},{"startTime":132.215,"endTime":135.802,"body":"I feel like I was one of the last"},{"startTime":132.215,"endTime":135.802,"body":"or it felt like"},{"startTime":135.885,"endTime":137.971,"body":"I was dragging my feet on it"},{"startTime":135.885,"endTime":137.971,"body":"because it was hard."},{"startTime":137.971,"endTime":138.93,"body":"It was hard to leave."},{"startTime":138.93,"endTime":140.89,"body":"Yeah, but then I finally did it."},{"startTime":140.89,"endTime":146.312,"body":"And then in 2020, everything shut down"},{"startTime":140.89,"endTime":146.312,"body":"and I went back home and have just stayed."},{"startTime":146.396,"endTime":149.315,"body":"Yeah, I was like,"},{"startTime":146.396,"endTime":149.315,"body":"It'll just be a few months."},{"startTime":149.315,"endTime":150.817,"body":"And then it just kept on going."},{"startTime":150.817,"endTime":153.027,"body":"But you need it, right?"},{"startTime":150.817,"endTime":153.027,"body":"You don't need to be here."},{"startTime":153.027,"endTime":153.945,"body":"And I know."},{"startTime":153.945,"endTime":155.53,"body":"I doesn't stay here. Oh, right."},{"startTime":155.53,"endTime":157.115,"body":"In fact, I'm leaving right now."},{"startTime":157.115,"endTime":158.032,"body":"I'm fucking leaving."},{"startTime":158.032,"endTime":158.867,"body":"Well, it's funny."},{"startTime":158.867,"endTime":161.035,"body":"Because I'm like, Oh, I miss it."},{"startTime":161.035,"endTime":163.121,"body":"I want to go back"},{"startTime":161.035,"endTime":163.121,"body":"and everybody that's here is like,"},{"startTime":163.121,"endTime":164.581,"body":"Girl, you're not missing any."},{"startTime":164.581,"endTime":165.915,"body":"People are leaving, though."},{"startTime":165.915,"endTime":167.709,"body":"Everyone's going to New York."},{"startTime":167.709,"endTime":170.712,"body":"My boyfriend just want to go to Hawaii"},{"startTime":167.709,"endTime":170.712,"body":"and I love Hawaii."},{"startTime":170.712,"endTime":173.423,"body":"I know. Right in my my fucking lazy asses."},{"startTime":173.423,"endTime":177.26,"body":"Like so you. Just do it. We. Yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":177.343,"endTime":180.346,"body":"Well, it's like because my foot is barely"},{"startTime":177.343,"endTime":180.346,"body":"in the comedy too, cause I'm, like,"},{"startTime":180.471,"endTime":184.35,"body":"slamming, like it never happens,"},{"startTime":180.471,"endTime":184.35,"body":"and I'll just open a grocery store."},{"startTime":184.392,"endTime":188.271,"body":"Yeah, well, I feel like for me,"},{"startTime":184.392,"endTime":188.271,"body":"I'm like my foot in the door,"},{"startTime":188.271,"endTime":191.774,"body":"but I'm just like,"},{"startTime":188.271,"endTime":191.774,"body":"it's just not opening, but my."},{"startTime":191.858,"endTime":192.609,"body":"My foot."},{"startTime":192.609,"endTime":193.484,"body":"And I'm like."},{"startTime":193.484,"endTime":196.821,"body":"We open the door and they're. Like, Oh,"},{"startTime":196.905,"endTime":198.281,"body":"no one's out."},{"startTime":198.281,"endTime":198.74,"body":"You got to run."},{"startTime":198.74,"endTime":200.575,"body":"How do. I get the rest of myself."},{"startTime":200.575,"endTime":202.452,"body":"That right?"},{"startTime":202.452,"endTime":204.037,"body":"I'm just scratching at the back window."},{"startTime":204.037,"endTime":206.497,"body":"I gave up on the front door"},{"startTime":204.037,"endTime":206.497,"body":"and I'm trying the back of the house."},{"startTime":206.497,"endTime":207.999,"body":"Yeah, Yeah. So."},{"startTime":207.999,"endTime":210.335,"body":"But you've been all over the place"},{"startTime":207.999,"endTime":210.335,"body":"you did just get back from."},{"startTime":210.335,"endTime":212.086,"body":"Okay, first of all, there's"},{"startTime":210.335,"endTime":212.086,"body":"so many questions to ask."},{"startTime":212.086,"endTime":214.297,"body":"Yeah, because we never really talk comedy"},{"startTime":212.086,"endTime":214.297,"body":"when I."},{"startTime":214.297,"endTime":215.798,"body":"When we hang out and stuff."},{"startTime":215.798,"endTime":218.384,"body":"You just got back from a crazy trip to."},{"startTime":218.384,"endTime":220.47,"body":"Spur Spain or Spain."},{"startTime":220.47,"endTime":223.473,"body":"Yeah, I have your your you're."},{"startTime":223.598,"endTime":225.433,"body":"Overseas as. Overseas."},{"startTime":225.433,"endTime":227.769,"body":"Races, ashes. And all that stuff."},{"startTime":227.769,"endTime":229.229,"body":"But that was super cool."},{"startTime":229.229,"endTime":230.063,"body":"Yeah. Oh my God."},{"startTime":230.063,"endTime":233.024,"body":"It was"},{"startTime":230.063,"endTime":233.024,"body":"so it was my first time overseas in Spain."},{"startTime":233.024,"endTime":235.944,"body":"Yeah. I've only been to Mexico and Canada."},{"startTime":235.944,"endTime":238.446,"body":"Hawaii is the most overseas. Yeah."},{"startTime":238.446,"endTime":239.405,"body":"Is that over, Crawford?"},{"startTime":239.405,"endTime":240.198,"body":"Okay. Yeah."},{"startTime":240.198,"endTime":243.201,"body":"My, my relatives"},{"startTime":240.198,"endTime":243.201,"body":"probably think Mexico is overseas."},{"startTime":243.284,"endTime":244.41,"body":"It is?"},{"startTime":244.41,"endTime":246.162,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":244.41,"endTime":246.162,"body":"They don't speak English. Well, that's."},{"startTime":246.162,"endTime":247.33,"body":"It's different."},{"startTime":247.33,"endTime":248.164,"body":"Yeah, that's right."},{"startTime":248.164,"endTime":251.751,"body":"I feel like our show is diverse just"},{"startTime":248.164,"endTime":251.751,"body":"because Laura's from upstate New York."},{"startTime":251.793,"endTime":252.252,"body":"There you."},{"startTime":252.252,"endTime":253.086,"body":"Go. Well,"},{"startTime":253.086,"endTime":256.839,"body":"I know it makes it sound like it's nice,"},{"startTime":253.086,"endTime":256.839,"body":"but I'm from actually western New York."},{"startTime":256.839,"endTime":260.009,"body":"Oh, Which might as well be the South."},{"startTime":260.093,"endTime":260.927,"body":"Pretty much."},{"startTime":260.927,"endTime":263.346,"body":"I hope. I just went to Ohio, right?"},{"startTime":263.346,"endTime":264.722,"body":"I was in Cleveland last weekend"},{"startTime":264.722,"endTime":268.476,"body":"and I totally forgot that"},{"startTime":264.722,"endTime":268.476,"body":"there's hillbillies way the fuck up there."},{"startTime":268.518,"endTime":269.394,"body":"I didn't know."},{"startTime":269.394,"endTime":270.103,"body":"Yeah, it was crazy."},{"startTime":270.103,"endTime":273.064,"body":"Yeah. Okay, so I have a serious question."},{"startTime":273.064,"endTime":275.233,"body":"You have been on a private jet?"},{"startTime":275.233,"endTime":276.442,"body":"Yeah. Have you been on a private jet?"},{"startTime":276.442,"endTime":279.654,"body":"I know. A couple. I want to meet you."},{"startTime":279.696,"endTime":281.322,"body":"First question off the bat,"},{"startTime":281.322,"endTime":285.159,"body":"do you Not you personally, but does anyone"},{"startTime":281.322,"endTime":285.159,"body":"take a shit on a private plane?"},{"startTime":285.243,"endTime":287.87,"body":"No, It's too small."},{"startTime":287.87,"endTime":289.747,"body":"But there's this fence in there."},{"startTime":289.747,"endTime":292.542,"body":"Is the bathroom Not like extra fancy"},{"startTime":289.747,"endTime":292.542,"body":"that is capable."},{"startTime":292.542,"endTime":293.96,"body":"Honestly, I have never"},{"startTime":293.96,"endTime":296.921,"body":"because it's usually like four seats"},{"startTime":293.96,"endTime":296.921,"body":"and it's terrifying."},{"startTime":296.921,"endTime":298.047,"body":"It is? Yeah."},{"startTime":298.047,"endTime":302.552,"body":"I always get scared and I have to take,"},{"startTime":298.047,"endTime":302.552,"body":"like, a Dramamine and like, five Dramamine"},{"startTime":302.719,"endTime":305.43,"body":"or whatever."},{"startTime":302.719,"endTime":305.43,"body":"All the room and the luxury of it."},{"startTime":305.43,"endTime":306.889,"body":"You don't like to fly it, basically."},{"startTime":306.889,"endTime":310.184,"body":"Well, I do,"},{"startTime":306.889,"endTime":310.184,"body":"But you know, the little planes."},{"startTime":310.268,"endTime":312.186,"body":"But the lack of poor people"},{"startTime":310.268,"endTime":312.186,"body":"doesn't give you."},{"startTime":312.186,"endTime":315.982,"body":"Like a"},{"startTime":312.186,"endTime":315.982,"body":"Oh, I mean, that's exhilarating. Yeah."},{"startTime":316.024,"endTime":317.317,"body":"The no poor people."},{"startTime":317.317,"endTime":321.279,"body":"Is nice and all so that you don't"},{"startTime":317.317,"endTime":321.279,"body":"have to go like through LAX."},{"startTime":321.404,"endTime":322.655,"body":"That's right."},{"startTime":322.655,"endTime":325.658,"body":"I've just always wondered"},{"startTime":322.655,"endTime":325.658,"body":"what the manners are on a private plane."},{"startTime":325.658,"endTime":327.452,"body":"Like, can you order anything you want?"},{"startTime":327.452,"endTime":330.621,"body":"I think there's, like, a scale"},{"startTime":327.452,"endTime":330.621,"body":"maybe we've gotten,"},{"startTime":330.705,"endTime":334.667,"body":"because when when the ones I've been on,"},{"startTime":330.705,"endTime":334.667,"body":"there's just a basket of snacks."},{"startTime":334.751,"endTime":335.46,"body":"That's it."},{"startTime":335.46,"endTime":338.463,"body":"And I usually just take the whole. Basket"},{"startTime":338.671,"endTime":340.214,"body":"like rice is mine."},{"startTime":340.214,"endTime":341.674,"body":"Can I use that a bit? Chelsea?"},{"startTime":341.674,"endTime":344.344,"body":"I mean, Chelsea is from a wealthy family,"},{"startTime":341.674,"endTime":344.344,"body":"but she's probably used to that."},{"startTime":344.344,"endTime":346.429,"body":"She's really been in that situation"},{"startTime":344.344,"endTime":346.429,"body":"her whole life."},{"startTime":346.429,"endTime":347.972,"body":"Oh, yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":347.972,"endTime":348.306,"body":"You know,"},{"startTime":348.306,"endTime":352.81,"body":"when someone is has been around a lot"},{"startTime":348.306,"endTime":352.81,"body":"when they leave the free ship behind."},{"startTime":352.894,"endTime":354.27,"body":"Do you know what I'm saying?"},{"startTime":354.27,"endTime":354.854,"body":"Goodie bags."},{"startTime":354.854,"endTime":356.105,"body":"I take the free shit."},{"startTime":356.105,"endTime":357.315,"body":"I clear. The room."},{"startTime":357.315,"endTime":361.486,"body":"And even on the private jet, they ask you"},{"startTime":357.315,"endTime":361.486,"body":"like, Oh, because it's all an extra row."},{"startTime":361.486,"endTime":362.445,"body":"So they're like, Are."},{"startTime":362.445,"endTime":363.696,"body":"You willing and able?"},{"startTime":363.696,"endTime":366.574,"body":"And I'm like,"},{"startTime":363.696,"endTime":366.574,"body":"No, I'm not. I'm not willing."},{"startTime":366.574,"endTime":369.202,"body":"Nobody's"},{"startTime":366.574,"endTime":369.202,"body":"going to help anybody in this situation."},{"startTime":369.202,"endTime":370.453,"body":"We talk about this."},{"startTime":370.453,"endTime":373.164,"body":"This just got on my like radar, right?"},{"startTime":373.164,"endTime":374.248,"body":"Because I'm a tall person,"},{"startTime":374.248,"endTime":378.044,"body":"so I always take the emergency row"},{"startTime":374.248,"endTime":378.044,"body":"because I'm like. Yes."},{"startTime":378.086,"endTime":380.38,"body":"Not because I want to help people."},{"startTime":378.086,"endTime":380.38,"body":"Me, too."},{"startTime":380.38,"endTime":381.547,"body":"Nobody wants to help anyone."},{"startTime":381.547,"endTime":385.134,"body":"You just want some room and you don't have"},{"startTime":381.547,"endTime":385.134,"body":"to pay for a business and privacy."},{"startTime":385.134,"endTime":386.052,"body":"Yeah, right."},{"startTime":386.052,"endTime":387.303,"body":"So I was getting on the plane."},{"startTime":387.303,"endTime":390.515,"body":"These two were at the thing with me"},{"startTime":387.303,"endTime":390.515,"body":"and you bleep your thing."},{"startTime":390.515,"endTime":394.352,"body":"And then the agent two the oldest people"},{"startTime":390.515,"endTime":394.352,"body":"you've ever seen on the planet go."},{"startTime":394.519,"endTime":395.478,"body":"You're on an exit row."},{"startTime":395.478,"endTime":396.646,"body":"Are you willing and able?"},{"startTime":396.646,"endTime":398.481,"body":"And the man goes, Yes."},{"startTime":398.481,"endTime":400.4,"body":"And then we all looked at the wife"},{"startTime":400.4,"endTime":404.112,"body":"who's so old and deaf, the bitch"},{"startTime":400.4,"endTime":404.112,"body":"even hear the question, right?"},{"startTime":404.195,"endTime":406.322,"body":"So then he goes, she says, Yes."},{"startTime":406.322,"endTime":408.199,"body":"Oh, then."},{"startTime":408.199,"endTime":410.41,"body":"All of us with our lives get on."},{"startTime":410.41,"endTime":412.87,"body":"The plane. We're behind them. Right?"},{"startTime":412.87,"endTime":416.124,"body":"I'm behind them on on getting,"},{"startTime":412.87,"endTime":416.124,"body":"getting on the plane still."},{"startTime":416.165,"endTime":419.335,"body":"And she goes, what they say, like"},{"startTime":416.165,"endTime":419.335,"body":"they're discussing what the holdup was."},{"startTime":419.335,"endTime":421.337,"body":"Right. And she's like the emergency exit."},{"startTime":421.337,"endTime":422.713,"body":"And then the old lady cracks."},{"startTime":422.713,"endTime":424.882,"body":"She goes, I'll"},{"startTime":422.713,"endTime":424.882,"body":"just everyone's going to have to die"},{"startTime":424.882,"endTime":426.634,"body":"while I figure out what's wrong. Right."},{"startTime":426.634,"endTime":428.261,"body":"I'm hearing. This."},{"startTime":428.261,"endTime":429.053,"body":"That's funny."},{"startTime":429.053,"endTime":432.64,"body":"She sounds I go, we can switch seats"},{"startTime":429.053,"endTime":432.64,"body":"if it's a problem."},{"startTime":432.723,"endTime":434.642,"body":"And then I realized I had my mask on."},{"startTime":434.642,"endTime":437.186,"body":"I'm a 40 year"},{"startTime":434.642,"endTime":437.186,"body":"old stranger to these old people."},{"startTime":437.186,"endTime":438.855,"body":"Do you know what I mean? Like,"},{"startTime":437.186,"endTime":438.855,"body":"I wasn't being funny."},{"startTime":438.855,"endTime":440.44,"body":"I was threatening them. Right."},{"startTime":440.44,"endTime":441.649,"body":"Anyway, now I pay attention."},{"startTime":441.649,"endTime":442.984,"body":"It's the oldest people ever, so."},{"startTime":442.984,"endTime":445.987,"body":"Well, you know,"},{"startTime":442.984,"endTime":445.987,"body":"speaking of old people on planes,"},{"startTime":446.112,"endTime":449.115,"body":"on my on my flight back from Spain,"},{"startTime":449.157,"endTime":452.994,"body":"from from Barcelona to JFK, somebody died."},{"startTime":453.035,"endTime":456.038,"body":"Oh, no. Oh, yes."},{"startTime":456.038,"endTime":457.248,"body":"This was not a private plane."},{"startTime":457.248,"endTime":458.916,"body":"No, this was not."},{"startTime":458.916,"endTime":460.084,"body":"It was it was noticeable."},{"startTime":460.084,"endTime":462.295,"body":"No, somebody. Dies in a private"},{"startTime":460.084,"endTime":462.295,"body":"plane is really. No."},{"startTime":462.295,"endTime":465.339,"body":"Well, can you move them out of the seat"},{"startTime":462.295,"endTime":465.339,"body":"at that point so you get a better one."},{"startTime":465.339,"endTime":468.718,"body":"So when when we were walking on the plane,"},{"startTime":465.339,"endTime":468.718,"body":"I was with my boyfriend."},{"startTime":468.718,"endTime":469.76,"body":"I have a boyfriend."},{"startTime":469.76,"endTime":472.305,"body":"And this is a show about bragging."},{"startTime":472.305,"endTime":473.973,"body":"Yeah, I. Have a boyfriend. My boyfriend."},{"startTime":473.973,"endTime":478.811,"body":"And so we're walking on"},{"startTime":473.973,"endTime":478.811,"body":"and he's in the pods in the in the front,"},{"startTime":478.895,"endTime":483.357,"body":"and he's already lying down on oxygen"},{"startTime":478.895,"endTime":483.357,"body":"as we're boarding, showering."},{"startTime":483.441,"endTime":485.443,"body":"So and he's like, fully lying down."},{"startTime":485.443,"endTime":486.819,"body":"And I was like, He doesn't look good."},{"startTime":486.819,"endTime":491.199,"body":"And so we walk past the pods, past"},{"startTime":486.819,"endTime":491.199,"body":"first class to our economy"},{"startTime":491.199,"endTime":495.953,"body":"or whatever main seats"},{"startTime":491.199,"endTime":495.953,"body":"and whatever they call it. Now"},{"startTime":496.037,"endTime":499.79,"body":"we're gonna,"},{"startTime":499.874,"endTime":500.208,"body":"you know."},{"startTime":500.208,"endTime":502.585,"body":"Basic economy. Basic is what it's called."},{"startTime":502.585,"endTime":506.38,"body":"And so then we're like,"},{"startTime":502.585,"endTime":506.38,"body":"you know, it's a seven hour flight,"},{"startTime":506.38,"endTime":509.383,"body":"2 hours in there like boom, boom."},{"startTime":509.467,"endTime":510.843,"body":"We're we have to."},{"startTime":510.843,"endTime":513.846,"body":"Make a medical emergency"},{"startTime":513.846,"endTime":517.85,"body":"stop to our nearest airport,"},{"startTime":513.846,"endTime":517.85,"body":"which is Dublin, Ireland."},{"startTime":517.934,"endTime":519.936,"body":"And are over the Atlantic. Yeah."},{"startTime":519.936,"endTime":522.605,"body":"And then they reroute us."},{"startTime":519.936,"endTime":522.605,"body":"We stop in Ireland."},{"startTime":522.605,"endTime":524.315,"body":"They're like, Everyone stay seated."},{"startTime":524.315,"endTime":527.193,"body":"And we're staying seated."},{"startTime":524.315,"endTime":527.193,"body":"It's like moment of silence."},{"startTime":527.193,"endTime":528.945,"body":"The paramedics come on."},{"startTime":528.945,"endTime":532.114,"body":"They're trying to resuscitate for,"},{"startTime":528.945,"endTime":532.114,"body":"like, 20 minutes."},{"startTime":532.114,"endTime":534.825,"body":"Wow. Discreet in that 20 minutes."},{"startTime":534.825,"endTime":536.41,"body":"What is everybody doing?"},{"startTime":536.41,"endTime":539.413,"body":"I would think that the plane"},{"startTime":536.41,"endTime":539.413,"body":"had been hijacked and stopping it."},{"startTime":539.58,"endTime":540.331,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":540.331,"endTime":541.332,"body":"Yeah, right."},{"startTime":541.332,"endTime":544.21,"body":"And then we're in the back and I'm like,"},{"startTime":541.332,"endTime":544.21,"body":"What's happening?"},{"startTime":544.21,"endTime":547.755,"body":"And we just see him saying, to resuscitate"},{"startTime":544.21,"endTime":547.755,"body":"everyone's quiet or on texting."},{"startTime":547.755,"endTime":550.049,"body":"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know."},{"startTime":550.132,"endTime":551.676,"body":"My boyfriend was posting about it."},{"startTime":551.676,"endTime":552.635,"body":"I'm like, Oh, but."},{"startTime":552.635,"endTime":555.638,"body":"I know that was how I found out about it."},{"startTime":555.638,"endTime":557.598,"body":"And my immediate thought was like,"},{"startTime":555.638,"endTime":557.598,"body":"Well, do they just like,"},{"startTime":557.598,"endTime":559.559,"body":"do you get an extra biscoff cookie?"},{"startTime":559.559,"endTime":561.644,"body":"No, nothing. We're waiting."},{"startTime":561.644,"endTime":564.188,"body":"And so then"},{"startTime":561.644,"endTime":564.188,"body":"they put a curtain around them."},{"startTime":564.188,"endTime":566.524,"body":"They're like, okay, I'm like, Either."},{"startTime":566.524,"endTime":569.443,"body":"He's doing a show or"},{"startTime":569.443,"endTime":573.864,"body":"he's about to come out and dance."},{"startTime":573.948,"endTime":578.244,"body":"Oh yeah, That's what started the whole."},{"startTime":578.286,"endTime":580.162,"body":"Where in the airplane was. He?"},{"startTime":580.162,"endTime":582.665,"body":"So he the cockpit in the pods, in the in."},{"startTime":582.665,"endTime":583.291,"body":"The front."},{"startTime":583.291,"endTime":585.543,"body":"Like the Red Sea. Oh, the cock. Okay."},{"startTime":585.543,"endTime":586.586,"body":"Like the Red Sea, the."},{"startTime":586.586,"endTime":589.38,"body":"Rich pods"},{"startTime":586.586,"endTime":589.38,"body":"where you know you have a pod. Yeah."},{"startTime":589.38,"endTime":591.007,"body":"So that's not first class anymore."},{"startTime":591.007,"endTime":591.591,"body":"It's something even."},{"startTime":591.591,"endTime":592.55,"body":"Above."},{"startTime":592.55,"endTime":595.428,"body":"I had no idea. There's another"},{"startTime":592.55,"endTime":595.428,"body":"on international flights, right? Yes."},{"startTime":595.428,"endTime":597.68,"body":"Where you got a small studio apartment."},{"startTime":597.68,"endTime":599.14,"body":"Yeah, on the plane."},{"startTime":599.14,"endTime":600.224,"body":"Yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":600.224,"endTime":602.56,"body":"So not only is he dying, but he's rich."},{"startTime":602.56,"endTime":605.813,"body":"He's."},{"startTime":602.56,"endTime":605.813,"body":"So it's a real bittersweet moment. Yeah."},{"startTime":605.855,"endTime":606.48,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":606.48,"endTime":606.897,"body":"And then."},{"startTime":606.897,"endTime":611.235,"body":"And he's all he was very old"},{"startTime":606.897,"endTime":611.235,"body":"and so they get him off the plane"},{"startTime":611.277,"endTime":614.989,"body":"final and then they come and sanitize"},{"startTime":611.277,"endTime":614.989,"body":"everything."},{"startTime":615.072,"endTime":616.782,"body":"Cause death is contagious, right?"},{"startTime":616.782,"endTime":617.617,"body":"It's gross."},{"startTime":617.617,"endTime":621.287,"body":"And then they were like,"},{"startTime":617.617,"endTime":621.287,"body":"okay, we're leaving in an hour."},{"startTime":621.287,"endTime":622.83,"body":"Everyone stay seated."},{"startTime":622.83,"endTime":624.373,"body":"And then we kept on flying."},{"startTime":624.373,"endTime":625.625,"body":"We just dropped them off."},{"startTime":625.625,"endTime":629.086,"body":"Did they offer"},{"startTime":625.625,"endTime":629.086,"body":"any kind of if anyone's uncomfortable"},{"startTime":629.17,"endTime":632.84,"body":"or here's a counselor engaged?"},{"startTime":632.923,"endTime":633.299,"body":"I was."},{"startTime":633.299,"endTime":635.259,"body":"Like, is the pod half of."},{"startTime":635.259,"endTime":636.052,"body":"This?"},{"startTime":636.052,"endTime":639.597,"body":"I'll pay for the half of it."},{"startTime":639.68,"endTime":640.473,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":640.473,"endTime":643.476,"body":"I can afford a pod. No one stayed at."},{"startTime":643.643,"endTime":644.894,"body":"A bunk to death."},{"startTime":644.894,"endTime":647.021,"body":"Yeah. Yeah. Well."},{"startTime":647.021,"endTime":648.064,"body":"I would have said."},{"startTime":648.064,"endTime":649.148,"body":"Yeah, Yeah."