Meghan Kolodka's Experience as a Surrogate Mother.

Join us as we walk through the inspiring journey of Meghan Kolodka, a brave and compassionate woman who chose to become an altruistic surrogate mother. A  friend's infertility struggle planted the seed of surrogacy, leading Meghan to embark on an extraordinary journey of carrying a baby that wasn't biologically hers. Meghan shares her husband's and Mother in Laws initial apprehension and how she saw being a surrogate a wonderful opportunity to teach her daughters and community about family creation. Megan's experiences are nothing short of awe-inspiring and heart-warming.

Megan doesn't stop at just sharing her story; she dives deeper into the emotional aspects of surrogacy. Listen as she offers insights on mental health, emotional strength, and effective communication, crucial elements for anyone considering surrogacy. From her request for skin-to-skin contact post-birth to dealing with the challenges of having a transfer done in the US, Megan remains level-headed and resilient. Her experience, laced with wisdom and insights, is sure to be a beacon of hope and guidance to anyone considering or just curious about this life-altering journey.

Growing Families https://www.growingfamilies.org or call +61 02 8054 0078

Growing Families was established by Sam Everingham in 2014 (initially as Families Through Surrogacy) and has assisted over 3000 singles and couples to engage in cross-border donor and surrogacy arrangements.

As an International Advisory Board creator Growing Families specialises in education, guidance and support on surrogacy and donation globally. It provides legal, financial, psychological and practical professional industry advice as an independent third party in a complex area to providers. Growing Families helps singles, heterosexual and gay couples on their family building journeys.

Contact Growing Families today to find out more about its confidential one to one consultations, holistic concierge packages and global events with guest speakers and industry experts from around the world.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

My Miracle Baby navigating surrogacy and donor IVF a limited podcast series recorded and produced by growing families, sam Everingham and Kerry Duncan.

Speaker 2: 0:22

Welcome everybody. We're delighted today to have with us Megan Kalodka. Megan's got a fascinating background. She's 35 years old, which I'm not sure we should actually disclose that, but we'll put that in there anyway and she was raised in Columbia in Canada. She lives and works in Sunpeaks, BC, and she's a yoga teacher that's pretty amazing. A studio manager and personal trainer. She enjoys mountain biking, hiking, snowboarding and going on adventures with her friends and family in her spare time, which I imagine is probably not a lot. Megan has two daughters, Zoe and Alia. She's a fierce ally of the LGBTQ community and hold highly supports equal rights for all. She's had two healthy pregnancies in the past and thought why not? How can I help someone and become a surrogate? So welcome, Megan. We'd love to hear more about your story. Glad you can be here today. Thank you.

Speaker 3: 1:10

Hi Megan. A lot of people ask me this all the time about why do women decide to become a surrogate, to carry for someone else? What encouraged you to at the first, to be interested in this?

Speaker 4: 1:24

A very good friend of mine went through several years of trying to get pregnant and failing, so watching her go through her infertility issues was a huge motivator for me. I've always been fascinated by surrogacy. I thought it was just a very, very cool thing to do and I went through both of my pregnancies and they were both fairly uncomplicated, easy and I really enjoyed being pregnant. And then just began to get a little bit more seriously after I had my second daughter and started talking to my husband and I actually got offered to carry for this friend who was going to be in fertility but she ended up finally getting pregnant with IVF so I was like, well, I still kind of want to do it. So I was connected with fertility consultant company and was matched up with Mark and Damian and the rest of sister.

Speaker 3: 2:22

Yeah. Well, when you told your husband what you wanted to do, how did he react?

Speaker 4: 2:29

He's generally supportive of all these big, big things that I want to do, but he's very much an overthinker. So he went through all the very important questions of like we got to talk about what if you're on bed rest for weeks, for months, for what if something terrible happens? Like how, how are me and the girls going to be like, supported? And he saw how passionate I was about this and I assured him that, as I would do everything I could to make it as smooth as possible and would make sure that the couple I was caring for or the lead to the parent I was caring for would be the right fit. Luckily, it all worked out.

