My Top 5 Tips to a Long Marriage

Forty years of marriage has taught me more about life, love, and commitment than I could have ever imagined as a young groom back in 1985. What seems remarkable to many—staying married for four decades—has been a journey filled with everyday moments of growth, challenge, and deep connection.

Marriage longevity isn't magic or luck. It's built on five fundamental principles I've discovered through years of practice and I'm discussing those here.

Stick around to the end as I wrap it up with THE one, true method to help you and your spouse, or partner, navigate the sometimes difficult waters of love.

Share your thoughts through the SpeakPipe link in the show notes or email me at BillMonty04@gmail.com. And remember to subscribe, leave a review, and join our community of listeners figuring out this journey together.

Chapters

• 0:00 Celebrating 40 Years of Marriage
• 1:44 Rule 1: Open & Honest Communication
• 3:53 Rule 2: Strong Commitment
• 6:20 Rule 3: Nurturing Intimacy
• 8:02 Rules 4-5: Conflict Resolution & Shared Values
• 11:30 The One Essential Marriage Rule
• 12:50 Final Thoughts & Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Bill Monty's Guide for Gettin' Older. Hello and welcome to Bill Monty's Guide for Gettin' Older. I am your host, bill Monty. I have a special occasion coming up soon and that's going to be the basis for what we talk about here on this episode Coming up. In a few weeks, my wife and I will be celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary. Thank you, thank you, please hold the applause.

Speaker 1: 0:33

I always think it is kind of funny when you say you know we're going to be married 40 years. People look at you like that's just an amazing feat to do and I guess in some ways it is. To be honest, in my life I haven't done anything for 40 years except stay alive, so I guess it is up there with breathing. Mentioned this at work one day and someone who's about to get married said Wow, how do you do it? And you know, sometimes in life and when you do things, you just do them and you don't really think about it. I imagine 40 years ago maybe we thought about it more, I'm not sure. So I started jotting down the top five ways to have a long-lasting marriage or relationship. Either one will work and I want you to stick around because at the end of the episode.

Speaker 1: 1:35

I'm going to wrap it up into the one big rule that you absolutely must employ if you want to have a long-lasting relationship. Rule number one you've got to have open and honest communication. Now what does that mean? Because listen along the way I'm going to tell you. Little lies crop up. We're human. Those things happen, you know. When they become big lies, that's when there's a problem. So you need to have a way to communicate even when the communication is difficult. Make time for conversations, both big and small. You need to do this to stay connected and to understand each other's needs and desires.

Speaker 1: 2:27

As a former student of improv and acting, and as someone who teaches customer service and teaches about communication, I can tell you the number one rule of being an effective communicator is you must actively listen to what is being said. So many times we start forming the answers in our mind before the other person has finished their thought. Pay attention to your partner's words and emotions and then respond thoughtfully, not emotionally, and express your feelings. Share your thoughts and feelings again, openly and honestly, even when it's difficult, friends, that's a tough one. That's really a tough one, because there will come times during a long relationship that it's going to be hard to say exactly what you think, be that because you are already putting on the other person your thought, what you think their reaction might be. So you've already had the argument or the conversation in your head and now you're hesitant to even bring it up because you've already gone through all the different scenarios. So find a way that you can feel free to express your feelings.

Speaker 1: 3:49

Number two you need a strong commitment. You know there's a reason why I think people get married and that's because, in front of your friends and your families and in front of each other and whoever officially marries you, be it religious or justice of the peace or a captain on a cruise ship You're making a promise to each other that you're going to do your very best to stay married, no matter what happens. At that point you're making a conscious effort. Marriage requires work and it requires commitment, so be proactive in nurturing your relationship.

Speaker 1: 4:32

I remember back in the time of the hippies, the 60s and the 70s that a lot of people back then shunned traditional marriage. I don't need a piece of paper in order to express my love or promise to this person. In today's younger generation, that's also kind of a feeling. More and more people aren't getting married. They're just enjoying the relationship. But I'm going to say something here. I think that piece of paper is actually important Because, when it comes down to it, it does tie you together, if nothing else. If you're going to get divorced, it forces you to have a reckoning in court, but that shouldn't be the reason for staying together Fear of divorce and the proceedings and the cost. That little piece of paper is your reminder that, no matter what's going on today, at one time this promise was the most important thing in your lives. So stay committed through the tough times.

Speaker 1: 5:35

Marriage isn't always easy, so be prepared to work through challenges together. This one is so true. There's a saying well, the honeymoon's over. There's a reason for that that period of happiness and growth, and the world is right in front of you for anything to do, that eventually fades and reality sets in. It always does so. You need to be prepared for that. Marriage can be tough. That's because life is tough and that's because, as time goes by, you're going to have to start placing your needs behind those of the needs of the other person. You're going to have to compromise.

Speaker 1: 6:20

Number three intimacy. You need to nurture physical intimacy. You need to make time, both romantic and sexual, to maintain a strong connection. This changes as you get older. The romance, if it starts to fade away, if you forget the flowers or the anniversaries, then you're beginning to forget the reasons why you got married in the first place. You need to nurture emotional intimacy. You need to spend quality time together, engaged in shared activities, and create a sense of closeness and connection.

