Mental Wellness During the Summer Months

While the summer months often provide great opportunities for family members to connect with each other, they may also introduce some challenges to family wellness. In today's episode, we speak with Lorri Perez, Senior Program Director for the Child and Family Strengthening Center at FCS, about how to handle summertime situations such as vacation stress, adolescent screen time, expectation management, and even the occasional guilt feelings parents can experience in interacting (or not interacting) with their kids during long summer days.

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Transcript

Lorri: [00:00:00] We can still love them and then also be. irritated. But as a parent, the biggest thing that you can also do to manage your own stress is to be in control of yourself. And if you have to take a break or you have to call somebody and get some help, then that's what you need to do.
Chris: Hello, and welcome to the OK State of Mind podcast from Family and Children's Services. I'm Chris Posey, and I'm here with my cohost, Rachel Roberts.
Do you find that the stress levels between you and your children or you and your parents seem to escalate during the summer months? Today our guest is Lorri Perez. She's a senior program director here at FCS. She's been here for more than 20 years and today she'll be sharing lots of practical insights on how families can manage summertime stress.
So with that, let's talk to Lorri. Lorri, can you tell us a little bit about what you do here? 
Lorri: Uh, yes, so I'm the Senior Program Director for the Child and Family Strengthening Center, which is basically the clinic [00:01:00] based outpatient services for children and also some adults, basically adults who have anxiety, depression that don't qualify for other services here at Family and Children's. So we're kind of the safety net for those adults. I'm also over the Oklahoma Healthy Transitions Initiative, which is for , young adults, ages 16 to 25. And I'm over Maternal Mental Health. Um, I believe you all have Leah on a while ago.
And I'm also over our parenting classes that we call Family Life Education here at Family and Children's and a little court program and some child support enforcement. 
Chris: man, So you stay busy. 
Lorri: I do. Not busy at all. No, I don't have anything to do. I just kind of sit around. 
Chris: Well, we're moving into summer here.
We're a couple of weeks into summer officially, although in Oklahoma. It seems like it's been two months. Yes. And so as, as the temperatures are rising, I know that the stress levels are rising in families. And that's really what we want to talk about [00:02:00] today is kind of managing that stress level within families between parents and children.
 To start out with, can you give us an idea of how prevalent elevated stress is among parents during the summer months? Are you seeing a lot of that? What are the patterns that you notice there? 
Lorri: So, it depends on kind of the population that you work in. Working in like, um, lower socioeconomic, there, there's increased stress with economic stuff, too, because you're having to provide, like, all this food and stuff for your kids.
But if you think about it from just an overall perspective, parents have basically lost their childcare. And so now you're trying to figure out how you go to work or how you do all the things you need to do at home. And now you have the kids with you. And that is extra stressful. Routines also get disrupted, which makes for higher stress for everyone, and it's just, They have the kids running around and you have the kids eating , you know, like the old saying or [00:03:00] like old people say like eating you out of house and home and stuff and actually I just experienced that with my friend. She has a daughter and then two other kids have been like staying with her the majority of the summer.
She's done nothing but run them around. They're teenagers. They've eaten all the food. And that makes her more stressed. Like she's used to having one kid and then now you've added on two others. So you also think about that too. So of course stress is going to be higher. Because all your stuff is just blown out of the water.
Chris: Yeah, a lot of contributing factors there. Yes. So, the parents may be feeling a little stressed, and that might cause some guilt for them, because they're thinking to themselves, here I have time to cherish with my child, but they're getting a little tense, and things are becoming intense at home 
Rachel: and there's also the other hand, you know, going to work and not having that time with kids, and I feel like That could also cause some guilt, some anxiety, some stress.
Can you talk about that? 
Lorri: Yes. So, [00:04:00] you know, the, the thing is, is like humans are complicated, right? And just cause we really, really love someone, it doesn't mean that being around them 24 seven or whenever it changes how much we're around them, it doesn't mean that we're bad. Like it means that we're human.
We can still love them and then also be. irritated. And it is really difficult whenever you have to just leave your kids at home and you're worried about all the things that they're doing while you're gone. And so a good thing to do with that is it's always good with kids to set up expectations from the very beginning.
Kids do really well with routine and structure and since the summer has already thrown off that routine and structure, you want to try to put some in there and you want to lay down your expectations. So it might even be good as like a whole family to talk in the beginning of the summer about what expectations are.
