The Fatherless Stigma

The word “fatherless” gets thrown around online a lot—especially when people are criticizing women’s behavior. In this episode, I explore why childhood circumstances are so often used as adult insults, and why phrases like “fatherless behavior” and “your parents must be proud” seem to carry a particular stigma.

Drawing from my own experience growing up without my biological father, I reflect on personal responsibility, dignity, family influence, and the tendency to reduce people to their upbringing.

This isn’t about blaming fathers, defending bad behavior, or creating a battle between men and women. It’s about asking a simple question:

At what point do we stop being defined by where we came from and start being judged as individuals?

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome back to Unscripted, a calm take on the double standard. I'm Jen. If this is your first time here, welcome. Today is actually my first video episode. I stopped waiting on the perfect. The reason why I haven't had a video episode yet is honestly because I've been too worried about having the perfect little setup, the perfect little location in my house, the the perfect everything. And I just realized I had to stop worrying about trying to be perfect and just do it. You know, that's the thing. You just gotta get that first get that first one over with. So here we go. First video episode of Unscripted. And today I want to talk about my favorite, not so favorite term that I see and hear all across social media. And I talk about social media a lot because it's it's kind of my job. It's it's how I earn my money, not directly through social media, but it's what I use as a funnel to to bring people to other sites. And being an OnlyFans creator, I follow other OnlyFans creators, and it's not even necessarily just OnlyFans creators, but females in general that get labeled or get called, or when someone is explaining their behavior, they use the term fatherless and fatherless behavior. Those terms get thrown around a lot. And I certainly don't deny that the absence of a father can affect people because it absolutely can. Those two terms get used as an insult, as a moral diagnosis, a character flaw, and a lot of times a punchline. And it's not something a child chose. Because for a lot of us, and I'm I'm using myself as an example, my I I've never known my biological father. He left when when I was a child. I didn't choose that. So why are we assigning blame to the daughters, the females, for the beh for the behavior of the fathers? That's something I've I've never understood. Why isn't aimed at a daughter's deficiency instead of a man's failure? Why? And calling someone fatherless, it turns a possible childhood wound or childhood trauma into a public humiliation tactic. And that says, in in my opinion, that says more about the person saying it than the person they're they're talking about. Just my opinion. So why are we using wounds as insults? That that seems very cruel to me. And here's the double standard. Do we call men motherless when when they struggle? Do we attribute male misbehavior to missing moms? Why is beh female Why is female behavior tied to the male presence? And I I don't want this to turn into a man-bashing episode, and I also don't want it to turn into a pity party for for the women either. I just want the focus to be on the language, the accountability, the cultural narrative, and the blame and and how it gets assigned. Why is this narrative so popular? And I want to be very clear. It is not just the men saying that it's fatherless behavior or using the term fatherless. Women actually use this as an insult as well. And I'm gonna play here a video that I made on TikTok. I actually stitched a creator that was also stitching another video. I believe it was a man and a woman. They could have been husband and wife, they could have been boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know. They could have just been role-playing. Who who the hell really knows? But basically, long story short, there was a group of men following the woman, and you could tell that they were the men the way the video was portrayed, that the men were going with the woman to do things with her sexually. And the comments and the this particular creator that stitched the video, this is this is what she said.

SPEAKER_06 6:03

Does she have a dad? I don't think you have a dad, do you? You must have been dadless.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

I am in no way condoning what was going on there. However, why is a woman shaming another woman for not having a dad for being fatherless?