},{"startTime":649.148,"endTime":651.317,"body":"A pod is one of those things"},{"startTime":649.148,"endTime":651.317,"body":"where you can close like a door."},{"startTime":651.317,"endTime":652.735,"body":"Yeah, there's like, a little door."},{"startTime":652.735,"endTime":656.322,"body":"There's a little You can lie down, like,"},{"startTime":652.735,"endTime":656.322,"body":"fully lie down out of the way."},{"startTime":656.322,"endTime":658.616,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":656.322,"endTime":658.616,"body":"When you're feeling close to death. Right."},{"startTime":658.616,"endTime":661.619,"body":"I think the only time that I was in"},{"startTime":658.616,"endTime":661.619,"body":"that sort of a luxury"},{"startTime":661.619,"endTime":664.789,"body":"situation"},{"startTime":661.619,"endTime":664.789,"body":"was when it was upstairs on a flight."},{"startTime":664.997,"endTime":666.957,"body":"I mean, I guess the. Like, I've."},{"startTime":666.957,"endTime":668.709,"body":"Never been on upstairs."},{"startTime":668.709,"endTime":672.338,"body":"A twofer we did where we had to go to"},{"startTime":668.709,"endTime":672.338,"body":"fucking South Africa to find that plane."},{"startTime":672.338,"endTime":673.756,"body":"They don't make those anymore."},{"startTime":673.756,"endTime":674.382,"body":"Okay?"},{"startTime":674.382,"endTime":676.676,"body":"Everyone just act like it's"},{"startTime":674.382,"endTime":676.676,"body":"a normal flight after that. Yeah."},{"startTime":676.676,"endTime":680.763,"body":"And then everyone just kept on going,"},{"startTime":676.676,"endTime":680.763,"body":"and it was funny because someone behind me"},{"startTime":680.763,"endTime":685.059,"body":"was complaining about another old"},{"startTime":680.763,"endTime":685.059,"body":"man that couldn't find his book,"},{"startTime":685.142,"endTime":688.062,"body":"and he's like, This"},{"startTime":685.142,"endTime":688.062,"body":"man keeps asking me where his book is."},{"startTime":688.062,"endTime":691.482,"body":"And I'm frustrated, seated, and I'm like,"},{"startTime":688.062,"endTime":691.482,"body":"He might die, sir."},{"startTime":691.524,"endTime":692.858,"body":"Yeah,"},{"startTime":692.858,"endTime":694.235,"body":"we're"},{"startTime":694.235,"endTime":696.445,"body":"don't. Stress anybody out. On."},{"startTime":696.445,"endTime":698.322,"body":"Who had to sanitize that. Place."},{"startTime":698.322,"endTime":700.783,"body":"I don't know. It was a team."},{"startTime":698.322,"endTime":700.783,"body":"It was a team."},{"startTime":700.783,"endTime":702.785,"body":"And I was trying to, like, get photos."},{"startTime":702.785,"endTime":704.954,"body":"But, you know, I was far back. Yeah, Yeah."},{"startTime":704.954,"endTime":706.872,"body":"Really? See? Wow."},{"startTime":706.872,"endTime":710.167,"body":"Have you ever been on a plane"},{"startTime":706.872,"endTime":710.167,"body":"when they say, like, you land"},{"startTime":710.167,"endTime":711.794,"body":"and you never knew it,"},{"startTime":710.167,"endTime":711.794,"body":"and all of a sudden they're like,"},{"startTime":711.794,"endTime":715.423,"body":"and now everyone stay in their seats"},{"startTime":711.794,"endTime":715.423,"body":"while we remove, like, a military body."},{"startTime":715.423,"endTime":717.8,"body":"There's a body in the plane. Oh, no."},{"startTime":717.8,"endTime":719.343,"body":"They were already dead before takeoff."},{"startTime":719.343,"endTime":721.47,"body":"Like in a coffin. Yes, Yes."},{"startTime":721.47,"endTime":725.057,"body":"And sometimes there's usually,"},{"startTime":721.47,"endTime":725.057,"body":"like, a family escort or something."},{"startTime":725.141,"endTime":727.852,"body":"So then someone you might have pegged"},{"startTime":725.141,"endTime":727.852,"body":"as being like a really rude,"},{"startTime":727.852,"endTime":730.98,"body":"impatient passenger who was being snippy"},{"startTime":727.852,"endTime":730.98,"body":"with the flight attendants then stands up"},{"startTime":730.98,"endTime":732.189,"body":"and you realize they're a bitch"},{"startTime":732.189,"endTime":734.15,"body":"because they're escorting their dead"},{"startTime":732.189,"endTime":734.15,"body":"family member."},{"startTime":734.15,"endTime":736.986,"body":"Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":734.15,"endTime":736.986,"body":"I didn't know that was the thing."},{"startTime":736.986,"endTime":740.239,"body":"It's the only way that people behave"},{"startTime":736.986,"endTime":740.239,"body":"when we're deplaning."},{"startTime":740.322,"endTime":744.285,"body":"No one's fighting to get out of the seat"},{"startTime":740.322,"endTime":744.285,"body":"after the dead body goes first."},{"startTime":744.368,"endTime":745.035,"body":"Oh, gosh."},{"startTime":745.035,"endTime":749.498,"body":"I think they should stage that"},{"startTime":745.035,"endTime":749.498,"body":"just to get everybody in line."},{"startTime":749.498,"endTime":751.125,"body":"Yeah. Check their manners. Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":751.125,"endTime":754.587,"body":"Because people are, like, running out"},{"startTime":751.125,"endTime":754.587,"body":"from the back Now, you notice that?"},{"startTime":754.587,"endTime":757.214,"body":"Yeah. I'm like,"},{"startTime":754.587,"endTime":757.214,"body":"I thought there was a rule."},{"startTime":757.214,"endTime":759.258,"body":"Like,"},{"startTime":757.214,"endTime":759.258,"body":"you wait till you. Till you're right."},{"startTime":759.258,"endTime":759.884,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":759.884,"endTime":762.553,"body":"Yeah. Now there's, like, a mad dash."},{"startTime":759.884,"endTime":762.553,"body":"They're running."},{"startTime":762.553,"endTime":763.512,"body":"I'm like."},{"startTime":763.512,"endTime":765.473,"body":"Okay, I. Know."},{"startTime":765.473,"endTime":765.723,"body":"You know,"},{"startTime":765.723,"endTime":769.101,"body":"I was just as I remember coming back"},{"startTime":765.723,"endTime":769.101,"body":"from Australia, from Melbourne,"},{"startTime":769.101,"endTime":772.062,"body":"I'm doing a show"},{"startTime":769.101,"endTime":772.062,"body":"and actually it was one of the first times"},{"startTime":772.062,"endTime":775.941,"body":"I'd ever been on any TV specials"},{"startTime":772.062,"endTime":775.941,"body":"of the Comedy Central thing, and I think"},{"startTime":776.108,"endTime":777.443,"body":"they were calling it a world tour,"},{"startTime":777.443,"endTime":781.03,"body":"but it was just New York, Melbourne"},{"startTime":777.443,"endTime":781.03,"body":"and I think California."},{"startTime":781.113,"endTime":781.822,"body":"The world."},{"startTime":781.822,"endTime":785.451,"body":"Yeah, they're the world"},{"startTime":781.822,"endTime":785.451,"body":"in the cheapest way possible."},{"startTime":785.534,"endTime":786.911,"body":"Right? It's Comedy Central."},{"startTime":786.911,"endTime":789.33,"body":"So yeah, this is a great thing about it."},{"startTime":786.911,"endTime":789.33,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":789.33,"endTime":792.082,"body":"Going way to do a televised show"},{"startTime":792.082,"endTime":795.419,"body":"and then I didn't do that"},{"startTime":792.082,"endTime":795.419,"body":"well because I started out with this joke."},{"startTime":795.419,"endTime":800.007,"body":"I was like 24 or five I guess, And I said,"},{"startTime":795.419,"endTime":800.007,"body":"I'm a little nervous about tonight"},{"startTime":800.007,"endTime":803.469,"body":"because if I bomb, I'll be bombing"},{"startTime":800.007,"endTime":803.469,"body":"for two people because I'm pregnant."},{"startTime":803.469,"endTime":806.43,"body":"And then everybody applauds"},{"startTime":806.514,"endTime":807.64,"body":"and then everybody applauds."},{"startTime":807.64,"endTime":809.266,"body":"And I said, Please hold your applause."},{"startTime":809.266,"endTime":812.812,"body":"I'm not sure if I'm going to keep it."},{"startTime":812.895,"endTime":814.897,"body":"There's a silence and you can see that."},{"startTime":814.897,"endTime":817.817,"body":"It's like, okay, you know?"},{"startTime":817.817,"endTime":822.154,"body":"So I was like, Wow,"},{"startTime":817.817,"endTime":822.154,"body":"I have just bombed in front of a country."},{"startTime":822.238,"endTime":825.825,"body":"I have just,"},{"startTime":822.238,"endTime":825.825,"body":"you know, taken international."},{"startTime":825.825,"endTime":826.951,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":826.951,"endTime":829.328,"body":"And I might not even get home after that."},{"startTime":829.328,"endTime":831.58,"body":"I might go straight to, you know,"},{"startTime":829.328,"endTime":831.58,"body":"God knows what."},{"startTime":831.58,"endTime":834.458,"body":"So on anyway"},{"startTime":831.58,"endTime":834.458,"body":"but on the way that great joke."},{"startTime":834.458,"endTime":837.336,"body":"Yeah. Oh thanks. But everybody's"},{"startTime":834.458,"endTime":837.336,"body":"kind of like not talking to me afterward."},{"startTime":837.336,"endTime":840.673,"body":"And then on the way back,"},{"startTime":837.336,"endTime":840.673,"body":"I guess I'm sick from whatever."},{"startTime":840.673,"endTime":842.466,"body":"Like, you know, the baby."},{"startTime":842.466,"endTime":844.718,"body":"The baby."},{"startTime":844.718,"endTime":845.511,"body":"The morning sickness."},{"startTime":845.511,"endTime":848.347,"body":"Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but yeah."},{"startTime":848.347,"endTime":852.518,"body":"So on the way back, I feel like flu"},{"startTime":848.347,"endTime":852.518,"body":"ish or whatever, and I'm way in the back."},{"startTime":852.518,"endTime":854.52,"body":"And the bathrooms are all full."},{"startTime":854.52,"endTime":857.857,"body":"And so I say to the stewardess,"},{"startTime":854.52,"endTime":857.857,"body":"I think I'm going to be sick."},{"startTime":857.857,"endTime":858.732,"body":"Can I go there?"},{"startTime":858.732,"endTime":861.61,"body":"And she goes, No, that's you know,"},{"startTime":858.732,"endTime":861.61,"body":"that's first class"},{"startTime":861.61,"endTime":863.487,"body":"I like cause it was just first"},{"startTime":861.61,"endTime":863.487,"body":"and then everybody else. Yeah."},{"startTime":863.487,"endTime":865.197,"body":"And I said, But I'm really sick."},{"startTime":865.197,"endTime":866.949,"body":"And that's the only bathroom that's not."},{"startTime":866.949,"endTime":868.2,"body":"I'm sorry."},{"startTime":868.2,"endTime":870.536,"body":"So then I'm like, I have to."},{"startTime":870.536,"endTime":872.246,"body":"And she says, You really can't."},{"startTime":872.246,"endTime":873.998,"body":"I vomited on the door."},{"startTime":873.998,"endTime":877.334,"body":"Yes. Yeah, I threw up on."},{"startTime":877.334,"endTime":879.92,"body":"That as I'm about to go find it."},{"startTime":879.92,"endTime":883.465,"body":"And then she let you know that"},{"startTime":879.92,"endTime":883.465,"body":"she'll let me in to, like, clean up what."},{"startTime":883.507,"endTime":884.383,"body":"I was going to say."},{"startTime":884.383,"endTime":886.176,"body":"And then she recognized you? Yeah. Oh,"},{"startTime":884.383,"endTime":886.176,"body":"my God."},{"startTime":886.176,"endTime":887.261,"body":"You're Carly. Now?"},{"startTime":887.261,"endTime":888.596,"body":"Oh, I never get recognized."},{"startTime":888.596,"endTime":891.098,"body":"I'd be like, Ma'am, I'm serious."},{"startTime":891.098,"endTime":893.225,"body":"You can't go. There."},{"startTime":893.309,"endTime":894.351,"body":"I just threw up on the door."},{"startTime":894.351,"endTime":896.645,"body":"I'm okay. Yeah."},{"startTime":896.645,"endTime":900.524,"body":"But can you imagine, like, I mean,"},{"startTime":896.645,"endTime":900.524,"body":"I could tell, too, that I was just like."},{"startTime":900.524,"endTime":902.86,"body":"I was like,"},{"startTime":900.524,"endTime":902.86,"body":"everything was sweating, So. So, yeah."},{"startTime":902.86,"endTime":904.028,"body":"So I threw up on the door."},{"startTime":904.028,"endTime":906.697,"body":"I mean, I didn't do that intentionally."},{"startTime":904.028,"endTime":906.697,"body":"I was just like, okay."},{"startTime":906.697,"endTime":908.449,"body":"It was an act of rebellion."},{"startTime":908.449,"endTime":910.951,"body":"So then she let me in to kind of clean up."},{"startTime":910.951,"endTime":913.245,"body":"That happened to me fucking church camp."},{"startTime":913.245,"endTime":916.874,"body":"The only time I went to church camp, three"},{"startTime":913.245,"endTime":916.874,"body":"of the most miserable days of my life,"},{"startTime":917.082,"endTime":918.792,"body":"I never knew."},{"startTime":917.082,"endTime":918.792,"body":"I actually like my parents did."},{"startTime":918.792,"endTime":920.836,"body":"I mean, where you go somewhere, you're"},{"startTime":918.792,"endTime":920.836,"body":"like, Oh, my God, I want to go home."},{"startTime":920.836,"endTime":923.255,"body":"I mean. I knew."},{"startTime":923.255,"endTime":927.217,"body":"And it was the last day long story of days"},{"startTime":923.255,"endTime":927.217,"body":"of Misery, and it was the last day."},{"startTime":927.217,"endTime":930.679,"body":"I've been humiliated several times"},{"startTime":927.217,"endTime":930.679,"body":"in front of large groups."},{"startTime":930.763,"endTime":934.642,"body":"I've been escorted to the infirmary"},{"startTime":930.763,"endTime":934.642,"body":"more than one."},{"startTime":934.725,"endTime":937.311,"body":"Oh, now, these are three days, period."},{"startTime":937.311,"endTime":939.146,"body":"I'm the final."},{"startTime":937.311,"endTime":939.146,"body":"I think I told you this on the last day."},{"startTime":939.146,"endTime":942.066,"body":"I'm tall, so they put me on the back"},{"startTime":939.146,"endTime":942.066,"body":"row of the photo right there."},{"startTime":942.066,"endTime":944.902,"body":"Taken a group photo of all 300"},{"startTime":942.066,"endTime":944.902,"body":"fucking Methodists."},{"startTime":944.902,"endTime":947.571,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":944.902,"endTime":947.571,"body":"Who cares? We're all nine and under."},{"startTime":947.571,"endTime":948.572,"body":"Oh, I'm one of the tests."},{"startTime":948.572,"endTime":950.783,"body":"They put us on the back row,"},{"startTime":948.572,"endTime":950.783,"body":"and then that's the first row."},{"startTime":950.783,"endTime":953.744,"body":"So they're trying to get"},{"startTime":950.783,"endTime":953.744,"body":"all the other kids in line one or two."},{"startTime":953.744,"endTime":955.162,"body":"Wait, wait."},{"startTime":955.162,"endTime":957.665,"body":"Hot, roaring Texas summer sun."},{"startTime":957.665,"endTime":960.793,"body":"All the people helping us are just moms"},{"startTime":957.665,"endTime":960.793,"body":"right there, ladies."},{"startTime":960.793,"endTime":962.378,"body":"They're old Christian ladies. They're."},{"startTime":962.378,"endTime":965.047,"body":"They're overwhelmed and it's hot."},{"startTime":965.047,"endTime":966.799,"body":"And so I'm the same thing."},{"startTime":966.799,"endTime":969.051,"body":"You you know, the feeling."},{"startTime":966.799,"endTime":969.051,"body":"It's like, different."},{"startTime":969.051,"endTime":970.594,"body":"And you're like,"},{"startTime":969.051,"endTime":970.594,"body":"something is about to go wrong."},{"startTime":970.594,"endTime":973.597,"body":"And I'm trying to be I'm"},{"startTime":970.594,"endTime":973.597,"body":"staying in my spot"},{"startTime":973.806,"endTime":976.392,"body":"trying to say no to this old bitch"},{"startTime":973.806,"endTime":976.392,"body":"at the end of the line."},{"startTime":976.392,"endTime":978.31,"body":"And she's like, waving me down."},{"startTime":978.31,"endTime":979.812,"body":"There's more important things to happen."},{"startTime":979.812,"endTime":982.398,"body":"And finally I'm like, Hey."},{"startTime":982.481,"endTime":984.733,"body":"And she's like, She just says, Watch them"},{"startTime":982.481,"endTime":984.733,"body":"come over."},{"startTime":984.733,"endTime":986.443,"body":"She's like, I'm sick."},{"startTime":986.443,"endTime":988.362,"body":"And she goes,"},{"startTime":986.443,"endTime":988.362,"body":"It'll be over in just a few minutes."},{"startTime":988.362,"endTime":990.906,"body":"And without even blinking,"},{"startTime":988.362,"endTime":990.906,"body":"I just turn and just barfed."},{"startTime":990.906,"endTime":994.076,"body":"Luckily, on the I'm on the back row,"},{"startTime":990.906,"endTime":994.076,"body":"so turn a bar from the grass."},{"startTime":994.201,"endTime":997.579,"body":"Yeah, but then immediately"},{"startTime":994.201,"endTime":997.579,"body":"that lady knew she'd fucked up, right?"},{"startTime":997.663,"endTime":998.455,"body":"Immediately."},{"startTime":998.455,"endTime":1000.958,"body":"Because then it was like,"},{"startTime":998.455,"endTime":1000.958,"body":"all set, like for, like."},{"startTime":1000.958,"endTime":1001.792,"body":"So everything's fine."},{"startTime":1001.792,"endTime":1002.459,"body":"Like, trying to get."},{"startTime":1002.459,"endTime":1004.878,"body":"Oh, my gosh, baby. I'm so sorry."},{"startTime":1002.459,"endTime":1004.878,"body":"Come here."},{"startTime":1004.878,"endTime":1005.754,"body":"Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":1005.754,"endTime":1008.632,"body":"Which is."},{"startTime":1005.754,"endTime":1008.632,"body":"I feel the lawsuit coming. Exactly. Yeah."},{"startTime":1008.632,"endTime":1011.552,"body":"Meanwhile, all the other kids are like,"},{"startTime":1008.632,"endTime":1011.552,"body":"what they see that I'm just like."},{"startTime":1011.552,"endTime":1014.763,"body":"So then that was like the third time"},{"startTime":1011.552,"endTime":1014.763,"body":"I had to be escorted here."},{"startTime":1014.763,"endTime":1016.056,"body":"Forever."},{"startTime":1016.056,"endTime":1017.558,"body":"In front of all the other kids."},{"startTime":1017.558,"endTime":1019.643,"body":"You know, that's the worst."},{"startTime":1019.643,"endTime":1022.938,"body":"Having to be sick while following rules."},{"startTime":1023.022,"endTime":1024.898,"body":"What's the word?"},{"startTime":1024.982,"endTime":1027.568,"body":"I read"},{"startTime":1024.982,"endTime":1027.568,"body":"something I want to ask you about now."},{"startTime":1027.568,"endTime":1029.945,"body":"You were a teacher."},{"startTime":1027.568,"endTime":1029.945,"body":"You were a grade school or a preschool."},{"startTime":1029.945,"endTime":1031.53,"body":"Preschool. You had three year old."},{"startTime":1031.53,"endTime":1032.656,"body":"Oh, geez, I."},{"startTime":1032.656,"endTime":1035.034,"body":"Know a. Quarter"},{"startTime":1032.656,"endTime":1035.034,"body":"three year olds even doing in. School."},{"startTime":1035.034,"endTime":1038.162,"body":"They're just shitting and pissing them"},{"startTime":1035.034,"endTime":1038.162,"body":"so they don't even know."},{"startTime":1038.162,"endTime":1041.623,"body":"I was like, in charge"},{"startTime":1038.162,"endTime":1041.623,"body":"of the potty training."},{"startTime":1041.623,"endTime":1045.21,"body":"And my parents, for real, were like,"},{"startTime":1041.623,"endTime":1045.21,"body":"Oh, yeah, you potty trained them."},{"startTime":1045.21,"endTime":1047.046,"body":"I'm like, No, you're supposed to."},{"startTime":1047.046,"endTime":1048.505,"body":"No, that's awful. I'm not."},{"startTime":1048.505,"endTime":1052.468,"body":"But I feel like now"},{"startTime":1048.505,"endTime":1052.468,"body":"I'm pretty good at potty training dogs."},{"startTime":1052.468,"endTime":1057.014,"body":"And I'm like, I'm on a 30 minute,"},{"startTime":1052.468,"endTime":1057.014,"body":"let's go."},{"startTime":1057.181,"endTime":1058.807,"body":"Just go sit there."},{"startTime":1058.807,"endTime":1059.808,"body":"Deprive them. Food."},{"startTime":1059.808,"endTime":1060.392,"body":"Yeah, Yeah."},{"startTime":1060.392,"endTime":1063.228,"body":"They're number one. Like,"},{"startTime":1060.392,"endTime":1063.228,"body":"keep them on the toilet. Yeah."},{"startTime":1063.228,"endTime":1066.774,"body":"My mom is that they call her,"},{"startTime":1063.228,"endTime":1066.774,"body":"they call her the shit whisperer"},{"startTime":1066.857,"endTime":1070.194,"body":"because she, they,"},{"startTime":1066.857,"endTime":1070.194,"body":"my cousins would send their kids to my mom"},{"startTime":1070.194,"endTime":1073.197,"body":"because she could,"},{"startTime":1070.194,"endTime":1073.197,"body":"she could make the deal happen."},{"startTime":1073.322,"endTime":1074.907,"body":"Is it fun to be around kids all the time?"},{"startTime":1074.907,"endTime":1075.991,"body":"Oh, yeah, I miss it."},{"startTime":1075.991,"endTime":1077.159,"body":"I loved kids."},{"startTime":1077.159,"endTime":1080.537,"body":"I was scared of the age at first,"},{"startTime":1077.159,"endTime":1080.537,"body":"but now I think older kids"},{"startTime":1080.537,"endTime":1081.663,"body":"I would be more scared of."},{"startTime":1081.663,"endTime":1083.457,"body":"Yeah, I think three year olds."},{"startTime":1083.457,"endTime":1087.503,"body":"It's fun"},{"startTime":1083.457,"endTime":1087.503,"body":"because you can lie and they believe you."},{"startTime":1087.586,"endTime":1087.753,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":1087.753,"endTime":1088.295,"body":"And older."},{"startTime":1088.295,"endTime":1089.129,"body":"Kids can."},{"startTime":1089.129,"endTime":1091.507,"body":"Buy a gun. Well, hey, they're probably."},{"startTime":1091.507,"endTime":1094.093,"body":"They're probably better off"},{"startTime":1091.507,"endTime":1094.093,"body":"putting their finger in the,"},{"startTime":1094.093,"endTime":1096.261,"body":"you know, where you can get"},{"startTime":1094.093,"endTime":1096.261,"body":"it really hit the trigger."},{"startTime":1096.261,"endTime":1097.221,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1097.221,"endTime":1099.807,"body":"They put. A little bit of force. Behind."},{"startTime":1099.807,"endTime":1100.015,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1100.015,"endTime":1102.059,"body":"The three year olds in Texas"},{"startTime":1100.015,"endTime":1102.059,"body":"also had guns."},{"startTime":1102.059,"endTime":1104.603,"body":"Yeah, they're all panicking."},{"startTime":1102.059,"endTime":1104.603,"body":"Yeah, I was going to. Say. Lord."},{"startTime":1104.603,"endTime":1107.523,"body":"But is when Like, it's"},{"startTime":1104.603,"endTime":1107.523,"body":"the parents that are scary. Right?"},{"startTime":1107.523,"endTime":1111.902,"body":"Yeah, the parents are, are annoying"},{"startTime":1107.523,"endTime":1111.902,"body":"and that was hard."},{"startTime":1111.902,"endTime":1115.447,"body":"And also I had like some teachers"},{"startTime":1111.902,"endTime":1115.447,"body":"that I got along with,"},{"startTime":1115.447,"endTime":1120.244,"body":"but then others didn't like me"},{"startTime":1115.447,"endTime":1120.244,"body":"because they knew I didn't care."},{"startTime":1120.327,"endTime":1121.203,"body":"I was out."},{"startTime":1121.203,"endTime":1123.163,"body":"They were like,"},{"startTime":1121.203,"endTime":1123.163,"body":"you know, you're always on your phone."},{"startTime":1123.163,"endTime":1125.874,"body":"I'm like, Yeah, I'm trying to do comedy."},{"startTime":1125.958,"endTime":1127.584,"body":"Like, like what would you."