Selfish Parenting

10. Spanking IS Child Abuse

• Chance' Hindir-Lane • Episode 10

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Hitting your child is abuse. It doesn't matter if you call it spanking, whooping, or "a little pat." In this episode, I'm unpacking why corporal punishment has been normalized for so long and why so many parents still believe it's discipline. Growing up in the Democratic Republic of Congo, I saw firsthand how physical punishment was treated as the standard both at home and in schools. But here's what doesn't add up: it's illegal to hit your spouse, illegal to hit your neighbor – yet still legal to hit your child. And if you say "I was hit and I turned out fine," I'm here to tell you… you probably didn't. 

The real question is this: are you trying to teach your child, or are you trying to make them suffer? Discipline is supposed to come from teaching and repetition, not fear. We talk about the difference between punishment and discipline, why research shows physical punishment harms children's development, the misuse of "spare the rod" in Christian parenting, and what it actually looks like to parent with intention, using redirection, natural consequences, emotional regulation, and clear boundaries instead of violence. Because breaking generational cycles starts with you.

Resources mentioned:

3 things to understand about disciplining kids without hitting them:

  • Hitting a child might stop a behavior in the moment, but it doesn’t actually teach them what to do instead. Fear shuts down the part of the brain responsible for learning, which means the lesson never lands.
  • Discipline isn’t about punishment – it’s about teaching. Redirection, natural consequences, and consistent boundaries help children understand their choices and build emotional regulation over time.
  • Breaking generational parenting patterns starts with the parent. When you regulate your own emotions, model accountability, and reconnect with your child after conflict, you teach them how to handle their own feelings without violence.

Hosted by Chancé Hindir-Lane, Selfish Parenting is the honest, empowering podcast that challenges the myth of self-sacrifice in motherhood. Each episode explores identity, partnership, and the balance between nurturing your family and yourself.

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SPEAKER_00

Research shows a 33% increase in child protective services involvement for children spent at age one. At age one. Hi, my name is Shanse and welcome to Selfish Parenting. The podcast gives you permission to be well, a little selfish. While raising incredible children. This is where we are going to flip everything you've been told about parenting upside down. Have a sit, relax, and enjoy the show, y'all. Hitting your child is child abuse. Even if you call it whooping, even if you call it a little pat, even if you say my parents hit me and I turned out perfectly fine, even if you call it discipline, and even if you say it is the only thing that works for your child, and even if you say hard kids deserve hard punishment, hitting your child is child abuse. Welcome to Selfish Parenting. Today we are going to talk about that age old question. Why did parents stop hitting their kids? And is that the reason kids today are so soft? Is gentle parenting making kids too soft? Is gentle parenting making kids disrespectful? As many of you know, I grew up in the Democratic Republic of Congo. In many African households, hitting your kid or punishing your kid is exactly what's been used for years. In fact, corporal punishment was used in schools for many, many years and might still be used in schools. I remember growing up and going to an elementary school back in Congo, whenever a kid would do something wrong, they would take out a ruler and essentially pat them on the back. I remember they even went as far as shaving our heads as girls whenever we would do something wrong. They would literally shave your head bald, all the girls in all the elementary schools, and it was used as a punishment. A lot of our parents, especially in African households, whooping kids wasn't even just like a pat, okay? They would go as far as taking sticks. I've had horror stories where friends of mine here in the US who grew up in black household, white household would say their parents went and asked them to take a stick from the tree outside. Pick a stick and they would whoop them with that stick. And if the stick broke, the parents would make them take another stick so it did not break. You're not listening to me. Parents will take sticks outside and use them to whoop their children. The funniest part about this is I've never heard someone say, Yeah, I learned so much from that. They usually just say, Yeah, I stopped that behavior in the moment for that day while they were watching. Whooping their kids become a sport in many households. A lot of households in the US even say whooping their kids isn't quote-unquote abuse because it is discipline. I think a lot of people don't understand that word discipline versus the word punishment. In fact, people who whoop their kids do not want to discipline their kids, they want to punish their kids. If you know what punishment is, then you understand that when you want to punish someone, you're not looking for them to learn from their mistakes. You're looking for them to suffer. So I want to ask you as a parent, when you're quote unquote disciplining your kid, is the goal to discipline them? And if you know what the word discipline means, the root of the word discipline is learning, teaching. So when you're quote unquote disciplining your kids by whooping them, what are you hoping for them to learn? What's the goal here? Are you trying to teach your kids or are you trying to punish your kids? I also want to preface this by saying, out of the entire community in our world, right? In the entire, let's just talk about America, right? In the US, it is illegal to put your hands on anyone. It is illegal to hit your wife, it is illegal to hit your husband, it is illegal to hit your neighbor, it is illegal to hit anyone. But it's still legal to put your hand on your child. Children are the least protected members of our society because people have kids with the expectation that once I have a child, I cannot wait to whoop them. There are so many videos on social media where people think it's a joke or they're joking about the concept of hitting their kids. I remember scrolling through my social media