Love Is in the Air and on Muni

You never know where you will find love, or where love will find you. It could happen anywhere, including on public transit.

In this episode, we talk with two couples who found each other thanks, at least in part, to Muni. SFMTA Acting Chief Safety Officer Oliver Gajda and his partner Damara Arsanis first encountered each other on the 21 Hayes about nine years ago before connecting on a dating app in 2022. Mary Rickles Conley and Jared Conley met on the N Judah in 2012. They tell us their stories in honor of Valentine’s Day.

Transcript

MELISSA CULROSS, HOST: Valentine’s Day is upon us, and we are thinking about love. To be specific, we’re thinking about finding love in a place that is near and dear to our hearts.

MARY CONLEY: That day on Muni, like, I think we were just supposed to meet. 

MELISSA: Welcome to Taken with Transportation, the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency’s official podcast. I’m your host, Melissa Culross. There is a lot of love to be found in San Francisco, as we hear from people enjoying a warm February afternoon in Dolores Park.

DOLORES PERSON-1: This is absolutely a magical place. I moved here four months ago, and I convinced my fiancée to come here with me. We moved thousands of miles from here, not knowing what the future would hold. But it’s here. It’s beautiful. It’s shining. And it’s romantic.

DOLORES PERSON-2: People can still meet here organically. You just have to not be scared of rejection. There’s big glimmers here of magic, I think.

DOLORES PERSON-3: San Francisco is a very romantic city because of the community. Everyone is always, like, you know. They’re always in a good mood.

MELISSA: In the spirit of magic and romance, we’re joined in this episode by two couples who met, at least in part, thanks to our beloved public transit system, Muni. We’ve caught up with the first couple in the Outer Sunset near Ocean Beach.

MARY RICKLES CONLEY: Hello, my name is Mary Rickles Conley.

JARED CONLEY: Jared Conley. You want us to get closer?

MELISSA: Mary and Jared met on Halloween 2012, the day of the Giants World Series victory parade. Their love story began on the N Judah as the city celebrated.

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT: N Judah to Ocean Beach.

MARY: I was standing next to this guy who I remember was very high on Giants energy. He was a huge, or he is a huge Giants fan. And so, he was just very energetic and excited. But he was wearing a really nice suit because he had been at work earlier. And I thought to myself, like. “What a strange person.” Like, I just couldn’t figure him out. That he was dressed impeccably but had clearly been at the parade. And I, his sleeves were rolled up, so I could see, you know, he had tattoos all over his arm. And I was just trying to figure him out a little bit. Um, and, um, then at the next stop, um, a couple hundred people got on the train, and we went from standing near each other to practically hugging. We were so close. I was, my back was against the wall of the train, and there was someone standing directly behind him. And so, neither one of us could back up at all. So, we were literally inches apart and kind of joke now to our friends that even on our first, first meeting we were already hugging. So, when you’re that close to someone on a train that is that hot and that crowded, you have to talk to one another ‘cause it’s just so awkward. And so, we started chatting.

MELISSA: Now, that train turned around at 19th Avenue, so Mary decided to walk the rest of the way home. She noticed that Jared was walking behind her, so they kept talking as they strolled.

MARY: He ended up asking if I’d like to go out for a drink later. And so, I said, “Yes.” And that was the beginning of our relationship.

MELISSA: As their relationship progressed, October 31 continued to be a pretty significant day for the couple.

MARY: That was 2012 when we met. Jared proposed to me on Halloween of 2013 when we were in Brooklyn visiting his sister. And then when we got back to San Francisco and started planning our wedding, we really wanted to get married at Stern Grove. We both were west side residents and loved that place and wanted to get married there. And so, we called the Parks Department, and the only date they had available for about the next year and a half was Halloween of 2014. So, we actually got married on Halloween of 2014. And ironically, the Giants won the World Series that year, and the parade was on our wedding day.

MELISSA: And honestly, Mary is not that surprised that they met on the N.

MARY: We both were regular Muni riders. He took Muni every day to go to his job. I worked from home at the time but preferred to use it any time I was going downtown. And so, you know, I think it was part luck or fate. Sometimes we say that our ancestors, kind of, threw us together on that train.

MELISSA: Jared, meanwhile, is a little bit more philosophical as he thinks about the day they met.

