Teen Dating Violence: The Conversation We Need to Have

In this episode of OK State of Mind, a Family & Children’s Services podcast, the conversation focuses on teen dating violence, healthy relationship-building, and the impact social media can have on young relationships. Andrea Carroll, Adolescent Health Coordinator at Youth Services of Tulsa, joins Saralyn Miller, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Clinical Trainer with the Child Abuse and Trauma Services (CATS) program at FCS, and Nakesha Johnson, Youth Care Coordinator with CATS, to discuss the warning signs and behaviors that can quietly normalize unhealthy relationships during adolescence.

Together, they explore how emotional abuse, digital monitoring, and codependency can show up as control in teen relationships, both in person and online. The episode also highlights the importance of prevention education and healthy boundary setting as guests share practical ways to support young people before harmful patterns become more serious.

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Transcript

Saralyn Miller: [00:00:00] I don't know if you all heard this growing up as a kid, but when there was someone who was, like, mean to a kid at school, it'd be like- Mm-hmm ... "Oh, he just likes you." Right. Right. You know? And then the more that we grow up, we realize this is actually not what we want to be teaching our kids and not what we want to encourage.

Mm-hmm. Um, and so I think those kind of things that we talk about and how we say these things to our kids at such a young age can really impact how they are in older relationships as teens and as young adults, too. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: And adding to that, Sarahlynn, it's okay to be okay. Mm-hmm. 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: It's okay to say no.

Mm-hmm. It's okay to express your feelings, but it's also okay to make those changes, and change is hard- Mm-hmm ... for adults. Change is hard for youth, but also just expressing the feelings about what's going on is really important. Mm-hmm. The number one key is communication- Yep ... and sometimes that can be a challenge.

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: So we have to get over that hurdle to figure out how I can communicate with this individual, how I can be supportive, how can [00:01:00] I get through and have a healthy relationship.

Chris Posey: When we think about teen dating, we often picture first crushes, learning what it means to be in a relationship, and figuring things out along the way. But for many young people, dating can also involve control, fear, or harm, and those experiences often go unnoticed. Teen dating violence isn't a new issue, but it's one we've only started taking seriously in recent decades.

For a long time, relationship violence was seen as an adult problem. Research has shown that unhealthy relationship patterns often begin during the teen years and can follow people into adulthood. Today, teen dating violence can happen in person or online. Social media can blur boundaries, intensify control, and make unhealthy behavior harder to recognize, especially for teens who are still learning what a healthy relationship should look like.

In this episode, we talk about the red flags to watch out for, [00:02:00] how teen dating violence shows up in today's culture, and the role social media can play. But just as importantly, we focus on solutions. It's a difficult topic, but it's also a hopeful one because teen dating violence is preventable, and awareness is one of the most powerful tools we have, and we want to spread awareness today on OK State of Mind, a podcast of Family and Children's Services.

With that, my name is Chris Posey. I'm the marketing communications director here at Family and Children's Services, and today we're talking about teen dating violence. We have three guests with us today, a couple from Family and Children's Services. Let's start out just by going around the table. If you all just tell us your names and what you do, what your day-to-day looks like.

We'd just like to learn a little bit more about you before we start into the conversation. 

Andrea Carroll: I'll go first. Um, so my name is Andrea Carroll, and I use she and her pronouns, and I work for Youth Services of Tulsa, um, as the adolescent health [00:03:00] coordinator. And what my day-to-day kinda looks like is I manage a team that goes into schools and community-based settings that provide sexual health, um, to young people.

Chris Posey: All right. Sounds good. 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. I'm Saralyn Miller. I'm a licensed clinical social worker, and I am the clinical trainer for our Child Abuse and Trauma Services program, and I provide training and just additional support for our therapists and also our care coordinators within our department. 

Chris Posey: All right. 

Nakesha Johnson: And I'm Nakisha Martin.

I am the youth care coordinator with the Child Abuse Trauma department. I am all the around. I am able to help with my families, my youth, and my therapists to help them be more supportive, advocating and linking them to different resources within our community. 

Chris Posey: All right. Sounds good. And some people may know your program as CATS.

Nakesha Johnson: Yes. Yes. 

Chris Posey: Yes. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, let's start out broad. The first question I have for the three of you is, what are we talking in the way of prevalence of [00:04:00] dating, teen dating violence? You guys are on the front lines. You see these as they occur. Are you having to deal with this a lot? Are you seeing a lot of this?

What sort of thing are you seeing with regard to teen dating violence? 

Nakesha Johnson: Well, it's, it's common. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: It's happening. Um, it's happening in the, the schools, it's happening in communities, within homes, same sex, opposite sex. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: It's happening, and I believe it's becoming the norm for some youth, which can be somewhat challenging.

Mm-hmm. Our, our youth needs support, and sometimes our youth don't have support. We're trying to figure out what's healthy and what's unhealthy for our youth. 

Saralyn Miller: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: So it's very important to make sure that we become a listening ear to find out what's the issue- Mm-hmm ... and come up with some solutions.

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. Yeah. And one in 12 youth will experience dating violence. Um, and I know that's something that has increased over the years. Hmm. And females and LGBTQIA+ youth are [00:05:00] way more at risk than heterosexual couples, and so it's just something that is running rampant in our schools and within our community too.

Hmm. 

Chris Posey: I may be being presumptuous here. I think people often think of teen dating violence as physical violence, which obviously is, I'm sure, a large part of it. Are there other aspects of harm that you all are seeing that, that teens are coming to you with beyond just physical violence? 

Andrea Carroll: Yes. So there's several forms of, like, um, abuse that c- it could look like, um, or dating violence, so, like, stalking- 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm

Andrea Carroll: um, intimidation. It can be emotional abuse or, like, threats. Uh- Verbal abuse. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Saralyn Miller: Sexual. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. Do you think at one time that sort of thing was just seen as, "Oh, you know, he likes her," or that... Or, "He's interested in her"? A- and has the mindset changed? Has it evolved to where now we realize, "Ooh, this is not...

This is a problem"? 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. I think something that... [00:06:00] I don't know if you all heard this growing up as a kid, but when there was someone who was, like, mean to a kid at school, it'd be like- Mm-hmm ... "Oh, he just likes you." Right, right. Right. You know? And then the more that we grow up, we realize this is actually not what we want to be teaching our kids and not what we want to encourage.

