The wall I hit — burnout, my energetic blueprint, and what changed everything

Today we're talking about my big beautiful burnout that altered the course of my life forever in a good way! 

Tune into hear: 

• The story of my burnout in 2019 that changed everything for me
•  Why burnout isn’t just about being tired, it’s often a symptom of something much more profound
•  Things I tried to do to “fix” my burnout that didn’t work 
•  The real solution for my burnout 
•  Burnout as a signal of misalignment — not personal failure 
• How learning about my unique energetic blueprint, including my ideal work environment, has helped me avoid burnout cycles 
• Finding my personal rhythms & honouring my monthly cycle 

And much more! 

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Podcast theme by Oren Ratowsky - https://www.instagram.com/oren.wav/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Life Forces Podcast, a space for deep self-discovery, cultivating self-responsibility, and creating a life you love with the help of your energetic blueprint. I'm your host, Bianca Giuliani, and I'm so happy to be back here with you again. These past couple weeks have been really great. I've been really honoring my own personal rhythms. A lot of that has to do with like menstrual cycle stuff, like you might have heard of cycle syncing, things like workouts, what you eat, sort of the activities you choose to do, etc. That has been super beneficial to me. I'm gonna be sharing more of that experiment with you soon, maybe on Substack. I haven't quite decided yet. But today I want to talk to you about burnout because for me it was a huge turning point in my life experiencing this burnout that I did. Oh my god, like seven years ago almost, which is crazy to say. Um yeah, it changed a lot for me. And so I want to share this story, what I learned, what worked, what didn't work, um, and all that jazz. Yeah. So let's dive into it. So this all happened when I was working at my last full-time job I ever worked, and it really seemed like I had it all on the outside. I was living in my own flat in Berlin. I had a job where I didn't need to know any German, only in English, at a very, you know, cool company. I had enough money to go on my dream trip to Tokyo. And at that point, I had made some music. And for a longer time before that, I was DJing and I was able to go out to like the best clubs in the city. I had a really great time. The thing that first attracted me to Berlin was the whole electronic music scene, because it's probably the best in the world, at least when I was there. And yeah, I just met so many great people there and I had a lot of fun. And that's what attracted me there. And, you know, my job was related to music as well. It was doing music journalism for a company that was more like fashion-focused, but they still wrote about like music and culture. And so it was just really well suited for me. And the job also came at a good time because I had got fired from a job in Music PR that I was not very good at, um, even though I couldn't really admit that at the time. So this job kind of saved me. Otherwise, I might have had to go back to Canada where I'm from, because you know, I need a work visa to stay there. Yeah, in 2019, when this happened, on the outside seemed like everything was cool. You know, the job on paper is great, you know, pretty ideal for someone who like doesn't speak German and wanted to work in culture. But inside, I was really just feeling more confused than ever. And I couldn't understand why I could no longer be content with my life. It was like there was there was something missing, and I just didn't get it. I was doing all the right things. I was sleeping enough, eating well, exercising, meditating. By this point, I had kind of already been on a bit of a spiritual journey with healing and stuff, which I'll get back into later in the episode. But despite doing all the right things and, you know, in some ways feeling more connected to things spiritually, I still felt really exhausted and depleted. And I would say, because I'm gonna mention probably more than once in this podcast, that burnout isn't just about being tired. It's more often than not a sign that you're out of alignment on like a soul level with things. And I think there were definitely signs that maybe I shouldn't have taken this job in the first place. Um, the signs were there even as early as when I started. And I have a few. I numbered them. So the first sign was I didn't get hired for the role that I originally applied for. I originally applied for associate music editor, I think it was. And then I show up on the first day of work only to find out that some other dude got that position and I was in a more entry-level role, which felt like hurtful and annoying. And also like it ended up really pissing me off because the guy ended up not proving to be very competent and ended up getting fired. So I'm kind of like, what was that all about? Anyway, so that was that was frustrating. And also when I started, the company was not legally paying me enough. And we only found this out, me and the very nice lady in HR, only found this out after I applied for my visa, you know, listing this role, listing my how much money I was gonna make. And legally they had to pay me more if they wanted me to stay at the company and get a visa. So the good news is I got paid a little bit more than I was expecting, but it was also like, okay, I'm being undervalued in a way, right? That's not great. Another thing that happened later on is I came up with an idea for a video series that we would do with musicians and other celebrities. Because of course it's nice to do like a uh regular video interview, but I'm sure as you've seen on social media everywhere, you know, it's kind of fun to do these like specific kinds of segments that you can repeat with, you know, different celebrities and stuff like that. So I had this specific idea, and it was called cop or drop, because our publication was mostly about fashion. So cop is like, you know, I'm gonna cop this, I want this, drop it as I don't want it. So the idea is you just like come up with a random or not random list of things, and then the person would say, I'm I would