Living Left

Midlife Friends, Full Hearts

• Ann-Marie Burton, Tanya Garcia • Season 1 • Episode 7

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0:00 | 52:16

We explore why friendship changes in midlife, how to spot the gap between what we crave and what we live, and the small habits that rebuild real community. We share stories, frameworks, and simple moves to make new friends, protect time, and deepen trust.

• Community and purpose as pillars of happiness
• Digital touchpoints versus real connection
• Releasing family from meeting every emotional need
• Friends for a reason, season, or lifetime
• Pursuing new friendships with clear follow-ups
• Routines and traditions that keep bonds strong
• Scheduling, not just texting, to close the loop
• Showing up in hard times and not canceling lightly
• Widening circles across ages and backgrounds
• Friendship as personal and professional support

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SPEAKER_00:

This is Live and Left, the raw space where we redefine success, purpose, and identity through honest, unfiltered conversation. We're navigating business, family, change, chaos, one left turn at a time. It's not about finding what's next. It's about owning what's left. Join us and let's go there. Hi, Tanya. Hello, Anne Marie. How are you? I'm I'm I'm I'm great. Like as if I didn't just see you five minutes ago. I'm great.

SPEAKER_01:

Well 30 seconds ago. You didn't see me in this setting. Yes. Well, welcome back to our podcast.

SPEAKER_00:

And we're gonna talk about something. Actually, it's kind of perfect coming from two friends. We want to talk about the topic of midlife friendship. Or friendship in general. Friendship in general, but again, it seems like many of our topics come back to this point in time. And that is something, again, we keep talking about how things shift and change and your needs, your personal needs, and everything shifts. And friendship is an interesting topic.

SPEAKER_03:

It's one we have a lot of, I think. And I have strong, I know I have strong views, and you have strong views. And first of all, I agree. I think we're very lucky to have each other as very great besties as well as business partners. So that's just, I think we have an appreciation for that. But it's midlife because we are in our midlife. And the idea of friendship, I think for many people, is this point where you know it's important, you have friends throughout your years. Um, but in midlife, all of a sudden you realize that there's this even more intense friendship, right, Amory? I think that's what you and I have been talking a lot about is it you appreciate the need to bring women, and we'll talk about the role of men as well, but women in particular, and have those friendships more so now than maybe what you appreciated a few a few years ago.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, and I'd say the intensity actually, it's interesting. I'd say maybe there's more of an intense need for friendships, but I would say I think it's a gap in most people's life. It is. I don't actually think people most people don't, at least that I know, I think, at least I I I don't know. That's a hypothesis. My hypothesis is we crave and need those relationships in a more interesting, deeper level than probably we thought. And the question is, are we meeting that need? Like, do we have friends? I don't know. In some cases, actually, maybe they let's that's the topic. That's the topic.

SPEAKER_03:

That's the topic we're gonna talk about today. And I think we both have strong points of view. So I think we should share kind of our learning and appreciation of friendship over the years, and then start talking about to your point some of those gaps. So to answer the question you just kind of posed, uh, I think it absolutely is a gap. And I think it's not just us, everyone talks about it, and it naturally makes sense. It's such a focus in your early years, but then you find a partner and you know you're raising kids, and your friends naturally kind of come along based on where you are, and and we'll get into that. But I think the bigger point is you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna take it back to to a female point of view, and and also I'm gonna type take it back to the great Jane Fonda. This all started for me where Jane Fonda. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

So there's people who are listening will have seen this on TV. And who sent this link to you to bring it up? I have no idea, but like it showed. I know who did. Yes, of course it was. Yes, I sent you this link. Well, now it's become part of your core value. Absolutely. This is how our life works, Danny. It totally is because I do no research and I just um I I take in whatever people tell me.

SPEAKER_03:

So you sent me the link. That's my that makes sense because you send me everything. Um, and see, I do read your stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

So Jane Fonda, and I'm also saying, yes, and you also have your own ideas that are not coming from other people. I'm just gonna clarify for everyone.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, but but there's true, listen, I'll own it, there's truths because I'll even go before prior to Jane Fonda, there was um, I was at my previous job before this big left turn happened in starting a business with you a decade ago. And what started that is I was in a boardroom and one of my very good friends, and she'll know who it is. Uh I'm not saying names, but she'll know she's listening, um, was giving a talk to the company about happiness. And there was a core element of happiness. Lidies, this is so flipping important. So I don't, and look in my true form, I don't flip and remember what the Venn diagram was of all of the elements, but if you look it up, there's key elements of happiness, right? Health, whatever, blah, blah, blah. But one of the key ones was community. And she said that, um, oh, so the genetics is in it, but community was a core part. And I was like, huh, because I consider myself a very content, happy person. But I don't think I was that happy. Like I was having a bit of an existential crisis as we all do, kind of within our 40s or so, as we're like, what? Who am I? And when she said that, I was like, oh my gosh, I have not really been investing in friendships because life is full. I was working, uh, full time, babies, all of the reasons we don't need to reiterate, we all understand that. I had my friends and I would have a night out here or there, or the friends would be within kind of couple groups, that sort of thing. But I came out of there realizing that I needed to put a lot more effort into my friendship and what friendships, and that was after I actually left my job, started the agency. Like that was a core has been a core focus of me, mine.

