Caregiving 101 - Everything You Need to Know About Being A Caregiver
Nov 16, 2023Episode 22
Sherri Lund & Melanie Hands
In episode 22 of the Probate Podcast, we are joined by the amazing Melanie Hands. Melanie is a Registered Nurse, Certified Probate Expert, and real estate agent who founded a probate concierge service called The Probate Nurse. This episode is one part of her 2-part special and will focus on professional tips for caregivers that include grief management, understanding duties and responsibilities, and leveraging the services available through hospice and palliative care facilities. Additionally, you'll learn tips for recognizing and recovering from burnout and being prepared for life's transitions.
7 Caregiving Tips You’ll Learn In This Episode:
Navigating Job Changes: Discover insights on transitioning out of and then back into work if you step away to become a full-time caregiver.
Supporting Elderly Parents: Find practical tips for caring for aging parents, especially if you're the primary caregiver.
Hospice Assistance: Learn how hospice can be a valuable support for caregivers like yourself.
Balancing Different Care: Manage caregiving responsibilities effectively, whether for palliative or hospice care.
Time Management: Hear simple advice to for time management while juggling caregiving duties.
Preventing Burnout: Understand how to recognize and manage stress so you can prevent burnout in your caregiving role.
End-of-Life Planning: Learn the benefits of organizing affairs with relatives facing terminal conditions.
Disclosure: The information shared on The Probate Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute legal or financial advice. We strongly recommend consulting with a professional for advice specific to your situation. If you need help finding a professional, feel free to reach out to us at www.willowwoodsolutions.com/contact.
Please consider kindly rating this show so others can find it!
In episode 22 of the Probate Podcast, we are joined by the amazing Melanie Hands. Melanie is a Registered Nurse, Certified Probate Expert, and real estate agent who founded a probate concierge service called The Probate Nurse. This episode is one part of her 2-part special and will focus on professional tips for caregivers that include grief management, understanding duties and responsibilities, and leveraging the services available through hospice and palliative care facilities. Additionally, you'll learn tips for recognizing and recovering from burnout and being prepared for life's transitions.
7 Caregiving Tips You’ll Learn In This Episode:
Navigating Job Changes: Discover insights on transitioning out of and then back into work if you step away to become a full-time caregiver.
Supporting Elderly Parents: Find practical tips for caring for aging parents, especially if you're the primary caregiver.
Hospice Assistance: Learn how hospice can be a valuable support for caregivers like yourself.
Balancing Different Care: Manage caregiving responsibilities effectively, whether for palliative or hospice care.
Time Management: Hear simple advice to for time management while juggling caregiving duties.
Preventing Burnout: Understand how to recognize and manage stress so you can prevent burnout in your caregiving role.
End-of-Life Planning: Learn the benefits of organizing affairs with relatives facing terminal conditions.
Disclosure: The information shared on The Probate Podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute legal or financial advice. We strongly recommend consulting with a professional for advice specific to your situation. If you need help finding a professional, feel free to reach out to us at www.willowwoodsolutions.com/contact.
Please consider kindly rating this show so others can find it!
