Today's Heartlift with Janell

350. Quiet Gifts: Saint Nicholas and Loving Others Well

• Janell Rardon • Episode 350

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"Understanding is the essence of love" (Thich Nhat Hanh).

The quiet before wonder can change everything. We move through Advent by stepping into the story of Saint Nicholas—not the myth, but the young man whose hidden generosity saved daughters from slavery and modeled a love that protects dignity. From that spark, we explore how real love is trained, not assumed: a discipline of attention that seeks to understand first, then act with compassion, joy, and freedom.

I share why understanding is the essence of love and how it becomes a practical way forward when relationships feel stuck. Drawing on Thich Nhat Hanh’s wisdom, we test our affection with two questions: Does this love bring joy, and does it protect freedom? Then we get tactical with Nonviolent Communication, reframing conflict from a win-lose standoff into a process grounded in connection before strategy. You’ll learn to name needs clearly, separate needs from solutions, build trust through empathy, and translate requests into positive, actionable language—skills that can change your family table, your marriage, and your holiday gatherings.

Threaded throughout is a faith-centered reminder that no human can meet every need we carry. Rooting our belonging in God lightens the load we place on those we love and helps us set boundaries that honor both safety and dignity. With stories of courage, hard choices, and repair, we map a path to wholehearted living where generosity is quiet, presence is powerful, and hope is stubborn.

If this conversation helps you breathe deeper or love better, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the show. What relationship will you train your heart for this week?

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SPEAKER_00:

In the silence of a mid-winter dusk, there is a sound so faint that for all you can tell, it may be only the sound of the silence itself. You hold your breath to listen. You are aware of the beating of your heart. The extraordinary thing that is about to happen is matched only by the extraordinary moment just before it happens. Advent is the name of that moment. Frederick Beekner. Hello and welcome to today's Heartlift with Janelle. I'm Janelle, your heartlifting guide, through this beautiful great glimmer hunt of Advent. In our episode last week, we introduced the phenomenal Matt Mikelatos and his beautiful, beautiful book, The Prayers of Saint Nicholas. And I decided when I met Matt and saw his really, really beautiful book that I wanted to take the time to really go deep into this beautiful story of a very real man who became a saint who lived a long time ago, in the late 200s, 300, during the time of the Empire of Rome and Constantine. So Saint Nicholas had quite a journey, and I invite you to listen to last week. And in last week's episode, we talked about a beautiful story called Three Bags of Gold. My husband and I are going through this book for Advent, and we just read about that story on page 31 through 33. This starts out a prayer to be a blessing. When you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. That's recorded in the book of Matthew, chapter 6, verses 3 and 4. Perhaps that's very familiar to some of you or brand new to some of you. But I love that it says, when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. I'd love to know what you think that means. When you read or listen, perhaps, to that story, you can kind of see that scripture coming to life because Nicholas was in his early twenties, so we think, and he had heard tale of a father who had three daughters, and in this time in which Nicholas lived, it was a great time of famine, great time of disputes, war. And if a father didn't have a dowry for his daughter or daughters, then they would have to consider selling their children into slavery. So Nicholas just couldn't stand for