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Pat Walsh
Pat's Peeps Podcast
Ep. 219 Navigating Grief: My Reflections as a Father and My Heartbreak over Devastating News
Grief can transform our lives in ways we could never anticipate. In this heartfelt episode, I share my poignant journey following the sudden loss of my son, Timothy, exploring the overwhelming emotions that arise from such heartache. As I navigate this difficult terrain, I reflect on our unique father-son bond, the profound impact of family dynamics, and the life lessons learned through hardship.
Listeners will gain insights into the complexities of parenting amid adversity as I recount personal stories from my youth, intertwining them with Timothy’s experiences. This elegant tapestry of memory not only honors his life but also serves as a testament to the resilience we find when facing loss head-on. You will hear reflections on enduring love, the healing power of shared stories, and the necessity of maintaining connections, even in our saddest moments.
Join me as we delve into life's unexpected turns, embracing both laughter and tears while navigating through grief. As we close the episode, a touching musical tribute encapsulates the unbreakable bond I hold with Timothy. Let's support one another; your stories deserve to be heard. Remember to subscribe, share this episode, and rate us—let’s keep these important conversations alive.
Welcome to the Pat Speeps podcast. Welcome to the Pat's Peeps podcast Number 219, which, at this point I will tell you will be a much different podcast and much more difficult than any podcast I've done up until this point. It's the third day of March 2025, and today, as I look out my studio windows into the beautiful foothills of Northern California, I see what I've seen the last few days, which have been essentially a mix of rain and sunshine A little cooler temperatures, but rain excuse me, a little rain, some clouds and some sunshine. It's not raining right now. It started off sunny and then some clouds have moved in, so it's one of those days a little sunshine, little rain. Thank you for tuning in. I greatly appreciate you. My name is pat walsh and I'm the host of the pat walsh show on kfbk news radio in Sacramento, 93.1 FM, 1530 AM and, of course, streaming live everywhere on your free iHeart app, and I hope that you've perhaps checked out patspeepscom. I'll keep saying that because it's so important to our local businesses that we're trying to help and we're trying to help you save money. But if I sound a little different right now, I feel a little different right now.
Speaker 1:I, to be honest, I debated whether to do this or not today, today, so yesterday, yesterday, I received a phone call. You know Jason has been on my podcast before Jason, Jason Allen, who is a stand-up comedian. I told you in one of the previous podcasts, many podcasts ago, that Jason was a young man, that is, a young man in his 50s. I still call him a young man, which he is, who I'm very proud of, who I had a hand in raising Jason, who I'm very proud of, who I had a hand in raising Jason. It's a long, long story, but I was really the main male influence in Jason's life. He and his brother, Mikey, rest in peace, and Jason has turned out to be really a good man.
Speaker 1:And yes, I get a phone call from Jason, and when I picked it up, Jason was very somber and he proceeded to tell me, to break the news to me, that my son, Timothy, had died yesterday. I don't know if he died yesterday I held his son but he told me that my son had died His half-brother, and so I am devastated. I am devastated, and so that's why I was debating whether to come on here, because I'm a very honest person and I am also the kind of person that has a tough time managing my emotions, in terms of when I'm sad, I get emotional. So my son, Timothy, Timothy Patrick Walsh, has apparently died. I say apparently because I'm still waiting to find out what happened. I don't know what happened. Supposedly I'll find out something today, but, as you can imagine, I'm devastated. It caught me very much off guard. Part of me, as I get into this, part of me is not surprised and I hate to say that. So, just to kind of give you, just to tell you that, just to give you a background, okay, this is my life, this is the life, the autobiography of Pat Walsh.
Speaker 1:In a nutshell, the oldest of six kids. We had a seventh kid eventually. In terms of I say a seventh kid, what I mean is we had a stepbrother. So there was seven of us at some point, once my dad and my stepmother got married Ray rest his soul, passed away just a few years ago was our stepbrother so? But I was the oldest, am the oldest of six kids and I had my mind set on the fact that I was going to be a baseball player like my dad. It's what I was dedicated to. It's what I was going to do. I was going to play baseball and I was good. I felt like that's what I was destined to be as a baseball player. I'd practice when I had no one to practice with. I was super dedicated, All right.