SPEAKER_04:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

And I think that should be something everyone should consider. And maybe I'll find the article or ask my girlfriend and share it because it's so important.

SPEAKER_00:

It's also, can I just before you please adding in? Yeah. So also, so um, a friend of mine is uh um a professor at Mac and does a lot of work on longevity and aging, and the way to actually be happy and healthy in life. It's uh recently she sent me something and I was reading it, and it's about purpose and connection. It doesn't actually matter how many steps you take in the day, it matters why you take the steps, it matters that you do something with purpose and connection, and that connection is the same as community. You can interchange those. So just building on it to say it's it's important for the aging population, it's important for new mums, it's important for midlife moms, it's important for dads, it's important for everybody. But I love that that you saw that community is the key to happiness, is the key to happiness.

SPEAKER_03:

And and I know you sent me that article, that sounds familiar, so I'm sure I read that one too. But honestly, that is and and isolation, I think, in the digital age too, and talk about COVID. Like there's so many reasons why I think this is so top of mind. But then, you know, bring in women in their midlife who we've been talking about it on our podcast. All of a sudden we have so much more time, and our kids are leaving, etc. We have been conditioned to believe that. Um, so I'm gonna go like happiness, joy, love, you know, as we go through, it's received by those that are in your proximity, like your kids or your spouse, et cetera. That is how we should be, and the the priority of our love should be coming from those individuals. And what's happening is as we get older, we realize those people don't need us as much anymore. And I can't be fulfilled in that capacity. So that I think answers the question why now there's this tension of, oh gosh, I have more time and have I invested in these friendships. And listen, it's super easy. You just call them up, go for wine, like life will be good. It's not like, oh no, I haven't invested in 50 years, I'm screwed.

SPEAKER_00:

Like it you you have to put some people haven't, some people haven't, though, Tanya. No, some people haven't. And it's not that easy for some who are like scheduling or their friends are not close, or or their best friend lives two hours away, or you know what I mean? Like in theory, it is easy if you've maintained those friendships over time.

SPEAKER_03:

If you have not it takes effort, you're right.

SPEAKER_00:

It's not submitted together. Not everybody has.

SPEAKER_03:

I think you and I have tried to do that, but even then it takes time and effort and prioritization of yourself. Yeah. Which in itself is an issue. So I agree. I think so. Yes, I I agree. I don't want to be flippant about this idea that, oh, like just call, call up your friend, but at the same time, just call your friend. Like if if or call someone or say yes, you know, to go for coffee or a FaceTime. I have a lot of friends that are not in my province, country, etc. You know, hey, do you have a few minutes? Let's FaceTime. But that's that's but so we'll we'll talk about that, I think. Um, but if we get back to Jane Vonda, um, you know, she had a there's two key notions. She had a beautiful notion, and why this is I think is so important for us women, is the question proposed to her, are friendships different for men and women? And she was like, uh absolutely yes, because women and why you need the connection, look at each other, check in, talk. What like if you're having a glass of wine across, you know, a table or you're on a couch, you're looking at each other and asking, How are you doing? How are things going? You're looking each other in the eye. It is a very special bond. And men, you know, they watch things, they'll watch, and there's not that one is differ better than the other. That's not the point of this conversation. It's but they watch things. I am watching sports, I am watching um, I'll just use sports, everyone knows. There's a lot of things you can be watching, but it is a connection that is to the core. If you think, you know, back try like, you know, back in the day where women in villages, like we had each other to raise our kids together and do like it is inherent. So we've lost that for a lot of reasons. And I think at 50, there's that tension. Um, and I think that's what we want to talk about today, is is we see you if you're feeling a bit of panic and loneliness in that area because you and I have both come through that realization and now have worked really hard to establish a whole new group of people um later on in life, which can be difficult. It's totally that's one of the points you wanted to talk about.

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's not easy for everybody to make new friends. I do think that that is a scary consideration for many. And I mean, even if we were to look at, you know, your like, and I think we need to say off the top, you and I are close friends, but we started a business and we were really loose acquaintances. We were not, we were not actually, I wouldn't even say friends yet. We had kind of knew We weren't friends at all.

SPEAKER_03:

We were we knew each other, we were connected, and we knew each other, but we had that was it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so our friendship has grown over eight years to absolutely very close, and we're also close colleagues and business partners. There's a lot of things that are intermeshed.