and a guy had put a combination of videos of people fantasizing about hitting their future children. These are people who don't have kids. I want you to take a moment and think about that. Can you imagine if you were scrolling and saw a video of men saying, I can't wait to get married. So when my wife doesn't listen to me, I can just whoop her into submission. I can't wait to get married. So when I tell my wife to sit down and she doesn't sit down, I can whoop her until she understands and she can sit down. I cannot wait to get married. So when I tell my wife to get something for me and they say no, I can whoop her into submission. I can't wait to get married. So if my wife drops a glass of milk on the floor, I'm gonna ask her to clean it up and then whoop her for dropping the glass of milk on the floor. How would that make you feel? How would those comments make you feel? Would you be in the comment section of that video laughing, kiki, ha ha ing because it's so funny? Or would you literally call 911 immediately, like, hello, police, that person needs to be locked up immediately. So imagine my surprise when I go to the comment section of videos of people joking and fantasizing about abusing their children, and everybody's laughing. Everybody is saying, that's the thing, that's the issue with today's kids. They don't get whooped anymore. Imagine my shock when people who don't even have children are already fantasizing about the concept of punishing their kids. This is the society we live in. Children who are supposed to be the most innocent of us all, people are fantasizing about literally beating them. A lot of people try to justify it by saying, Well, we're not beating them. It's just a little pat. It's just a little hit, it's just a little pat. Well, I mean, I will reverse that for you. When was it okay for your husband to just do your little pat pat when you did something wrong? Or is that an immediate red flag? Or is that how it starts? I am a firm believer in any parent, any adult who puts their hands on a child, it is a them problem. There is absolutely nothing a child can do that would warrant you putting your hands on them. I don't care. You cannot give me a single example of something a child would do that would warrant you putting your hands on them. In fact, anytime a parent or anyone has ever put their hands on a child, it is usually because that adult is unable to manage their own emotion, that adult cannot regulate their own emotion. It is because that adult is looking to assert some type of dominance over a child. Which to me, if you have to assert dominance over a child who can barely talk, who can barely even understand their own little brains, who just got here five, six, seven, even ten years ago. You lost me. You need help. In fact, you need to be locked up. Anytime I've heard people say, Well, my child did this, so I had to book them. I literally look at them and I say, Well, you didn't think of, I don't know, maybe talking to them. And you know what the problem is? A lot of people don't consider children to be human. A lot of people don't consider children to be human, so they don't treat them as such. If you watch my content or if you watch me, you will hear me refer to my kids as our little humans all the time, or our little people. I think sometimes people need that gentle reminder that they are people. It sounds awful to say, but it really is that simple. If you've ever heard people talk about children, even when we're talking about children traveling, there are multiple people who will say children shouldn't be on airplanes. Like children shouldn't be on airplanes. I've seen multiple people say children don't need to be at restaurants. We are supposed to be preparing the next generation of members of society. Yet we don't want them to be in society. And what people don't understand, when you exclude children, you are also excluding their parents. And people who say, you know what, children shouldn't be here, children shouldn't do this, those people also hate women. Because the majority of people who take care of children are actually women. Now, let's talk about how we actually discipline children. People often ask me, if you don't hate your kids, what do you do when your kid does something wrong? I'm gonna introduce to you a concept that might be very foreign to you. Redirection. Gasp, what? No, really? Yes, redirection. It's really not that hard. It's really not that hard. A lot of people want to make you seem like disciplining your child is rocket science. It really isn't. In fact, I will argue that disciplining my child has more to do than with me than with them. Anything my child has ever done, and I am upset about it. Who's upset? Did you hear the first? I am upset about it, which means it's me. I have to regulate my own emotions. I never want to discipline from a place of anger. That's number one. When you're angry, step away from the child. Step away from the child. People want to say, well, maybe your kids just haven't done anything so bad. Trust and believe kids do the funniest, most age-appropriate things. And I say funny because it really is funny. Because when you look at the things they do, there is no logic behind it. Because guess what? They're kids, they ain't got logic. It's not there. The part of their brain to even have and develop logic is not there. They have no self-control. They're impulsive. And I'm talking about kids ages from like two to even like 12. Should even teenagers are impulsive. But it's supposed to be our job to what? Discipline them. Discipline meaning teach them. So I'll give you an example, right? At one point in time, my oldest was four. No, my oldest was five. My twin girls were four, and my youngest was like two, right? I go upstairs and I come back, and they had my oldest had opened the pantry, had gone in and taken flour. He took flour and dumped the flour all over the floor. His siblings, right, joined him. They decided to literally make an entire my whole downstairs was full of flour. I come back from the bathroom and it was, I was gone for five minutes. I come back to the bathroom, I look around, and it's it looks like Christmas in my house. Snow. It has snowed all over the place. And you know, he looks at me and he was like, Mommy, we made snowmans, right? I'm talking flowers all over the place. Me, as the parent who have to clean this shit up, I'm pissed. I'm livid. Mind you, again, I have like four under four. It's been a long day. I am shaking to my core. I