Mm-hmm. Um, and so I think those kind of things that we talk about and how we say these things to our kids at such a young age can really impact how they are in older relationships as teens and as young adults too. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. We talked a little bit about red flags and green flags on our call the other day.

Mm-hmm. Can you guys tell us what red flags and green flags are and what they mean, what the consequence is, and, uh, how that ties into unsafe behavior? 

Nakesha Johnson: I would say a lot of red flags could be controlling. 

Chris Posey: Okay. 

Nakesha Johnson: Um, taking over cell phones. Um, making you do things that you normally did not do. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm.

Nakesha Johnson: Isolating yourself. A lot of youth are doing things that [00:07:00] they were very active in school. Mm-hmm. You know, grades are going down, not wanting to communicate with their peers or with their, their trusted adults and families, and all of a sudden they are, they're shutting down. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: You know, uh, bruises that maybe can be seen or not be seen.

There's many different red flags- Mm-hmm ... to where you're in question. You're asking, "What's normal, what's not normal?" And sometimes you think that it is okay. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: And it's not okay. But also, some teens don't have that support system who they can talk to and who their trusted adult is- Mm ... uh, to try to discuss those red flags.

Andrea Carroll: Yeah. 

Saralyn Miller: And I think we see this piece of, like, dishonesty or insecurity or, like- Mm-hmm ... codependency, so, um, like, "I'm dishonest about where I'm going," or needing that, like, constant reassurance- Mm-hmm ... I think is what we see a lot, too, or, "I can only do certain things without my partner. I can't go anywhere- Mm-hmm

without my partner or my boyfriend or my girlfriend." And that can just kind of sometimes domino effect, too. Yeah. 

Chris Posey: Yeah, I 

Andrea Carroll: agree. A common [00:08:00] thing that we're seeing, too, is a lot of, like, internet-related things. Mm-hmm. So, like, social media. Mm-hmm. So having control of somebody else's social media or what you can and can't post, um, things like that, or, like, your location.

Sharing your location seems to be a very common thing. Like, "If you're my partner, I wanna know your location at all times." Mm-hmm. Um, so that's something we're seeing a lot of. 

Saralyn Miller: Mm. And, like, social media having the location services on, like, every app. Mm-hmm. It's, like, on Find My iPhone. It's Life360. It's, like, Snapchat.

Yep. Instagram. Like, they- Instagram 

Andrea Carroll: now. 

Saralyn Miller: Every- They all have- Yeah. Yes ... location services. Yes. So follow me and share your location so I can see where you're at and what you're doing and start to question you, and sometimes it can just start as something that's, you know, not as overt. It's not as, like- Mm-hmm

obvious. It's like, "Oh, what are you doing at home?" You know, "Who are you with? Who's there?" You know, asking those questions, then slowly it can kind of start to build- Mm-hmm ... upon that. Mm-hmm. And it can get m- you know, more and more dangerous or more and more intense, too. Right. 

Chris Posey: How do we know that it's [00:09:00] getting dangerous?

How do we know that what, what you're talking about right now, 'cause that's a pretty fascinating- uh, phenomenon that, that we see in social media these days- Yeah ... that it's presented to social media users a- as a benefit. Mm-hmm. Like, "Hey, get all your friends on this. Know where they're-" Right. And so, and it does seem innocent for a while, 'cause, you know, your best fri- you, you know where your best friend is, and you know where your, your family is- Mm-hmm

or whoever. Yeah. When is it that it begins to be a problem in a relationship? 

Andrea Carroll: Uh, I mean, I think that, um, you know, there's certain safety features, right, that parents may have to make sure they know where their young person is, if they're, you know, going out with friends. There's some safety going on there.

But when it comes to partners or your friends wanting your location at all times, you have to look at it in a way of like, "Is it because they wanna know that I'm safe, or is it because they're tracking me?" Yeah. Which then it goes back to, like, that stalking again. Mm-hmm. Right? So that's another form of digital stalking.

Mm-hmm. [00:10:00] I can see you move on the map, and I can see if you're at school, or I can see whose house you're at or things like that. So I think it goes into 

Saralyn Miller: that. Or I see you, like, active on Instagram, but you haven't responded to my text yet. Right. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Or those types of things. And I think to answer your question as well is, like, the frequency, how often are they checking in on these things?

Yeah. What words are they using when they're checking in with you? Uh-huh. If they're being really intense about it and it's happening often and it's lasting for a long time, or your partner gets really angry if you say you're at X person's house- Yeah ... those types of things are things to watch out for in your young people, is just, like, the frequency of it.

Absolutely. Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: I agree. Yeah. The jealousy- Yeah ... definitely happens. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The jealousy, the mistrust, the, uh, miscommunication, the, um, what's going on? I need to know. Mm-hmm. Control. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: Can I talk to that person? If not, they're always raising their voice and becoming verbally aggressive. Yeah.

Those are a lot of signs- Mm-hmm ... to where it [00:11:00] can become physical. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Chris Posey: I think all three of you have, at one point, used the word control, and it, that, I also find that fascinating Why is it not seen the same way that, you know, physical violence is seen? I mean, why, why is control so prevalent?

Saralyn Miller: Hmm. I think 'cause it's sometimes unrecognizable. 

Chris Posey: Uh-huh. 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. You don't know what you're experiencing until you're out of it or until someone points it out to you. Hmm. Mm-hmm. And so when we think about our friends or our peers or people of similar ages- Mm-hmm ... right, if they're doing the same thing and that's how, you know- Mm-hmm

their partner is, and they're like, "Oh, my partner does that. It's no big deal." Right. But then they tell a safe and trusted adult, and us as adults, we're like, "Oh, my goodness." Alarms are kind of going off in our minds. Yeah. But I think some of it can be normalized because peers are experiencing the same thing and- Oh, yeah

it might be unrecognizable. Hmm. Or they're keeping things a secret- Mm-hmm ... or keeping things extremely private, and so no one- Right ... really knows the ins and outs of the [00:12:00] relationship, too. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: Well, not only that. I add to it, let's just talk about how a lot of youth in their living status, they grew up or is living violence within the home.

Mm-hmm. And they may think that it's okay because mom or dad is verbally aggressive- Mm-hmm ... or physically aggressive. Yeah. And so they can pick up those traits and become aggressive. Yeah. And sometimes it may look like the norm, but it's unhealthy. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: And so how can we help that youth- Mm-hmm ... get services- Hmm

get help? Mm. And some youth, they don't have any support. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We think, "Oh, well, you know, this is a, a, maybe a, a husband and wife." Control isn't part of the, i- is not part of the equation. Mm-hmm. But it can, even in a, like in a traditional married relationship, control can be a harmful issue- That's right.