SPEAKER_03:

It's like we're married and many our kids are close, like there's a lot of our it's like it's like we're married in some ways, like that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, um, and I feel very lucky and I could get emotional talking about how lucky I am to have you in my life. I think that that's a very if I didn't have you in my life, that would um I would have a much bigger gap. Because I think friendships, like if you kind of look at your everybody has friends from when they were young, and if you're lucky, you kept them. And but keeping them is a is a task into itself as we all age and grow and and do those types of things. And I think that that's if I look at the reasons on why I think my university friends have stayed together is because it's linked around routine. So in those first five years after graduation, we were relentless. We we would celebrate five or six birthdays a year, and they just happened to kind of be every couple of months, and it worked out and it kept us together. Had we not done that, they would be Facebook friends only, probably, right? But it but because we stayed in touch and we were all in everyone's weddings and we still kept going, even when all the babies and everything came along, I would say the last decade it's harder because it's not as easy, you know, as you said, let's go grab a glass of wine when someone is two hours away and everyone has their busy schedules and they're working and they're raising a family. But I do think that routine and traditions are a really good way to keep friendships together, whether they're your ones from 30 years ago or even new friends. Like if you look at how we make friends as adults now and take work out of it, because you do meet people through work, but if you how do you make friends now? Oftentimes they're linked to something that's a routine. So why are hockey mums so such good friends? Because you stand at the same time every week in the same stands with the same vision and values, cheering on the same team. And then when your kid plays on another team, sometimes you stay friends, or you're you kind of shift back to acquaintance, like but it's a routine and tradition. So if you like people, you have to make there has to be something that you build in as a new tradition or a new routine, and that is hard.

unknown:

That's hard.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, it is because life is already already so full for us, right? Like, I think it starts with the first the understanding that these friendships and connections are as important as like your heart medication or whatever medication you're taking. Like it should be treated, and that's how I did it. Like how I genuinely treat my friends and uh and my connections and the time um as important as if I was taking any medication for any part of my body to make sure I stayed healthy. And it's back to the stat you shared. So I think first there needs to be acknowledgement and understanding. So you don't, because some people would feel guilty about I'm gonna go out. I have a lot of girlfriends who, you know, oh, you're like you're going out, or you know, the kids' routines, like you got to pick them up. You know what? You have to protect it. And then secondly, it's the point that you made. Now we're and what we're talking about, I think it's important to say is like we all have a lot of friends digitally, and that's really great. You're Facebook friends, as you said. But what we're talking about here is finding a connection, like you're having a conversation like this. I love texting, etc., is great, but it has to go one step further. Like I will, I people may get annoyed by that, but I believe strongly that there's something in you, there's an energy exchange that needs to happen.

SPEAKER_00:

I would say it's both. I think it's both, though, Tanya. I'd say again, if like if we're being real here, if people didn't have remember we used to talk on the phone all the time, and now we don't talk on the phone anymore anymore. Like you used to just phone your friend, right? You didn't make an appointment to phone your friend, you just phoned your friend. Sure. Now we text and keep in touch in that way. I think you it has to be that the best version, the best version is live conversation and in real life.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, but I I would challenge that if you don't have at least some live conversation, and I'm not saying all your friends, like sometimes you just physically can't do that. So texting and/or FaceTime works. I'm saying in your life, in your months, if you break it down, if you are not connecting with someone that is not sitting across something having a conversation, then you are not connecting in the way that I think benefits.

SPEAKER_00:

I 100% agree. That's what I mean. I'm just saying it's a combination of both. That's all. In a I think it's I think it's a combination of both. Because you're worried we're gonna piss someone off if we say it the other way. Is that what you're doing? I'm not worried I'm gonna piss any. I know. I'm just thinking about I'm well, I'm thinking about if I didn't have the digital, so again, if I look at like there's people I will chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, but I haven't seen you for a month. But if I hadn't been talking to you in the month, that's okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Sure. Okay, I I understand that. So yeah, but I I just want to we can let ourselves off the hook by pretending that we have community and connection. So I'm just gonna call out the elephant in the room. I saw the really funny meme about like these animals and these things, like who's the elephant in the room? But anyway, calling out the thing that is obvious, which is okay, great. Uh we're all digitally connected. There's social media, I get it. That's not what we're talking about here.

SPEAKER_00:

No, we're talking about real, yeah. And there for people in our in a in a real life way. And I and if we all said it like that, no one I don't think is doing enough of it.

SPEAKER_03:

No, agreed. And it's not a judgment. I'm just trying to distinguish why this is so important. And I think that's what we've lost. So then as we come into our late 40s, 50s, and all of a sudden we're feeling lonely and not fulfilled, this is just something that is we're based on experience, you and I are saying this is somewhere where you need to invest. Um, I have, and and I think the the other scenario is everyone has different, different circumstances. But I think we have to get over the belief that our our little our family unit of whether you number of kids and spouse or whatever that looks like can give you everything. I think a lot of the tension in families is the expectation of that. So one thing I understood uh several years ago and and changed my mindset is that oh, I don't the love and the fulfillment I need doesn't necessarily come from those people only. And in fact, I've I've said like I love my friends the most. Like it I would die for all of them. Like I love my friends, like that, those friendships are so core to who I am. And when I learned that, it took the pressure off needing to have that or give that actually to my kids or you know, my spouse at the time. I mean, that ended in divorce, that's an entirely different thing. But like another podcast, another podcast. But really, I think that's something I I think we need to, we need to. We're told that our biggest love story should be in a spouse or a partner. That's bullshit. Like our love story should be in those connections of humans, and and it love can be in many different ways. And once you figure that out and you put effort, it takes the pressure off. Oh, my kids aren't calling me, or oh, like, okay, that's fine. I'm over here having dinner or coffee with someone.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, I'm so let's sorry, let's talk about the new friendship piece because you just said something I think that's really interesting. Okay and you just said, I love my friends, like I would die for my friends. So, guess what? I'm gonna guess that everyone loves their friends at some level, and if they're lucky enough to have feel like my love cup is full, like I don't need any new friends.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, yeah, yeah, let's and I hear that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, like why would I go do this? I have enough friends. Why would I I personally so fundamentally disagree with that, but I'm curious on because I feel you can never have I think you can never have too many friends. I also believe that there are different types of friends, like the phrase there's friends for a reason, friends for a season, or friends for a lifetime. And when you categorize it like that, you know, though friends that kind of come and go, um, and a season could be a hockey season or it could be like your whole adult life. Like a season is a chunk of time that you determine, it doesn't have to be short or long. And a friend for a reason, like you came into my life as a friend for a work reason. Like that to me is a reason, but you've got a season.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, you know, I'm here for a lifetime, and you can move through.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. I think you will now be a friend for a lifetime, but you also but it's not until you've lived long enough do you know who are the lifetime friends. Like you don't just kind of like get granted, like, oh, you're a lifetime friend. I met you last week. Like, you don't know that. You don't know till you look back with with 2020 vision who actually is a lifetime friend. You don't know that. So, and even people you thought were lifetime friends actually might have only been seasoned.

SPEAKER_03:

100% because and all of that is okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. So, my point is I feel like you want to be on my opinion, is I want to fill friend the friends up because friends also fall through, they come out the bottom, and you don't know which ones are gonna come and go. And I've had circumstances like that in my life, people that I thought were like, and I don't really want to get into that right now, yeah. But like people who you think you're like, oh, this is this is a lifetime friend who drop out of your life. Yeah, that's like a breakup, like that's 100% breakup, very upsetting if you didn't see that coming. And then there's other friends that surprise you that you think are just gonna be there for a season, and you're like, wow, holy smokes, we have way more in common than we than I thought, or you have a shared experience that just elevates the friendship. So to say you don't want new friends or you're not opening yourself up to it, I just find it such a fascinating comment. Like, who doesn't need new friends?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, I think I think that statement, I've heard it as well. I think that's born in fear, right? It comes back to the it's not always easy. You kind of lose that muscle of like meeting new people and making new friends as you get because you're so guided by the circumstance of your life for probably 15 to 20 years, reality as you're raising kids, etc. So I think, yeah, that comes out of a fear. Well, I don't need need new friends because I've got I've got great friends. Like, why would I need new friends? So I agree with you. I you and I are on the same mind. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00:

It's linked to be scared of not belonging. Belonging before I'm not even gonna try. That's nuts. Totally, totally nuts.

SPEAKER_03:

We're exhausted, and that just feels hard. Um, but I think um, like to your so all of the things you've just said, um, because we tell our children this, like friends are friends, but you really find out who people are in the worst of times, usually. You know, when everything's going great, even the best acquaintance can be a bestie in in your mind. But it's when you're really going through something that those who show up, that's where I would believe it goes into friendship and love, like where you really know the people you can count on. Um, so you know, for those people who haven't had hard things go on, good for you, and that's amazing. But like as you get older, I think where the appreciation is, chances are you're gonna have a lot more difficulty as the years stack up and you realize. So you you want to have and you need different people. It's like anyone. Some I have friends, I have a mental of who I need to call in what circumstance because of who that person is and the advice and the support I need. But I think the other big part about why wouldn't you need new friends? And I've learned this through the dating scene. This is where is you really have to meet new people if you decide to start dating. Um, and you realize that new conversations are amazing. If you're in the same group, you know, family group, friend group, like we're we're kind of this is all yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Where's the growth?

SPEAKER_03:

Where's the growth? And that's okay. Listen, when you're busy for 20 years, like you might not want, you might not have capacity for growth. So again, we're talking about midlife friendships. You're now gonna have more time, guys. Like Amory and I are on the other side of it. We know this is coming. You're gonna have more time. So it's exactly that. It's if you stay within your circle of the same people in the same routine, and that's fine if that's what you want to do. But there is, to your point, no growth. In that meaning, you have it, you meet a new person, they bring new ideas to the table, new pieces of information, new experiences you can share. Like that in my mind is what drives me to meet new people.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like I love that. I love that. And then new people, I what's your take? When you said dating, it made me think of something too. The same way that when your kids are small, you're like, invite them over for a play date because the one-on-one time helps develop a friendship. Yeah, uh, oftentimes we meet new friends maybe in a group setting or whatever, and you have to almost date them or like have a play date, like actually get to know them individually. And then it's interesting how those friendships can bloom. Like, I have a couple new friends that have come into my life in the last couple of years who I wouldn't have expected, and they and it came out of like this is not the right word, but like you pursue them, like you're but it it it maybe it is the right word. You have to pursue a friendship.

