Underdogs Bootstrappers Gamechangers

JUDGE LYNN TOLER: RELATIONSHIPS MAKE OR BREAK SUCCESS

• Tyler Uriah • Season 1 • Episode 14

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Prepare to be inspired by the incredible resilience and wisdom of Judge Lynn Toler, a trailblazer known for her impactful work on "Divorce Court" and "Marriage Boot Camp." We explore the remarkable story of her father, who, despite the odds stacked against him as a black man in a predominantly white industry, supported his family from the age of 13 with sheer determination. This episode is a tribute to underdogs and the power of turning life's challenges into triumphs, reminding us that success often blooms from the most unexpected places.

The conversation shifts to the critical role of supportive relationships in shaping resilient individuals, particularly young women navigating difficult circumstances. Through personal anecdotes and mentoring experiences, we underscore the importance of stepping in as a support system when traditional ones fail. We also tackle the evolving dynamics of modern relationships, emphasizing the need for genuine connections over superficial markers like status and wealth. Judge Lynn shares personal insights, highlighting how empathy and understanding can transform conflicts and enrich our lives.

Wrapping up, we celebrate the wisdom passed down through generations and the unexpected paths to finding purpose and success. Judge Lynn recounts the journey from television to writing, capturing the profound influence of her mother in her book "My Mother's Rules." We encourage listeners to cherish everyday moments of happiness and recognize that true success lies not in material achievements but in stories of resilience and the richness of shared experiences.

Join us as we amplify the voices of those who defy the odds, offering lessons on moving past victim mentality and embracing the empowering narratives of everyday heroes.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to underdogs, bootstrappers and game changers. This is for those of you that are starting with nothing and using business to change their stars, motivating people who disrupted industry standards. This is the real side of business. This isn't Shark Tank. My aim with this podcast is to take away some of the imaginary roadblocks that are out there. I want to help more underdogs, because underdogs are truly who change the world. This is part of our Content for Good initiative. All the proceeds from the monetization of this podcast will go to charitable causes. It's for the person that wants it. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Underdogs, bootstrappers and Game Changers. I get really excited when I have a friend here with me and my friend, judge Lynn Toler.

Speaker 2:

How are you, Tyler?

Speaker 1:

So good to have you here.

Speaker 2:

It's great to be here.

Speaker 1:

I like. And if you don't recognize Judge Lynn, then you haven't ever turned on morning or, excuse me, afternoon television.

Speaker 2:

Morning and afternoon for about 13 years I was on television on divorce court and another 10 years on marriage boot camp.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and you pretty much like. Anytime I'm like at a hotel or something and I happen to turn on the TV and it's like daytime television. I usually see you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it's funny. You know, I met Samuel L Jackson.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

And he looked at me and he said I don't like your new set, I don't like your new bailiff, but I still like you. And I said how do you know who I am? And he said actors spend 12 hours a day in their trailers waiting to do two hours of work. We flip a lot of channels. I've seen you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I know I mean. So if you're bored and flipping channels, I'm there for you.

Speaker 1:

Well, and I wanted to have you on because, as you know, I have an underdog audience and folks. Just so you know, if you're new to the show, like this is all for you. This is not for me, unfortunately, and not for my dear friend, the judge here. This is for you, we do this for you, you know, and so I try to bring in a story that I think is going to help you today. And Judge Lynn has so many, and luckily she's around here and she wants to start driving over here more.

Speaker 2:

Yes, I do because yes.

Speaker 1:

And so we're going to get to some today and I'm actually going to make her come back a couple of different times because, judge, I listen to your content, I hear your content, I see the impact it has, and I think you know one of my things in the world is more good messaging right.

Speaker 1:

Evil has no problem using the camera. You know, I love helping people with good voices use it too, and yours is one of them, and I see how helpful it is for people, and especially like underdogs, and yours is one of them, and I see how helpful it is for people, and especially like underdogs. And so, like today, um, I want to go into cause. I know quite a bit about you, um, and so I want to go a little bit about. We're going to go like historical family stuff for a little while, because I just think some of those stories are so interesting, and then we're going to uh, go from there into some of the things that I want to talk to you about and ask you about today, but this is going to end up being multiple episodes, I'm sure.

Speaker 2:

I'll come back whenever you instruct me to.

Speaker 1:

Your father, for instance. We've talked a little bit about him, really interesting guy, and I could go into a little bit, but I know you'll tell it so much better. Please tell me a little bit about your dad, so can.

Speaker 2:

it's, it's funny too, and I'm glad you asked me about my dad, cause I wrote a book about my mother in 2007, bragging about what a tremendous emotional, uh, how she was an emotional genius, emotional intelligence genius. She's born in 1919. Okay, he was the son of his father and my grandmother. My grandmother was born in 1886. She had gone to college by the time she had him, wow, and she had four sons. My father had an IQ of 150, and he was the dumbest one. The rest of them were.

Speaker 2:

So, I mean, I always believed that what God gives you in abundance on one side, he shorts you on the other. And so he got an abundance of IQ, but emotionally, that man was threadbare, as was all his brothers. But emotionally that man was threadbare, as was all his brothers. But he was just crazy enough not to allow the fact that he was a 5'2 black man born in the hills of West Virginia to stop him from taking over the world, which he certainly believed was his job to do. He used to work for the. He lived in coal mining country and he worked for the guy that owned the coal mines.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

And the guy that when he was 13, when he was young, because he was too old. So what he would? He would just run errands for the family, he would cook and he would buy. And he found out that the guy was an alcoholic and so he would pay my dad to slip him drinks, liquor, you know, and they were doing it for years. So he was getting money, he was going to the store buying their food and with the money that the guy, he was buying food for his family and he made him promise. He said, if I ever get caught, and he got caught. When he was around 17, he said you got to give me a job in the coal mines. And he did because my father was their sole support. My father, my grandfather, had had a multitude of strokes and he was bedridden and you know she just all you could do was turn him.

Speaker 1:

So he was the breadwinner at like 17? Oh at 13. 13? Oh yeah, my dad my grandfather.