cop this because or I would drop this because whatever. It was cute. And at the time, most of the senior editors, who were all men, rejected the idea, but then they finally went with it and it actually did very well. And then one of those guys who I didn't like very much at the time basically took credit for it, which was really, really annoying. So these were all pretty huge red flags. But, however, in general, at the start, and for most of the time I was there, I did really enjoy the job and I think it was good for me. Um, I had an amazing boss, the work was pretty fun for the most part, and I did get to go on press trips to Milan and till and to Bilbao, which was amazing. And also a couple times I traveled to our New York office with like flights and some expensive paid, so that was expenses paid, so that was really sweet. But come 2019, it was the summer, and already I could feel things like shifting in me. I felt less excited about my day-to-day stuff. Like it was hard for me to care. I wrote like a lot of like music news stuff. I just felt like I didn't care as much about it anymore. This was also a time where I like wasn't really as interested in going out to clubs and things that I used to love and like feeling more disconnected from people and stuff like that. So there was like a lot changing, not just at my job within my life. But we had this crazy couple of weeks where we had a had partnerships with two festivals two weekends in a row at the same location just outside of Berlin. Um, and it was very hectic. And but that was the point where I was like, I really can't do this anymore. Although I got to wear very cool, very stylish, you know, borrowed clothes that were chosen for me and interview artists on camera. Honestly, all I wanted to do when I didn't have to be out there speaking to people with a microphone is hide away in the dusty excuse of a green room and read Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love. Yeah, I just really wanted something different. And I was feeling this different need for depth in my life, um, in a way that was making me not want to do my day job and making it really hard to just push through. And at the time I felt exhausted, like I was running on empty, and it didn't matter how much I slept, how well I ate, you know, how many salads I ate. I was just completely done. And around this time, we even got a new editor-in-chief at work. And, you know, he seemed like a really cool guy. He had worked at different publications that I really admired. So, you know, when he came, I tried to get excited about like the new possibilities and thinking how I could shape my job there into something new and exciting. And I had a like one-on-one meeting with him, but then when I left the meeting, I was like, what the fuck, Bianca? Like, you this is not actually exciting to you anymore. Like, it was just really difficult for me to figure out a way to be okay with this job. And I've kind of always been someone that can't just do a job and go on with the rest of my life, especially if it's full-time. Like, I always want to feel like it's something that I'm good at and interesting to me and that I can really like contribute to. So it was starting to feel like none of those things could really happen anymore at this job, no matter how hard I tried, no matter like how cool the artists were that I got to interview and you know, the shows I got to go to and things like this, the festivals, etc. It just like, it just wasn't hitting anymore. It just wasn't doing it for me at all. Another thing I tried because I'm like, oh, I'm so tired. Um, maybe if I worked four days a week instead of five, that could make a difference. So I tried to do that. I tried to be able to work four days a week on the same salary in lieu of getting a raise. So I met with my manager and he was very kind and he heard me out and he said he'd get back to me. But I think I gave my notice not even a week later, because again, I was just so D-O-N-E den. And as I said, like some people might be better at compartmentalizing their job. And I don't think like your job necessarily has to be your entire identity and doesn't even have to be really related to the purpose of your life. But for me, it kind of took over my entire life and identity. I realized, or at least it was eating up too much of my time, I felt, and I couldn't sort the rest of it out. Um, I just really couldn't take it any longer, honestly. And yeah, I just felt like I really lost my spark there. And despite those red flags at the beginning, I remember genuinely being so excited to work there and loving it and being cool with the job and liking my co-workers. But by the end, I could hardly care less. Like I would come in late and take longer lunch breaks than I should have, you know, stuff like that. Like just really, you know, not showing up as my my best self. Um, yeah. And there's also something about like, at least the way I experienced it, it's like feeling like the only way I could kind of carry on, you know, would be if I just pretended that everything was okay. And I'm not really someone that can do that, and I don't necessarily think that's a good way to live anyway. Yeah, it just felt like I really would have had to like put on a facade. And yeah, because I but I think one of the problems with burnout is yes, your job isn't necessarily your whole life, but if you're feeling so drained by it, that kind of lack of joy and lack of spark and lack of passion can kind of permeate into everything else, right? So it's it's very tricky. It's very, very tricky. And, you know, in some ways I felt a little bit guilty because I thought there must be so many people out there that would just kill for this job. They'd love to be able to dress up and get on camera to interview rappers and other musicians, but I could not even muster even a little bit of enthusiasm. And I even had this one really embarrassing interview that like I was like average prepared for, but to be honest, it like I it wasn't an artist whose music I had listened to much. And like there was a part in the interview where like he started singing one of his songs, and like I couldn't say any of the lyrics, even though it's probably one of his like most