We Recommend: A Movie Podcast
We Recommend is a movie podcast where every week Jesse and Jason discuss a movie that they love and recommend you to watch and then come back and listen to their podcast!
We Recommend: A Movie Podcast
Armageddon
A roaring space shuttle launch, a minigun on an asteroid, and a plot that won’t stop explaining itself—our Armageddon deep-dive embraces the chaos and asks why this 90s juggernaut still works when it absolutely shouldn’t. We start with the central tension: is it “good dumb” or “too dumb”? One of us rewatched it at 8 a.m. and practically saluted the TV; the other kept reaching for the edit button. Between those poles we find the real juice, breaking down how Michael Bay’s color-drenched, constantly moving camera manufactures feeling, myth, and momentum even when the science is hilariously off. Listen to us discuss!
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Music produced by Joey Prosser. X @mrjoeyprosser
Hello and welcome to the We Recommend Podcast, a movie podcast where every week we recommend a movie for you to watch, and then come back here and listen to us discuss. I'm Jesse. I'm Jason. Damage? Total, sir. It's what we call a global killer. The end of mankind. Doesn't matter where it hits, nothing would survive. Not even bacteria. Because this week we recommend Armageddon.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, you should have let me do the Owen Wilson part. Oh, you mean just the worst conditions imaginable, right? No, that's later. That's later.
SPEAKER_01:It's like, what's it gonna be like that up there? It's like this, this, this, this. Oh, oh, worst conditions possible. You should have said that. Worst conditions possible. Wow. Why? It's wild that he's my favorite character in the movie and he doesn't do anything at all. He barely does anything. When I remember this as a kid, I thought, oh, he's in this movie so much. I love Owen Wilson in this movie. And it's just like he kind of does have some of the best lines and him riding on the horse. I'm like, it's all perfect. He should be the leader. The Huey's behind him. Like, yeah. Hell yeah. This movie. All right. I'm just gonna be all out. I shot on shot. I shot on this movie. Oh, quack you, I shot on this movie all for two episodes. Um, because you know, I did me well, I'm gonna explain it again. Me and Natalie watched Volcano and uh Dante's Pika one night. We watched Armageddon Deep Impact one night. And uh watched Deep Impact first, like that movie, watch this one second. I was already pretty high, I was pretty drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and apparently bad combinations when watching movies. I just don't like them as much as I used to. I fucking watched this in the morning and I was like, I had my hand up. I was saluting every time I saw American flag. This is God bless America the entire time. I almost it rolled. I was like, okay, cool. There's so much stupid in it. I could cut 40 minutes out of this movie easy and it'd be a uh a perfect blockbuster movie. But you know, it did what it did at 8 a.m. in the morning, four men taking notes. I was like, all right, I started my day off pretty well.
SPEAKER_00:This whenever I watched, have you ever seen the South Park um episode where they have Michael Bay? I believe so. He's like everything he's ex he's is it's this movie. Like that's the way he acts. He's like Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Like Michael Bay looks at a scientist and they're like, you know, space doesn't make noise, right? Uh yeah, Ashwood's growl at you. Yeah, dude. Space makes nothing but sound. It's like, golly, this is the loudest space ever. So um, have you watched a lot of Michael Bay movies? Uh apparently I have. Do you have a favorite of him? Uh all the Transformers. Really? No, I'm just kidding. I almost like I I like maybe two Transformers. Just two.
SPEAKER_00:I like the first one.
SPEAKER_01:The first one, and I think it's Dark of the Moon. Like, I actually I think that one fucks. I don't remember it. I know I've seen that. That's the third one, and it's pretty good. Um well, so I think honestly, my favorite movie of his is probably The Rock. I mean Hell yeah, that terrible green goo. Oh, but it's like it that's a movie that sticks in my head all the time of just like movies he's done that I've absolutely loved.
SPEAKER_00:That was awesome. When they jammed the shot in his chest, yeah, right to his heart.
SPEAKER_01:So good. Like, I just always just think about Nicholas Cage just running after the green balls and catching it, and then those like F-16s flying over him. It's like, God bless America, baby. Get them off that rock. Uh, but I think that's probably most people's. I mean, you got bad boys, would you? Yeah, bad boys. I love bad. I've never really seen that much. I remember seeing as a kid, I haven't really seen scenes. Yeah, we gotta watch something we need to do on the podcast. Um, but uh I do love here's the thing his movies are dumb and they're also pretty bad most of the time, right? But who fucking cares? He's so enjoyable. He knows how to move the camera, he knows how to set up a shot of explosions. Um, but he is it really is one of those things. Like when I thought about watching this movie, and I'm like, man, this movie rules as a kid. Yeah, man. Then I grew up, and I was like, I got smart. I felt like my brain developed, and then I thought, and then now I watch so many movies, and it's it's like just nitpicking everything, and I'm like, stop. It's like I think that's why I can't really watch movies whenever I use Delta 8, because I'm like I'm like tuned in on like stupid stuff, and I'm like, that doesn't make sense. There you go.
SPEAKER_00:Well, that's usually what I use, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Or it's whatever the billion little like A T H B, whatever. Um But I love like so just watching this especially at the beginning of this movie, like the way he pans the cameras, so something that he loves to do is slow motion, camera like towards the feet. Kind of like looking up at like actors, and then like they're slowly kind of raising up and it just like spins around them. Anytime you watch a Michael Bay movie, just think that. Because and you'll just be like, Jesus Christ, he won't stop spinning around in the world.
SPEAKER_00:I love those pupskirts of Optimus Prime. Yeah, so hot.
SPEAKER_01:And he loves like, you know, like sunsets and sunrises and things like that. He loves orange and blue. I don't know if you ever noticed that in Michael Bay movies. He always has orange and blue everywhere. Those are Optimus Prime's colors. I know that he was perfect to make it, even though most people are like, wish someone else made these movies. It's just like he's he's great with the robots, but uh just like all his movies, uh, he doesn't know what human care humans are. No, it's fine. It's like it's like an alien was to write a script for humans. I don't think he's a human at all. Yeah. He's a construct of Los Angeles. So do you consider this a good movie or a bad movie? Uh amazing movie. Okay. I love that like we're like both like I was shitting on it so much for two ep episodes, and now I'm like, oh my god! Let's go. Um, so if you could cut stuff, what would you cut out of it? Um, all of the Grace and AJ stuff? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:I think so. Anything that does with Chick and his wife, and it's like, who gives a fuck?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. That's your dad.
SPEAKER_01:That's like a solid, that's a solid 30 minutes right there.
SPEAKER_00:You should have left him. He blew your kid's college. I'm gambling. Is Saving the World gonna fix that? No. No.
SPEAKER_01:Well, she's like, I man, I bet he, I bet he's gonna get to like, I bet he's gonna make a lot of money from this. So yeah, I'll get back with him, and then I'm gonna divorce him pay half.
SPEAKER_00:It's not gonna change.
SPEAKER_01:Especially since his prize of this is four days at the Caesar or something like that.
SPEAKER_00:It's like the Emperor package He just wants to gamble.
SPEAKER_01:I love like all the little things the US government's like, okay, that's gonna cost us nothing. So is this movie too stupid or just stupid enough?
SPEAKER_00:It's just stupid enough.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. Well, it's way too stupid.
SPEAKER_00:It's not too stupid. It is. I mean, does it no?
SPEAKER_01:I mean, it is it's I think it's again, you cut 40 minutes out of this, it's just enough stupid.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I mean, sure. And I would still watch it.
SPEAKER_01:It's just bro, it's over three hours of me doing notes. And it's just uh unless you're a masterpiece of a movie, it's just like I just want to hit my head with my laptop over and over. I'm like, all right, let me pause it real quick. Eventually, I was just like, you know what? I'm way too meticulous with like having every single plot point put in my notes. Just stop, Jesse. Do you gotta have to stop?
SPEAKER_00:Do you think that's what Disney told Michael Bay? It was like you think they were just like, just stop. No, because he made more money, more money. Yeah, well, he won. We made the excuse that he didn't have enough money to make it um like a true masterpiece. Yeah, that's what he says. But like, would it really help?
SPEAKER_01:What more did you need? Like, what do you want to add more stupid stuff? We don't want to destroy more cities. It's I honestly, yeah, like fucking take out everything with Grace and AJ, right? And then just put all the money you put for those scenes into explosions. More asteroids hitting. That would have been like one explosion, though. Because that was something I like when I re-watched it of a month ago, I was like, where's all the asteroids hitting the Earth? There's only it only happens really three times and you barely see it. Oh, really? That pa well, because he got the New York, and then he got uh Shanghai, which was very brief, and then the Paris one, which fucking hell yeah. I'm sure the Parisians were happy about that. Yeah, they're like, oh no, the Louvre. Um, have you ever had space dementia?
SPEAKER_00:I don't want to talk about it. By God, he's got space dementia.
SPEAKER_01:Apparently, taping Hey, can I can I borrow your DSM 4 real quick? I'm gonna look this up. Apparently, in uh the protocol for astronauts in space is if someone starts to kind of go a little loopy in space, it is to duct tape them to a chair.
SPEAKER_00:If they get onto a if they get onto the minigun that they were required to bring on every space mission.
SPEAKER_01:My favorite part of that is they have a Gatling gun on a thing, and then one guy pulls out a gun. What are you doing with a gun in space? It's like you got a fucking gatling gun on yours.
SPEAKER_00:Oh yeah, and a monster truck. Thank you. Oh, hell yeah. God. From one to ten, how America is this movie?
SPEAKER_01:It's like 11, right? Um, that's funny because uh my my next question for you is how many times did this movie vote for Donald Trump? 550 million times. It was just like every it's just like Rye Wings really won this movie. I did think about shut up, nerds oil men have to do stuff.
SPEAKER_00:Do you think if this should we have a movie president? Like obviously, we can't put DJT into this. Can't um but like this president doesn't even have a fucking name. No, he doesn't.
SPEAKER_01:I I was listening to a podcast actually about Armageddon. I wanted to kind of listen to a podcast that loved the movie and a podcast that did not like the movie. Um and pretty much I was just like, I want to kind of see both points, and I'm like, all right, let's see what I think. And I'm like, man, I'm dead fucking sinner. And their opinions. But they said that um they had a good idea, and they said that all presidents in movies should be elected. Yeah. And that person has to is forced to play a president in whatever movie is coming out. And I'd be like, oh, hell yeah, that'd be funny. Because like if it was Independence Day, it'd be like Bill Pullman, probably in this movie as well. And he'd be like, God dang, Bill Pullman's saving the world.
SPEAKER_00:What if the president is the main character, like in Air Force One?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, well then if we started it then, Harrison Ford would be the president for eight years.
SPEAKER_00:So I think with I think in that situation, you'd have to have your you'd have to hire a new president.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Because like I feel like if you elected a president for a general president role of all movies, he's gotta that's a big task. You know? But if he's gonna be the main character, because you you're not like nobody's gonna go for the Yeah, but usually most pre most movies don't have presidents as main characters.
SPEAKER_01:In the nineties there was a shit ton, and it's kind of like a a uh what do you like um what do you call it?
SPEAKER_00:A role where like a fake really famous old actor comes in that you haven't seen in a while. Like a cameo almost type. That's what it usually is.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's usually just like here's the president to give a speech, and it's just like I'm rock hard. This this president spoke so rock.