this. So the story goes that he took a bag of gold and he threw it in the front window. Some say he threw it down the chimney. That's where we get that tradition. Some say he put it in a sock. But the story is that the father the first time was so filled with gratitude because now he could actually have a dowry for his daughter to be wed. And then Nicholas did the same for the second daughter, and then for the third. But by the third daughter, Nick this man, this father, was so curious that he ran out the door and he just had to find out. And he he finds Nicholas, and Nicholas is like, please, please, please don't tell anybody. I don't want anyone to know and keep the secret. Bless you. God gets all the credit. But of course, we're talking about it now. So the father didn't keep it secret. I'm not sure I could either. But what I love about this story is that Nicholas, you know, his left hand kind of didn't know what his right hand was doing. He just knew he had to do it. That's the motivation. Nicholas loved. He loved deeply. And he primarily loved the needy, or those who were downtrodden, or those who weren't having good fortune. Life had not been as kind to them as it had been to Nicholas. Nicholas would definitely say today that he was privileged. His parents were wealthy. They had no needs. He lived in a castle. He lived a really, really beautiful life of ease, I think we would say today. I can say I understand that. When I look around and I look at my home, and I look at that, I don't have to worry about if I can buy food or now care for my children if they need it or our grandchildren. I'm very blessed. I want to focus today on this generous love that Nicholas showed us. And in this community, we know and we would say that Nicholas had secure attachment. He was born into a home with caregivers, with parents who saw him. You know, our big five. He was seen, he was heard, he was known, he was loved, and he definitely, definitely knew he belonged. He had a place where he was emotionally flourishing. Really good parents. His parents were exemplary. They were examples of giving to the needy. When they could not get pregnant, they decided we're going to give to the needy, we're going to serve the poor, we're going to give back to our community. And lo and behold, God bless them, with Nicholas. Nicholas learned this in the womb of his home. I'm sure his parents weren't perfect, but they did a pretty pretty dang good job. When I reflect on this deep love that Nicholas learned, I now in my mid-60s look back and think I could have done a lot of things differently. I was not born into a securely attached home, neither was my husband. Whenever we knew better, we did better. And even today, when I know better, I do my best to try better. Best being defined as I'm going to be more like Jesus than I ever have been. I'm grateful for grace. I'm grateful for unconditional love and forgiveness. And that I understand I will never be perfect. As long as I live and walk on this planet Earth, I will never be perfect. I will make mistakes. I will err. And hopefully, every time I do, I pick myself up and I learn. I learn how to walk more closely with myself, my values, my integrity, and with God. So today I just thought we would hone in a little bit on love. This topic has been near and dear to my heart for as long as I can remember. Most definitely because of the home in which I was born and nurtured, and where I received insecure attachment avoidant. And a few months ago, maybe even a year ago, I came across this little book called True Love, a Practice for Awakening the Heart by TikNot Han. Brilliant wisdom teacher. He was a Buddhist leader, very influential here in the West, and sometimes he's considered um second only to the Dalai Lama. Well, I can learn from great wisdom teachers. I do follow Christ. Yes, I do. But I love to learn from wisdom. He writes on page two in this little book, it's so tiny you can fit it in your pocket. Training is needed in order to love properly.