leave, lock myself in the bathroom for about five minutes because I'm like, call my goddamn self, right? I come back out, I look at my kids, they're having a time, laughing. I'm talking having a time. You know what I do? I let them have a time. I literally let them have a time because what the hell? They play. And then after that, I take out a mop, I take out water, and I'm like, you made a mess. You have to clean it up. Now, here is where the patience come in place. Because, honey, it took them kids about 40 minutes to clean that mess up. But I will tell you what didn't happen again. He did not go get flour and spread it all over the floor again. You know why? Because he didn't enjoy cleaning it up. At some point, he got tired. He's like, Well, mommy, I'm so tired. And I'm like, Yeah, I understand, but you made a mess, you gotta clean it up. I came into my room one day. My oldest was five, right? And his younger brother was two. I went to take a shower, right? It was just the girls were still sleeping, the boys had waken up early. My husband was at work. The day before, they have seen my husband shaving his beard and, you know, lining up his hair. And I remember him asking my husband, Can you get a haircut? And my husband said something about, no, you don't need a haircut, right? My bathroom was open while I'm taking a shower. They had gone into the bathroom, he had gotten the clippers that my husband has used to shave the night before, and shaved his own head, and then went into the room and shaved his brother's head. I woke up and I was like, What did you do? Literally. And he was like, I got a haircut, right? I'm gonna have to insert a video for those of you watching on YouTube because I was shocked to my core. And so, anyways, I get a video. Honestly, I was filming for my husband because I was so shocked. I get a video and I show my husband, and then I posted it on social media. I was like, I couldn't believe this happened. 90% of the comments. I would have whooped his ass. That would be the last day. I would have whooped his ass so bad. I would have I was shocked. And people are like, well, if you're not gonna whoop yourself, what you gonna do? He's gonna do it again. You know what I did? I shaved his entire head bold. Like, that's that's it. We had to shave his whole head bold and his brother's head bold. And then I told him, I was like, your hair's because he the next day, he's like, but mommy, where's my hair? I was like, honey, it's not gonna come back for a while. It's not gonna grow back for a while. So you're gonna have to be bold headed for quite a while. Right? And you know what happened? Next time he saw Clippers, he's like, oh, if I cut my hair, I'm gonna be bold for a long time. He didn't enjoy being bold. It was winter. He felt that wind on his scalp. He said, absolutely never again. And it's funny to me because I want to ask the people who were like, you should have whooped his ass, what would he have learned? And to clarify, shaving his head is not a punishment. It's the natural consequence to his action, right? Because I can't leave his head shaved halfway with patches. The natural consequence to his action is unfortunately shaving his entire head bald, right? Because there's there's quite literally nothing else. And typically when he gets a haircut, he gets really cute little haircut and a lineup and he still has hair left. But because he took it upon himself, now he has to be bald. I did not have to punish him in such a way. I quite literally just had to tell him, listen, this is what happens when you go and play in your own head when you don't know what you're doing. And then, of course, we have that conversation of like, hey, this is sharp. It's like a knife, it's dangerous, you could get hurt, right? And my question to people who are like, well, why don't you just whoop him? What would I have taught him? How does he learn from that? And I also want you guys to understand a lot of people who say, Well, you can just whoop your child. I've learned that those people are a hundred percent uneducated. If you're gonna come for me and say no, anyone who thinks corporal punishment in today's day and age, in fact, I actually will go as far as think you're stupid. You're dumb, you're stupid. I'm so sorry, you're stupid. Because if you know what the world knows now, if you had an ounce, and I mean an ounce of a working brain cell left in your head that wasn't fried at some point in time, and if you think that I'm being angry and I'm quite literally, I don't know, being an asshole, I am. And I mean every single word of it. Because if you had an ounce of a brain cell, you would just go online and do two percent of research and you would know that it doesn't work that way. In fact, when kids are that angry or you're scaring them, the part of their brain that should process information won't even work. So whooping your kids and then trying to talk to them about why you're whooping them, you're not doing anything. It's not helping, they're not learning anything. But when you stay calm and you help them understand their mistakes, they can actually take in the information you're telling them. When it comes to people who say, well, if you don't whoop your kids, then this is why kids nowadays are so soft and they don't listen and they go to schools and they think everything is up for argument. I'm gonna go ahead and just let you know one thing. I like, and I mean I love when my kids have questions. I love when my kids come to me and question things that I say. I wanna ask parents who don't allow their kids to talk back, do you expect your kids to learn communication skills? Do you expect your kids to have time to understand how to communicate with an adult? A lot of people don't also understand that hitting your kids actually leads them to be more prone to abuse when they're older. If a child grew up in a household when they were hit every day, but you expect them to believe that, oh, they shouldn't be hit when they're married. If you let your boys get hit every single day in your house, if you hit them, you expect them to grow up not to think hitting is the answer. A lot of people don't even understand the mental illness that comes with hitting someone over and over and over again when their little tiny brains are developing. What are you teaching your son when you hit them when they do something wrong? And then they grow up and they're bigger and they're stronger than the person they end up marrying, and that person does