SPEAKER_00:Oh yeah, that's the thing. Is that how I engage his age in movies? Like whenever he starts doing presidential roles. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Dude, he just he will never look normal enough to do that.
SPEAKER_00:He's got like the Gold Chevy from idiocracy. And he should be the real president of all movies. Terry Cruz should just be president in all movies. So I love Terry Cruz so much.
SPEAKER_01:I got one last question for you. What decade did this movie take place? Is so you obviously it takes place in the 90s, but every time it's like, you know, something's about to happen and we cut to like all over the world. Anytime it cuts to America, it's always like a 1950s truck. Like everybody like in like all like Americana type outfits, and I'm like, so and nobody uses their TV. Yeah, and they're like always nobody's watching TV, they're all just listening to things on the radio. And I'm like, what decade is this? Was it was this movie like filmed like all the B side stuff? They're like, shit, did they say it was 1990s or 1950s? Like, I don't know, let's just do 1950s and do stuff. America, yeah. Americana. I was just like, why do we keep cutting to like the old like older houses, older cars? And it's just like and I was just like those are the golden era. It's like this Michael Badis is in love with like, you know, like the old, like, I don't know, Reagan era America and like 1950s era America. It's like uh he just needs to make like a uh period piece from that time. I don't know where he's gonna explode so much there, but he should.
SPEAKER_00:He's gonna remake the Christmas movie. Yeah. The leg lamp that just explodes.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's like it's like Ragee. I'm Optimus Prime. Hell yeah. I don't want the shit out of the leg. So uh NASA shows this film during their management training program. You managers are given the task of trying to spot as many errors as possible. Um, so far, at least 168 have been found. That's incredible. That's low.
SPEAKER_00:Well, are they looking for like HR violations or is it just like discrepancies between uh science?
SPEAKER_01:I think it's everything wrong that happened in this movie.
SPEAKER_00:They're like I wonder if there's like so that's almost one every minute. If not more. Because it's 130 minutes or no. Yeah, it's it's like yeah, 100 and like 50 minutes.
SPEAKER_01:50, something like that, yeah. So yeah, it's more than a minute. It's more than one a minute. Yeah. I mean, once you get to the asteroid scenes, it's just like the scientists are just like overloading steams coming out of their ears.
SPEAKER_00:It's gotta be like um take a shot every time you see a discrepancy, right? Everyone just gets all of NASA died from alcohol, pointing. See, that's the fun part of science. I love that.
SPEAKER_01:I and um why are we paying these people so much to watch Armageddon? Because they have to no wonder they're shutting NASA down. Like someone walks in, like, y'all fucking watching Armageddon? Let's defund NASA. This is what y'all do in your spare time. Yeah. This movie hates NASA.
SPEAKER_00:We can cut their movie budget for sure.
SPEAKER_01:It is funny kind of watching Dante's Peak and then watching this and like how much like they're just constantly, yeah, NASA, thank you, NASA, and Dante's Peak. And every time like some smart person in NASA says something in this movie, they're like, shut the fuck up and just it's the size of Texas. It's like, all right. Why Texas? Well, he's just trying to give them like an idea of how big it is, and it's like we can't listen to the smart person.
SPEAKER_00:Not even the biggest state, but it is the most cowboy state, though.
SPEAKER_01:Have a what's it, sling bait blade tell you it's the size of Texas? Yeah. I mean, he was a good Tater Hero. Billy Bob was probably the best actor in this movie, right? He was like the most believable in everything that happened. So uh this movie has a um legendary commentary track. I watched a couple snippets of it. Have you? It's Ben Affleck being a shithead. Yes, like kind of being drunk and being a shithead to Michael Bay. And uh, one of the best parts is regarding the film's premise. Ben Affleck asterisk or Michael Bay. Wouldn't it be easier for NASA to train astronauts how to drill rather than training drillers to be ass astronauts? They told Affleck to shut the fuck up. Nobody in this film thought this film was good, was ever gonna be good. They all were like, money. Give me the money. Because um when asked why he did this film, Steve Bushimi replied, I wanted a bigger house.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I wanted a second vacation. I think didn't Bruce Willis also do that? Um and Billy Bob Thornton? Yeah, they all did.
SPEAKER_01:They all did it for money. Every fucking Bruce Willis has said that he did not care for Michael Bay's directing style and he refuses to work with him again. Two hard-headed people working together, didn't think it'd work. That's why he never showed up in Transformers. Yeah, like, dang it, not again, Michael Bay. But Michael Bay's uh known to be an asshole, and Bruce Willis was kind of known to be an well, they're both kind of like egomaniac assholes on sets, apparently. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I can see how that would work out. Yeah. But I also think like Bruce Willis is just someone who when he comes when he back then at the height of his power, when he came on set, he was like, I want everybody to know what they're doing and let's do it and get out of here so I can go make another movie and make more money.
SPEAKER_00:Do you think he swore off saving the world from asteroids ever again? Yeah, he's like second time in the 90s he did he'd save the world from a giant sky evil.
SPEAKER_01:That's true. And he was like, never again. I'm gonna make bad red box movies and then get space dementia in all of it.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, he did get space dementia. It's really sad, but I had to make the joke.
SPEAKER_01:Sorry, Bruce. Yeah, it's all Michael Bay's fault. Thanks, Michael Bay. You took him to space, gave him dementia. So, because of the patriotic nature of the script and the success of using top guns starring Tom Cruise as recruitment material, the producers persuaded NASA to allow director Michael Bay and company to shoot in the normally restricted space agency. This included the Neutral Buoyancy Lab, a 65 million gallon 40-foot deep pool used to train astronauts for weightlessness, and the use of two 10 million spacesuits. Um, the crew was also allowed to shoot in the historic launch pad that went out of service after the Apollo 1 disaster, and the parts of the movies were filmed at Edwards Air Force Base in California.
SPEAKER_00:It's still good.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's great. Just don't think about the batteries. Yeah. Um, but that's awesome though. Yeah, because Top Gun, uh, yeah, people joined the army, the Air Force after Top Gun. Yeah, people were like, ooh, I can do this, and then there's just like somebody like, all I do is a checklist on the plane. This is not what it is. I got yelled at for six months. Yes. And I didn't have Tom Cruise's career.
SPEAKER_00:Oh man. You didn't have a goose.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So uh Bruce Willis came to the film after he decided a comedy he was filming called Broadway Brawler, great name, could not be salvaged and sought a way to exit the project. Disney's then head Joe Roth worked on a deal worked out a deal where Willis could star in Armageddon and two future films for the studio in exchange. Disney would absorb the Phil's project's uh cost and as an advance against his initial salary, the two films Willis later made under this deal were The Six Sense. Awesome Hell Fucking Yeah, and Unbreakable. Also Hellfug. Also pretty good. Yeah. So thank you, Armageddon. He forced Bruce Willis to do shit. You know, do one of his best films ever, and it's great. Um, so Steve Bishimi just gotta trust the big corporations. Yeah. Well, hey, Disney knows what they're doing. They know they do.
SPEAKER_00:Formula for making billions of dollars a day.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So Steve Bishimi claimed that the role of Rock Hound was pitched to him as a heroic geologist, which he eagerly accepted, wanting to change from his lowlife, like in Fargo and stuff like that, as whom he had been typecast. He noted that after he had been cast in the role, Rock Hound's sleazy characteristics were written into the script. Oh shit, they did that on purpose. People were like, Oh, we got sleazy ass Steve Bushimi. We can't have him be heroic with that face.
SPEAKER_00:You knew they knew beforehand. We need a sleazy actor.
SPEAKER_01:Michael Bay was like, Let's make him a pedophile. No, no. I mean, half his lines are I didn't know how old she was. And it's like, are you fucking kidding me? Why are why is this in here? That sucks. Which I guess was funny back then, but now people have opinions and are screaming about it. Rightfully so. I felt like there was a hint, a tension, uh, a hint of like, eh, the people are arguing about it, but no, they should be. It was just wild. It's just like, man, we just really did not give a fuck back then. No. Which is uh funny that Aerosmith, you know, is the soundtrack of this movie, and it's just like, how many songs do you have singing about 17-year-olds? Yeah, it's just like yikes, and your own daughter. Um, I actually forgot to mention that question. Um, who wants to have sex with Liv Tyler more? Uh Steven Tyler or Harry, her two dads.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my god. Oh, so creepy and this.
SPEAKER_01:Like, God, really? And then like he's like kissing on the on like her shoulder and stuff on the hang. And it's just like, Harry, walk away. Harry, walk away. I mean, how are you still watching this? Why are you pulling your pants down?
SPEAKER_00:Michael Michael Bay's like, Bruce, this is your last chance to touch Lift Tyler. Make it count.
SPEAKER_01:Even if I'm her father, it's like, don't matter. Have you seen the videos she's in with Steven Tyler? So uh Ben Effelett came up with the idea for the scenes of AJ and Grace's wedding to be filmed on Super 8. His personal Super 8 camera was used for the shoot, and he held and operated it for all the shoots in which he wasn't acting. The cake fight was improvised and the cast threw most of it at Michael Bay.
SPEAKER_00:That's a weird thing to put into this movie.
SPEAKER_01:At the very end. Well, it's supposed to be like, hey, you know what? Yeah, really sad, but they got married and it's okay.
SPEAKER_00:Was their relationship so integral to them getting married that it had to be added? I don't know. So um it's the heart of the film.
SPEAKER_01:If it if you can say it's a good idea. Is unsuccessfully the heart of the film, but you know black, dark heart. It's the heart of the film. Um but yeah, it's uh that's uh kind of because when listening to the podcast that really liked it, it was one of those things where like someone was like, cut all the AJ and Gray stuff, and I was like, Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. Animal But then everybody's like, No, you can't do that. It's the heart of the film. I was like, Are we sure about that?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, we're not really sure about that. Seemed like the heart of the film was more between Harry and Ben Affleck. Right, exactly. It's like he gets the big face-to-face, like, I love you.
SPEAKER_01:Um, so to my daughter. So we did talk about the director Michael Bay, but there's also a couple of um who go on to be directors and writers uh that are pretty famous in this. JJ Abrams wrote on the screenplay. This movie had like six writers. Nice. Um, probably where all the Star Wars and Star Trek references came at to be, I would assume, would be from JJ Abrams, because he was obsessed with those even at this age. Hell yeah. Um and the other one was Tony Gilroy. Should we talk about Star Wars some more? He did Andor. Oh shit. He's the creator of Andor. I like Andor. And an amazing movie called Michael Clayton. Hell yeah. Um, but yeah, I was just like I was like, shit, there's no wonder there's so much Star Wars. Literally, two people who use Star Wars space.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. They're like, hey, how should we reference in space? Yeah. How about the space movie?
SPEAKER_01:But there's like so, and they obviously they reference Godzilla, which we talked a little bit before the podcast. Um, Roman Roman Roland Emmerich, who's also a big disaster movie guy. I guess him and Michael Bay had beef, so that's why you had the little dog at the beginning in New York attacking Godzilla's and stuff like that. And it's like, cool, great. Glad you're all that fucking buddy. Focus on the filmmaking. So petty. Maybe you don't add all the Godzilla stuff and you have enough movie money to, you know, do more stuff.