},{"startTime":1127.584,"endTime":1130.003,"body":"What are you supposed to be doing"},{"startTime":1127.584,"endTime":1130.003,"body":"other than that with kids?"},{"startTime":1130.003,"endTime":1132.297,"body":"Like, no,"},{"startTime":1130.003,"endTime":1132.297,"body":"you have lessons to work out with them."},{"startTime":1132.297,"endTime":1133.09,"body":"And I mean."},{"startTime":1133.09,"endTime":1135.551,"body":"I'm like, what lessons are three, right?"},{"startTime":1135.551,"endTime":1139.054,"body":"Either, But the shit on the floor"},{"startTime":1135.551,"endTime":1139.054,"body":"needs to be, like, cleaned up, right?"},{"startTime":1139.096,"endTime":1141.265,"body":"The one thing about,"},{"startTime":1139.096,"endTime":1141.265,"body":"like, people don't understand"},{"startTime":1141.265,"endTime":1143.892,"body":"is that teachers are just having"},{"startTime":1141.265,"endTime":1143.892,"body":"these kids dropped."},{"startTime":1143.892,"endTime":1145.352,"body":"Off their babysitters."},{"startTime":1145.352,"endTime":1146.186,"body":"Yeah, there's this."},{"startTime":1146.186,"endTime":1149.731,"body":"All these really like things you're"},{"startTime":1146.186,"endTime":1149.731,"body":"supposed to fill in that the parents."},{"startTime":1149.898,"endTime":1152.901,"body":"And then there's a parent company"},{"startTime":1149.898,"endTime":1152.901,"body":"like my kid smells like urine."},{"startTime":1153.068,"endTime":1154.194,"body":"No, never that."},{"startTime":1154.194,"endTime":1155.821,"body":"But one parent was like, Oh,"},{"startTime":1155.821,"endTime":1159.449,"body":"my brother's daughter is learning"},{"startTime":1155.821,"endTime":1159.449,"body":"cursive at her preschool."},{"startTime":1159.449,"endTime":1161.869,"body":"I'm like, Tell your daughter"},{"startTime":1159.449,"endTime":1161.869,"body":"to stop shitting herself."},{"startTime":1161.869,"endTime":1163.662,"body":"Yeah, I."},{"startTime":1163.745,"endTime":1165.372,"body":"We can work on cursive."},{"startTime":1165.372,"endTime":1166.665,"body":"Hold a pencil."},{"startTime":1166.665,"endTime":1168.333,"body":"Hey, like she can."},{"startTime":1168.333,"endTime":1169.877,"body":"What are you talking about?"},{"startTime":1169.877,"endTime":1172.254,"body":"Because in Texas, is it like,"},{"startTime":1169.877,"endTime":1172.254,"body":"Yeah, what happens if you like?"},{"startTime":1172.254,"endTime":1174.298,"body":"The principle"},{"startTime":1172.254,"endTime":1174.298,"body":"is that the number one and I mean, like."},{"startTime":1174.298,"endTime":1177.509,"body":"Oh, yeah, I mean that we had a hard"},{"startTime":1174.298,"endTime":1177.509,"body":"principle, I guess."},{"startTime":1177.509,"endTime":1179.761,"body":"Principle. It's a daycare, you know."},{"startTime":1179.761,"endTime":1182.389,"body":"And I definitely"},{"startTime":1179.761,"endTime":1182.389,"body":"I think the person who hired me,"},{"startTime":1182.389,"endTime":1186.727,"body":"she wasn't working there long"},{"startTime":1182.389,"endTime":1186.727,"body":"after I was hired, but she did me a favor"},{"startTime":1186.768,"endTime":1190.23,"body":"because I have a theater degree"},{"startTime":1186.768,"endTime":1190.23,"body":"and she was like, well,"},{"startTime":1190.23,"endTime":1194.484,"body":"you should have like,"},{"startTime":1190.23,"endTime":1194.484,"body":"you know, a child care classes."},{"startTime":1194.484,"endTime":1196.069,"body":"I'm like, I have none."},{"startTime":1196.069,"endTime":1198.155,"body":"So I was like, I just need a job."},{"startTime":1198.155,"endTime":1201.45,"body":"And she's like, okay, well, yeah,"},{"startTime":1198.155,"endTime":1201.45,"body":"we'll figure something out for you."},{"startTime":1201.45,"endTime":1205.162,"body":"And then she got fired"},{"startTime":1201.45,"endTime":1205.162,"body":"and I was like, Well, I'm. So, yeah."},{"startTime":1205.245,"endTime":1207.164,"body":"Six years later, I'm still there."},{"startTime":1207.164,"endTime":1208.874,"body":"Babysit. That is crazy."},{"startTime":1208.874,"endTime":1209.041,"body":"Well, you."},{"startTime":1209.041,"endTime":1213.295,"body":"Know it to a bit like it in any kind of"},{"startTime":1209.041,"endTime":1213.295,"body":"interview, especially that you can tell"},{"startTime":1213.295,"endTime":1217.716,"body":"when someone has a lot of heart"},{"startTime":1213.295,"endTime":1217.716,"body":"and is kind and kind of an empath."},{"startTime":1217.925,"endTime":1219.134,"body":"Oh and that's what you got."},{"startTime":1219.134,"endTime":1221.345,"body":"You know,"},{"startTime":1219.134,"endTime":1221.345,"body":"Vanessa has a really warm vibe for."},{"startTime":1221.345,"endTime":1224.181,"body":"So I would think. You know, like,"},{"startTime":1221.345,"endTime":1224.181,"body":"this. Is the real deal. Yeah."},{"startTime":1224.181,"endTime":1224.681,"body":"You know."},{"startTime":1224.681,"endTime":1228.018,"body":"You can tell like if somebody is kind of"},{"startTime":1224.681,"endTime":1228.018,"body":"standoffish in an interview or"},{"startTime":1228.018,"endTime":1231.355,"body":"if they're saying really pat things like,"},{"startTime":1228.018,"endTime":1231.355,"body":"I was talking to this friend of mine"},{"startTime":1231.355,"endTime":1235.15,"body":"about what we used to say when I said"},{"startTime":1231.355,"endTime":1235.15,"body":"just to get a job at Ponderosa."},{"startTime":1235.15,"endTime":1236.735,"body":"I love being with people."},{"startTime":1236.735,"endTime":1239.404,"body":"Yeah, yeah, I love all lines."},{"startTime":1239.404,"endTime":1241.073,"body":"It's like, Come on, I know."},{"startTime":1241.073,"endTime":1243.283,"body":"I had a theater teacher"},{"startTime":1241.073,"endTime":1243.283,"body":"who is. She's this old crone."},{"startTime":1243.283,"endTime":1245.953,"body":"I wouldn't even call her."},{"startTime":1243.283,"endTime":1245.953,"body":"We were best. All theater teachers are."},{"startTime":1245.953,"endTime":1246.912,"body":"Her name was Mist"},{"startTime":1246.912,"endTime":1251.124,"body":"Haven, which, like a male to have anything"},{"startTime":1246.912,"endTime":1251.124,"body":"with a D in front of it, Right?"},{"startTime":1251.124,"endTime":1255.629,"body":"Yeah, I at first of all, her husband"},{"startTime":1251.124,"endTime":1255.629,"body":"was the resident substitute teacher,"},{"startTime":1255.837,"endTime":1259.341,"body":"so any time a teacher was out,"},{"startTime":1255.837,"endTime":1259.341,"body":"it was him who was the subject that."},{"startTime":1259.424,"endTime":1261.593,"body":"But it was brilliant"},{"startTime":1259.424,"endTime":1261.593,"body":"because he'd be on, on like finals days"},{"startTime":1261.593,"endTime":1263.553,"body":"and things when you could cheat openly."},{"startTime":1261.593,"endTime":1263.553,"body":"It was great."},{"startTime":1263.553,"endTime":1266.848,"body":"Oh. She taught me the phrase"},{"startTime":1263.553,"endTime":1266.848,"body":"kindred spirits, right?"},{"startTime":1266.89,"endTime":1270.394,"body":"Because she reconnected all"},{"startTime":1266.89,"endTime":1270.394,"body":"kinds of old Vangie levels,"},{"startTime":1270.477,"endTime":1273.272,"body":"but it got to the point because I was late"},{"startTime":1270.477,"endTime":1273.272,"body":"all the time, right?"},{"startTime":1273.272,"endTime":1276.9,"body":"So I'd get into class"},{"startTime":1273.272,"endTime":1276.9,"body":"and to erase my lateness,"},{"startTime":1276.9,"endTime":1279.361,"body":"she'd go, Daniel,"},{"startTime":1276.9,"endTime":1279.361,"body":"thank you for running that errand."},{"startTime":1279.361,"endTime":1281.905,"body":"Oh, she would cover for no reason, right?"},{"startTime":1281.905,"endTime":1283.156,"body":"For no. Sweetie."},{"startTime":1283.156,"endTime":1284.283,"body":"That's nice."},{"startTime":1284.283,"endTime":1286.243,"body":"So we would get into these things"},{"startTime":1284.283,"endTime":1286.243,"body":"that she'd be, like, dangling"},{"startTime":1286.243,"endTime":1287.244,"body":"to see you at my desk."},{"startTime":1287.244,"endTime":1290.706,"body":"And I'd come up to the desk and she'd hold"},{"startTime":1287.244,"endTime":1290.706,"body":"up, like, the attendance card,"},{"startTime":1290.789,"endTime":1291.456,"body":"and she'd be like,"},{"startTime":1291.456,"endTime":1295.377,"body":"that bitch in the vice principal's office,"},{"startTime":1291.456,"endTime":1295.377,"body":"and she'd bitch about the staff, right?"},{"startTime":1295.46,"endTime":1296.211,"body":"Oh, I won't."},{"startTime":1296.211,"endTime":1298.213,"body":"But one time she was bitching"},{"startTime":1296.211,"endTime":1298.213,"body":"about the vice principal."},{"startTime":1298.213,"endTime":1301.758,"body":"She goes, She was like, That bitch just"},{"startTime":1298.213,"endTime":1301.758,"body":"wants her pension because you just need."},{"startTime":1301.758,"endTime":1304.761,"body":"Two. Years. Then you collect it, right?"},{"startTime":1304.803,"endTime":1306.763,"body":"And she's like,"},{"startTime":1304.803,"endTime":1306.763,"body":"because she was saying that I can tell"},{"startTime":1306.763,"endTime":1309.057,"body":"that bitch doesn't like kids from day"},{"startTime":1306.763,"endTime":1309.057,"body":"one, right?"},{"startTime":1309.057,"endTime":1311.643,"body":"Yeah, I love that."},{"startTime":1309.057,"endTime":1311.643,"body":"And she taught you a pension was."},{"startTime":1311.643,"endTime":1313.353,"body":"Yeah, she's not me,"},{"startTime":1313.353,"endTime":1315.897,"body":"but she also taught me"},{"startTime":1313.353,"endTime":1315.897,"body":"how to put on, like, wicked witch makeup."},{"startTime":1315.897,"endTime":1320.569,"body":"Oh, see, I had a teacher in high school"},{"startTime":1315.897,"endTime":1320.569,"body":"that was a total bitch."},{"startTime":1320.569,"endTime":1324.031,"body":"And if I was a minute late,"},{"startTime":1320.569,"endTime":1324.031,"body":"she would call my mom."},{"startTime":1324.031,"endTime":1327.951,"body":"Oh, now, every day"},{"startTime":1324.031,"endTime":1327.951,"body":"I'm a senior in high school. I'm"},{"startTime":1328.035,"endTime":1328.702,"body":"an adult."},{"startTime":1328.702,"endTime":1331.538,"body":"And her name was Miss Gonzalez also."},{"startTime":1331.538,"endTime":1336.626,"body":"Oh, So my mom would play me"},{"startTime":1331.538,"endTime":1336.626,"body":"her work messages and it would be my bitch"},{"startTime":1336.626,"endTime":1341.131,"body":"teacher being like, Miss Gonzalez,"},{"startTime":1336.626,"endTime":1341.131,"body":"this is Miss Gonzalez."},{"startTime":1341.214,"endTime":1346.178,"body":"Vanessa Leslie again,"},{"startTime":1341.214,"endTime":1346.178,"body":"and I think she'll get over. It."},{"startTime":1346.261,"endTime":1348.513,"body":"Your mom was because."},{"startTime":1346.261,"endTime":1348.513,"body":"You thought that was funny?"},{"startTime":1348.513,"endTime":1351.516,"body":"Oh, because my mom was always late"},{"startTime":1348.513,"endTime":1351.516,"body":"to everywhere."},{"startTime":1351.516,"endTime":1352.351,"body":"Yeah. And I'm in."},{"startTime":1352.351,"endTime":1354.519,"body":"My mom's like,"},{"startTime":1352.351,"endTime":1354.519,"body":"Come and listen to Ms.. Gonzalez."},{"startTime":1354.519,"endTime":1356.355,"body":"This is misconception. Oh, my. God."},{"startTime":1356.355,"endTime":1357.898,"body":"I only say it to this day."},{"startTime":1357.898,"endTime":1360.817,"body":"We're like. Miss Gonzalez,"},{"startTime":1357.898,"endTime":1360.817,"body":"this is Miss Gonzalez."},{"startTime":1360.817,"endTime":1364.029,"body":"I love that"},{"startTime":1360.817,"endTime":1364.029,"body":"my friends were the total opposite."},{"startTime":1364.112,"endTime":1365.822,"body":"Because our junior high did it."},{"startTime":1365.822,"endTime":1371.244,"body":"If you failed a test or a quiz,"},{"startTime":1365.822,"endTime":1371.244,"body":"not a life change, just a random quiz."},{"startTime":1371.244,"endTime":1376.792,"body":"If you got below a 70, your name would be"},{"startTime":1371.244,"endTime":1376.792,"body":"plugged into a system and a machine."},{"startTime":1376.792,"endTime":1382.172,"body":"You'd get robocalls that night because to"},{"startTime":1376.792,"endTime":1382.172,"body":"inform your parents that you had failed."},{"startTime":1382.172,"endTime":1382.589,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1382.589,"endTime":1384.508,"body":"And it was a recording"},{"startTime":1382.589,"endTime":1384.508,"body":"of the principal, Mr."},{"startTime":1384.508,"endTime":1386.76,"body":"Irwin MATTHEWS,"},{"startTime":1384.508,"endTime":1386.76,"body":"who would mumble to himself."},{"startTime":1386.76,"endTime":1389.096,"body":"And we always said"},{"startTime":1386.76,"endTime":1389.096,"body":"he was talking to his dead son for all the"},{"startTime":1389.096,"endTime":1391.056,"body":"sons that killed themselves."},{"startTime":1391.139,"endTime":1394.142,"body":"But anyway, so the"},{"startTime":1394.351,"endTime":1397.771,"body":"recording would go,"},{"startTime":1394.351,"endTime":1397.771,"body":"This is Irwin MATTHEWS."},{"startTime":1397.771,"endTime":1401.817,"body":"Your student failed a quiz or test"},{"startTime":1397.771,"endTime":1401.817,"body":"and their"},{"startTime":1401.9,"endTime":1405.237,"body":"and their history"},{"startTime":1401.9,"endTime":1405.237,"body":"and or math science program today. Yes."},{"startTime":1405.237,"endTime":1407.614,"body":"And then it would click right."},{"startTime":1405.237,"endTime":1407.614,"body":"So two things would happen."},{"startTime":1407.614,"endTime":1409.616,"body":"You just try to intercept the phone"},{"startTime":1407.614,"endTime":1409.616,"body":"call, right?"},{"startTime":1409.616,"endTime":1414.079,"body":"So all night you'd be racing to the phone"},{"startTime":1409.616,"endTime":1414.079,"body":"every time it rang. Oh."},{"startTime":1414.162,"endTime":1415.622,"body":"And then if you happened to catch it"},{"startTime":1415.622,"endTime":1417.791,"body":"when it was the machine,"},{"startTime":1415.622,"endTime":1417.791,"body":"you'd have to make a phone call."},{"startTime":1417.791,"endTime":1420.085,"body":"Oh, a quick. Oh, hi."},{"startTime":1420.085,"endTime":1422.295,"body":"Okay, great. Bye. Yeah."},{"startTime":1422.295,"endTime":1425.841,"body":"But then there were times"},{"startTime":1422.295,"endTime":1425.841,"body":"you just couldn't write and you'd know it"},{"startTime":1426.049,"endTime":1429.386,"body":"because you'd hear a hello,"},{"startTime":1426.049,"endTime":1429.386,"body":"and then there'd be silence"},{"startTime":1429.386,"endTime":1433.098,"body":"as they listened to the robo"},{"startTime":1429.386,"endTime":1433.098,"body":"call outing your failure."},{"startTime":1433.181,"endTime":1437.018,"body":"But then hands on, every time I'd come"},{"startTime":1433.181,"endTime":1437.018,"body":"in, he'd come sliding in the room."},{"startTime":1437.018,"endTime":1441.189,"body":"All PESCO de Prensa people just call."},{"startTime":1441.273,"endTime":1443.984,"body":"It's a reverse answering machine,"},{"startTime":1441.273,"endTime":1443.984,"body":"you fucking idiot."},{"startTime":1443.984,"endTime":1445.318,"body":"It's not."},{"startTime":1445.318,"endTime":1447.737,"body":"It's not. Irwin MATTHEWS automated the."},{"startTime":1447.737,"endTime":1452.617,"body":"Principal just had to call us to tell us"},{"startTime":1447.737,"endTime":1452.617,"body":"you failed a spelling test."},{"startTime":1452.701,"endTime":1454.619,"body":"But he took it so seriously. No."},{"startTime":1454.619,"endTime":1457.08,"body":"And every time I do, I said that recently."},{"startTime":1457.08,"endTime":1458.457,"body":"I'm like, I appreciate that."},{"startTime":1458.457,"endTime":1462.294,"body":"My mom, she was like, Get C's, whatever."},{"startTime":1462.294,"endTime":1464.421,"body":"Just to get my A's aren't important."},{"startTime":1464.421,"endTime":1466.506,"body":"And I'm like, Yeah, I should like grades."},{"startTime":1466.506,"endTime":1470.886,"body":"She didn't instill perfectionism in me,"},{"startTime":1466.506,"endTime":1470.886,"body":"which has helped me a lot."},{"startTime":1470.886,"endTime":1471.928,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":1471.928,"endTime":1475.807,"body":"She's always like, Girl, whatever you need"},{"startTime":1471.928,"endTime":1475.807,"body":"to do, do the minimum just to get by."},{"startTime":1475.807,"endTime":1479.144,"body":"I'm like, Great, honey. German."},{"startTime":1479.227,"endTime":1481.605,"body":"You know,"},{"startTime":1479.227,"endTime":1481.605,"body":"I think just teachers in general,"},{"startTime":1481.605,"endTime":1484.274,"body":"the ones that truly love"},{"startTime":1481.605,"endTime":1484.274,"body":"kids are an amazing breed."},{"startTime":1484.274,"endTime":1487.527,"body":"Like my like Jared's mom is a teacher."},{"startTime":1487.569,"endTime":1488.612,"body":"She's incredible."},{"startTime":1488.612,"endTime":1491.99,"body":"Like, she always brings in these"},{"startTime":1488.612,"endTime":1491.99,"body":"amazing things to talk about."},{"startTime":1491.99,"endTime":1492.365,"body":"Really."},{"startTime":1492.365,"endTime":1495.41,"body":"She got an actual octopus"},{"startTime":1492.365,"endTime":1495.41,"body":"that was already dead"},{"startTime":1495.577,"endTime":1499.414,"body":"and brought it in to show the kids"},{"startTime":1495.577,"endTime":1499.414,"body":"to be able to touch and look at it."},{"startTime":1499.414,"endTime":1502.417,"body":"You know, like, I mean,"},{"startTime":1499.414,"endTime":1502.417,"body":"it was in a school thing, but she was."},{"startTime":1502.417,"endTime":1504.169,"body":"Wait, where'd you get the octopus?"},{"startTime":1504.169,"endTime":1506.129,"body":"I don't know. Like"},{"startTime":1504.169,"endTime":1506.129,"body":"it was some sort of. And now?"},{"startTime":1506.129,"endTime":1507.547,"body":"Now we're going to have to cut this whole."},{"startTime":1507.547,"endTime":1509.508,"body":"Group fucking. To market."},{"startTime":1509.508,"endTime":1512.135,"body":"Did she buy this corona lation?"},{"startTime":1512.135,"endTime":1513.053,"body":"I don't know. She gets."},{"startTime":1513.053,"endTime":1514.513,"body":"She gets these kidneys."},{"startTime":1513.053,"endTime":1514.513,"body":"I don't know. What."},{"startTime":1514.513,"endTime":1516.139,"body":"Right. And."},{"startTime":1516.139,"endTime":1518.308,"body":"And she's able to. Show the kids."},{"startTime":1518.308,"endTime":1520.936,"body":"Where you know,"},{"startTime":1518.308,"endTime":1520.936,"body":"where you know the actual what they."},{"startTime":1520.936,"endTime":1522.354,"body":"Are is. Yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":1522.354,"endTime":1525.398,"body":"And that maybe their parents could buy"},{"startTime":1522.354,"endTime":1525.398,"body":"them if they need to in the in the future."},{"startTime":1525.398,"endTime":1529.194,"body":"But but for them to be able to see it"},{"startTime":1525.398,"endTime":1529.194,"body":"you know right there in the you"},{"startTime":1529.194,"endTime":1531.363,"body":"know and the ice. Cream like"},{"startTime":1531.446,"endTime":1532.072,"body":"it's like."},{"startTime":1532.072,"endTime":1535.033,"body":"I guess in a cooler. Yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":1535.033,"endTime":1536.159,"body":"God almighty."},{"startTime":1536.159,"endTime":1537.577,"body":"Anyway, she's amazing"},{"startTime":1537.577,"endTime":1541.623,"body":"and I think she's won like several teacher"},{"startTime":1537.577,"endTime":1541.623,"body":"awards, like, you know."},{"startTime":1541.706,"endTime":1543.166,"body":"The teacher and the teacher."},{"startTime":1543.166,"endTime":1545.71,"body":"We found out she won the decathlon."},{"startTime":1545.71,"endTime":1548.421,"body":"She was just like,"},{"startTime":1545.71,"endTime":1548.421,"body":"Oh, she's like a like a Texas spitfire."},{"startTime":1548.421,"endTime":1551.424,"body":"But she taught decathlon."},{"startTime":1548.421,"endTime":1551.424,"body":"She won Teacher of the Year."},{"startTime":1551.424,"endTime":1554.052,"body":"But we found out it's"},{"startTime":1551.424,"endTime":1554.052,"body":"because she nominated herself."},{"startTime":1554.052,"endTime":1555.845,"body":"Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":1555.845,"endTime":1557.472,"body":"Which is the ultimate decathlon move."},{"startTime":1557.472,"endTime":1559.099,"body":"I thought I was like."},{"startTime":1559.099,"endTime":1560.892,"body":"She's really doing everything"},{"startTime":1559.099,"endTime":1560.892,"body":"for everybody."},{"startTime":1560.892,"endTime":1562.644,"body":"Yeah, I was super late all the time."},{"startTime":1562.644,"endTime":1565.772,"body":"And the only teacher to the point where"},{"startTime":1562.644,"endTime":1565.772,"body":"my parents out of a conference about it."},{"startTime":1565.772,"endTime":1568.525,"body":"Right. That whole thing."},{"startTime":1565.772,"endTime":1568.525,"body":"A Daniels's life is falling apart."},{"startTime":1568.525,"endTime":1569.776,"body":"Why were you super late?"},{"startTime":1569.776,"endTime":1571.987,"body":"It was like in passing periods."},{"startTime":1571.987,"endTime":1576.283,"body":"Oh, and it wasn't any kind of like"},{"startTime":1571.987,"endTime":1576.283,"body":"it was literally the bell rings"},{"startTime":1576.283,"endTime":1577.45,"body":"and then you walk in the room."},{"startTime":1577.45,"endTime":1580.036,"body":"I was because I couldn't"},{"startTime":1577.45,"endTime":1580.036,"body":"get my locker open."},{"startTime":1580.036,"endTime":1582.455,"body":"Yeah, Mine was never smoking or anything."},{"startTime":1582.455,"endTime":1583.123,"body":"Fine."},{"startTime":1583.123,"endTime":1585.667,"body":"It's like the class is far"},{"startTime":1583.123,"endTime":1585.667,"body":"and I walk slow."},{"startTime":1585.667,"endTime":1588.878,"body":"Yeah, We never anything juicy. Right?"},{"startTime":1588.962,"endTime":1591.548,"body":"But this one teacher, he got back"},{"startTime":1588.962,"endTime":1591.548,"body":"from the parent teacher meeting."},{"startTime":1591.548,"endTime":1593.925,"body":"He was a coach slash history teacher,"},{"startTime":1591.548,"endTime":1593.925,"body":"and he."},{"startTime":1593.925,"endTime":1596.261,"body":"It's hard to take anyone serious"},{"startTime":1593.925,"endTime":1596.261,"body":"when they have a giant stye on their eye."},{"startTime":1596.261,"endTime":1599.806,"body":"But. Yeah, but he was like,"},{"startTime":1596.261,"endTime":1599.806,"body":"I just came from a conference."},{"startTime":1599.806,"endTime":1602.434,"body":"I just want, you know,"},{"startTime":1599.806,"endTime":1602.434,"body":"we're all good people."},{"startTime":1602.434,"endTime":1605.103,"body":"We all know you're a good person. But."},{"startTime":1605.103,"endTime":1607.23,"body":"But none of this matters."},{"startTime":1607.23,"endTime":1610.65,"body":"You know, being late in"},{"startTime":1607.23,"endTime":1610.65,"body":"your life is not even going to matter."},{"startTime":1610.65,"endTime":1611.735,"body":"You're just going to live your life."},{"startTime":1611.735,"endTime":1612.36,"body":"Last night,"},{"startTime":1612.36,"endTime":1616.323,"body":"I was at the Rush concert with my wife,"},{"startTime":1612.36,"endTime":1616.323,"body":"and I was like, And then I just lost me."},{"startTime":1616.323,"endTime":1617.157,"body":"I was like, What?"