Speaker 3: 3:08

And were there concerns that you had at the start as well? Were you worried about particular things.

Speaker 4: 3:12

I mean there's so many things that can go wrong with pregnancy, like even from the smallest thing to having a heartburn all the time to your like you could die. So it's. I definitely went through all of that in my head, processed that with therapist and Mike, who's my husband, my other family members just who were concerned. My mother-in-law was quite a concern about the whole process just because she I mean it's her son and her, her grandkids and me and she wanted to make sure everyone was as safe and taken care of as possible. But, yeah, definitely went through those in my head but had two, two healthy ones, was hoping that this would be the same and it was.

Speaker 3: 3:54

So your kids were quite young when you went ahead with the surrogacy with that.

Speaker 4: 3:59

Yes, so they would have been four and a half and just about two.

Speaker 3: 4:03

Yeah, right when it came to choosing who you want to carry for, was that just your choice to learn, or would you discuss with your husband, mike, as well?

Speaker 4: 4:12

Oh yeah, no, it was actually. That was really. The only profile I showed him was Merck and Damien's, because they were the ones that I immediately felt a connection with. I went through many, many, many of them myself, but there was the only one that I sent to him and my family and they were like yeah, they seem really nice. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3: 4:34

And you always wanted to carry for a guy couple? Or do you look at both profiles?

Speaker 4: 4:39

I did look at both. Yeah, like I said in my little profile thing, fairly strong advocate for the LGBTQ community, so I wanted to kind of there's just so much hate in the world and I was just trying to balance it out by doing something nice for a lovely couple that deserved it.

Speaker 3: 4:58

Yeah, that's really nice. I mean, a big question people always ask me is look, do you switch off psychologically from thinking this is my child when you're carrying someone else's baby? How do you do that?

Speaker 4: 5:09

I was very curious to how that would go. I think it's really important for Syriots to be done having their own children. I think that's major, major, major. I think that would be. If we were even considering a third, I would have done that first before going through this, because that would be very, very difficult psychologically if you even were considering having another kid. But Mike and I were absolutely 110% sure we're done it too. So it not once did I feel like, oh, maybe we could have another one or just any maternal connection. I took care of it as it would be my own, but not once was I felt like heartbreak for another baby.

Speaker 2: 6:04

Megan, do you find the journey emotional? Like you said, you didn't get emotionally involved with the baby. He didn't feel like it was yours. Can you tell us a bit about that journey emotionally?

Speaker 4: 6:14

It was mostly just the whole thing was just beautiful, the way everything worked out. It was just for the first transfer to take successfully, for the support I received from the intended parents, just checking in, and just for me personally. It was just fascinating being able to do this. For somebody, it was just a very it was a cool opportunity to teach my girls about about how other families are made, like teaching adults how other families are made, because it was just, it was a lot to. I live in a very small town, so a lot for people to wrap their heads around, but for me, emotionally I was I'm a pretty level-headed person so I yeah, it was just just beautiful and I enjoyed it up until the last month, which was a bit of a challenge, but yeah, just, was it hard having caring for a couple who are so far away.

Speaker 3: 7:12

Did that make it more difficult?

Speaker 4: 7:14

I mean, I don't really have much to compare it to I wish like if I felt very, very connected with them, even though they were very far away. I felt we communicated regularly, I updated them on every appointment that I went to, any updates any like, sent them like recordings of the heartbeat and they'd send me videos of their daughter and where they live, and so I felt like I already knew them when they, when they got here, it was, it was very cool, yeah, great, but you actually because I assume because of distance, you didn't actually meet them until the end of the process in person.

Speaker 3: 7:48

Is that right, Correct?

Speaker 4: 7:50

Yeah, they got here. Both of my, both of my girls were early. One of them was almost a month early and I was having some signs that that this baby could very well be really near the end. So they flew here early. So we got to spend a little bit of extra time before he arrived, two days late.