well-known ones. Like, that's really embarrassing, you know. Granted, most artists don't put you on the spot like that. You know, they're usually just like happy to be interviewed, but still I was just like, this is not good. This is not good. Yeah, so at the time, outside of work, I was really diving into holistic health a ton because that's what really helped me, especially at the beginning of 2018, when I felt a little bit mentally unstable at the beginning of the year. Then I got an Ayurvedic consultation that completely changed my life. And so I was like, wow, yeah, holistic health, this is what we're gonna do. This is because this has just helped me so much. I just wanted to share it with other people. I think often like this kind of reminds me of Chiron in astrology, because Chiron is where we have our deepest wound. We all have a Chiron placement. It's like a comet asteroid thing, and we each have a Chiron placement. And wherever it is in our chart shows us where we have the biggest wound, but then also the deepest opportunity for healing and to share that medicine. And for me, my Chiron is in cancer, conjunct my son in the sixth house. So that really put the emphasis on I have a lot of like physical healing to do. My body is not necessarily naturally strong. And since that time, since 2018, I've gotten to the place where like I understand what I need, what my body needs, how to nurture myself. And so that's why at the time I was so excited to learn about that and share it with other people because it had benefited me so much. So yeah, it was like I was all about holistic health. I was making my own tea blends. I was already about a year into learning Ayurveda and applying it to my life. You can hear a little bit more about that in episode one. And yeah, because of all that, I naturally gravitated towards a more spiritual perspective on my life, which was very interesting. That led to the tarot choosing me, as I like to say, in 2018. And I started getting much more into astrology too. The whole story of my journey with Tarot is in episode four, if you're curious. So you can check out those earlier ones for more of the Bianca and Life Forces lore. So yeah, at the time as I was having this burnout, I was thinking that I really wanted to be an Ayurvedic practitioner and make my teas, which I called Bonka's Bruise. Um, I actually like made tea for my office and stuff and a couple other like local cafes at some point. And so what's cool is I was entitled to unemployment insurance in Germany because I'd been working at my full-time job for long enough. And they even had a program to help people start their own businesses. Like you could have a business coach that they would pay for, which was really cool, but it absolutely was not an easy breezy transition. It took me a while to sort out the paperwork, of course, all in German, and I had a complete breakdown, tears and all, in the doctor's office because I had to prove that I had quit my job during due to burnout, but I didn't go to the doctors right away. When I quit to tell them, so we had to do all this like backtracking stuff. Luckily, I had a really nice doctor, but I was still completely stressed out about it. Um, side note, honestly, so much of mental health stuff is bureaucracy, which is insane because when you're dealing with all this, you're the least motivated because you are just trying to do the bare minimum, and yet you have to do all this administrative stuff just to get help. It's crazy. Anyway, that's a whole other tangent. So yeah, I put in my notice in the summer, but I actually didn't stop working until November. So I had a few months where I was just kind of like coasting, and yeah, and it took me a while to kind of build things back. I think paradoxically, one thing that helped me a lot with this burnout was that COVID happened a few months after I stopped working that job, which is really crazy timing. That was a whole other thing, and even though it was a weird time, it actually like helped me grow immensely. And I understand with all this, like you can't always just quit your job and go all in on something new. And honestly, I wouldn't even recommend that. The point is if you're experiencing burnout or you just you know feel hopeless or like things need to change, you can always make tiny daily shifts to move your life in a direction that's actually meant for you. And another thing I want to say is it's not always easy creating your dream life. Like, uh, trust me, now that I have a child and more responsibilities and limited time in the day. I'm recording this as my daughter naps, and hopefully she won't wake up. It's not always easy creating your dream life, but it's much more rewarding than being miserable building someone else's. And that's how I felt at the end of my full-time job. That I'm like, I am contributing to someone else's big dream that I don't really care about. And also I felt like the company was going in a direction that I wasn't down for, and not to say that like working for people is inherently crappy because it's not. I still have a part-time job and I enjoy it and I feel like I'm contributing positively to the world. But yeah, you know, if you feel the call to do something different, you kind of have to answer it. But yeah, I kind of hinted at it before, but I want to reframe you know, burnout as it's a signal of misalignment on a soul level. It's a signal of spiritual misalignment. It's not really a personal failure, you know what I mean? Because I think anyway, a lot of things that we consider failure, I don't know, they're kind of not, or they're just like redirection. And most of the time it doesn't really matter. Most of the time it's not that serious in the grand scheme of things, let's say. But I want to, you know, talk about a couple points here that I may have already hinted at. And one is if you're not listening to your soul, your body will eventually find a way to scream at you. Meaning that's where we get the physical symptoms of burnout. But I don't think it starts with the physical thing of working too hard. I think for some people they do get burnt out because they're physically working too hard, but I think most of us probably don't necessarily have super physically