Hi there. Welcome to the probate podcast. My name is Sherri Lund and I'm so glad you're here. My guest is Melanie hands. She's a registered nurse and she's been on a caregiver journey. So today we're going to talk about how that has played out in her life. And if you're currently a caregiver if you're in the throes of it, and you're wondering, is there anybody else? Am I the only one? I want you to know that you're not. And I want you to know, We are here for you. We know others who are here for you. And that's why this podcast is really here for obviously people that are in probate. But it's beyond that now. We also talk about seniors in transition. We talk about senior living. We talk about Medicare, all sorts of things. So, I'm glad that you're here. You're going to want to have a pen and paper because we're going to talk about some things that are important, especially if you are a caregiver, you're going to want to take some notes. Thank you. about some things that Melanie has to say. And This podcast is sponsored by Willow Wood Solutions in the Houston, Texas area. Willow Wood Solutions is here to help families in transition and through the probate process. We're gonna have a two-part series actually, Because of Melanie's experience as a caregiver and as a registered nurse and helping people through probate. So Melanie is qualified as a professional, and you need to know that. We're also gonna talk about how she's prepared to help families through the caregiving process because of her experiences there. She's originally from Detroit. She's a registered nurse and a realtor, a real estate investor, a senior real estate specialist and a certified probate specialist. That's where she and I met. She was a registered nurse for over 30 years, and she worked in the cardiac and OR departments as a nurse, and she was a clinical nurse consultant. Melanie went into pharmaceutical sales after that, and these roles prepared her to handle tough situations. She moved to Florida in 2017 to care for her aging parents. she has experience and understands the stresses of being a caregiver and someone who's lost a loved one. As a daughter who recently lost both of her parents and a brother, she knows the pain and confusion and the chaos that often ensues after such a profound loss. She's the founder of the Probate Nurse, and she's, that's an all inclusive probate, estate, and senior transition concierge service. That's a mouthful. Her company assists families that are navigating the complex senior care community in Florida. She created this business to provide a continuum of care to families who need empathy, knowledge, and guidance as they take their first steps into closing an estate. Melanie says as an RN, Certified Probate Expert, and Senior Real Estate Specialist, my passion remains the same in life and in death, providing a continuum of care for assistance for families in need when they're most vulnerable, needing guidance in transition after loss. As I mentioned, she created the probate nurse that's part of a national network that provides the necessary referral partners to assist with closing an estate. Team members posess a passion for assisting families in need. There are over 1, 200 of us, and I am one of these, who can assist our clients. So if we have someone, she's in Florida, I'm in Texas, but if we're aware of a need of someone in Arizona or California, we are in a network with people that can help people there as well. Melanie, I am so glad that you're here. You're going to hear me say that a lot. You've already heard me say that But prior to this conversation, but, but, yeah, you have been through a lot and you have the heart to help people like your experiences and your pain are gonna be turned into good because of what you were doing with that to help others in that similar situation. There's nothing like a person who has been climbing and going through a tough time who turns around and lends a hand to those behind them. And I just, I am inspired by that. I'm motivated by that. It really touches me and I know that the people that you work with, and we'll be working with will benefit because of what you have been through and what you have to offer them. I appreciate what you do. Before we get into all of that let's talk about who you are as a person. If you and I were hanging out, let's pick a beach in Florida. Those are so much nicer than the beaches for Texas. Yeah, we were just strolling along and I said, Melanie, who are you as a person? What would you say? First of all, thank you so very much for allowing me to be here today. It's an honor and it's really great to sit and speak with someone who does the same type of work. So thank you, Sherri, what a great opportunity and I really appreciate it. I'm Coming from Tampa I'm in the Tampa area and I love it here. I decided to remain here after I lost my family members because I built a community here and I love it. So getting to know me is. It's pretty simple. I'm very open minded, very creative, love to go down to the beaches, take a walk. We have our favorite watering holes we love to attend. But I'm really into live music, love to see bands and dance and have a great time, but I also love to cook. And I'm really about making incredible food that's very ethnic from different places of the world. And I love to cook and used to cook a lot for my dad. And we used to do Wednesdays with dad dinners and things like that. It's always special to be in the kitchen. And I love it, but Tampa is