JARED: My team just won the World Series. And I remember being at work, and I was gonna leave. And a friend of mine, Corey, said, “Hey, why don’t you come over to the bar, and we’ll have a drink.” And little things like this kind of set the motion. If I don’t go over there and have that drink, I wouldn’t have been able to meet her. So, little things like you, um, the movie “Sliding Doors” with Gwenyth Paltrow where you see, like, two different alternative lives. It’s like, there’s a life that’s with her and a life I can’t imagine without her. And it wouldn’t have happened had we not met on Muni. It’s just fantastic to think about the little things that all led up to that moment, including the Giants winning the World Series, and all, all the things that kinda fell together into place like little tumblers of time that connected me to this beautiful, lovely soul.

MELISSA: Of course, Mary and Jared will always remember where their relationship began…but it also lives on with their son.

JARED: Jackson Judah. We named him after the Judah train we met on. It just had a ring to it. And then that will forever be with him that we met on a train. That’s he’s here because we met on that train, and if we didn’t, he wouldn’t be here.

MELISSA: They’re more than a decade into a successful marriage, so we ask the Conleys if they have any words of wisdom for single people.

MARY: To anyone who’s looking to meet someone, whether it’s a friend or someone to potentially date, I would just encourage them to keep their mind open. Places like the Muni are actually really fun ways to meet someone because often or likely those people live in your neighborhood. They might be your neighbors. I think it’s funny that Jared and I lived in the same neighborhood for a decade before we actually ever met each other. Maybe we were too busy at the time, or we were distracted, or we were with other people. But, you know, that, that day on Muni, like, I think we were just supposed to meet. And I think we were next to each other for a reason.

JARED: Yeah.

MARY: And, you know, you should always keep your eyes out and your heart open to, like, making a new friend or meeting a new person wherever you are.

JARED: Get out of your comfort zone. Um, I remember going to places like bars and clubs, and those are, like, the worst places to meet people because you can’t hear anything. There’s too much alcohol involved. I would say go to places like museums, bookstores. And maybe strike up a conversation with somebody on a public transportation place like a Muni bus. And you never know. You never know.

MELISSA: Finally, we ask them what Muni means to them beyond their relationship and what they think it means to San Francisco, overall.

JARED: It’s extremely important for young folks to get to school, for people to get to work. Uh, it was a lifeline for me for transit for years just to get to work. And I don’t think I could have functioned without it. 

MARY: I definitely think Muni is a very critical piece of infrastructure for the city. It helps people get where they need to go, you know, in a cost effective way. You know, I used to love to ride it because it gave me a chance to read or just relax and not worry about being stuck in traffic. I just didn’t know back then that it would also be the reason or the way that I met my future partner for the rest of my life.

MELISSA: The second couple in this episode includes a member of our agency family.

OLIVER GAJDA, SFMTA ACTING CHIEF SAFETY OFFICER: Hello, I’m Oliver Gajda, the acting chief safety officer for SFMTA.

DAMARA: And I’m Damara Arsanis, his partner.

MELISSA: Muni’s role in Oliver’s and Damara’s meet-cute story is a little less direct, but it’s still meaningful.

BUS ANNOUNCEMENT: Please hold on.

OLIVER: I used to ride the 21 Hayes. And there was a three or four month period of time that I rode it often. Sometimes I’d walk to work or bike to work, take Muni. But during that, that time, sadly, my mom was terminally ill with cancer. And so, I was riding the bus to, kind of, maximize my time and use the phone. I was on the phone either calling the doctors or doing work stuff. And so, I’d be riding the bus. And so, there was a window of time that I’d be riding the bus. And at the time, I was, I was married. It was 2017. I was, you know, my head was in a very different place. And I’d see this beautiful woman get on the bus with her child. And of course, you know, I’m married. I’m thinking about my mother, thinking about my job. I’m on the phone, and the bus would be crowded, the 21. And I would just get up and give up my seat and then just continue on my day. And I didn’t think much of it, you know, at that point. Just like, “Oh, you know, she needs a seat,” and thought that was the right thing to do to give my seat up.

DAMARA: For me, in that moment, as silly as this sounds, it was so crowded, and I remember when I passed him to sit down with my son, I mean, really and truly, I have , like, an electric current, like just felt like it shot up my spine. And I thought, “Who is this person?”

OLIVER: It was just a, a simple act, and she seemed so happy about it.

DAMARA: And of course, I was happy for several reasons. I got a seat, and this man that I had been noticing for months (laughs)…

OLIVER: And I just thought to myself, like, like, “How come no one else is getting up to give the seat up.”

MELISSA: Oliver and Damara also would occasionally see each other on the 22 Fillmore back then, but they never talked.

