What is an Authentic Life? Part 1 of 2

We believe  families are the catalyst for change that can create a positive shift in the lives of people with intellectual and/or developmental disabilities and the inclusive communities they contribute to.

In this episode Mandy, Sandra, Heather, Tamara  talk openly about what an authentic life is and how they support their family member to navigate a life where people with an intellectual or developmental disability are  immersed together with their families, friends, colleagues, neighbours and community members; belonging and contributing in the same pathways and life experiences common to us all.   

This is part 1 of a 2 part series on 'What is an Authentic Life?' stay tune for our next podcast where we have an engaging discussion on the necessity of taking risks.

Feel free to comment and let us know what you think

Marta, Mandy, Tamara, Sandy and Heather

REA-L Conversations is a family-led podcast about supporting our family members with intellectual or developmental disabilities to live regular, equitable, authentic lives rooted in community, not separate from it.

Through honest conversation and shared learning, families explore what it takes to hold high expectations and build lives woven into the everyday fabric of our neighbourhoods and cities. 

These conversations don't offer polished answers. They offer lived experience, and reminds us that inclusive lives are built with intention, small steps, strong relationships, and persistence.

Stay connected and join us in the conversation

Transcript

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SPEAKER_04 0:00

Hi, I'm Marta Carlucci, and this is Real. Inclusion isn't easy or well understood. That's why on this show we invite families and adults who are intentionally exploring how to create regular, equitable, and authentic lives in their cities and neighborhoods. We want to strip down the barriers and unhinge the myths about the contributions our family members make to your community. Through storytelling and reflection, we encourage families to be the change that is needed to ensure their family member is a fully included, valued, and contributing member of society. Are there success stories we can learn from? Come, be brave with us and explore the endless possibilities. So we wanted to pose that question today in our discussion with Tamara, Mandy, Heather, and Sandy. We ask, what is an authentic life, anyways?

SPEAKER_00 1:54

So I've had this conversation with my child often regarding like, what do you want to do with your life? Right? It's a conversation I've had with my son as well as as my child who has the intellectual disability. And it I don't differentiate the conversation between either of them. I I am hoping that they both have great ideas. Some of the things that my son comes up with as what he wants to do with his life are interesting. And then as well as my child, um Hudson, and the ideas that he wants to have. And because we've had these conversations so many times, when we go out places and we're doing things, he connects the dots regarding what kinds of jobs he wants to have in community, what kind of um uh life he wants to have, if he if he how he wants to decorate his apartment and and when he wants to move out, and and all these types of things. And so um I think it's important to have those discussions so that he is constantly in that frame of mind of what will my life be like after graduation, or what will my life be like when I turn 16 and can get my first job. Those are the conversations that not always are being had when you have a child with an intellectual disability. And for me and for Hudson, because we've been having them so often, it's just it's just the norm now and it's the expectation, right? And so if he's having that conversation with me, he's then probably having that conversation with his teacher or any of his support people that uh uh walk alongside him. A coffee shop. Uh Hudson always often will look around and be like, I could do this job, right? And so it's that frame of mind. Wherever he goes, he's like, oh, this looks easy, I can do this. Um and so I think that is what I'm trying to instill in him. So he can go out in the world and be like, oh, right, I can do this. Uh we went, the a little, because I'm all about the stories, is we went to buy myself a pair of running shoes, and I tried on a few pairs. Um they didn't fit quite right. So Hudson pipes up and he's like, hold on a minute, mom. I feel like I can get you the right shoes. And he scans the shoes and he he looks at the sale rack and he finds a pair of shoes off the sale rack because he's like, Mommy, I know you always like to get a deal, so we have to go to the sale rack first. And he comes back, gives me my pair of shoes, I try them on, they fit like a charm. And he's like, ah, I could be a personal shopper. Do you think that's a job I could do? I'm like, absolutely, you just did it. And so it's just giving that confidence to just keep thinking about where I'm going to work, what am I going to be doing in community, and not allowing him to think that he can only be part of a program.

SPEAKER_04 5:57

Sounds like you're giving him lots of possibilities in life, which is what most young people should be getting so that they can dream big and plan for their future.

SPEAKER_00 6:13

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 6:15

But people can think that what we're trying to do is make our family members normal. And I think that's really we're doing, we want to do almost the exact opposite. But to be authentic, I think sometimes it can be confused with yeah, what is what is, you know, Jack down the street. We want him to be just like him. Well, we don't. Um, does anybody want to elaborate on that?

SPEAKER_02 6:40

With my daughter being included um in school and at university, um, she felt she had a valued role. And uh the reason I I think that is because I watched her telling other people that she went to university and she'd love to see the surprise on their faces. Like, are you going to university really? Or um, you know, when she was uh in a job, she'd tell people what she was doing. And since many people with disabilities don't have jobs, it was quite surprising to people that to see her having a job, and the same with her being married, she often shows her ring to people and says, I'm a wife. So you know it's it I think um valued roles are really important for um our children.

SPEAKER_04 8:01

Yeah, and those are all roles that um society does value, right? Normally for um for everyone, for us. And uh why shouldn't all people have access to those roles and those valued roles? And I think you know what you're describing, Sandy, as well is is that by encompassing those roles, then and if you are valued as an employee, um, for example, then you're benefiting from all the things that a valued employee would benefit from. Um and that could be going out with fellow employees, it could be getting a raise, or you know, whatever, whatever comes with that, um, or just really loving your job and enjoying what you're doing, or just experiencing a job like any other person would. That's a great example of um what what authentic means. How do you think um identity fits into an authentic life? Because that that term has come up a lot, and I know as a group we've talked about that um a little bit. How does identity now, especially uh because in society now, as far as identity being being expressed in gender and how does that sort of fit in with uh the term uh authentic?