unknown:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

We could just stop there today. And to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the person you love. I'm gonna repeat this probably many times. Training is needed in order to love properly. You see, we're just not born knowing how to love. Love is a practice. I write all about this in my second and third book. As I said, I have been writing, learning, studying, researching, and teaching on this topic for decades. But this last decade, it has gotten so deep, I have had to put on some boots. Training is needed in order to love properly and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. In order for me to love someone deeply, and under I have to understand them. What? Understanding is the essence of love. Did you get that? Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love. Well, this sounds a lot like first John 4, 7 through 21. If a husband, for example, does not understand his wife's deepest troubles, her deepest aspirations, if he does not understand her suffering, he will not be able to love her in the right way. Without understanding, love is an impossible thing. What must we do then in order to understand a person? We must have time. We must practice looking deeply into this person. We must be there attentive. We must observe. We must look deeply. And the fruit of this looking deeply is called understanding. Love is a true thing if it is made up of a substance called understanding.

unknown:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

The second element of true love is compassion, karuna. This is not only the desire to ease the pain of another person, lean in here, but the ability to do so. You must practice deep looking in order to gain a good understanding of the nature of the suffering of this person in order to be able to help him or her to change. I would add here that I think this is the definition of empathy. When I practice deep looking, I would even add discerning. In order to gain a good understanding of the nature of the suffering of the person that I'm loving, it says, I will have what it takes. Knowledge and understanding are always at the root of the practice. The practice of understanding is the practice of meditation. To meditate is to look deeply into the heart of things. He goes on with the third element of true love is joy. If there is no joy in love, it's not true love. Oof. If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love. It's even the opposite. If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure that it's not true love. I mean, this hits really deep heartlifters. Now you might be hearing this for the very first time, so I just want you to take a deep breath. Because when I read it, it it just slayed me, is the word. Me? It's like, how can he love me if he knows me? I mean, how is that even possible? The fourth element is equanimity or freedom. In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. The opposite is true. It's not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside, but also inside. And here I underlined and I wrote, wow. Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you? This is an intelligent question for testing out whether your love is something real. I'm just gonna give you a few little moments to maybe stop, rewind, re-listen, and let the words pour over you like the beautiful oil that Samuel poured over David's head when he anointed him to be the king. Let these words sink in. Now we know, we know, that loving others is not easy. Loving ourselves is not easy. That's why in this heartlifting community, our foundation are these three tenets. I possess and practice a healthy sense of self, healthy behavior patterns, and healthy communication skills. For when I possess and practice these three beautiful tenets, I will stand in the center of my spheres of influence as a healthy woman who is following God with all of her heart. That's our influence, is to continually develop this practice of love, loving ourselves, loving God, loving others. So I thought I would bring to the table another book that is a primary uh, it's just one of the most important tools uh in my private practice, my own practice, and also when I when I help others. Living nonviolent communication, practical tools to connect and communicate skillfully in every situation by the wise Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. He curated this nonviolent communication. I'm gonna read just a few pages. Bear with me, it's very, very important. We can work it out, resolving conflicts peacefully and powerfully. He writes, for more than 40 years, I've mediated a wide variety of conflicts between parents and children, husbands and wives, management and workers, Palestinians and Israelis, Serbians, Croatians, and warring groups in Sierra Leone, Nigeria, Burundi, Sri Lanka, and Rwanda. What I've learned from dealing with conflicts at all these levels is that it is possible to resolve conflicts peacefully and to everyone's satisfaction. The likelihood of conflicts being resolved in this fulfilling way, and here's what's important, please lean in, is significantly increased if a certain quality of human connection can be established between the parties in conflict. What I draw from Dr. Rosenberg is that that phrase, a certain quality of human connection. There is so much conversation every time I turn on my television on any news station about conflict, resolution, making a deal, peace. Why isn't it working? Because there is a certain quality of human connection between the parties at the table that's not happening. He writes, I've developed a process called nonviolent communication, NVC, which consists of thought and communication skills that empower us to connect compassionately. There's a key with others and ourselves. My colleagues and I are extremely pleased with the many different ways that people are using and NVC in their personal lives, work settings, and political activities. He goes on to say that this whole