something quote unquote wrong. Did you teach them how to communicate? Hitting your child is the laziest parenting. It's not even parenting at that point. You're not parenting. You're not a parent. If your answer to anything your child does is to put your hands on them, you are not parenting at all. You're not parenting. It's lazy, it's tired, it does not work. There are so many options. And if you still sit down and think to yourself, you know what? Well, it works. I hit them and he stopped doing this. I guarantee you, you did not tackle that behavior. You scared your child, you made them stop doing something, not because they learned from it. You just didn't even teach them what to do. You wrote on the wall, I hit you, stop writing on the wall. Did you stop writing on the wall because you understood that you should write on paper instead? Or because you understood writing on the wall makes me get hit? People take moments where they could actually be connecting with their children, teaching their children, helping their children become actual functioning members of society and hit them instead. When people say, well, gentle parenting is a reason a lot of kids nowadays are so mean and they don't listen in the classrooms, I laugh a little because I've come to realize that people confuse gentle parenting or respectful parenting with permissive parenting. Because that also is lazy. Allowing your child to do everything and anything they want because you'd say, well, I can't hate them, so now I can't do anything. It's lazy. It's a cop-out because that's not true. Just because I don't put my hands on you doesn't mean I don't sit there and still parent you and discipline you and give you options. A lot of people think they just go into parenting and you're supposed to know love is enough. No, you're supposed to take your time and learn about parenting. We've never parented before. If you go into a job that you don't know how to do, what do you do? You train. You read about the job, you read about the new program, the new system. And as new systems come up, you train for them. What makes you think being a parent is any different? Your kids are like little hardware that keep updating every year, every few months. When he's three, this is where his brain is at. When he's four, this is where his brain is at. When he's five, they're literally an upgrade every few months. And as they're upgrading and their brain is growing, you as their parents, it's your job to learn their new system. It's your job to understand where they are right now. When my kid turns three and I'm like, oh my goodness, this is a whole new kid than I had when he was one or he was two. Do you know what I do? I take my ass to the library. What the hell is going on with these three-year-olds? And they're gonna tell you, three-year-old, they're entering the independent era. Three-year-old, this is where their brain is at. Three-year-old, they need independence. They need this, they need this, they need this. So now me as the parent can get ahead of things. Now I can say, okay, he needs independence. What can I do? Right? Maybe I let him pick his outfit, which is why we did. We let them pick their outfits the minute they turn three. I it does wonders. All of a sudden, it's like they wake up in the morning, give him a give him an agenda. Guidance. Guidance. And not that this is going to avoid any meltdowns. It's going to avoid anything. It's not. Three-year-olds, four-year-olds, five-year-olds, they're curious. This is their first time on earth. They just got here. Of course, they're curious. I remember seeing a video of a mom who her son had gone and tried to, I guess, touch fire. Because I don't know how old that kid was. Immediately she smacked the hell out of him on the head. Smacked the hell out of him on the head. Mind you, she posted a video online, which I can't imagine. I I I the kid, you know, goes on and the comments, good. I bet you you're never gonna touch that fire again. Are we cool? She could have literally just been like fire, hot. Hover your hand. Ooh, hot. Key will learn fire hot. There is quite literally nothing, and I mean nothing a child can do that will warrant you hitting them. People ask me, well, what if the kids go through the hitting phase? So you should help them not go through the hitting phase by hitting them? Right, exactly. You sound dumb, especially when kids learn by watching more than by what you say. Well, what do we do when they go through the biting phase? Give them something to chew on. We don't bite people, but we can bite an apple. We don't bite people, but we can bite. Do you understand how easy that is? They go through hitting calm bodies. You know what? You can hit this pillow, but we don't hit people. It's actually so fucking simple. The issue here is it's not a one time and done. And that's where people come and say, well, it didn't work. No shit, Sherlock. His little brain needs to hear that shit about 20 times before he clicks in. Well, if I hit him, it worked, you lazy bitch. You lazy ass. What do you mean, one time and done? It's your job to repeat shit over and over and over and show them over and over and over again until their little brain grasps it. Yes, when they're going through the hitting phase, it is we can hit the pillow, we can hit the pillow, we don't hit people. And no, you don't have to sit there and be Miss Rachel talking to your kids. You are allowed to have a stern voice, you're allowed to have strong boundaries, and when they break him, the natural consequence should follow. You hit your friend, you can't play with them anymore. Let's get the hell out of here. You bite your friend, you cannot play with them anymore. You throw your toys on the floor, you have to pick them up. There are so many right on the nose. The answer is almost right on the nose every time. The issue is a lot of people have not taken the time to understand what they actually are doing. Are you trying to hurt your child or teach your child when something happens in your house, your kid does something, ask yourself this one simple question. What should he have done instead? And then teach him. That's the discipline. That discipline part actually comes from you. When we say disciplining our child, we should really just say disciplining ourselves. Because discipline, right, requires you to do something over and over and over again. So you need to have the discipline to teach your kids over and over and over again. I'll give you one of my favorite