demanding jobs. It's more mentally demanding, let's say. And you know, tying into that burnout is just not is not just being tired. It's often the beginning of a spiritual awakening, which is kind of scary because for me, it's like as it was happening, I felt like damn, I feel like my life is gonna change a lot, and I don't exactly know how, and that's really frightening, but I know I can't keep going like this, right? We have we experience burnout, I believe, when you're not listening to your soul's true desires, when you're ignoring the spirit, your spirit, the spiritual aspect of life. And I think even generally we experience certain illnesses when we're out of alignment or we're repressing our emotions or other things, that's a whole different conversation. But yeah, and so it took me a while, and it's kind of always an ongoing journey. But what helped me and what has helped me move, you know, from burnout to uh thriving and feeling good in my body and not getting to a point where I'm ever like completely, completely depleted is uh discovering my energetic blueprint, which for me is a combination of different things and different modalities. And this is what I you know share with my clients as well because it helped me, and I would say I started more on the astrology side of things. So for example, my sixth house is ruled by cancer, that's where my son is, that's where my Chiron is, my south node. Knowing that, I realized that what's better for me in terms of a work environment is something more cozy and nurturing, or that I can kind of control in a way and have flexibility with. Like going to an office was really hard for me, I realized in a lot of ways. Like, I like my private space. I don't really like uh open concept offices, especially for what I was doing, which is a like When I had to do long form writing, I would just always try to hide somewhere. Yeah. So that's one thing. You know, I learned about my mid-heaven, which is kind of like what you're meant to be publicly known for, you know, has to do with your career as well. I found out my mid-heavens in Sagittarius, which is very much this, you know, teacher kind of leader energy, which is part of what I've kind of come into. I've learned about my north node, which I've talked about on the podcast before, but it's really about like your destiny and what you're meant to be moving towards. And my north node is the opposite to my son. So it's in Capricorn, right? Very different from Cancer Energy. Cancer energy is very emotional, intuitive, nurturing, wants to go with the flow of things, whereas Capricorn is more about like structure and stability and taking responsibility. So, you know, I've had to learn to take responsibility for my shit. And the more I do that, the more I'm in sync with my energetic blueprint and therefore my energy and things flow better. If I stay too stuck in my cancer, need to be cozy, only doing things when I'm feeling like it, it just, it just doesn't work. And it actually makes things worse. And sometimes if I'd indulge my emotions or what I feel like doing too much, I would get sick, you know, or you know, I'd have to take time off and stuff like that. So learning that I need good structure too, right? It's it's a combination of like I like this coziness, but then I also need structure and discipline. Then once I learned about human design in 2020, that shifted so much for me. I learned about the five energy types. I learned that I'm a generator. I learned that I need to be lit up by what I'm doing. And part of why my burnout happened is I was no longer really at all lit up at my job. And I couldn't make it work and I couldn't figure out a way to like, you know, have that sacral, energetic life force excitement about my job. And with that, I also learned that my profile in human design is two four. The two is the hermit, the two really needs their alone time. And I think in my life I didn't really understand that about myself, especially like in my 20s. And now that I do, and when I do carve that alone time out for myself, that's part of how I really recharge. Also, like learning that I'm maybe more of an introvert than I thought is a huge thing too. Yeah, I think I'm more of an extroverted introvert or something like that. I don't know, or the other way around. I I wouldn't say I'm like super introvert, or but anyway, it doesn't matter. And then another thing is also living more harmoniously with my menstrual cycle. When I was still working at my full-time job, I liked working out. I liked going to the gym. But I was probably, you know, doing high-intensity stuff almost all month and not really honoring, like, okay, during my luteal phase, when I'm just about to get my period, I should slow down. I don't think I ever really did that. And I think that also didn't help me in terms of managing my energy. So yeah, the menstrual cycle stuff is not to be yeah, skipped over. So yeah, I hope me sharing more about this burnout time in my life has been helpful to you. Maybe you've resonated with some of it, and it's for this reason, you know, that I went through something like that, that I'm now where I am today. And, you know, how I've experimented, figured out over the last seven years the things that work when it comes to living a life that you love with energy and purpose and vitality with all that trial and error over the past seven years. You know, I've turned this entire journey into a six-week program, which I talked about a little bit on the episode on the last episode. It's called Relax Life Creator, but I'm going to tell you more about that soon. So, thank you so much for listening. If you're already curious, you can get on the wait list for Relax Life Creator. You can find the link in bio and got some other links in the show notes if you're curious. Thank you so much for listening. Really, really deeply appreciate it. It's cool that people care what I have to say. Um, because sometimes, you know, for people that create things, it feels like you're shouting into the void. Um, so I appreciate you. Thank you for subscribing, rating, reviewing, sharing it on social media with a friend. All that is super duper appreciated. And I will be back soon. I hope you're doing great. Love you.