Mm-hmm ... just like physical abuse or mental abuse that, that you're talking about. 

Saralyn Miller: And I think talking about these things, and we're talking about teen dating violence, but all of the red [00:13:00] flags that we just talked about are also red flags for adult relationships- Mm-hmm. That's right ... as well. Yeah. And friendships.

Yeah. Like, it's, it doesn't even have to be someone that you're dating or talking to or, you know, that you're in a relationship with. Mm-hmm. It can be with friends, and it can be, you know, adult to adult as well. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. Mm-hmm. And Sarah Lynn, you were talking a minute ago about, you said something about, uh, they don't realize it until they're out of it, and that's so true.

Mm-hmm. And, um, and a lot of us have, have- 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah ... 

Chris Posey: experienced that in our lives. Like, we have that perspective now that we are out of certain relationships. The, like, 

Saralyn Miller: aha 

Chris Posey: moment. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is there something that we can communicate so that they have a little perspective before they get into the, you know, potentially dangerous or controlling or harmful situation?

Yeah. But, you know, it's, it's impossible to- Mm-hmm ... put them in our situation. Yeah. Right. We've seen it. We've experienced. Is there anything that we can do here? 

Andrea Carroll: Yeah. I think, [00:14:00] um, you know, our program, we go into schools, and we do a lot of prevention education. Um, and so that's what we're doing when we're working with middle schoolers and high schoolers, and then we're at after-school programs.

I mean, we're talking to young people about what a healthy relationship looks like, and not just a healthy relationship with a partner, but a healthy relationship with a friend- Mm-hmm ... a healthy relationship, you know, with your trusted adult. What are healthy relationship traits? And so I think building those relationships with young people more and more on, you know, teaching and going back to modeling those behaviors.

So as a trusted adult, I wanna make sure, you know, that I'm showing that I'm a trustworthy person, I'm not controlling or using intimidation or- Mm-hmm ... you know, any of those things. So I think modeling, and then a lot of prevention work, which is happening a lot in Tulsa. Yeah. Um, yep. 

Chris Posey: All 

Saralyn Miller: right. And I always say start early Um, and a little bit of information at a time.

You don't have to sit your young person down and tell them every single thing they need to know about a dating relationship. Yeah. Right. You don't have to tell them everything they need to know about any subject, [00:15:00] right? Start young and little bits of information over a long period of time. And if you're listening to this and you are like, "Oh my gosh, my kid is 16, I didn't start earlier," start now.

Yeah. Um, yeah. Start whenever you want. And, you know, starting early, and little bits of information, because when we sit down and sometimes we lecture these young people, they are like, "La, la, la," you know? Mm-hmm. Right. They tune us out. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But these little bits of information- 

Chris Posey: Yeah ... 

Saralyn Miller: over a period of time can be really helpful.

And I think that modeling behavior of showing mutual respect, um, when you're talking to another adult, or you're talking to a young person, you're modeling some of that mutual respect as well- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm ... which is a green flag for healthy relationships. 

Nakesha Johnson: Yeah. I agree. I agree. It's just, it really goes all the way back to within the home.

You know, taking time out to talk to your child about anything. Mm-hmm. Building that safe and healthy relationship, and that looks different from every home status. Mm-hmm. But check-ins are real. You know, checking in with your [00:16:00] children, checking in with your support system, whoever they may be. Ask them how they doing at school, what is school looking like.

Mm-hmm. You know, attending them and being supportive for them, being their cheerleader. Mm-hmm. You know? That's what it's about. 

Andrea Carroll: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: And at the end of the day, identifying with that youth, what is their support system? What does it look like? 

Chris Posey: You 

Nakesha Johnson: know, listen to me- Yeah ... sometimes. Yeah. Be a listening ear, because not always as a parent we are, are right, but be a listening ear.

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: And you can hear so much from a youth, because sometimes they feel like as parents, as educators, as social workers, as teachers, we don't understand. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: So just listening is really good, and then from there, just communicate and be supportive. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. And you're touching on this a little bit.

What does it look like? You, you've referenced a few things just then, but how can caring adults begin to create this? 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. I think it needs to [00:17:00] go beyond- Definitely ... Mom and Dad. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I tell the caregivers that I work with when we're working on a crisis plan, so and that can be any crisis, um, but if you're having really big feelings, who are you going to at school, at home- Right

at your extracurriculars? Mm-hmm. Mom and Dad aren't always going to be there. Right. And I sometimes prep the caregivers that I work with of, like, you're gonna see someone else's name on there. Doesn't mean that you're not a safe and trusted adult- Mm-hmm ... but they need- Right ... more people. Mm-hmm. And for someone who is in a young person's life as a friend, you know, a godmother, an aunt, an uncle, like, you can be those people for them.

Mm-hmm. Um, and coaches, counselors- Mm-hmm. Right ... you know, teachers at school. Mm-hmm. I think all of those things. 

Nakesha Johnson: Yeah. It definitely takes a village. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It takes a village. Um, youth need village, and that may look like some of their friends. Mm-hmm. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: You know, best friends. But adults, we need a village, too.

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Saralyn Miller: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: To make sure that we have the [00:18:00] pathway to also navigate and help the youth and the families, because not always parents have the, the education, the resources, the, um, information to help guide and mold and love and teach their kid. So as the support system in the village, we come in. Mm-hmm. 

Chris Posey: And 

Nakesha Johnson: we help that youth.

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: And the families. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. Good. I'm gonna go way back in our conversation and get a little granular here. Uh, it's a topic we, uh, we hadn't talked about previously, and I think it is a real issue. And I, I can't remember who mentioned it. One of you mentioned codependence. Mm-hmm. So what is it, and how can it be harmful in dating relationships?

Saralyn Miller: I think it can look like a lot of different things. The struggle to be alone as the partner of, "I don't wanna be by myself." 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Saralyn Miller: Um, moving really quickly- Mm ... whether that's sexually or just taking steps, moving so fast. Mm-hmm. [00:19:00] Canceling plans to be together. So I normally spend, like, Friday night with, you know, my best friend, but my partner's alone, so you know- Yeah

and they've asked me to cancel plans. Or they've made me feel so guilty that I feel like I have to cancel to spend time with them. So it's not even this overt, "Cancel plans and come hang out with me." It's more of like, "I'm gonna be alone tonight and I'm feeling really sad, and I can't believe you're not going to be here," or- Mm-hmm

just some of that, like, verbiage that can create some guilt in the other person. 