SPEAKER_02 6:26

So this this topic is not just something that I brought up out of thin air to talk about on my podcast. This this video that I stitched was back in February earlier this year. And it's certainly not a new bothersome term for me because even before social media, you know, I can't recall the exact instances or exact examples of why it was said, but it's it's it's always been a thing. Um so when I talk about this topic, there's definitely emotion in it for me because like I said, I grew up without a father. I did not know my biological dad. The men in my life, stepdads, have not been the greatest, and I haven't had the best relationships, and I've always wondered if if I if I had had a positive male role model in my life, would would my relationships with men been any different? And just just to add, I have been single for eleven years. And like I have no desire to to be in a relationship. So anyway, that was probably off topic. So this topic definitely brings frustration, curiosity among you know, just a few of the the feelings and emotions that it that it brings up for me personally. I've I've built a life, I've made mistakes, I've grown, I've succeeded, I've failed just like every human being. But I'm included in the industry, the category that people that people judge a lot. And my online behavior or just being involved in the OnlyFans world, it gets judged, and the behavior of the females that do OnlyFans work gets labeled as fatherless behavior all the time. And as an adult, as a 52-year-old woman, I am fully responsible for my choices. But why label my behavior and any other adult female creators, whether they're creator or not, just their behavior, why label it as fatherless? Why does it get labeled fatherless as an explanation? And I get that people are reacting to behavior that they genuinely disagree with, and that's that's their right. So when I went to search for just because I was curious, like how many videos were there, and I'm I'm talking TikTok. I find that TikTok is an easier platform to navigate than Instagram, but as I was searching like fatherless type content, whether it was comments or whatnot, I found quite a bit. So there's a lot of fatherless and fatherless behavior videos across TikTok, and I'm just gonna play a few that I found interesting because I love hearing other people's points of views. I like to hear their opinions, like human behavior kind of fascinates me. So I'm gonna play some and you can just listen and just think about how you feel about other people's point of view, also.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

If the father's not in the home, the boy will find the father in the streets. If the streets raise you, then the judge becomes your mother and the prison becomes your home. I saw it in my generation and every generation before me, and everyone's dance.

SPEAKER_03 10:47

If a man's father was absent for most of his life, I hate to bring it to you, but he's usually gonna be one of the two things. Either he's gonna continuous cycle and be an absent father as well, or because he saw his mom do everything, he's gonna expect a woman to be exactly like that. His mom could have been the most perfect mom in the world. She could have taught him about morals and respect and how to talk to women, etc., etc. But kids learn from observing, not from what they're told. So if he observed his mom doing all the work, which more than likely she did if there was no father present, then naturally he's gonna gravitate towards women who want to be doing everything or expect women to be doing everything. And that is why today you see so many women taking care of these grown-ass men because they're just continuing a cycle of their dad not being present and not being active in the household. And men who don't have dads present in their lives, a lot of times grow up to be sensitive as adults. And I don't want nobody talking about, oh, we're gonna do sensitive people. Because let me tell you, men who are sensitive, listen with ego and speak with pride. Sensitive men do not know how to have communication because they think they think everything is an attack and they take offense to everything that's fucking said to them. By sensitive, I do not mean somebody who expresses their emotions or their feelings. That is somebody who knows how to communicate, not someone who is sensitive. Yes, it's not fair because these men do not choose those situations. That's why these types of men have to work twice as hard to better themselves. Now, do I think that men are capable of changing? Yes. But I do think that men who have this toxicity growing up in their life need to do a lot of self-reflecting, need to do a lot of actual fucking work. And if a man can't even acknowledge that there's trauma in their in their childhood, then walk the fuck away because that's a man who doesn't want to change, who doesn't want to break cycles. You choose wisely girl.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

Okay, that that particular one was easier for me to understand because I was reading the captions. She was talking very fast. So hopefully you understood all of the words she said. But here's just a couple more.

SPEAKER_05 12:32

What's up, my guys? It's official. The comments have gotten to me. And it's one particular comment that's put me over the edge. The phrase, fatherless women used as an insult. Fatherless women? Now, boys, let's talk about fatherless men. Fatherless men lead to fatherless women. Your dad never committed, so why would you? If you're a man watching this that grew up without a father, let me just start out with that's not your fault, but it is your job to not make this a job to occur. We need men in the household. Strong, independent women can only do so much. And if you look at the statistics, it's not enough. I've witnessed this just so firsthand. I worked in a male prison for nearly four years. Many of those men had a strong mother that loved and cared for them. It wasn't enough. The common denominator that brought most of them together was the lack of a father. We can't let the nuclear family die. You are important. So the next time you want to throw around the term baby mama and act like it's some achievement and blame women for their lack of a father, how about you take a step back and ask yourself, do I want to contribute to the next generation or just yell at the current?