so full of so many wonderful things. And we're getting out and exploring now that we have time to do that. So photography, dancing and music. Really. How fun. Yeah, it sounds such a fun and lively thing to do really life giving, right? That's neat. I love it. It brings you back to life. That's right. It does. That's right. Yeah. And after you've been a caregiver for a while, you have to start to think about what do I enjoy and. What do I want to spend my time on? So before we get into all of that can you tell us about what you did as a nurse and what your responsibilities were and just how that lays the foundation for our conversation? Sure. Yeah, this has been quite the journey. So, I've been a nurse for 30 years. And I started it in the Detroit area at the Detroit Medical Center and I always knew that I was going to work in the operating room and I had goals of doing open heart surgery and neurosurgery and that was the goal. So that's what I did. So I got my degree and I went downtown and I chose Harper. And Harbor Hospital in the Detroit Medical Center because it was attached to Wayne State University. And so we had physicians from all over the world and we're so far, advanced compared to community hospitals and things like that. So I just really fell in love with the idea of being downtown and doing large laborious cases of vascular and open heart. And what an education. What an absolute education. So being organized, having lists of things to do was probably just the first part of laying the foundation for what I'm doing now, but it sure gave me the ability to be compassionate, empathetic care for patients and really look at the, my patient or my client as a whole. As a whole human being, not just, Hey, here's your medication or Hey, Bob, you have some diagnostic tests and exams we have to get you ready for, but really, listen to people and learning what makes them tick and you learn so much more about people and their illnesses when you just take a couple of minutes. So for me, it was always about really learning a lot about my clients. And that has definitely laid a great foundation for what we're doing today in the care that we provide as well as our real estate. So you did that for a long time. And then yeah, so then what prompted talk a little bit about what prompted your move to Tampa? Yeah so, I did nursing for quite a while and then I did real estate about maybe 5 years after I got out of, pharmaceutical sales. So it was kind of a neat progression, nursing to pharmaceutical sales to doing real estate. And then what prompted me to come here was the fact that I had a mom who had dementia and she was like stage one, two. So she was doing really well. And they left in the early two thousands after they turned 65 and retired. We spent many, many vacations here with them and it just got to be toward that, 15 year mark that we noticed that mom was really having some difficulty with her memory, it just got really bad and my father just really needed help. So I went back and forth for a couple of years until it just got to the point where I knew I needed. to be here. And that really prompted my move here. And my brother was already here, my younger brother. I did, I moved down and I moved in with my brother and we would, just go up and take care of our parents as much as we could until it got to the point where we had to all move in together. So you you had already given up your career at that point then um, before you moved to Tampa. I did. So at that point, rehabbing homes, I was a landlord, so I basically sold my rental homes. I literally was doing a rehab and flip literally out the door. My, my bags were packed, everything was ready to go and I had to go finish that one last home and get that closed before I left and I came down with... you know, I didn't have any job lined up. I just knew that, my goal was to just take care of my parents and my mom. No further notice and, and live off that money and figure out a game plan, once I got here. So that's how I ended up here. And then my older brother followed, my older brother did follow with his son about six months later. And that was in, I came down in July of 17. So you gave up your lifestyle. You gave up everything that was familiar to you to come down and to take care of your parents. That's a big. That was a big move. talk a little bit about what it was like to be a caregiver. And I would do it a thousand times over. I would be able to come back down. Caregiving isn't just emotional, it's physical. And it can be exhausting, but I think With my mom being the way she was, she needed light care at first. And as obviously as they progress, it becomes more but taking my role back from being, an independent business owner, a landlord and someone who was out rehabbing and flipping homes, it was quite the change and it does become isolating just so that everyone's aware of that, and here I am in a new town and, you know, I hadn't really gone out and seen a huge amount of things. I've done just a little bit, but here I am, doing nursing care and caretaking for my mom and it was tough. I didn't really know that there was resources available because I just just lived out my role of doing what I needed to do. Right. And I had other business going on that was, an offshoot of something else. So it was really busy and I just really didn't consider that there was a lot of help available. So caretaking is hard, it's spiritual, it's emotional, it's physical. And one of the things that people don't