book is a treatise, I guess you could say, on how you can activate this around your family table at your family gatherings. Hello, ho ho ho. We are here at the holiday seasons. We just had Thanksgiving. How did yours go? And I would imagine that we have Christmas coming. Perhaps you celebrate Hanukkah, I am not sure. But I hope this information is helpful and I'd grab a copy of this book if you can. He writes When I'm called into a conflict resolution, I begin by guiding the participants to find a caring and respectful quality of connection among themselves. Only after this connection is present do I engage them in a search for strategies to resolve the conflict. So I take away from this connection before conflict. At that time, we do not look for compromise. Rather, we seek to resolve the conflict to everyone's complete satisfaction. Wow. To practice this process of conflict resolution, we must lean in, lean in. Completely abandon the goal of getting people to do what we want. How difficult does that sound? How difficult does that sound, heartlifter? Completely abandon the goal of getting people to do what we want. Instead, he writes, we focus on creating the conditions whereby everyone's needs will be met. This might sound like, no way. This is completely impossible. But this has been proven in extreme situations. I write in stronger every day, just a simple me plus you equals we. If we don't have a fully present me who's abandoning her goal of getting everything I want, and a fully present you, whether this is a friend, a child, a husband, wife, uh someone on a board that you sit on, someone in your college class. You fill in the a neighbor, fill in the blank. He continues to further clarify this difference in focus between getting what we want and getting what everyone wants. Let's imagine that someone is behaving in a way that's not fulfilling a need of ours, and we make a request that the person behave differently. We don't really point a finger, but we might point it in our head, right? In my experience, he writes, that person will resist what we request if they see us only as only interested in getting our own needs met, and if they don't trust that we are equally concerned with meeting their needs. Genuine cooperation is inspired when participants trust that their own needs and values will be respectfully addressed. And there's a key, key word, right? Trust. The nonviolent communication process is based on respectful practices that foster genuine cooperation. Here they are. One. We must be able to express our own needs. Everyone gets an opportunity to speak. I wrote, This is how we develop need literacy, which is different than a want. I'll put a few uh past episodes in the show notes for you if you need to go back and kind of review. What does it mean to have need literacy? Well, that means that you are taking the time before you ever come to the table, before this conversation with another person or perhaps a family. You have sat with yourself, you have examined your heart, you have done some of Ignatius's examine, daily exams, weekly examines, and you have clarified to yourself what your needs really are. I have heard so many couples in my years and years of marriage and family coaching say, he doesn't meet my needs. She doesn't meet my needs. My child is not meeting my needs. And I'll say, Well, what are your needs? Have you done a need literacy examination? No, of course not. He should just know. She should just know. My child should just know. Two, sensing, sensing the needs of others, regardless of how others are expressing themselves. So this goes back to active listening. I have all this information in past shows, especially in the very beginning of the podcast. I went to great lengths because I did this for my clients in between times of their sessions with me so that they would begin to have emotional literacy and emotional granulation and be able to actually know what they're feeling and what why they're feeling it. Three, checking to see whether needs are accurately being received. Providing the empathy people need in order to hear the needs of others. Now, not all of us have empathy. If you know anything about the Enneagram, that's a very, very helpful tool in relationships and dealing with others. I have found it incredibly helpful in my marriage with my children, learning to discern friends and groups, small groups, times when I'm shopping, if a clerk is a certain way, or perhaps a doctor is a certain way and go. He's an Enneagram eight for sure. So this is how I need to dig deep and have some patience and be clear. It gives me an understanding of the motives of someone. That's really one of the most beautiful parts of understanding the Enneagram personality typing is because it helps you understand someone's motive. And when you can discern a motive, you really have a leg up. Five, translating proposed solutions or strategies into positive action language. He goes on, and I put it in this equation: cooperation plus consideration equals careful collaboration. All human beings have the same needs. According to the definition of needs, regardless of our gender, educational level, religious beliefs, nationality, all human beings have the same needs. What difference, what is different from person to person is the strategy for fulfilling needs. I go way to the base, like I know we have Maslow's hierarchy of needs. We all have physical needs and emotional needs, but our core need, every human being, is to be seen, heard, known, loved, and to feel as though we belong. Belonging is our core need. Rosenberg writes, I found that it facilitates conflict resolution to keep our needs separate from the strategies that might fulfill them. Our guideline for separating needs from strategies is to keep in mind that needs contain no reference to specific people taking specific action. In contrast, effective strategies, or what are more commonly referred to as wants or requests, desires, solutions, do refer to specific people taking specific actions. An