examples. People always ask me and say, Well, how did you get your child to do this? My, I think all of them at this point, but when my four-year-old was four, I posted a video one time where his sister was crying. So he went up to his sister and he was like, he put his hand on her chest and he goes, You're mad. Smell the roses, blow the candle. And they did it together, like, right? I have done that move with him so many times since he was probably like two. Now that he's older, it's just natural, right? He's seven. Do you understand how long it takes for something to become a habit? Yes, that's the definition of discipline. And also, people don't want to take the time to understand the root of the issue when it comes to disciplining kids. They want something quick. Well, he did this, I don't want him to ever do it again, so boom, beat his ass and get it through with it. People would justify it by saying, Well, I don't actually hate my kids. I just pat them a little bit. I just pat them real quick. That's not abuse, it's abuse. It's abuse. My favorite abusers are those who say, My parents hit me when I was younger. I turned out fine, Jerry. Jerry, honey, you get mad at someone driving past you. Jerry, you punch walls. Jerry, you cannot have a solid conversation with an adult without literally starting to scream. Jerry, you have no emotional regulation. You can barely hang on to a relationship and say, I don't know what happens in my relationships, man. Jerry, you didn't turn off fine. You're barely a functioning adult. You think anger is not an emotion because you're screaming at the TV because the Packers lost a football game. You think the only acceptable emotion to express is anger. And you say, My parents hit me, but I turned that fine. You didn't turn off fine, Jerry. You're two steps away from becoming a homeless man. We're never, ever gonna have a solid functioning relationship. And if you're like, damn, what did Jerry do? Jerry knows what Jerry did. And the issue is a lot of people also say what was done onto me must be done onto my children. Bitch, do you need a mental hospital? Like if your mom jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge too? Look at you. You did not turn out okay. You were in a relationship with an abuser every other week. One abuser after another, and you're like, My parents hit me, I turned out fine. No, Cindy, you didn't. You're getting your ass whooped every week, Cindy. You think that comes from nowhere? But you want to have kids so you can whoop them too. Like, let's be so honest. All the people who say my parents hit me, but I turned that okay, they're actually not okay. In fact, go to therapy right now. Go to therapy immediately. And the fact that you are still saying my parents hit me and I turned that okay is the exact reason I know you're not okay. Because imagine, imagine that, that doesn't even make sense. Logically. Listen, I got whooped, I turned that okay. Let me let me just whoop my next kid too. If you don't even have the brains to question things that were done to you as a child, I'm supposed to believe you turn that okay. They hit you on the head so much your head is not even working anymore. And I can tell. I can tell. It's embarrassing hearing grown adults fantasize about whooping tiny little children. Not only is it embarrassing, it's come to the point where I look at y'all and I say, Lock them up. I am going to tell you right now, I will advocate until that day that I die, corporal punishment. Not only is it child abuse, it needs to be held at the same regard as people who hit women. Because you people talk about how many women have been hit and end up dead. You guys have no idea how many children have been hit and ended up dead as well. You have no idea how many parents have children and hit them to the point of them quite literally not being able to move. When you talk about taking a tree, a branch, and hitting your child with it. What does that sound like to you guys? Slavery, yeah, slavery. You are already their parent. You are already in a position of power, and you feel the need to also hit them to assert your dominance, to make sure they listen to you. Slavery, honey. Where do you think that comes from? And you people would sit here and say, it's not the same thing. Well, fine. Maybe you're thinking that's just your opinion. Let's pull out the facts. Let's look at the research. What does research say about hitting your children? And what does corporal punishment actually do to your children? A study published by NYU called Spanking and Other Physical Discipline Leads to Exclusively Negative Outcomes until 2025 says there are no positive outcomes associated with corporal punishment. I mean none. Physical discipline leads to poor health, lower academic achievement, and increased aggression in children. Research shows a 33% increase in child protective services involvement for children spanked at age one. At age one. I want you to sit with that really quickly. This child cannot talk, they can barely walk, they're still shit in their pants, they can barely eat solids, and people are whooping them as a punishment. Another study done by Harvard called the effect of spanking on the brain. The study found that spanking alters a child's brain function in ways similar to severe physical abuse. Spanked children exhibit a greater brain response to threat. It physically changes the prefrontal cortex, which affects decision-making and emotion regulation. When we are trying to essentially discipline a child, the goal is to help them learn how to physically regulate themselves and emotionally regulate themselves. So spanking does the exact opposite of what we're hoping to accomplish when we're disciplining our child. And these are only two studies I'm sharing with you today. There are multiple studies done by other incredible researchers that will tell you the same exact thing. It does absolutely nothing. Yet you have people who will defend it. I personally have, of course, I grew up in an African household. And although my mom never put her hands on me, I did end up living with my aunt who believed that putting their hands on me was the best way to teach me how to do something. And until today, I obviously don't talk to that lady, but until today, I remember looking at someone who's supposed to love me, putting their hands on me, and being so confused. And then the worst part is most people who put their hands on a child, they will finish it off by saying something absolutely