really do when they are caretaking is they don't do self care and self love and they don't practice that. And being the nurse that I am. I did the same thing and I didn't take care of myself the way I should have. So caretaking is it's very tough. You do need respite care and help. You need neighbors to help, church members hospices, whatever it is your family is journeying through, there are resources available for you. And I wish I had known. I really wish I had known that. I burned myself out and I won't lie. It was very tough. Very tough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so you mentioned the resources. I remember when I you find yourself in this because I both of my parents, I don't remember if I told you this or not, but both of my, I think I did both of my parents passed away when I was 20 and 31 and and we used hospice and my siblings and I took turns taking care of helping them, in that process. But but you just get neck deep in something and it's like we step into a room of let's call it the caregiver room where before our life took place in these other rooms. Maybe we were a mom or maybe we were business owners or maybe we were nurses or whatever. Like we were busy in our other rooms and all of a sudden this caregiver door opens up and we step into there and we're like, wait a minute, this is unfamiliar. What do I do? What skills do I need in this room? What resources do I have? And if you're drowning, you may not realize that there are resources there. So that's 1 of the things that I, I love about hospice. And I know we're going to talk about hospice in a bit, but when we utilize the hospice, I felt like, okay, these, this is a resource. I didn't call it that. I called it a lifeline because I felt like. They know what they're talking about. This is not unfamiliar to them. And so I could relax a little bit thinking. They know that the transition that we're going through, they've been here before. It's my 1st time, but not theirs. And so that's 1 of the reasons I'm really passionate about doing what I'm doing similar to what you're doing in Florida is because I know what it feels like to feel like you're underwater and you don't even know how to put 1 foot. Like, where is it safe to put the next foot to go forward, you're exhausted. And running out of your own strength. So you can get burnt out. You can, you know, and my father was really stressed out as well. He was watching his wife decline and, you could see him, the emotional aspect of it and what a toll it was taking for him taking that on and really... there's so much more to it cause it's not just you and it's not just the client or your parent. It is, everyone else who's involved in the home as well. So it's really tough. Caretaking is tough and I give my... you know, hats off to anyone who does that at home and does it without help. But yeah, there's so much available. There's so many resources, especially here in Florida. Yeah. And I'll share that information with you guys. Cause it's really good to know. Why we decided to make this our mission. Right. Like yourself. Yes. So there was your mom. But it wasn't just your mom. Correct. Tell us, about the rest of your family. Yeah. So my mom passed away in December of 2020 and she passed it home. That's what we chose to do. And it was long and it was laborious. It was really long. And After that, crazy as it is, my dad and my brother older brother who moved down here to help me were both deemed terminal, like about a week apart in the summer of 22. So our family was just recuperating from the loss of our mom, who, was just the light of our life and and having this happen and so closely together, I literally was blown away. I didn't know what to do. And, I was taking them to all their meetings with their physicians. We're going to different hospices. So my brother and my dad, they were deemed terminal in the summer and within a couple of months, they had to go into hospice and palliative care because they were just getting sicker and sicker. And so I relied on two different hospices. My brother was in the North end of Tampa, so we relied on Gulf Side and my father. We are in the south end of Tampa and we relied on Life Path which is part of Chapters and they were amazing. They were everything that we could have ever asked for. The nurses were incredible. The intake nurse that came, they work from a holistic dynamic as well. And they're looking at. What is going on in this family? Who lives in the home? What care is needed? And they set a beautiful plan of action in place for us. And it was, it enabled me to go out and do what I needed to do, whether it was banking or just get out for a coffee and meet someone or meet one of one of my referral partners which is something I did, building my business as I was dealing with this. So, Yeah, there was incredible strength in saying that I need help. Incredible. And I didn't want to do that, but we did it. And the moment that I did ask for help from both Gulfside and LifePath, my life changed, and it really just became about them helping our family with whatever we needed. There was a lifeline, and they were there 24 7. We always knew that there was going to be someone there if we needed something stat, or emergent. Yeah. It was difficult because my brother's 35 minutes north and again, at separate hospitals. So we're going, you know, and other people can relate to this, I'm not the only one who's been through this, but when you're taking a father to go do immunotherapy