SPEAKER_01 9:33

I want my my kids to all have many identities that they feel represent them in in different circumstances. So while I think it's wonderful to be able to identify um disabled pride and to be, you know, to say positively I'm a disabled person and not feel anything but pride in that, I don't want that to be the only thing. And and very often I've experienced that um people with intellectual disabilities end up feeling like the most valuable they could have could be talking about their disability as if it's the only thing about them that's interesting. Um and so I want my kids to have lots of identities and to be able to explore that and change it, just like we all do. Right. And so I think that's part of figuring out who you are authentically is trying on lots of different labels and seeing which ones fit and which one don't, and not just living in the ones other people give you.

SPEAKER_04 10:31

I like that, Heather, that example of just yeah, not having that disability piece being the primary identity. It's important to be proud of who you are and your uniqueness, but going beyond that as um having having the opportunity to figure out who you really are as a person and a community member and a citizen.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Yeah, and I don't think we have to separate people from their disabled identity, but I think that can be one piece. They could be a disabled doctor, they could be a disabled activist, they could be like disabled anything, and um or not. And I think that they get to be allowed to choose that the same way other people do.

SPEAKER_03 11:17

I always reflect on what my role is and um how she's evolving, and I think how it gives me the greatest joy, and I think is her is to support her and her her micro identities that she has that make up who she is, and some of them are not socially acceptable. They would be if she didn't have a disability. Right. So it's trying to help her navigate that. It can be hard to to realize that you have a lot of joy in in uh things that should be normal. You know, like she likes to go to movies by herself. She's a huge movie buff. She knows all about the directors and the gaffs and the writer, and she you could name any movie and she'll tell you who wrote it and who directed it, which actors were in it and what other movies they were in. But she also has a thing for Big Burly Men. And she went to see the latest Darnold Schwarzenegger movie. And um, and I try to tone down her talking about beefy guys in public. And I also gave her this big spiel about if somebody sits next to you in a movie theater, you don't have to confront them and tell, you know, tell them that they're predators. I said, you can just say simple things like I have to go to the bathroom and just change seats. Or so we we have this whole talk about her going alone to a movie theater and watching movies. She's a little bit bored by that. She always says, Yeah, mommy, you told me last time. I said, Well, just so you know. And uh so she came back and you know, there she has the odd story that's come back that you think, okay, you know, how how can I have a conversation with her to navigate that better next time so that she's safer. So it's always a little bit of anxiety when she comes back with her stories about having to go to see a movie by herself. And uh she came back and she's you know, she said it was a great movie. And then when she went to the SkyTrain station, she was standing on the you know, the platform there waiting for the train to come along. And I thought, oh my god, this is where somebody approached her or something. She said, the horde of girls came up and they were all talking about how you know great guns Schwarzenegger had and wasn't even built, and she meshed right into that, and they were just going on and on and on about beefy men and great actors and who was sexier, and and I thought, I wish I had the video because it was just one of those natural moments that they don't have a lot of opportunity for just spontaneously being natural and being accepted, especially if they're gonna have not politically correct conversations. But these this group of of women, they they treated her as one of their own, and vice versa, kindred spirits. So I I just look for opportunities to to support her. And I I worry a lot about the future, like if I'm not around. How is that gonna continue? How is that gonna be safeguarded, you know, even the little things like she likes to cook on her own and she can get really creative. And um, I can see if she has a roommate or she's living with roommates, how um just defending her right to cook whatever the hell she wants can be a challenge. And how do I make her feel empowered to be able to do that? That for me is an authentic life when you can, you know, when they're empowered to be able to act and and integrate, even if they're not doing the traditional thing, whatever that might be.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

That's a really good point you bring up, Tamara, because we had been when you bring up that point about food and and your daughter choosing how she's going to make it and and whatnot, um, Hudson does that often. He'll mix foods that I wouldn't think go well together, but um he likes them and and enjoys them, and that is the choice, right? And I think in some cases, some people look at Hudson and say, Mmm, you've got an intellectual disability, you probably don't know that those two things won't taste good together. But it's just that bias that we put on on, right? If if Tamara said to Mandy, Oh, I'm gonna mix peanut butter and pickles, I would be like, Oh, Tamara, that's a bit weird, but I wouldn't say anything past that. Whereas when somebody with an intellectual disability might say that, I have seen people say to my child, oh no, you can't mix those two. Why not?

SPEAKER_01 16:24

I think like more of an approach like Tamara has that I might not have had otherwise, because they do weird things all the time. And they call each other out, but it's much more like it's it's more authentic when or normal or like I don't know, it's just the way other people talk to each other, right? Like they don't hesitate to say the things that other people hesitate to say or same or require the same things from each other, and so having um multiple kids has really given me and made me like less um sensitive maybe to the things that other people say, and so I'm more willing to say, leave them alone, they're fine. What do you care? It doesn't do anything to you.

SPEAKER_04 17:11

Well, you're seeing the authenticity of each child, and so you know by fault they're all gonna be different and have their yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Yeah, and having siblings siblings is powerful that way, right? Because your identity is just sibling. Right, and they are real with each other.

SPEAKER_04 17:49

Well, that's a wrap, folks. Thanks so much for joining us. And for all our contributors, Mandy, Heather, Sandy, Tamara. I love hearing your story. If you liked what you heard, and you're looking forward to hearing more, please follow us and subscribe. You'll find us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Google Podcast. Drop us a line, let us know what you think. We'd love to hear from you. Thanks for joining us in being brave.