disgusting, like it hurt you more than it hurt me. You made me do this. What does that sound like? What does that sound like? And is that not the same thing that abusers use when they're hitting a woman or someone smaller than them? And what is the goal here? If research is telling you this quite literally alters your child's brain. What are you hoping to accomplish? What are you hoping to accomplish? I remember seeing a mom in a store once and she had four little kids with her. I didn't have any kids at the moment. And one of her daughters like stepped out of bounds. You know how kids like to go in stores and grab something from a shelf? The little girl stepped to grab, like, I think candy, whatever, from the shelf. This mom swung at that baby so hard. Swung in a store. I was young, I was a teenager, right? It's not even that her swinging at the baby. It was that constant reaction around. No one said anything. No one moved. No one even cared. No one spoke up. I remember freezing, literally just freezing in my tracks and staring at this mom. And then looking around me and realizing no one was gonna say anything. No one was gonna save that child. And then it hit me. I wonder what would happen if our man did the same thing, swung at his wife in public. Where would he be? In jail where he belongs. But our children offered that same safety? No. No one said anything, no one stopped, no one interjected. And I wish I could say that I was smart enough, strong enough, or brave enough to do something I didn't. I was a teenager. I just sat there, froze, and watched it happen. She snatched the key back up and they went about their day. But that moment stuck with me, not even for what she did, but for what happened after. I remember the moment telling me, like, no one is going to protect you. As a child, no one is going to protect you. Especially when the people who care about you most or are supposed to care about you most are the ones literally inflating the pain on you. It is so scary to live in a world in 2026 with all the resources that we have, all the research that we have, all the books, all the movies, all of it on our fingertips, telling us what we should actually do instead. But we still have people defending corporal punishment and hitting their kids. I want to talk directly to Christians. Spare the rod. May I add? That spare the rod community, if I may. I want you to take a moment and tell me everything you know about the Bible or about Jesus' teachings, right? When it comes to children. What does the Lord say about children? They should be loved, protected. They're the most innocent. You mean to tell me that the Jesus you prayed to, because not my God, not my Jesus, told you to whoop your child to spare the rod? It is so disgusting to use the Bible to justify your wrongdoings, but I've seen it over and over and over again. It is exactly what terrible people do. They take the Bible and take a quote that they don't fully understand, right? They read it out of context to justify their disgusting behavior. I don't know how many times I see Christians in my in my comment that say, it's in the Bible, spare the rod. Spare the rod. You're disgusting. Because I promise you there is something mentally wrong with you when you can take the word of God and use it against his most vulnerable, which are children. God is not telling you to whoop your kids. I promise you. And this mentality is specifically, specifically seen in the black community more than anything. Specifically seen in the black community more than anything. When people would say, you know what, spare the rod, right? Jesus told us to do it. This is what the Lord wants it in the Bible. Is it in the Bible? Is it really in the Bible? That's really, that's that what that statement means. That's your translation of that. And I get it, right? That's the cool thing about the Bible. It's a leaving, breathing book. It is meant for us to translate and so that the book itself speaks to us based off of what we're going through. It's a leaving, breathing book. But you mean to tell me you read that entire scripture and your translation was like, yep, whoop them kids ass. Are y'all cool? The black community, especially, and I've I mentioned this, but I think I need y'all to really sit with this one. Where do you think that mentality comes from? These are generational curses, generational curses that we're continuing to carry on to our children now in the day, and then using the Bible to justify it. Using the Bible to justify it. It's disgusting. It's the worst type of people because they truly believe in their heart they're not doing anything wrong. And the worst part is it's the people who get mad are people who advocate for children. You get mad at me for telling you, and if I say whooping your child is whooping your child is child abusing that triggers something in you, it's because you know it's wrong, honey. It's because you know it's wrong. And if you say it doesn't make me feel good when I do it, then why the fuck would you keep doing it? Whooping my child doesn't make me feel good. It hurts me as much as it hurts them. Why the fuck would you want to hurt you and your child? And if that's not your body telling you something is wrong, your entire body repulsing at the concept of hitting someone you're supposed to love, who else can convince you? Why the hell would God want you to do something that hurts you and your child? That doesn't even make sense. Y'all sound dumb as hell. Like y'all just sound dumb at this point. And on top of all of that, a lot of you guys don't actually quote the Bible because you believe it. It's because you just need something to give you a little bit more of like a cushion. You want to feel comfortable with what you're doing, even though you know it's wrong. That's why you go to the Bible. You're trying to justify your wrongdoings. But guess what? It's still wrong, even if you say spare the rod. It's disgusting. Like ew. Yuck! I talked about this before, but I'm going to do my best to calm down, regulate myself, and give you guys actual useful tips for those of you who are still abusing your children. Before I call the cops on you, we're gonna give you one more chance. Here are some tips for you. Number one, before you discipline your kids, take a breath. Regulate your own emotions. And if taking a breath doesn't work, walk away. Walk away, Debbie. Walk away. Number two, if you're pausing and you notice you're still heightened and the behavior is not coming, I promise