},{"startTime":1617.157,"endTime":1620.702,"body":"Nothing matters."},{"startTime":1617.157,"endTime":1620.702,"body":"Now we're at a rush concert."},{"startTime":1620.785,"endTime":1621.578,"body":"Some history."},{"startTime":1621.578,"endTime":1621.828,"body":"Please."},{"startTime":1621.828,"endTime":1623.538,"body":"You know, someday you might live in L.A."},{"startTime":1623.538,"endTime":1625.707,"body":"where nobody's ever on time."},{"startTime":1625.707,"endTime":1628.71,"body":"You're going to go to a rush concert"},{"startTime":1625.707,"endTime":1628.71,"body":"with your wife."},{"startTime":1628.918,"endTime":1631.588,"body":"You don't even know who you're talking to."},{"startTime":1631.588,"endTime":1632.38,"body":"I'm okay."},{"startTime":1632.38,"endTime":1633.84,"body":"So you're wearing a Dolly Parton shirt?"},{"startTime":1633.84,"endTime":1635.383,"body":"Oh, yes. And you just."},{"startTime":1635.383,"endTime":1636.468,"body":"Have you seen her line?"},{"startTime":1636.468,"endTime":1638.261,"body":"No, really? Do."},{"startTime":1638.261,"endTime":1639.012,"body":"I went with Ralphie."},{"startTime":1639.012,"endTime":1641.222,"body":"Oh, yeah. And Carrie. Right?"},{"startTime":1641.222,"endTime":1643.558,"body":"We didn't."},{"startTime":1641.222,"endTime":1643.558,"body":"Have you seen Darlene? No. And Carrie."},{"startTime":1643.558,"endTime":1644.726,"body":"Ralphie. Hard to see Carrie."},{"startTime":1644.726,"endTime":1645.644,"body":"Sorry. I'm straight."},{"startTime":1645.644,"endTime":1646.895,"body":"Do I need you? Bring it up."},{"startTime":1646.895,"endTime":1650.148,"body":"I like I'm straight, too."},{"startTime":1646.895,"endTime":1650.148,"body":"I haven't seen it."},{"startTime":1650.231,"endTime":1652.984,"body":"I know, I know. I am a fan of her,"},{"startTime":1650.231,"endTime":1652.984,"body":"and I think she's amazing."},{"startTime":1652.984,"endTime":1654.277,"body":"We went in drag."},{"startTime":1654.277,"endTime":1655.32,"body":"Oh, that's great."},{"startTime":1655.32,"endTime":1657.322,"body":"And I asked Ralphie,"},{"startTime":1655.32,"endTime":1657.322,"body":"I was in high heels, and I"},{"startTime":1657.322,"endTime":1659.491,"body":"at the last minute,"},{"startTime":1657.322,"endTime":1659.491,"body":"I was like, Wait, should I wear something?"},{"startTime":1659.491,"endTime":1662.077,"body":"I can run and fucking text it, you know?"},{"startTime":1662.077,"endTime":1662.786,"body":"So I switched to boots."},{"startTime":1662.786,"endTime":1664.746,"body":"And then because at the time I was like,"},{"startTime":1664.746,"endTime":1667.957,"body":"If I'm going to enjoy this concert,"},{"startTime":1664.746,"endTime":1667.957,"body":"I need four beers before it starts."},{"startTime":1667.957,"endTime":1670.919,"body":"And so I was getting drinks"},{"startTime":1667.957,"endTime":1670.919,"body":"when they went to get their seats."},{"startTime":1670.919,"endTime":1675.215,"body":"So then the old usher led me"},{"startTime":1670.919,"endTime":1675.215,"body":"to the wrong seat in the wrong section."},{"startTime":1675.423,"endTime":1678.968,"body":"Wow. Which was the Christian"},{"startTime":1675.423,"endTime":1678.968,"body":"lesbian section,"},{"startTime":1679.052,"endTime":1680.929,"body":"which is a thing"},{"startTime":1679.052,"endTime":1680.929,"body":"that you don't talk about."},{"startTime":1680.929,"endTime":1682.514,"body":"Yes, they were."},{"startTime":1682.514,"endTime":1685.141,"body":"James. Avery jewelry. Oh, I know."},{"startTime":1685.141,"endTime":1686.434,"body":"So then there's a six."},{"startTime":1686.434,"endTime":1689.437,"body":"Foot three Daniel in full drag,"},{"startTime":1686.434,"endTime":1689.437,"body":"pink dress,"},{"startTime":1689.437,"endTime":1693.525,"body":"blond wig, full makeup,"},{"startTime":1689.437,"endTime":1693.525,"body":"sitting with four beers and."},{"startTime":1693.692,"endTime":1696.695,"body":"Oh, I see."},{"startTime":1693.692,"endTime":1696.695,"body":"Because when Dolly asked people."},{"startTime":1696.778,"endTime":1698.446,"body":"Well, he's trying to be a girl, I."},{"startTime":1698.446,"endTime":1700.49,"body":"Don't know,"},{"startTime":1698.446,"endTime":1700.49,"body":"what do you want me to do. About it?"},{"startTime":1700.49,"endTime":1701.95,"body":"She had makeup on."},{"startTime":1701.95,"endTime":1704.744,"body":"Of course,"},{"startTime":1701.95,"endTime":1704.744,"body":"he should be in the ladies section."},{"startTime":1704.828,"endTime":1707.08,"body":"One of the lesbian Christians looked at me"},{"startTime":1707.08,"endTime":1710.291,"body":"and said, point blank, she goes, Well,"},{"startTime":1707.08,"endTime":1710.291,"body":"I wouldn't have worn a straight wig."},{"startTime":1710.375,"endTime":1712.502,"body":"Oh, has."},{"startTime":1712.502,"endTime":1713.128,"body":"Judgment."},{"startTime":1713.128,"endTime":1716.923,"body":"Anyway, at the intermission,"},{"startTime":1713.128,"endTime":1716.923,"body":"I looked around and there was Ralphie"},{"startTime":1716.923,"endTime":1718.091,"body":"and Carrie."},{"startTime":1718.091,"endTime":1720.969,"body":"When you got better seats, then. Yeah."},{"startTime":1720.969,"endTime":1723.68,"body":"Oh, that's pretty mean to me."},{"startTime":1723.68,"endTime":1727.016,"body":"You had to pay for them."},{"startTime":1723.68,"endTime":1727.016,"body":"Socially speaking."},{"startTime":1727.1,"endTime":1728.143,"body":"But you went to Dollywood."},{"startTime":1728.143,"endTime":1729.811,"body":"Yeah, well, we just walked around."},{"startTime":1729.811,"endTime":1731.187,"body":"It was like a quick thing."},{"startTime":1731.187,"endTime":1734.19,"body":"I think we were doing Graceland"},{"startTime":1731.187,"endTime":1734.19,"body":"and we got to see that."},{"startTime":1734.274,"endTime":1736.609,"body":"Which I also just went to the White House."},{"startTime":1736.609,"endTime":1737.36,"body":"Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":1737.36,"endTime":1739.195,"body":"And it was so lame."},{"startTime":1739.195,"endTime":1741.114,"body":"I'm like. Looks it under."},{"startTime":1741.114,"endTime":1743.158,"body":"I think it even looks very. Much like."},{"startTime":1743.158,"endTime":1745.41,"body":"Graceland"},{"startTime":1743.158,"endTime":1745.41,"body":"was way better than the White House."},{"startTime":1745.41,"endTime":1746.536,"body":"It was so lame."},{"startTime":1746.536,"endTime":1749.372,"body":"I was like,"},{"startTime":1746.536,"endTime":1749.372,"body":"there's no pictures of Trump up."},{"startTime":1749.372,"endTime":1750.832,"body":"No. Which I Yeah."},{"startTime":1750.832,"endTime":1753.001,"body":"And I was like, oh, that's wow."},{"startTime":1753.001,"endTime":1754.502,"body":"Like, they for real were like."},{"startTime":1754.502,"endTime":1756.379,"body":"Not race because they they."},{"startTime":1756.379,"endTime":1758.173,"body":"Do the portrait like later."},{"startTime":1758.173,"endTime":1758.715,"body":"Well, yeah."},{"startTime":1758.715,"endTime":1762.093,"body":"Oh, but I'm like it was not like"},{"startTime":1758.715,"endTime":1762.093,"body":"there were 16."},{"startTime":1762.093,"endTime":1763.678,"body":"There must have been time"},{"startTime":1762.093,"endTime":1763.678,"body":"for him to be up there."},{"startTime":1763.678,"endTime":1764.637,"body":"Yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":1764.637,"endTime":1767.599,"body":"Because I was looking, I was like,"},{"startTime":1764.637,"endTime":1767.599,"body":"is he around?"},{"startTime":1767.599,"endTime":1769.476,"body":"And it was like all the presidents,"},{"startTime":1769.476,"endTime":1773.021,"body":"all the kids that have ever lived"},{"startTime":1769.476,"endTime":1773.021,"body":"there, all the dogs that have shot."},{"startTime":1773.104,"endTime":1774.814,"body":"And I'm like, okay, the dogs."},{"startTime":1774.814,"endTime":1776.608,"body":"And then I'm like, There's no."},{"startTime":1776.608,"endTime":1780.862,"body":"No. I know you feel bad for him"},{"startTime":1776.608,"endTime":1780.862,"body":"sort of on the radio."},{"startTime":1781.07,"endTime":1784.657,"body":"I'm like, Was it the dogs or is it or"},{"startTime":1781.07,"endTime":1784.657,"body":"is that the Trump children. And."},{"startTime":1784.741,"endTime":1787.619,"body":"Which one is which? Well,"},{"startTime":1784.741,"endTime":1787.619,"body":"that's the thing. I didn't see Melania."},{"startTime":1787.619,"endTime":1789.078,"body":"I didn't see a. Baron of."},{"startTime":1789.078,"endTime":1791.623,"body":"None. And I was like, Oh,"},{"startTime":1789.078,"endTime":1791.623,"body":"that's embarrassing. Is Hillary."},{"startTime":1791.623,"endTime":1792.749,"body":"Maybe you can take I was thinking"},{"startTime":1792.749,"endTime":1795.21,"body":"maybe you can take down the president"},{"startTime":1792.749,"endTime":1795.21,"body":"that was ousted before you."},{"startTime":1795.21,"endTime":1796.92,"body":"You know what I mean? Like, Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":1796.92,"endTime":1797.462,"body":"I don't know."},{"startTime":1797.462,"endTime":1797.837,"body":"I'm like,"},{"startTime":1797.837,"endTime":1801.925,"body":"if we're taking down criminals, then"},{"startTime":1797.837,"endTime":1801.925,"body":"we need to take down some of the other."},{"startTime":1802.008,"endTime":1803.009,"body":"That's the rule."},{"startTime":1803.009,"endTime":1805.678,"body":"Yeah. Vanessa was Biden and it was."},{"startTime":1805.678,"endTime":1809.516,"body":"Yeah, there was Biden pictures"},{"startTime":1805.678,"endTime":1809.516,"body":"and Jill and Joe with the dog."},{"startTime":1809.516,"endTime":1811.643,"body":"Like, very family. The dog. Bites."},{"startTime":1809.516,"endTime":1811.643,"body":"I love the dog."},{"startTime":1811.643,"endTime":1813.144,"body":"Bites, but."},{"startTime":1813.144,"endTime":1814.312,"body":"I wanted to meet her."},{"startTime":1814.312,"endTime":1816.022,"body":"Because my dog bit my dead dog."},{"startTime":1816.022,"endTime":1816.981,"body":"He beat everybody."},{"startTime":1816.981,"endTime":1818.733,"body":"Did he. Beat you? No, Never."},{"startTime":1818.733,"endTime":1820.193,"body":"Yeah. Sweet time you took care of."},{"startTime":1820.193,"endTime":1821.277,"body":"I did."},{"startTime":1821.277,"endTime":1824.28,"body":"Yeah,"},{"startTime":1821.277,"endTime":1824.28,"body":"I did. Like the dog is consciousness."},{"startTime":1824.364,"endTime":1828.076,"body":"Exactly."},{"startTime":1828.159,"endTime":1829.41,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1829.41,"endTime":1831.287,"body":"Let's fight all of these assholes."},{"startTime":1831.287,"endTime":1833.581,"body":"This is not."},{"startTime":1831.287,"endTime":1833.581,"body":"Cool. We're never doing anything for."},{"startTime":1833.581,"endTime":1834.624,"body":"Right? It's not."},{"startTime":1834.624,"endTime":1835.041,"body":"A real."},{"startTime":1835.041,"endTime":1836.793,"body":"It's an anime character there to."},{"startTime":1836.793,"endTime":1838.795,"body":"Represent."},{"startTime":1838.795,"endTime":1841.005,"body":"To represent empathy."},{"startTime":1841.005,"endTime":1844.008,"body":"And did they ever using Grady?"},{"startTime":1844.133,"endTime":1846.261,"body":"Did they remove him from the White House,"},{"startTime":1844.133,"endTime":1846.261,"body":"though? Right."},{"startTime":1846.261,"endTime":1847.47,"body":"Because he bit so many people."},{"startTime":1847.47,"endTime":1849.514,"body":"I think they were talking about it."},{"startTime":1849.514,"endTime":1850.473,"body":"I don't know if they did."},{"startTime":1850.473,"endTime":1852.559,"body":"But he has a biting dog name, right?"},{"startTime":1852.559,"endTime":1854.727,"body":"It's like Scout or bandit or. Right."},{"startTime":1854.727,"endTime":1857.063,"body":"But those pictures of him up"},{"startTime":1854.727,"endTime":1857.063,"body":"and not Trump."},{"startTime":1857.063,"endTime":1859.858,"body":"Oh, trying."},{"startTime":1859.858,"endTime":1860.4,"body":"Funny."},{"startTime":1860.4,"endTime":1863.403,"body":"But I was just like,"},{"startTime":1860.4,"endTime":1863.403,"body":"you know, I think it's hilarious."},{"startTime":1863.403,"endTime":1866.906,"body":"But I'm like, I'm sure his followers come"},{"startTime":1863.403,"endTime":1866.906,"body":"and take issue with."},{"startTime":1866.906,"endTime":1868.199,"body":"That. Somebody."},{"startTime":1868.199,"endTime":1868.825,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":1868.825,"endTime":1871.286,"body":"Yeah, I'm sure every day there's like"},{"startTime":1868.825,"endTime":1871.286,"body":"some tour guide who has to hear."},{"startTime":1871.286,"endTime":1873.955,"body":"The where's the Trump. Vote, right?"},{"startTime":1873.955,"endTime":1875.874,"body":"You know, on January six,"},{"startTime":1873.955,"endTime":1875.874,"body":"maybe they took all of it."},{"startTime":1875.874,"endTime":1877.5,"body":"Stole the photo. Yeah."},{"startTime":1877.5,"endTime":1879.085,"body":"So is there something."},{"startTime":1879.085,"endTime":1882.505,"body":"The the president has to sit"},{"startTime":1879.085,"endTime":1882.505,"body":"for the portrait, Right."},{"startTime":1882.672,"endTime":1884.757,"body":"Did they do. That? So yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":1884.757,"endTime":1890.221,"body":"I saw one of of Reagan and that"},{"startTime":1884.757,"endTime":1890.221,"body":"they forgot to paint his wedding ring on."},{"startTime":1890.263,"endTime":1892.348,"body":"Oh my. God. Well, he wasn't wearing it."},{"startTime":1892.348,"endTime":1896.394,"body":"And instead of adding it on"},{"startTime":1892.348,"endTime":1896.394,"body":"they just said or he."},{"startTime":1896.394,"endTime":1899.772,"body":"Forgot to put it on. Now. So great."},{"startTime":1899.814,"endTime":1902.525,"body":"But he takes it off for 2 seconds"},{"startTime":1899.814,"endTime":1902.525,"body":"to go to a bar."},{"startTime":1902.525,"endTime":1904.485,"body":"And right then it was."},{"startTime":1904.485,"endTime":1908.156,"body":"And that they asked Nancy if she wanted it"},{"startTime":1904.485,"endTime":1908.156,"body":"like for them to paint it on"},{"startTime":1908.156,"endTime":1909.24,"body":"because it's a painting."},{"startTime":1909.24,"endTime":1910.241,"body":"They said yes."},{"startTime":1910.241,"endTime":1913.661,"body":"And she was like, No, that's fine."},{"startTime":1913.745,"endTime":1915.163,"body":"This is my favorite."},{"startTime":1915.163,"endTime":1915.872,"body":"I didn't make this."},{"startTime":1915.872,"endTime":1918.875,"body":"But what is Ronald Reagan's"},{"startTime":1915.872,"endTime":1918.875,"body":"pick up line at a bar?"},{"startTime":1919.0,"endTime":1919.834,"body":"Well."},{"startTime":1919.834,"endTime":1923.755,"body":"Do I come here often?"},{"startTime":1923.838,"endTime":1925.59,"body":"And isn't that great?"},{"startTime":1925.59,"endTime":1927.467,"body":"I love that joke. Right?"},{"startTime":1927.467,"endTime":1929.886,"body":"All that stuff. So wait,"},{"startTime":1927.467,"endTime":1929.886,"body":"so there's a ring."},{"startTime":1929.886,"endTime":1932.764,"body":"This Ronald Reagan."},{"startTime":1929.886,"endTime":1932.764,"body":"Yeah. In the White House."},{"startTime":1932.764,"endTime":1935.516,"body":"And then Obama's Michelle was there."},{"startTime":1935.516,"endTime":1936.476,"body":"Hers is. Gorgeous. Yeah."},{"startTime":1936.476,"endTime":1940.396,"body":"I took a picture with her and"},{"startTime":1936.476,"endTime":1940.396,"body":"then the rest I was like, not bothered."},{"startTime":1940.396,"endTime":1941.731,"body":"We were in D.C."},{"startTime":1941.731,"endTime":1944.567,"body":"doing shows and it was like"},{"startTime":1941.731,"endTime":1944.567,"body":"and my boyfriend went as a kid, like,"},{"startTime":1944.567,"endTime":1947.82,"body":"everyone's family takes in their kids"},{"startTime":1944.567,"endTime":1947.82,"body":"and he was like, Our parents are acting"},{"startTime":1947.82,"endTime":1951.824,"body":"like it's the biggest deal in the world"},{"startTime":1947.82,"endTime":1951.824,"body":"and everyone's fucking border shit, right?"},{"startTime":1951.866,"endTime":1955.62,"body":"But when we were in D.C., a woman"},{"startTime":1951.866,"endTime":1955.62,"body":"had been struck by lightning and killed."},{"startTime":1955.745,"endTime":1958.706,"body":"Oh, jeez. Yeah, in D.C.. I know. Yeah."},{"startTime":1958.79,"endTime":1961.0,"body":"So then everybody,"},{"startTime":1958.79,"endTime":1961.0,"body":"the security was heightened."},{"startTime":1961.0,"endTime":1965.713,"body":"I was like, against lightning and word."},{"startTime":1965.755,"endTime":1966.673,"body":"What's the plan?"},{"startTime":1966.673,"endTime":1969.175,"body":"But they got to the Capitol that day,"},{"startTime":1966.673,"endTime":1969.175,"body":"right?"},{"startTime":1969.175,"endTime":1977.141,"body":"Well, they sure did."},{"startTime":1977.225,"endTime":1977.85,"body":"I started"},{"startTime":1977.85,"endTime":1982.021,"body":"a podcast, was right before pandemic,"},{"startTime":1977.85,"endTime":1982.021,"body":"so I gave up on it, but I had people over."},{"startTime":1982.021,"endTime":1984.399,"body":"And then at the very end,"},{"startTime":1982.021,"endTime":1984.399,"body":"I would sign a piece of paper over, go,"},{"startTime":1984.399,"endTime":1986.609,"body":"okay, now draw my portrait."},{"startTime":1986.609,"endTime":1988.277,"body":"And most people would be game for it."},{"startTime":1988.277,"endTime":1992.448,"body":"But Martha Kelly went into a"},{"startTime":1988.277,"endTime":1992.448,"body":"like anxiety scale."},{"startTime":1992.532,"endTime":1994.742,"body":"She was like, I can't draw."},{"startTime":1992.532,"endTime":1994.742,"body":"I don't want to hurt your feelings."},{"startTime":1994.742,"endTime":1997.62,"body":"I can't do that. Oh, she's amazing."},{"startTime":1994.742,"endTime":1997.62,"body":"She's also from Austin, right?"},{"startTime":1997.62,"endTime":1999.414,"body":"Yeah, absolutely. I'm sorry."},{"startTime":1999.414,"endTime":2001.666,"body":"I'm found. Out. Martha. Yeah, I'm on the."},{"startTime":2001.666,"endTime":2006.17,"body":"I had a and I actually used this on the"},{"startTime":2001.666,"endTime":2006.17,"body":"minor accomplishments of Jackie Woodman."},{"startTime":2006.17,"endTime":2008.506,"body":"My mom sent me all of my stuff"},{"startTime":2006.17,"endTime":2008.506,"body":"from childhood,"},{"startTime":2008.506,"endTime":2011.676,"body":"and there was an assignment"},{"startTime":2008.506,"endTime":2011.676,"body":"to draw yourself as a kid."},{"startTime":2011.759,"endTime":2014.721,"body":"And I have to show you"},{"startTime":2011.759,"endTime":2014.721,"body":"when we take a break,"},{"startTime":2014.721,"endTime":2016.764,"body":"I have to show you how I drew myself."},{"startTime":2016.764,"endTime":2017.765,"body":"I would love to."},{"startTime":2017.765,"endTime":2019.642,"body":"It's really mind blowing."},{"startTime":2019.642,"endTime":2021.102,"body":"What is it? Describe it."},{"startTime":2021.102,"endTime":2022.729,"body":"I want you to see it and then we'll."},{"startTime":2022.729,"endTime":2024.355,"body":"And then we'll discuss it."},{"startTime":2022.729,"endTime":2024.355,"body":"Okay? Yeah. Okay."},{"startTime":2024.355,"endTime":2026.774,"body":"I drew Paula Abdul when I was a kid."},{"startTime":2026.774,"endTime":2030.653,"body":"There are all these drawings"},{"startTime":2026.774,"endTime":2030.653,"body":"and Paula Abdul, it's like her in a tight"},{"startTime":2030.653,"endTime":2034.907,"body":"ponytail and a mole,"},{"startTime":2030.653,"endTime":2034.907,"body":"you know, and, like, different costumes."},{"startTime":2034.907,"endTime":2036.743,"body":"That was like,"},{"startTime":2034.907,"endTime":2036.743,"body":"I don't think I ever drew myself."},{"startTime":2036.743,"endTime":2041.08,"body":"I think mine"},{"startTime":2036.743,"endTime":2041.08,"body":"kind of look like the Mona Lisa is what?"},{"startTime":2041.164,"endTime":2041.789,"body":"Like, I remember,"},{"startTime":2041.789,"endTime":2045.001,"body":"like, a really bad Mona Lisa myself."},{"startTime":2045.084,"endTime":2047.17,"body":"And what how old were you then?"},{"startTime":2047.17,"endTime":2049.922,"body":"Probably like 17. Eight. Oh, okay."},{"startTime":2049.922,"endTime":2051.799,"body":"So it was a serious art class."},{"startTime":2051.799,"endTime":2053.217,"body":"It was growing number."},{"startTime":2053.217,"endTime":2055.553,"body":"This always makes me laugh."},{"startTime":2053.217,"endTime":2055.553,"body":"This is my favorite things ever."},{"startTime":2055.553,"endTime":2056.512,"body":"Do you remember the lady?"},{"startTime":2056.512,"endTime":2058.973,"body":"I forget where this was,"},{"startTime":2056.512,"endTime":2058.973,"body":"but there was, like, the fresco, right?"},{"startTime":2058.973,"endTime":2060.349,"body":"The painting on the wall"},{"startTime":2060.349,"endTime":2065.104,"body":"that was centuries old and it was the face"},{"startTime":2060.349,"endTime":2065.104,"body":"of Jesus had been, like, worn away."},{"startTime":2065.313,"endTime":2070.526,"body":"So this random lady"},{"startTime":2065.313,"endTime":2070.526,"body":"just decided to etch it in and fix."},{"startTime":2070.61,"endTime":2072.904,"body":"And then she'd gone overboard"},{"startTime":2070.61,"endTime":2072.904,"body":"and ruined it."},{"startTime":2072.904,"endTime":2074.572,"body":"And he looked like a capuchin monkey."},{"startTime":2074.572,"endTime":2077.116,"body":"Wow. It's the funniest thing ever."},{"startTime":2077.116,"endTime":2079.368,"body":"Like the before."},{"startTime":2077.116,"endTime":2079.368,"body":"Is it better than that? Right."},{"startTime":2079.368,"endTime":2082.872,"body":"And then she's like,"},{"startTime":2079.368,"endTime":2082.872,"body":"she's blurred and smeared these features"},{"startTime":2082.872,"endTime":2085.249,"body":"and that he just looks like a"},{"startTime":2082.872,"endTime":2085.249,"body":"like a tiny circus animal."},{"startTime":2085.249,"endTime":2088.044,"body":"I like that. Like, you know, in a monkey,"},{"startTime":2085.249,"endTime":2088.044,"body":"just like a bellhop."},{"startTime":2088.044,"endTime":2090.046,"body":"Yeah, it's like that."},{"startTime":2090.046,"endTime":2092.423,"body":"When you never question anything."},{"startTime":2092.423,"endTime":2094.509,"body":"If this is this person wants to do that."},{"startTime":2094.509,"endTime":2097.136,"body":"This is amazing. Yes. Please restore it."},{"startTime":2097.136,"endTime":2098.096,"body":"It's people have."},{"startTime":2098.096,"endTime":2101.474,"body":"This weird intuition or this weird feeling"},{"startTime":2098.096,"endTime":2101.474,"body":"that they're helping the world."},{"startTime":2101.641,"endTime":2103.893,"body":"Yeah. I don't do you for that."},{"startTime":2101.641,"endTime":2103.893,"body":"While. Yeah."},{"startTime":2103.893,"endTime":2106.896,"body":"I feel like my existence is a blight. No."},{"startTime":2106.938,"endTime":2110.942,"body":"Are you kidding me? If you say, Yeah."},{"startTime":2111.025,"endTime":2112.527,"body":"Welcome to bother us."},{"startTime":2112.527,"endTime":2113.694,"body":"Oh, okay."},{"startTime":2113.694,"endTime":2116.447,"body":"So you've been touring like crazy? Yeah."},{"startTime":2116.447,"endTime":2118.95,"body":"Do you like touring? Oh, yeah. It's fun."