or chemotherapy at one hospital, and you're there for four hours, and then you turn around and go to someone else's home, pick them up and take them for abdominal surgery or whatnot. It's.. It's overwhelming, it's isolating, it's frustrating, you don't know what to do. So having them there to just help lay out a little plan of action for our family was everything. They definitely were our lifeline. And I cannot tell you how incredible the staff was. Everyone from the people who answer the phone, front desk, to the people who, I know, do intake, to the people who come to your home. And that includes physical therapists, oxygen therapy, delivery of every product that you could need in your home. They have a game plan. And it was amazing. And it really, you can see the smile. It took a lot of that stress off of me and I could share what I was going through with them. It was wonderful. So were your brother and dad at home when all this was going on or were they in a hospice facility? Sure. So we chose to do uh, my father was on palliative care, had mesothelioma. And so we decided to do his care here at home and he wanted to do immunotherapy. And so we would take him to the hospital for that treatment and then bring him home, so it was outpatient therapy. And then my brother was on hospice home hospice. So I would go up there and his son was living with him. So he was caregiving and I was caregiving and we made sure that he had everything he needed. We would always be there for the nurses that came to visit him. And he had end stage liver disease. So, you know, We had, there's certain things that you have to look for as a nurse, you know, mentation, making sure that their mental acuity is there. That they're speaking and talking, or they can, you know, if they're not, you know they're declining rapidly. So there's just various things, that you have to do to care for people in their home, but I wouldn't change it. I really wouldn't have changed that for anything. I think he got better care at home. I think the nurses that came were wonderful. His son did an amazing job. I was there when I could be there. So I thought it was great. Yeah. Yeah. They're amazing. You know, you relocated down here, but you are a business woman at heart. You're still, you mentioned referral partners and that you were doing things. So, Even though you pivoted and you put your life on hold per se to come down, you left everything that was familiar to you to come down and do this for your parents. Obviously, that was a priority. And then you didn't know about your brother, but, you did that as well... But the part of you that is an entrepreneur was, that's not that didn't die. That was still there. And so you were looking for other things to do. So, My point in bringing that up is that you're juggling a lot. That's what I think about when I think about why I'm doing here. What gets me up in the morning. I'm thinking about people like you in that situation where maybe they're a mom with young kids, or maybe they are a business owner trying to get the big case, or whatever trying to get a promotion or trying to stay married, a lot of marriages are suffering. And while this transition of being alive and helping someone through that transition to their end of life. Your life is still going on. You're still trying to juggle all the things, and it's important things like to get to his therapy is important, to make sure that, he gets his care, to make sure you're paying attention so that hyper diligence almost is necessary. Yes. So that it's so that you don't drop the ball on something important, but that's not to say that these other things are not important also. Sure. So there's just a lot of plates spinning for people at that time, especially the 1 who's trying to juggle it all. There's a lot. But I will tell you the one thing, the two things that were most important during all of that is your Google calendar and my iPad. So I could take that with me and I could work from my dad's treatment room and I would literally be doing zoom calls with people who are in health care or people that had became referral partners for me. So, It was the one thing that kept me sane. Losing one family member over a period of time that is, you know, in their terminal and you know that and there's no way back. And you know that, and that's always at the back of your mind, you know, I just found that there were certain things that were missing. And so I took a, a book with me and a journal and I just started journaling about what I was going through and the things that I felt that were not there or missing or maybe I just didn't know about it. And as my dad would be, on the couch maybe taking an hour nap, I would break out my iPad and I would join on zoom calls with people I didn't even know. And I would just show up with the camera off and just kept showing up. And then, too, the Probate Mastery courses, I would just show up there, have the camera off or have it on and not even talk. It was the thing that kept me sane. And I knew going through that, that was going to be instrumental in turning my life around and my business around... I had taken care of probate people who were going through probate need to sell home, but it was never to this level or this degree... but when you travel through that yourself, you start going, "yeah, there's a lot that's really missing and I have a lot to bring to the table." It's a nurse and it's not just about the house. It's about that person. So that's what