SPEAKER_00:But yeah. And Godzilla's there for some reason. This movie thinks we're let's yeah, let's talk about that a little bit.
SPEAKER_01:So, yeah, it starts off with um the movie being like, hey, do you know that asteroids hit the planets and dinosaurs were here? It's like, are you well like we know y'all aren't smart enough to know that, so we're just gonna tell you at the beginning of this. And then I love that it says like the like what the whole point of the movie is, like the plot of the movie, like 15,000 times. So like, this is what we're doing. And it's like, I know you've told me so many times. You keep bringing in characters to tell you how this is supposed to be working. It's like, God, I know. Stop explaining to me what the plan is. No, there's so many times in like I was just kind of like looking down and like, all right, let me type this out. I'm like, why am I retyping this? You've already said this two different times. I know your plan. You've told us so much. It's like because they come up with a plan, like with all the nerds and stuff, NASA nerds. Fucking nerds, and then they go to the they tell all the oil people that, and then like some of the oil people explain it to other people, and then like they tell the oil, then they're like, All right, now we have to demonstrate it with like spaceships going around this. And I'm like, how many times are you gonna tell me this? I know what we're doing here, movie. Cut one of these scenes.
SPEAKER_00:Really gonna spell it out for you.
SPEAKER_01:It just feels like they had like a couple of jokes, and they're like, Well, let's just have them explain it and we'll throw in these jokes again.
SPEAKER_00:It kind of feels like they went. They kind of glossed over the fact that these guys are just oil drillers and and probably not great at math, right? I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:It's a very math-heavy industry, I'm sure.
SPEAKER_00:It's like, how would you train an idiot to be an astronaut if you only had six days? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I guess this is where it comes over to like how you really gotta hammer it home, and like this is a big rock. Well, kind of it's frustrating is Rock Hound is this genius, right? Steve Bushimi's character. He's really smart, but they make you not think he's smart because he does nothing but say dumb shit the whole time. But then he's like, Well, actually, the calculations, and it's like, wow, yeah, what are we doing? And the like the problem is you kind of forget he's smart because he's says dumb shit all the time. And then everybody else comes off as so dumb that it's like there has to be one smart person on this oil, right? Like, there has to be smart people because I mean it's a very like difficult job. And I know it's like a very blue-collar job.
SPEAKER_00:I think when you're a really smart person in that environment, you kind of have to dumb down to fit in. Yeah, I mean, I guess so. Steve Bushemmy.
SPEAKER_01:But I think it's like one of those I mean, oil rigging. I mean, you just have to be pretty. I mean, like I know it's like the idea of like, oh, they're all really dumb people, and I'm sure there are plenty of dumb people. I think it's a very like blue-collar job. Um, but highly trained in what they do. Yeah. It's it's weird. It's just like I think like after meeting them for five minutes and be like, all right, like we cannot.
SPEAKER_00:But I think you could dumb down a space launch to like press this button and then this button.
SPEAKER_01:No.
SPEAKER_00:We pressed all the buttons. We pre-pressed all the buttons. No way. You just have to press the green one.
SPEAKER_01:They're gonna be like, how do we get this off the ground one on the asteroid? I don't know. Well, just don't turn it off. Just keep keep the gin, keep the engines running and then press go, I guess. Yeah. Um, also, I love the fact that uh, I mean, like a lot of this movie kind of hinges on the fact it's like Grace is like, I didn't you made me have this life. Oh, this, that, and this. It's like, I don't want you to be around all these oil riggers. She shouldn't be there. And like all these people, yeah, because she just works in the office. And then I'm thinking, I'm like, yeah, probably a pretty terrible life. Um, your dad owns oil. He owns all the oil, he owns all the world. He literally has he has a giant oil thing out in the middle of the ocean, and like he has investors coming to see him. I'm like, you could probably do anything you wanted to, Grace.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, she could be anywhere. Yeah. Going to school, like with other kids, yeah, living her best.
SPEAKER_01:Do you not like this life?
SPEAKER_00:No, like, no, but dad put me on a a boat, a still boat.
SPEAKER_01:He didn't know she was there in the ocean. How did she get there without him knowing?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that don't happen. We should get into the plot. Harry, you take some classes. You're a bad dad, Harry. You're a wizard, Harry.
SPEAKER_01:I've I have to ask you, um, does his death scene get you? Uh yeah, yeah, I guess. Um, because that is something that, you know, listening to all the podcasts that I did, and even talking to my wife about it, it's like it makes her emotional. Like she she cried during it. Um, and like everybody in the podcast were all like, yeah, we all started almost kind of tearing up. And I'm like, am I heartless?
SPEAKER_00:Do I not have a soul? They also fucked up Ben Affleck's spacesuit. Yeah, that's true. Yes. Like, what the f man?
SPEAKER_01:Well, that was like the point. He didn't want to be able to breathe. So it's like, now I have to go.
SPEAKER_00:It's like uh my father-in-law. Uh, I know he'll never listen to this, but Oh, come on, father-in-law. Uh, we're about to have a big ice storm. I'm sure you've heard of it. Hell yeah.
SPEAKER_01:When this comes out, it'll be over.
SPEAKER_00:He's like, we were talking the other day, and he's like, Yeah, I've got two big old backup generators that I'm not even gonna use. I'm like, hey, can we use one of those? He's like, Nah.
SPEAKER_02:Nah.
SPEAKER_00:I need them. They're backup for the farm. He doesn't even have animals anymore. It's like, what is he gonna do? He's basically retired.
SPEAKER_01:I gotta heat the hay in the bar. I guess. That's weird. Well, if I didn't think while our power always goes out during an iceberg. Yeah, it's gotta go out. Um, yeah, we got a generator. I filled up my five-gallon jug. Let's go, baby. We're gonna get one night of nice sleep. Hopefully. Yeah, man. All right, so that is what we have happening in the next two days. It will be this.
SPEAKER_00:If shit hits the fan, you're welcome to come to the farmhouse because that's where we're gonna go if shit hits the fan.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, if we can get there in a car.
SPEAKER_00:You've been there?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Oh man, that's so many back roads. There's a hot tub. That's great. I don't think I can make it there though. There's a lot of back roads that aren't gonna be ice or uh salted. No, they're gonna be fine. So, we're gonna hit in the plot of Armageddon 1998. Um, oh, so real quick before we do that, Deep Impact. Disney heard that they were having so deep impact, the people who wanted to make it took it to Disney. Disney was like, oh, we don't want to work with you guys, but we like the idea of the film. So they fast tracked Armageddon. Hell yeah. That's how that's that's what people who make billions of dollars think, guys. So you know. You think a rich person uh is not a shitty person?
unknown:They are.
SPEAKER_01:They are, they will steal everything from you.
SPEAKER_00:I'd say it's likely.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Yeah. At least. But this movie loves rich people. So um, well, technically it says that they don't, but it's like everybody in here is probably hella fucking rich. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:They're the heroes of the movie. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:The oil companies. Hey, he donates to Greenpeace.
SPEAKER_00:No, but they made fun of Greenpeace. Well, they can still donate.
SPEAKER_01:It was their thin line of like, all right, let's not make it a complete shithead, but he's also shit. And it's like, you can't have it both ways, guys. So uh we want you to think of what's the point of Armageddon? Let us know. We have a link in the description. You can text us from your phone or from your computer and just be like, this is what I think the movie's about. Um, or just say hey. And there's our email at the bottom of the description. We recommend mailbag at gmail.com. And we're gonna get into Armageddon. So we have a weird dinosaur narration kind of telling us uh how dinosaurs died.
SPEAKER_00:I know I love his voice. It's almost like he's introducing Winnie the Pooh. Yeah, but fucking Morgan Freeman's ruined everything.
SPEAKER_01:Because I was like, yes, doesn't hit unless Morgan Freeman, right?
SPEAKER_00:So is the fucking penguins.
SPEAKER_01:But I will say it visually looked great when it hits hits the earth and it's all catching on fire. It looks really good. And then all the dinosaurs are burning to death. And it happened before and it will happen again. It's just a question of when. It's kind of wild that it just hasn't happened. Yeah. You just figure it would by now, right? All that shit floating up there. So while fixing the satellite in orbit, the space shuttle Atlantis is destroyed by a meteor shower, killing the entire crew. I love when their things pop, their mass pop open, they're all like, eh. It's great. Uh Dan Truman rallies the troops to figure out what is happening. We see a guy yelling at his wife, get the book, get the book. Because he's the one that like sees that the thing is happening, and she's like, uh Stofer's chicken pot pie's been ready for 10 hours. And it's like, that thing is gonna be disgusting to you now. It's gonna be all cold and congealed. And then he's like, I need give me the phone book. I gotta call NASA. Space pie. It's like, bitch, get the book, get the book. It's like, it's just that it's weird. I don't know, it's weird. Everything. Um, Keith David just pops up after uh he just got done fighting a volcano and says, now I'm fighting Armageddon's. Um Eddie Griffin uh rides a bike and Little Richard attacks Godzilla. Oh man, I love Eddie, Eddie Griffin. It's so funny. He was just like, what? That could have been anybody. He probably saved some money if you wanted to make a masterpiece, and you just got anybody to play that part.
SPEAKER_00:Um but yeah, and then uh you're fishing for a a place in Michael Bay's movies? Yeah, please. It could have been Jesse.
SPEAKER_01:I could have done Eddie Griffin's part. Yeah. I could have a dog named Little Richard, which I've seen before driving around Tillahoma because he used to live around here. Um R.I.P. Really? Yeah, he would oh, it was great. So he loved to go to KFC. What's it? Um so you could see him there, like in Tellahoma. It was fun. Are you talking about Eddie Griffin or Little Richard? Little Richard. No shit. Yeah, and uh I remember it's because like you sometimes like um you know where like Speedway is now in Tillahoma? Yeah. So we'd always get stuck at that red light, and he'd like come through Tillahoma there. And I just remember one time we were just like, that me and my friend Richard. Big Richard. Medium-sized Richard. His dad was big, big Richard. Then you had little Richard, so that makes Richard, middle-sized Richard. Um but like I just wrote we saw him, we're like, hey, and he's he's like, he just like rolled his windows down. It's like it's like you could just tell that he loved like being spotted out and uh out in the wild. It's great. It was so fun to see him. So uh meteorites then bombard New York City and several other parts of the world, and it looks rad as hell. Building, it's quiet. Cars. And then, like uh Eddie Griffin's character, uh, he has a dog with him the whole time, and a guy who's yelling at gets hit by a meteorite, and the dog is right next to him. So I don't know how the dog didn't die, but then he's like, Little Richard, little Richard, because he's somehow he's still holding to onto the a leash, and he's like little Richard's still alive, and it's like, let's fucking go. Um, so NAFA NASA discovers that an asteroid the size of Texas traveling at 22,000 miles per hour.
SPEAKER_00:It's not though.
SPEAKER_01:It's not um it will be American one. Yeah. It's like, God dang it, there's gonna be a bunch of cows on that asteroid. We're in trouble. Oh, we're fucked.
unknown:Dang it.