Andrea Carroll: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Which then can lead to other red flags- Yeah ... like isolation- Yeah ... and pulling out from other things, like sports or other- Right ... friend groups- Mm-hmm ... things like that, that you wanted to go and do. Right. 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. And it's so important to keep that sense of individuality in a relationship, even as an adult, of maintaining your own interests, maintaining your own hobbies- Mm-hmm

and everything, and prioritizing self-care and doing things on your own- Right. Yeah ... I think is a green flag for a relationship, of encouraging some of that behavior, too- Mm-hmm ... of, "Go spend [00:20:00] time with your friends. Go spend time by yourself," you know. Like, "You've had a really long week," recognizing those things- Yeah

is a really healthy green flag, I think. 

Nakesha Johnson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And adding to that, Sarah Lynn, it's okay to be okay. Mm-hmm. 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: It's okay to say no. Mm-hmm. It's okay to express your feelings, but it's also okay to make those changes. And change is hard- Mm-hmm ... for adults. Change is hard for youth. But also just expressing the feelings about what's going on is really important.

Mm-hmm. The number one key is communication. Yep. Mm-hmm. And sometimes that can be A challenge. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: So we have to get over that hurdle to figure out how I can communicate with this individual, how I can be supportive, how can I get through and have a healthy relationship. 

Saralyn Miller: Mm-hmm. And healthy communication, right?

Mm-hmm. Compromise- Yes ... staying calm, being level-headed, um, or, you know, "I'm feeling really alone tonight, but, and you know, but I will hang out with you tomorrow," or- Mm-hmm ... things like that, of kind of coming to some- 

Andrea Carroll: Clear boundaries. 

Saralyn Miller: Yes. Yeah. 

Andrea Carroll: Exactly. Health and relationship. Yeah, [00:21:00] that's 

Chris Posey: good, clear boundaries.

Andrea Carroll: Yeah. 

Chris Posey: Yes. 

Saralyn Miller: Mm-hmm. 

Andrea Carroll: I think clear boundaries, setting what you're okay with and what you're not okay with is really good, and I also think, like, you can't change a person. Mm-hmm. Definitely. So you h- only have control over yourself. You don't have control over your partner. So if there's some things that they do wanna change or you feel like they need to change, if you're seeing a lot of negative behaviors, that's not your responsibility to change that person.

Mm-hmm. Now, you could say, "Hey, here's some resources for you," or kind of give them a little nudge, but you can't change that person. Right. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah, and even in adults, too, oftentimes when adults are going to couples counseling, it's best practice that they do individual counseling first- Oh ... with their own therapist, and then they come together, right?

'Cause we all have things we need to work on. Work on yourself. Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes. And then let's come together. And then let's 

Chris Posey: work on us. Yes. 

Saralyn Miller: Yes. Yes. And I think kind of to your point, too, of, you know, if that is your partner, like, that's okay, um, if we need to, like, take a break- 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm ... 

Saralyn Miller: step aside, let them heal- Find it to be okay.

Mm-hmm ... do their own journey, and then come back [00:22:00] together. Mm-hmm. Because people can change, and- Mm-hmm ... some of these tactics of, you know, communication, of, like, stonewalling- Mm-hmm ... which is just, like, shutting down. You know, like, "You made me mad. Now I'm gonna give you the silent treatment." Yeah. Or, "I'm just gonna, like, leave your Snapchat on delivered," or you leave your text on read- Mm-hmm

"and I'm not going to respond to you." Like, things like that can be really harmful- Mm-hmm. Right ... and then we're feeling guilt and blame for- Mm-hmm ... something that might not be their fault. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. All right. Well, so we got some good green flags, though. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Communication, uh, self-care, uh, seems to be a, a predominant theme in what we're talking about right now.

Mm-hmm. Clear boundaries I think is great, and then some red flags that we might notice if our friends- So, Chris, I, 

Nakesha Johnson: I'm sorry. Add- 

Chris Posey: No, yeah ... 

Nakesha Johnson: confidence to that, you know? 

Chris Posey: Confidence, yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: Building confidence- Yeah ... to the, for the youth is really important. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. Mm-hmm. And, and on the converse, when we begin to see our friends or our kids or loved one's confidence taking a [00:23:00] dive- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. ... in a relationship- Right ... that's like, "Whoa, we may need- Yeah. Yeah ... to have a conversation about this." That's 

Andrea Carroll: right. Definitely. 

Chris Posey: Interesting. We've talked a little bit about social media. We talked about location tracking. And, and I don't wanna just, you know, vilify, uh, social media. Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: Mm-hmm. 

Chris Posey: But it, it's so prevalent.

Nakesha Johnson: Mm-hmm. Right. 

Chris Posey: And it's a part of... It's, it's just a part of all our lives, and it, it, it's pervasive. And there are positive ways to deal with social media, which we've talked about on this podcast, and- Mm-hmm ... negative ways. And I think that in dating, there are some unique... Just like what you're talking about- Mm-hmm

with the, uh, the Snapchat thing. What are some concerns with regard to social media when it comes to dating? 

Saralyn Miller: Give me your password so I can see, like, just make sure that n- you know, no one is, you know, sending you a direct message or a DM. Like- Yeah ... you know, no one else is sliding in your DMs. I wanna see who you're following and who- Mm-hmm

is following you. You know, are you following, you know, other [00:24:00] people that I also find attractive? Are you following your ex? You know? Mm. All of those things and monitoring the type of media that the other person consumes. Why did you like this? 

Nakesha Johnson: Right. Yes. 

Saralyn Miller: Why did you 

Nakesha Johnson: like that person's- Why did you heart this-

Andrea Carroll: post? Yeah. 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. Um, things like- 

Nakesha Johnson: What did that post- Oh, wow ... mean to you? Mm-hmm. Did you repost this? Yeah. You know, things like that. A lot of questions. Yeah. You know? Like, what's going on? Um, sort of kind of like you're blaming, you're accusing me of doing something that I'm not doing. Mm-hmm. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: You know? So.