Speaker 2:

He was much older.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And he had had a multitude of strokes by the time. Dad was 13 years old and his other brothers were too not together to work, so he was the one that had to do it and then when he started college he would do. I found this out. He never told me anything. I have to beg his friends, okay, and one lady told me he said he would do two weeks in the coal mine, two weeks in college, two weeks in the coal mine, two weeks in college. And then he got drafted and went to war and went to WW2. Okay, he ran an all-black unit whose job was mop-up, so he was in the Solomon Islands and the Japanese would dig tunnels and be down there.

Speaker 2:

And so after the main fighting was going, my father, they had flamethrowers on the back and they sent them in the holes after the Japanese with flamethrowers.

Speaker 2:

That was his job and he received the bronze star. He was very, very good and then one day he was an officer. He went in as a lieutenant because he scored so high on the exams. That's amazing. He wanted to go into the officer's club and they wouldn't let him. So Daddy beat the crap out of the next guy who came to the door and they were going to send him to Leavenworth. But they had a psychiatrist examine him and he came out saying he was manic depressive 2, which is bipolar now.

Speaker 2:

Yeah okay, and he got out on good charges. And then he took the GI Bill and went to college. No, he had already been to college and he took the GI Bill and went to law school in Ohio State. Huh, and he became a lawyer.

Speaker 1:

Okay, is that what you want to go into law?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely not.

Speaker 2:

I was supposed to be a doctor. My sister was supposed to be a doctor. I got to Harvard and decided it was a party school, which was clearly not the function. But I did it anyway and I partied for four years and senior year came around and, like you, got to have a certain amount of of science and biology and grades to get in there. And I said, oh crap, I don't have it. And I called Daddy up and he says I don't know what you're going to do, baby, but I'm going to stop sending you money the minute you stop learning things. So figure it out. So I ran and took the LSAT and I've always been really good at standardized testing. So I got into Penn Law and I went just so my father wouldn't cut me off.

Speaker 1:

What'd your sister end up doing?

Speaker 2:

She's a board certified neurologist.

Speaker 1:

She did the right thing, oh, the right thing. So you wish you would have went into medicine.

Speaker 2:

She did the thing we were supposed to do. Okay, I did the thing that I supposed to do. Okay, I did the thing that. I had to do at the time.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

But I always complain. I always contend that I am an accidental overachiever who has failed up ass backward all her life. I couldn't. I didn't have the. I had the. I didn't have the wherewithal to get the grades to get into medical school. I went to law school. I hated law school. I hated being a lawyer. I was so upset about being a lawyer. Somebody said, oh, why don't you run for judge? Which was just a crazy idea. It wasn't going to work. I was 33 years old. I had four stepchildren in the house. Who does that kind of thing? I was the only person of my party in the community, five to one. Nobody knew who I was and I won by six votes because my husband would not let me lose. What did he do to support you? He practically shut down his business.

Speaker 1:

He was an accountant.

Speaker 2:

Okay, and he's from Cleveland, which is where I was. Every friend he ever had for the 40 years that he known them, he called out every favor he could. My dad funded my campaign because Pops had it like that. Yeah, and he we almost got a divorce. He was like door to door, door to door, door to door, door to door every night and I had like a 10-month-old son.

Speaker 1:

He wanted you knocking door to door.

Speaker 2:

Every night and I had a 10-month-old son, so I had to get a basket and put him in there, and then I would go door to door, knocking on doors, and by the time the campaign came to a close, every time my son saw that thing he'd just start screaming because he hated it, because we were out all day long and I wasn't paying attention to you.

Speaker 1:

It was just a prop, you know, going around.

Speaker 2:

But I won by six votes. So every time he yelled at me about not doing my job, every time he told me I was too lackadaisical, I owe him Because he set me up there. Yeah, you know what I mean. And when the of course, the recount was very contentious because on election night I won by one vote.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And then recount said three and so they had everybody come in on the third recount. And the other guy that was there, you know he had his guys with him and the other guy's election, and I know he had his guys with him and the other guy's election. And I looked at Eric and he's and he says you don't want to go, do you? I said absolutely not. I am not interested in any aggressive male, dominated who you guys are going to fight over. What chat? You know they still had Chad, the hanging chads back then I'm not going. He said I wouldn't let you. If you wanted to. He took his buddies, went down there and apparently got a little aggressive, you know, but at the end of the day I won by six votes. He did that.

Speaker 1:

How much did that change your life?

Speaker 2:

A hundred percent. I mean a thousand percent. First of all, I loved being a judge, absolutely positively, adored it, had fun, had a good time. I couldn't get in early enough. I started programs. You know I can't help you if you're an 18-year-old girl with three kids and no high school diploma and you stealing, nothing I can do is going to help you Nothing. So what I decided to do was go out to a breakout school where there were a bunch of young girls that are in trouble 12, 13, 14. And it took me years to figure out just what size group I could handle. I could handle about seven of them, because they were wild and out and I would come every week. Well, you're gray, you went out with him again. You don't need that guy. Well, what did he say to you? And one day I walked around and I just hugged one young lady and then I went oh, I'm sorry, I didn't even ask permission because I'm a hugger, yeah. And she said nobody else does.

Speaker 2:

That's sad and so I kept it, I kept it and I would have a girl. She put somebody through a locker and they called me and I left the bench and I came over there and I was talking to her like yo, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up. And she said, um, I got raped by another one of my, my, my mother's, boyfriends. This is the second time. So I called my dad to see if I could go live with him and he said since it happened to you twice, you were the problem, you cannot come with me. Her, her mother, was the problem. Those guys were the problem.

Speaker 2:

She was 15. She lived there. They weren't taking care of her, but he didn't want to be bothered, so he blamed her and it just, it went through her like a knife and you know, we sat a long time and we talked. When we we got close, I went to her house. I would, we would go do stuff if she got good, great actually for all of them. I would either buy them flowers or take them out to lunch, give them lives, like I'm just interested in what you're doing. Yeah, uh, and they didn't have that and um, I was just there like Mama Junior. How'd she land? Interestingly enough, a couple of years later, she calls me at 11 o'clock at night and said my cousin just killed somebody and he's here. He wants me to let him in and I love him and he's all I really have. And I just don't know. And I said well, first of all, it's 11 o'clock at night, you called the judge and she answered. So he isn't all you have.