SPEAKER_01:It's like, well, I guess uh it's actually gonna snow here, so I guess that uh asteroid's actually gonna hit in uh Mexico because of Ted Cruz. The Gulf of America? Yeah. You know, because uh Ted Cruz is like, oh, it's gonna snow soon, better leave. Better get the fuck out of here. Wow, I can hear all the Republicans uh uh calling the cops right now. So uh so it will collide with Earth in 18 days, effectively destroying the planet. The meteors were pushed out of the asteroid belt by collision from a rogue comet, which also dislodged a massive asteroid the size of Texas. Um, the guy who finds it gets to name it right. I want to name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious, life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape. And then this is also where we get like damage total, sir. It's what we called a global killer. Hell yeah. That's it. And Billy Bob delivers all these excellent lines. It's like, man, for every like dumbass line they have. Before we get that uh global killer, I'd like some French fried tires. I would too. I'm with you, Billy. So we meet our hero, Harry Stamper, who is hitting golf balls at Greenpeace. He works on an oil rig. He drills, baby. He drills. He's mad at AJ and goes to yell at him, and then he finds out he's sleeping with his daughter.
SPEAKER_00:He goes to yell at him with a shotgun. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And uh he finds out he's sleeping with his daughter, and because only Harry can have sex with her, he tries to kill AJ by shooting him with a shotgun on an oil rig.
SPEAKER_00:My daughter wife.
SPEAKER_01:Well, they do say um it's like a thing, like um I guess that happens is that when like a mother dies, um, like the like father's daughter takes over the responsibilities of taking a few.
SPEAKER_00:It's super weird. Um and shooting uh live rounds on a oil rig sounds pretty weird. Smart, right? Sounds like a lot of flammable shit's gonna be on it.
SPEAKER_01:Seems like people did not react angry enough towards Harry. That was on like if I if I was Bear, I'd be like, with that giant ranch, I'd be like, yeah, I'm gonna hit him.
SPEAKER_00:It should have been like an HR violation at that.
SPEAKER_01:I think Harry is the boss and HR at the same time. HR deals with things with shotguns. Um, so uh we learned Harry doesn't want her to marry an oil man. Um oily man? Yeah, oil man. Um we learned that Steebushimi helped take care of her, uh, even taught her how to use tampons, and it's like that's fun. What the fuck are we doing? Yeah, we didn't even have you two back then. But I do love um, I do think look, I said that I think everybody does a pretty good job at acting in this movie, right? Um and I think that Ben Affleck does a great job. Anytime he's yelling, he's crushing it because he's like, Harry, I'm serious. I love her. It's just like he's so he looks so dumb, like that way that Ben Affleck looked back then. And then uh it's pretty good section, and then Bruce Willis, way wrong answers. Like, I was like, oh, that's good. That's fucking good. So uh the nerdy scientists at NASA in cooperation with Russia, Japan, Japan, and other European space agencies, plan to detonate a nuclear bomb at a precise point under the asteroid surface, which will split it in two and cause it to miss Earth. However, the bombs must be planted at least 800 feet below the surface within eight hours of landing, and no later than four hours before the Earth impact, the mission is not revealed to the public, fearing panic. I can see that happening. That would be a real life thing.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's like a big space abortion. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Honestly, if the asteroid's gonna hit the planet, don't let me know. Until like five days before.
SPEAKER_00:When they kind of didn't. Yeah. Right? Because this would be like, all right, not gonna work. I don't know. Wouldn't you want time to go like do all the crazy shit?
SPEAKER_01:I just feel like 18 days is too many days because everybody will just go crazy. At least five days, you can be like, alright, I can avoid people for five days. 18 days would be tough.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, maybe. I feel like they the astronauts or astronauts scientists should have like they probably saw this coming, right? Yeah, I'm apparently. I mean there was a possibility that they saw these two things colliding. I don't know. Apparently, I guess this is a freak accident.
SPEAKER_01:I guess not, even though I thought like from what movies make me understand is that there's people watching the skies all the time. But they do say in this, it's like uh you only give us so much money to watch the skies, and the skies are pretty big.
SPEAKER_00:It's pretty big. They've all got space dimensions.
SPEAKER_01:But you just figured that, like, I mean, they all kind of know about comets and stuff that they would be watching a comet, right? I don't know. But I wouldn't call this movie very accurate. No. So NASA, they locate Harry Stamper because he could help them drill a hole in the asteroid. Harry is a third-generation oil driller and owner of an oil drink drilling company, and he is the goddamn best at what he does.
SPEAKER_00:What if they just fired every nuke we had at it?
SPEAKER_01:Well, they do say that, and they said, No way, Jose.
SPEAKER_00:And I'm like, but I thought it's I thought we got a lot, we got a lot of nukes. No, we have to artificially inseminate this asteroid with a nuke. We gotta get this nuke pregnant. We gotta get the asteroid, it's crowning.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Um, and this is another great part with um Steve Bushimi's character because the FBI or like the you know military's there, and Steve Ushimi's like, I didn't know how old they were, I promised. And it's like, what?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, he thought he was in trouble.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, what are we doing with his character? Who this is why how am I supposed to root for this guy when he's like a fucking pedophile?
SPEAKER_00:I think they're talking about the the girl from Conair that he had tea with. Yeah, I think probably.
SPEAKER_01:Also, uh stay tuned because I've been really kind of wanting to watch Conair.
SPEAKER_00:Put the buddy down.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. We might have to do The Rock and Con Air back to back, baby. Yes. So when invited to NASA, Harry brings his daughter Grace to keep her away from AJ. Head of NASA, Dan Truman, informs Harry of the dire situation.
SPEAKER_00:So he brought her closer to AJ to keep her away from AJ.
SPEAKER_01:No, so AJ's not there. He took her off the oil rig and left AJ there so he could come with her. And they're like, Oh, this is top secret. It's like, well, I'm gonna tell her anyways. Could have hired a babysitter.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:AJ's like, we'll do it. So, head of NASA, Dan Truman informs Harry of this situation, saying we'll hit the Pacific Ocean ocean, causing a three-mile high wave and will send us to an ice age. We will make the movie Deep Impact.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, we can't let that happen.
SPEAKER_01:One of my reasons I like Deep Impact. In my wake up Godzilla. It's like Michael Bay's like, never. We can't. So recognizes Harry recognizes that he and his crew must accompany the astronauts to ensure the job is done properly because nerds are lame and can't do it. Uh they need a damn blue-collar man because nerds don't know jack about drilling. Um, yeah. So uh great line, six billion people on the planet, why'd you call me? Uh um, the scene where he accepts like taking it is so poorly edited and and written and like acted. It's insane. Oh, no way. There's this thing that's really bad to do when filmmaking is every time someone talks, constantly cutting to that person. And then when the next person starts talking, you cut to that person and you just keep doing it. It's very awkward. You can't just have them in the same shot. That well, or you know, like you can talk and don't have to cut to the next person. That's how a lot of movies kind of do it. Yeah, like you're kind of looking for the reaction, but when you just keep cutting back and forth, yeah. He can't stop. He hates not moving the camera. Um, but yeah, I do love that I don't love it. I think it's very dumb. But like they bring out the people that are gonna be doing the drilling or whatever, and they they obviously pick like the nerdiest and like most uh people you wouldn't find fit to all got like worker rocket protectors and stuff. Yeah, well, you know, they're either like a little overweight, a little they just kind of look really like nerds, right? And so he's like, These guys can't do it. You need men. And it's like, well, yeah, but then you like see the people on the flight cruise, and they're all like, these are American heroes. And it's like, well, why didn't you get the people?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, the astronauts are usually good shape, and they're super duper stupid.
SPEAKER_01:They're constantly swimming underwater.
SPEAKER_00:I'm sure they could figure they can figure out a space shuttle, they could figure out a drill.
SPEAKER_01:I will say, I mean, give them some credit. They're both true, I feel like, because there's no way that like someone working in drilling for eight months is gonna be able to know all the problem solving, right? Yeah, maybe. I mean, because I drilling's they're professionals. Like just watching all these like history shows where they kind of like drill and do things like that. Um, it's it's not easy. You gotta, it's obviously like it's something you gotta do. And then if you run into a situation, I mean, if you don't know what you're doing, it's gonna be tough.
SPEAKER_00:But they introduce a lot of drilling jargon here, but it makes them look really tough.
SPEAKER_01:People who've been drilling for eight months versus people are gonna be training how to go to space for 18, well, 12 days, it's like, I don't know. Maybe we just try to train a couple of these guys and they can go with them. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, yeah. Um yeah, they should have had multiple crews on this mission to save the entire fucking planet.
SPEAKER_01:I know it's like, why don't we have like five ships going?
SPEAKER_00:I know we have every single ship we have attacking this thing all at once.
SPEAKER_01:And then we we add five different nukes to it just in case we'll just set them all around and explode them and just hope something happens. Yeah, man. You figured like a nuke would like knock it off course though. Like if you put like five nukes on one side, I mean that's a lot of pressure. Right? You would think I don't know. Uh it's not like this movie's accurate. So it's time to get the team back together, baby. Even though they were all just together, now it's time to get them back together because they haven't been together for five minutes. So we got Harry's crew. You got Driller, Bear. He's the best. Fucking love him. He big. That's his his his thing is he's big. You got Max Leonard, uh, his thing is he's a mama's boy. Oh sweet. You got AJ, his thing is he's in love with the boss's daughter. Yeah, great. He's a hot head who doesn't listen. Um, and no matter how many mistakes he makes, he'll get to make the right decision later.
SPEAKER_00:He's so much like Harry that Harry doesn't like it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you got uh Giallis Rockhound, um, his thing is he's horny. Um and he's we see him hitting on Amanda from Saul.
SPEAKER_00:That's the girl from Saul. Um the first one, like the one who got with the face bear claw, bear clamp thing, bear head face thing. The opposite bear clamp.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. We've done that movie and we don't know what to call it. Um and then we got another geologist, Oscar Choice. Uh his main his uh personality is wow. Wow, I own horses.
SPEAKER_00:I can't wait to get back to my own horse.
SPEAKER_01:Whoa, have you seen my cattle? Wow, I'm always losing them. Oh, I was just ranching. Now there's helicopters.
SPEAKER_00:He ranches helicopters, that's how he makes his money.
SPEAKER_01:It's like I got a lasso these helicopters. Um, and then you got Charles Chickchapel. Um, his thing is he's a gambler who doesn't have a wife. Oh, Will Patton. He's lovely boy. I love Will Patton. It's like he he's got to such he always kind of plays like a little softy in movies. You know, he's always like, ah, I'm I have Especially when he's got like some five o'clock shadow. Yeah, it really is. Like you see Will Patton, you're like, we're in good hands here, guys. We know that uh if something goes down, he's gonna be there to be like, no, no, no, no, no, let's not do this. But he's also Harry's best friend, plus right hand man. And uh then there's also other people they don't really introduce him, they're just kind of like the next scene you see, everybody, you're like, Who are these guys? Uh it doesn't matter, they'll die. Um, so yeah, they all get wrangled. Harry goes to get AJ, who somehow uh within a two days started his own business. Fuck yeah, man. He just like has an oil company. So no go-getter. They they just left.
SPEAKER_00:How did he get no timeline?