And that even goes for screen time. I mean, even goes for things that you know [00:05:00] that you can't really enforce whenever you are at work and they're at home. But just laying down those expectations and kind of having a plan, that really helps kids. That doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to really enjoy that extra time all the time that you have with your kids. But as a parent, the biggest thing that you can also do to manage your own stress is to be in control of yourself because you're the only one that you can control still. And if you have to take a minute and if you have to take a break or you have to call somebody and get some help, then that's what you need to do.
Chris: Yeah. I like that idea of kind of, Presenting expectations and even having like a a family meeting at the beginning of the summer to say, Hey, look, this is how things are going to be. And, you know, here's what here's what I expect. And here's what you had the freedom to do. And that sort of thing. I remember when I was a kid, my parents worked, you know, during the day, and so my mother would leave [00:06:00] me a list on the table whenever she would go to work, and it was kind of like what I had to do today, and it was, you know, as a kid, it was annoying, but , it also freed me a little bit because I would take care of what I needed to get taken care of, and then my time was my own.
Lorri: Right. And that's a really great example, actually, because at each stage of development kids need to be able to have some control of their environment. And so the way of like, she gave you a list. She didn't say when all this stuff has to be done. You have the day to get it done and you also have the day to do some fun things.
It's your decision how you get that done. Do you want to do it like at the very beginning and then you go out and play? Yeah. Do you want to go out and play or do whatever and then rush and do it at the very end? 
Chris: Right. 
Lorri: That's, I mean, that's fine, you know, because you're a kid. And so those are the kinds of things that can also help kids to learn about making their own decisions using [00:07:00] their time.
, I also think it's really important to say we've gotten into such a, pattern in the world of like every bit of a kid's time is taken up with some sort of activity. And we're starting to learn that's not really the best for kids. Kids need to be bored sometimes. Kids need to be in that place where they have to have some time to play and have imagination and have some creativity.
Lorri: They hate it, but that is what a growing mind has to have. So, you'll get stressed as a parent hearing I'm bored and hearing all of these other things, but keep in mind that's just another way of like where you're growing your kid. And if you have to take your time and go and take a break while they're complaining about being bored, Then you find a place to do that because it is important for their development because it really doesn't matter the age.
They need some kind of play and they need some kind of like free activity. 
Rachel: And you mentioned this [00:08:00] earlier, but, you know, screens, iPads, tablets, all of that is so big right now. I mean, every time I go out to a restaurant, It seems like there's a kid on a tablet. Can you talk about that? Like, is there a benefit to screen time?
How do we limit screen time? What do you see in that world? 
Lorri: So That, I mean, I even went ahead and looked at some stuff just in general before I came on here from a really great site that we actually use all the time and recommend to parents, which is the Child Mind Institute. They have all things about mental health, parenting.
It's a great site. and you know, they really don't have on there that there are benefits to screen time, but the truth is, is like, this is where we live. Kids are going to have screens. They're going to be on social media. They are going to have access to all of this. So you set up your expectations for that.
And you talk to your kids about the safety, which there are all kinds of things that you can access online, about safety online. [00:09:00] And you even have conversations with your kids about the stuff that's very embarrassing as a parent, but about like taking nude pictures, sending sexually explicit texts, all of these things that especially you can't monitor whenever they're at home during the summer.
It's very important to have a very clear conversation with your kid about those things, even though it makes you uncomfortable. Some of those sites even give you like little scripts and things. It's important to just talk about it and to decide How much screen time is appropriate, but also as adults, we have to model that, right?
And we often will be on our phones whenever we're spending time with kids or other loved ones. And that is not okay either, because whenever we start talking about how much time you spend with people, we don't get a lot of time with kids, and so parents need to be off their phone, too, to encourage the kids to be off of their phones.
[00:10:00] And there might be places in the house where the phones are not allowed. You can look up on Child Mind that there are specific time limits for screen time for certain ages. And that can be one of those conversations that you have at the beginning of the summer about expectations about screen time.
Chris: Yeah. know, over the summer, one thing that many people do is they, they take vacations. So, this should be a stress free time. It should be a fun time and a happy time. But it's not always. How can parents and their kids work together, like maybe even in a planning process and definitely as the vacation is taking place to kind of manage stress in what should be a fun and memorable experience?