Speaker 2:

That's number one. And number two is do not let him in. It's not tell him to turn himself in. You can't save him. All you can do is get in jail with, go to prison with him, don't let him in. Tell him you love him. But I just talked to a judge. There's the only thing you can do is let him in. And I have one other girl, can I tell you?

Speaker 1:

one more story? Oh yeah, please.

Speaker 2:

You give me here, stop me talking. You're going to have to drag me out of here, but another young lady, and I didn't remember her at all.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And, like maybe six, seven years ago, I'm at the house and I get a knock on the door at the house here in Phoenix and I open the door and it's this young lady and she said oh my God, it is you. And I said, who are you? And she said I used to be one of your girls in Cleveland Heights. Wow, woman talk. I called it woman talk. And she goes, can I talk to you? So I said yeah, I didn't know her so I didn't let her in the house.

Speaker 2:

I sat outside with her and she said she told me the story about her husband who was abusive. She's got three kids with him. Not only does she have a restraining order on him, his side chick had a restraining order on him. He was that abusive so she's getting ready to go. She done, called her mama, she's getting ready to go.

Speaker 2:

And the guy says well, I'll let you have that job because she had had wanted a job and he didn't want her to work. And I said you know what that is. He's just trying to give you a little bit so you won't go, and then he's going to give you hell about having that job and you're going to be right back where you were. What does your mother want you to do? And she said she said come home. And I said why did you come and ask me? And she goes I don't know. I said, yeah, you do, cause you know I'm going to tell you the same thing. Your mama told you and you needed enough to get up and get on that plane. And I'm telling you go, yeah, I'm just telling you to go.

Speaker 1:

You know that's two types of support systems we've just talked about, right? Let me tell you what I mean. It's like in the beginning of our discussion you talked about your dad, you know being a support system and a driving force and believing in you.

Speaker 1:

And then you talked about your husband being a support system and a driving force and believing in you, and now you're that for other women which has been helpful for them. Yes, how do we? But then they had, they still had people in their life that were bringing them down Right and that's based on a lot of things really like in in your youth not having the right support systems. You know it's like how do you tell somebody out there right now? It's like especially and maybe it's not fair to say this, you know it's like it seems to be the demise of women quite often is the man.

Speaker 2:

The number one cause of death amongst pregnant women is the dude that did it to them. They kill them because it's a loss of control and you know, they gave us lethality charts for domestic violence on our bench. And if he says any of the following things, he's going to kill himself. He knows she's going to leave, she's pregnant. You can put anything that makes him seem like he's going to lose control. We know how lethal, we can guess how lethal he's going to be. And then I used to have domestic violence agencies in the courtroom on my DV days to get, because what happens is the woman will fall through the cracks Because she does this. I put him out of the house. It's two weeks, it gets better and then she kind of eases his way back in and I get the domestic violence groups on them right away so they have a source they may go back.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Even if it gets funky again. They've got source, process and procedure.

Speaker 1:

And that's what's just so crazy to me. It's like you can have the partner that pushes you to get that one extra vote and knock on the door and change your life, or you can choose the partner that's going to ruin your life, possibly do something horrible to you. You know, it's like what. What's your advice for young women on how to make that choice?

Speaker 2:

You know I, I my thing was, you gotta, you gotta know them, at least for a few years.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Because you gotta see them when they're down, when they're out, when they're sick, when they're tired. You gotta date them long enough, so they can't, you know, send their representative in, in, in, anymore.

Speaker 1:

Like I can be.

Speaker 2:

I can look like this cute every once in a while, but mostly I'd look.

Speaker 2:

I look pretty jacked up but. But. But if you live with me long enough, jacked up is what you'll see. And you have to see them sick. You have to see them angry. You got to watch the way they talk to the women in their family. You got to watch the way they talk about the other women in their lives. Do they blame people other people for? Do they blame others for their own errors? That is a huge central red flag for potential viewers.

Speaker 2:

And then you have to ask yourself what are the five things I really don't like about him? And if you don't know five things you don't like about him, you don't know him well enough, because there's five things not to like about everybody. And then you have to decide. And then you have to decide A, is it something that can accelerate? And B, if it stays the way it is, can I live with it long term? So if it's a temper, those things can accelerate. Yeah, and you got to see who he gets mad at and how mad he gets and what makes him angry. And if he cannot blame himself for his own mistakes, he's a guy to run from. Also, too much, too soon.

Speaker 2:

He meets you Monday, you date on Tuesday. He can't live without you on Wednesday. You got a problem on Thursday Because that rapid I got to be with you and I got to have you and I got to see where you are. It sounds romantic in the beginning, but it's really like uber controlling.

Speaker 1:

I think actually that's such amazing advice and insight. And you know it's like predominantly what I do here is I try to teach business, you know, to people that don't have the rich uncle to teach that to them. And so people are like well, tyler, we're talking about relationships today, but no, we're not. We're talking about support systems, and you know there's nobody out there that right now. You know you can talk about a board of directors. If you have a huge company, the people on the board are supposed to be the best at their arena in guiding the company and helping the CEO make decisions. Or we talk about, like the five people in your life who are the top five people in your life and I'll show you who you are, you know, sort of thing. Why don't we analyze your partner enough? You know?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because we're analyzing it based on all the wrong things you know at first. We analyzed based just if you look good.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Which was back in the day. I mean, I'm 65 now, but back in the day I didn't look too bad.

Speaker 1:

You still got to judge.

Speaker 2:

And you guys would overlook a lot of crazy, because they're just looking at you.

Speaker 1:

You know what I mean.

Speaker 2:

You would overlook a lot of crazy, but you know I like tall dudes. I vowed never to marry a guy under six feet. Now that is superficial, except if your daddy's 5'2", you're 5'1", your sister's 4'10" and your grandmother is 4'8".

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

If I had sons. I had to give them a shot at something. But we're looking, and especially these days, and I don't know it's a lot in black dating world and I don't know if it's like this in the white dating world.

Speaker 1:

I don't know much about dating in general, but let's go there Me either. I was married for 30, so I haven't dated since 1986.

Speaker 2:

So you know, I don't know anything.

Speaker 1:

I don't generally give dating advice on this show.