SPEAKER_01:Like, has he been working on this? Has has he always had this? It's like, what are we doing? It's like a day or two. That's all he had. And he's like, just out in the middle of Texas, I'm assuming. Just like, yeah, I got my one. I get five gallons every two days. I don't know. So he says he will help him if Harry says he's sorry, but Harry doesn't. But AJ can't resist and he has to go play with dad. Um, so NASA at our okay. Oh, the list of the demands. Yeah. So uh yeah, they're all like, well, what are we gonna get out of this shit? Because at first Harry's like, Y'all wanna do it? And everybody's like, Well, I guess we don't want to die, so I guess we'll try. Um, they're like, and then they come on, it's like, we got a list of demands, uh like no taxes ever, all loans waived off, all traffic tickets and criminal records wiped clean. Uh they want to know who killed Kennedy. Bear wants to stay in the White Horse. White House Lincoln bedroom.
SPEAKER_00:You could ask for a lot more. I feel like they uh you gotta think big and most of these guys.
SPEAKER_01:I guess they're already rich people, probably, because they work in oil. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good j it's a good career. Very lucrative. I would just be like, yeah, I want a lot of money. I don't want to work again, and I want you to buy a vacation house on a beach. I want to own the casino. How about that? Will I would just literally be like, buy me a house on a beach. That's what I want to do.
SPEAKER_00:Buy me a house, fill it with gold.$20 million and a house on a beach. And a submarine. Like a nuclear submarine. Ooh, yes.
SPEAKER_01:Because if you come take my money. But yeah, I mean, like, yeah, as for$20 million, it's not gonna be taxed because also no taxes ever. I want everything, I guess. Well, let's be like, and that's just a lot of these are very good ones, though. It's like, yeah, I mean, all loans waived off. Are you kidding me? I'll take that. So they are gonna be put through a 12-day training program and testing and outfit a drilling rig with proper equipment. They uh so like at first we just see them doing their medical exams and they're all getting probed. Yeah. I get probed. Like their little like long ass thing that they're getting stuck up their butts, and it's like, what? Do you really need to do that? I mean, I guess you do need to know if they're helping. Or Will Patton's character, it's like, uh I I only do drilling, and she's like, Me too.
SPEAKER_00:Oh yeah, that's your new wife, Will.
SPEAKER_01:And it's just a bunch of goofballs, and somehow, even though, and I love it because um you got Bear, he because he's like, they're just like some conversation and Michael Clark Duncan, he's like, Yeah, y'all want to see this. He's kind of starts dancing and slapping his butt. And I'm like, I fucking love Michael Clark Duncan. He's so good. Yeah, so over 12 days, they are trained to become astronauts with astronauts Willie Sharp, who will pilot Freedom One of uh Freedom One, one of the two super shuttles to fly to the asteroid, the other being the independents. They train underwater. Uh they see the armadillo and tear it apart. It's a pretty good bit. Like, oh, this is it. Oh, this shit sucks. Um, and then they fly jets to fill the G's. They gotta fill them G's. Always good to see people. So they're just doing the G machine, the roundy. See, here's the thing that makes sense, but uh, it's more American and cool if you are in an airplane.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and they gotta have like shooting out the smoke in the back, like a red, white ball.
SPEAKER_01:There's nothing more American. Michael Bay loves America and he doesn't. Tom Cruise put the pilot. Tom Cruise is actually like just at home, Jay Owen. It's like, yeah, but I actually flew one. Yeah, he has.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think he owns one, doesn't he? Yeah, probably. Something like that. Or he flies them. Or he owns people that fly. Yeah, he does own people, yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_01:And it's called, if you're listening if you're in Scientology, don't listen. It's called Scientology. So Truman goes over the plan. They they're gonna leave Earth. This is like the fifth time they go over at this point in the movie. They leave Earth. Remember, we're going to space. Yeah, we're gonna blow up an asteroid. So they're gonna leave Earth, stop to fuel at a Russian space station where nothing will go wrong, then head to the moon and use its gravity to sh uh slingshot towards the asteroid and land in two different spots, set the bomb, leave, and if they do it before a certain barrier, they win. Um, Oscar. Wow, okay, Mr. Truman. Let's say that we actually do land on this. What's it gonna be like up there? Wow. Truman, 200 degrees in the sunlight, minus 200 in the shade, canyons of razor sharp rock, unpredictable gravitational conditions, unexpected eruptions, things like that. Wow, okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say. Scariest environment imaginable. You know, hearing crushes. Hearing me do it, not so good. Ah probably way worse than not getting it. Oh, it's much funnier. Yeah, yeah. It's one of those things where you have to kind of say wow first to try to get to lock in on the phone. Yeah, it's like wow, okay, yeah, now I can talk like you gotta imagine your nose is huge.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And speak through it.
SPEAKER_01:And it's got like I'm assuming his nose was like broken, that's why it's kind of like that. Uh if you care to know. I think it was like broken in like two spots, and that's why it's kind of got that like cave in like that. Yeah. Yeah. Cool nose, man. Um, but seriously, uh Owen Wilson's character is like the it's it's not the funniest lines, but you can tell that he's the best at comedy by the way he like works his dialogue. Because there's a lot, there's some more things like when he gets in the ship and he's kind of talking next to AJ, that's like really funny, and it's like, ah, why did he die? He brought his horse in the spaceship too.
SPEAKER_00:That's crazy.
SPEAKER_01:Is it okay if I ro wear my cowboy hat and ride the rocket to space?
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:So Harry is looking for Grace, who is getting cozy with AJ, who is kissing her shoulder and uh a lot, and Harry just watches with an erection. Because he wants to have sex with her. Does everybody get it yet? Does everybody get it? Um, and then AJ's just like, yo, what up, Grace? You want to marry? I'm gonna get married?
SPEAKER_03:She's like, sure, I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:We've been together for five months and 12 days. Why not?
SPEAKER_00:We've got a lot of shared trauma now that the world's about to end. We should definitely make this permanent.
SPEAKER_01:Then Harry's all pissed off, and like the crew's trying to tell Harry Grace grew up and can do whatever whatever she wants because you know we watched her grow up. She's a young woman, she's she should be out there doing whatever.
SPEAKER_00:She's so sexy.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, they're they all say she's super hot and young, and he should let her bone.
SPEAKER_00:But then they also say they helped raise her and she was like when they were when everyone was so excited about the Olsen twins going 18.
SPEAKER_01:And they're like daughters to them, and it's like, stop calling her hot then.
unknown:So awful.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I do remember. Me and Natalie. I would not be surprised. Yeah, there's a lot of weird things like in the 90s like that, because they had the Olsen twins. They also had something with like uh what's her name? Anna, I can't remember her name. Michael Smith? Yeah, like I think she had one. There's like a countdown with her as well. Yeah, there's like a lot of weird um people who are like, we don't want to be pedophiles, but we're thinking it.
unknown:Well, wait.
SPEAKER_01:So let's make a clock. Yeah. Weird times in our lives, weird times. Luckily, nothing ever got weird again. Nope. This is the last time. So they do more training on uh training, train they're do more drill training underwater. AJ is a hothead still, so he fucks it up because that's what he does. It's his whole thing. Harry yells at um, Harry tells Truman that they need a night off because they have to remember why they are doing the mission. Oh, yeah, because you're gonna die if you do. How about this? Lift off a day early.
unknown:Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Let's miss this on the bud.
SPEAKER_01:Let's make sure you have a couple extra hours.
SPEAKER_00:Let's see.
SPEAKER_01:Because you turns out you're gonna fucking need them.
SPEAKER_00:You know what? Jesse, you should be president. Right.
SPEAKER_01:It's like you should be president of asteroids. It's like, let's, these guys are uh unhinged. And plus, they've only been doing stuff for 12 days. Our job has made us work longer than that.
SPEAKER_00:Hey, we've forgotten why we're here. Yeah, we're gonna go get wasted.
SPEAKER_01:Right. They work on an oil rig, something that they do like when you're out there in the ocean, you're you're there for a long time. Yeah, months at a time. I think it should have been fine. But I do also get the thing. It's like they should be allowed to go see their families. But their family should have been brought to them.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:You know that could have been a minor inconvenience for the government. Yeah, right. It's like, uh, sorry, it's either taxes or you see your family. So uh we get the cringy animal cracker scene uh while her father sings over it. Yes, how fun. AJ puts animal crackers in her panties. Um, lol. Uh I love the line. Do you think anybody else is doing this? Come back for that one later. Do you think anybody else is doing this same thing in the world? And I'm like, uh, probably not. Not a lot of people are doing it. Yeah, this is pretty uh but I will say this scene is shot fantastically. Like the wide shot where there's like the perfect tree, the car the car that was obvious paid promotion. The BMW. Yeah, that was beautiful. I was like, wow, this shot is amazing. Too bad this scene sucks.
SPEAKER_00:Um it is pretty though. The sunset.
SPEAKER_01:It would be great, like, if AJ got back from the mission. He's like, we didn't have anything to eat. Do you still have that animal cracker down there?
SPEAKER_00:She digs it out. Yeah, gotcha boo.
SPEAKER_01:Steve Bushimi's like, that's uh those were mine. I've actually I've actually never thought about doing that, but that's good play, AJ.
SPEAKER_00:AJ gets back from space. Sorry, Liv Tyler. I met someone up there.
SPEAKER_01:Um, and before leaving, Chick apologizes to his ex-wife, a big who the fuck cares. Um he has a son, son doesn't know who he is. Uh, there's gonna be a great cringy ass line later. Hello. Um, most of the team gets arrested at a ship club. Shanghai gets obliterated by a meteor, kind of rules. We saw more of it. And after the meteor strikes in China, destroying the city, uh, cause a tsunami. The incoming asteroid and pending mission are revealed to the world. And before leaving the asteroid, Grace wants to apologize to Harry, but Harry apologizes instead. But Grace says that she loves she loves her life. She makes him promise that he will come back. And he says, sure, bet that won't happen. And now it's lunchtime, Jason. Launch, not lunch. It is lunchtime. I'm getting kind of hungry. So they all suit up. AJ says goodbye to Grace and starts singing, I'm leaving on a jet plane, and everybody joins in. Great little moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fun. Well, Michael will be Jordan, or not Michael, but Jordan, Michael Clark Duncan starts singing. It's like, hell yeah. Um, and they walk slowly. The president gives a speech, and it's like, God bless the fucking US of A.
SPEAKER_00:He's our best aircraft.
SPEAKER_01:These are our best aircraft.
SPEAKER_00:We've named the asteroid Biden after my enemy.
SPEAKER_01:And we put a nuclear bomb on it. It's the best bomb. We got the best oil rigars out here. Don't worry, no nerds.
SPEAKER_00:I'll hold on to the oil while we're gone.
SPEAKER_01:Just pray for these men. Breastpace dementia. Not real dementia like me. God, these we have to sound terrible. And then we're getting also during the speech, we get a lot of uh shots around the world of people doing stuff, a lot of American flags while people sit in uh 30-year-old trucks. Um people get in bomb shelters, they dress like it's the 1960s. Yeah, man. Um and people only listen to radios and drive old cars though. Yeah, no. It's weird.
SPEAKER_00:It's it's a they they have to find the outliers.
SPEAKER_01:People want to go back to that era, man.
SPEAKER_00:People are just enjoying the fresh air while they can. Gotta because they know it's gonna burn to the centers.