},{"startTime":2118.95,"endTime":2120.535,"body":"I mean, it's definitely funner"},{"startTime":2120.535,"endTime":2123.83,"body":"to tour opening for Chelsea Handler"},{"startTime":2120.535,"endTime":2123.83,"body":"than by myself."},{"startTime":2123.83,"endTime":2125.414,"body":"Well. You're right. Yeah."},{"startTime":2125.414,"endTime":2127.416,"body":"Like, I'm not. I'm private Jet."},{"startTime":2127.416,"endTime":2130.711,"body":"I got to take,"},{"startTime":2127.416,"endTime":2130.711,"body":"you know, the Greyhound and all that,"},{"startTime":2130.795,"endTime":2133.798,"body":"but it's so fun and we get along so well."},{"startTime":2133.881,"endTime":2138.052,"body":"Like, that's the best part"},{"startTime":2133.881,"endTime":2138.052,"body":"is that we're like, we mesh well."},{"startTime":2138.052,"endTime":2141.18,"body":"Yeah, yeah but the travel"},{"startTime":2138.052,"endTime":2141.18,"body":"and all that bullshit you like."},{"startTime":2141.305,"endTime":2141.764,"body":"Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":2141.764,"endTime":2144.058,"body":"I mean, it is exhausting, but I."},{"startTime":2144.058,"endTime":2146.269,"body":"Every comic I know is exhausted."},{"startTime":2146.269,"endTime":2147.311,"body":"Oh, yeah, Yeah."},{"startTime":2147.311,"endTime":2149.063,"body":"And we're, it's like we're all tired."},{"startTime":2149.063,"endTime":2151.482,"body":"And if you're tired, you're doing"},{"startTime":2149.063,"endTime":2151.482,"body":"something."},{"startTime":2151.482,"endTime":2153.526,"body":"Yeah, it's true."},{"startTime":2153.526,"endTime":2155.319,"body":"Yeah. Why don't we not tired?"},{"startTime":2155.319,"endTime":2155.862,"body":"I mean, I."},{"startTime":2155.862,"endTime":2157.947,"body":"Don't do anything"},{"startTime":2155.862,"endTime":2157.947,"body":"and I'm. Tired, you. Two."},{"startTime":2157.947,"endTime":2159.866,"body":"I bought myself."},{"startTime":2157.947,"endTime":2159.866,"body":"Boyfriend said that the other."},{"startTime":2159.866,"endTime":2160.741,"body":"He's like, You're always tired."},{"startTime":2160.741,"endTime":2162.827,"body":"I was like, I'm a bit busy."},{"startTime":2162.827,"endTime":2163.369,"body":"I know."},{"startTime":2163.369,"endTime":2164.537,"body":"I joke with Chelsea."},{"startTime":2164.537,"endTime":2168.583,"body":"I'm like,"},{"startTime":2164.537,"endTime":2168.583,"body":"I work 20 minutes a night. Him braid."},{"startTime":2168.666,"endTime":2169.125,"body":"Hey, we."},{"startTime":2169.125,"endTime":2171.711,"body":"Dissect that just for a second, though,"},{"startTime":2169.125,"endTime":2171.711,"body":"because I."},{"startTime":2171.711,"endTime":2172.795,"body":"What goes into it, you."},{"startTime":2172.795,"endTime":2175.798,"body":"Know,"},{"startTime":2172.795,"endTime":2175.798,"body":"because the mental level, at least for me."},{"startTime":2175.882,"endTime":2180.303,"body":"Can you go all over the place all day"},{"startTime":2175.882,"endTime":2180.303,"body":"and then focus and do a good 20 minutes."},{"startTime":2180.386,"endTime":2181.095,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2181.095,"endTime":2186.058,"body":"I've gotten used to it because she's, you"},{"startTime":2181.095,"endTime":2186.058,"body":"know, we'll have dinner, we have drinks."},{"startTime":2186.058,"endTime":2189.395,"body":"We have also learned to like,"},{"startTime":2186.058,"endTime":2189.395,"body":"we both have good shows"},{"startTime":2189.395,"endTime":2191.48,"body":"when we're in little a few drinks"},{"startTime":2189.395,"endTime":2191.48,"body":"then. Sure."},{"startTime":2191.48,"endTime":2194.275,"body":"So now it's like, ah. Yeah, like."},{"startTime":2194.275,"endTime":2195.693,"body":"That. Way I always have to. Yeah."},{"startTime":2195.693,"endTime":2197.57,"body":"Like we loosen up and stuff."},{"startTime":2197.57,"endTime":2199.697,"body":"Now I've gotten there. In the beginning"},{"startTime":2197.57,"endTime":2199.697,"body":"I was like,"},{"startTime":2199.697,"endTime":2201.657,"body":"I need to prep,"},{"startTime":2199.697,"endTime":2201.657,"body":"but I've gotten used to it."},{"startTime":2201.657,"endTime":2203.534,"body":"And that has also changed for me."},{"startTime":2203.534,"endTime":2205.703,"body":"I used to be like, I'm sweaty pacing."},{"startTime":2205.703,"endTime":2208.247,"body":"Yeah, yeah,"},{"startTime":2205.703,"endTime":2208.247,"body":"I have to write my set all day. All day?"},{"startTime":2208.247,"endTime":2209.04,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":2209.04,"endTime":2211.25,"body":"And just really in the last year"},{"startTime":2209.04,"endTime":2211.25,"body":"that melted away."},{"startTime":2211.25,"endTime":2213.92,"body":"Yeah. It's hard to, like, just go out"},{"startTime":2211.25,"endTime":2213.92,"body":"cold."},{"startTime":2213.92,"endTime":2214.754,"body":"You're the first one."},{"startTime":2214.754,"endTime":2216.923,"body":"Is that like. Yeah, 100%. Yeah."},{"startTime":2216.923,"endTime":2218.966,"body":"Is that just you? Right. Yes. Yeah."},{"startTime":2218.966,"endTime":2222.887,"body":"And so I'm sure when I first saw Margaret"},{"startTime":2218.966,"endTime":2222.887,"body":"was the first time I learned"},{"startTime":2222.887,"endTime":2225.473,"body":"there was an opener. Oh, it was. In 2002."},{"startTime":2225.473,"endTime":2227.767,"body":"So the theater gets dark"},{"startTime":2225.473,"endTime":2227.767,"body":"and everyone's like,"},{"startTime":2227.767,"endTime":2229.602,"body":"Oh my gosh,"},{"startTime":2227.767,"endTime":2229.602,"body":"she's about to walk on the stage."},{"startTime":2229.602,"endTime":2231.896,"body":"And then her Oprah comes out"},{"startTime":2229.602,"endTime":2231.896,"body":"and you hear the audience go."},{"startTime":2231.896,"endTime":2233.648,"body":"Oh, yeah, I know."},{"startTime":2233.648,"endTime":2234.565,"body":"And so I."},{"startTime":2234.565,"endTime":2236.567,"body":"You know, yeah, I mean, I get that. Yeah."},{"startTime":2236.567,"endTime":2240.988,"body":"And but I do enjoy the like,"},{"startTime":2236.567,"endTime":2240.988,"body":"I know you're going to like me."},{"startTime":2241.072,"endTime":2244.408,"body":"Most of you will not hate me"},{"startTime":2241.072,"endTime":2244.408,"body":"by the end of it, right?"},{"startTime":2244.408,"endTime":2246.035,"body":"Yeah. That little task."},{"startTime":2246.035,"endTime":2247.036,"body":"I enjoy that."},{"startTime":2247.036,"endTime":2249.914,"body":"And I'm sure Margaret has awesome crowds."},{"startTime":2249.914,"endTime":2251.123,"body":"Oh, it's embedded."},{"startTime":2251.123,"endTime":2253.042,"body":"Yeah, her crowds are amazing."},{"startTime":2253.042,"endTime":2254.335,"body":"But then, like, I don't know,"},{"startTime":2254.335,"endTime":2258.13,"body":"we did a club a couple of clubs last year"},{"startTime":2254.335,"endTime":2258.13,"body":"where we were like, It's one of those."},{"startTime":2258.13,"endTime":2259.924,"body":"We're like,"},{"startTime":2258.13,"endTime":2259.924,"body":"Oh shit, there's conservative people here."},{"startTime":2259.924,"endTime":2262.551,"body":"Yeah, Isn't that even for Chelsea?"},{"startTime":2259.924,"endTime":2262.551,"body":"So what."},{"startTime":2262.551,"endTime":2262.969,"body":"Is that."},{"startTime":2262.969,"endTime":2263.302,"body":"Like?"},{"startTime":2263.302,"endTime":2266.264,"body":"It's so because,"},{"startTime":2263.302,"endTime":2266.264,"body":"you know, we'll do the casinos and stuff."},{"startTime":2266.264,"endTime":2269.433,"body":"Yes, like in the casinos, I think, like"},{"startTime":2269.433,"endTime":2272.52,"body":"if you're staying there, they're like,"},{"startTime":2269.433,"endTime":2272.52,"body":"Here's free tickets to a comedy show."},{"startTime":2272.77,"endTime":2274.73,"body":"And like, they don't know."},{"startTime":2274.73,"endTime":2278.276,"body":"Yeah, but we've had like,"},{"startTime":2274.73,"endTime":2278.276,"body":"MAGA hats in the front row and."},{"startTime":2278.276,"endTime":2278.985,"body":"You're like, What the. Fuck?"},{"startTime":2278.985,"endTime":2281.57,"body":"And it's like, you are in the wrong room."},{"startTime":2281.57,"endTime":2282.446,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2282.446,"endTime":2284.24,"body":"Like you're in the wrong room."},{"startTime":2284.24,"endTime":2286.492,"body":"We just did the Niagara Casino."},{"startTime":2286.492,"endTime":2288.202,"body":"Oh, How was it? It was. It was fun."},{"startTime":2288.202,"endTime":2291.372,"body":"But the first show, I'm used to it"},{"startTime":2288.202,"endTime":2291.372,"body":"now, right?"},{"startTime":2291.372,"endTime":2293.207,"body":"So you know what to expect. You're like,"},{"startTime":2291.372,"endTime":2293.207,"body":"just whatever."},{"startTime":2293.207,"endTime":2295.376,"body":"But it was this weird theater seating"},{"startTime":2293.207,"endTime":2295.376,"body":"where."},{"startTime":2295.376,"endTime":2296.21,"body":"Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":2296.21,"endTime":2297.169,"body":"Yeah, that's it. Yeah."},{"startTime":2297.169,"endTime":2298.671,"body":"And I walked out and just"},{"startTime":2298.671,"endTime":2301.674,"body":"I don't normally say this,"},{"startTime":2298.671,"endTime":2301.674,"body":"but I was like, I'm just a fag from Texas."},{"startTime":2301.716,"endTime":2303.384,"body":"Which I don't. Normally. Say that."},{"startTime":2303.384,"endTime":2304.844,"body":"That's what I say."},{"startTime":2304.844,"endTime":2308.514,"body":"I steal Vanessa's opener and immediately"},{"startTime":2304.844,"endTime":2308.514,"body":"this dude"},{"startTime":2308.597,"endTime":2312.018,"body":"right here because right there"},{"startTime":2308.597,"endTime":2312.018,"body":"it's a graduated what do you call it?"},{"startTime":2312.018,"endTime":2313.394,"body":"Stadium seating. Yes. Yes."},{"startTime":2313.394,"endTime":2316.522,"body":"So the guys at eye level"},{"startTime":2313.394,"endTime":2316.522,"body":"and I I'm from Texas"},{"startTime":2316.522,"endTime":2322.361,"body":"and before anyone can say anything he goes"},{"startTime":2316.522,"endTime":2322.361,"body":"wrong stage body out the job right."},{"startTime":2322.361,"endTime":2324.447,"body":"So then I'm like, no,"},{"startTime":2322.361,"endTime":2324.447,"body":"I'm actually on the right stage."},{"startTime":2324.447,"endTime":2326.032,"body":"You're in the wrong state."},{"startTime":2326.032,"endTime":2328.617,"body":"Then the whole place erupts in this crazy"},{"startTime":2328.617,"endTime":2330.745,"body":"like applause,"},{"startTime":2328.617,"endTime":2330.745,"body":"like I just won some huge battle."},{"startTime":2330.745,"endTime":2333.622,"body":"Yeah, it's like, All right."},{"startTime":2333.706,"endTime":2335.624,"body":"I saw Joan Rivers in a casino."},{"startTime":2335.624,"endTime":2336.667,"body":"That's incredible."},{"startTime":2336.667,"endTime":2337.335,"body":"It was wild."},{"startTime":2337.335,"endTime":2341.297,"body":"The fact that you saw three times,"},{"startTime":2337.335,"endTime":2341.297,"body":"that's credible."},{"startTime":2341.297,"endTime":2344.55,"body":"And once we thought,"},{"startTime":2341.297,"endTime":2344.55,"body":"okay, Laura has left the building."},{"startTime":2344.633,"endTime":2345.343,"body":"And I need."},{"startTime":2345.343,"endTime":2347.928,"body":"Your professional to describe."},{"startTime":2347.928,"endTime":2351.599,"body":"It and describe exactly how I how I."},{"startTime":2351.682,"endTime":2353.893,"body":"Let's see, I must have been so excited."},{"startTime":2353.893,"endTime":2356.562,"body":"No, I can't wait. For"},{"startTime":2353.893,"endTime":2356.562,"body":"it was kindergarten. Really?"},{"startTime":2356.562,"endTime":2358.522,"body":"Oh, yeah. So how do you think."},{"startTime":2358.522,"endTime":2360.066,"body":"What do I think of myself here?"},{"startTime":2360.066,"endTime":2362.61,"body":"You can,"},{"startTime":2360.066,"endTime":2362.61,"body":"even if you want to read this. Okay."},{"startTime":2362.61,"endTime":2364.111,"body":"Because I really."},{"startTime":2364.111,"endTime":2366.739,"body":"This is Laura's book,"},{"startTime":2366.739,"endTime":2367.531,"body":"okay?"},{"startTime":2367.531,"endTime":2369.033,"body":"So I want to own. My God."},{"startTime":2369.033,"endTime":2369.742,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":2369.742,"endTime":2373.287,"body":"In September,"},{"startTime":2369.742,"endTime":2373.287,"body":"I asked your child to draw himself."},{"startTime":2373.371,"endTime":2376.165,"body":"Yesterday, I respected the same inch."},{"startTime":2376.165,"endTime":2378.209,"body":"Oh, I repeated the same instructions."},{"startTime":2378.209,"endTime":2382.338,"body":"Please note the comparison."},{"startTime":2382.421,"endTime":2384.09,"body":"What do I"},{"startTime":2384.09,"endTime":2385.591,"body":"do? I got their. Testicles."},{"startTime":2385.591,"endTime":2386.55,"body":"You look like a dick."},{"startTime":2386.55,"endTime":2387.385,"body":"I look like you."},{"startTime":2387.385,"endTime":2390.012,"body":"Look like an erect penis"},{"startTime":2387.385,"endTime":2390.012,"body":"sitting on top of two."},{"startTime":2390.012,"endTime":2391.305,"body":"That is exactly right."},{"startTime":2391.305,"endTime":2391.722,"body":"Hold on."},{"startTime":2391.722,"endTime":2394.35,"body":"I want. To show that how."},{"startTime":2394.35,"endTime":2396.977,"body":"I drew myself. Okay."},{"startTime":2394.35,"endTime":2396.977,"body":"And first of all, people."},{"startTime":2396.977,"endTime":2398.479,"body":"This is on Manila paper."},{"startTime":2398.479,"endTime":2399.271,"body":"Thank you."},{"startTime":2399.271,"endTime":2401.482,"body":"I don't like everyone's wearing laughing."},{"startTime":2401.482,"endTime":2402.274,"body":"Oh, paper."},{"startTime":2402.274,"endTime":2404.693,"body":"I beg your pardon? Again, it's like."},{"startTime":2404.693,"endTime":2407.53,"body":"There's a clear green shaft."},{"startTime":2407.53,"endTime":2410.533,"body":"A hard green shaft"},{"startTime":2407.53,"endTime":2410.533,"body":"with Vantage at the top."},{"startTime":2410.533,"endTime":2412.993,"body":"Yeah, Or is that hair that's here."},{"startTime":2412.993,"endTime":2413.744,"body":"There's a face."},{"startTime":2413.744,"endTime":2415.329,"body":"There is a face on top."},{"startTime":2415.329,"endTime":2417.081,"body":"No, you're not. Want? No, no."},{"startTime":2417.081,"endTime":2417.832,"body":"Serious one."},{"startTime":2417.832,"endTime":2418.833,"body":"It's a dick hole."},{"startTime":2418.833,"endTime":2422.128,"body":"Oh, Lord,"},{"startTime":2418.833,"endTime":2422.128,"body":"We have to bleep this whole thing."},{"startTime":2422.211,"endTime":2426.34,"body":"Isn't there to make to make a real empath"},{"startTime":2422.211,"endTime":2426.34,"body":"and and kindergarten teacher."},{"startTime":2426.382,"endTime":2428.509,"body":"I mean, preschool teacher laugh at Drew."},{"startTime":2428.509,"endTime":2430.177,"body":"Myself and Louise should wait."},{"startTime":2430.177,"endTime":2431.679,"body":"Did you see the bitch?"},{"startTime":2431.679,"endTime":2433.848,"body":"The grade? She got fair."},{"startTime":2433.848,"endTime":2435.641,"body":"That's great."},{"startTime":2435.641,"endTime":2436.392,"body":"She wrote."},{"startTime":2436.392,"endTime":2437.393,"body":"Did you see there?"},{"startTime":2437.393,"endTime":2439.728,"body":"It was fair. On. Title."},{"startTime":2439.728,"endTime":2440.604,"body":"Oh, right."},{"startTime":2440.604,"endTime":2441.105,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2441.105,"endTime":2441.522,"body":"Not in."},{"startTime":2441.522,"endTime":2444.567,"body":"I need to call in the parent"},{"startTime":2441.522,"endTime":2444.567,"body":"because that's the difference"},{"startTime":2444.567,"endTime":2445.818,"body":"between you young kids."},{"startTime":2445.818,"endTime":2450.197,"body":"And when I grew up, I drew myself"},{"startTime":2445.818,"endTime":2450.197,"body":"as a pianist and nobody gave a shit."},{"startTime":2450.197,"endTime":2451.657,"body":"They just gave me a bad grade,"},{"startTime":2451.657,"endTime":2453.534,"body":"and everybody else"},{"startTime":2451.657,"endTime":2453.534,"body":"would have called their parent in."},{"startTime":2453.534,"endTime":2456.162,"body":"Like, I think a kid might a Oh, my, great."},{"startTime":2456.162,"endTime":2459.081,"body":"Well, first of all,"},{"startTime":2456.162,"endTime":2459.081,"body":"I drew shoes like circles."},{"startTime":2459.081,"endTime":2461.333,"body":"Okay,"},{"startTime":2459.081,"endTime":2461.333,"body":"that's the ball's in that picture. Yeah."},{"startTime":2461.333,"endTime":2463.544,"body":"So that I feel like it's. Me where she is."},{"startTime":2463.544,"endTime":2466.046,"body":"Okay. Yeah,"},{"startTime":2463.544,"endTime":2466.046,"body":"but it looks exactly like a peanut."},{"startTime":2466.046,"endTime":2466.672,"body":"I seen."},{"startTime":2466.672,"endTime":2467.84,"body":"This. Yeah, this."},{"startTime":2467.84,"endTime":2468.799,"body":"If you."},{"startTime":2468.799,"endTime":2470.259,"body":"If a kid drew this today."},{"startTime":2470.259,"endTime":2472.052,"body":"Yeah, that would be several meeting."},{"startTime":2472.052,"endTime":2473.596,"body":"Yeah, the parents would be arrested."},{"startTime":2473.596,"endTime":2476.015,"body":"But you would be tik-tok sensation."},{"startTime":2476.015,"endTime":2479.268,"body":"It would be a church camp involved. Yeah."},{"startTime":2479.351,"endTime":2481.812,"body":"So at the top of it is written"},{"startTime":2479.351,"endTime":2481.812,"body":"height and weight."},{"startTime":2481.812,"endTime":2483.439,"body":"That's your height and weight."},{"startTime":2483.439,"endTime":2487.109,"body":"You were 40 inches and 46"},{"startTime":2483.439,"endTime":2487.109,"body":"and three quarters"},{"startTime":2487.109,"endTime":2490.112,"body":"inches"},{"startTime":2487.109,"endTime":2490.112,"body":"and your weight was just a simple 46."},{"startTime":2490.112,"endTime":2492.323,"body":"Oh. More look at what you've ballooned to."},{"startTime":2492.323,"endTime":2495.576,"body":"Now I am a. You're like a 96 now."},{"startTime":2495.576,"endTime":2499.497,"body":"I the fact that I'm so glad you got."},{"startTime":2499.58,"endTime":2500.206,"body":"You your dolls."},{"startTime":2500.206,"endTime":2501.874,"body":"I was thinking that was that really is"},{"startTime":2501.874,"endTime":2505.711,"body":"that really narcissistic for me"},{"startTime":2501.874,"endTime":2505.711,"body":"to know that but I like I had to see your."},{"startTime":2505.794,"endTime":2507.379,"body":"If you. Post that some Yeah."},{"startTime":2507.379,"endTime":2511.008,"body":"Yeah If you had said I drew a dick"},{"startTime":2507.379,"endTime":2511.008,"body":"I wouldn't have necessarily."},{"startTime":2511.133,"endTime":2512.593,"body":"No, but no."},{"startTime":2512.593,"endTime":2514.762,"body":"But my favorite thing is okay,"},{"startTime":2512.593,"endTime":2514.762,"body":"so at the bottom of the thing"},{"startTime":2514.762,"endTime":2517.181,"body":"you read the note from"},{"startTime":2514.762,"endTime":2517.181,"body":"the teacher is typed."},{"startTime":2517.181,"endTime":2519.934,"body":"I think that's the like red flag."},{"startTime":2519.934,"endTime":2521.727,"body":"Please note the comparison."},{"startTime":2521.727,"endTime":2525.356,"body":"Oh, because I think then this"},{"startTime":2521.727,"endTime":2525.356,"body":"maybe she said something."},{"startTime":2525.439,"endTime":2526.19,"body":"Even. To me."},{"startTime":2526.19,"endTime":2528.234,"body":"I think this was the comparison."},{"startTime":2528.234,"endTime":2531.904,"body":"And this in this one I'm a dick,"},{"startTime":2528.234,"endTime":2531.904,"body":"but I'm holding something."},{"startTime":2531.904,"endTime":2534.031,"body":"Yeah,"},{"startTime":2534.114,"endTime":2534.907,"body":"yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":2534.907,"endTime":2535.407,"body":"What's in."},{"startTime":2535.407,"endTime":2538.244,"body":"The next time"},{"startTime":2535.407,"endTime":2538.244,"body":"I'm holding. A terrorist or an apple?"},{"startTime":2538.244,"endTime":2541.247,"body":"I can picture her the next day being like,"},{"startTime":2538.244,"endTime":2541.247,"body":"Let's try this again."},{"startTime":2541.372,"endTime":2544.083,"body":"Yeah, that's exactly. No,"},{"startTime":2544.083,"endTime":2544.667,"body":"because thing you're."},{"startTime":2544.667,"endTime":2545.834,"body":"Holding is a butt plug."},{"startTime":2545.834,"endTime":2548.003,"body":"That's why is it's an insult."},{"startTime":2548.003,"endTime":2550.506,"body":"That's where it becomes the euphemism."},{"startTime":2550.506,"endTime":2553.133,"body":"Yeah. I'm dick holding an apple."},{"startTime":2553.133,"endTime":2556.095,"body":"And, Laura, you're supposed"},{"startTime":2553.133,"endTime":2556.095,"body":"to hold your tongue when you say that."},{"startTime":2556.22,"endTime":2556.971,"body":"I didn't know."},{"startTime":2556.971,"endTime":2559.306,"body":"I mean, what was it like?"},{"startTime":2556.971,"endTime":2559.306,"body":"A penis was like my arm."},{"startTime":2559.306,"endTime":2561.1,"body":"I mean, an arm holding a baby's."},{"startTime":2561.1,"endTime":2563.686,"body":"Arm holding an apple."},{"startTime":2561.1,"endTime":2563.686,"body":"Okay, that's it. It was."},{"startTime":2563.686,"endTime":2566.105,"body":"That's a very sexy way to say"},{"startTime":2563.686,"endTime":2566.105,"body":"I have a huge dick."},{"startTime":2566.105,"endTime":2567.147,"body":"Okay, well, I do."},{"startTime":2567.147,"endTime":2569.65,"body":"My friend Phil with the horniest person"},{"startTime":2567.147,"endTime":2569.65,"body":"I've ever known."},{"startTime":2569.65,"endTime":2570.734,"body":"Philip."},{"startTime":2570.734,"endTime":2572.903,"body":"Philip,"},{"startTime":2570.734,"endTime":2572.903,"body":"That is the dirtiest person he told."},{"startTime":2572.903,"endTime":2574.363,"body":"He's the guy who said that all the time."},{"startTime":2574.363,"endTime":2576.532,"body":"We were like, Dude,"},{"startTime":2574.363,"endTime":2576.532,"body":"my dick is a baby's armhole, an apple."},{"startTime":2576.532,"endTime":2577.7,"body":"That's my version of that."},{"startTime":2577.7,"endTime":2581.245,"body":"And it always make jokes about, like,"},{"startTime":2577.7,"endTime":2581.245,"body":"if a woman was sweating, he'd look at you"},{"startTime":2581.245,"endTime":2582.83,"body":"and be like, It moved."},{"startTime":2582.83,"endTime":2585.374,"body":"Which means like his dick is. Getting, Oh."},{"startTime":2585.374,"endTime":2586.792,"body":"When I tell you the oldest."},{"startTime":2586.792,"endTime":2588.419,"body":"GROSS We worked in a restaurant together,"},{"startTime":2588.419,"endTime":2590.879,"body":"so the oldest gross is"},{"startTime":2588.419,"endTime":2590.879,"body":"when we would walk by and he'd just go."},{"startTime":2590.879,"endTime":2593.132,"body":"It, move every time."},{"startTime":2593.132,"endTime":2596.343,"body":"Every time you come up behind you and"},{"startTime":2593.132,"endTime":2596.343,"body":"whisper while you're talking to a table,"},{"startTime":2596.385,"endTime":2599.471,"body":"go it move is great."