Season 4, Episode 7 - The Identity Crisis: When God Strips It All Away… Who Are You?

What happens when everything you’ve built your identity on is stripped away?

In this episode, I open up about a deeply personal season where God brought me back to the foundation. The roles, the titles, the productivity, the things I thought defined me—He began to peel it all back. And what I was left with was a hard but necessary question: If all of that is gone… who am I?

I realized my identity had quietly become rooted in what I did, not in who I am in Christ.

In this conversation, I share how God walked me through that process—breaking down false foundations and rebuilding my understanding of identity from the ground up. Not as a performer. Not as a leader. Not as what I produce. But as His. Before anything else, I am a daughter of God.

If you’ve ever felt like your worth is tied to what you do…
If you’ve ever felt lost when things slow down or fall apart…
Or if you’re in a season where God is stripping things away…
This episode is for you.

Executively Produced by Ivory McDonald
Audio Engineered by Ivory McDonald
Video Filmed by Ivory Mcdonald
Video Edited by Humphrey Caswell Jr.
Music by Isaiah Garcia

©Off Mic with Ivory

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:22

What's up, y'all? Welcome back to Off Mic with Ivory. This is the pod where we have the conversation that you want to have, but you can't have on your platform mic. So we do it off mic with me. I'm your host, Ivory McDonald. If you have been rocking with me from the very beginning, I appreciate you so much. Thank you for every like, share, comment, and subscribe. I read every comment and it means a lot. Uh, if you are new to this platform, welcome. Um, I am a uh worship leader, I am a sister, I'm a daughter, I'm a friend, um, and I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and I'm a daughter of God. And that kind of leads me into what I wanted to talk about today. And if I'm if I'm gonna keep it 100 with you, I actually recorded probably like a whole episode or half episode and definitely started over. This is a hard topic for me to talk about, y'all. And I'm just I'm trying to just keep it 100%. I'm trying to just um I'm just I'm just gonna talk to y'all. Um, this topic that I wanted to talk about, it feels very, it feels very fundamental, it feels very elementary, and it feels very mushy, lovey-dovey, for lack of a better term. Um I wanted to talk about identity. And if you have been following on this season, I've been talking about my journey, my walk with God right now. Um, ever since I've been talking about sanctification, and um ever since I left the church that I was a part of, um, it kind of thrust me into a level of sanctification that I have never experienced before. And it feels like the Lord has been going like stripping me down to the bare bones, like going to the nitty-gritty of the thing, and causing me to see really under the hood and seeing who I am and what I believe, and challenging on what I've believed, and building my foundation on a solid foundation, which is Him. So honestly, when it comes to like identity, my identity in Christ, growing up, I don't think I was ever really comfortable or ever really understood. And we the thing is, we all know the right things, right? We know we're a child of God. We sing the song, I am a child of God, and I'm no longer a slave to fear. If I'm honest, I actually really don't like that song. I've actually always struggled with that song, and I think it's because of what I'm gonna talk about today. Um growing up, I never really understood who God was as father. I understood him as Lord, I understood him as savior, I understood him as King of Kings, but I never really understood him as Abba Father. And if I'm also 100 with you, I I really loathed me. I'm really just putting it out here. I really did not like me. I always thought I was bad, and there are reasons for that. Um, but I always thought I was bad, I always thought I was not good, I w struggled with shame. Um, and I just had a hard time seeing myself in a positive way, or seeing myself in the way that God says in his word. And I also think I probably there was probably a part of me that didn't think it was that big of a deal. Like, okay, whatever, yes, God says I'm his masterpiece. All right, don't really understand that, probably really don't believe that, but whatever. There are other things to worry about. And I and I didn't really see this as something that I really needed to work out with God. So fast forward, um, I became a worship leader, and I think when you are not solid in who you are in Christ, and you're not rooted in who God says you are, and you don't see yourself the way that God says, I think, and this is just my opinion, I think when you're put in front of people or you find yourself in the limelight, so to speak, and you might have a tendency to put on, feel like you have to put on or perform, right? So now you're kind of like performance-driven, and maybe that's not everybody, but I think that was me. Um, I've always had a performance, I've always had the perfectionist streak. So, and I always felt like I had to be perfect for the Lord and perfect in my walk with God. And and so I was very performance driven and very like I think my walk with the Lord was very transactional. Um, I I just didn't understand that God saw me as his baby girl, as his daughter. I just I couldn't understand that. And so now, fast forward when I left the church that I was in, that I was in, um, I don't know why I said that twice, but okay. When I left the church that I was in, I suddenly, I think as a as a worship leader, I saw myself as a worship leader. I