Navigating Non-Traditional Family Structures: Remy's Journey Growing Up with Two Dads and His Unique Connection to his Surrogate and Donor.

What does family mean to you? What if your family looked a little different from what's considered 'the norm'? Our guest today, Remy, provides a compelling insight into his unique family structure, born via surrogacy to two loving dads. Now a teenager, he shares his experiences growing up and connections with his surrogate mother in the USA and his egg donor in France. 

We journey with Remy from his birth in the USA to his life in Australia, exploring a variety of topics along the way. We tackle the tricky question of surrogate compensation and the importance of openness about your child's birth story. Remy lends his perspective on dealing with traditional events such as Mother's and Father's Day in a non-traditional family setup. His story is a testament to the boundless nature of family, love, and identity, providing a refreshing viewpoint and valuable tips for parents navigating similar paths.

Growing Families https://www.growingfamilies.org or call +61 02 8054 0078

Growing Families was established by Sam Everingham in 2014 (initially as Families Through Surrogacy) and has assisted over 3000 singles and couples to engage in cross-border donor and surrogacy arrangements.

As an International Advisory Board creator Growing Families specialises in education, guidance and support on surrogacy and donation globally. It provides legal, financial, psychological and practical professional industry advice as an independent third party in a complex area to providers. Growing Families helps singles, heterosexual and gay couples on their family building journeys.

Contact Growing Families today to find out more about its confidential one to one consultations, holistic concierge packages and global events with guest speakers and industry experts from around the world.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

My Miracle Baby navigating surrogacy and donor IVF a limited podcast series recorded and produced by growing families, sam Everingham and Kerry Duncan.

Speaker 2: 0:22

Welcome to our podcast today. We are really delighted to have Remi with us. Remi is going to help us to understand a bit about his journey and what it's like. Remi is a teenager, what it's like to tell your story to others. Some tips, hopefully, for some intending parents and some parents about how to make a journey easier and to help someone navigate. Sam is with me, of course, Sam Everingham and Sam's going to start off with some questions for Remi. Over to you. Sam Hi, Remi, Nice to see you.

Speaker 3: 0:51

I've known you for God since you're about two years old, I think. Yeah, so you were born via surrogacy in the USA. Tell us a bit about where and when you were born and where you live now.

Speaker 4: 1:05

So I was born in Ohio and then we stayed there for a couple of months and now we went straight back to Australia and I've been living in Melbourne ever since.

Speaker 3: 1:15

Yeah, how old are you now?

Speaker 4: 1:17

I am 16, about a two and 17 in five days.

Speaker 3: 1:21

Yeah, wow. And what about your parents? What's your egg donor? Something like that will work.

Speaker 4: 1:28

So I've got my dad, steve, and my other dad, james, who passed away when I was about five. And then I've also got my surrogate mum I just call her my mum Stacy who still lives in Ohio. Oh, and I've got my egg donor, marie, who lives in France.

Speaker 3: 1:46

In France. Wow, that's a really global story. Yeah, growing to that, and you were able to be in touch with those women if you wanted to.

Speaker 4: 1:56

Yeah, 100%. My dad's always encouraged us. We have them on Facebook and we keep in touch with them, especially for birthdays, christmas, but also just talking throughout the Facebook, and my dad's always really encouraged that.

Speaker 3: 2:10

So yeah, yeah, that's great. But how come your egg donors in France? How did that happen?

Speaker 4: 2:15

I'm not sure. I think my dad was just looking. They were looking just for the perfect or the right match and she just happened to live all the way in France.

Speaker 3: 2:26

Yeah, yeah. Do you remember when you started understanding how old you were, when you started understanding how you were born?

Speaker 4: 2:32

I can't remember exactly, but I remember it being pretty early on we going to visit it, my mom's safety in America, probably when I was about six, five or six. Yeah, I think that's probably when it really clicked, but it's always been really open. I feel like, yeah, from a very young age I've kind of understood it, yeah.

Speaker 3: 2:52

Yeah, and a lot of sort of gay guys who are looking to be having kids they worry about. Oh, what will the kids think about not having a mom? Like, is that something that was a concern for you growing up, having two dads or one dad?

Speaker 4: 3:06

To be completely honest, I've never really felt like I've needed to have a mom.

Speaker 3: 3:10

Yeah.

Speaker 4: 3:10

And, like I know I do have one and I can talk to her or message her whenever I want. But I've always felt, you know, I get enough love from my dad and also our family friends and my friends and their moms never really felt like I've needed a mom.