SPEAKER_02 13:41

And I do realize that some of these videos are talking about fatherless men, but we're just talking about this is the benefits of having a dog around while you're recording a podcast. You hear the the chicken squeaking. I just feel really bad for putting her in her kennel while I'm doing just, you know, this type of work. But anyway, one more. This one. Um, just just listen.

SPEAKER_04 14:12

There's two types of fatherless bitches. There's a fatherless bitch who's gonna go out to the world and she's gonna, I need a man, I need love, and she's gonna let niggas do whatever the fuck she won't take a nigga back by the man. Or there's that other fatherless bitch who grew up and she did shit without a father, uh without a man. So now, because I've done it by myself, I have standards for the man who I want to be next to me because I'm not letting just any willy nigga be next to me.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

A lot of these creators are are talking very fast, and like I said, I have the benefit of reading the captions. And unless you're watching the video, you are only hearing and you're not able to read. You're not able to read the captions. I'm gonna have to give her a second. Hang on. All right, that that last one was interesting to me because it it's kind of all falls along the same lines as you know, you can grow up in a family with an alcoholic or an abuser, and you can become one or one of two things. You can become just like the alcoholic or just like the abuser, or you can decide that you're gonna be nothing like those two. So I I kind of liked I kind of like that point of view. And here's another comment that I see that gets thrown around a lot also is your parents must be proud. Hold on. Like, why why do people even say that? And I know I'm flipping the script here a little bit. This isn't just about fathers, it's it's about shame, it's about control and and reputation. So on the surface it sounds sarcastic, but underneath it's saying you're embarrassing your family. Your behavior reflects your upbringing. You weren't raised correctly, and your worth is tied to parental approval. And I strongly, I strongly disagree with with with those. It's like you're failing some invisible standard, and this behavior is beneath what a good family produces. I'll be back.

unknown 16:41

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 16:43

So just like fatherless, it moves responsibility around just differently. With fatherless, the blame moves to the daughter, and parents must be proud. The shame moves to the parents. But either way, it's the adult that's actually making the choice. And now that I think about it though, I've never seen his parents must be proud. It's usually directed at her. Anyway, here's some things that I've noticed. When a grown man behaves badly, people mostly say, He's immature. He's just immature. He needs to grow up, and he's irresponsible. But when a woman behaves in a way people dislike, they say, Who raised her? Her dad must be proud. That's another one. Her dad must be proud. And her parents failed. I had to take the chicken. It was quiet until I every time I started talking, then she started squeaking the chicken. So it's mine for the next two or three minutes because I'm almost done. So here's my final thoughts and questions. Why do we still tie adult women's behavior to their parents' approval? And at what age does a woman become fully responsible for herself instead of a reflection of her parents? Because I don't live my life to make strangers think my parents are proud. I live my life as an adult, responsible for my own choices. And I would like to think that I am not my father's absence, and I am not my parents' reputation. I am an adult woman responsible for my own life. The end. She can have her chicken back now. The video portion got a little darker in here because I had to take a break. I went and took Violet for a walk, and by the time I got back, it was dark. So the lighting in here is different. But again, it's not perfect, but hey, I feel so much better now that I got my first video. My first video episode out, and it is not perfect. You hear the noise in the background. Anyway, next week, this is real life over here, people. Uh next week, I'm I'm sorry, two weeks. I move to bi-weekly. Next episode, I'm gonna be talking about, and you can guess what I'm talking about. They won't pay for it, but they'll watch it. Can you guess what I'm talking about? Anyway, thank you for listening. Thank you for watching, and listening to my co star. She says thank you. And we will see you next time. Thank y'all for listening.