Speaker 2:

I'm just like you know, but it's all about. Are you high value? Are you an alpha male? Are you a beta male? Are you what kind of? Uh, you know it's really just a contract. What kind of what do you bring to the table? What do you bring to the table? It's gotten very superficial. Uh, they had this guy named samuel sam, samuel kevin samuels, and he used to give this you just tell women you're too, you'll never get anybody. It's become very adversarial, at least in the black, in some areas of the black community. But I even talked to my sons and other people and it's they're not looking for what we were looking for. Yeah, they want value and I wanted companionship. I think I'm not sure.

Speaker 1:

So now we're logical enough to think value. But are we also like, just because we have somebody that's valued high, does it mean they're the greatest support system? I love that. Your analogy came out today is like getting the extra vote because your husband helped you right, pushed you, supported you. You know it's like we're undervaluing that like the good support system. That doesn't mean he, she, has to be the CEO of a major company to have value. You know it's like there's not a major company to have value. You know it's like there's not. And that's why I really wanted to hit this home a little bit is because you know it's like that support system can drive you to unparalleled new things, can drive you to be a judge.

Speaker 2:

There is an almost 100-year-long longitudinal study that bears that out. It's the I think it's the Glick study from Harvard. It started in 1938. And in 1938, you know, madison, grant and Hitler and everybody all out there trying to we want to separate everything by race, and not only white good, black bad by race, and not only white good, black bad. It was like the Teutonic blue-eyed blonde-haired, then the middle Alpines and then the Mediterranean whites.

Speaker 2:

So, you're going to do those. And they had all of these ideas and so they were doing a study in 1938, and they wanted they thought that who you were genetically or your race determined how well you did. So they took a bunch of Harvard cats and, they talk, a bunch of poor guys from Boston and they started following them throughout their lives, I mean. And they were doing, they were testing their head size. As years went on, they gave him MRI, ct, studied him every week, just doom to doom to doom. Then they started adding women and blah blah, blah, blah blah. And there were five other studies that started based on that, and the one thing they found more than anything else that predicted was long healthy life and happiness and even better health and wellness, was the number and the depth of meaningful relationships you had in your life above everything, above your parents' money, above your schooling, above your intellect. And it was not like it wasn't close, it wasn't. You know it's a little bit beyond anything. It was that.

Speaker 1:

There's a great documentary called Happy that basically backs that up entirely too, and it has everything to do with family unity, feeling like belonged, feeling supported. That's why, if you get one thing out of this show today, it's make sure you like yes, have close connections, but that those close connections, you know and make sure they're meaningful.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and you know we do so much time on the internet.

Speaker 2:

Now you know we are aggregating everybody else's angst yeah by watching their sad stories and then we're trying to prove a point. You know well, I'm high value and I can get this guy and that guy. And they call this the anxious generation and that's part of the reason why they're so upset and anxious. They're comparing what kind I got, how much, how good I got, how much money I got, how pretty I am. And you know, is my guy an alpha guy and I don't date guys with under $100,000. My husband had four kids from his first wife. He had no money but he loved me, yeah. And look, I made more money now because I made a guy who made less than I did and was never going to make as much as I did, but he and I ended up doing quite well because he was the brother I needed.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

He couldn't have done it without me and I couldn't have done it without him. That's when you've hit the jackpot.

Speaker 1:

I know two guys in particular and their wives are about the most supportive people I've ever seen, you know, and it's like they have their own stuff going on. That's not to diminish the role you know it's like, but they are like. Their husbands are almost their hero. You know they're the ones out there Like any second they get. You can't they're bragging about that. You can't brag for yourself that way. You know it's like system. It's unbelievable what it's done for them.

Speaker 2:

Unbelievable, and it's everything, it's everything. I wasn't going to go TV, but they call me. Do you want to do a TV show? Heck? No, I just say no, you know what I mean? Nobody, you know, nobody believe.

Speaker 1:

You know that's when you need that you know it's like that that voice and you know that is your board of directors in one person that you care about more than anybody on the planet, and if that person is a bad advisor or trying to bring you down, or you can't do it you know you are in trouble, but if this cat he says you're the only person who doesn't know how smart you are he used to say that to me I would agree with that statement.

Speaker 2:

And I said yeah, but you know cause? I've been around people who can really think. I mean, you know, there was some people at. Harvard that were, like, you know, just blow your mind, but but uh anyway.

Speaker 1:

You know, it's always the people with the most to offer the world that are the greatest people that always have imposter syndrome. That's what I find over and over again, ain't that the truth.

Speaker 2:

You know it's like the opposite of the Dunning-Kruger effect. You know it's because people know so little they think the little that they know is all that there is to know, because they don't know the entire scope of it. I know a lot of different things, but I also know a lot of different people who know so much more than I do. And I know a lot of different things, but I also know a lot of different people who know so much more than I do, and I know all the books that I haven't read and I just, yeah, I feel like I'm faking it all the time.

Speaker 1:

It's a problem I've had because I've always been this little business guy open these little business companies and you know, in these days I'll get asked to go into some pretty big companies and at first, until I like, actually get in the mindset where I'm, like I'm just now, job focused, at first it's overwhelming. You know it's like here I am this little guy, this little fish, you know and like what am I doing? Yeah, what am I doing here? Why me? I'm not, I'm not a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you know that sort. And then I'll find something that no big accounting firm in the entire country had found. You know and like, and then like it's like so why were you being so hard on yourself? You know, it's like we all have talents and I find that some of the most talented people I know don't know the amount of talents they have.

Speaker 2:

I think that's very, very true. I think that is very, very true and I think that what the culture celebrates as talent is not necessarily celebrates, is not necessarily the talents that we should value. I know some people that are so chill and glacial and kind and loving. I think that has great, tremendous value. You can't upset them. You can't get them excited, that has value. Could you imagine if that was able to trickle out in the world that we're living in now, where people are getting shot?

Speaker 1:

You've been watching my videos judge. This is exactly how I feel. Can you imagine if we rewarded the world based on kindness, the kindness human, the planet was the most popular person? You know, it's like anger is a strong, powerful tool in my opinion, but the expression of anger in any way is a weakness.