Speaker 3: 3:28

Yeah, so you've got sort of females around you who were like mom, your friends and stuff like that.

Speaker 4: 3:32

Definitely yeah.

Speaker 3: 3:34

What about people at school? Did you have to say to them, or explain to them how come you had dads and not a mom when you were young?

Speaker 4: 3:41

Yeah, yeah, definitely. I think, especially when I was younger, it probably wasn't something that many kids have been taught about. Now it's a bit different. In high school Everyone kind of like knows more about it and it's a long life open to it but telling people about it I've never really had any backlash or bad experiences. Everyone's always just been really intrigued and interested and wants to know more about you. Know how I was born.

Speaker 3: 4:05

Yeah, that's really nice. It's good to hear you like, because it's actually changed a lot over the years. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:10

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 4:12

In some countries, like where you were born and the USA, surrogates are paid, and in others, like Australia, they're not allowed to earn money. Yeah, so should be paid or not?

Speaker 4: 4:25

I think they should be paid somewhat for. Obviously, you know, taking on a pregnancy is a very big hurdle. It's nine months that are very difficult and hard. I think they should definitely be compensated for the work that goes into it, but I think it shouldn't be used as just like a money grab. The surrogates should still feel a connection to the child being born and, yeah, they shouldn't just be looking at the price tag on it.

Speaker 3: 4:56

Yeah, yeah that's good advice. A lot of people ask me oh, what age do we start to talk to our kids about how they were born? Yeah, what kind of age do you think parents should start to tell their kids?

Speaker 4: 5:08

I just think from day one. Obviously a two-year-old child is not going to understand when you tell them. I think definitely in primary school it's a big thing when you start having like the Mother's Day stalls. I think that's one thing that's really stood out to me. On the Mother's Day stalls you always kind of like that's when you kind of start thinking about it and question it. I think as a parent you really just need to. When your kid starts to be around more kids that just have like the mom and dad, that's when you really got to start just being open about their story and how they were born and how they got there.

Speaker 3: 5:40

Yeah, yeah, no, that's good.

Speaker 2: 5:42

Remy, if you've got any advice for, say for the mother, say I've got a little boy and he's not a single mom, so he doesn't have a dad in his life. And so he might, Father's Day and things are a bit, a little bit confronting this. I bit awkward with my brother, who's his uncle, that he can write on happy Father's Day or happy Mother's Day too. Is there anything, any advice you've got there that would make it a bit easy for parents or even for the child for those situations?

Speaker 4: 6:07

I think definitely what I've done is, on like days like Mother's Day, I have my mom that I can message and talk to, but also I celebrate it with other role models in my life, the women life, my grandma, even just like my friends' moms, just saying I see them quite a bit, just saying like happy Mother's Day and even just celebrating with my dad as well.

Speaker 4: 6:31

I think it's kind of just like I just think of it as Mother's and Father's Day is just kind of just celebrating just all your family members and the people in your life.

Speaker 3: 6:41

Yeah, I remember when my girls, ruby and Zoe, were young, their granny would come along to Mother's Day At school. Sometimes my mom and sometimes Phil would go, because he's a bit of a girl anyway, so yeah, he'd go too. Yeah, and now that we bother, we care about it now. But when they were young, you're right, I think they felt a bit left out. There wasn't someone there.

Speaker 4: 7:03

Yeah, yeah, definitely I think. Also. I have memories of the Mother's Day stalls. We used to buy gifts and send them over as well.

Speaker 1: 7:13

So that was nice as well.

Speaker 4: 7:16

If you have the option to do that, I think that's really nice, so you'd send them a gift from Mother's Day. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 3: 7:22

And I assume your sorrow in the USA has got kids of her own, does she?

Speaker 4: 7:27

She does. Yeah, she's got. I think they're all grown up now. Yeah, she has a whole family over there.

Speaker 3: 7:33

Yeah, and did you meet them?

Speaker 4: 7:35

I have. We met them when we went over. I think we've gone to America twice now. One was when I was, I think, about five years old. One was maybe when I was about eight, a bit older.

Speaker 3: 7:45

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4: 7:46

And yeah, we've met them all, stayed there, seen them yeah.

Speaker 3: 7:50

Yeah, no, that's nice. I mean, I know some kids the donor they have is anonymous so they never sort of get to meet up. Was it important for you to be able to sort of, unless you pictures of your diner and meet your, do you ever meet your donor?