exchange between a husband and wife who had just about given up on their marriage will clarify this important difference between needs and strategies. And he's given this example, and I'm going to give it because I think it's helpful. I asked the husband what needs of his were not being fulfilled in the marriage. He responded, I need to get out of this relationship. Since he was talking about a specific person, himself, taking a specific action, leaving the marriage, he was not expressing a need as I define it. Instead, he was telling me a strategy that he was thinking of using. I pointed this out to him and suggested that we delay talking about strategies until we had really clarified both his needs and the needs of his wife. When they were able to clarify their needs, I would add here, they separately had spent time examining their hearts, minds, souls, bodies, actions, behaviors, all having some real self-examination, introspection, examining and developing their need, literacy. Then we come to the table. He continues, when they were able to clarify their needs, they both saw the strategies other than ending the relationship could meet their needs. And I'm pleased to say that in the two years since that time, they've developed a relationship within the marriage that is very satisfactory to both. And I'll just go back to the key with Tik Not Han and what he says in true love that we have to give ourselves time and attention to understanding the person we're loving. I see that as a very big missing piece. We also can give too much time to trying to understand the other person. I would be very guilty of that. I'm a fauner. Stay tuned. I'm going to be talking about that in a future episode. I'm someone who will repress and then just, you could call it a people pleaser, but it's really a defense mechanism strategy. It's a survival skill, as I have been learning through this time of my enforced rest. It's been so freeing to know this about myself. And I can see myself making some significant changes, and it is making our lives better in our marriage, and it's making my life as a human being better. Because we have to really understand at the base level, and this is where 1 John 4 will come in, because we're followers of Jesus. So we need to adhere to biblical standards and understand the words that God gives us in His Bi in the Holy Bible. That is our our guide, our roadmap. And we have to understand that not one person will ever, ever meet every need we have. It's impossible. My husband cannot, will not, should not fill my every need. There is a need in my life that only God, only God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit will fill, can fill. And so after 40 plus years of marriage, I know that my husband is not ever going to meet all of my needs. It's not how we were designed. Then once I know that, I have a beautiful, vertical relationship with the Trinity. I am spending time with them. I'm allowing God to fill my cup to overflow. I am feeling seen and heard and known and loved, and I belong to my Heavenly Father, and I'm part of his family. That breathes security and peace in my being. So I want to close with some beautiful thoughts. I have taken Brene Brown's stunning book, Atlas of the Heart, Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience, off of my bookshelf. When I went into atrial fibrillation, A flutter, I said, I need to open Bernay's book again and get inside of my heart and relearn some very important principles. And I have not only relearned, but I have seen things I haven't seen since it was published. In chapter 10, places we go when the heart is open. Love, she talks about love, lovelessness, heartbreak, trust, self-trust, betrayal, defensiveness, flooding, and hurt in this portion of the book. Now we're in the holiday season. We're talking about Saint Nicholas and his generous practice of love. And so this week I thought we've got to talk about love and how hard it is to keep loving, to live by 1 Corinthians 13, especially the end where it says, love never fails. I have said this so many times and written about it, like I said in my second and third book, and only skimmed the surface. That sometimes life is about tough love, sometimes it's about tender love, but all the time it's about both. And I think learning to love, developing your love language, the language of love, what does that mean? What does that look like? Well, it doesn't look like it can be developed if you're just rushing around every day and you're so busy. Well, we're in our retirement phase, and hello. And are really have an opportunity to either grow deeply more in love or to say, I don't feel like doing it anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm just tired. I can't do that. I can't do that. And Rob can't do that. You know, some of us have this uh with our adult children. We have raised our children. We now have entered into a new realm of life with adult children. Some of us have entered into now loving grandchildren. And that brings in a whole new realm. You know, most people only talk about the good, right? Because we don't want to talk about these things. I don't, I don't have the permission to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well, the good for sure, but not the bad and the ugly with my adult children. They're adult children. It's their privilege to keep it in their hearts and in their lives. But I'm just coming to the conclusion that loving another human being, no matter who they are, is really difficult to stay the course, to love like God loves. So that's why I have been immersed in 1 John 4, 7 through 21, and in this subject matter for so long, because it's deep and wide. This is what Brene writes: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get. It's not something we give or get. It is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them. We can love others only as much as we love ourselves. Well, that was what Jesus taught so many, so many centuries ago. Brene brings to that table