Chris Posey: That scrutiny is really extreme. Like, you know, I could see if somebody were, if, if somebody were on, you know, whatever, Instagram, and somebody posts a selfie or whatever, and then a person's significant other responds and says, "Oh my gosh, you look so great, ah," you know, and just is so effusively- Mm-hmm

complimentary, um. That might be a little, but little things you all were saying, like liking or, a, a post or- Mm-hmm ... um, re-sharing, I mean, those are [00:25:00] just small little gestures. Mm-hmm. And it's, it's like the, the level of control and monitoring i- it's, it's sophisticated. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And it's a little concerning.

Yeah. 

Andrea Carroll: I have something to add. Yeah, absolutely. To go a little further into that. Okay. Um, but, like, with sharing passwords to phones and social media and things like that, something else that we're seeing that's more of, like, a threat, but, like, maybe photographs- Mm-hmm ... that we have of our partner- 

Saralyn Miller: Mm. 

Andrea Carroll: Oh, yeah

um, that we may not want shared with the rest of the world, right? Right. Or the rest of the school, and then using those photographs to control that partner's behavior. "If you don't- 

Saralyn Miller: Mm ... 

Andrea Carroll: X, Y, Z, then I'm going to release this photograph." So using those, like, threats and intimidation. Mm-hmm. Or wanting to have control, like, "You have to send me a photo," so those things.

Nakesha Johnson: And things like that, when you're adding pictures or anything- Mm-hmm ... uh, that can be ashamed, embarrassed- Mm ... youth can turn into wanting [00:26:00] to, um, suicide. You know? Mm. Mm. Different things like that. Like, that is very, very serious. Yes. Yeah. And so it's just really important to be mindful of what, how in- the conversation is and what- Mm-hmm

people are 

Chris Posey: saying. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. There are some serious things 

Saralyn Miller: And it really stinks because social media is- Yeah ... a really great way to- Yeah ... connect with other people. Mm-hmm. And it's such a good way to build community, and I've had clients who they have experienced a lot of bullying at school, but they've built a really strong online community with others- Mm-hmm.

Yeah ... that they talk to. Gaming. Gaming. Like, they're on- Mm-hmm ... Roblox. They're on, like- Mm-hmm ... World of Warcraft, Call of Duty. Like, they're building all of this community that really is bringing them so much connection, but then there's just this other side of social media that is so harmful, and I liked that you used the word monitoring because- Right

I think that's a good way to maybe bring up this to your- Mm-hmm ... youth or your young person of- Mm-hmm ... "Hey, it seems like this person's monitoring what you're doing." Yeah. It feels a little bit less threatening than, "This person [00:27:00] is, like, harassing you," or- Yeah ... "This person is-" Yeah. Right ... you know, whatever verb you wanna use that's stronger.

So I really liked- Yeah ... that you used that. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. What happens when they don't have the support system and they're like, "I don't like this situation. I don't feel comfortable in this sit- situation. What do I do?" What, what do you tell them if they don't have that mature, strong support network to, to help them?

Mm-hmm. How, how can they be helped? 

Saralyn Miller: Something that we do at Family and Children's, and a really great job of, especially in our child programs, is bringing in that caregiver. 

Chris Posey: Okay. 

Saralyn Miller: Maybe that caregiver isn't not supportive, or the youth doesn't feel supported by their caregiver, and they're just missing each other.

It's not that the caregiver is blatantly unsupportive. They're trying their best, and they're just missing their young person. And so I think we do a really great job of bringing in the caregivers and kind of help coach them a little bit. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Of, you know, "When you said this, I wonder how that made your young person feel."

Mm-hmm. "Okay, what's something we can say a little bit [00:28:00] differently that might catch that youth or that young person and kind of reel them back in?" Mm-hmm. Because I think oftentimes the caregivers do want to provide support. They just don't know how. Mm-hmm. And so that's something that is really great about therapy and something really great that Family and Children's and Youth Services do- Mm-hmm

is bringing in these caregivers and helping them be a better parent. Mm-hmm. And just maybe a more supportive listening ear, which is something that you touched on earlier, too. 

Nakesha Johnson: I think, and I'll add to that. I mean, just finding out, you know, what does that support system look like? Give me some names.

Because youth have so many of them, um, probably at school, and they have no idea, you know? Mm-hmm. And starting with a counselor, a teacher, a art teacher, you know. Mm-hmm. "What's your favorite subject?" It may be math. Okay. Uh, because you will hear a lot from a youth. They'll be able to tell you a lot. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm.

Nakesha Johnson: W- we are gonna find some resources for, for that youth- Mm-hmm ... and the family because it's not just the youth, it's the entire family. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: Because that parent is probably [00:29:00] lost or don't know the resources, so let's get them those resources. Yeah. If that makes sense. 

Saralyn Miller: And coaching the youth, too, on how to talk to other adults about this.

Right. Mm-hmm. Like, it can feel really intimidating of, "I really like my math teacher, but-" Yeah ... I don't know how to have this conversation. Yeah. Mm-hmm. How to start these conversations, but also, too, how, as an adult, can I check in with this young person? Mm-hmm. Because teachers are so observant. Yes. They see everything happening in the classroom.

They do. And they might not know how, how do I start that conversation? What's my port of entry with this one child that might be struggling? 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Young people in the moment, they may not see that they have a network or a support system. Right. It may not be apparent to them. A- and my question was, what if they don't?

And now I'm like, really Kids do have- Mm-hmm ... you know, a support system. They just may not realize, as you were saying, Keisha- And- Like, it may be, uh, a teacher or a counselor or, or, you know, there are people- Mm-hmm ... around them- [00:30:00] Right ... that they n- they may not be, you know, wearing the, uh, counselor- ... you know, banner or anything.

Right. Right, right, right. But they are- 

Andrea Carroll: Yeah ... 

Chris Posey: absolutely willing to help out and support them. And I 

Andrea Carroll: think, too, like, peers. Peers are part- Yeah ... of their support system. Oh, definitely. So, um, recently we were in a class, and one of our educators said that they had a student. We were doing, like, a who's a safe adult, who are trusted people, you know, in your world, identify some people.

So if something does come up, you kind of have that in your back pocket, right? Of, like, "Okay, I could go to this person or this person." And somebody in the class was like, "I don't have anybody I can go to." And the peers in that class were like, "You can call me." Yeah. Right. "You can call me." Right. "I'm gonna be there for you."

Yeah. Or, like, "My mom will help you out." Like- Yes ... there's gonna be peers, and then those peers, maybe their support system can then help you out. Mm-hmm. But I think peers are a big role when it comes to- Right ... youth and their own support system. Mm-hmm. 

Chris Posey: Agree. All right. 