Speaker 2:

My mother used to say when you get mad, you lose. Yeah, and anger is often an able imposter. It's more like fear and frustration, all dressed up in military garb, impersonating power.

Speaker 2:

Sure, it's not really power, it's you've lost control, yeah, but as the Bible said, anger is like a city broken into and left without walls. Anger is a. I have this huge thing about. You know you can be angry, yeah, but to what extent and to whom? And when and how can you stop? And is it? Is it? Sometimes you have to get angry. When it's dog came up, I get mad, yeah. Chase it, yeah, because that's how you do. You can't be, I get mad, but you can't control it. Often, when people get angry, they have simply lost control, as opposed to being regimented about it.

Speaker 1:

Look at how explosive gasoline is. Right. It's a powerful tool, right. It can drive an ambulance and save somebody's life. It can light somebody's house on fire, right. It's like that to me is what anger can do too If you're a little angry. This is just my opinion, I'm not a psychologist. It's like I use anger all the time. But I use it in the gym, right, you know, I'd use it to get some frustrations out. I use it to drive myself. I use it to my wake myself up at three o'clock in the morning and get some more work done. You know like I use anger productively. Anger out on somebody else Not at all.

Speaker 2:

And it never helps. No, no one says oh, you're really yelling at me, you must be right. No one does that. It often is off-putting. I figured this out. My mother told me One time I was on a bench oh, I think I told you, told in another podcast.

Speaker 2:

I shouldn't say it again. Huh, you can say it, okay. So my mother was here, yeah, was watching me sentence people and I yelled at this domestic violence guy and send him right and send him home. And she came back in the back afterwards. She says let me tell you what you, what you did wrong. And I said what'd I do wrong?

Speaker 2:

He said now that dude is thinking about that bitch he hit and that other bitch that sent him to jail. You just pissed him off more and you didn't do anything about it. He said what you should have done is talk to him about what happened from his point of view, and then you should have walked him into what he should have done and then told him why he would, why he was going to jail because, and how he can avoid it next time. I started using that. I said what'd she do? She said it annoyed you and she kept talking, didn't she? It kept talking, didn't she? And I said now let me tell you what went wrong, where you went wrong.

Speaker 2:

And by the time you're done, they're smiling. And I said so you're going to jail, right? Yeah, I get it Now. I didn't change him, I didn't make him an abuser, but I didn't make him matter. And I planted a seed and one of those seeds actually grew actually a few, because whenever you're a judge and you get a letter in a pencil, you know it's from prison, because they don't give them pens, and you open them. And he said you know, I heard what you said and I just don't want you to believe I didn't hear you. And he wrote me a long letter about how he got the way he was. But he says I just don't want you to think badly of me and I want you to know that I thought about what you said.

Speaker 1:

Look at the difference and actually I do remember. Actually, I think I saw that on a podcast and, like you know, we have a podcast for bullied kids.

Speaker 2:

Oh OK.

Speaker 1:

And it's amazing. You know, like one thing, I always worked in really low level jobs when I was a kid and you know, I never have been able to tolerate the abuse of, like the low level worker, right, the person. And sorry, it's low level is a bad term, but I had these jobs too. You know, it's like, uh, ringing up your groceries and then you see the person screaming at the person ringing up the groceries and, honestly, it's that person, you know, it's not the grocery ringer, you know. And so I don't have a big tolerance for this and so I will, like I'm pretty even demeanor, but I will step in and say that's not right. You know, in these scenarios, but through my bully podcast, like it was interesting, you know, I've always kind of been like that, and I happened to be at a protein store you know, and I'm watching this guy as I walk into the protein store.

Speaker 1:

they're making these drinks and he's screaming at the kid behind the counter. And you know, I had learned a lot about like trying to deal with these situations from dealing with the pulley podcast, and usually I would have just said something like hey, dude, not right, you know, or whatever. And so, like what I learned about was this like third party of reason, so to speak. And you know, like the sheep dog is actually one of the one of the ways we term it. That's the person that's kind of the, even in the middle watching out for people. You know, like protecting kind of thing. And uh, so I decided I'm not just going to confront the guy. What I'm going to do is he's mad because, like, apparently the made this shake wrong you know, and so uh.

Speaker 1:

So I'm like I'll tell you what. How much did the shake cost? And he's like six bucks. Here's the six bucks.

Speaker 1:

So now he leaves and you can tell he feels super sheepish you know and like, and he's not mad at me cause I didn't yell at him. He's not mad at the kid behind the counter anymore because he's realized he's being a jerk. The guy comes up to me that was in line. He goes. Thank you so much Cause I was going to have to punch that guy in the face. The kid from the behind the counter goes. Thank you so much because I couldn't say anything. You know and that came from. If I had confronted the guy and said something, he would have left angry. Instead he left. And that's what your story reminded me of so much, and that's why I'm trying to back it up is because you went at it in a way that changed him to the point he would write a letter to you.

Speaker 2:

Right and just made him think.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think that guy probably left thinking hey, I probably shouldn't have been that much of a jerk. Right, yeah, thinking, hey, you know, I probably shouldn't have been that much of a jerk.

Speaker 2:

Right. Yeah, it puts it in perspective. But if you meet them where they live, they think that they're right and they're going to fight you and all that kind of stuff, and if you meet them someplace else, you start where they are and you slowly walk them home. Oh, I know you upset, I said, but you know, you know you upset about it, I it. It ain't that serious people, it just isn't.

Speaker 1:

You know, something interesting to me that's dawned on me through this conversation is like you're like I made the mistake around medicine. You know it's like, but I don't think you've realized the amount of people you've been able to impact from the role you didn't think you wanted.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and that's why I call myself an accidental overachiever. I mean, I never was, you know, I did strong about the law and being it, but I was, I was, I loved being a judge and I thought I was a good judge. I won by 80% of the vote and when I when I ran for reelection because I worked, no more knocking on doors that time no more knocking on doors.

Speaker 1:

that time, huh no more knocking on doors.