Lorri: So first of all, we go back to managing expectations. A lot of the times adults build up in their mind that they're gonna have like this spectacular family vacation, right? It's the it's the family vacation piece Like you see on the Griswolds [00:11:00] thing. Like, like he has all these expectations, right? Yeah.
Like this dream thing. Okay, that, that is not how life is. Because we get into arguments and we get stressed. Right? . 
And society has us believe, once again let's go back to social media, society has us believe that these people are out there with like their three year old at Disney in the hundred degree heat and the kid has like their hair fixed and they have the mouse ears on and they look beautiful.
Mm hmm. Okay. Mm hmm. I think that's not reality, but we still build that up. So the first piece is managing your expectations about what you expect. There is going to be stress. Any kind of traveling is going to have stress, flying, driving, anything, especially if you have multiple people. And also if you're taking, think about the developmental, the age of each person that you're taking on the trip and about how much they can handle.
If you've got a toddler, you're probably going to have to go back to the hotel [00:12:00] room and do naps. Everybody may need a break in the middle of the day because even teenagers need a lot of sleep, too. We forget that teenagers actually need tons of sleep once they hit those teenage years. Everybody might need a little break to go and relax and then go back out and do some fun activities.
Chris: Yeah. 
Lorri: But manage your expectation, especially for the people that you are with. If I know that you don't do well in the afternoons, I shouldn't expect on a vacation that we're going to have a good time in the afternoon. 
Chris: Don't plan the Mickey Mouse meet and greet at 2 p. m. No. Yeah. 
Lorri: No. And I will tell you too, like.
me and my husband once went to Disney World, just, you know, no kids, nothing. And we're like all smiling, walking through there and there are just the parents that are just dragging and the kids are screaming and all the things. And some of them were out at like nine o'clock at night and I'm like, where are the expectations?
Yeah. Like it was hot today. [00:13:00] When did you go back and take a rest? And it's because you, you just feel that pressure, I think of like. It should be beautiful, it should be stress free, and that's just not how it is. Like, you can have some really great times, but just know who you're with. And you do know who you're with.
And one day, those will be like funny things, so even if something gets messed up, those are probably going to be things that you remember as a family too. Oh yeah. So you're building those memories anyway. Mm hmm.
Rachel: So Laurie what support is available for parents who may be experiencing stress anxiety guilt all the things that we've discussed during these summer months 
Lorri: the first thing that's important to remember is to reach out for help from the supports that you already have.
You can even think outside the box, like maybe you have a group of friends and maybe like even one evening a week, everybody gets together to split kind of the child care duties so that you can have some relaxation. [00:14:00] Or maybe you have a parent that you know from school or a child sports team or musical stuff And you all can split some of the duties sometime if you're feeling especially stressed We just don't tend to reach out for help and that's the biggest thing like we feel guilt about reaching out for help Because once again, we're supposed to be enjoying all of this time, but I would 99 percent guarantee you I would be so shocked if you reached out for help and somebody didn't say I really could use some help too like, I'm feeling really stressed, but I feel like that I would like somebody would think bad of me if I asked for help.
 So there's reaching out just for the help that you already have, but then also. I mean, obviously you can connect to mental health services, you know, and, and if you're having extra stress and a lot of emotional strain, I definitely would recommend that. Or, you know, if you just feel like there's not a family connection or you're worried about something with your kid, therapy does not have to [00:15:00] be something that we go to whenever we hit rock bottom. It can be something that's almost like a booster, like going to get a physical. Yeah. And sometimes some family therapy during the summer can help or maybe if you're noticing your kid has lots of anxiety about going back to school and it's hard for you to manage that, that can be something that they can work on in therapy too.
But as a parent, remembering that you do have to reach out for help sometimes. And there are also things available in the community if you do need kind of some respite. There are summer camps that you can sometimes get like scholarships to. There are activities that are free at the library. The whole family can participate in the summer reading program and then you as a parent could have I know they have the activities at the library You can let the kids go off and do something and you can sit for a few quiet minutes Or maybe you can convince everyone to like sit and read their book because picture books audio books all of that counts, right?[00:16:00] 
You could you could convince all the kids to kind of like maybe we have a quiet time at the end of the evening Where we're all working on meeting that goal of the summer reading program 
Chris: Mm hmm 
Lorri: So those are also don't be afraid to look into things in the community. Yeah. And we do have a list, Curtis Peoples, who's kind of our resource guru, um, I actually saved a few of the things that Curtis had sent us about all kinds of activities and some that are free.