Andrea Carroll: Peer support. Yeah. 

Chris Posey: And, uh, Saralyn, you were talking about educating, [00:31:00] uh, young people on various aspects of basically being in a relationship.

And one thing that we talked about the other day is the notion of consent. Mm-hmm. And, you know, I'm not just speaking of, you know, uh, consent to have sexual relations. I mean, it could be consent to have or not have my passwords or- Mm-hmm. Right ... uh, be able to track me or not track me. How can we, how can we help them with consent?

Andrea Carroll: I think it goes back to something that Sarah Lynn said earlier, too, with like, it starts when, like, they're little bitty, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So we're teaching consent when we have little bitties up into adolescence. So like, "Do you want to share your crayon," right? Mm-hmm. "Do you want to give Grandma a hug?

Do you wanna give a fist bump?" Right? Those are all things we're consenting to. We're not being forced to do something, right? Mm-hmm. When we're talking in class, we use an acronym, and we use, um, consent as FRIES. 

Saralyn Miller: Okay. 

Andrea Carroll: Um, so I can talk a little bit about that. So it's just a fun way to kinda remember, but it's [00:32:00] all playing into what consent is.

So we use the acronym FRIES. So F stands for freely given. So there's no pressure, I'm not being manipulated, it's my choice kind of thing, right? Right. R is reversible. I can take it back. I can take it back during something. I can take it back after the fact. I don't wanna do that again. Mm-hmm. I is informed.

So you know exactly what you're signing up for. You know exactly what you're consenting to. "Do you wanna go to the movies on Friday?" "Yes, I want to go to the movies on Friday." That doesn't mean that I'm consenting that I also wanna go to the movies Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right? And so you're informed on what it is.

And then enthusiastic. So we always say, like, an enthusiastic yes or like, "Let's go." If somebody's saying, like, "Maybe" or there's hesitancy in their voice, um, that's not an enthusiastic consent, right? Hmm. So we wanna be enthusiastic when we're giving consent to something. And then the last one is S, so that's specific.

So, um, we know specifically what we're consenting for, and even if we consent for [00:33:00] it one time does not mean we're consenting to it over and over again or even again- 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm ... 

Andrea Carroll: um, one other time. So yeah. 

Chris Posey: Hmm. All right. Is FRIES proprietary? Like, are you telling us something that, you know, is specific to your organization- Hmm

or can we steal that and use it in our social media, too? You can use it. Yeah. Yeah, it's out there. All right. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. 

Saralyn Miller: I like that. Yeah. There's a, there's a good YouTube video, too, called, like- Um, it's called, like, Tea Consent Tea. Tea Consent. Yes, we use 

Andrea Carroll: that. 

Saralyn Miller: And it talks about how do you want sugar with your tea?

Do you want milk with your tea? If someone doesn't want tea- Good video ... why would you give them tea, you know? You 

Andrea Carroll: want somebody to force you tea? 

Saralyn Miller: Yes. Right. No. Do you... Like, while you're laying down and sleeping, do you want tea? Do you want tea? Right. You know, and it makes it to where it can be a little bit more fun and engaging and not- Mm-hmm

a serious conversation. Yes. Mm-hmm. But Consent is Fries, the tea video- Mm-hmm ... and books. Mm-hmm. Like, any, like, child book- Mm-hmm ... about consent, there's so many of them out there, and m- all of them are great. Yes. Mm-hmm. But books can be a really good way to start an uncomfortable conversation [00:34:00] with clients, with young people, with other adults.

Bringing books into it and then having a small conversation about it afterwards- Mm-hmm ... can be really helpful so you're not like, "Hey, um, can we talk about consent today?" Yeah, right. It, it, it's a little bit more engaging, and it takes some of the pressure off of you explaining these really difficult topics with your young person.

It's someone else doing it for you, but you're reading it to them, which is great. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. It can be a little awkward sometimes to, to broach these topics with your kids. I have a daughter, and so, you know, sometimes I'm like, "Ugh, I don't really know how to talk about this." Yeah, 

Nakesha Johnson: yeah, uncomfortable. 

Chris Posey: What can parents do day to day, throughout the day, to help and be supportive and kind of be appropriately aware of what's going on?

Andrea Carroll: I think just having open communication with your young people. Asking those open-ended questions- Mm-hmm ... so it's not a, "How was your day at school?" "Good." Asking those really im- you know, important questions. Like, "Who did you sit with at lunch today? What kind of [00:35:00] conversations did you have? Tell me what's going on with your friend so and so."

Right? Like, really getting to know them. They're gonna wanna share because they feel like you're listening, right? Mm-hmm. And you want to know. So yeah, just having those open conversations with them. 

Nakesha Johnson: Comfortable, casual conversation- Mm-hmm ... is really important. Even if you're in the car driving to the park- Mm-hmm Yeah

going to a gathering, basketball or football, sports, however, it's just important to have a casual conversation with them. Sometimes kids think that, "Oh, Mom, oh, Dad, ew, what? What are you talking about?" Yeah. Yes, I've experienced 

Chris Posey: that. But it's 

Nakesha Johnson: building that relationship with your child. 

Chris Posey: Uh-huh. 

Nakesha Johnson: You know, or maybe with their friends, because let's just go back, some of the kids can't talk to their own parents.

Yeah. And so when they're coming over- Mm-hmm ... Michael or Kim's house, they're like, "Your mom is cool. She makes the, the meanest lasagna. So we'll eat that and then go to the basketball court." Mm-hmm. But within that timeframe, you're having a good conversation. Mm-hmm. Yeah. A good, healthy conversation- Yeah ... so they can [00:36:00] take back and always be comfortable to talk to you.

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. And 

Saralyn Miller: reflecting and summarizing what the young person is saying. Okay. Okay. It's a therapeutic skill, but anybody can use it, right? Exactly. Mm-hmm. So if they're telling you about their day, summarizing it. "Oh, you sat next to Andrea at lunch. I know you love sitting by her." Mm-hmm. "Sounds like you guys had a really good time."

Period. Yeah. It does not have to be, like, the most thoughtful- Yeah ... well-thought-out, long, you know, paragraph of summarization. Mm-hmm. But just summarizing what the youth said, that will keep them talking. Mm-hmm. Like, as a therapist, you know, "It sounds like you had a really hard day." And the person's like, "Oh my gosh, yes."