OLIVER: Fast forward to 2022. You know, COVID’s happened. I’m, you know, divorced, and I don’t know anything about dating. So, like, you know, I’m, I’m a Gen X-er. So, I was like, “How do we, how do I do this?” So, I got on an app. Because I guess that’s what the thing you do. You get on an app. And within a couple of hours, I got my first “like” back was Damara.

DAMARA: I had been divorced for a very long time, for about nine years. Dated a couple of, you know, “those boys.” But was single for a very long time. And then, my mother in 2021 had cancer. And when she realized it was Stage 4, she always wondered why I was single for all of these nine years, almost 10 years. And she told me that if it went in a way that none of us wanted to, that she would send me someone amazing. And I didn’t wanna think about that; it didn’t matter at that moment. And then my mom did pass away. And I spent some months gathering myself, and I decided that I was going to get back online in 2022. And I see this gentleman that liked me, and I’m like, “This is the guy from 2017 that used to ride the 21 and sometimes the 22. It’s gotta be him.” But all the pictures, he had sunglasses on, except for one. And it was a black and white. And I remember one time on the bus, he had his sunglasses off, and he had these beautiful blue eyes. So, when I liked him back, and we had the opportunity to speak or chat, I should say, I said, “This is strange, but about five years ago, did you used to ride the 21 and 22, and do you have blue eyes?” And he said, “Yes, I did, but I’m sorry, I, I don’t, I don’t remember you.”

OLIVER: Five years had gone by. So, I’m, like, wracking my brain. I was like, I don’t remember this, this person at all. 

DAMARA: I said, “I don’t expect you to remember some woman and her little boy from five years ago.” And then he texted back and said, “Wait a minute. Did you pick up the bus at Pierce and Hayes.?” And I said, “Yes.” And he said, “I know exactly who you are.” So, the memory of me on the bus with my small child at that time kind of triggered his memory. And then from there we just took off chatting. We had both lost our mom. We had both been divorced. We had these months of contact. I mean, I remember looking at this man with sunglasses on, sitting directly across from me on the 21. I know exactly where he sat and where I sat. So, from there, we started chatting. And then on his birthday, less than two weeks later, we had a coffee date. And it ended up being an 11-hour date, and I mean, don’t know, the rest is kind of history.

MELISSA: Do you think that you would have continued talking on that app if you hadn’t remembered each other from Muni?
 DAMARA: That’s a really good question. I was always very leery of apps. I never really had any luck with those. So, there was a familiarity because I had seen him for those months on the 21 and the 22. So, I felt like, because we rode the bus, which is very strange because I didn’t always ride those, those lines. But for that period of time, those were the lines that I was riding due to my son and job and all of that. Yeah, I’m not sure. That’s a good question. I’m not sure.

OLIVER: I think there was enough connection with both of us experiencing loss and, you know, the isolation of COVID, the loss of our mothers.

DAMARA: Divorce.

OLIVER: Divorce. But like I said, I didn’t remember at the time. But when she said the, her little son, I was like, “Oh, yeah, there was a cute little boy.” You know, maybe it’s because I work for MTA. Maybe it’s because, you know, just being in the city for so long. It was like those little moments that you have on Muni.

MELISSA: You may know that we combined the 21 Hayes with the 6 Parnassus last year, and the route is now the 6 Hayes-Parnassus. But it will always be special to Oliver and Damara, whatever the number.

OLIVER: The 21 is kind of the…near and dear to our hearts, kind of. It’s kind of bittersweet. It’s almost like it’s preserved in a way now that it’s the 6. I still call it the 21. 

MELISSA: And we ask them, like we did the Conleys, if they have any advice based on their experience.

DAMARA: I think the way that your partner or the person you’re interested in treats not just you but others around you, is a huge sign of what kind of person they are. Because that was one of the things with Oliver, that he always, not just with me but with everyone, he would always try to help them and be kind. You know, I went in with an open heart and an open mind, just to be myself and just to see what happens. Just to take a gamble or a risk and to be vulnerable. And, you know, saying, like, “Did you used to ride the bus? And do you have blue eyes?” I mean, that could be perceived as, you know, a little wacky.

OLIVER: I would say, you know, to be genuine, to be real. To treat others how you would like to be treated. I mean, these are basic things. Asking people how they are and really listening to how they are and, and just being civil. As far as if you put yourself out there and you’re just genuine and real and civil, like, you don’t know what’s gonna happen.

MELISSA: Thank you for joining us on Taken with Transportation. We’re a production of the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency, and you can find the latest episodes at SFMTA.com-slash-Podcast, as well as Apple, Spotify, our YouTube channel or wherever you listen. I’m Melissa Culross. Be well and travel well.