},{"startTime":2599.555,"endTime":2601.64,"body":"One thing we did in elementary schools"},{"startTime":2599.555,"endTime":2601.64,"body":"where they make you write"},{"startTime":2601.64,"endTime":2604.727,"body":"your name at the beginning of the year"},{"startTime":2601.64,"endTime":2604.727,"body":"and then you write the end of the year."},{"startTime":2604.727,"endTime":2606.645,"body":"But it was the year"},{"startTime":2604.727,"endTime":2606.645,"body":"they taught us cursive."},{"startTime":2606.645,"endTime":2607.187,"body":"Oh, sure."},{"startTime":2607.187,"endTime":2611.567,"body":"So at the end of the year,"},{"startTime":2607.187,"endTime":2611.567,"body":"it looked like I'd had a stroke. Or."},{"startTime":2611.567,"endTime":2613.819,"body":"That I. George, run it with my feet."},{"startTime":2611.567,"endTime":2613.819,"body":"It's hard."},{"startTime":2613.819,"endTime":2615.904,"body":"Nobody writes in cursive anymore, though."},{"startTime":2615.904,"endTime":2617.239,"body":"Yeah, because why would they have to."},{"startTime":2617.239,"endTime":2619.116,"body":"Yeah, it's handwriting doesn't matter."},{"startTime":2619.116,"endTime":2619.617,"body":"I know."},{"startTime":2619.617,"endTime":2619.867,"body":"I mean,"},{"startTime":2619.867,"endTime":2623.245,"body":"it's like my grandma's handwriting"},{"startTime":2619.867,"endTime":2623.245,"body":"look like my other grandma's handwriting."},{"startTime":2623.245,"endTime":2626.206,"body":"Look like every old lady's handwriting."},{"startTime":2623.245,"endTime":2626.206,"body":"It was beautiful."},{"startTime":2626.206,"endTime":2628.083,"body":"It was beautiful, right?"},{"startTime":2628.083,"endTime":2630.294,"body":"Yeah. With they wrote with a feather."},{"startTime":2630.294,"endTime":2632.921,"body":"Yeah, like a quill. Well."},{"startTime":2632.921,"endTime":2634.465,"body":"Very specific and very. Yeah."},{"startTime":2634.465,"endTime":2637.009,"body":"Do you know. How, like, Disney movies"},{"startTime":2634.465,"endTime":2637.009,"body":"and Looney Tunes would do this, too?"},{"startTime":2637.009,"endTime":2638.594,"body":"But, like,"},{"startTime":2637.009,"endTime":2638.594,"body":"it's like Sleeping Beauty or something"},{"startTime":2638.594,"endTime":2642.514,"body":"would start with, like, the storybook"},{"startTime":2638.594,"endTime":2642.514,"body":"opening and it would have the page of it."},{"startTime":2642.681,"endTime":2646.56,"body":"But I remember being a kid, being"},{"startTime":2642.681,"endTime":2646.56,"body":"like, Bitch, I can't read."},{"startTime":2646.644,"endTime":2647.895,"body":"I'm fine."},{"startTime":2647.895,"endTime":2649.521,"body":"I guess somebody reading."},{"startTime":2649.521,"endTime":2650.898,"body":"All this shit is going on."},{"startTime":2650.898,"endTime":2653.359,"body":"Subtitle"},{"startTime":2650.898,"endTime":2653.359,"body":"Looney Tunes did that all the time"},{"startTime":2653.359,"endTime":2655.11,"body":"where there'd be like a product"},{"startTime":2653.359,"endTime":2655.11,"body":"that they'd hold it"},{"startTime":2655.11,"endTime":2657.571,"body":"like warning explodes off"},{"startTime":2655.11,"endTime":2657.571,"body":"near bunnies or something."},{"startTime":2657.571,"endTime":2658.906,"body":"And I remember being like, I can't read."},{"startTime":2658.906,"endTime":2660.699,"body":"They had some grown up jokes in there."},{"startTime":2660.699,"endTime":2665.371,"body":"Yeah, I think all the things that you read"},{"startTime":2660.699,"endTime":2665.371,"body":"in the cartoons I never got."},{"startTime":2665.371,"endTime":2667.456,"body":"But for. Adults, yeah."},{"startTime":2667.456,"endTime":2668.874,"body":"It's all more propaganda."},{"startTime":2668.874,"endTime":2671.752,"body":"Yeah, it's like Bugs is, but yeah."},{"startTime":2671.752,"endTime":2672.544,"body":"Have you seen that though?"},{"startTime":2672.544,"endTime":2676.131,"body":"All the, like, Bugs and Daffy"},{"startTime":2672.544,"endTime":2676.131,"body":"go to war and like, all that shit."},{"startTime":2676.173,"endTime":2678.342,"body":"Is it coming back"},{"startTime":2676.173,"endTime":2678.342,"body":"on? It's back in business."},{"startTime":2678.342,"endTime":2679.551,"body":"I have no. Idea."},{"startTime":2679.551,"endTime":2682.096,"body":"No, I just. I had a film history teacher"},{"startTime":2679.551,"endTime":2682.096,"body":"that would like."},{"startTime":2682.096,"endTime":2684.556,"body":"Oh, I love that."},{"startTime":2682.096,"endTime":2684.556,"body":"Only show was fucked up stuff."},{"startTime":2684.556,"endTime":2688.769,"body":"Well, it was so smart too, because"},{"startTime":2684.556,"endTime":2688.769,"body":"I remember there was a Bugs Bunny cartoon."},{"startTime":2688.769,"endTime":2691.939,"body":"I hope I probably talked about this"},{"startTime":2688.769,"endTime":2691.939,"body":"before, but that kind of alluded"},{"startTime":2691.939,"endTime":2696.985,"body":"to gangsters and prohibition because"},{"startTime":2691.939,"endTime":2696.985,"body":"there was like the Irish cops came."},{"startTime":2696.985,"endTime":2698.237,"body":"Over and shot."},{"startTime":2698.237,"endTime":2699.196,"body":"Somebody. Yes."},{"startTime":2699.196,"endTime":2701.865,"body":"And Bugs said, if I was going to hide"},{"startTime":2699.196,"endTime":2701.865,"body":"Big Boy McGillicuddy,"},{"startTime":2701.865,"endTime":2704.868,"body":"or when I hide them in the stove"},{"startTime":2701.865,"endTime":2704.868,"body":"and then the Irish cop,"},{"startTime":2704.868,"endTime":2708.372,"body":"because you might have it,"},{"startTime":2704.868,"endTime":2708.372,"body":"you might want hide them under the bed."},{"startTime":2708.455,"endTime":2712.084,"body":"You're my trainer to like. And so they"},{"startTime":2712.167,"endTime":2712.543,"body":"like."},{"startTime":2712.543,"endTime":2714.086,"body":"You're trying to kill the gangsters."},{"startTime":2714.086,"endTime":2717.965,"body":"They put all of their names"},{"startTime":2714.086,"endTime":2717.965,"body":"were kind of like, you know, lefty or."},{"startTime":2718.09,"endTime":2720.509,"body":"Yeah, you know, the cartoon gangsters?"},{"startTime":2718.09,"endTime":2720.509,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2720.509,"endTime":2723.512,"body":"Did you notice that Monty started barking"},{"startTime":2720.509,"endTime":2723.512,"body":"when you did your Bugs Bunny voice?"},{"startTime":2723.554,"endTime":2725.639,"body":"Know? He's like,"},{"startTime":2723.554,"endTime":2725.639,"body":"Where's that fucking rabbit?"},{"startTime":2725.639,"endTime":2726.432,"body":"There's that rabbit."},{"startTime":2726.432,"endTime":2729.017,"body":"Again for the bugs that."},{"startTime":2729.017,"endTime":2730.519,"body":"Has. Bugs. Oh, good."},{"startTime":2730.519,"endTime":2732.229,"body":"I have a dog named Bugs. I don't."},{"startTime":2732.229,"endTime":2736.984,"body":"I don't have a lot of bugs."},{"startTime":2737.067,"endTime":2738.277,"body":"How are your bugs?"},{"startTime":2738.277,"endTime":2739.82,"body":"Yeah, Her name's bugs."},{"startTime":2739.82,"endTime":2742.239,"body":"Short for bugs. Nessa Gonzalez."},{"startTime":2742.239,"endTime":2743.824,"body":"Oh, yeah, She's the sweet."},{"startTime":2743.824,"endTime":2745.617,"body":"She's a boxer."},{"startTime":2745.617,"endTime":2748.412,"body":"So we rescued her after Hurricane"},{"startTime":2748.412,"endTime":2751.415,"body":"Harvey hit,"},{"startTime":2748.412,"endTime":2751.415,"body":"and they told us she was a pug."},{"startTime":2751.623,"endTime":2753.125,"body":"Oh, right."},{"startTime":2753.125,"endTime":2754.918,"body":"They were like, We got bugs."},{"startTime":2754.918,"endTime":2756.879,"body":"We're full of bugs."},{"startTime":2756.879,"endTime":2759.923,"body":"And at the time, I lived"},{"startTime":2756.879,"endTime":2759.923,"body":"in a studio apartment with my boyfriend."},{"startTime":2759.923,"endTime":2762.05,"body":"I have boyfriend, and he was."},{"startTime":2762.05,"endTime":2763.802,"body":"We were like, Yeah, we need a little dog."},{"startTime":2763.802,"endTime":2766.638,"body":"And now she's £60. Huge."},{"startTime":2766.638,"endTime":2768.515,"body":"Yeah. So cute. So cute."},{"startTime":2768.515,"endTime":2769.892,"body":"But we love her so much."},{"startTime":2769.892,"endTime":2771.101,"body":"Is your boyfriend from Austin?"},{"startTime":2771.101,"endTime":2773.061,"body":"He's from the Dallas area."},{"startTime":2773.061,"endTime":2775.063,"body":"So, like Tyler, Texas."},{"startTime":2775.063,"endTime":2778.066,"body":"Okay, he is. Yeah. Yeah, he's from there."},{"startTime":2778.192,"endTime":2779.777,"body":"But yeah, and I'm from the border."},{"startTime":2779.777,"endTime":2781.278,"body":"Laredo RGV."},{"startTime":2781.278,"endTime":2783.197,"body":"I was going to say,"},{"startTime":2781.278,"endTime":2783.197,"body":"isn't he glad that you're just"},{"startTime":2783.197,"endTime":2785.783,"body":"that you're both just staying in Austin"},{"startTime":2783.197,"endTime":2785.783,"body":"or does he want."},{"startTime":2785.783,"endTime":2786.575,"body":"He didn't wanna come out here."},{"startTime":2786.575,"endTime":2791.288,"body":"Did he know what he was about to, like,"},{"startTime":2786.575,"endTime":2791.288,"body":"make the big jump and move with me?"},{"startTime":2791.288,"endTime":2793.54,"body":"We were doing the long distance thing,"},{"startTime":2791.288,"endTime":2793.54,"body":"but then everything"},{"startTime":2793.54,"endTime":2796.877,"body":"shut down and I was like, Oh, thank God"},{"startTime":2793.54,"endTime":2796.877,"body":"you didn't quit your job because we need."},{"startTime":2796.877,"endTime":2799.671,"body":"Your job right now."},{"startTime":2799.755,"endTime":2802.382,"body":"So his whole"},{"startTime":2799.755,"endTime":2802.382,"body":"family's there, my whole family's there."},{"startTime":2802.382,"endTime":2806.011,"body":"But we've talked and I'm like,"},{"startTime":2802.382,"endTime":2806.011,"body":"If we have to move, he."},{"startTime":2806.094,"endTime":2806.929,"body":"He would be down."},{"startTime":2806.929,"endTime":2809.264,"body":"You made a good move at that time, though."},{"startTime":2809.264,"endTime":2811.183,"body":"Alien pandemic was fucking insane."},{"startTime":2811.183,"endTime":2813.977,"body":"It was. Your world,"},{"startTime":2811.183,"endTime":2813.977,"body":"you know what I mean? And stuff like that."},{"startTime":2813.977,"endTime":2815.103,"body":"It was so different."},{"startTime":2815.103,"endTime":2817.189,"body":"Yeah, but if you and your boyfriend"},{"startTime":2815.103,"endTime":2817.189,"body":"ever want to come out,"},{"startTime":2817.189,"endTime":2819.066,"body":"if you have to show her something,"},{"startTime":2817.189,"endTime":2819.066,"body":"you can only stay with us."},{"startTime":2819.066,"endTime":2820.025,"body":"Oh, thank you."},{"startTime":2820.025,"endTime":2822.861,"body":"You don't want to stay in know."},{"startTime":2822.861,"endTime":2825.614,"body":"It. To be Handler's down a little bit"},{"startTime":2822.861,"endTime":2825.614,"body":"like plane hours."},{"startTime":2825.614,"endTime":2828.575,"body":"Or whatever it is. Park in her parking."},{"startTime":2828.575,"endTime":2830.369,"body":"In a parking lot? No."},{"startTime":2830.369,"endTime":2831.411,"body":"But I love Laura's house."},{"startTime":2831.411,"endTime":2833.205,"body":"I was trying to confirm,"},{"startTime":2831.411,"endTime":2833.205,"body":"but you can always know."},{"startTime":2833.205,"endTime":2834.54,"body":"We always have friends and things."},{"startTime":2834.54,"endTime":2837.042,"body":"Yeah, especially comics and saying,"},{"startTime":2834.54,"endTime":2837.042,"body":"yeah, you need to."},{"startTime":2837.042,"endTime":2838.544,"body":"Be the comic crash. Pad."},{"startTime":2838.544,"endTime":2840.045,"body":"I used to be in New York."},{"startTime":2840.045,"endTime":2842.756,"body":"And when I only"},{"startTime":2840.045,"endTime":2842.756,"body":"when I was living in a studio, Dana"},{"startTime":2842.756,"endTime":2846.677,"body":"Gould and Jeff are all these guys"},{"startTime":2842.756,"endTime":2846.677,"body":"that were coming in from Boston. L.A."},{"startTime":2846.677,"endTime":2848.929,"body":"would crash at my place"},{"startTime":2846.677,"endTime":2848.929,"body":"and yeah, that was fun."},{"startTime":2848.929,"endTime":2851.515,"body":"Who were like your comedy influences"},{"startTime":2848.929,"endTime":2851.515,"body":"and stuff?"},{"startTime":2851.515,"endTime":2853.35,"body":"Who do you like to watch"},{"startTime":2851.515,"endTime":2853.35,"body":"when you were growing up?"},{"startTime":2853.35,"endTime":2856.353,"body":"Well,"},{"startTime":2853.35,"endTime":2856.353,"body":"I mean, recently I've been saying Cardi B."},{"startTime":2856.478,"endTime":2857.729,"body":"I think"},{"startTime":2857.813,"endTime":2859.731,"body":"she's so fine."},{"startTime":2859.731,"endTime":2862.15,"body":"No joke player is."},{"startTime":2862.15,"endTime":2865.153,"body":"Just so naturally funny. I look up to her."},{"startTime":2865.195,"endTime":2867.781,"body":"But growing up, I love John Leguizamo."},{"startTime":2867.781,"endTime":2870.45,"body":"Yeah, like is his one man shows."},{"startTime":2870.45,"endTime":2872.119,"body":"I was like, obsessed with them."},{"startTime":2872.119,"endTime":2874.58,"body":"What's the one about his gay Uncle Freak?"},{"startTime":2874.58,"endTime":2877.833,"body":"Yeah, yeah, that. That is amazing."},{"startTime":2874.58,"endTime":2877.833,"body":"So good."},{"startTime":2877.916,"endTime":2882.713,"body":"And I think I've, you know,"},{"startTime":2877.916,"endTime":2882.713,"body":"I talk about my family a lot and stuff."},{"startTime":2882.796,"endTime":2887.175,"body":"I loved watching Def Comedy Jam"},{"startTime":2882.796,"endTime":2887.175,"body":"like a martin Lawrence."},{"startTime":2887.175,"endTime":2890.178,"body":"Yeah. And there everybody on there"},{"startTime":2890.178,"endTime":2894.224,"body":"I was obsessed with to like HBO special"},{"startTime":2890.178,"endTime":2894.224,"body":"that came on."},{"startTime":2894.224,"endTime":2896.393,"body":"I remember"},{"startTime":2894.224,"endTime":2896.393,"body":"just watching over and over again."},{"startTime":2896.393,"endTime":2898.854,"body":"Yeah, I met Kathy Griffin."},{"startTime":2898.854,"endTime":2900.647,"body":"Yeah. Margaret Cho. Yeah."},{"startTime":2900.647,"endTime":2901.607,"body":"Laura Kightlinger or anybody."},{"startTime":2901.607,"endTime":2905.402,"body":"You know, I,"},{"startTime":2905.444,"endTime":2908.822,"body":"you know, Chelsea Handler."},{"startTime":2908.906,"endTime":2911.533,"body":"She's a lot of really funny women."},{"startTime":2911.533,"endTime":2914.328,"body":"But yeah, name Laura."},{"startTime":2914.328,"endTime":2916.163,"body":"I was. Told there weren't any when."},{"startTime":2916.163,"endTime":2918.582,"body":"I was growing up."},{"startTime":2918.665,"endTime":2921.376,"body":"Laura gave me a copy of her book,"},{"startTime":2918.665,"endTime":2921.376,"body":"and then any time"},{"startTime":2921.376,"endTime":2924.421,"body":"I ever asked her anything about her life,"},{"startTime":2921.376,"endTime":2924.421,"body":"she goes, You know, it's all in my book."},{"startTime":2924.504,"endTime":2928.425,"body":"Oh, I would love fucking like"},{"startTime":2928.508,"endTime":2929.927,"body":"I should have read the book."},{"startTime":2929.927,"endTime":2931.136,"body":"Yeah, yeah, I know."},{"startTime":2931.136,"endTime":2933.055,"body":"Yeah, there's a manual,"},{"startTime":2931.136,"endTime":2933.055,"body":"you know, just know if you."},{"startTime":2933.055,"endTime":2935.349,"body":"Think there is."},{"startTime":2935.349,"endTime":2937.517,"body":"An illegitimate, you know,"},{"startTime":2935.349,"endTime":2937.517,"body":"you're not right."},{"startTime":2937.517,"endTime":2940.312,"body":"I'm probably one of the funniest people,"},{"startTime":2937.517,"endTime":2940.312,"body":"you know, in my high school"},{"startTime":2940.312,"endTime":2942.105,"body":"that nobody knew. Right."},{"startTime":2942.105,"endTime":2944.441,"body":"And in life now. Yeah."},{"startTime":2944.441,"endTime":2946.234,"body":"But do you want to read an excerpt?"},{"startTime":2946.234,"endTime":2949.237,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":2946.234,"endTime":2949.237,"body":"Yeah. Did Vanessa get prepped on me."},{"startTime":2949.237,"endTime":2951.949,"body":"Before she came in here?"},{"startTime":2949.237,"endTime":2951.949,"body":"I don't think she did."},{"startTime":2951.949,"endTime":2952.824,"body":"You need. You mean."},{"startTime":2952.824,"endTime":2954.534,"body":"She mentioned every female coming."},{"startTime":2954.534,"endTime":2957.496,"body":"In the nineties? Everything Good one."},{"startTime":2957.496,"endTime":2959.79,"body":"Honestly,"},{"startTime":2957.496,"endTime":2959.79,"body":"that should have been your first book."},{"startTime":2959.79,"endTime":2960.707,"body":"Was the picture."},{"startTime":2960.707,"endTime":2962.584,"body":"The picture did the dick pic."},{"startTime":2962.584,"endTime":2964.67,"body":"That was. That."},{"startTime":2962.584,"endTime":2964.67,"body":"I mean, you two are both young."},{"startTime":2964.67,"endTime":2966.254,"body":"I mean, I felt like."},{"startTime":2966.254,"endTime":2968.548,"body":"Not like, like not Laura."},{"startTime":2968.548,"endTime":2970.884,"body":"Not only is she sweet,"},{"startTime":2968.548,"endTime":2970.884,"body":"but she's delusional. No."},{"startTime":2970.884,"endTime":2974.638,"body":"I mean, like, I feel like"},{"startTime":2970.884,"endTime":2974.638,"body":"not until I was like, in my mid-forties"},{"startTime":2974.638,"endTime":2977.474,"body":"did I realize, Wow,"},{"startTime":2974.638,"endTime":2977.474,"body":"everything was really fucked up."},{"startTime":2977.474,"endTime":2979.726,"body":"I mean, I mean,"},{"startTime":2977.474,"endTime":2979.726,"body":"how could you even tell people?"},{"startTime":2979.726,"endTime":2981.019,"body":"I mean, I always do."},{"startTime":2981.019,"endTime":2985.941,"body":"I can't keep a secret about anything, but,"},{"startTime":2981.019,"endTime":2985.941,"body":"I mean, just like when you look back"},{"startTime":2985.941,"endTime":2986.483,"body":"at the things"},{"startTime":2986.483,"endTime":2991.154,"body":"that were so crazy and wrong in childhood,"},{"startTime":2986.483,"endTime":2991.154,"body":"the way other people behaved."},{"startTime":2991.154,"endTime":2992.864,"body":"Yeah, Terrible wasn't."},{"startTime":2992.864,"endTime":2996.576,"body":"I mean, I feel like even now,"},{"startTime":2992.864,"endTime":2996.576,"body":"like, navigate in comedy"},{"startTime":2996.576,"endTime":3000.455,"body":"as a woman in this business, like,"},{"startTime":2996.576,"endTime":3000.455,"body":"there's still a lot of fucked up shit."},{"startTime":3000.622,"endTime":3001.123,"body":"Oh, yeah."},{"startTime":3001.123,"endTime":3004.126,"body":"But I'm like, I can't imagine how it was."},{"startTime":3004.209,"endTime":3006.294,"body":"Yeah. For I, I don't."},{"startTime":3006.294,"endTime":3009.965,"body":"Being from Austin,"},{"startTime":3006.294,"endTime":3009.965,"body":"there's no, it's a hard learning curve,"},{"startTime":3010.007,"endTime":3011.758,"body":"like the industry and stuff."},{"startTime":3011.758,"endTime":3014.511,"body":"And everyone in Texas might be racist,"},{"startTime":3011.758,"endTime":3014.511,"body":"but they're friendly."},{"startTime":3014.511,"endTime":3016.93,"body":"Yeah There's a. Weird friendliness."},{"startTime":3016.93,"endTime":3020.767,"body":"To. Even your political enemies"},{"startTime":3016.93,"endTime":3020.767,"body":"or someone are still, like, nice to. You."},{"startTime":3020.851,"endTime":3024.896,"body":"So the like, the betrayal"},{"startTime":3020.851,"endTime":3024.896,"body":"you can enter in the business, right?"},{"startTime":3024.938,"endTime":3026.648,"body":"Or whatever,"},{"startTime":3024.938,"endTime":3026.648,"body":"because they're trying to pursue comedy,"},{"startTime":3026.648,"endTime":3028.358,"body":"all that weird shit"},{"startTime":3026.648,"endTime":3028.358,"body":"where people are nice to you"},{"startTime":3028.358,"endTime":3030.944,"body":"but then stab you in the back are just"},{"startTime":3028.358,"endTime":3030.944,"body":"all of the craziness of like trying."},{"startTime":3030.944,"endTime":3032.946,"body":"And you're like, I'm"},{"startTime":3030.944,"endTime":3032.946,"body":"just a nice person trying to. Do my thing."},{"startTime":3032.946,"endTime":3033.739,"body":"I know."},{"startTime":3033.739,"endTime":3037.617,"body":"Yeah, I think every comedy scene"},{"startTime":3033.739,"endTime":3037.617,"body":"kind of has its drama,"},{"startTime":3037.701,"endTime":3041.496,"body":"but then, yeah, the industry"},{"startTime":3037.701,"endTime":3041.496,"body":"is like another layer of drama."},{"startTime":3041.496,"endTime":3041.913,"body":"I'm like."},{"startTime":3041.913,"endTime":3042.706,"body":"Well, I remember"},{"startTime":3042.706,"endTime":3043.206,"body":"just like,"},{"startTime":3043.206,"endTime":3048.128,"body":"you know, starting out in Boston"},{"startTime":3043.206,"endTime":3048.128,"body":"and this was probably like 88 or 89,"},{"startTime":3048.128,"endTime":3050.38,"body":"you know, a couple of years"},{"startTime":3048.128,"endTime":3050.38,"body":"after it started."},{"startTime":3050.38,"endTime":3054.509,"body":"I remember seeing these guys and I"},{"startTime":3050.38,"endTime":3054.509,"body":"won't say who was cornering this other guy"},{"startTime":3054.593,"endTime":3058.472,"body":"and really just putting him against a wall"},{"startTime":3054.593,"endTime":3058.472,"body":"for stealing and then, you know,"},{"startTime":3058.513,"endTime":3059.139,"body":"stealing jokes."},{"startTime":3059.139,"endTime":3059.765,"body":"Yeah, Yeah."},{"startTime":3059.765,"endTime":3063.435,"body":"Like really like, you know, like beating"},{"startTime":3059.765,"endTime":3063.435,"body":"basically kind of assault."},{"startTime":3063.477,"endTime":3065.645,"body":"Yeah, I think somebody"},{"startTime":3063.477,"endTime":3065.645,"body":"I think somebody may have punched him"},{"startTime":3065.645,"endTime":3067.147,"body":"and then everybody's like, wait a minute."},{"startTime":3067.147,"endTime":3069.066,"body":"Hey, let's"},{"startTime":3067.147,"endTime":3069.066,"body":"just tell him what was going on."},{"startTime":3069.066,"endTime":3070.734,"body":"Yeah, well, hang on."},{"startTime":3070.734,"endTime":3073.278,"body":"Let me get a turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":3073.361,"endTime":3075.238,"body":"Let's"},{"startTime":3073.361,"endTime":3075.238,"body":"just make sure this motherfucker doesn't."},{"startTime":3075.238,"endTime":3077.908,"body":"It doesn't steal again. Well, yeah,"},{"startTime":3075.238,"endTime":3077.908,"body":"you know."},{"startTime":3077.908,"endTime":3079.242,"body":"And so then."},{"startTime":3079.242,"endTime":3081.369,"body":"There was less accountability, right?"},{"startTime":3081.369,"endTime":3081.703,"body":"Because, like,"},{"startTime":3081.703,"endTime":3085.123,"body":"who's going to see that tell that there's"},{"startTime":3081.703,"endTime":3085.123,"body":"no social media campaign just about."},{"startTime":3085.123,"endTime":3086.083,"body":"Yeah, well, see,"},{"startTime":3086.083,"endTime":3090.921,"body":"but what I appreciate about"},{"startTime":3086.083,"endTime":3090.921,"body":"then is the immediate taking care of it."