Speaker 4: 8:05

I haven't personally met my donor.

Speaker 3: 8:06

Right.

Speaker 4: 8:07

I was in school when we went. Dad had to come back for work, so I came back to school with him. But India met Marie Never meeting her, to be honest, I feel like it hasn't really affected me that much just because I also have Stacy, my surrogate, but I feel like knowing who she is it probably has helped me a little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:29

Remi, I was going to say so. You're partly French, is that right, You're?

Speaker 4: 8:31

a donor of French. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:34

You're partly, do you sort of feel a connection to the culture of France? You haven't been there yet, but do you think one? Day you want to explore that a little bit.

Speaker 4: 8:41

Yeah, yeah, 100%. To be honest, I don't feel like too much of a drive to try to find a connection to the culture. I just do think it kind of makes my story a bit more interesting. It's kind of cool to be able to go around and say I'm half French. But that's great yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:58

And what about? So? Have you got any siblings, biological siblings? You've got India. You've got your sister. Of course, some India, isn't it India?

Speaker 4: 9:05

India, my sister, she. We both have the same surrogate and donor mum, but different dads. So Steve and India's James. And then I've got my older brother, who is I'm not actually related to, but obviously I call him my brother. He is James's. James is the dad and his mum is a different woman.

Speaker 3: 9:29

Yeah, that was the co-pairing thing, wasn't it?

Speaker 4: 9:32

Yeah, he stayed with his mum some of the time and stayed with us some of the time.

Speaker 3: 9:37

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah nice.

Speaker 2: 9:39

Any advice for parents who are relatively new. They've got a small child and they're sort of navigating how to talk to their kids about all this and I imagine there's still some awkward moments. I mean, you're certainly sitting there so you've been through all of this but just any genuine advice or anything you want to share would be great.

Speaker 4: 9:57

Yeah. So I think obviously I already said this number one thing is definitely just being open about it from day one and just really encouraging yourself and your kid to be open and explore their upbringing and how they were born. I think one thing that's also really helped me and would be really beneficial for all kids that are born through surrogacy is the school that you go to. I've gone to really, I would probably say, progressive schools that are really open to this old diversity and individuality, and so all the teachers and all the students there and parents haven't been nothing but open and supportive, so I think that's definitely helped a lot as well.

Speaker 3: 10:33

Yeah, yeah, because the only thing is having gay dads. I suppose some communities might find that a bit weird having gay dads but your school's been really good about that.

Speaker 4: 10:42

Yeah, definitely, yeah, yeah, and, like both my primary school and my high school now, are very big on pride, and so it's not just easy for me to be open about being a surrogate child, but also that you're having gay dads as well.

Speaker 2: 10:57

And Remy, here's a tough one for you when you're older you have your own family. What do you think from your upbringing that's really important about making a family cohesive and a good family. What do you think?

Speaker 4: 11:08

This is a tough one, I think, as a family. Getting into the community and really exploring the culture that you're part of for example, because I have a gay dad, I think going to all the pride festivals and things like that definitely helps Kind of brings you together as a family, but also with other families as well that are very similar to you, and, I think, just being open about everything.

Speaker 3: 11:37

That's what's really. You know, some other kids who are born by surrogacy.

Speaker 4: 11:41

Is that?

Speaker 3: 11:41

helpful for you knowing other kids who are born same way.

Speaker 4: 11:45

Yeah, I think. Yeah, it definitely was. I never felt like I really needed to know other people that were born by surrogacy, but it definitely doesn't hurt. I think it's just kind of cool to know that there's lots of people like that out there. So, yeah, you're so good.

Speaker 2: 12:01

That's great. Well, you sound very well balanced and you sound like a great person. What do you think you want to do in the future? Any idea, Remy?

Speaker 4: 12:09

Yeah, I really want to get into science and biology, hopefully. So, I'm aiming towards that now.

Speaker 3: 12:16

Come on Remy. Well, that's great, yeah, great, all right, that's good. It's nice to see you. It's good to say hi to your dad for me.

Speaker 4: 12:23

I will, I will.

Speaker 3: 12:25

And to India.

Speaker 4: 12:27

Nice to meet you.

Speaker 2: 12:28

Yeah, great to meet you.

Speaker 4: 12:29

Thanks very much for your time Take care, goodbye.

Speaker 1: 12:35

We hope you enjoyed this episode. For further information, please head to the Growing Families website, wwwgrowingfamiliesorg.