I really learned. And I took every hour, every minute that I had. And just took that and took notes and made spreadsheets and met people for coffee and just said, how can I help your business? How can we do this? How can we make it happen? And now it's a year later and we have a whole referral business. So it's awesome. We found the silver lining. We really did through all the grief and the pain, we found it and I'm here to share it. So, what services did you utilize that you could maintain some of your own life? Because there's one thing to care for other people, but you don't have to lay your whole life down in order to help them in that transition. And we think we do because, you know, you're the daughter and that that's the role. Right? Well, and you're a professional nurse. Of course, you would do that, you know, so the thing for me was calling for help. My mom was in her final stages and I had to let it go. And I said, I need some help here. So the helpers, the nurse assistants and nurses would come out, the doctors came and they would help me with washing my mom at that point, helping me with if she needed something to eat, they've been maybe, just help in the house. They would. Sit with my father and just have a conversation with us. They offered up music therapy, just anything to just help us have a little bit of normalcy for a couple of hours and just having somebody come in and talk to you and listen to you and acknowledge your existence because allowing someone to come in and help me wash my mom and change her pants or her gown or whatever we were doing for that day, it just takes so much off of you. And I'm so thankful. So I'm thankful that I did that. And I encourage people to allow that. Don't think that you have to be the one that does all that work yourself because you are going to crash and burn. And you will. Yeah, I think that there's something about, and you alluded to this, I think there's something about being in this struggle and having other people meet you there, they didn't judge you, they didn't judge your mom, they met you there and you could be open, you were totally honest with that this is where I am, this is my life, it's not all of my life, but it's my life right now, and to be seen and valued in that position is so affirming. And it adds honor and value to what you have chosen to do. So that's another reason why I think it's really important for people to get the help because then you're allowing people to witness what you are experiencing. And I think that's such a good thing for your psyche and for your emotional health. It is when people are going through hospice and whatnot, they just think, Hey, the nurses are all going to come in, they're going to take care of it. They're there for half an hour, 45 minutes, and then you've got 23 other hours in your day. So how do you create balance, you know, work life and, you know, I stopped working at that time when my business was just taking off to, the probate nurse and I stopped and I, again, I would do that a hundred times over. So yeah, I, I just encourage people to use those services, really take advantage of them.. You know, have a pastor come out and speak with your family and, and get clear on the wishes and we did that with my dad because it wasn't very religious, but we had the pastor come out and speak with him and say, you know, Al, you know, what is it that you need? And once we got his answer, we knew how we could help him in his transition. We understood. So these services are put in place to help. And if you're not inside of it, you don't understand it. You really don't, even best friends don't understand. They really don't. They don't get it. They don't have a grid for it. Yeah. They know you're really tough. They don't have a grid for it. But you don't think about it. You just keep going and that's why that break is great. Even if you just go to the mall and you walk around for a minute or you walk to the beach. Take a 10 minute walk. It's not selfish. I've met so many caregivers that are like, I shouldn't be here. They feel guilty that they're not .. They absolutely need to do those things for themselves. It's so a better caregiver when they take care of themselves. Absolutely. I think I will say, my father was just, he was a hundred percent there in his mind and his body was failing him and he wanted so much autonomy, you know, he wanted to do his medications. He would lay them out. He created a graph and he was just absolutely amazing. One of the best patients you could ever have. And the nurses were impressed with them too. So he was just so instrumental in his own care until he started his decline, so I just encourage people take that help. If someone wants to come and give you an hour, take that hour or you will crash and you will burn. And I know about that. So were you guys prepared? And if this is too personal, only answer what you feel like, but were you guys prepared? Like, legally were there wills in place so that probate could be avoided? Or did you? Can you talk a little bit about that? Did you have a conversation about getting a will in place or directives? We sure did. And so, you know, my father's very instrumental in that. And he was so big on pre planning because he loved us enough not to put us through that in our time of sorrow. So my dad was absolutely amazing. So he did funeral pre planning for their cremation. And that was quite awesome. And then he did their estate planning and we started doing more of that when I