then once again this power of connection. And we can't have a relationship. I wrote a letter to my father so many moons ago when I had gone to see him with my little firstborn, who was three, two and a half at the time. And he sadly was inebriated. He was drunk. And I remember picking her up and putting her in her car seat and getting in my car. And he came out to the window. I rolled it down, and I really felt like God gave me a word. And I said, We're done. I'm so sorry. I had to live with this, but she doesn't have to live with this. I love you, dad. Oh boy. Because by that time I was a follower of Christ, and Christ had given me love for my dad, trying and most importantly, separating the alcohol, you know, the sin from the sinner, as we would have said back in the day. And I just said to him, you know, you were a Marine, you have fought in two wars. And if you really loved your family and you really loved us, you will fight for us. Now I know he had a lot of childhood trauma. Did I know that then? Did I know what I know about trauma today? No. He had war trauma. He had PTSD. I didn't know any of those things. But I did go home that day and write him a long letter and he read it and he kept it. We found it after he died. And I said, Dad, we are in a relationship. We are two people in a boat. You're my father, and I'm your daughter, and now you have a granddaughter, and now she's in our boat. And I have to protect her from a boat sinking. From a boat from us drowning. And so I'm gonna have to take us to shore and separate us from you for a while until you can get help. That's all significant change. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal. That's the things I'm talking about here. And the withholding of affection. That's what I was doing. Damage the roots from which love grows. Love can survive these injuries only if they're acknowledged, healed, and rare, which my father didn't acknowledge. Once again, it's just about me trying to understand my father, you trying to understand whoever you're trying to love and have true love with your children, grandchildren, mothers, parents, whoever you're trying to be in relationship with will require that you understand that person. Let me reread that before we go. Training is needed in order to love properly. This is Tik Nathan. And to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love. And he writes, we must be there attentive, we must observe, we must have time, we must practice boldly looking deeply into this person. We must look deeply. And the fruit of this looking deeply is called understanding. Love is a true thing if it is made up of a substance called understanding. Now I am not going into any conversation today if there is any childhood trauma in your history with a parent. I'm not going there today, and I have talked about it before, so there are past episodes, and I understand that there is a timing that's involved, probably therapy, uh guidance, wisdom. Today I'm just talking about you're trying to love someone well. What does that look like? I hope that today's conversation has given you some food for thought. That's really all I can do here is give you direction, give you my own journey, my own experience. Brene writes, we need more real love. Gritty, dangerous, wild-eyed, justice-seeking love. In this chapter, she writes about heartbreak, and that's always going to be a risk. Here, I'm gonna read from the words of Joe Reynolds, an Episcopal priest. Heartbreak is an altogether different thing. Disappointment doesn't grow into heartbreak, nor does failure. Heartbreak comes from the loss of love, that connection, right? Or the perceived loss of love. My heart can be broken only by someone or something like my dog, though a part of me really believes my dog is a person, to whom I have given my heart. So today's conversation is really about this true love, the love between husband and wife, I mean true friendship for sure. Children, grandchildren. So important. There may be expectations, but disappointment is not the cause of heartbreak. There may be failures within the relationship. Indeed, there certainly will be, for we are imperfect vessels to hold the love of another person. But the failures didn't cause the heartbreak. Heartbreak is what happens when love is lost. Heartbreak can come from being rejected by the one you love. The pain is more intense when you thought the other person loved you. But the expectation of returned love isn't necessary for heartbreak. Unrequited love can be heartbreaking. The death of a loved one can be heartbreaking. So, as we close, we're remembering the beautiful story of Saint Nicholas of Myra, the Bishop of Myra, born into a time of war and conflict, but born into a home that where love, deep love and understanding and care and security was being nurtured. He then became that man who nurtured and loved and cared for others deeply. He found himself in prisons many times for many years. So I would guarantee you that's a time where he had a lot of self-examination. We're learning that love takes deep looking into the heart of another. Is there someone, heartlifter, that God is placing on your heart right now? Someone that you desire to have a restored relationship with, to have a stronger relationship with. If you don't know who that is, just Google it. Idea. I even have a picture on one of my walls. He just was an American painter who just painted idealistic, beautiful paintings. And I just thought we would have the perfect family. Every family gathering would be great. Everybody would love and laugh. And, you know, I didn't understand conflict. My husband didn't understand conflict. We had no idea how to have healthy conflict, and we're still learning to this day. But maybe there is a sadness or a grief or a loss relationship in your life that you are hoping that God will miraculously help you this beautiful Christmas season. Advent is the preparation for Christmas miracles. I'm just gonna say that right now. May God give us Christmas miracles.