Speaker 1:So at a certain point 1977, I'm growing my hair longer. That's what we did in 1976, 1977. If you were in high school, you know we grew our hair longer. Well, my dad did not like the longer hair. One thing leads to another. He kicks me out of the house. I end up going to live with my mother. I remember my dad saying what are you trying to be JC? And I love my dad. He just wasn't used to long hair. Jesus Christ, he didn't like. He did not like that. I was growing hair, a long hair Anyhow, because I looked like Opie Taylor. I'm making this too long, honestly. I'm just trying to give you some context of how things kind of went awry and then how it went from there. So he kicked me out of the house. I still don't even know why. I don't even know what I did wrong. I don't believe I did anything wrong. I was actually a good, pretty good kid. You know, just because I have long hair didn't mean me bad.
Speaker 1:Suddenly I go live with my mother in Rancho Cordova and my mother decides that we're going to move in 1977 to Oregon, to Salem Oregon. That is where her sisters live. A lot of her family lived in Salem Oregon. So my buddy, Keith, and I decided we're going to go up there. We're both still in high school, we're going to be seniors. All right, let's go with your ma up to Salem Oregon. He wanted to get away from his situation that he was in. I wanted to, and then I really had no choice but to go with my mother. Plus, I loved her and my two sisters. So we all moved to Salem Oregon.
Speaker 1:One thing leads to another. I ended up going to a couple of different high schools in Salem Oregon as a senior, just like Keith, my friend Keith, who went up there with us. When you go to a couple of different high schools as a senior actually three different high schools you know you end up in a situation and part of that might have been as a junior, but I recall more of it. I can't remember the exact sequence, but maybe it was. It seemed like it was all as a senior, but anyhow, between junior and senior, I went to three or four different high schools. So we're living in Oregon. I go to West Salem High School, South Salem High School. Then my mom decides she's got to move out of Salem. So we moved to Oregon City, up near Portland, just not that far from Portland, let's just tell you that. And so we're living in Oregon City, which I love Oregon City, beautiful place, and I ended up going to Oregon City High School. But by this time I've gone to so many different high schools.
Speaker 1:I'm kind of disillusioned. I'm becoming a loner. I don't know anyone. You know, I don't know anyone in high school. So I found myself walking around cutting class, disinterested in school. I wasn't caught up on any of the subjects, I couldn't follow, I was just. There was too much uncertainty. You? Here's my two sisters. Here's my mother. She's struggling. She has no money. She's doing her best. So she gets a job at the Iron Skillet truck stop in Wilsonville, Oregon.
Speaker 1:As I'm a 17-year-old, Well, I'm still trying to go to high school at Oregon City. She's now working graveyard. I am essentially taking care of my two sisters, Michelle and Stephanie, as the oldest sibling. But again, I'm struggling just to be in high school and do homework, let alone taking care of my two sisters while my mother is working graveyard. But that's what she knew. What to do was be a waitress at this truck stop. So I felt bad for her and I was trying to figure out a way how can I help my mom other than just watching my sisters. Maybe I can go to work and then she can be with the sisters when I'm at work and then when she's at work, I can be with my sisters, with the sisters when I'm at work and then when she's at work, I can be with my sisters. So I ended up getting a job at the Iron Skillet truck stop where my mother worked as a fry cook. I was a line cook, a very good line cook, I have to say. So I'm doing that During my time at the Iron Skillet there's a waitress.
Speaker 1:My mother, this is where you wish you would listen to your parents when you're younger. But you knew it all or whatever. You just didn't do it right. My mother said stay away from her, Pat. She's trouble. She's trying to get her claws in you. Stay away from this woman. I had no interest in this woman. Zero.
Speaker 1:Being brutally honest with you on my podcast, like I am all the time, I was pretty much I was a virgin basically at that point. All right, that's just the truth of it. That's the honest truth. She says you stay away from her. Well, I'm 17. I have no experience at that sort of thing.
Speaker 1:And one day at work, the woman who was almost 27,. This waitress who my mother emphatically told me to stay away from, basically how do I want to say this was very assertive and, let's just say, presented herself in a way that made a 17-year-old with now suddenly raging hormones, it seemed irresistible and basically I was. Basically I don't even know how I want to say this, I was too shy to do anything, but she was very gosh emphatic. I don't know what word I want to say. I'm not trying to accuse anyone. Takes two to tangle, but I was just a kid, I didn't even know what I'm doing.