And they keep going- Mm-hmm ... and keep talking about these things. But summarize it, say it, let them know that you hear them. Yeah. And then reflecting and labeling some of that emotion. Mm-hmm. "Sounds like you had a really tough day at school. I'd feel really angry about that, too." Period. You know, trying not to jump into problem-solving mode.

Just, like, turn your listening ears on, and just listen and listen well. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. Yeah. That's tough to do, to repress 

Nakesha Johnson: that 

Chris Posey: problem-solving mode. Oh, my gosh, am I- I mean, with your [00:37:00] kids, you're like, you want to help them. Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Nakesha Johnson: Yeah. Give them kudos when they do good. Have potential and being good. Yeah. Yeah.

Next time, do, do better. Yeah. You know, you can do it. You know, just giving them that confidence. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Saralyn Miller: The youth who have- Problem-solving skills and effective problem-solving skills, that prevents further victimization and abuse. Mm-hmm. So if they can get themselves out of situations- Mm-hmm ... if they're, they're able to problem solve and you're encouraging that problem solving, even peer-to-peer- Mm-hmm

that can prevent further victimization- Mm-hmm ... which is great. Right. 

Chris Posey: So letting them work the problem out- Yeah ... is great practice. 

Saralyn Miller: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and they- Yeah, and they might need advice. They might need a little- Yeah ... guidance, you know? Yeah, yeah. Not to say that you have to, like, totally take a step back, but letting them figure out some of these things on their own.

Yeah. 

Andrea Carroll: Right. Right. I think being honest too, like, sometimes our young people catch us off guard, and we're like, "Okay." Um- But sometimes we don't have all the answers. Mm-hmm. So sometimes you have to say, "You know, I don't know the answer to that, but let's find [00:38:00] out together," or- Mm-hmm. Yeah ... "Let me look, look into some things and get back to you."

But do not lie to your young people. Mm-hmm. Um, be open and honest with them. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Andrea Carroll: Yeah. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. And Andrea, you were talking about amaze.org videos- Mm-hmm ... the other day. Yeah. Are the, is this also a tool that we might consider- Yeah ... using for this? Can you tell us a little bit about those? 

Andrea Carroll: Yeah, so, um, it's just a online, um, platform, and they make all sorts of videos for all, every topic you could think-

you would want to have with your young person, from healthy relationships, to puberty, to menstruation, to, you know, anything. You name it, it's on there, and it has their cartoon characters, and so it's really digestible for a young person- Mm-hmm ... to watch. Um, we use those in our classes a lot of times. So watching those videos, like, with your young person, if they have a question about something specific, it does it in a plain language kind of way of giving them the information so that they can, um- Mm-hmm

digest it a little bit easier. Okay. 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. And as, like, a young person too, [00:39:00] if young people- Uh-huh ... are listening to this, like, they can go on and- Yeah ... explore it too- Yes ... which is really great. Um, or show it to their peers- Yes ... or it can start some of those maybe uncomfortable conversations. 

Nakesha Johnson: Hmm. 

Andrea Carroll: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: All right.

And I'd like to add, like, to reset and refocus. Like, that is something that if you become so overwhelmed, so anxious, having anxiety, or nervous about anything, those two words, like, those are amazing- Hmm ... because it just kinda helps you to be like, "Okay, let me focus. Let me close my eyes. Let me breathe, and let me just figure some things out."

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: It takes time. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. Mm-hmm. 

Nakesha Johnson: And change is, is adjustable. Change can be amazing. Change is, is great, and then change can be challenging. Yeah. So reset and refocus. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: Yeah. 

Chris Posey: Yeah, absolutely. Well, we're gonna do something a little different on today's episode, today's recording. Before we met today, I asked our three [00:40:00] panelists to write down a few myths about teen dating and teen dating violence.

And so we're gonna go through some of these just real rapid fire. I have ran- no, not randomly, but I haven't- ... told you what I've chosen. Dun-da-da. Um, I've chosen some out of here. So I'm just gonna th- toss a myth out there, and then just one of you just shoot it out of the sky, just one quick little response, and then I'll go to the next one.

We'll do, I don't know, five or 10 of these. We'll see how these, how we get along through this. So the first- ... myth that I want busted is victims bring on abuse themselves. 

Andrea Carroll: No. Busted. Never- 

Chris Posey: Busted ... a 

Andrea Carroll: victim or a survivor's fault for anything. All 

Chris Posey: right. 

Andrea Carroll: No. 

Chris Posey: All right. How about, um, it's normal for a partner to wanna access all your passwords, locations, and phone records at all times?

Saralyn Miller: No. No. [00:41:00] It's not normal. Um, and it's not something that we want to normalize either, but that's just a another red flag behavior that we kind of talked about earlier. But it encourages some of that, like, codependency- Mm-hmm ... and takes away your autonomy and your independence as a person, and that's something that we want to have, and so it's not normal for them to track that at all times.

Chris Posey: All right. Right. All right. Uh, if someone stays in an abusive relationship, it must not be that bad. 

Saralyn Miller: Mm. No. 

Nakesha Johnson: No. 

Saralyn Miller: And- No, they- ... what we know about, like, adult domestic violence- Mm-hmm ... is that it takes seven to eight times- Yep ... for a woman to leave a violent relationship and not return. Oh my gosh. They leave seven to eight times- Right

and return every single time. Hmm. And how difficult that must be for a teenager who doesn't have the same resources- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm ... or brain development- Mm-hmm ... or critical thinking as an adult. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. And 

Nakesha Johnson: they can get the resources and, um, the counseling maybe- 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm ... 

Nakesha Johnson: the education to become empowered to [00:42:00] be more like, "I can do this."

Chris Posey: Yeah. "

Nakesha Johnson: I got this." Yeah. "I can get out of this." 

Chris Posey: Hmm. Okay. This one's one of my favorite ones. Um, if you stay with a person- 

Nakesha Johnson: Mm ... 

Chris Posey: you can help him or her stop being abusive. 

Saralyn Miller: Mm.

Nakesha Johnson: Dun, 

Saralyn Miller: dun, dun. 

Nakesha Johnson: No. All of us, one, two, three- 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah, yeah ... no. No, and I think it goes back to what we talked about earlier of, like, you've got to do things on your own before- Mm-hmm ... you can come back together. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And there needs to be healing in that journey, and not that this person who is maybe the perpetrator of teen v- dating violence, they can change too.

There's hope for them as well. Yeah. There's healing for them too. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. And that doesn't mean that relationships are going to look the same for this person forever. Mm-hmm. Especially for young people, their brains are developing. They're exposed to so much. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So much is happening for them.