And so I would say taking advantage of those things, you can even call 211. Um, and get, I believe, a list of those activities or go to your local YMCA and see what they have going on. And some of the schools offer summer school. That can help get you 
Rachel: some relief. Mm hmm. And, and get kids back in somewhat of a routine.
Yes. Some structure and routine.
Lorri: But just, you've got to reach out. Mm hmm. I mean, and people just don't do that. Yeah. It's like, beef. Be absolutely confident that there are other people out there who are [00:17:00] experiencing that. You just don't hear it because this is what we live in, is like this perfection.
Rachel: The highlight reel, you know, everybody wants to put out on social media. Exactly, 
Lorri: but that's not accurate. .
Chris: I love the idea of the library activities because you are maintaining a routine over the summer. You're kind of keeping literacy front of mind a little bit during the summer months when, you know, kids may be checking out of that sort of thing and it's free. 
Lorri: Yes. Yes. And it's a community thing. So that's the other thing to remember is sometimes whenever you feel stressed, Just sometimes whenever we feel down, we as humans need connection and need community.
And the library is actually a really good reminder of who we are as a community because there is a library in kind of every space, regardless of economics. And so it's a good place to go. And it's cool. Because some people do not live in areas or, you know, don't have like great air conditioning and things. [00:18:00] So that can be somewhere to go that has lots of the educational activities.
Chris: Switching gears a little bit, you know, I have two kids, and they're home over the summer. They're, you know, school age. And so I will realize sometimes as we're interacting with each other, the stress level begins to become elevated, and nobody is really, aware of it, until it kind of hits a point.
And I know that there must be like some signs, some things I can kind of be aware of as we're moving into those, rather than just like opening my eyes and all of a sudden we're in the middle of a, you know, some sort of heated debate or whatever. What are some of those signs that we can kind of look for as parents in ourselves and that we can kind of identify in our kids too as that stress level kind of begins to rise?
Lorri: Right, so that's also a really good thing to start out with your kids. From way whenever they're young is identifying like what does stress feel [00:19:00] like in your body and just really them being able to name it because all of us have some kind of, um, physical kind of tell like we might get red, we might clench our fists, might start to have our stomach hurt or head hurt.
Um, and we can just feel that frustration. So whenever you feel that in yourself, it's okay to name that to kids. Because you're also modeling, once again, like how we modeled with looking at technology and stuff. We're going to model that about getting frustrated. There's nothing wrong with saying, I can feel myself getting frustrated because I'm starting to get hot and I bet I'm starting to get red.
So you, name that for them. And then you can take a time out even of it being like are you starting to feel frustrated because I see that your face is getting red because we want to model that and we want to identify that. And then you're helping to give them the words too.
[00:20:00] Then you can say maybe we should take a break for a minute. Then we go back into, we're going to go take a break. And then we'll come back and continue the discussion whenever we don't have all that stress and frustration flowing through us that impacts the decisions that we can make.
Rachel: It's a great point.
I mean, that'll, de escalate the situation. When you know those signs in advance. That's very important. 
Chris: And it's a great idea to help them find the words, to articulate that, rather than, Just all of a sudden, they are just wrapped in emotion, and if they can just say that and get that out there ahead of that, I'm sure that's helpful.
Lorri: And you need to check in, too, whenever you're frustrated, whenever kids are frustrated. And I even saw this about teens, just like on social media I think this weekend on this teen thing that I follow on Instagram And it was talking about like you even need to check in with teens about like are you hungry? Are you tired? We need to check in with ourselves about that too. If [00:21:00] you're tired, if you're hungry, We all get tired. kind of grumpy. I mean in some people even more so because it depends on what your tolerance is for those things. Everybody has a different tolerance and so kids are frustrated because they haven't been getting the same sleep or maybe you know kids really worry about missing out and so their friends are doing things and they might have to miss it and so they get stressed about that too.
And then You know, you come home and you're already stressed from work and then things aren't done and , it's just a big ball of stress. And so it's like, maybe we should just go to our separate corners for a little while, even have some cool down time whenever you get home from work so that everybody can just kind of reset and then come back together.
Like, you don't have to launch into everything right away about what didn't happen that day. Or. what did happen but didn't happen right or those kinds of things. 
Rachel: So I remember as a kid, I feel like summer break [00:22:00] just flew by. You know, we get a couple of months, but it really feels like a couple of weeks when you're a kid and maybe even if you're a parent. Um, but can you talk about how parents and their kids can prepare for the new school year, you know, during this summer time, and what steps they can take to have a successful school year. 