SPEAKER_01:So we have two military shuttles, Freedom and Independence, are launched successfully and dock at the Russian space station. And um, it's like also everything I just said was like 30 minutes of the fucking.
SPEAKER_00:Oh yeah, it was. Love it. Jeez, love it.
SPEAKER_01:We're at like an hour and 30 minutes of the movie, and we're just now going to space. Anybody that complains about Dante Peaks taking too long, it's like, fuck off.
SPEAKER_00:I did like the training montage of them. Like I did think it was cool. Like the monster truck, the space monster truck, the armadilla with the the driving between all the razor blades. That was kind of fun.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's cool.
SPEAKER_00:Like, I kind of want to drive that truck.
SPEAKER_01:Oh no. I mean, their reactions are completely appropriate because it's like, yeah, I mean, of course we're gonna act stupid around all this equipment. It rules.
SPEAKER_00:That'd be super fun. What are they gonna do? Fire us? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So yeah, they dock with a Russian space station. It's crewed by Lev, um, played by Peter Stormeyer. Always fun seeing him. His accent, not great. Um, he's been alone for 18 months, so they're gonna refuel.
SPEAKER_00:I love a good crazy Russian. Yeah. Oh, oh man. His accent constantly comes and goes.
SPEAKER_01:It's great. Just hitting shit with a wrench. Yeah. I love this guy. It's great. And it's uh, but for the love of God, why didn't we just cut this scene? It's like 15 minutes long, and it's like, we're not doing anything.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I feel like they could have added in just a space exon. And like this could have been.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, like, or how about this? This movie's not accurate, just have them go straight to the asteroid. Let's not divert for 20 minutes to do this.
SPEAKER_00:We could they could have solved this whole problem with an extra line. We packed you extra fuel, don't worry about it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, we got like three extra tanks, you're good.
SPEAKER_00:You put a we put a dairy cat on the line. It's like, don't worry about it.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, it was just it's like it's just like a fine scene, and it just seems to be like, huh, Russians, right? They build shitty stuff. That's the joke.
SPEAKER_00:But no.
SPEAKER_01:That's like it seems like that's all it is. That's yeah, that's what the It's like there's like this tension of AJ might not make it, and it's like we know he's gonna make it. But maybe they're why would they kill AJ here?
SPEAKER_00:Perhaps it's an attempt to make him think that the world's really like come together on a one project kind of thing. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, well, just how about this? Just have the Russian a part of the crew. I don't know. Yeah, he should have left with them. It's like the Russians are forcing us to bring this guy. I don't know. It's just like, I don't know. It was just like especially watching it twice so close together, and like it's like, come on, I want to do other stuff than just sit here for 50 hours doing this, taking notes, and it's like, oh, it's so unnecessary of a scene. Cool. So um, yeah, uh, they make it off successfully. The whole pl space station blows up because of uh, I don't know, crappy Russian craftsmanship. It's not American, it's bad. Yeah. Um obviously. The two ships uh exit the station.
SPEAKER_00:Um I do love a good docking scene.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, everybody tells, or yeah, uh Lev tells them not to touch anything. Of course, AJ encounters a problem, stopping the pumps after the ship's tanks are full. Leaky pipeline ignites the fuel pod on the fire, station explodes, crew and Lev escape. Later, the two shuttles perform a high G Force-powered slingshot procedure around the moon, traveling at 22 uh thousand miles per hour to intercept the asteroid. You said G spot? What? No, I said G Force.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:I may have said G-Spot. Maybe that's just that's a high powered G-Spot, baby. Go in that fashion, they will lift off. I hear what I want to hear, I guess. I can't wait to re-listen to this. Steve actually said it. It's gonna be embarrassing. So they enter the asteroid's wake. The independence is struck by debris and crash lands on the asteroid, killing most of its crew, including Oscar. Wow, I died. And essentially, it just doesn't kill um AJ AJ, Max, and no, AJ, Bear, and Lev live. Um, they survive because of plot armor. Um and then they embark in the shuttles and armadillo to find the freedom crew.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, they're pretty far away, seems like. Yeah, apparently. This thing's supposed to be how big? Six months, the size of Texas. Size of Texas. Well, he's gotta drive across Texas to get to I don't know, man. Uh yep. Those armadillo just if you got a monster truck, you're good.
SPEAKER_01:And I love how like they had like paved roads for a portion of the asteroid.
SPEAKER_00:I was like, You know they do.
SPEAKER_01:Thank god this asteroid is has a road.
SPEAKER_00:Set up a crew first to put in some infrastructure. There's gonna be a Wendy's. Would have been smart. Fucking Buckies up there. Yeah. Hell yeah. It's like y'all hungry.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, I want Taco Bell. Ah, it's the one thing they don't have up there. Damn it. So the freedom fucking bah blast. The free uh actually we discontinued it on the asteroid uh at the asteroid location. Sorry. It's the Pepsi asteroid. So it's like, well, who works here? It's still only 15-year-olds, still only 15 year olds. They do only get minimum wage. We pay them in space rocks. Well, that's actually probably too expensive.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, those space rocks are worth a lot. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So Freedom lands on the surface, but misses the target landing zone by 26 miles, arriving on an area of hard iron which will be difficult to drill through. We learn all this because of Rock Hound. He's a genius. Um we're not supposed to land here because the rock is super is much harder, and it's like, how do you know at all what this rock is made out of?
SPEAKER_00:Uh yeah, I feel like it's a big success that you landed at all. Yeah, right. Moving as much debris as there was.
SPEAKER_01:Jesus.
SPEAKER_00:A fast moving object.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So as they exit the space shuttles, uh, space growls and grunts at them. Get off an asteroid. Oh, there's a flea on me. The team has a Gatling gun and use it too because why?
SPEAKER_00:Why does he? I don't know. Explain it to me.
SPEAKER_01:I guess so if they can shoot their way out of a space shuttle that they're supposed to fly off in. I don't know. So they use it to exit the shuttle with the armadillo. The freedom team tries to drill but suffers several setbacks and loses due losses due to unexpected conditions.
SPEAKER_00:I do love like the the tension built up with the the how dig how far deep they've gone. Yeah, any given moment, and there's just explosions constantly. It just like cuts to we're all getting exploded by asteroids, like little ones, and then back to the asteroid where everything's fucked up and crazy. Explosions. We're drilling. Ah. And then you got someone in the back, hurry up, we gotta go all the time.
SPEAKER_01:Drill harder. Where's Tommy Lee Jones?
SPEAKER_00:He would have had this done in a fucking hard way.
SPEAKER_01:Well, yeah. And uh did mention it last time on Volcano, and we'll do it here. Uh, there's a great scene in Volcano where Tommy Lee Jones is like having everybody dig up stuff, and there's a guy jackhammering, and he like pushes the guy out the way, he takes a jackhammer, and it's like even harder.
SPEAKER_00:And it carries them away really cartoonishly. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, but like I love that the first time they do it, they only drill like 25 feet and like break their bit and everything. And like, god damn it. It's like, why didn't you have like all your drill bits ready to go at the professional drillers, right?
SPEAKER_00:That's what I thought. Yeah. Come on, big oil.
SPEAKER_01:So uh Sharp reports through mission control that it's unlikely they will reach the depths necessary to destroy the asteroid before zero barrier, the point after which detonating the rock will not save Earth. Harry says they can't go by NASA's drill time. Uh and then they lose calms. It's like, I've been doing this for 30 years. We can't go by this time. And it's like, did y'all not talk about? Do you remember the part where it's gonna kill the whole planet? You did you did 12 years of training? Y'all didn't y'all didn't communicate by like at all about like how long this might take, if there's setbacks, how long that will take to get the setbacks back in gear.
SPEAKER_00:Like Captain Hindsight's up there, like, yeah, maybe we should have come a day sooner. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Maybe we shouldn't have. I mean, I guess they had to do it at a certain time because they wouldn't have been able to shoot around the Oh, you get that slingshot effect on the G spot.
SPEAKER_00:It's yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So the president of the United States decides to remotely detonate the bomb from Earth, from Earth, uh, immediately, and not understanding this will cause total mission failure. Sharp locks everyone out of the shuttle with a gun as the clock counts down to the detonation. Who brings a gun to space? You guys did. Yeah, two of them. One really big one. And y'all do not react nearly as uh dramatically uh when you know Rock Hound has a gatling gun and he's just shooting it everywhere.
SPEAKER_00:He's just laughing.
SPEAKER_01:And everybody's like, God dang it, Rock Car hound, won't you stop? But if the NASA guy gets a gun, you son of a bitch.
SPEAKER_00:I will say I really felt uh Steve Bitch Rock Hound in this in this scene because like when you fire an automatic weapon for the first time, maybe it's just me, but I got a huge like.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think I remember you saying that one time.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. It is so fun. It is you kind of lose yourself in it.
SPEAKER_01:Whenever I uh shot like uh AR-15 for the first time, my initial reactions were this is gonna make my shoulders sore. I was like, this is heavier than I thought. And then my shoulders were sore. I also have like bad shoulders and neck problems, so nobody cares. So Harry convinces Colonel Sharp to deactivate the bomb and help them attempt to finish the job. Um, I love like the bomb starts ticking, and Chick's like, uh, how do you turn it off? Like the way he delivers some of these little lines are like excellent. Um uh and then Harry promises that for 30 years I've never missed a target depth in my career. Uh so they turn the bomb off and they receive comms again. Also, um, there is a great line. So they're fighting. The Bruce and Will Patton get the upper hand, Will gets the gun. Um, sorry. Uh Harry and Chick. Harry then like puts like some giant ass clamps around Colonel Shark's neck. And it's like, and then um what is it? It's not Bear. It's like two other guys come up front like into the ship. He's like, uh, so what did we miss? And I was like, in good line. Fucking good line. Um, and yeah, so they have uh they have uh the bomb shut off and they receive comms again. AJ, Bear, and Lev are still trying to get to the team. They're gonna have to jump a gap, gap. Rockhound rides the nuke and is acting weird. AJ and guy, and they also make like a um uh Doctor Strange Love joke. That's like what all that is. They're talking about Doctor Strange Love. Nice. Yeah. I don't know anything about Doctor Strange Love. It is a movie. Cool. It's a good movie. It's a great movie. Stanley Cuber. Oh, nice. AJ and guys are gonna try to jump a canyon. They uh just cause we can't.
SPEAKER_00:America. Because America.
SPEAKER_01:Well, we they gotta get to the other side.
SPEAKER_00:They set up the sparklers and the fire, like the fire.
SPEAKER_01:I like to think that they're they've spent like so many hours, it's like, dang it, canyon. Dang it, another canyon, dang it, another canyon. You know what we're jumping it. But they're gonna use like they're gonna jump because there's like no gravity and they're gonna use the thrusters. Um, so they go, they try to jump. They hit some rocks and start floating into outer space. They try to use the thrusters, but they don't work. Lev goes outside to de-ice the thrusters. Chaos ensues as they spin and hit everything, but they land safely and somehow Lev makes it. Even though he was just floating around with space rocks flying at him, hitting everything. There's just nothing stronger than plot armor. And space. That's why if I ever have to go into a war, I hope I have plot armor. Yeah, write a book or a four. Yeah. It's like, I'm sorry, in this book I can't die. So while drilling, Raw Count picks up a machine gun that shoots the gatling, or like picks up a machine that shoots the gatling gun and he starts shooting everything.