Life is really tough as a teen. There is hope, and there is healing [00:43:00] in that. Mm-hmm. Um, but we've gotta do work on our own- Yeah ... before we can come back together. 

Nakesha Johnson: All right. I feel like we need a shirt, hope and healing. Mm-hmm. Like, we need that. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. There is. It's a great message. Yeah. 

Saralyn Miller: Yeah. The director of marketing and communications- 

Chris Posey: Oh, yeah

can get one of those for you guys. I need to make a note of this, yeah. All right. And, and last one, a partner's just playing when he or she hits or calls someone names, so it's not serious 

Nakesha Johnson: No, it's very serious No, it's very serious. Yeah ... no. Again, that's a r- another red flag. Yeah. You know, you can be in a relationship.

How long are you gonna be in that relationship? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. How long are you going to keep that violence going? That is a great question. And some 

Saralyn Miller: people are 

Nakesha Johnson: scared- Mm-hmm ... and, and nervous to get out- Mm ... because maybe they will hurt my family, or maybe they'll hurt someone else. You know, because we do have teens who are pregnant and parenting.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so they may stay in the relationship because of the child. Mm-hmm. Or who knows what the reason is, but it's definitely a no. 

Andrea Carroll: Yeah. 

Nakesha Johnson: Mm-hmm. And we gotta figure out how to get out of- Yeah ... that [00:44:00] relationship, that unhealthy relationship. Mm-hmm. 

Saralyn Miller: Mm-hmm. And to tell a trusted adult after the first time that it happens- Mm-hmm

because oftentimes it can feel really easy to excuse or to write off- Right ... or they were having a really bad day, or things are rough for them at home. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. But telling a trusted adult after the first time something like this- Yeah ... happens prevents it from continuing. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. Mm-hmm. First 

Andrea Carroll: time.

That's what I was gonna say. Yeah. Yeah. If it continues, or even minor things, what someone might think is minor- Minor ... can build and build and build and build. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Definitely. And it p- can become very serious. Yeah. Exactly. 

Chris Posey: Yeah, there's, there's no acceptable number of violent acts. First time, you, you just get that thing taken care of.

Saralyn Miller: I kinda wanted to go back to the healing part- Okay ... and talk a little bit about neuroplasticity- Okay, yeah ... that our brain is, like, always changing. Mm-hmm. And these pathways that are in our brain, right, if we... It's just like going to the gym. If we're going to the gym and working out, our muscles get stronger.

If we have leg day for, you know, 20 days in a row, our legs are gonna be stronger- Mm-hmm ... and our arms might be a little bit [00:45:00] weaker. And our brain pathways are the same. So if we're going to the same pathway every single time, we're making that stronger. So in their environment, they're exposed to this, and then they get into their own relationship like this.

That is the strongest neuropathway. Mm-hmm. Then we gotta do something different, and then we've gotta build that up, but that takes a lot of practice- Yeah ... and a lot of help from support. So even teens who are the ones engaging in the violent behavior, like, they can change, too. Mm-hmm. Exactly. And so just kinda wanted to add that nugget about neuroplasticity in there.

Chris Posey: It's a great point that you make about practice because we may choose that better behavior or that good solution one time, and it feels good. And then we're confronted again, and we fail. You know, we don't- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm ... we don't choose that again, and it can be discouraging. We're like, "Well, I thought that, you know, this was all gonna be- Mm-hmm

better, but obviously it isn't." But it does take practice. I mean, it could take- Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's a process ... you know, many times. It, 

Saralyn Miller: it can- Yeah, and it can feel so defeating for the young person. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And even us as adults, it can feel really defeating. Yeah. 

Chris Posey: Yeah. [00:46:00] 

Nakesha Johnson: But 

Chris Posey: when you 

Nakesha Johnson: conquer it, you feel so 

Chris Posey: amazing.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You do. 

Nakesha Johnson: And then you look back and you're like, "Thank you for my support team." 

Chris Posey: Yeah, that's right. That's right. Thank you for my villains, right? Coming back around to the support team. That's right. There 

Nakesha Johnson: you 

Chris Posey: go. Yeah. This has been great. I'm gonna go watch the Amaze videos. Yeah. Yeah. And, and we're gonna use FRIES.

I'm just, I'm just telling you right 

Nakesha Johnson: now. There 

Chris Posey: you go. There 

Andrea Carroll: you go. 

Nakesha Johnson: So, 

Chris Posey: yeah. 

Andrea Carroll: Yeah. 

Chris Posey: Good information 

Andrea Carroll: though. There are some other resources. Um, so here in Tulsa, there's a, uh, another organization called, um, Amplify Youth Health Collective. 

Chris Posey: Mm-hmm. 

Andrea Carroll: And online they have resources for parents, like tips for talking to your young person about X, Y, and Z.

That's a good resource for parents as well. 

Chris Posey: Okay. Yeah. And you know, while we're on this topic- Mm-hmm ... how can people connect with your programs? 

Andrea Carroll: Yeah. So at Youth Services you can go online to yst.com, or if you're a young person, you can go to yst, um, or yst.com is for young people. Um, when you go onto that page, you can say, "I am 18 or younger, 18 or older," and it will direct you exactly where you want to go- Hmm

um, depending on what kind of [00:47:00] services you're looking for. Hmm. And if you're a parent looking for more information, you can go to yst.org. All 

Chris Posey: right. Yeah. All right. Yeah. And how about CATS? 

Saralyn Miller: For CATS, um, you can walk in, um, at our building at 8th and Peoria, or you can call our call center and get an appointment scheduled.

Um, and we're happy to visit with you all and talk. 

Chris Posey: How about the Apache office? 

Saralyn Miller: Yep. Yes. We have a therapist out at the Apache location- 

Chris Posey: Okay ... 

Saralyn Miller: as well. 

Chris Posey: All right. Sounds good. Mm-hmm. All right. Such great information today and- Mm-hmm ... and compelling solutions. Thank you, all three of you, for being here today.

Thank you. It's just been really great. Yeah. Thank you. 

Saralyn Miller: We also have a therapist out at East, but I didn't mention that. So- Okay ... Lapidus, East, and Apache. All right. All three locations. Yep. All 

Chris Posey: right. Sounds good. Well, thanks everyone. 

Saralyn Miller: Appreciate 

Nakesha Johnson: it. Thank you. Thank you.

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