Speaker 1: 6:58

You know, oddly enough for me anyway I felt very close to my wife during COVID, I guess because we were all just thrown into this little space where we had to always spend time together. But that's when we started going for walks again and just talking about things and just talking about life. We were able to put aside the frustration frustrations that work can cause, that financial strain can cause all of those things, and we're just able to enjoy being with each other once again. Now, did we get on each other's nerves? Absolutely. My wife would take what she called her drives to nowhere, which was you couldn't get out of the car, especially back in the early days of COVID, so she would just get leave the house for 30 minutes, just kind of driving around. Yeah, you got to have your own space and you need to express affection. You need to show your partner that you care and that you love them through your words and your actions. It's easy for this one to fall by the wayside, friends, don't let it.

Speaker 1: 8:02

Number four conflict resolution skills. You need to learn to communicate constructively. Remember I talked before about you need to communicate effectively. You need to learn how to express your needs and desires respectfully, even when you disagree. You need to find solutions together. You need to work together to find out how to work through these problems rather than avoiding them or blaming each other. Huge mistake If you stay silent, the problem will never go away. It will fester until it becomes a huge argument or a huge blowout. And practice empathy and understanding. Try to see things from your partner's perspective, even when you disagree. A few episodes ago, I talked about empathy and how important it was in terms of helping those who are having a hard time through life. Well, if you can't have empathy for the person closest to you in life, then you're going to be in trouble. So practice that, practice understanding. Walk a mile in their shoes. You, understanding. Walk a mile in their shoes. You've been walking a mile in their shoes for years and years, if not decades. Don't forget how to do that.

Speaker 1: 9:14

Number five you need a shared purpose and shared values. You need to work together to achieve shared goals, whether they are personal, professional or family related. Share your values, discuss your values and beliefs and find ways to live them together. Your values will change as you get older. They absolutely will your personal values and this might come into conflict with your partner or your spouse, so be sure that you're listening to what they're saying. If their values have changed slightly, or if yours have, don't ram it down their throat. Remember they're used to your values that you had yesterday. So if today you have different ones, it's going to make them think well, what else has changed about you? What else don't I know about you? Support each other's dreams, encourage and support each other's aspirations.

Speaker 1: 10:08

Again, as you go through life, those might change. They might change slightly, they might change greatly the dreams and aspirations that my wife and I had when we started this journey back in 1985, when we started this journey back in 1985, they're different now. Age makes them different. You no longer think of everything that lies in front of you. You think of, perhaps, the limited time in front of you and you spend a lot of time reflecting on what's behind you, but that doesn't mean you give up dreams. We're going to fulfill one of our dreams. When we celebrate our anniversary in a couple of weeks, we're going to go on a vacation up to Canada. We've never been, we've talked about it for years and we thought you know what, as they used to say in that Walt Disney World ride Carousel of Progress, now is the time, now is the best time. So those are the top five reasons that I have.

Speaker 1: 11:10

What are yours? How do you maintain a long-lasting and happy relationship with the person important in your life, with your partner or your spouse? And, as promised, I'm going to give you that one big one that I think everyone must practice, or else you won't have that. You must make the other person in the relationship the most important person in the relationship. I talked about how you have to understand things from their point of view. Well, the fact is, if your spouse is the most important person in the relationship to you and if they look at their spouse being you as the most important person in the relationship, you're going to look out for each other. You're always going to have each other's backs and that way your needs are always going to be met.

Speaker 1: 12:01

It's hard, my friends. Having a long-term relationship is hard. It's not something a lot of people do anymore. It was not uncommon when I was growing up for marriages to last a very long time. The term till death do us part literally meant that's when the marriage ends. Today, divorce is easier. Living apart is easier. It can be tough, it can be hard, but when I tell you that it's all worth it, because spending your life with a person who's the most important to you and that you love the most, having that full journey together, with all of the highs and all of the lows, it's wonderful. And I just want to say to my wife I love you. I love you as much as I did, if not more than, on that spring day back in 1985 when we made our vows.

Speaker 1: 13:08

My friends, I hope that you'll make a vow to let me know your thoughts on this episode, to let me know how your relationships go. How long have you been married? If you've been in a relationship, or if you haven't been married but a long-term relationship, what are the things that helped get you there? What are the values that you have that you put in place. What are the little tricks that you can pass on to other people that have questions about how to make it happen? It's easy to do that. You can just scroll down in the show notes and just click on that. Leave me a message that takes you to a tool called SpeakPipe, and you can leave me a free 90-second message recorded message and just tell me in your own words If you're hesitant to record it. Well, you can always email me at BillMonte04 at gmailcom. I'll be happy to reply to you.

Speaker 1: 14:01

I'm so happy that you take a few moments out of your day to let me know how you feel about the episode, about the podcast itself and about your journey through life with your loved one. Please remember to hit that like that share and that comment button. It helps us grow the podcast and I do so appreciate it. Until the next time, my friends, when I return from Canada so we'll be taking a couple of weeks off here I remind you, as always, to please be safe and be kind. If it's warm outside but you're feeling cold, you not sure what to do. Without a friendly shoulder, you're not alone, so start feeling bolder. Welcome to Bill Monty's Guide for Getting Older.