would have described, who are you? Oh, I'm a worship leader. But when you're not doing the thing that you found your identity in, where does that leave you? Who are you now? If you're not doing the thing, if you're not, if you don't ever preach another sermon, who are you, sir, ma'am? Who are you? Ivory, if you never sing another song, if you never lead a congregation in worship again, who are you? Who are you? And I think if I'm honest, I felt a little lost. Like, okay, God, I'm not leading worship, so like, what good am I? What am I? Who am I? Like, what what good is there to me? And the Lord was like, I'm so glad you asked. Finally, we can now deal with who you see yourself, and I'm about to tell you who I see you, and I need you to listen to me carefully. And I think now I realize how important this is. Let me give you an example. Back in July, I was asked to do a women's retreat for a small group, um, for a small church, a small women's ministry, and they asked me to lead a women's retreat. First of all, I've never led a women's retreat. I've I've led worship, but I've never like been the speaker. So um I didn't I didn't know what to talk about. Um, I had a conversation with the person that invited me, and they said, hey, so you know, one of the things that we've been talking about in our in the ministry is in women's in our women's meetings is the idea of being vulnerable with God and being vulnerable with people. And she was like, So, you know, you could take that anyway and just run with that. That doesn't really give me a whole lot. So I said to the Lord, Lord, what do you want me to talk about? Because I I legit don't know what to talk about. So what do you want me to talk about? I woke up one morning and he said, Psalm 139. I want you to talk about Psalm 139. Now, Psalm 139 is literally one of my favorite chapters in the entire Bible. Um, because it it's that if you don't know what Psalm 139 is, it's that chapter where it talks about how God knows us intimately and he's acquainted with all of our ways and he knows our thoughts from far off and he knows what we're gonna say before we even say it. Um it's that verse that talks about I'm fearfully wonderfully made, that whole chapter. And so I was like, Okay, okay, what else? I don't really know. Uh okay, what else do I say, you know, about that? Well, as I started studying the scripture, um, I felt like the Lord was saying, I want you to be vulnerable with me as my daughter, because I just want you to be my daughter. That's who you are, that is how I see you. And so I wrote in my notes, okay. I wrote in my notes, all right, God wants me to just be his daughter. And then as I kept like reading and praying, the Lord, I felt like impressed on by the Holy Spirit that he wanted me to tell them, these women, I really feel like the Lord wants you to know you're his daughter, he's your Abba, he's your father. And if I'm honest, I really didn't want to share that. Like I wanted there to be more to what I was gonna say because it felt so elementary, it felt so lovey dovey mushy type thing, and I'm not I'm generally not the lovey dovey mushy type person, and so I just kind of felt like you got any more, like anything else deeper? Like, okay, like that feels cliche, it's a women's regime, okay. We're his daughters, he's our father, and but you know, out of obedience, I when I went to the retreat, I told these women, you know, I shared what I felt like the Lord put on my heart, and I said, guys, the short end of it is, and this was just the first night, I feel like the Lord wants you to know you are his daughters, he is your father. One by one, these women started crying. One by one, I mean sobbing. Some of them were legit, could not stop crying. And I opened the floor, and almost every woman started sharing about yeah, my father was a jerk, my father was mean, my father was manipulative, my father wasn't, my father uh didn't like the fact that I was born a girl. He wanted a boy so bad, he refused to accept the fact that I was a girl, so he only bought me boy clothes, and as these women are sharing, I'm sensing the love of God growing stronger and stronger, and realizing no, this is actually really important. A lot of us have not, we have not come to terms or grasped this idea that he is our father. When you think of the Lord's prayer, there is there is a reason why the Lord opens up that prayer with our Father who is in heaven. Because he wants us to know who he is to us, and he wants us to know who we are to him. And I'm like, even as I'm sitting here talking to you now, it's hitting me over again. It's like, God, you really want he calls, like Jesus called his disciples children. Like, do you think about like how many times in scripture did he call his own people his children? How many of us have we know him as Lord, we know him as King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Savior, but we struggle with the idea of him being our father. And this is not just for women, brothers. If you're watching this, you're a son. Like this is this goes for you as well. Like, how many of us have struggled to really come to terms with who our tr what our true identity is? When you break it down, take everything away, take everything away. What are you? Who are you? Do you believe that you are a daughter? Do you believe that you are a son? Do you believe that he is your father? And I know that a lot of us struggle with this because of our experiences with our earthly fathers. It's hard. Your earthly father is your first introduction to the character of God, to who God is. And it affects how you approach him, it affects how you see him. And so we struggle with, we struggle with this concept of father, of