Speaker 3: 8:07

Yeah, I mean, how do you get to know each other at a distance up in the front part of the relationship? Do you do Zoom calls or all kinds of things to do?

Speaker 4: 8:18

We did so. We, we did a handful of WhatsApp video chats and then we we generally use WhatsApp for communication and just just sending messages and updates regularly. It was yeah, it's. It's pretty cool we can feel so connected to somebody across the world.

Speaker 3: 8:35

It's yeah, it's pretty handy, that's right. That's right. I mean, obviously there's a lot of issues you've got to discuss with these arrangements sort of up front. I mean, I mean like termination and expressing milk and colostrum and those kinds of things. And how do you go with the conversations about colostrum and expressing milk? Was it something that you were prepared to do?

Speaker 4: 8:54

Yes, yes, absolutely yeah, we had. We had all conversations about, yeah, if, if there was multiples. We talked about selective reduction. We talked about if I would be pumping for them yeah, colostrum, I, yeah, that was. I'm very much an open book with the well, anyone that would ask about this, but but especially them, just making sure that if that was something they wanted and I was definitely up for it and yeah, yeah, so I did it. I didn't end up pumping them, pumping for baby, baby Hudson while he was here for the month it was. It was pretty neat.

Speaker 2: 9:27

That's great, and can you tell us a bit about the birth with the couple there and when Hudson was born?

Speaker 4: 9:33

Yes, so it was. I ended up basically insisting that the hospital break my water because I could not bear to be pregnant anymore, and they were staffed enough that day. And I had my sister with me who was supposed to be at my past two births with her nieces, but missed the first one because she was so early, missed the second one because of COVID. So I wanted her to be one of my support people and I actually ended up hiring a doula this time as well, just because I wasn't sure how it would really go emotionally for me during their birth process and not having my husband there would be a little different. And then the two dads were both in the room and then their daughter came in shortly after he was born and got to meet him. So there was a party in there, it was beautiful, lovely, explain to me what a doula does.

Speaker 3: 10:32

Some people aren't familiar with doulas and it would be good to talk about that a bit.

Speaker 4: 10:35

Yes. So doulas are basically emotional and physical support people during your labor and delivery. So they're not midwives, but they work very closely with midwives and they're there to offer physical hands on support if you need. They're quite good with If you need them. If you're having back labor, they'll know all the pressure points. They'll do massage and just to offer emotional support because it's the most intense thing you'll ever go through. And sometimes the partners if it's a male partner they don't fully understand what the woman is actually going through that moment. So just being able to kind of be there for her and psych her up, if she's trying to say she can't do this, she can't do this, it was amazing. I'm very, very glad she was there.

Speaker 3: 11:29

So you'd recommend it for others. Sorry about that, but think about Caring, having a doula there.

Speaker 4: 11:35

Absolutely, she was fantastic. It was just even just little little things that they've just they've seen so many births, they have so much experience and, for someone who's constantly there for for you the entire time, like she, she managed to get all these beautiful photos of us as well during during the labor and delivery, and to me it felt like she was there the entire time, like just with like a hand on my back, like the whole time, but somehow she was doing all these other things too, so it was.

Speaker 3: 12:03

Yeah, yeah, my. What about contact with Hudson and his dad's post birth? When you talk about sort of what you wanted there or what would work for you, would work for those guys.

Speaker 4: 12:16

Yeah, yeah, so we went over that as well. I I requested if, if it was okay with them, obviously that that he beyond me Just for even the first like 10, 15 minutes, while they will do the. The uterine massage Just helps with just the skin to skin for me would help help shrink the uterus down and help with less bleeding and and that. So that was that was important to me, just to for my safety, really, like it wasn't, it wasn't an emotional thing, but and then as soon as soon as that was done, and then basically until the placenta was out, and then I, damian, cut the cord and we passed him on.

Speaker 3: 12:55

Yeah, wow, wow. It was an induced delivery, but not a caesarean, is that right? It was not a caesarean no yeah, okay, did you have any transistors? Didn't work. I know a lot of sorry, but we talked to. You know I've had three or four or five transfer for that success. What happened in your case?