SPEAKER_00:Fucking awesome. It's got like the visor. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:It's like, what are we? I mean a science fiction.
SPEAKER_00:That's what Apaches have. Like you just look and everything dies. Oh, really? Everything you look at dies. That's so fucking rad.
SPEAKER_01:Um, and then Colonel Sharp, he delivers the line of a century. By God, he has space dementia. Yes. Is that a thing?
SPEAKER_00:Our space psychiatrists has called it.
SPEAKER_01:Space dementia a thing. I don't know. Would it be called dementia, or would it just be called uh what the fuck would you call? I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:That's the best.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, because it I mean is he doing dementia type things? Dementia means like you kind of just forget everything.
SPEAKER_00:I think no, he's just uh lost self-control.
SPEAKER_01:The G he's got in his head. He's gone so with only 250 feet left to drill, their drilling machine is blasted off by the asteroid and kills Max in the process because of a gas vent. Ugh, gotta hate those gas vents. I got a gas vent right here. It's my dog. So when the radio crew the crew radio uh send a radio report to NASA that the mission has failed, worldwide panic ensues as humanity breaks itself. Darn it. Well, guess we should loot. Time to loot. And then a massive moot meteorite then strikes Paris, destroying most of the city. And it looks cool.
SPEAKER_00:It does look really cool. Louvre got a let's go, baby. Louvre got hit hard. Why does it why do the asteroids target the art district?
SPEAKER_01:I don't they hate art. Louvre.
SPEAKER_00:I don't know what's in Shanghai. I feel like most of the asteroids would just hit the water, right?
SPEAKER_01:I mean, there's a huge percentage chance that it would since it's most of what our Earth is. But uh that wouldn't be cool. That would not be cool.
SPEAKER_00:We want to see people die on TV. Yeah. So yeah, and then I'm I want to see somebody like in the middle of one of those slingshot rides at the carnival or whatever. Yeah. And then just like you get taken out right as it you're going up, and you just keep going.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. So yeah, actually, pretty good, pretty lucky. Pretty lucky. Now I get to see it from up top. Wow. So Truman agrees to just go ahead and detonate the nuke. Grace attacks Truman, asking if they can lift off because she doesn't want them to die, even though they're all gonna die anyway. So if they lift off, they have nowhere to go. At least they're gonna die quickly.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, seems like you'd have a better chance outside.
SPEAKER_01:It's like, hey, Grace, you're about to die. Hey, they're gonna die either way. Yeah, you can watch them die. How cool would that be? But I get it. They're like, should we have Grace do anything? Should she be actually be in this room right now? Seems like a terrible place to be. Maybe have somebody that's not just a regular civilian with a lot on the line in an area where she could mess stuff up.
SPEAKER_00:She is the daughter of the bravest man on earth.
SPEAKER_01:We're getting there.
SPEAKER_00:You gotta shake her hand later.
SPEAKER_01:It's so fucking cringy and good. So Harry puts AJ in charge of oh, the Freedom Crew learns the other team, manages to five because they show up just in time. Is that small enough? Um, thanks to Lev and AJ and uh Bear. They have they have a second drill now. Woohoo! So Harry puts AJ in charge of finishing the drilling, and why not? He's been pretty level-headed this whole time. They hit a rough spot, and AJ tells Harry to trust him, and for some reason he does, even though like he's giving him no reason to trust him this entire movie.
SPEAKER_00:Trust you, trust me, or I'll shoot you with a fucking shot.
SPEAKER_01:Uh, you know, they successfully drill into the depths. So great job. I guess uh maybe he knows what he's talking about. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:It's good drilling.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I guess he got lucky. Good drilling, buddy. The team lowers the nuclear bomb into the hole and are caught in a uh rock storm. You know, that happens. The storm kills his crew members, uh uh, you know, and explosions happen, of course. Uh asteroids really explode a lot.
SPEAKER_00:They do.
SPEAKER_01:I didn't know asteroids were just constantly exploded. If um like something touches the ground of an asteroid, it immediately blows up. Every time like a rock hit, there's like there's so many explosions. I'm like, what's exploding? Like you just see rocks getting hit with nothing and they're just exploding. I'm like, what is this asteroid made of?
SPEAKER_00:It's a giant cannabis.
SPEAKER_01:We sure it's not just gonna explode at any point and not hit Earth. It's pressurized, right? Um, but we learned that the remote bomb has been uh damaged, uh, rendering it uh you can't detonate it anymore. You have to hand detonate it. So with 18 minutes left, Truman tells the team that someone must stay behind to detonate the bomb.
SPEAKER_00:You're gonna charge it with one of those shake, like the shaky flashbacks.
SPEAKER_01:Raw Cowlings has been like, I've been preparing this my entire life. Give me that bomb. I was already humping it earlier. So get the warm up. AJ the fluffer. It's like I just gotta think about Grace.
SPEAKER_00:So everybody has a picture of his daughter. Yeah, they're all like kissing it. Harry's like, what the fuck is going on? It's my turn.
SPEAKER_01:I thought it was weird you all kissed her on the mouth when you left.
SPEAKER_00:We all love my daughter so much. Thank you, everyone.
SPEAKER_01:But no one loves her more than me.
SPEAKER_00:Gosh.
SPEAKER_01:So AJ is chosen after drawing straws, but Harry disables AJ's air supply and takes his place. Harry forces him into the shuttle shuttle's airlock before telling AJ that he's a son Harry never had, and he would be proud to have him marry Grace. Now I get it, Jason. Yeah. He's mad, not at Grace, for being with AJ. He's mad. So he'd like, AJ's like my son. That means y'all two shouldn't be boning him. Oh. I should be boning him.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. That makes so much more sense.
SPEAKER_01:That joke go anywhere. That hand hit leave, leave us a message if it is.
SPEAKER_00:You're the son I'm never gonna have.
SPEAKER_01:To bone. So Harry sends a message.
SPEAKER_00:I'm glad I couldn't be your father. Yeah. You suck. You suck.
SPEAKER_01:I would have loved to actually find out though.
SPEAKER_00:Go take care of my daughter.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Make her call her my name. Make her call you my name. So Harry sends a message to his daughter, giving his full support for her to marry AJ. And it's like, wow, dad. You're gonna call me from Space For dying and saying, I give you my blessing.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. This is almost a 2000. Didn't care, Dad. Harry.
SPEAKER_01:Harry. Um uh says he couldn't have done it, done this without AJ. He thinks Chick and says that he loves uh Grace a lot. So the crew tries to lift off, but the sh uh it's a very emotional scene um for a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00:Really?
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:Um This is like the scene I was telling you earlier that the message when Will Patton's like, you goddamn stubborn son of a bitch.
SPEAKER_01:But like just like the whole message to the daughter. Like I get it. It's like a, you know. Telling your daughter goodbye.
SPEAKER_00:That's like funny if they play like the Skype noise beforehand. And then like he shows up. He's got like the cat image on his face. He's like, I don't know how to turn off this filter.
SPEAKER_01:I don't know how to turn this off.
SPEAKER_00:That's the baby filter off.
SPEAKER_01:I just want to say to my daughter, the lover. Um, so the crew tries to lift off, but the shuttle uh isn't working. So Lev just uh starts hitting over the wrench and it works um because they're like, we have no time for logic anymore. And then Harry detonates the bomb exactly at the deadline, and his life flashes before his eyes. It's actually kind of great. It goes like into his eyes, and like he sees like the flashes.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. But like I love that before he's like, push the button, Harry. Press the button, Harry. It's like that's what she's great.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. He detonates the bomb, causing the asteroid to split in two and miss the earth by 400 miles at the cost of his own life.
SPEAKER_00:The the visual of the the meteor or the asteroid getting split perfectly in half was pretty dope, I will say. It had like the two like like explosion, whatever you call them, like the the plumes of energy or whatever.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that was sick. Yeah, it looked great. I wasn't, I mean, well, we'll get to it in our bad and the ugly. Um, so the remaining crew of freedom and independence returned to Earth as heroes. I want to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I ever met.
SPEAKER_00:Want to go to dinner?
SPEAKER_01:He uh told me to be your dad. Yeah, he said, we all know what that means. I'm your new dad. Also, you have brothers. I have kids. So AJ reunites with Grace while the others are met by their loved ones. Grace and AJ soon marry while Harry and the while Harry and the other lost crew members are memorialized.
SPEAKER_00:The I love how Raw Cown gets reunited with the love of his life. Yeah, that one stripper he just met. They took out a huge loan from sh from loan shard store.
SPEAKER_01:I it's like, I mean, well, I mean the government's gonna pay it back, I'm sure. Yeah. It's like, hey, uh Truman, you think you can help me out here?
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, I mean, Raw Count's gonna have no problem getting laid now. He's like, I don't have to buy you anything because you wouldn't be here without it.
SPEAKER_00:Did you just use that for the rest of your life? Hey, save the world.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, hey, I got space dementia. What y'all think about that? Oh, I must have forgot your our anniversary again. Yeah, that damn space dementia. Oh, sorry I cheated on you. Space dementia. I thought it was single.
SPEAKER_00:When I gave blood once and they gave me a shirt that said I was a hero, I kept wearing it so much and calling myself a hero. I was making this excuse. I was like, I I'm a hero. I can't. I'm a hero, I get blood.
SPEAKER_01:I potentially saved a life.
SPEAKER_00:God dang it. I feel this is like a little, like maybe one step above that. Yeah. Yeah, just a little bit.
SPEAKER_01:So, Jason, what's the point of the movie?
SPEAKER_00:The point is that the oil companies and the big execs really have our best interest in mind.
SPEAKER_01:They do. They're gonna save the world. They would not make a rocket for just themselves and get in it and try to fly to the to Mars. They wouldn't do that for sure. That's not why every billionaire is trying to go to space. Not at all.
SPEAKER_00:Not why they're trying to colonize other planets.
SPEAKER_01:They probably don't have like a giant bunker in the middle of like the tallest mountain somewhere where they have told nobody about it. So I don't know. And that's exactly where like all the presidents and the richest people will go. Definitely not something that would happen. Um I think the point is to show America's better than everyone else. Yeah. And that, you know what? No other country would have been able to stop that asteroid.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, you don't think that there's never a point in time in this movie or in this timeline where they're like the president was like, hey, other countries?
SPEAKER_01:Do you have anybody that's an astronaut and can drill? Any drilling astronauts y'all got? You're welcome, planet Earth. Well, we got one, but he's French. Oh, get that Frenchie out of here. Well, sorry, we don't have cheese and croissants on our spaceships.
SPEAKER_00:We do, but they're not for you.
SPEAKER_01:But yeah, I mean, it's just to entertain. It's just to show you that you know what, America can goddamn do it. And we still own our 50s cars.
SPEAKER_00:One of their demands was Greenland. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:It's like, yeah, now that we saved the world, we get to pick one country and we choose Greenland. I picked my own, I picked my own island. I'd be like, I want that one. Technically, we also bought that island too. Then it turned into a terrible island.
SPEAKER_00:I want to be the king of Hawaii. They don't have a king. That's a state.
SPEAKER_01:I want I want a house on a volcano.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yes. Pierce Brosman comes in. Don't. Don't do it, man. It took my wife.
unknown:All right.