you it's not time to go back and yell at your kid. Yelling doesn't help either. Take your time. Name the emotions you're feeling. Most of the time it's shame, it's anger, it's embarrassment. Sometimes you're tired, you're exhausted, but most of the time the emotion you're feeling is why you end up trying to essentially impose on your child. Figure your own emotions first. Understand your emotions. Check your triggers. I know for a fact that we all have very many different triggers. Sometimes we don't know them until we're in the moment and they pop up. So we didn't see it coming. That's normal. But once you're out of the situation, it's also important to understand those triggers. What triggered me in this moment? Why was I angry? Was I too tired? Did I deal with this before? Did this remind me of this? Was I angered? I know one of mine is often feeling like my kids aren't listening to me, which makes me honestly upset because I grew up in a household where if my mom said jump, I said how high. I wasn't allowed to question my parents. I wasn't even allowed to speak as a child. You know, you must be seen and not heard. So when my kids have the audacity, right, to not listen. I'm like, you don't even know how I grew up. Because if back in my days, I would have been gone, right? But that's the point, right? We are raising them to be better functioning societies, members of society, right? In that same sentence, I understand that this is not something that's going to be easy for a lot of you. Get some external help, baby. Get some external help. Go see that lady. Go to therapy. You must. You must. You must figure out your own triggers and what is happening with you before you can go and figure out your kids. But let's do something even better. You know what? The actual step you can take right now, today, you don't have therapy. You step aside, you step back. Ask yourself this. Why are they doing what they're doing? I promise you, there's usually a reason behind why kids what they're doing. Yeah, and don't get me wrong, sometimes they're just dumb as hell. Okay, they're just dumb as hell. They're just dumb as hell. Right? I'll give you the example of writing on the wall. Most of the time when kids are writing on walls, it's quite literally as simple as they ain't even know they're imposed to. They got a crayon, they're like, hmm, I wonder what this can do on this object. My favorite thing is to give them different areas that they can draw and show them different objects they can draw on. Hey, you can draw on a paper, it's gonna look like this. If you draw on this, it's gonna look like this. If you draw on this, it's gonna look like this. Nurture their curiosity. When when your kids are going through the hitting phase, they quite literally just don't know what to do with their own emotions. This is your opportunity to teach them what to do with the emotion, to learn how to calm their body, to learn what to do with all that anger. Because quite frankly, if you don't, the hating is gonna continue. And what type of adult are you raising? Figure out the emotion behind what you're feeling. Figure out the emotion and the cause and the root cause of your kids' action. You wanna get down on their level, look them in the eye, talk to them like people. Name what you see, right? Let's say, for example, they threw a toy. Tell them, I see you threw a toy. Were you feeling frustrated? Let's go pick it up and put it back. Instead of throwing the toy, next time you can shake your body really mad and say, I feel frustrated. Something that's simple, right? Set boundaries ahead of time and make sure that you understand that those boundaries have to be held. You can say, I understand you're upset right now. But even when you're upset, we don't throw toys. So you have to pick the toy up and put it back. Offer choices. This is my number one tip. Give them kids some options, but controlled options. My favorite one is nap time. Sometimes they don't want to take a nap. Do you know what I say? I say, hey buddy, you can go take a nap with your toy, or you can take a nap with this. I give them options. Hey, do you want to have a snack first and then take a nap? Or do you want to take a nap and then have a snack after? That's the same shit. That's the same exact shit. I will literally be like, Hell, do you want to take a nap now and then have a snack? Or do you want to have a snack and take a nap? He's gonna be like, I wanna have a snack and then take a nap. Yeah, we'll take the snap and go take a nap. When it's bedtime, I don't say, okay, guys, do you guys want to go to bed? I say, Do you guys want to run upstairs or do you want to walk upstairs to bed? The only option here is bed, honey. Either way, you're gonna be up in that room. You got a choice. You wanna walk or you wanna run there? End goal, your broom. We have pizza nights on Fridays and we get movie nights on Fridays. And it's only on Fridays that we have pizza nights. Oh, I'm craving pizza on Wednesday. That's today in bed. And I say, you know what? When Friday gets here and you have pizza, you're gonna even be that much more excited. Make sure your kids understand the word no, honey. Tell them no. Tell them no. Don't survive. I mean, don't tell me no. If my husband's listening, you can't tell me no. So no, that doesn't work for me. But them kids, no. Also, the most important one, you have to actually follow through with the consequences of their actions. You have to actually follow through with the consequences of their actions. Like I said, my favorite one is when they make a mess, clean that shit up. You hit a friend, you cannot play with that friend anymore. You and your brother are playing and you hurt your brother, and you cannot play with your brother anymore. And for the brother, also, you don't play with people who hit you. Remove yourself from the situation immediately. Right? Follow through with the consequences and make sure the consequences make sense for the situation. Also, it's very important to handle the consequences in the situation on the spot that it happened. Right? If you drew on that wall, you're gonna go clean that wall. If something happened at school, deal with it at school. Talk to the teacher, go with the teacher at school. It is very important that they understand that this is happening here. This is what we're targeting. I'm trying to target the key behavior of what it is that they did. Right? The most important step is also reconnecting after. I understand if you're too mad for