Speaker 2:

It was like you know. I called every principal of every school and I said look, I know what's on the civics test that each level has to pass, and I've made a course for each one One for elementary, one for junior and one for high school. And none of the junior high schools didn't do it, but the other ones didn't. I sewed up a little robe for them to wear and I had them come in and do a trial. They'll never forget what a prosecutor is, or this or that or the other, because they've acted it out and it was just a way to become a part of the community. Because I believe you know, as a judge, you just, you just doing, mop up, it's too little, too late, you ain't fixing, you ain't helping nobody. Well, you are getting, you know, domestic violence, people put away, putting away dangerous people and stuff, but it's the damage has already been done and I would like to be able to, you know, to stop the damage before it happens. And you can't do it from up there.

Speaker 2:

Can people change? They can. It's very, very difficult. They have to have a very, very good reason to do so. I've seen it. I've seen it. I had a young lady. I must've had a bad day, cause I was at the grocery store buying chocolate cake. That's what I do too.

Speaker 2:

It was at the bakery with chocolate cake and this lady came up to me and she had a little girl in her hand and she says hi, judge. I said hi and she says I know you don't know me, but three years ago, when she was a baby in my arms, you, I, had a domestic violence case and you called us both up and you talked to us for a really, really long time and you talked to him for a long time. Then you made him do a program and he said she, things aren't perfect, but they are 80% better. And I want to say thank you.

Speaker 1:

No kidding, still about to cook a cupcake, but that made my day that you know, I tell people all the time because then, like, they get into podcasting and things like that and you know, um, and they'll ask me, you know, because it's like, well, you're usually not going to have a overnight success show, you got to put time in, and it's like we don't realize. It's like when you see those little click counts on Instagram and things like that, those are people right. It's like so somebody will be like oh, I only got a hundred views or something like that. That's a hundred people. That's a hundred people. And I know you had to have gotten this too. I've gotten messages before that said you said something last week and that's the reason I'm still on this planet today. It's like I think we highly undervalue the impact of having one person.

Speaker 2:

One person and my one person is Ruthie, and she did, you know, and I remember she was following me and we and she said something really mean to me at one point. I remember she was following me and she said something really mean to me at one point and we kind of got into it and then I kind of we worked through it, and then she bought my book, my Mother's Rules, Okay, and then we've been buddies ever since.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

You know what I mean. She was like I was. I guess the bus ticket was the the bus ticket, I guess that was a suicide concept or group. You know you get let's, buy her bus tickets and go let's. And she says I was getting the bus ticket and and and your book made me not do that, gosh. And now when she's upset about something, she always emails me and I just help her out and I love her. She's so sweet, you know.

Speaker 1:

So See, even if you wrote the book for no other reason than that, how worth it is, how worth it was it right? There's so many people out there sitting there right now and it's like, well, I didn't make that video because it's only going to get 10 hits, or I didn't write that book because you know it's not going to sell a million copies, or I'm afraid to start the business Cause I don't know what I'm doing or whatever. And it's like people need to like work in the micro first. If you work in the micro, that like one person, that one thought, that one instinct, that one thing that you're going to do, the bigger approach comes, in my opinion.

Speaker 2:

The funny thing about that book is, uh, the bench to do TV. My first show was called Power of Attorney. It only lasted four months, okay, and you know I had a six-year term. And my husband said, well, what you should ask for in negotiations is you want them to pay out your six-year term if the show goes away? And I said I cannot do that. And you know my husband, yeah, you can Do it. And they said I cannot do that. And you know my husband, yeah, you can do it. And they did, yeah. So I spent five years at home. The show lasted four months and I spent five years at home collecting my, collecting from Fox what I would have been paid.

Speaker 1:

Wow.

Speaker 2:

My judicial salary. So that's when I wrote that book. And the only reason I wrote it is because I wanted my mother to know how much she influenced me and how what she told me authored my best moments on the bench. That's beautiful, and so I took it, you know, and the rules and the thing it was called my mother's Rules, and I did it for her and I did it because I want. I was going, I just wanted it published. I didn't want anybody to, I didn't care if anybody bought it because I was.

Speaker 2:

I was just a check it on and somebody did me a favor, got me. I got rejected 57 times from 57 publishers and a buddy of buddy of mine. He had a publisher friend, a small independent thing, he got it to take it. He took it. He blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and he said once I went on TV that book saved his business. Wow, because I sold so many from that, doing something I had never intended to do. You know what I mean. So it just happened to be there.

Speaker 1:

Did your mom ever get to read the book?

Speaker 2:

She never read the book.

Speaker 1:

She knew existed. She knew it, oh yeah.

Speaker 2:

She knew existed. I've read her bits and pieces of it. Okay, but she can't, because why? It's too?

Speaker 1:

she has in podster syndrome too.

Speaker 2:

No, she just she lived it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

You know, we had it. My father, though brilliant and and and and loving and caring was bipolar, yeah, so that was a lot of work, sure, and there was a lot of stress behind it and a lot of difficulty, and I talked about all that in the book, yeah, and how she used to have to manage him. I remember if he got mad and we had to run out of the house. We used to go to the drive-in movies because that was back in the day.

Speaker 2:

We always had blankets and pillows in the car, and then we would come back home and we'd walk around the side of my house. Mom would put me on her shoulders and I would look in, and if he was in bed, we could go in. If he wasn't there, we had to find someplace else to go. That's how our lives were for years. Wow, and he was a good man. Yeah, god made him crazy. He didn't choose that, yeah, and he didn't feel good about it and he didn't have any medication. I just want to make that clear.

Speaker 2:

Yeah any medication. I just want to make that clear. Yeah, Cause people say things about him. When I say that about him and it and it makes me angry.

Speaker 1:

Well, and this is before, we were probably learning to diagnose him.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know but you just just saying. You know I said something about him on the breakfast club and people say she doesn't know she was in an abusive relationship. I know who I was and I know where I was. I was there and I'm not stupid. So and I forgot what I was. I was there and I'm not stupid and I forgot what I was talking about. I got so mad about people talking about my daddy.

Speaker 1:

We were talking about mom's book.

Speaker 2:

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she just really really couldn't read it. And like a couple of Christmases before she died I did a seven volume picture book of her life and it took her two months before she could read it because it was just she'd lived a lot.

Speaker 2:

No kidding and it was. It's very. She's one of the most loving, genuinely kind people that I've ever met and she did what she did. She loved him throughout. He had a couple of strokes towards the end that made him that was her God stroke, because for the last five years of life he was just pleasant because of the stroke hit him somewhere in his brain and he was just cool. He's laughing.