SPEAKER_03:

You do. I have I know a few women and you meet in a group, and I have I identified them in a joking way, but the truth is, is like you we connected. Something happened over dinner when you come together and you find this person and you're just with a group, and you're like, Oh my god, we're like, what is it? Like sister from another mother, mister Sister from another mister. Yeah, but I always go mother because it's like anyway, but anyways, doesn't matter. Um, I have met and I have in my text I've said, like, you're gonna be my new bet BFF, and we're gonna like, and you have to put that effort in and you have to do that. And it may seem creepy, but it's not. And also think about this, ladies. Like, imagine if you received a text like that after a dinner. How great would that make you feel? Like, I love talking to you. Um, and you know, you're gonna now be my new BFF and and uh like you know, I'm not gonna stalk you, but I'm gonna put some dates in our calendar and we're getting to know each other. Like, wouldn't that make you feel good? Like, don't be afraid of that stuff. Like, use whatever tone, but that would be a good idea.

SPEAKER_00:

The people that say the people that say they don't want any new friends or don't have room in their life for new friends might not like that pursuit, but I then that's okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, they can say no, yeah. But if you've connected with someone, chances are they're feeling the same, and you're right, they may not, they can say no. I'm just saying it would still make them feel good. And if in my pursuit, at the very least, I just made you feel great that uh you connected with someone and I really like who you are as a human, job done. I'm fine. I'm like, I'm moving on to the other friends, like no skin off my nose.

SPEAKER_00:

And you can do that, yeah. Do that with old friends too. A hundred percent. So, like, I so interesting. I'm seeing a friend tonight if we go for a walk, um, who's my original first friend in Burlington. Oh, yeah. Because you know this story, and it's like a joke within our group of friends. Because again, that's a friend actually that has gone come in and out of my life over the last 20 years. But I was new to town pushing a stroller, I saw no other strollers. She was on her front lawn with a toddler. I had a toddler, and she was pregnant. And I literally crossed the road over like a weirdo and was like, How old is your baby? I just moved here. And I'm sure she went, and I know she did. Who are you? Because she grew up here, she had lots of friends. And I knew I had a little chat, and then I went back to her house. This is 20 years ago now. Um, and I put a note in her mailbox and said, This is my phone number, this is where I live. I would really like to meet you at the park sometime. And then she became my first friend, and then we have similar age kids, and then life came in and out, and then we've kind of reconnected in the last couple of years because of changes and transitions, and yeah, but we keep in touch and we see so it's you can go back to the case. But you pursued her. I pursued her at the beginning, and I'd say we probably pursued again. Yeah, say, I haven't seen you for a long time. Like you have to, and a walking talk is such an easy way, so it is for those who are local, so easy.

SPEAKER_03:

That's an eat, that is definitely an easy way, but everyone can. Do it in a different way, like I will literally so my uh like I've told people this like on a Sunday afternoon where I kind of schedule it in almost. It's like part of my thing where I literally go through my texts of my friends and I check in. Like, oh, I haven't heard I did it when I just got back from Ireland yesterday, last night, as I was trying to stay awake. Um, and there was a few people that I was like, gosh, I haven't heard from you. How you doing? Okay, I'm back. Let's schedule some time.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, and you and I had a conversation for at least an hour.

SPEAKER_03:

An hour. But I think it's it's the pursuit, the discipline. I guess the point we're trying to make is the effort is required for new and yeah, old. And it's it's as important as breathing. And I think for women alone, like it's the therapy you need. It's the it is, you know, there's so many memes, there's so many, there's science, there's research, like literally just, you know, an hour or two a week, you know, is is equivalent to something. Like, as far as what you get out of that connection and um that energy exchange, that I think at this point in particular, where life can feel um unfulfilled and kind of you feel a little like unappreciated and like what what the what the heck? I've done all of this and now what that this is an area that all women need to start immediately. And I would say men too. Like, this is not just a female thing. I'm a female, so I can only speak of my experience. Um, but I I I know men as well who have that same importance with their friendships. I do think that men probably do a better job of it throughout the years, anyways. If they have- Oh, you do?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, 100%. Like if you just think of playing hockey on a regular basis, like I'm not saying all men, but they'll have their group of people that they kind of okay, you're right. Maybe not I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I think they are just have low barriers of entry, and everybody is their friend. And fair fair. And I think that they put limited effort into it, but so do their friends. So everyone is doing a subpar reality. Okay, so maybe they're I know very few men who actually control the social calendar in their house, and that maybe they organize their golf.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00:

Stereotypically, I'm clear. It's a blanket statement, but I'm gonna be stereotypical.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, because I also think there's science and stats that show like it typically that you know, regardless of the depth of the the connection, that often the time dedication is easier maybe for men than women throughout the years. So guilt is maybe not there, the way that's the same. Well, exactly why, totally, um, and the the mental load of time and all of that, but it is equally important. I think um, you know, men need that connection too. So, but I'm I can only bring my own experience as a midlife female to say that for me, I consider it um like a life or death kind of scenario.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Well, you know what's also another thought is I'm part of a book club that's been going on for 10 years, actually. I accidentally started it. Um it's not my book club, it's a collect. But it's in when I turned 40, I wanted to read more books, and I was talking about it on Facebook, and then this kind of my Facebook friend said let's start that, and then people brought friends so the and it's been going monthly for 10 years. That is an interesting group of friends because they're very they're all very different. It wasn't like I handpicked people that are like me, that I like the it's and my usual friends that I would see all the time are not part of that group, and it's a wide range. Like we have people that just had babies, and we have a grandmother in our group, like it's a very wide range. The professions are diverse. The only thing that is the same is geographic, like that's pretty much and the fact that we like to read, those are the same things, but that's okay, that's all you need. I think that's an interesting thing. I think that's even more interesting.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, I want to meet people of different like age stage, life circumstance because that's the interesting. I want to learn about you and what's your life been like, and oh my gosh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And my so my point is I don't you started off that at the top talking about friendships and deep love. I think it's okay to have, you know, like your A, B, C, D friends. Like you can have friends that you and because we're talking about community and connection, right? So not everybody in your community has to be like your best friend that you could spend weeks with at on time. In fact, I I think our life is richer and more valuable when we surround ourselves with loads of different types of people. And so, and if anyone from the book club is listening, like I love all of you, you're you're wonderful humans, but there are ones that you click with more than what like that's just how life is, right? And so, and every time I go, I learn something new every time, and I know if you think about other groups of friends, like how have they come? What was your common connection? And are you going, how are you trying to make friends? So, like again, on the reading thing, like I will go to things like our library has these speaking nights. I reached out to people, nobody wants to go. Surprise, surprise. I've signed up for a couple on my own. I'll go. That's okay too. Because you'll meet people there. This is my thing. So I will go there with an open mind and an open heart, and maybe I'm gonna sit beside somebody else. You absolutely will, and I might talk to them. I might also just listen and get the heck out of there. Like, I don't have to. There's no expectation. But if I don't do any of these things, like I'm gonna go listen to one of my favorite authors. Maybe someone else will be there who also likes that. And maybe you make a new friend or a new acquaintance.

SPEAKER_03:

A new acquaintance. Well, it is a process. So I agree with you. I don't think we're saying that you don't get to the end of these deep, deep connections without starting at the beginning as acquaintance. No one just like jumps to that level. So agreed, you're not gonna get to the end if you don't lean in to the need to meet people. So yeah, so first it's I think again, if we recap, it's like understanding the importance and not feel guilty about taking the time to join or say yes or to hang out with, you know, old friends and other groups and things to meet new friends. Like, and just I say yes, that's the key.

SPEAKER_00:

That's just a thing. Totally. Consider what it is when you say no to that person repetitively. If it's once, okay, because it's circumstance. But sometimes like I'll have to take breaks sometimes because I will ask friends to do something, and by the third no, I'm taking a break for a while. Because it's in it it it there is a lack of it, it feels like as if maybe everyone has to take the time. Make the time you need to make the time to show that that friend is important to you. I agree with that, and I get everyone's schedules are busy and everything, but then I always find some time. You can find some time people out on that. Yeah, I'm it or you can say, I'm not free today, but what about tomorrow? Like you can work with the person. So I always do that.

SPEAKER_03:

That's the other thing. I think, okay, so the other thing about maintaining friendships and connections, it's like time management. Like you never say how many times are you text with friends, and it's like, oh, we should get together. You and I talk about the something because we're the same person. It drives me nuts. Then I'm like, I'm the one who will always say, Here are three dates. Like, I'm not gonna close it time. Close it. Like, I'm here for real. Like, I want to hang up.

SPEAKER_00:

And close it. 100%. I hate that. And don't cancel on me when we made the appointment.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, it's sometimes things happen, but that's sometimes things okay. Legitimate things happen. Yes. You know what I'm talking about. I totally know. I'm woke up really tired today. Yeah. I don't think I can make it. Yeah. Come on. Do you think I'm also not really tired? Do you think I didn't also move things around to make it happen? I didn't like and that's how prioritize your friendships. And here's control of the circumstance, and you have control and know that your friends are here to help make you make it better because you're building on the relationship. Like you're don't disappoint your friends.

SPEAKER_03:

No, but here's the thing if you don't want to do any of that too, that's all right. Like that's fine. Like, we'll what I think Amory and I are saying, we'll we'll suss you out pretty quick to know whether or not you're serious about it or you just don't want to. And I don't judge people who don't want to do that. Um, but what I'm I think what we're saying is we know enough now. And I think the purpose of this podcast is friendships and connections and community have uh saved us through the number of years. Like I'm gonna be that dramatic. I like I had a 50th birthday party and invited all my friends and family who I love to thank everyone for getting me through some pretty crazy times as an appreciation. So we're just saying if there's a lack of fulfillment, which likely is happening at this age and stage of your life, if not, that's great. But hurray for you.

SPEAKER_01:

Your life is perfect, you're not listening to you.

SPEAKER_03:

But 95% of you are gonna be like, absolutely, then the best way to add the fulfillment is in this these connections. And it's scary. And if you don't have anyone to call, you just call me an Anne-Marie and we'll go out because that's easy we love.