a hug right now, I'm too mad for a hug right now. But after the situation, having a moment to reconnect, not a lecture for sea, just a reconnection. Dang, my favorite is just like, dude, we were angry. And he'd be like, Yeah. And I'd be like, me too. Right? There are moments when I'm like, I'm angry. I'll be like, right? I'm like, no, we can't do this. And I'm like, you know what? I can't right now. And then I'll step away and I'll come back. I'll be like, yeah, I was angry. He'd be like, yeah, mommy, phew, you are angry, right? That's reconnection. I acknowledge it. I'll be like, you know what? My bad. And I'll be like, you know what? My bad. I was a little, you know, I shouldn't have been that angry and, you know, raise my voice. And he'd be like, yeah, you need to use your inside voice. You know, voices are not for yelling. You're right. You're right, my dude. They're not for yelling. Reconnection can be as simple as that. It's not a whole thing. It doesn't have to be a whole lecture. It is just making sure that one, you teach them how to take accountability for their wrongdoings. The most important one, too, for me sometimes is just understanding that stage your kids in. For example, when it's a toddler, one to three, your best friend is going to be redirection. Honey, distract them. I don't know how many times when my kids were two or three, they'll be throwing attention and be like, look at that, it's a bear. They'll be like, a bear? It's that simple, baby. With four to six years old, natural consequences are gonna be your best friend. I'll give you an example. My oldest just turned when he was six, just turned seven. Um, he picks out his own outfits, has been picking up his own outfits since he was three, right? It was a spring day in Charlotte, and he picked out an outfit and he picked out some shorts. We said, Isakel, it's actually really cold outside. It's gonna be 40 degrees inside, etc. He's like, No, I want to wear these shorts. Arguing back and forth in the morning, I said, you know what? Go ahead, sweetheart. He went to school with a short. He literally had his teachers message us and say, Isakel wants to go outside for recess, but it's too cold because he's wearing shorts. I said, Well, that's too damn bad, Grandpa. Looks like Isakel's not going out of recess. So he had to eat his lunch and not go outside because it was too cold. The next day he came home, he was like, he came home, you know, after school, he was like, Mommy, it was so cold I had on shorts. I was like, oh no, what should you have done? He goes, Wear pants, man. I said, Yeah. Do you know what he does every morning before putting on his outfit? Awexa, what's the weather? Cold or hot? Alexa would be like, it's raining. Ugh, I need rain boots. Baby, not only did he learn that he gotta put on the proper outfit, that baby now checking the weather. Natural consequence. I could have fought with him, argued with him, beat him, and made him wear pants, but then he wouldn't have learned. He wouldn't have learned. And when it comes to age older, now I'm personally not there yet. I don't have an 11-year-old of myself. However, I do have nieces. I am an older sister and I have gone through this with a bunch of family members. When it comes to the preteens, collaboration is key, right? Let's work together, let's figure it out together. They're in such, and I mean, such a fragile state. Emotions are coming in, they're noticing their friends outside of you. Life is getting fun. They need you to support them, collaborate with them. I know all of this is easier said than done. So I'm not sitting here to tell you that it's just gonna happen, that is, it's gonna be easy work. None of this is easy work. None of this is easy work, but that's parenting, right? This is where we actually take parenting. This is parenting. Putting a roof over your child's head, loving them, and putting a meal in their plate, maybe that's a bare minimum. Parenting is where you sit down and actually start nurturing your children, caring about their growth. Don't be afraid to be the model of your household. Don't be afraid to apologize. Don't be afraid to take accountability. Don't be afraid to actually model that behavior you want to see with your kids. I don't know how often I apologize to my kid today. And coming from an African, god damn, that that's growth. Baby, that's breaking generational curses. I'm breaking generational curses by apologizing to my kids because I don't know who can tell me they've ever gotten an apology from the African parent. It's always just all my favorite opens the door. That food is ready, dinner is ready. Say you're sorry, bro. Say you're sorry. Take accountability for your action, parents. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay to apologize and reconnect with your child. And if you're watching and you're feeling a little attack and you're feeling like this conversation was very heavy, good. You should. Not only should you feel that way, you should take everything you learned here today, go online, and add on top of it. If you need more research, if you need more resources, look for them, find them. You can do this. I promise you, this is what hard work and breaking generational curses looks like. Be selfish with your parenting. This is what selfish parenting looks like. Be selfish with your peace, be selfish with how you raise your kids, be very aware of the type of children you're putting into this world. This is where the hard work comes in. I will never stop advocating for kids and their safety and their love. Children are so under-advocated for, underrepresented in our society. And I vow to constantly come for you. If you make a goddamn video fantasizing about the day you're gonna have a child so you can whoop him, I will find you and I will whoop your ass. How you won't like that. Exactly. Yeah, you won't love it. Exactly. No, but seriously, you guys, I think it is so important to not only fantasize about loving our children, but fantasize about how we're gonna break all the generational curses. If you're the person that says, well, I got whooped and it turned out okay, reverse that and say, I got whooped and I'm never gonna do it to a child love because that's not how you show love. I wanna thank you for taking the time and sitting here with us at Selfish Parenting. I appreciate you. I appreciate your support. And as always, don't forget to comment, like, and share. And I will see you guys on the next episode of Selfish Parenting. Bye for now.