},{"startTime":3091.004,"endTime":3094.341,"body":"You know, like other than being able"},{"startTime":3091.004,"endTime":3094.341,"body":"to diffuse it and saying,"},{"startTime":3094.341,"endTime":3098.22,"body":"oh, that was paralleling or rose oh,"},{"startTime":3094.341,"endTime":3098.22,"body":"it was this or rationalize everything."},{"startTime":3098.22,"endTime":3099.805,"body":"But then it was like, No, you stole it."},{"startTime":3099.805,"endTime":3103.391,"body":"We all saw you,"},{"startTime":3099.805,"endTime":3103.391,"body":"you know, and a couple of times, like,"},{"startTime":3103.391,"endTime":3106.394,"body":"you can't really call people on stuff"},{"startTime":3103.391,"endTime":3106.394,"body":"unless it's on TV."},{"startTime":3106.394,"endTime":3107.771,"body":"And in this case, this guy, you know,"},{"startTime":3107.771,"endTime":3110.232,"body":"everybody was just starting"},{"startTime":3107.771,"endTime":3110.232,"body":"to get the little cable spots. Yeah."},{"startTime":3110.232,"endTime":3114.236,"body":"And the person that had taken this other"},{"startTime":3110.232,"endTime":3114.236,"body":"guy's, you know, it's kind of a long bit."},{"startTime":3114.319,"endTime":3116.071,"body":"It's like confronted."},{"startTime":3116.071,"endTime":3119.032,"body":"I'm so paranoid or I was I'm different"},{"startTime":3116.071,"endTime":3119.032,"body":"because now everybody posts"},{"startTime":3119.032,"endTime":3120.408,"body":"clips everywhere and everything. Yeah."},{"startTime":3120.408,"endTime":3123.328,"body":"But I used to like the reason"},{"startTime":3120.408,"endTime":3123.328,"body":"I wouldn't do open mikes in L.A."},{"startTime":3123.328,"endTime":3125.622,"body":"because I was like,"},{"startTime":3123.328,"endTime":3125.622,"body":"Someone's going to steal my jokes."},{"startTime":3125.622,"endTime":3126.456,"body":"But it happens."},{"startTime":3126.456,"endTime":3128.166,"body":"Yeah, it's it's like a thing."},{"startTime":3128.166,"endTime":3132.045,"body":"I had somebody tell me I was walking"},{"startTime":3128.166,"endTime":3132.045,"body":"into a club at the comedy Store."},{"startTime":3132.045,"endTime":3135.006,"body":"I was walking in, and this comic,"},{"startTime":3132.045,"endTime":3135.006,"body":"I didn't know, actually, but it was,"},{"startTime":3135.132,"endTime":3139.094,"body":"you know, nice guy who said, Hey,"},{"startTime":3135.132,"endTime":3139.094,"body":"you know, the other night we saw someone,"},{"startTime":3139.094,"endTime":3140.137,"body":"so do your bit."},{"startTime":3140.137,"endTime":3142.139,"body":"And we said, Hey, that's Laura's there."},{"startTime":3142.139,"endTime":3144.724,"body":"And I was like, Oh, thanks. Yeah."},{"startTime":3142.139,"endTime":3144.724,"body":"And I did this for so long."},{"startTime":3144.724,"endTime":3148.478,"body":"I said, Well, I was asked to do a benefit"},{"startTime":3144.724,"endTime":3148.478,"body":"for babies born addicted to crack."},{"startTime":3148.478,"endTime":3150.647,"body":"And I said, okay,"},{"startTime":3148.478,"endTime":3150.647,"body":"I'll help you raise money for them."},{"startTime":3150.647,"endTime":3156.111,"body":"But I think we both know"},{"startTime":3150.647,"endTime":3156.111,"body":"what they're going to spend it on."},{"startTime":3156.194,"endTime":3160.991,"body":"And I think I'd done I had done that."},{"startTime":3160.991,"endTime":3164.035,"body":"I called it somebody. Really. Yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":3164.202,"endTime":3168.081,"body":"In the nineties but, and so,"},{"startTime":3164.202,"endTime":3168.081,"body":"but I was so happy that"},{"startTime":3168.081,"endTime":3171.209,"body":"like oh somebody had heard it"},{"startTime":3168.081,"endTime":3171.209,"body":"and knew and said, you know."},{"startTime":3171.251,"endTime":3172.335,"body":"It was such a compliment."},{"startTime":3172.335,"endTime":3175.255,"body":"You can't just step all over everybody."},{"startTime":3172.335,"endTime":3175.255,"body":"Shit. Yeah."},{"startTime":3175.255,"endTime":3179.05,"body":"But now I feel like with the apps,"},{"startTime":3175.255,"endTime":3179.05,"body":"like the Tic Tacs and stuff, like"},{"startTime":3179.134,"endTime":3182.637,"body":"people are taking the voice and just like,"},{"startTime":3179.134,"endTime":3182.637,"body":"lip synching."},{"startTime":3182.846,"endTime":3183.847,"body":"Yep, yep."},{"startTime":3183.847,"endTime":3185.432,"body":"Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep."},{"startTime":3185.432,"endTime":3188.435,"body":"They go viral with your joke,"},{"startTime":3185.432,"endTime":3188.435,"body":"your voice. Yep."},{"startTime":3188.435,"endTime":3190.478,"body":"And your name isn't anywhere on that."},{"startTime":3190.478,"endTime":3191.855,"body":"Oh, wow. That's amazing."},{"startTime":3191.855,"endTime":3193.94,"body":"Because you're supposed to post more and."},{"startTime":3193.94,"endTime":3195.942,"body":"And it's such a mindfuck now."},{"startTime":3195.942,"endTime":3200.697,"body":"Comedy Central on their TikTok"},{"startTime":3195.942,"endTime":3200.697,"body":"posted my Comedy Central clip"},{"startTime":3200.906,"endTime":3202.574,"body":"and didn't put my name on."},{"startTime":3202.574,"endTime":3205.994,"body":"It was anywhere near it."},{"startTime":3202.574,"endTime":3205.994,"body":"All the commentary."},{"startTime":3206.036,"endTime":3208.205,"body":"Who's who's with me, who's going"},{"startTime":3206.036,"endTime":3208.205,"body":"Who's a comedienne? Hello."},{"startTime":3208.205,"endTime":3210.165,"body":"I have a message from. I'm like,"},{"startTime":3208.205,"endTime":3210.165,"body":"What shithead?"},{"startTime":3210.165,"endTime":3216.254,"body":"Gen Z Fuckface is putting material"},{"startTime":3210.165,"endTime":3216.254,"body":"out there for a comedy station without it."},{"startTime":3216.254,"endTime":3218.673,"body":"And then the person wrote back,"},{"startTime":3216.254,"endTime":3218.673,"body":"You're right to call us out for this."},{"startTime":3218.673,"endTime":3221.134,"body":"Yeah, It was like, Whoa, okay,"},{"startTime":3218.673,"endTime":3221.134,"body":"but where's the rule?"},{"startTime":3221.134,"endTime":3223.845,"body":"Can you fix"},{"startTime":3221.134,"endTime":3223.845,"body":"can you fix it? Oh, yeah. God, Yeah."},{"startTime":3223.845,"endTime":3227.724,"body":"They know the purveyors of comedy"},{"startTime":3223.845,"endTime":3227.724,"body":"didn't put my name on my own."},{"startTime":3227.724,"endTime":3229.893,"body":"Going to be so. Dumb. But it's."},{"startTime":3229.893,"endTime":3231.353,"body":"I don't know. Yeah, I can't see it."},{"startTime":3231.353,"endTime":3233.605,"body":"Because I was talking about this"},{"startTime":3231.353,"endTime":3233.605,"body":"yesterday."},{"startTime":3233.605,"endTime":3236.024,"body":"Like, you know, where I feel so tired?"},{"startTime":3236.024,"endTime":3237.525,"body":"I feel like I'm doing a lie."},{"startTime":3237.525,"endTime":3240.528,"body":"But then at the same time,"},{"startTime":3237.525,"endTime":3240.528,"body":"it's like, Wait, you got to be doing more."},{"startTime":3240.57,"endTime":3243.49,"body":"You've got to post more"},{"startTime":3240.57,"endTime":3243.49,"body":"and you got to be an influencer."},{"startTime":3243.49,"endTime":3244.866,"body":"You want to be an influencer?"},{"startTime":3244.866,"endTime":3246.785,"body":"No, I just want to do comedy."},{"startTime":3246.785,"endTime":3249.621,"body":"I want to be an influenza."},{"startTime":3249.704,"endTime":3251.665,"body":"And when."},{"startTime":3251.665,"endTime":3254.042,"body":"Daniel and I were calling ourselves"},{"startTime":3251.665,"endTime":3254.042,"body":"the under the Influencers."},{"startTime":3254.042,"endTime":3257.045,"body":"Yeah, I guess that's a."},{"startTime":3257.17,"endTime":3261.174,"body":"You know, though I think a lot of"},{"startTime":3257.17,"endTime":3261.174,"body":"it is like what I've realized like is"},{"startTime":3261.174,"endTime":3265.136,"body":"I've kind of been through both not having"},{"startTime":3261.174,"endTime":3265.136,"body":"to plug yourself, but having other people"},{"startTime":3265.136,"endTime":3270.016,"body":"plug you to now like it is like constant,"},{"startTime":3265.136,"endTime":3270.016,"body":"you know, you have to advertise yourself."},{"startTime":3270.1,"endTime":3271.559,"body":"And there's so many people."},{"startTime":3271.559,"endTime":3274.062,"body":"I know that I'm so bad at that. Yeah."},{"startTime":3274.062,"endTime":3274.896,"body":"And then."},{"startTime":3274.896,"endTime":3277.774,"body":"I don't mean to agree you,"},{"startTime":3274.896,"endTime":3277.774,"body":"but I am also. Bad. Yeah."},{"startTime":3277.774,"endTime":3280.36,"body":"I'm so bad at that. I'm like,"},{"startTime":3277.774,"endTime":3280.36,"body":"I just want to perform and."},{"startTime":3280.36,"endTime":3281.736,"body":"Yeah, I don't care. Yeah."},{"startTime":3281.736,"endTime":3285.365,"body":"And I think that's the generation gap"},{"startTime":3281.736,"endTime":3285.365,"body":"is that I'm too old to I don't care."},{"startTime":3285.615,"endTime":3286.741,"body":"Like it doesn't matter to me."},{"startTime":3286.741,"endTime":3288.785,"body":"So it's like, yeah,"},{"startTime":3286.741,"endTime":3288.785,"body":"I just want to perform live. Yeah."},{"startTime":3288.785,"endTime":3291.579,"body":"And whatever comes from"},{"startTime":3288.785,"endTime":3291.579,"body":"that is good for me."},{"startTime":3291.579,"endTime":3294.958,"body":"But like I post reels and lose followers,"},{"startTime":3291.579,"endTime":3294.958,"body":"that's my favorite thing."},{"startTime":3294.958,"endTime":3295.458,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3295.458,"endTime":3297.127,"body":"Oh, yes, yours are great."},{"startTime":3297.127,"endTime":3299.129,"body":"You know, every time I post."},{"startTime":3299.129,"endTime":3300.88,"body":"A live comedy clip."},{"startTime":3300.88,"endTime":3304.718,"body":"-400, I'm like, Oh, damn."},{"startTime":3304.801,"endTime":3306.678,"body":"So say yes."},{"startTime":3306.678,"endTime":3310.098,"body":"But I've been told"},{"startTime":3306.678,"endTime":3310.098,"body":"that I need to post more algorithm."},{"startTime":3310.181,"endTime":3310.724,"body":"All of it."},{"startTime":3310.724,"endTime":3313.518,"body":"I can't stand it, but it makes me."},{"startTime":3313.518,"endTime":3313.935,"body":"Yeah, I,"},{"startTime":3313.935,"endTime":3317.981,"body":"I remember when it was just agony"},{"startTime":3313.935,"endTime":3317.981,"body":"to, like, hang a poster in a coffee shop."},{"startTime":3318.064,"endTime":3318.69,"body":"Oh yeah."},{"startTime":3318.69,"endTime":3322.277,"body":"I was like, Y'all want me to drive"},{"startTime":3318.69,"endTime":3322.277,"body":"somewhere and tack something to a wall?"},{"startTime":3322.277,"endTime":3323.278,"body":"Give fucking love."},{"startTime":3323.278,"endTime":3324.279,"body":"You got a flier?"},{"startTime":3324.279,"endTime":3326.74,"body":"Yeah, I Used the flier. Yeah."},{"startTime":3326.74,"endTime":3329.576,"body":"Or try to get on the radio, right? Yeah."},{"startTime":3329.576,"endTime":3330.702,"body":"Oh, or the news."},{"startTime":3330.702,"endTime":3331.077,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3331.077,"endTime":3333.747,"body":"Oh, do you guys still get"},{"startTime":3331.077,"endTime":3333.747,"body":"do you do the morning radio."},{"startTime":3333.747,"endTime":3335.749,"body":"When I do clubs? Sometimes."},{"startTime":3335.749,"endTime":3337.792,"body":"When I was a musician,"},{"startTime":3335.749,"endTime":3337.792,"body":"there was a show you could get on."},{"startTime":3337.792,"endTime":3340.211,"body":"John Daly."},{"startTime":3337.792,"endTime":3340.211,"body":"Do you know John Daly down in Austin?"},{"startTime":3340.211,"endTime":3345.383,"body":"He was this legendary, like,"},{"startTime":3340.211,"endTime":3345.383,"body":"the most banal, annoying DJ he was on."},{"startTime":3345.592,"endTime":3347.719,"body":"He had a TV show on Cutie."},{"startTime":3347.719,"endTime":3348.678,"body":"It was so boring."},{"startTime":3348.678,"endTime":3350.513,"body":"But everybody loved him."},{"startTime":3348.678,"endTime":3350.513,"body":"It was the weirdest thing."},{"startTime":3350.513,"endTime":3353.6,"body":"But he was so he'd be like yellow,"},{"startTime":3353.683,"endTime":3355.894,"body":"lots of things are yellow."},{"startTime":3355.894,"endTime":3357.729,"body":"Here's this song about yellow."},{"startTime":3357.729,"endTime":3360.398,"body":"You fucking I'm in traffic."},{"startTime":3357.729,"endTime":3360.398,"body":"Johnny Lee, Fuck you."},{"startTime":3360.398,"endTime":3361.232,"body":"Oh, man."},{"startTime":3361.232,"endTime":3365.445,"body":"And but he had, he had a lot of listeners"},{"startTime":3361.232,"endTime":3365.445,"body":"and he's like, I got to play piano."},{"startTime":3365.528,"endTime":3369.491,"body":"I was a guest a few times on his show,"},{"startTime":3365.528,"endTime":3369.491,"body":"but I'll never forget one time"},{"startTime":3369.491,"endTime":3370.45,"body":"it was live, right?"},{"startTime":3370.45,"endTime":3373.953,"body":"And it was just me, old man, Johnny Lee,"},{"startTime":3370.45,"endTime":3373.953,"body":"and then his engineer."},{"startTime":3374.037,"endTime":3374.996,"body":"And he goes, He."},{"startTime":3374.996,"endTime":3376.998,"body":"He's in radio gear. He's in sweat pants."},{"startTime":3376.998,"endTime":3379.167,"body":"I'm like a year old man,"},{"startTime":3376.998,"endTime":3379.167,"body":"and I'm seated at the grand piano."},{"startTime":3379.167,"endTime":3380.794,"body":"I can't wait is my big moment."},{"startTime":3380.794,"endTime":3383.046,"body":"And he goes, okay, ready whenever you are."},{"startTime":3383.046,"endTime":3385.84,"body":"And he put his hands behind his head"},{"startTime":3383.046,"endTime":3385.84,"body":"and he spread his legs and lean back."},{"startTime":3385.84,"endTime":3388.426,"body":"And the biggest male camel toe"},{"startTime":3385.84,"endTime":3388.426,"body":"you've ever seen."},{"startTime":3388.426,"endTime":3392.138,"body":"I was like each one of his chest. Like,"},{"startTime":3388.426,"endTime":3392.138,"body":"I look like Laura's fucking self-portrait."},{"startTime":3392.222,"endTime":3393.598,"body":"And you two."},{"startTime":3393.598,"endTime":3396.226,"body":"Giant testicles like mid-thigh."},{"startTime":3396.226,"endTime":3397.977,"body":"Do you know what I'm saying?"},{"startTime":3397.977,"endTime":3399.145,"body":"And I'm like, I."},{"startTime":3399.145,"endTime":3401.398,"body":"That's all I could see. I'm a good singer."},{"startTime":3399.145,"endTime":3401.398,"body":"He goes, Okay, start."},{"startTime":3401.398,"endTime":3402.357,"body":"I was like."},{"startTime":3402.357,"endTime":3404.401,"body":"Oh, oh, were you?"},{"startTime":3404.401,"endTime":3406.486,"body":"I mean, I was like, 21, 22, 23."},{"startTime":3406.486,"endTime":3407.195,"body":"Like, you."},{"startTime":3407.195,"endTime":3408.154,"body":"Know, and I'm trying to be"},{"startTime":3408.154,"endTime":3412.117,"body":"like a professional and like, all this"},{"startTime":3408.154,"endTime":3412.117,"body":"it was the was I could."},{"startTime":3412.242,"endTime":3414.828,"body":"Talk to h.r. No,"},{"startTime":3414.828,"endTime":3415.829,"body":"no, I didn't know."},{"startTime":3415.829,"endTime":3418.123,"body":"What my next we were, but I was like,"},{"startTime":3415.829,"endTime":3418.123,"body":"is this the casting couch"},{"startTime":3418.123,"endTime":3419.374,"body":"or is he just so old?"},{"startTime":3419.374,"endTime":3421.292,"body":"He doesn't know"},{"startTime":3419.374,"endTime":3421.292,"body":"that his balls are at his knees."},{"startTime":3421.292,"endTime":3422.46,"body":"That's stuff."},{"startTime":3422.46,"endTime":3425.004,"body":"But yeah, I loved him. Radio was also fun."},{"startTime":3425.004,"endTime":3426.297,"body":"Oh, God, I did not."},{"startTime":3426.297,"endTime":3429.801,"body":"I hated like,"},{"startTime":3426.297,"endTime":3429.801,"body":"it was always some college kid."},{"startTime":3429.801,"endTime":3431.428,"body":"It was an intern."},{"startTime":3431.428,"endTime":3433.596,"body":"He didn't have the key."},{"startTime":3431.428,"endTime":3433.596,"body":"He didn't have the right time."},{"startTime":3433.596,"endTime":3434.139,"body":"Yeah, I was."},{"startTime":3434.139,"endTime":3436.766,"body":"Standing outside a radio station 630."},{"startTime":3436.766,"endTime":3437.225,"body":"I've been."},{"startTime":3437.225,"endTime":3440.27,"body":"I've not been to sleep at all. Yeah, Yeah."},{"startTime":3440.27,"endTime":3442.063,"body":"So have you excited about."},{"startTime":3442.063,"endTime":3443.106,"body":"Have you seen any of the town?"},{"startTime":3443.106,"endTime":3446.693,"body":"No, I've just seen you and I'm"},{"startTime":3443.106,"endTime":3446.693,"body":"waiting for this fucking thing to open."},{"startTime":3446.776,"endTime":3449.863,"body":"Yeah, and already"},{"startTime":3446.776,"endTime":3449.863,"body":"I see my answer. Exactly."},{"startTime":3449.863,"endTime":3451.364,"body":"I do love that about touring."},{"startTime":3451.364,"endTime":3452.991,"body":"And I notice it more with, like, a"},{"startTime":3452.991,"endTime":3454.909,"body":"like a theater tour"},{"startTime":3452.991,"endTime":3454.909,"body":"than, like a club to have a club tour."},{"startTime":3454.909,"endTime":3457.495,"body":"Also, do you notice whenever"},{"startTime":3454.909,"endTime":3457.495,"body":"because especially if you're traveling,"},{"startTime":3457.495,"endTime":3460.373,"body":"like with Chelsea,"},{"startTime":3457.495,"endTime":3460.373,"body":"where they want to advertise the town,"},{"startTime":3460.373,"endTime":3461.541,"body":"do they do that to you?"},{"startTime":3461.541,"endTime":3463.501,"body":"Try to give like a quick narration."},{"startTime":3463.501,"endTime":3466.796,"body":"Sometimes they're like, Yeah,"},{"startTime":3463.501,"endTime":3466.796,"body":"but usually we just"},{"startTime":3467.046,"endTime":3470.091,"body":"I don't know, It's hard because you're"},{"startTime":3467.046,"endTime":3470.091,"body":"doing a different city every night."},{"startTime":3470.091,"endTime":3472.927,"body":"You don't get to see the town. Yeah, Yeah."},{"startTime":3472.927,"endTime":3473.97,"body":"I love that. Though."},{"startTime":3473.97,"endTime":3474.804,"body":"Yeah, I love it."},{"startTime":3474.804,"endTime":3478.391,"body":"I'm like, sometimes if we have time,"},{"startTime":3474.804,"endTime":3478.391,"body":"we'll go to a museum or something,"},{"startTime":3478.391,"endTime":3481.394,"body":"but it's usually just dinner show. Go."},{"startTime":3481.478,"endTime":3483.521,"body":"Are you kind of naturally an early riser?"},{"startTime":3483.521,"endTime":3486.399,"body":"Because if you were teaching kids"},{"startTime":3483.521,"endTime":3486.399,"body":"and you used to get up early."},{"startTime":3486.399,"endTime":3489.486,"body":"Or I mean, I've lost. It."},{"startTime":3489.569,"endTime":3490.82,"body":"I mean, even when I was."},{"startTime":3490.82,"endTime":3493.781,"body":"A teacher, I wasn't a good early riser."},{"startTime":3493.781,"endTime":3495.825,"body":"I was always late to four."},{"startTime":3495.825,"endTime":3499.162,"body":"You guys just paused there"},{"startTime":3495.825,"endTime":3499.162,"body":"like I was going to say,"},{"startTime":3499.204,"endTime":3502.665,"body":"because you're your heritage,"},{"startTime":3499.204,"endTime":3502.665,"body":"you have kids,"},{"startTime":3502.749,"endTime":3506.127,"body":"you know, you have to do"},{"startTime":3506.211,"endTime":3508.63,"body":"it. You have to garden for other people."},{"startTime":3508.63,"endTime":3510.548,"body":"And your family probably had you."},{"startTime":3510.548,"endTime":3513.092,"body":"You know. It's Hispanic Heritage. Month."},{"startTime":3513.092,"endTime":3514.093,"body":"Thank you for having me."},{"startTime":3514.093,"endTime":3517.096,"body":"I love your face."},{"startTime":3517.096,"endTime":3518.181,"body":"I mean, you know."},{"startTime":3518.181,"endTime":3521.351,"body":"You're Mexican,"},{"startTime":3518.181,"endTime":3521.351,"body":"so you probably are used to getting up."},{"startTime":3521.351,"endTime":3522.936,"body":"Early, right?"},{"startTime":3522.936,"endTime":3525.98,"body":"Oh. We that was a freeze out."},{"startTime":3526.147,"endTime":3528.9,"body":"There's a there's a button"},{"startTime":3526.147,"endTime":3528.9,"body":"under the table, a signal to get."},{"startTime":3528.9,"endTime":3531.152,"body":"Laura is being raised as again, Garrett."},{"startTime":3531.152,"endTime":3534.447,"body":"I almost went through the window"},{"startTime":3531.152,"endTime":3534.447,"body":"and now I."},{"startTime":3534.531,"endTime":3536.407,"body":"I, I completely."},{"startTime":3536.407,"endTime":3541.663,"body":"Missed that A lot of I got a lot of"},{"startTime":3536.407,"endTime":3541.663,"body":"I really didn't mean to but also."},{"startTime":3541.663,"endTime":3543.081,"body":"A lot of. Of."},{"startTime":3543.081,"endTime":3547.877,"body":"Comics say they can't do it"},{"startTime":3543.081,"endTime":3547.877,"body":"because they like to get up at nine or ten"},{"startTime":3547.877,"endTime":3549.712,"body":"or, you know, even like any normal hour"},{"startTime":3549.712,"endTime":3552.84,"body":"than they have to, you know,"},{"startTime":3549.712,"endTime":3552.84,"body":"then they're crashing at six."},{"startTime":3552.84,"endTime":3555.76,"body":"But I've always thought getting up early."},{"startTime":3552.84,"endTime":3555.76,"body":"Always, always, always."},{"startTime":3555.76,"endTime":3558.555,"body":"I hated going to school"},{"startTime":3555.76,"endTime":3558.555,"body":"and I really almost like"},{"startTime":3558.555,"endTime":3562.433,"body":"get into a physical fight with my mother"},{"startTime":3558.555,"endTime":3562.433,"body":"and she tried to get me out of. Bed."},{"startTime":3562.517,"endTime":3563.685,"body":"And I pretend it was a dream."},{"startTime":3563.685,"endTime":3566.521,"body":"Say, oh, you know, hey,"},{"startTime":3566.604,"endTime":3568.356,"body":"wait a second."},{"startTime":3568.356,"endTime":3570.942,"body":"You said"},{"startTime":3568.356,"endTime":3570.942,"body":"you were dreaming. The other. Day."},{"startTime":3570.942,"endTime":3572.36,"body":"When you fly me across the base."},{"startTime":3572.36,"endTime":3573.945,"body":"Oh, I did. Mm."},{"startTime":3573.945,"endTime":3576.155,"body":"You are my walking sleep again."},{"startTime":3576.155,"endTime":3578.533,"body":"I said. Laura. Oh, you're right."},{"startTime":3578.533,"endTime":3580.118,"body":"Now I've given give it away."},{"startTime":3580.118,"endTime":3583.454,"body":"But no, but I just like,"},{"startTime":3580.118,"endTime":3583.454,"body":"I feel like there isn't"},{"startTime":3583.454,"endTime":3587.709,"body":"any other profession that I can be"},{"startTime":3583.454,"endTime":3587.709,"body":"creative in and be coming alive at night."},{"startTime":3587.792,"endTime":3592.005,"body":"Well, the new generation of everyone"},{"startTime":3587.792,"endTime":3592.005,"body":"so sensitive to everything is awakened"},{"startTime":3592.005,"endTime":3593.923,"body":"to the idea that kids can't learn."},{"startTime":3593.923,"endTime":3596.884,"body":"And at that. Hour."},{"startTime":3593.923,"endTime":3596.884,"body":"And I think that's right. Right."