Speaker 1:So right out the box, cutting to the chase. Bam, she gets pregnant. Bam, she gets pregnant. I just turned 18. I was shocked. She's about to be 27. I was shocked, I didn't know what to do. So all that baseball that I've been working at, my goals, my dreams, my aspirations to be a ball player no-transcript, you know, being a Catholic, I had no inclination whatsoever to do anything drastic to stop that pregnancy. I was just trying to be a decent young man. Well, as it turns out, at the age of 26, 27 years old that she was, she already had two kids. I didn't even know, I don't know, I barely don't even know this woman. She has two other children, two other boys who are half brothers, two different dads. Now she has three, three different dads. She's expecting mine.
Speaker 1:I could get into the idea and the fact that it was awful the way she treated the pregnancy smoking and drinking every single night while I pleaded and cried and begged please stop. I was told F you and she was hammered. You don't even know what you're talking about. You're just a punk kid and I was crying and I was distraught. Anyhow, geez, I shouldn't be sharing. I can't believe I'm sharing this. I can't believe I'm sharing this right now. I can't believe it.
Speaker 1:Fast forward a little ways. Some tremendously irresponsible things happened, occurred, which made me realize that the best option for me and for my son is to get him out of this situation and come and live with me, and we need to get out of there. There are things I really don't want to divulge, but it was some things that were very serious and very irresponsible and I said, for the safety of my son, I need to change this. As I was doing that at this point this is a couple of years into my son, my son Timothy's life I find out that she's having liaisons, rendezvous, whatever you want to call it for most of the people in this little town of Orland, which became, which was revealed to me when I was leaving, I said I have to take my son for the. I can remember the morning I was shaving, telling her listen, I'm sorry. What happened is. There's no excuse for that. It was extremely dangerous and he could have been hurt, he could have died. And you were passed out in the middle of the day and it's unacceptable. And she yelled at me and she told me F you. And she had gained weight at this point and told me she was pregnant with my next child, Stuck around Again, Miserable, Didn't know what to do. Now I'm 20. 21. 21. I'm working hard trying to support this family now.
Speaker 1:My son, Tim, and I tried my best to influence them. They were both influenced. They had different influences and Tim started getting into trouble. My other son's name is Eric and Eric has never been in any trouble. He's a good man. But Timothy, who just passed away and I don't even know the details of how he passed away, I won't even know until today, Maybe today, Maybe, Maybe Tim was always in trouble. He needed a male influence and I don't.
Speaker 1:Everything went awry and I used to have to visit him. In initially juvenile hall he was living with his. I couldn't get him away from living with his mother. I begged him. I pleaded with him son, come and live with me. But you know, when you're a little guy it's hard to leave your mom. You know you start crying and you know your dad means well, but you know it's hard. Can I leave my mom? I can't leave her, She'll be in trouble. You know that kind of you're looking out for your mom and I get that. I would be looking out for mine and I did look out for my mom as well. So I, for a period of time he lived with me, but I couldn't convince him. You know, that it was okay to be away from his mother. He felt guilty about it and I said well, son, if you want to go back and try it, I don't think that's in your best interest. I think your best interest is here.
Speaker 1:You know, and again, I was working full time. So in the midst of myself, in the midst of working full time, I had dreams and aspirations of my own, because now I wasn't going to be a baseball player. I was too far behind going to be a baseball player, I was too far behind. So I'm working at Musco Olives in Orland and I would daydream all the time about being in radio. I'd be out there. I had a job where I was out there, working basically essentially by myself, in this one, in these parts of the olive plant where they were remote, and I'm out there doing a job that only I do, and I'd be listening to the radio. And I used to think, God, you know, I could do, I think I could do this.
Speaker 1:But again, here I am, I'm 24 and now I'm at 25 years old before I finally made the change. Life is passing me by. I'm now going to have kids at an early age. I'm going to be ended up. I'm going to end up working at an olive plant for my whole life, which is never anything that I dreamt of, and I just realized at this time that it was like the song says it's now or never.
Speaker 1:One day. They asked me to do something. I said I can't do that. I'm not going to do that. Matter of fact, I'm going to. And after almost six years of employment with this place I was good at my job I quit, I clocked out and they asked me what I was going to do. I'll never forget this. The two bosses asked me as I was walking away what are you going to do? I said I'm going to go to college. And they laughed at me, Said don't come back looking for your job, college boy. And that's all it took. I was already motivated, but that motivated me even further. So now I'm in college.