SPEAKER_00:

And if you have to cancel, it's okay. I want to just reiterate like I get it. Circumstances happen, totally I get it. Migraines happen, car accidents happen, shit happens. Like, I get it, I totally get it.

SPEAKER_03:

No, but you're right. It's it's because I have to cancel sometimes too.

SPEAKER_00:

Like that's not that's not, but the point is it's about effort, and and we need friends. Like, if I look at, I think there's gonna be, I was thinking about this, knowing we were gonna talk about that. There are times in your life when I think you really need groups of friends when you are in a new school transition. I think about our university kids, like you're going in, you really need that new group, or like the first day of school when you're a small kid. Then when you're a new parent, holy smokes, there's an up, there's a time then that there's a gap and you need like-minded friends. I think we're in a new space now. I think this mid-age transition, and then I think there's another one. I was looking at my 81-year-old mom. Yeah, there's another one there when people are all women tend to outlive their spouses. Yeah. And if those women have only ever had friends who were couple friends and had and didn't maintain didn't do a wide range, and their friends maybe die. Yeah. But yeah, like they wind up in some small settings, and I'm really proud of my mom's is part of the social group. She is a busy bee. Like, she is amazing. Doing something every day with a group of women um who are all new friends and they're part of a networking group. And I'm really proud of her. And I think, gosh, it's almost like they need that for our age. Apparently, you can join at our age, but I don't want to join her group. No, that's okay. This age.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, look at us. We're talking about you should say yes. We're like, no, no. I mean, listen, I would go with you. Why not have a conversation?

SPEAKER_00:

You know, I just don't want to, I want to go be with the 50 year olds, not the 70-year-olds. Well, that's an I agree with that. But the stuff that they do is really fun. Like, for example, like she plays games, say she plays Euchre. She Oh, I do Euchre. Honestly, if we could play Euchre, I would totally play. Sometimes uh, I'm like, oh, I just want a ladies' euchre group. I should start that. You should start that. I'll join.

SPEAKER_03:

We'll join join June. That's fine too.

SPEAKER_00:

No, no, no, like our own euchre group. But see good. You see what I just did though? Did you see what I just did? What did you do with it? We will start that. I just said, Yes, I know you will. I'm excited. I will, but it's great. But sometimes I wish it was already started.

SPEAKER_03:

You are who you are, though. Like, honestly, I've learned that too. Like, you you also have roles of friends, like friends are different. There's tons of hilarious memes out there about like a three group of three friends, and you each are like the the the role in that yeah, who's the planner, who's the hot mess mom. So, like there's it just is, you know, and then you're just that person, and um, you know, as long as you get the appreciation and and and they're showing up and saying yes, but not everyone is built that way.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't want to play mahjong, I want to play euchre, yeah. And I also love getting together for drinks, that's fun. But also in midlife, like I don't know. There's only so much way. I can't do that the way I agree. Like I agree. It's I'm but experience. You still want to be social on a Wednesday. Well, you know what I've done now.

SPEAKER_03:

You can, and also I think you know, if you have the flex and say we're and also it doesn't always have to be nighttime. So, like my girlfriend just texted me now because I'm back. She's like, Are you free for coffee? And like Wednesday afternoon, I don't have any meetings around three. So I'm like, come over. Like it can be before dinner too. Like, I think we have to get out of this. It always has to look like this. I'm like, come over for coffee. I'm working, so come here. She's like, I'll bring you a Starbucks. Done. Like it's an hour, hour and a half. And I think that that when we talk about making time, you gotta, and I get that not everyone can do that. Um, I have a lot of time, so I'm like, whatever. Um, and I'll just work later. Like, those are the things we have to rethink. But anyway, our time is probably what are we at? Yeah, I think we'll probably have to wrap.

SPEAKER_00:

Let me look at my list because we did have ideas. We were gonna, uh, we're all good. I do feel though that this is a topic, and I love it when we give ourselves a little homework.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, although I haven't done any of the homework.

SPEAKER_00:

You didn't do the homework.

SPEAKER_03:

What was the one? Although I think I I'm on my way to doing one thing of a change of schedule.

SPEAKER_00:

I just got so many. I just got I don't I no excuses, no excuses.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, I lived in Ireland for two. That was a total change of schedule, so maybe I did do my homework.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so I think I'm gonna think about this, but I think we probably need to come back to this topic. And I don't know if there's somebody we can talk to about it, but I also topic just like community and connection as we age, like that. Actually, maybe maybe my uh maybe my professor friend might want to chat with us a bit about it. I would love that. And then in terms of homework, you know what? I'm gonna go to those two speakers at the library and I'm gonna talk to somebody, which is gonna feel maybe weird. Oh my god. Okay, first of all, Amory, I don't believe that's homework.

SPEAKER_03:

You would just naturally do that.