},{"startTime":3596.884,"endTime":3598.72,"body":"It's like, whoa,"},{"startTime":3596.884,"endTime":3598.72,"body":"you're forcing some kid out of bed."},{"startTime":3598.72,"endTime":3601.639,"body":"You're shoving them into some weird high"},{"startTime":3598.72,"endTime":3601.639,"body":"anxiety environment."},{"startTime":3601.639,"endTime":3605.518,"body":"And then it's like, focus on something"},{"startTime":3601.639,"endTime":3605.518,"body":"boring you don't give a shit about and."},{"startTime":3605.602,"endTime":3608.563,"body":"Have lunch at 10 a.m.."},{"startTime":3605.602,"endTime":3608.563,"body":"And I'm like, lunch."},{"startTime":3608.563,"endTime":3610.565,"body":"And lunch was Duncan six and Mountain Dew."},{"startTime":3610.565,"endTime":3611.399,"body":"Let's be real."},{"startTime":3611.399,"endTime":3614.694,"body":"That's on my fucking lunch was"},{"startTime":3611.399,"endTime":3614.694,"body":"I had a teacher."},{"startTime":3614.777,"endTime":3617.322,"body":"This was always the first period,"},{"startTime":3614.777,"endTime":3617.322,"body":"but it would switch, right?"},{"startTime":3617.322,"endTime":3618.823,"body":"Because we're in trimesters, right?"},{"startTime":3618.823,"endTime":3619.866,"body":"And so the first year"},{"startTime":3619.866,"endTime":3624.746,"body":"it was this math teacher"},{"startTime":3619.866,"endTime":3624.746,"body":"whose eyebrow skills were just like wax."},{"startTime":3624.746,"endTime":3627.665,"body":"I don't even know there was no hair."},{"startTime":3624.746,"endTime":3627.665,"body":"It was like, marker."},{"startTime":3627.665,"endTime":3628.374,"body":"Do you know what I mean?"},{"startTime":3628.374,"endTime":3629.876,"body":"Wow, this weird thing."},{"startTime":3629.876,"endTime":3631.586,"body":"And so I that's all I could stare at."},{"startTime":3631.586,"endTime":3632.92,"body":"I was like,"},{"startTime":3631.586,"endTime":3632.92,"body":"I couldn't get fractions or anything."},{"startTime":3632.92,"endTime":3634.672,"body":"I was just doing it"},{"startTime":3632.92,"endTime":3634.672,"body":"because they were fresh, Right?"},{"startTime":3634.672,"endTime":3635.673,"body":"It was the beginning of the day."},{"startTime":3635.673,"endTime":3636.174,"body":"Oh, man."},{"startTime":3636.174,"endTime":3639.135,"body":"And then later that year"},{"startTime":3636.174,"endTime":3639.135,"body":"I had her for the last period"},{"startTime":3639.135,"endTime":3642.93,"body":"and by then they were just these weird,"},{"startTime":3639.135,"endTime":3642.93,"body":"blurry shapes in her face I like."},{"startTime":3643.014,"endTime":3645.308,"body":"And then another time"},{"startTime":3643.014,"endTime":3645.308,"body":"it was the first period, right?"},{"startTime":3645.308,"endTime":3647.226,"body":"And you're just so tired,"},{"startTime":3645.308,"endTime":3647.226,"body":"you can't even focus."},{"startTime":3647.226,"endTime":3650.188,"body":"And it was the first day of class."},{"startTime":3647.226,"endTime":3650.188,"body":"Our English teachers name."},{"startTime":3650.188,"endTime":3650.98,"body":"Her last name was Bo."},{"startTime":3650.98,"endTime":3654.651,"body":"Bo Bo Bo. No, Ms.. Bo Bo No."},{"startTime":3654.692,"endTime":3656.736,"body":"And she has to walk us through her name"},{"startTime":3656.736,"endTime":3659.739,"body":"because obviously every kid"},{"startTime":3656.736,"endTime":3659.739,"body":"has tried to like, tear to shreds."},{"startTime":3659.864,"endTime":3662.742,"body":"So she starts by telling us"},{"startTime":3659.864,"endTime":3662.742,"body":"her full name is Gai Bo. Bo."},{"startTime":3662.742,"endTime":3665.536,"body":"No, no."},{"startTime":3665.62,"endTime":3666.621,"body":"Her name is gay."},{"startTime":3666.621,"endTime":3669.916,"body":"Bo Bo G-a-y Bo Bo."},{"startTime":3669.916,"endTime":3673.127,"body":"And the reason she's named gay"},{"startTime":3669.916,"endTime":3673.127,"body":"is because her parents named her"},{"startTime":3673.127,"endTime":3677.548,"body":"after the Enola Gay, which is the plane"},{"startTime":3673.127,"endTime":3677.548,"body":"that dropped the bomb on Japan."},{"startTime":3677.632,"endTime":3678.883,"body":"Oh, try."},{"startTime":3678.883,"endTime":3680.301,"body":"Try not laughing."},{"startTime":3680.301,"endTime":3682.595,"body":"815. A m. At that point, I."},{"startTime":3682.595,"endTime":3685.556,"body":"Be like my parents named me that"},{"startTime":3682.595,"endTime":3685.556,"body":"because they don't love. Me."},{"startTime":3685.556,"endTime":3687.558,"body":"I don't hate me."},{"startTime":3687.558,"endTime":3689.435,"body":"Her name is gay. Bo Bo."},{"startTime":3689.435,"endTime":3691.479,"body":"Oh, and she's not a comedian?"},{"startTime":3691.479,"endTime":3693.231,"body":"No. She's the worst teacher ever."},{"startTime":3693.231,"endTime":3695.108,"body":"She's so mean. That would have been good."},{"startTime":3695.108,"endTime":3696.109,"body":"She made us read out loud."},{"startTime":3696.109,"endTime":3699.946,"body":"You remember when you had a, like, popcorn"},{"startTime":3696.109,"endTime":3699.946,"body":"read, you know, eat out, read out loud,"},{"startTime":3699.946,"endTime":3703.032,"body":"and then you'd you'd be reading"},{"startTime":3699.946,"endTime":3703.032,"body":"and then you go popcorn, Laura."},{"startTime":3703.241,"endTime":3705.284,"body":"And you have to pick up to make sure"},{"startTime":3703.241,"endTime":3705.284,"body":"everything And we."},{"startTime":3705.284,"endTime":3706.828,"body":"Never had. Yeah."},{"startTime":3706.828,"endTime":3709.872,"body":"And so everyone has the book open"},{"startTime":3706.828,"endTime":3709.872,"body":"and their popcorn Vanessa But it was"},{"startTime":3709.872,"endTime":3712.834,"body":"put in had Wilson it's a marked"},{"startTime":3709.872,"endTime":3712.834,"body":"do you know that book."},{"startTime":3712.917,"endTime":3714.961,"body":"It has the N-word every other word."},{"startTime":3714.961,"endTime":3718.172,"body":"Oh so we were popcorn in wording No."},{"startTime":3718.214,"endTime":3720.842,"body":"Yes for all white kids. Yeah."},{"startTime":3720.842,"endTime":3722.51,"body":"Well, no one black kid."},{"startTime":3722.51,"endTime":3723.761,"body":"Oh, no. Lil Williams."},{"startTime":3723.761,"endTime":3725.638,"body":"Oh, God, I know, but that was gay. Bob."},{"startTime":3725.638,"endTime":3729.308,"body":"I feel like the teachers in Texas,"},{"startTime":3725.638,"endTime":3729.308,"body":"the ones I experience, like, I"},{"startTime":3729.308,"endTime":3731.519,"body":"never had, like, a michelle."},{"startTime":3731.602,"endTime":3733.604,"body":"So. You know."},{"startTime":3733.604,"endTime":3735.732,"body":"I never had, like, a stand and deliver."},{"startTime":3735.732,"endTime":3738.109,"body":"No, like, none of them cared. No."},{"startTime":3738.109,"endTime":3740.778,"body":"My older brother."},{"startTime":3738.109,"endTime":3740.778,"body":"Oh, I thought you meant beautiful."},{"startTime":3740.778,"endTime":3742.78,"body":"Oh, well, that too."},{"startTime":3742.78,"endTime":3744.907,"body":"I never like, like that. Even though."},{"startTime":3744.907,"endTime":3746.367,"body":"I might have gone a different way if."},{"startTime":3746.367,"endTime":3748.411,"body":"I had my."},{"startTime":3748.411,"endTime":3751.33,"body":"My older brother"},{"startTime":3748.411,"endTime":3751.33,"body":"would get the paddle at school."},{"startTime":3751.33,"endTime":3752.582,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3752.582,"endTime":3753.332,"body":"We had it."},{"startTime":3753.332,"endTime":3756.335,"body":"I didn't get it,"},{"startTime":3753.332,"endTime":3756.335,"body":"but I can name names who got paddled."},{"startTime":3756.461,"endTime":3757.67,"body":"Yeah. Yeah, we hang on."},{"startTime":3757.67,"endTime":3760.214,"body":"But then they stopped doing that in Texas."},{"startTime":3760.214,"endTime":3761.215,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3761.215,"endTime":3763.217,"body":"But they stopped doing it in the nineties."},{"startTime":3763.217,"endTime":3764.051,"body":"Oh right."},{"startTime":3764.051,"endTime":3766.137,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3764.051,"endTime":3766.137,"body":"I guess I went straight to the gay bars."},{"startTime":3766.137,"endTime":3767.68,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3767.68,"endTime":3769.474,"body":"That paddle made me gay."},{"startTime":3769.474,"endTime":3770.099,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3770.099,"endTime":3772.602,"body":"Yeah, it would hang on the wall"},{"startTime":3770.099,"endTime":3772.602,"body":"and Miss George's room. Yeah."},{"startTime":3772.602,"endTime":3773.644,"body":"And it was one of those."},{"startTime":3773.644,"endTime":3775.772,"body":"I think I talked about this."},{"startTime":3773.644,"endTime":3775.772,"body":"You had accordion doors, right?"},{"startTime":3775.772,"endTime":3776.439,"body":"So, like,"},{"startTime":3776.439,"endTime":3777.315,"body":"so on rainy days"},{"startTime":3777.315,"endTime":3780.485,"body":"when you can go outside for recess,"},{"startTime":3777.315,"endTime":3780.485,"body":"they'd open the accordion doors and merge"},{"startTime":3780.485,"endTime":3783.821,"body":"the two classrooms and play, like, heads"},{"startTime":3780.485,"endTime":3783.821,"body":"up, seven up or something like that."},{"startTime":3784.03,"endTime":3787.742,"body":"But Miss George was the other teacher,"},{"startTime":3784.03,"endTime":3787.742,"body":"so when they'd open the doors,"},{"startTime":3787.742,"endTime":3791.579,"body":"that's when our classroom would see"},{"startTime":3787.742,"endTime":3791.579,"body":"the paddle and there would be a murmur."},{"startTime":3791.579,"endTime":3792.58,"body":"There'd be a."},{"startTime":3792.58,"endTime":3795.082,"body":"Oh. Yeah, because we'd heard legends."},{"startTime":3795.082,"endTime":3796.626,"body":"She's a mean that's."},{"startTime":3796.626,"endTime":3799.003,"body":"They were spanking kids still in school."},{"startTime":3799.003,"endTime":3800.922,"body":"You know,"},{"startTime":3799.003,"endTime":3800.922,"body":"now you just hang a gun on the wall."},{"startTime":3800.922,"endTime":3802.799,"body":"How many Oh my God."},{"startTime":3802.799,"endTime":3804.3,"body":"Can you imagine for safety?"},{"startTime":3804.3,"endTime":3806.552,"body":"Those are the days, right?"},{"startTime":3804.3,"endTime":3806.552,"body":"Can you imagine?"},{"startTime":3806.552,"endTime":3808.095,"body":"So what are you working on these days?"},{"startTime":3808.095,"endTime":3808.93,"body":"You're touring?"},{"startTime":3808.93,"endTime":3812.266,"body":"I'm touring with Chelsea"},{"startTime":3808.93,"endTime":3812.266,"body":"until the end of the year."},{"startTime":3812.35,"endTime":3813.226,"body":"I'll be headliner."},{"startTime":3813.226,"endTime":3815.394,"body":"When does this come out? And next week."},{"startTime":3815.394,"endTime":3818.731,"body":"Oh. We'll make sure it comes out"},{"startTime":3815.394,"endTime":3818.731,"body":"during Hispanic Heritage Month."},{"startTime":3818.856,"endTime":3821.317,"body":"Better."},{"startTime":3818.856,"endTime":3821.317,"body":"What is it? Latin American, Hispanic."},{"startTime":3821.317,"endTime":3824.904,"body":"Or Hispanic heritage, do you know?"},{"startTime":3824.946,"endTime":3828.533,"body":"Well, it is September 15th to October"},{"startTime":3824.946,"endTime":3828.533,"body":"15th."},{"startTime":3828.616,"endTime":3829.408,"body":"It's like."},{"startTime":3829.408,"endTime":3830.076,"body":"We missed it."},{"startTime":3830.076,"endTime":3831.619,"body":"Basically this month."},{"startTime":3831.619,"endTime":3833.329,"body":"Yeah, we don't get a whole month."},{"startTime":3833.329,"endTime":3838.251,"body":"They wonder my lawn hasn't been mowed."},{"startTime":3838.334,"endTime":3839.669,"body":"Really jam"},{"startTime":3839.669,"endTime":3843.548,"body":"This is the they I cannot believe"},{"startTime":3839.669,"endTime":3843.548,"body":"they didn't even give you a whole month."},{"startTime":3843.548,"endTime":3847.51,"body":"No. And it starts on September 15th"},{"startTime":3843.548,"endTime":3847.51,"body":"because that's when Coco came out."},{"startTime":3847.552,"endTime":3848.886,"body":"She was shot."},{"startTime":3848.886,"endTime":3850.263,"body":"Oh, my God."},{"startTime":3850.263,"endTime":3852.473,"body":"No way."},{"startTime":3852.473,"endTime":3853.808,"body":"But, yeah, I appreciate it."},{"startTime":3853.808,"endTime":3855.184,"body":"We came out there."},{"startTime":3855.184,"endTime":3857.77,"body":"Watch Selena. Watch something."},{"startTime":3857.77,"endTime":3861.524,"body":"You know, it's funny, all my friends, that"},{"startTime":3857.77,"endTime":3861.524,"body":"because I'm from the border,"},{"startTime":3861.524,"endTime":3864.527,"body":"you know, so it's pretty much Mexico"},{"startTime":3861.524,"endTime":3864.527,"body":"where I grew up."},{"startTime":3864.569,"endTime":3867.655,"body":"But all of my friends"},{"startTime":3864.569,"endTime":3867.655,"body":"that had Spanish class,"},{"startTime":3867.655,"endTime":3870.825,"body":"like in North Texas,"},{"startTime":3867.655,"endTime":3870.825,"body":"they're like, Oh, we watch Selena."},{"startTime":3870.825,"endTime":3872.285,"body":"I did too, in Spanish class."},{"startTime":3872.285,"endTime":3876.497,"body":"Selena is in English. Yeah, well,"},{"startTime":3876.581,"endTime":3878.499,"body":"the movie that you know, is in English."},{"startTime":3878.499,"endTime":3883.671,"body":"Our Spanish teacher, Glenda Hamilton,"},{"startTime":3878.499,"endTime":3883.671,"body":"a white lady, she showed us what?"},{"startTime":3883.713,"endTime":3885.756,"body":"Mi familia. Oh, yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":3885.756,"endTime":3887.466,"body":"Which is also an. English,"},{"startTime":3885.756,"endTime":3887.466,"body":"also in English."},{"startTime":3887.466,"endTime":3891.262,"body":"But she showed us Selena twice"},{"startTime":3887.466,"endTime":3891.262,"body":"in one time, like a test"},{"startTime":3891.262,"endTime":3893.472,"body":"taking day when we finish our exams"},{"startTime":3891.262,"endTime":3893.472,"body":"and things like that."},{"startTime":3893.472,"endTime":3894.557,"body":"That's so funny."},{"startTime":3894.557,"endTime":3896.893,"body":"To me"},{"startTime":3894.557,"endTime":3896.893,"body":"that people show that in Spanish class."},{"startTime":3896.893,"endTime":3898.352,"body":"As if it has anything to do with it."},{"startTime":3898.352,"endTime":3901.355,"body":"No, the only Spanish were the poor,"},{"startTime":3898.352,"endTime":3901.355,"body":"the low and reverse."},{"startTime":3901.355,"endTime":3904.358,"body":"Yeah. Boy. Excited. That's in. Yeah. Oh."},{"startTime":3904.567,"endTime":3907.57,"body":"I was taking classes"},{"startTime":3904.567,"endTime":3907.57,"body":"and my friend and I were like"},{"startTime":3907.695,"endTime":3911.24,"body":"thought we were so fucking good down"},{"startTime":3907.695,"endTime":3911.24,"body":"my drugs. Yes."},{"startTime":3911.324,"endTime":3915.202,"body":"You might think you get them."},{"startTime":3915.286,"endTime":3916.787,"body":"Well, we did. We tried."},{"startTime":3916.787,"endTime":3918.748,"body":"How do you, how. I think we sat around."},{"startTime":3918.748,"endTime":3919.957,"body":"And she taught."},{"startTime":3919.957,"endTime":3922.835,"body":"Me she was another teacher"},{"startTime":3919.957,"endTime":3922.835,"body":"that I had a good friendship with"},{"startTime":3922.835,"endTime":3925.838,"body":"because she taught me three things"},{"startTime":3922.835,"endTime":3925.838,"body":"or she taught me one thing and she goes,"},{"startTime":3925.922,"endTime":3926.464,"body":"Now I'm."},{"startTime":3926.464,"endTime":3929.467,"body":"I know"},{"startTime":3926.464,"endTime":3929.467,"body":"I'm never supposed to tell a student this,"},{"startTime":3929.467,"endTime":3933.262,"body":"but Daniel, you really fail with Grace."},{"startTime":3933.304,"endTime":3934.931,"body":"She says, so sweet says."},{"startTime":3934.931,"endTime":3936.349,"body":"I tell kids they fail the test."},{"startTime":3936.349,"endTime":3937.475,"body":"They lose their mind."},{"startTime":3937.475,"endTime":3945.232,"body":"I tell. You. I love that You just smile."},{"startTime":3945.274,"endTime":3945.942,"body":"I was on,"},{"startTime":3945.942,"endTime":3949.779,"body":"you know, on the road with Chelsea"},{"startTime":3945.942,"endTime":3949.779,"body":"and we were in North Carolina"},{"startTime":3949.946,"endTime":3952.657,"body":"and one of the flight attendants,"},{"startTime":3949.946,"endTime":3952.657,"body":"as we were boarding the plane,"},{"startTime":3952.657,"endTime":3954.075,"body":"he was like, I know you."},{"startTime":3954.075,"endTime":3956.494,"body":"He was freaking out"},{"startTime":3954.075,"endTime":3956.494,"body":"that she was on the plane."},{"startTime":3956.494,"endTime":3957.745,"body":"And he was like, Oh, I know you."},{"startTime":3957.745,"endTime":3958.788,"body":"You're from her videos."},{"startTime":3958.788,"endTime":3961.791,"body":"And I was like,"},{"startTime":3958.788,"endTime":3961.791,"body":"Yeah, I know. I'm with her."},{"startTime":3961.958,"endTime":3963.793,"body":"And then we're like, during the flight."},{"startTime":3963.793,"endTime":3966.128,"body":"And he sits behind me, like,"},{"startTime":3963.793,"endTime":3966.128,"body":"as we're going to land."},{"startTime":3966.128,"endTime":3968.172,"body":"And he was like,"},{"startTime":3966.128,"endTime":3968.172,"body":"You're the housekeeper, right?"},{"startTime":3968.172,"endTime":3970.633,"body":"Oh my God. Shut the fuck up."},{"startTime":3970.633,"endTime":3973.928,"body":"And I was like, No. No, no."},{"startTime":3973.928,"endTime":3976.013,"body":"I open for her."},{"startTime":3976.013,"endTime":3977.014,"body":"Oh my God."},{"startTime":3977.014,"endTime":3980.977,"body":"We're like, This is the last time"},{"startTime":3977.014,"endTime":3980.977,"body":"I bring a feather duster as a carry on."},{"startTime":3981.06,"endTime":3981.852,"body":"Like dove."},{"startTime":3981.852,"endTime":3982.144,"body":"Like I."},{"startTime":3982.144,"endTime":3984.981,"body":"Happen"},{"startTime":3982.144,"endTime":3984.981,"body":"to have all my cleaning. Products up."},{"startTime":3984.981,"endTime":3986.941,"body":"A bottle of Lysol falls out of your. Bag,"},{"startTime":3984.981,"endTime":3986.941,"body":"but I'm."},{"startTime":3986.941,"endTime":3989.318,"body":"Going to do a video to clarify."},{"startTime":3989.318,"endTime":3992.863,"body":"I guess I'm Vanessa. I really need."},{"startTime":3992.947,"endTime":3994.573,"body":"That's hysterical."},{"startTime":3994.573,"endTime":3995.408,"body":"So stupid."},{"startTime":3995.408,"endTime":3997.451,"body":"But also, if you're the housekeeper,"},{"startTime":3995.408,"endTime":3997.451,"body":"shouldn't you be at home?"},{"startTime":3997.451,"endTime":4000.287,"body":"That's what I'm saying."},{"startTime":3997.451,"endTime":4000.287,"body":"And it was another person of color."},{"startTime":4000.287,"endTime":4002.999,"body":"And I was like,"},{"startTime":4000.287,"endTime":4002.999,"body":"come on, it is Hispanic Heritage Month."},{"startTime":4002.999,"endTime":4004.792,"body":"I just keep. Saying that."},{"startTime":4004.792,"endTime":4005.668,"body":"We had we."},{"startTime":4005.668,"endTime":4009.213,"body":"Had exchange students or my friend did she"},{"startTime":4005.668,"endTime":4009.213,"body":"they were French"},{"startTime":4009.296,"endTime":4010.506,"body":"and she spoke zero English."},{"startTime":4010.506,"endTime":4011.424,"body":"It was her and her boyfriend,"},{"startTime":4011.424,"endTime":4013.801,"body":"which I thought was so scandalous"},{"startTime":4011.424,"endTime":4013.801,"body":"that they both got to travel."},{"startTime":4013.801,"endTime":4016.303,"body":"Right. I know zero English was so cute."},{"startTime":4016.303,"endTime":4016.929,"body":"Little French girl."},{"startTime":4016.929,"endTime":4019.932,"body":"And the only like thing my friend"},{"startTime":4016.929,"endTime":4019.932,"body":"Michelle, who's Ecuadorian,"},{"startTime":4019.974,"endTime":4023.644,"body":"she thought it was so cute that with her"},{"startTime":4019.974,"endTime":4023.644,"body":"French accent, she couldn't say my car."},{"startTime":4023.811,"endTime":4026.063,"body":"Hmm. She saved for, like,"},{"startTime":4023.811,"endTime":4026.063,"body":"six weeks. Right? So."},{"startTime":4026.063,"endTime":4028.983,"body":"But she's at Mac."},{"startTime":4026.063,"endTime":4028.983,"body":"Yeah. With, like, her French accent."},{"startTime":4028.983,"endTime":4030.985,"body":"She couldn't be,"},{"startTime":4028.983,"endTime":4030.985,"body":"like, a rapper tongue around it."},{"startTime":4030.985,"endTime":4033.362,"body":"Yeah,"},{"startTime":4030.985,"endTime":4033.362,"body":"but by the six weeks, she was so over it"},{"startTime":4033.362,"endTime":4036.365,"body":"because we'd be underage"},{"startTime":4033.362,"endTime":4036.365,"body":"drinking and be, like, sad."},{"startTime":4036.365,"endTime":4039.66,"body":"She's going to go Got Mac. Yeah."},{"startTime":4039.744,"endTime":4043.039,"body":"So angry."},{"startTime":4043.122,"endTime":4044.04,"body":"This is so much fun."},{"startTime":4044.04,"endTime":4044.623,"body":"I know."},{"startTime":4044.623,"endTime":4048.669,"body":"I'm so glad you have to ask,"},{"startTime":4044.623,"endTime":4048.669,"body":"but we do have no Vanessa."},{"startTime":4048.669,"endTime":4049.17,"body":"So what?"},{"startTime":4049.17,"endTime":4051.839,"body":"We should know what your shows are"},{"startTime":4049.17,"endTime":4051.839,"body":"coming up where you are."},{"startTime":4051.839,"endTime":4054.383,"body":"Yeah. Where can people find you? Dates"},{"startTime":4051.839,"endTime":4054.383,"body":"and all that stuff on your tour?"},{"startTime":4054.383,"endTime":4058.804,"body":"Okay, well, I'm going to be headlining the"},{"startTime":4054.383,"endTime":4058.804,"body":"Comedy Store ballroom room October 17th."},{"startTime":4058.804,"endTime":4059.847,"body":"Yeah, that might with it."},{"startTime":4059.847,"endTime":4062.141,"body":"Daniel will be there. Yeah. Yeah."},{"startTime":4062.141,"endTime":4063.059,"body":"And then I'm on tour"},{"startTime":4063.059,"endTime":4067.021,"body":"with Chelsea for the rest of the year,"},{"startTime":4063.059,"endTime":4067.021,"body":"and then I have some fun stuff coming up."},{"startTime":4067.021,"endTime":4072.651,"body":"I can't say yet, but you can follow me"},{"startTime":4067.021,"endTime":4072.651,"body":"at Vanessa G Comedy on Instagram."},{"startTime":4072.651,"endTime":4075.154,"body":"Green and Vanessa Comedy icon."},{"startTime":4075.154,"endTime":4077.823,"body":"Yeah, and my podcast. I'm not busy."},{"startTime":4077.823,"endTime":4078.866,"body":"Oh, yes, I love that."},{"startTime":4078.866,"endTime":4081.368,"body":"What a. Great. Title"},{"startTime":4078.866,"endTime":4081.368,"body":"with Michael. For calling."},{"startTime":4081.368,"endTime":4083.496,"body":"Great comedian, I bet. Former writer."},{"startTime":4083.496,"endTime":4086.457,"body":"Yeah. I just Want Be in Love. Michael."},{"startTime":4083.496,"endTime":4086.457,"body":"Yeah, awesome."},{"startTime":4086.457,"endTime":4088.125,"body":"But we love. You."},{"startTime":4088.125,"endTime":4090.044,"body":"So much so far."},{"startTime":4090.044,"endTime":4091.837,"body":"Thank you. Bye."}]}