Speaker 4: 13:12

So I discussed with with Mark and Damian right at the beginning I said just with, with timing of everything I Said, because I got to actually got married like the month before we were Supposed to be the first transfer. But I I did tell them that I would, if the first one didn't take, that I would that I would try a second time and then after that, if that didn't, if that didn't take, we would, we'd reevaluate after that.

Speaker 3: 13:38

Yeah, and there was a complication, wasn't there? Could you actually what happened to the transfer done in the USI rather than Canada? Because the embers from the US went back.

Speaker 4: 13:46

Yes, yes, lots of, lots of moving parts to that, though I I did fly to Fly to San Diego to do the transfer. Yes, so just for for them. I was for them financially. I was happy it took the first time, because that's Not yeah, yeah exactly.

Speaker 3: 14:05

Yeah, wow, I mean some people worry about whether you're gonna just bond with a child. You're caring, you know, psychologically, I mean, how do you stop yourself doing that sort of natural bonding that sort of women do? Is it just a mental thing? I think?

Speaker 4: 14:20

a lot of it. I went in with the headspace of this is this is not my child, it never, it never was. And just being able to To talk to my, talk to my girls about it and read we've got books on surrogacy. So just never referring to him as our baby. He was always Izzy's, izzy's brother, or Mark and Damien's baby, or the baby. It was never, yeah, never our baby and yeah, it just just with that, with that headspace I was pretty yeah, that's right Love level-headed with it. Love level-headed with it.

Speaker 3: 14:57

The people who don't understand how the Canadian system works. I mean, as you and I know, it's an ultra six system. So how does the expenses part of it work, because you have got a still cover your soul's expenses. So was there just a monthly payment that comes through from the agency for that? Has that happened?

Speaker 4: 15:11

Yes, so with the, with the agency that I'm working with, I submit receipts to, to my monthly Report. I guess it would be. And then they'd they would reimburse me at the end of each month for expenses.

Speaker 3: 15:24

Yep, got it. Okay, Just so. That makes sure you know out of pocket for anything, doesn't it?

Speaker 4: 15:28

Exactly.

Speaker 3: 15:29

Yeah, that's great and I assume you know you can put expenses in for all kinds of things like child care and health care, massages, chiropractic, that kind of thing. Is that right?

Speaker 4: 15:37

Yes, yeah, so yeah, because I mean there's there's extra calories that you need During pregnancy, so they'll still. They'll cover some percentage of groceries I live. I live about 45 minute drive from the city where Hudson was born and where my main care was my Preneatal care, so mileage was was a big one too.

Speaker 3: 15:57

Yeah, yep, yep, so you just know the questions as well, sure I have.

Speaker 2: 16:01

So, megan, it sounds like you had a pretty good pregnancy or great when it sounds like it was a really joyful experience to share house. How intended parents can support. Sorry, gets through the journey. It sounded like Mark and Damien did a pretty good job. Can you give us some examples of what people can do?

Speaker 4: 16:15

Yes, they were, they're fantastic. Just just Checking in, we discussed at the beginning how, like, how often do you want to talk? And it was. I was like, just let's, let it be, let it be natural, but a lot of surrogates will need a little bit more, a little bit more support. I, I think because I've, like, I've got a very, very good, good support team here with my, my family, so I was a Very well taken care of.

Speaker 4: 16:38

But just just for the intended parents just to even check in and to say how are you like, how are you really? And be like, be genuinely Invested in how the surrogates doing, because there's there some days where Pregnancies, yeah, it's just straight up hard, which, yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't rainbow and sunshine's every day, it's rainbow and sunshine every day. For me, like there was there was definitely some tough days and just For them, like sending me, sending me flowers, like was just a small thing, or sending, like a setting, my girls like, like a couple, a couple toys and like just just knowing that they're, they're thinking of us and they're genuinely concerned and concerned for my well-being and my family's well-being, and Just a way to show that they, that they care, yeah, yeah, so communication.