Speaker 1:I go to Butte College trying to raise my sons and I'm trying to show my sons that you can get out there and you can overcome and you can make something of yourself. If you have a dream, you can make it happen. My son, Tim, was a very talented artist. Let's make this happen. I want to show you inspiration. And so I went to college. I went to Butte College. Eventually I became one of the most outstanding. It's an award I literally got in 2004, Most Outstanding Alumni, Hall of Fame alumni of Butte College. Aaron Rodgers is in that class, Larry Allen, Congressman LaMalfa.
Speaker 1:I was trying to be a positive influence on my children's lives and that maybe they would see that. Run with that, be inspired by that, come and live with me so I could show them that there's another way. You would have to know how they were living. I would have to get into that. But I'm not here to disparage their mother, her way of life or any of that. That would be for another show and I won't do that show. But suffice it to say they needed some help big time. The situation they were living in was not good. So as I'm going to college and I have this letter right in front of me, I'll open it up for you.
Speaker 1:I just found this from the San Francisco, Northern California, National Academy of Television Academy Awards. The Academy Awards took place last night. This is from the Academy Awards April 4th 1989. Your name, Pat Walsh, is going to appear in the April 29th Emmy Awards program as a semifinalist for an Emmy. I mean yes, for an Emmy. They sent me a copy of the awards program, the certificate of the awards ceremony. I was one of two semifinalists for an Emmy Award 1989. They strongly urged that I compete again for this, For a documentary I did on the homeless way back before.
Speaker 1:It is what it is now in 1989. There was a big write-up about me in the Chico Enterprise record Hold to my camera talked about the fact that I was a semi-finalist for an Emmy while in college at Chico State. Also in front of me right now, holding in my hand my centennial commencement, the class of 91, Chico State Faculty and graduating class of California State University of Chico Announced that Patrick Anthony Walsh is a candidate for the bachelor's of arts degree information communication studies option in instructional technology. At the 101st annual commencement, Sunday morning, May 26, nine o'clock, 1991 University Stadium, I graduated that day. My sons were there.
Speaker 1:I was trying so hard to show them that dad was able to overcome some very early life mistakes. Not that I was showing them and or indicating to them or portraying them in any way as a mistake. That's not what I meant to say right there. But I'm talking about perhaps in my mind I had made mistakes and I was trying to make myself feel better about myself. But I was trying to show them more, not mistakes but through some adversity, let's say through some adversity, because I love my kids and I can't say that they're mistakes, no matter how that went down. But I think you get what I'm trying to say there. I just trying to show them that even if you get sidetracked or you have adversity or whatever, you can make your dreams come true. Is all I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1:Then, as things moved on, they were two very different boys. Tim was always in trouble. I'd have to visit him at Juvenile Hall. Eventually I was trying to again inspire him, motivate him, whatever I could do, change his way of life, his way of thinking, with some positivity. That wasn't working. You know, I've never spent a day in jail in my entire life, Never. And I think sometimes, the more that he was incarcerated or behind bars or locked up, that maybe the more the attitude of that environment and attitude seeped into his personality, into his soul. Eventually I began to visit Tim at Mule Creek Prison. I was devastated.
Speaker 1:I used to visit him. We'd go into the visiting room. We had these vending machines. It was all, it's all over. You know they have someone in there watching the whole room, Officers watching everything, every move. They have these vending machines around the room where you, if the incarcerated individual wants something from a vending machine. You can go get it from them or for them, but they can never touch the money and they can never touch the vending machine. You must do it for them and if you do not, and if they touch that money or that machine, all hell breaks loose.
Speaker 1:One day I was there visiting my son. We went to a vending machine and standing directly in front of me at the vending machine, picking out with his individual, whoever this woman was purchasing the food for him, was Lyle Menendez. And I thought to myself you must be kidding that I would have a son that is incarcerated in the same place as Lyle Menendez. And I thought to myself you must be kidding that I would have a son that is incarcerated in the same place as Lyle Menendez. Just disgraceful, Just so I and being honest with you, I'm not trying to disparage my son. My son was talented, he loved me. He would make sure to tell me he loved me. I cannot believe I'm using his name in past tense or using him in he was. He was saying it in past tense. I loved him and he loved me.