who he is. Let me just share with you some of the things that the Lord told me to share with these women. So he told me to read Psalm 139. So I started off. So let me just start with the first couple of verses in Psalm 139. So it says, Oh Lord, you have searched me thoroughly and have known me. You know when I sit down, and you know when I rise up, my entire life and everything I do. You understand my thought from afar, you scrutinize my path and my lying down. That speaks of detailed knowledge. And I didn't say this before, but um when you look up the deeper meanings, it's saying how a parent examines their baby with love and wonder. You are intimately acquainted with all of my ways, even before there is a word on my tongue still unspoken. Behold, you know it all. Such you have enclosed me behind and before, and you've placed your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. So, like, if you read this and not understand what God is really saying, you can look at this from like with distance and and look at it as if God is scrutinizing you like he's a stalker. But the connotation of this is that of a father, is that of a parent looking at his child. So, like, I don't have kids, but from what I hear, when a woman gives birth to their child, they scrutinize, and I'm using that word, but they are examining every part and facet of this baby. They're looking at their hair, they're looking at their eyes, they're looking at their skin, they're looking at the color of their eyes, they're looking at their feet, their their hands, they're looking at every, they're examining every facet of this child with love. That is exactly what God does. That is the the exact connotation. Like, you ever look at yourself and get frustrated with yourself because you're like, Why do I do the things that I do? Why do I say the things that I say? Why do I act the way that I act? It says here, he is intimately acquainted with your ways and understands what you do and still loves me, and still loves you. One of the things he told me, um, he said, a lot of us struggle with seeing God as Father because we are afraid. We're fearful. At least that was me. I struggled with, I was afraid of God. I I was afraid to spend time and and to sit with him. Spending time with the Lord is supposed to be the safest place on the world. But I was having such a hard time just being with him and just like just being, just being, not because I needed him for Sunday morning, not because I needed him for some kind of ministry, but just being. I struggled with it. And um, there's actually a verse. I'm sorry, y'all, I'm all up in the scripture right now, but there's a verse in Romans chapter 8, verse 14, where he says, For all who are allowing themselves to be led by the Spirit of God, you have not received a spirit of slavery leading again to fear of God's judgment, but you have received the spirit of adoption as sons, which also sons and daughters, the spirit producing sonship by which we joyfully cry out, Abba Father. The Spirit Himself testifies and confirms together with our spirit that we are children of God. And if we are children, we are also heirs of God. And I asked the ladies, like, what why are we afraid? Why do we hide? Because I always felt like I had to hide a part of me. I felt like I had to perform and I had to I had to put on. Where does fear come from? The Bible says he's not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. So if it doesn't come from him, it comes from his enemy, and that was one of the things that the Lord was really challenging me on. The enemy fed me this lie years ago. And he didn't have to do nothing else after that. Because I repeated it to myself over and over and over that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worth love, I wasn't worthy of love, that I was bad, I was nothing but bad, uh, there's no good in me. And I rehearsed it over and over and over. The things that I said out of my own mouth about myself, you're so stupid, you're so dumb, you're not smart, you you can't you can't speak well, all these things that I rehearsed over and over to myself. I wonder how God felt as my father watching me, listening to me, how it must have broken his heart. And he said to me one morning. Morning, um, I had a therapy session and I was kind of like rehearsing the same things with her, and she was like, Why are you believing these lies? These are lies. Why are you believing these lies? I think it was like the next day, or maybe two days after that, I woke up, and the first thought that I had, uh, and I've shared this story before, but the first thought that I had was the Lord said to me, I I feel like the Lord said to me, You are agreeing with these lies. I have told you something, but you refuse to listen to what I say. Instead, you have agreed with what the enemy has said about you. And in doing so, you are trying to make me out to be a liar. And you're participating with the father of lies. So now what does that make you? When I tell you that sobered me up so quick, I had to repent. I literally had to repent. And I had to say, God, I'm I don't know. It was like for the first time. And maybe you know all these things. We know maybe you know all these things, but for me, for the first time, or maybe it was just a fresh revelation. I realized what I was doing, and I realized what I did all these years, and I had to repent and I had to say, God, I am sorry. And by faith, I'm gonna take every word that you say about me, and I'm gonna accept it as fact, and I'm gonna accept it as truth. I think from that point on, something shifted inside of me. The Lord told me, one of the things he told me is that I've always had his undivided attention, and