started understanding what was really truly going on. So yeah he did everything that he could do to avoid probate. We did not have to go through probate. He, you know, our bank accounts were POD or payable upon death so that we could access his funds to pay bills. So he did all the right things. And and my brother had not done a lot of things to prepare himself for his estate. He was in denial that he was ill, right up to his last breath. So what we did um, found a lovely, lovely probate attorney in St. Pete, who actually was coming out to our home the day that he went to the emergency room and she was coming to the house to sign his documents and get a lady bird deed, which I know you're familiar with. And, bless her heart. She came to the ER and signed that paperwork with him. So that prevented his home from going through probate. And the rest of it. We pretty much everything else went into that as well. She was able to save all of his 401k and, everything from his work, was pretty much. Good. The only thing that, that we missed was one account and that has to go through probate. And that's, that can be painful. So I encourage people to get your estate planning started, get it started, get it done, get that home into a land trust. Whether you're buying a home or, downsizing, whatever it is, get that home in there and then start your personal estate planning. Your power of attorney, medical and financial... get your will in place. It is such a gift because when you're dealing with all the things that a caregiver deals with and then that season ends, but wait a minute, it's not over yet because now you've got to go into this probate drama and uh, yeah. So you mentioned burnout, you use the word burnout a couple of times I think already and we've talked about it before and and you were a poster child for burnout. I understand like you did the, you jumped in full. I did! The whole thing, even though you have a nursing background and, you know, I know some people may be hearing this and saying she's got a nursing background. And there were some things you said a while ago that even with your training, you still didn't take care of yourself completely. Can you talk about burnout and what that was like for you and how you found your way out of it? Yeah. And burnout for myself was taking everything on myself and going between the two hospices and going between two different hospital systems and being the person that was there for the lab draws, being the person that was there when my dad had his surgeries and whatnot and same for my brother... and just not taking that time to eat correctly, grabbing something out the way out the door eating a lot of carbs because you're stressed out. Drinking alcohol to go to sleep and not taking care of yourself. Just literally going days without a shower trying to sleep and not sleeping, trying to get an hour during the day. So just really just not taking care of yourself in the way that you should. Because you're no good to anybody if you are not healthy, right? And so by taking all that on, I literally I was exhausted, but I kept going. And when my brother passed in January, excuse me, December of last year, and then my father passed two months later and I couldn't stop because my dad was terminal at that time. So after my brother passed we couldn't even breathe. I just remember showing up at the crematorium going. I can't even believe this is happening. And here's my father who's terminal looking at his son, right? Nightmare, absolute nightmare. And my poor father and I thought, man, this guy, I don't even know how he's doing this. But turning around and remaining strong for him and not breaking down and not having any kind of crying session, at least not in front of anybody... running, running, running to make sure that he's okay, that his therapy is going well, that he's walking, that he's eating, you know, doing three meals a day and all the shopping, the cooking, cleaning all the house.. and, trying to Keep all that in line so that he's well taken care of.. You do crash and burn and it was about six months after my brother passed that I really literally hit the wall. And when I say hit the wall, I didn't know what to do because everything had stopped. The estate planning stuff, my brother was done. You know, All the banking stuff was done and I'm in front of my computer going, what do I do? What the hell do I do? I didn't know what to do. And I was so overtaken by anxiety I didn't know what to do and it just got progressively worse and I didn't realize it was depression. I had no idea. I thought I was just having anxiety from all the stress we've been through. And I really did hit the wall and I had to seek professional help. And that's another thing that I really want to make clear with people that it's okay to ask. And for me to ask for that kind of help was really hard. It was very hard. But when you're grieving and you're not able to grieve in the way that you really want to and your life changes because you're going from this caregiver for years until all of a sudden... now, what do I do? Do I go back to nursing? Do I do real estate? What do I do? And a lot of people go through that same feeling too, because when it stops. You're now like, what I've got time. What do I do? And I hit the wall. I literally slid down the wall and I couldn't get out of bed. And I remember being in bed for days, just crying, numb, didn't know what to do. And I called my physician and I called one of my good friends, who's