Lorri: So once again, you've gotten those routines kind of out of whack. So it's a good idea to at least like the month before. So start getting everybody to like bed and that kind of stuff back on time. But one thing that you can incorporate, even if kids want to stay up later during the summer, Is you might even think about incorporating like a quiet time at like the normal time maybe that they would go to sleep Where they're doing some relaxing activity or you're doing some kind of a relaxing thing as a family To just go into sleep so that then whenever you go back to having that regular bedtime They're already used to their bodies kind of coming down at that time 
Chris: Yeah, 
Lorri: um and the thing [00:23:00] that we talked about with the library and the summer reading program reading, listening to audio books, those kinds of things can also help keep kids at at least somewhat of a learning level.
And you know, I think I talked about earlier, like kids need to have some free time and need to have some play. So it's not like you want to be sitting there having your kid like do worksheets and stuff like that. I mean also like expectations on kids are really high for those perfect things too, so giving them a break.
You might think about if your kid is struggling seeing if their school does have a summer school Because that doesn't usually go on the entire summer and they also incorporate fun activities into that too If you're worried about them kind of losing some of that education in the summer but trying to keep routines as much as you can and then you know kind of going into Okay, we're going to have quiet time at this time because you need to get your body ready to be back on your regular bedtime.
Chris: [00:24:00] Lori, as we wrap up here, is there anything that you'd like to discuss that we haven't covered yet? 
Lorri: Know, I mean, there are just certain things that I always say to parents, and it's about that managing expectations, setting down routines, boundaries, and trying to keep on routines as much as you can, and also being willing to just take a break as a parent, like not everything has to have a response immediately.
Sometimes whenever we respond immediately, we're responding out of a frustration and a stress versus critically thinking about maybe the consequence you want to provide to your child. So it's okay to wait and provide a consequence later. 
Rachel: I think that's true for everyone. We can all take that.
In the heat of the moment, you know, we say things , that we regret, you know. Yes, because 
Lorri: Because you've got all those, hormones and everything flowing through whenever you're getting stressed and upset, and it just doesn't make for good decision making
Chris: Yeah. Well, we've covered a lot of [00:25:00] ground today, talked a lot about the highs and lows of summertime. So in light of what we have discussed today, Lorri, can you share with us what gives you hope about the things that we've been talking about ?
Lorri: Well, I think You know, it sounds kind of corny to say, but like that summer reading program has been around for like a million years and, I've worked at family and children's almost 24 years and one of the things that we used to do is with the kids out in the community and and I worked in a very impoverished area was we actually would go and like do the library stuff as part of their activity and the parents could go and do that stuff too.
And. That just overall is always what gives me hope in general about living in Tulsa is Like how many great things we have and how many families make such a difference here in Tulsa like GKFF. I mean, that's why we have the maternal mental health program But they also do things for little babies, like the [00:26:00] talk, read, sing, all of those things.
But we've got the library and we've got the Y. And I mean, we just have all of these great things in Tulsa, the gathering place. I mean, that's, that's like on the national news. And that is because of the giving of someone here in Oklahoma. And that is something free that people can go and do. So I think I've always been just, you know, so amazed at what we have available here in Tulsa and then how lucky we are to work at Family and Children's that has their own resources but is very connected to the community.
Chris: Well, this has been really great. Lorri. So insightful and practical tips that parents and kids can implement with ease. So thank you for being with us today. We really appreciate your time with us. 
Lorri: Thank you all for having me. 
Chris: Thanks for tuning in. If you found value in what you heard today, there are a few ways you can support and stay connected to us. First, be sure to hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening to us.
[00:27:00] Subscribing ensures you never miss an episode and it's absolutely free. It also helps us continue bringing you quality content. Consider leaving us a review. Your reviews not only make our day, but they also help others discover the podcast and join our community. Share this episode with friends, family, and anyone who might find it interesting.
Word of Mouth is a powerful way to grow our podcast family, and we truly appreciate your support. We're always eager to hear your thoughts, ideas, and suggestions for future episodes. Visit okstateofmind. com for all of our episodes. You can also email us at communications@fcsok.org with any episode ideas or questions.
We'd love to connect with you. Thank you once again for accompanying us on the journey. [00:28:00] Until next time.