SPEAKER_01:Let's go into couples therapy with the volcano. Just constantly like at the bottom of the volcano, Tommy Lee Jones. God dang you a volcano! So we're gonna hit our next category: the good, the bad, the ugly, the fine. That's where we discuss the good of the film, something we liked, the bad, something we didn't like, the ugly, something that didn't age well, the fine, something that did age well. I thought the good was um Billy Bob Thornton.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, he was amazing.
SPEAKER_01:He was great in this movie.
SPEAKER_00:He's so fine. One of our best actors. Yeah, he's so witty and great. Even though he uh it's crazy that he was the best actor out of this whole movie. Yeah, it's even a main character.
SPEAKER_01:He wasn't, but it's just he was just like he was just like, hey, I deliver the lines for all the people. I'm Tommy Lee Jones. I'm the guy here to tell you all the things that you wouldn't understand a scientist to say.
SPEAKER_00:My name's Billy Bob Exposition. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, do you kind of prefer that versus now I feel like um in most movies, they're always like if you think about most sci-fi films now, they always give you like the scientific expla explanation. This movie's like, shut up with that. Just don't worry about it. Billy Bob, tell them what's going on. It's like do you kind of prefer do you prefer like a bunch of like science jargon, or would you prefer something like this where Billy Bob is like it big?
SPEAKER_00:No, uh yeah, no, I do I do think that um whenever it comes to uh jargon is never necessary unless you're especially when you're talking to people who don't all also use that same jargon. Yeah, like it's useless. So like his character is perfect for this.
SPEAKER_01:So here's what Jason just said Christopher Nolan sucks, Michael Bay, good. Because Christopher Nolan, his sci-fi, maybe he's like, yes, I'll explain it to you five to four times.
SPEAKER_00:Well, that's a I'm just kidding. I just thought it was it was a great uh connection for like having a person who's really good at communicating all this science-y shit.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and he just says it in like, hey audiences, we don't want you to have to think about this.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, don't think about it. It's your popcorn.
SPEAKER_01:It's Texas. It's your popcorn.
SPEAKER_00:It's Texas. So do you have anything else for the good? Good. Uh the visuals. Uh even though I don't think you could have made this movie without moving constantly. So thank you, Michael Bay.
SPEAKER_01:Even though that probably made it way harder to do the visual effects.
SPEAKER_00:No, the visual effects were um were awesome. Yeah. It was great. No, yeah, it did look great.
SPEAKER_01:That might be my fine. Um, the bad, too damn long. Yeah. Style. Too long. Way too long. Not enough chaos. Well, plenty of chaos, but too long. More asteroids.
SPEAKER_00:I could have used a few more a few more cities destroyed.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Cut every cut 40 minutes and maybe add five more minutes of asteroids hit.
SPEAKER_00:Just have the asteroids just like monument hungry. Yeah. You know, it's just a just every single one.
SPEAKER_01:I know.
SPEAKER_00:Bam, bam, bam. Lincoln, gone.
SPEAKER_01:Also, like Washington Monument, gone. I want to see like because I want to see like an asteroid hit like something like Iowa. Just because it's like very wide, flat land. It just screws up all the potatoes, and one guy's out there like, oh man. No, it'd just be a rad wide shot. It would be cool. Yeah. Um, yeah. So for the ugly, I put uh Michael Bay, his movies. He's not made really that good of a movie since. Yeah. People like Ambulance, where I've seen Ambulance. Yeah, it's like a movie where you like a lot of drone shots. Um, apparently it was great in theaters, but watching at home, I was like, this is like a big who cares. Um, and it's like also uh like people were really talking about how good the drone shots are, but like he's cutting from the drone shots so much, I was like, it doesn't matter to me. Do the drones at least kiss? No, but I kissed the drone. Oh, that's nice. Um, but also the movie sucks. It's like the like as a kid, like, yeah, this movie fucking rules, but like as I've gotten like, oh, I kind of actually like smarter things now, it's not as good as it was when I was a kid. Um, but I mean I still like the movie. Like, don't get me wrong. But I'm just like, yeah, the movie has an angel.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, constant explosions.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I love it. And it's just like now that like every movie, action movie, has like a 40-minute, like final big bombastic scene. It's just kind of like, just kind of get tired of it. Okay. Sometimes. Um, but yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I think every once in a few.
SPEAKER_01:As I'm like, please more asteroids.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I don't know. It's just like the stuff on the asteroids fun and all, but it's just like after a while, I'm like, can we just fucking drill the hole and put a bomb in it? Yeah. Why are we making this take so long?
SPEAKER_00:Armageddon too. Oh no, there was another asteroid behind the first asteroid.
SPEAKER_01:It's just like there's already a lot of drama here. You don't have to add a gun. Uh yeah, you do. It didn't add anything.
SPEAKER_00:You can't have a monster truck without also a gun.
SPEAKER_01:Like, you could have you could have just cut half of the stuff on the asteroid and it'd been fine.
SPEAKER_00:Or add more on top of it. Add like Space Ninjas.
SPEAKER_01:That's why you need the gun. Instead, we get Armageddon 2, asteroid's revenge.
SPEAKER_00:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:It's like Jaws, Jaws Revenge. It's like, oh no, a relative of asteroid.
SPEAKER_00:It's like it turns out it's got to America or bust on it.
SPEAKER_01:The asteroid was like a the like uh another asteroid's wife, and it's like, you son of a bitch, I'm coming for you. I'm gonna get him money. I can't live my life this way. Yeah. It's like technically that asteroid was like John Wick's dog. And now the John Wick of asteroids is coming. We've doomed ourselves. Asteroid to shooting nerd. Um, did you have anything for the ugly? What's it? What didn't age well for you?
SPEAKER_00:Okay, what did not age well? Man, Ben Affleck, I think.
SPEAKER_01:God, I just We talk about everybody loves Ben Affleck. No, we had our Affleck Assange. Affleck. I guess it's technically Ben Assange, but okay.
SPEAKER_00:Maybe he would just be the bad of this movie. I really didn't enjoy his character or even Liv Tyler.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, Grayson AJ, they uh that's why I said we just cut them.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_01:I don't know who that scene goes to at the end with Harry, but you know.
SPEAKER_00:Just stuff for it would have been really funny if they went like a hot shots dua with this and like just her cooking bacon on her stomach and stuffing animal crackers down her pants. Hell yeah, that'd be great.
SPEAKER_01:So we'll hit the fine. I just put the effects. Great effects. Yeah. Also, very star-studded movies. I love star-studded movies. Even if they don't have anything to do, I'm like that guy. Kill him.
SPEAKER_02:He's funny, kill him.
SPEAKER_01:Hey. This guy cool by in my books.
SPEAKER_02:So we got for the fine. The fine. Asteroids. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Asteroid movies, there's not enough of them. Why are we not getting one every year? I don't know. I mean, you don't want to wear it out. Yeah, I do. Especially so I could have more things to say about like double features.
SPEAKER_00:You could have made this movie without Steve Bushemi, but would you want to?
SPEAKER_03:No.
SPEAKER_00:No.
SPEAKER_01:Even though he's like even though I like don't like his character at all, but I love Bashemi. I don't know. He's like, he just was the age he was age 60 since the day he was born. Alright, Jason, we're gonna hit our double features. What do you got for a film that goes alongside Armageddon?
SPEAKER_00:Man, I want to say that there should be a hotline and it's called the Bruce Hotline. Whenever you're in trouble, you call the Bruce Hotline, you're like, send me a Bruce. Send me a Bruce. They're like We got Bruce Willis, Bruce Lee, Bruce Springsteen. For we got a Bruce for every situation. I think the fifth element, he does this the same thing. Yeah. But with magic, I guess.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, face magic, you know. Face magic. Space magic. Pineapple aliens. The fifth element is one of my favorite all-time movies ever. Is it better than Armageddon? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. It's one of Bruce Willis's best.
SPEAKER_00:And Mia Jovovich was Ruby Rod. She was gonna be, yeah, Ruby Rod's amazing. They need to redo fifth element for this podcast.
SPEAKER_01:Oh my god. We're so much better at podcasting than then.
SPEAKER_00:But like if Mia Jovovich was here instead of Liv Tyler, it would have just been the same mood.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:But without it would have.
SPEAKER_01:And if she also couldn't talk well, that'd be also hilarious. No, that would have been no big bada boom.
SPEAKER_00:Big bada boom. Dunko, dunko. And at least like whisperers, like, hey, we already did the one.
SPEAKER_01:We already did it. This is a wrong movie. Wrong movie. Wrong movie. But even though you're my daughter in this, I still want to have sex with you.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, fifth element, man. I think uh almost the same movie in a way.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I love it.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, same movie, but also like way different. But same movie. Um, I chose the Gerard Butler-led film Greenland. Nice. A lot of Greenland talk today. A lot of Greenland talk this year, last year. Never thought we'd be talking about Greenland so much. But it's uh to save his family from a catastrophic end of times. A man embarks on a risky quest to locate the last hope for salvation and witness the worst of mankind and the battle for survival. Asteroids hit Earth. It looks great. It's cool. It's like the best asteroid movie that's happened since Armageddon and Deep Impact because it's like one of the only ones.
SPEAKER_00:I can't wait to see it.
SPEAKER_01:It's really good. It's on HBO Max. It's uh so good at getting a sequel that uh probably Greenland 2 migration. Even greener. It doesn't look good. It's just like they do a lot of really cool things in the movie Greenland. Um, and I like it. Greenland 2, 51st state. It's it really instead of doing like the whole NASA thing and going into space, it's like, what's happening on Earth during it? And like people like leaving their houses, like, what the fuck do we do? And it's it's just pretty interesting.
SPEAKER_00:It's they fight back, they hit the asteroids back into space because fuck space.
SPEAKER_01:I will not spoil Greenland for you, but uh that doesn't happen. So that's exactly what happens. Oh man, Jason, this has been fun so far. Our movies are just the same as other movies. We only got one more, and I'm pretty sad about it. Deep Impact.
SPEAKER_00:Deep Impact, baby. I I don't even remember that movie because I I can't wait to watch it again. It's great. It's got uh there's a child marriage in it. I remember that. Yep. Our boy Elijah Wood.
SPEAKER_01:It's got Robert Duval, Tay Leone, Elijah Wood, Morgan Freeman. Come on, man. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great. John Favreau's in it, James Cromwell. That's cast. But yeah, so join us next week for Deep Impact, and then we'll have our rankings of all four movies together. Oh yay. Can't wait. Um, but yeah, join us next week for that. Leave us some fan mail. I already told you, it's all in the description, you bitches. Um, leave us some comments on YouTube, like, follow, rate us in all the available locations. The more you do that, the more listeners we'll have. And that means nothing for you, but everything to us. Rate us, rate us. And in this fucked up asteroid-halving world, don't you want to spread a little joy to dumb people in a room where my dog keeps farting next to me? Don't you want to give me something good? So, yeah, do that. I'd also like to thank Joey Prosser for our intro and out show uh music. You can follow him on X at Mr. Joey Proster. And this has been the We Recommend Podcast. I've been Jesse. I've been Jason. God dang it. I want to shake the hand of the daughter of a podcast of the bravest podcasts in the world.
SPEAKER_02:Bye.
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