he's always looking at me, and he's always aware of me, and he loves me. Like, I know it seems so elementary and so like fundamental, but like he loves me not for what I do, not for how well I talk, not for anything that I could do or give just because he created me, and I'm his daughter, like take everything else away. I'm just his daughter, I'm his daughter. And not only am I his daughter, the scripture says he has crowned me with favor and loving kindness. I think it actually really changed the way I coming to this realization really changed the way I approached God, changed the way I talked to him, changed the way that I thought about him, changed the way that I spend time with him. And I'm not saying that I have fully, that I have, that I fully understand. I'm still learning and I have moments where I slip back, but I'm learning to come back quicker and quicker and quicker. But like it has changed the way that I spend time with God, and it's changed the way that I pray and the way that I talk to Him. Whereas before I had to, I felt like I had to, okay, I may have to make sure that I say this, I have to make sure I do that, I have to make sure that I kind of like work up this feeling, and I I gotta make sure that you know um that I I gotta say this and that in my prayers, and I gotta get on my knees, and I gotta, I gotta make sure, and God forbid you forget, and all that was that was me. And I know it sounds exhausting because it is exhausting. To now, and I know this is probably gonna sound a little weird, but I call God Abba now because I need to remind myself. That's why the Lord's prayer starts with our Father, Abba, Abba Father. Like I have to remind myself who he is to me and who I am to him. I have to remind myself, and it changes the way that I approach him, it changes the way I talk to him, it just changes the game for me. To now I can just walk with him. I can just talk to him, I can be honest, I can be vulnerable, I can be real. The other day I was going for a walk and I was praying, and this this song came uh to my mind, and I started singing it. It's a hymn, I love hymns, um, but it it says, um, and he walks with me, and he talks with me, and he tells me I am his own and the joy we share as we target there, none other has ever known. And I started to tear up because I felt his peace. And I'm talking with him, and he's talking with me, and he's telling me I am his own. Sometimes when I'm in prayer, sometimes when I'm just spending time with God, I get this overwhelming feeling of like him, what the scripture says, where it bears his spirit bears witness with my spirit that I am his own, that I am a child. I am a child of God. I'm a child of God. This is probably not gonna be a long episode, but but you know that that scripture where that woman with the issue of blood and she had been struggling for 12 years, bleeding for 12 years, hemorrhaging for 12 years, and in that culture, in that society, she was an outcast, she was considered dirty, unclean, which means she was estranged from her family, no affection, no love, um, and she couldn't come into the temple, which means she's also estranged from God. Do you know how lonely I wonder how lonely that must have felt? And when she found out that Jesus was passing by, and she determined to go reach out and touch him because she believed that he could heal her. When she was healed, she reached out and touched Jesus, touched the hem of his garment, and she was immediately healed. And Jesus stopped the whole procession. He made a scene, and he made a scene on purpose, and he said, Who touched me? Because he wanted to draw her out into the open, not to humiliate her, but to do something for her to validate her for the first time in 12 years. He called her daughter. Jesus. Yo. He called her daughter. He didn't even, he didn't even call her by her name. Could have called her by her name. But he said, daughter, your faith has made you whole. Your faith has healed you. If that's the first thing that Jesus calls her, that tells me that's the fundamental thing that he wants us to understand is we are his children. It doesn't matter what you do, what you do for him, all that's gonna pass, all that, all of that, it can go in an instant. He calls you son, he calls you daughter. It's not a long episode, but that's the one thing that the Lord has been dealing with me is my identity in Christ. Take everything away. You're my daughter, my hand is on you, and I love you. Not for what you do, not for how you tap dance, but because I made you daughter. So that's it. That's all that I have. I hope um, I hope that blessed you. I hope that meant something to you. I hope that made sense. It was such a hard it would. This was uh this is a difficult episode for me, and I don't know why, but I hope it meant something to somebody, and I hope this encouraged you somehow. Um, if you like this content, if this blessed you in any way, would you do me a favor? Would you please subscribe? Would you please like this, share it, comment? I want to know what you think. I want to know if you struggle with this same thing, and um if you struggle with your identity in Christ, I want to know your thoughts. Put it in the chat, put it in the comments, let me know. Um, I want to hear from you. Okay, so if you wanna continue following this content, if you want to keep following this podcast, you can find me on Instagram, off Mike with Ivory, on Instagram and TikTok. And you can also follow me personally, Ivory McDonald official, on Instagram. And you can get this episode, future episodes, and the ones in the past on YouTube on my YouTube channel, Ivory McDonald. Um, that's all I got for y'all. Until next time, I love y'all.