Speaker 1:

No kidding.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, five years he couldn't work, but they would go out and get dairy clean and you know, this is she got.

Speaker 1:

she got her reward you know, that's one of the bigger things that I worry about these days is this like the older generation doesn't really know how to use the camera, you know, and that's where all the wisdom is right. It's like you put took all that wisdom and you put it into a book. Otherwise your mom's wisdom would have been gone. Yeah and so, and that's why it's like, you know, when, when you think about your podcast and stuff like that, I hope you think a little bit more about. Like this is wisdom that need to be, needs to be in the world. You know it's.

Speaker 1:

There's a 20 year old kid that's making a bunch of content out there right now. There's a 20 year old kid that's making a bunch of content out there right now. There's a 20 year old kid right now that's teaching, teaching people a lot about life, and all the wisdom is being lost because the older generation doesn't know how to use the camera. You know, wow, and when you think about it that way, it's like I implore more people to share, I implore more people to write, or implore more wisdom to be put out there in the world. Because it's like, you know, let's face it, when I was 20 years old, when you were 20 years old, we were probably not handing out the best advice.

Speaker 2:

Not at all.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Oh listen, if I met my 20-year-old self today, I probably wouldn't even like her. I mean, you know that chick was crazy.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I think about it too.

Speaker 2:

You know, she did some stuff that. I could not appreciate and the other reason that that is so important is that there is so much disinformation out now. I mean with AI and all these, and if you watch TikTok they'll have somebody explaining something and you realize they don't know what they're talking about Totally, or there's a voiceover. I mean you can't trust anything anymore.

Speaker 1:

This is one of the reasons I started this podcast and started doing social media because, like, fitness is a passion of mine. I have a degree in biochemistry. You know like I've backed that up with that. You know, like, business is a passion of mine. I have an MBA and years and years in business. You know it's like and when I would get online I know a lot about these topics I would see things that were in fitness that were dangerous and unfair and not true in business Unf. See things that were in fitness that were dangerous and unfair and not true in business unfair, untrue. We'll get you sued, get you audited. You know all these different things and it's like more people need to be just out there like actually giving good knowledge, good information, not their advising.

Speaker 2:

But the problem is all that ratchetness is more fun.

Speaker 1:

You ain't kidding. And then here's the biggest problem there's more of it out there than there ever has, and so in some ways, that's such a good thing. You know, it's like you're not starting from zero, but you could be starting from negative, because if you hear the wrong advice, that's going to start you backwards.

Speaker 2:

And not only that there are. You know, stupid is no longer locally contained. Remember when you used to get in trouble with the people around your house because those are the only people you were dealing with and people who had your phone number. Now you can act a fool with somebody in Austria, australia, you know everywhere and there's enough people with bad ideas. You know, when you have a bad idea in a community and nobody else agrees with you, you're limited in how much damage you can do. But now we can group up.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we can find somebody else with the same bad idea.

Speaker 2:

Same bad ideas and we aggregate them and then you create a little. You know, you create that echo chamber and it gets louder and louder, and louder and louder and you believe more and more and more about what's in there and less and less about anything that's out there. And it's. You know. I used to wonder how the dark ages happened.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

How did we lose all that knowledge? I mean no kidding. You know, the Arabs had the skies all mapped out, yeah. And next thing, you know, you know we're burning witches and this, that and the other thing. And I read a couple of books on it and I was like, okay, I get it, I get it, I get it, but whew, I'm afraid of the deep stupid that is happening based on all the I mean flat earth.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean the moon landing didn't happen and I don't know.

Speaker 2:

And they're finding those crowds that believe the same thing, that are now bolstering that in their mind. And that's if they have evidence and they have. You know, the fact that when there's a solar eclipse, it doesn't look like this means the world ain't flat, but okay you know, and that's that's what I think it's hard for the younger generation now.

Speaker 1:

It's like how do you vet it right if there seems to be a convincing video out there, and it's usually the salacious one too, the one that's, it's a fun one right. Because nobody wants to hear that business is hard, life is hard. Choose a partner not based on the beautiful blonde, flowing hair You're going to have to grind for 10 years before you get what you want.

Speaker 2:

You're not going to get it today. Nobody wants to hear that Nobody wants to hear that. And then I mean Walter Cronkite. You could trust that dude.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Because only one dude could have that job. There were three guys that had those jobs in the three networks, yeah, and you had to be vetted, you had to be good, you had to report. Now anybody with a platform and an opinion could claim they're an expert, and it's frightening to me.

Speaker 1:

It's absolutely frightening. You know, when I first started helping businesses do a lot of pro bono consulting, it was more like they just didn't know right, just like me when I first started Didn't know, you know, like weren't totally aware of accounting, marketing, that sort of stuff. It was just they didn't know they needed some help in that direction. Now it's actually the biggest problem, I see, is they're aware enough to know they need help. The problem is they don't know who to get help from.

Speaker 1:

And most of the time when they're getting help from somebody, it's a nefarious being that doesn't know what they're doing and charging them a bunch of money and it's ruining, it's taking them actually backwards, Right. That is the biggest problem I think in society today is like if you don't know anything about the subject, it's very easy to get taken advantage of.

Speaker 2:

And the thing that is trippy to me is if I hear something really interesting, I go find a book on it. Yeah, and I find a couple. I have to read a minimum of three on any subject, especially if it's a controversial subject.

Speaker 1:

Smart.

Speaker 2:

One from the left, one from the right and one from someone who claims their objective. Yeah, one from the left, one for the right and one from someone who claims their objective yeah, you know, and then I tied together the threads that make it all the way through all the books and try to figure it out. But people don't want to read a book.

Speaker 1:

No, more folks, and that's the way you should do it.

Speaker 2:

You know, it's like you find one side, you find the other side, you find supposedly the middle guy and then you just, you know, you just keep, yeah, you know so, and you don't know when you've collected, you've seen it all You're. So everybody has the ability to see what's in front of them and what they're immersed in. So a community think all women are A, b and C. No, it's the women on your block that are A.