Speaker 3: 17:29

And I assume your partners also be part of this in terms of helping you out around the house, too, as part of the process, isn't he?

Speaker 4: 17:35

Yes, he's, he's fantastic. I don't think I would have been able to do this if I didn't have as of as a supportive, supportive partner as Mike. There's a lot of Single mothers that do this and I'm honestly not sure how they do it. Like it, this is, it's a, it's a huge, huge, huge thing. So I, the supportive partner, is is key and for me, yeah. That's for surrogacy.

Speaker 3: 18:04

Yeah, no, I agree.

Speaker 2: 18:06

Megan wonder how much yoga and your philosophy about life Supported you during the pregnancy and, obviously, your decision to become a surrogate in the first place? Is anything you want to share about that?

Speaker 4: 18:17

Yes.

Speaker 4: 18:17

So for I mean, for me, it's just I've always, I've always wanted, I've always enjoyed doing, doing nice things for people, and then I took my yoga teacher training about three years ago three years ago now, maybe four years ago and just just talking about your, your life's purpose and basically just being the best human that you can, and I was given a gift of being able to carry and birth babies very safely and and very well.

Speaker 4: 18:49

So I, yeah, and I like making people happy and it's just I've, I'm so grateful for the life that I have. Like gratitude is a huge, huge part of yoga and I I'm just so grateful and I have a beautiful family. I have my sister lives next door to me, my mom lives down the road, I live in a tiny little mountain resort town. I get to ski and bike and snowboard and I'm healthy and just Grateful for everything I have and a lot of people aren't able to have, have those things and just being able to do something major for For a couple that can't like, couldn't physically have a baby without my health was something that I Felt pretty strongly about.

Speaker 3: 19:37

Yeah, that's really lovely, megan. One of the things that is you know lots of people do is what for independent? So see, well, they don't use an agency and Try and mention themselves. You went through an agency, I mean. What was it? Was it much easier if you having the agency support than not having it? Do you think?

Speaker 4: 19:54

as as a first-time surrogate I would. I think it was Incredibly helpful to have someone in the middle as a liaison, just especially with with how complicated this one was. Like I don't live next door to the fertility company a company like it was or and next door to be the fertility center, so it was just with the the process of setting up the travel Getting to like I had to drive to Kelowna a couple times for uterine lining checks, which Kelowna is about almost three hours away from here driving, so a couple trips there, just questions about like what can I expense Everything to do with the lawyers? Just having someone in the middle there as well, just because everything was very, very new to me. If I was a second-time surrogate I would be more open to an independent, independent journey, but For first time I it was extremely helpful. Yes.

Speaker 3: 20:46

Yeah, yeah, no, I can imagine would have been, and they sort of help you find a lawyer who can help represent you in the process today.

Speaker 4: 20:53

They did yeah.

Speaker 3: 20:53

Yeah, great, great. Can we have any more questions on your side?

Speaker 2: 20:56

My last one, just if you had any general advice for women thinking about becoming a surrogate.

Speaker 4: 21:01

My genuine advice would be to have, if not a supportive partner, to have at least one, two, three, four people that will advocate for you and be there for you physically, emotionally, mentally such a major, major, major event that you're taking on. And, yeah, so definitely support and definitely know what she wants out of the surrogacy, just how she, how she or to be able to express what she wants, to see this surrogacy as like, be very clear on her, on what she, the communication she wants from her IPs and how she needs to be supported and also to be as physically and emotionally strong as possible, because your body is going to change so so, so much, and if you're not strong going in, it's going to be tougher to recover and if you're not strong going in mentally, it's probably going to make it worse. So to be able to be quite, quite healthy mentally as well, I think, is huge.

Speaker 3: 22:09

Yep, that's really great advice. I love it. Thank you so much for sharing Megan Right. Really good to have chat with you Excellent yeah.

Speaker 1: 22:20

We hope you enjoyed this episode. For further information, please head to the Growing Families website, wwwgrowingfamiliesorg.