SPEAKER_00:

I would talk to them like to say hello, but I wouldn't be like gonna make a new friend. Like that you're gonna be my friend now. Like, I mean, that's weird, you know. Like, I don't want to be a weird weirdo.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, I I think the next time this is what I think everyone's homework should be. The next time you're in a setting where you meet someone that you connected with, and don't tell me it doesn't happen, it happens. If you're meeting with people and you're just like, oh my god, that was so interesting. Then the homework should be you have to go one step further and say, Hey, follow up. Let's meet for coffee, let's have another conversation. Like, I will do that often because I like to collect people along. Like, that's I look at friendship too as like a collection of people along the way.

SPEAKER_01:

You do have odd collection, like you have a guy too with the woman that does your waxing, like one of your best friends. She is like my best friend. She was waxing.

SPEAKER_03:

I know, but most people who made her, most people who meet her, she becomes your best friend because she's amazing. But it is, it's like just a win. Like in the conversation and connection. Like, if she was boring and I didn't connect with her, then it's fine. Like, I would never, but you have to like there's just so the next person you meet and you're connected with, pursue, pursue as if you were dating and you met someone and you like them. Like, actually, I haven't I know who that's gonna be.

SPEAKER_00:

Actually, I went on a blind date with this other mom with our two daughters in the summer, and we had the nicest date. And um, afterwards we were like, Well, that was the best blind date ever. Like it was kind of a it was like our the kids were there too. But anyway, maybe that will be a pursue, but it's it's any thinking who knows what happens, whatever. I think not dis and getting new friends is not dissing any of your old friends. No, that's another piece. You're not cheating on your old friends by getting new friends.

SPEAKER_03:

No, you make time. It's up to you to make time. You should make you know, whoever whichever friend I'm with, I am in it with that friend. Like that's the time I have with you, and they are the most important person in that moment for me, like to me, and I'll treat them that way. And I think that's how it should be. You can have 15 million friends, but like if I'm sitting across from you, I made the time, we're connecting. So I agree, it has nothing to do with any of my other friends.

SPEAKER_00:

And then I have it, yeah. And then you know what else just got me thinking as we were talking about is also good friends also lift each other up in many ways. So the other nice thing as professionals is when you have many friends, you know what? We have friends with really smart people, women who are making a difference and doing amazing things in their companies or organizations. It actually makes you a better worker or employee or parent. Like you learn so much from these women and you can help them in their goals as well. So you like when people are in it, like they're looking for a new job. You can maybe you know someone and you can introduce them, maybe you can help get them hired or give them some work, or which is the whole leading left separate networking piece we were talking about. But that is another big reason to have a good group of friends where I think when you talked about men, they have large networks. Maybe that's what you meant that it's easier for them to shake a hand and now they're like part of the network, and women feel like we need to develop it a little bit more. But friends are a network, they are, and they're also a network if you need help, like a hundred percent if wherever you know the odds are one of someone knock on wood, but not like someone could get sick. We need somebody who knows something about that. Like we need help for one of our kids. Our someone in our friend group has a expertise in something, like that's it's a your network is very valuable on a personal level. Agreed, but not just on a love and heart fulfilling level.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, yeah, it's multidimensional for sure. We should have there. I'm already thinking of like shoot-offs of this where we can have more in-depth conversation, but yeah, and these are good conversations to have.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I want to keep going, but I know we have to hang up. We do need to go. Hang up. We need to hang up.

SPEAKER_01:

We need to hang up.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, I think I hope we got our points across. I think so. We have such strong views around this topic.

SPEAKER_00:

So um all I'm gonna say, if you want to be my friend, you just come and tell me you want to be my friend. Like I'm the everybody, I really do. I'm loyal to a fault, actually.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and you're curious about people. I think the key is you're curious about people, right?

SPEAKER_00:

So I like you first, then I don't like you. Yeah, well, some people you have to prove. Yeah, that's true. Some people are like, I automatically don't like you. I need to, yeah. You can tell you can tell those are the people you have to prove yourself you're good. I'm like, no, no, no, I like you anyway. I'm gonna like you until you show me that I shouldn't.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, for sure. You have to have an open mind and an open heart, 100%. Um, I like this conversation, and I I'm glad I have you as my friend.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my gosh, me too. I'm very, very lucky. We are we lucked out, man. We really did luck out. We did luck out.

SPEAKER_03:

It could have gone, it could have gone a lot of ways. Could have gone a lot of ways, but I will also say that we lucked out, but we both were the same human and we put effort in. You showed up for me and my kids. I showed up for you and your kids early on in that relationship. Like, if we didn't do that, it could have gone another way. But you and I showed up for each other the way we want to show up. So that's what's I think uh while I feel very lucky, I do. I also know that you and I put in the effort because I think we met and we're like, oh my god, there's a connection here. Now let's water it and watch it grow. Like that's what you need to do. You have to water if one of us was not the same way, you know, and we have that experience, you know, it it does go another way. So it's when you find those people, hold on tight. Yeah.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm hanging on, friend. I'm hanging on. Okay. All right. Thanks for the chat.

SPEAKER_01:

Bye. Bye.

SPEAKER_03:

If you felt this one, share it. Because what's left isn't less, it's everything.

SPEAKER_04:

I feel like we go together. I'm like, why are you staring at it?