a nurse. And she said, I'm taking you to the hospital. I'm taking you to the hospital. to the hospital. And so that's what we did. And I was able to speak with people who were able to care for me very quickly and get me on some good therapy, grief counseling, trauma counseling and some medication. And I'm telling you, I'm back and I'm better than I ever was and focused and clear. And I highly recommend that for anyone who doesn't know what to do. And they're feeling those pains and the anger and the resentment and everything. And you literally, you'll know when you hit the wall because you can't move, you're basically paralyzed. Which is not uncommon after the loss of one person, but two and three was way too much for me and my psyche to handle. So, Crashing and burning is not good. I don't recommend it. I recommend getting the help that you need, getting grief counseling immediately. I waited six months and I don't know why I did that. So I highly recommend that. One thing I will say here about LifePath Hospice, they're amazing. They offer grief counseling for families in the Hillsborough County for up to one year after your family member passes away. And you don't have to be someone who's actually gone through LifePath. It is a community. Oh, wow. And they do all kinds of grief counseling, whether it's, in person or a group, or if you can't leave your home, if you're shut in, they can help you over a zoom call. And in fact, I had grief counseling this morning. It's amazing. That's great. It is amazing. That's those services are there for you. And I encourage people to reach out for the help. There's nothing wrong with it. We're human beings, you know, all of us. And it's okay. It's okay to be sad. And it's okay to say, Hey man, I'm not doing good right now. And I really could use some help. And for me as a business owner, a nurse to ask was, I almost felt ashamed, no, man, you really need the help. And so I did it. And I'm so glad I did. Because I probably wouldn't be in a good place right now. I don't think my business would be flourishing. My friends probably wouldn't still be around, because it doesn't affect just you. It affects everyone around you, including your work. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That depression can be like a black hole and it's just never horrible. That is fine. Yeah. It is horrible, but um, that help is there. And there's so many resources, especially for seniors, you know, people who've lost their spouses children who've lost their parent. You have to think about them, they're maybe seven or eight years old, and they just lost their dad. The dad was everything. So they've got all kinds of community programs and camps for children. And I encourage that. Yes, for sure. One of the things that struck me in our conversation a couple of weeks ago was it's not fake positivity. It's you have been to hell and back and you have chosen to do things that bring you joy and bring you life. And so there is such hope in your story, that you can share with others. And so, while I am very sorry that you went through all that for so long and how traumatic it must have been to hold it together after the loss of your brother, and then to turn around and be there for your dad. That's just heart wrenching. It was gut wrenching and, to see my father like that. And one of the things he said to me before he passed is, Mel, I really didn't want to do the immunotherapy, but I did it so that I wouldn't pass the same week of the same month as Craig. And other families go through this, and yeah, so I thank you so much for that. But the silver lining is that I have turned what was so horrific for myself and my, my brother, my existing brother, Jason, is that we're able to turn this round and consult with people and talk to people about ways that they can handle from their grief to their home to clean out. I mean, Everything, all those services are there and having the strength within you. I don't know where it came from, except for the man above. If I didn't have this going on, I'm telling you, I wouldn't be here right now. So I'm thankful for that. Yes, so that's a good, good transition there. So how can people find out about those and how can they reach you Melanie? Yeah, sure. So, I'm at info@theprobatenurse.com that is my email. You can find me on Facebook, LinkedIn. I'm on TikTok, I'm on Instagram, Pinterest, all those, all the socials. My website is a great way, if you want to fill out a contact form, I'm at theprobatenurse.com, you can call me, you can email me. But I prefer to be to have an email honestly, at this point. So that I have a hard copy of anything that anyone needs. So info@theprobatenurse.Com or my website would be the best way. Okay, so that wraps up the show today with Melanie Hands and the probate nurse. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope that you got a lot out of today's episode. Again, this is a part two episode. The first half we're talking about Melanie and her experiences as a caregiver as she took care of her brother and her dad and her mom. And then the second half is we're talking about her as the Probate Nurse and how she has taken her experiences with her family and she's created this business now to help people through the transition of caregiving and into estate,, settling an a state. So, I hope that you're able to join us for both episodes. Thank you so much for coming to the Probate Podcast. Come back next time and see what we've got to talk about then. Take care.