Speaker 2:

B and C. Sure, All of the women on your block happen to be A, B and C, but all women aren't A, B and C. Sure, All of the women on your block happen to be A, B and C, yeah, but all women aren't A, B and C.

Speaker 1:

I read a stat recently that only 10% of the men on dating apps are actually the ones getting dates I heard that too. And so the other 90% aren't even able to get a date. So all the women are saying, oh, we only deal with these jerk guys that are womanizing and stuff like that, but they're only dating the 10%, they're all dating the same guy, basically.

Speaker 2:

Right, and he can do anything he wants to, because he's getting another date every night.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Every night.

Speaker 1:

You know, and that's I know, we focused a little bit today on relationships because I think it's so important, it's something I think a lot about these days. You know it's like that partner in somebody's life man, woman, whatever, it doesn't matter you know husband, wife, you know it's like that partner I've noticed is like the key to so much success.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it is, and the key to being happy.

Speaker 1:

That too.

Speaker 2:

I think part of the thing is we have so many images of success that we are bombarded with on a daily basis because of this and everybody's taking pictures and putting filters on and blah, blah, blah, blah and gorgeous, and you're chasing that thing, which doesn't make you happy, but that studies that show. The thing that makes you happy is when the screen is off and when you're sitting down with somebody you care about. Y'all just shooting a breeze. That will make you happy when you have that. Or I know my husband are going to go out and I am going to have a cup of coffee in the front yard every morning. That is success.

Speaker 1:

We never know how a good a moment is in that moment and that's the saddest part about it Sad, sad, sad. It's only in reflection and I bring this up sometimes, but I want to bolster your point a little bit. You know it's like did you ever see that movie, happy Gilmore?

Speaker 2:

I know it with the guy with the yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I haven't seen it, but there's this part in the and so, to be good at putting the guys, his coach is always telling him think of your happy place. What's your happy place look like? Imagine that, and if you watch the show, you've heard me say this before. But uh, so think of your happy place, right. And then he thinks of, like, beautiful woman bringing him beer and he loved his grandma, so his grandma's they're happy, right, that's his happy place.

Speaker 1:

And I tell people now, do that, but think of your success. Close your eyes right now, what does success look like for you? And if you're picturing the Ferrari, the big house, if you didn't picture once the family member, the cup of coffee, it's like you've actually been sold the marketing image of success and life and success, in my opinion, is all about alignment. You have to direct all these multiple things to alignment towards a goal, right? So now, let's say, your version of success is that All life is now driven towards that and you missed all the stuff. That was the happiness, the real success, the real change, going out playing pickleball.

Speaker 2:

I remember I had a horrible part in life where difficulties in my family were going on and I started playing tennis six to ten hours a week and it was just wonderful. I could hit the ball and my tennis teacher she was a mother too, so we would talk and then we would hit the ball some more and hit the ball some more. That was wonderful. Just to be able to, that was the joy of my life. I've never I'm not going to play tennis professionally but I'm hitting that ball and I'm running and it's sunny outside and she and I laugh a lot, you know. So that's what life is. Life is not. It's not, you know.

Speaker 1:

That's where I think we get lost sometimes.

Speaker 2:

Being a boss, bitch or anything.

Speaker 1:

I mean that's where we see the social media posts. That has the guy in the Ferrari and we figure he has it all and, yes, have the Ferrari, have your success. If your success has given you the Ferrari and you got there and that's what you wanted, great, enjoy it. But don't just drive towards those things. Realize there's more in life, Like, like the judge is saying, a cup of coffee with your partner and somebody you care about and somebody that's went through thick and thin and pushed you to get the extra vote.

Speaker 2:

Oh, you know, or I would say something. I would say something to him. I come in and say you know what happened today, baby what? And I said, and I said he goes. Did you get excited about it? I said no, and he goes, you have evolved. I said haven't I? You have evolved.

Speaker 1:

Oh, I super enjoyed the conversation, as I always do. We're going to have to come back again at some point on another topic because I just think you're so good for the underdogs. I really do. I think what you do is amazing. I think who you do is amazing.

Speaker 2:

I think who you are is amazing, and I think both my parents were big time underdogs and turned that into big time success. I mean, she was born in 1930, spent time in an orphanage because her mother couldn't feed her. Wow, father was, you know, didn't have an inside toilet until he went to. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1:

It's amazing.

Speaker 2:

And they and they have a daughter. One is a board certified neurologist and another one. Well, she's retired now. She ain't working, but she was a judge at one point. She did okay.

Speaker 1:

She did great. Both of you guys did amazing. So now you guys, you're a true success story, judge, and I know your, your heart, and I love giving people with a good heart. Like part of my platform, you know, like I think part of my mission these days is to help good, amazing people promote their voice even more.

Speaker 2:

And you're good at it too, because, truth be told, I've been dragging my feet on my, my podcast and my man is not letting it happen, and I appreciate it.

Speaker 1:

Your voice is too good for the world. You're helping too many people Like I've. I'm here to uh push you into it, and so we're going to come back next time. I guess I'm going to have you back again, folks. And um, we're going to talk about next time victim mentality. Okay, cool, because I think it's so important. It's like look at what your dad was able to do, Look at what your mom was able to do.

Speaker 2:

And I will tell you a great story about when I tried to be a victim once and they wouldn't let me.

Speaker 1:

You're going to have to stay tuned to that, folks, and once again, thank you for joining me for another episode of Underdogs, bootstrappers, game Changers, judge Lynn, she's got Feeling on Purpose, an amazing podcast which she's going to continue to do every other week, and we'll be back soon. Thanks for waiting. Bye, hello and welcome to Underdogs, bootstrappers and Game Changers. This is for those of you that are starting with nothing. Hello and welcome to underdogs, bootstrappers and game changers. This is for those of you that are starting with nothing and using business to change their stars, motivating people who disrupted industry standards. This is the real side of business. This isn't Shark Tank. My aim with this podcast is to take away some of the imaginary roadblocks that are out there. I want to help more underdogs, because underdogs are truly who change the world. This is part of our Content for Good initiative. All the proceeds from the monetization of this podcast will go to charitable causes. It's for the person that wants it.

People on this episode

Contributor

Tyler Copenhaver-Heath

Host