Speaker 1:Now, the last, let's say, two years, he needed a bus ticket. He needed to get back to a certain place. I said, let me take care of that. I got him the bus ticket. I said you need to come here and be part of this family so we can. Because he desired to be a part of our family and to meet his cousins and to see his aunts and to see his uncles and to be a part of that scene. And I said, Timothy, please, we would love to have you come up this way and let's integrate you back into the family so we can all love you and show you that love and show you that respect and show you a different perspective in life. We can help you. Let's do something, Please. He wanted to do that. I was very encouraged.
Speaker 1:Once that phone call was over, I didn't hear back, and so I tried to get a hold of his friends and suddenly the number that I had for him. I couldn't get a hold of him. So I tried to reach out on social media, private messaging. I didn't get any answer. A couple of years go by. I don't know what's going on. I'm telling him Timothy, please reach out to me, Please respond, Please. I just need to know what's going on. I'm telling him Timothy, please reach out to me, Please respond, Please, I just need to know how you're doing and I would get nothing back. And every day I think about it and every day I think about it. He was a very troubled young man and I was looking at his Facebook page yesterday, looking at photos of him and reading some of the things that he was saying on Facebook and some of the things really caught me off guard. He wrote this you know he had a couple of different Facebook pages so I didn't really see this particular thing. It is really. It's chaotic, somewhat crazy sounding, and yet it's almost a reaching out for help.
Speaker 1:I don't want to read the whole thing. There's a lot of cursing in there which, whatever, that's no big deal, Waking up all the fake and they can't take. They suck, Keeping shit real Pretend. Friends tend to fake. Feel For real, Real nonsense. Rent, do relentlessly, Let pests infesting their pestering rests when in defense no change.
Speaker 1:Common sense, Dollars break links, Makes no sense. Penniless, Too poor to afford and unbreakable. Now he is too tense Since bent spends. Space rents In place, Relations bruised. His used, bent, dented, pent, spent On bullshit defense, Reflective reminisce who is this? New nuances Loosened his friends Boosted. Now in rent spent, Influenced by gone air Wrong moves With his sis. Insist Room exists in the tent, Fraudulent friends in the hole with none, Not one plus A hundred, plus with gun. I mean it goes on and on. It's out there. It goes on and on it's out there.
Speaker 1:Almost seems like a cry for help to me. I never saw that, but I could feel it in his voice and in the pain in his voice when I would speak with him. No pillow, nothing, no will. So sad weeps under this willow. Smiled, he lies still. Windows of the soul flew when the wind blew. He went blowing, sent repent pain brought by storms, clouds. He came, then went, Wish his time was better spent. Now he's gone. Wonder if his soul was better spent. Now he's gone. Wonder if his soul was saved. Heaven sent. What was the meaning if one was never meant, If one was ever meant by Tim Walsh? You know I didn't know if I wanted to do this podcast. Like I said, I'm devastated, I'm sad and I'm debating whether to do my radio show tonight. I probably will. I guess I just needed to end with a song. My son loved music just like I did, and I guess this one comes to mind today for some reason piano plays softly.
Speaker 2:My child arrived just the other day. He came to the world in the usual way, but there were planes to catch and bills to pay. He learned to walk while I was away and he was talking, for I knew it and as he grew he'd say I'm gonna be like you, dad. You know I'm gonna be like you and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon when you're coming home, dad. I don't know when, but we'll get together then, you know, we'll have a good time. Then. My son turned ten just the other day. He said thanks for the ball, dad. Come on, let's play. Can you teach me to throw? I said not today, I got a lot to do. He said that's okay and then he walked away, but his smile never dimmed. He said I'm gonna be like him yeah, harry Chapin, coming home. That I don't know when, but we'll get together then, you know, we'll have a good time then.
Speaker 1:Harry Chapin. There's a way of summing things up in so many situations.
Speaker 2:just this song, well he came from college just the other day. So much like a man. I just had to say, son, I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1:Can you sit for a while? He shook his head and utter honesty with you. Today is okay with you, All right. Thanks for listening to Pat's Peeps 219. Hopefully I'll see you on the radio tonight.
Speaker 2:Rest in peace, son. I've long since retired. My son's moved away. I called him up just the other day. I said I'd like to see you if you don't mind. He said I'd love to Dad if I can find the time. You see, my new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu. But it's sure nice talking to you Dad. It's been sure nice talking to you.
