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Pat Walsh
Pat's Peeps Podcast
Ep. 337 Today's Peep Prescribes Laughter as Medicine: Comedy Stories and Jokes : )
Welcome once again, my friends, to the show that never ends. Thank you, elp. It's the Pat's Peeps podcast welcoming you on this Wednesday. So nice to be with you.
Speaker 1:24th day of September 2025, and today I look out the studio window. See no walk. Today, at least for the podcast. I'm going to go on my walk after this. Hopefully it inspired some of you to go and get a little workout in. But I thought I'm going to, because we're always trying to do something different on Pat's Peeps podcast. Today we're going to do that Today. Well, you don't have to listen much to me today, because I'm going to let the show do the talking. We'll release some dopamines today, I hope. No doom scrolling like we talked about yesterday. Instead, today we dedicate this Pat's Peeps 337, to stories and jokes Stories and jokes that are funny.
Speaker 1:By the way, I am the host of the Pat Wall Show, heard on KFPK Radio 7 to 10 pm, monday through Friday, on a flamethrower. Kfpk Radio 50,000 watts, biggest radio station and most popular radio station in Sacramento. 7 to 10 pm, 93.1 FM, 1530 am. Please support your local business. Hey, if you go to patspeepscom right now, I'm going to keep reminding you. Free food for you, two-for-one entrees until the end of this month, until September 30th, at Rock and Soul Diner, 10th Street in Sacramento, and we may. I'm hoping to have a huge announcement tomorrow. I can't promise it, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Speaker 3:So, without further ado, my friends, it's story time, it's fun time, joke time right here on pat's peeps 337 so things are much better now oh god, yeah, I was in a uh, a marvelous room with another fellow who, uh, who said to the there was a very cold looking nurse, very stern, and he said to her. She said, well, what are you going to have for breakfast? And he said could I have? He said some orange juice. But you know the little cups they use for the urine specimen. He says could you empty one of those out and put the orange juice in that cup? He says, because when I like to smell a little urine. He says when, when, and she is looking at me when I drink the orange.
Speaker 3:He says and could you let me have two eggs? I like them runny, like don't maybe put them on the grill, maybe for four, maybe three seconds the most, and don't use butter, use Crisco. Or if you have some Pennzoil, and this nurse is staring at him, he says give me some bacon, some bacon. I want it rare, raw if possible. I want raw bacon and I want coffee left over from last week. She says what are you talking about? I can't serve you a breakfast like that. He says well, you did yesterday.
Speaker 4:Would you believe?
Speaker 3:I was sitting there. I couldn't believe that the guy was talking you get the funniest roommates.
Speaker 2:I'll tell you. You're lucky all the time. Listen, can I tell a story about what this man did to me? Once you may have known or heard about this, it was a true story. This was a long time ago, long before Don got married. I was eating dinner in a restaurant in New York and I was sitting with some friends and he over to the table and he said Frank, do me a favor with you. He said I'm sitting with a very pretty girl and I'm trying to make out, you know. And he said I told her I know you and she really doesn't believe me. Would you stop by the table? I said, all right, I was just about finished, I was down to the espresso. And finally he went back and I walked the table and I said how are you, don, nice to see you? He said can't you see I'm eating, frank, what are you doing? And I went through the whole thing. You watched it with my mouth open.
Speaker 3:Now, Norm, we're running out of time, but I would be remiss here if I didn't bring up something. People have been bothering me about this for months and months. People come on the show and they say the next time you see Norm MacDonald, he's got some tremendous stories about the great Bob Euchre. Now do you have a story you can tell us about Bob Euchre? Voice of the Milwaukee Brewers.
Speaker 7:Well, Bob Euchre is one of my best friends. He's a great man. I know Artie told a story when he was here and Bob was not too thrilled with that.
Speaker 2:It was Artie Lang. You're talking about Artie Lang, yeah.
Speaker 7:But Bob is a very, very funny man and I often go in the booth with him, you know, oh sure. So one time we were there and John Fogerty was in the audience. You know a fortunate son, you know. So John Fogarty was there. So Bob Uecker is a very interesting guy. He thinks of everybody as the same. He doesn't think of people as stars or anything like that. He's a very down to earth guy. So he was talking to me. He says hey man, you know that guy, I go. Yeah, he goes. That's it is he goes. Yeah, man, he goes. But I played in a golf tournament with him. He goes. You probably think of him as some that likes to bite the heads off of chickens, but this guy can.
Speaker 7:That's exactly how I think of him. This guy can get it out of the sand trap like nobody's f---- business. So he goes. He's got a hell of a set of pipes on him. He goes come to seventh inning stretch, I'll have him up here he'll sing for you. So I said no, no, bob, don't do that Like, don't have him come up and sing for me, please. You know he goes. What's the matter, man? Don't we even know who he is. He got all mad at me. So I go. Yes, bob, I know who he is. He did Creedence Clearwater Revival. He goes. Yeah, he did all that.
Speaker 9:I was hunting upstate New York and I shot a moose and I strap him onto the fender of my car and I'm driving home along the West Side Highway. But what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose, it just creased his scalp, knocking him unconscious. And I'm driving through the Holland Tunnel. The moose woke up. So I'm driving with a live moose on my fender. The moose is signaling for a turn. You know there's a law in New York State against driving with a conscious moose on your fender Tuesdays, thursdays and Saturday. And I'm very panicky. And then it hits me some friends of mine are having a costume party. I'll go, I'll take the moose, I'll ditch him at the party. It wouldn't be my responsibility. So I drive up to the party and I knock on the door. The moose is next to me. Door. The moose is next to me. My host comes to the door. I say hello, you know the Solomons. We enter. The moose mingles Did very well Scored. Some guy was trying to sell him insurance for an hour and a half.
Speaker 9:12 o'clock comes, they give out prizes for the best costume of the night. First prize goes to the Berkowitz's, a married couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. The moose is furious. He and the Berkowitz's lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious. Now I figure here's my chance. I grab the moose, strap him to my fender and shoot back to the woods. But I got the Berkowitz's to the woods. But I got the Berkowitz's. I'm driving along with two Jewish people on my fender. There's a law in New York State Tuesdays, thursdays and especially Saturday. The following morning the Berkowitz's wake up in the woods in a moose suit. Mr Berkowitz is shot, stuffed and mounted at the New York Athletic Club. And the joke is on them because it's restricted.
Speaker 10:I started a joke which started the whole world crying Hats peeps 337.
Speaker 1:But I didn't see. Oh well, crying Hats peeps 3.37. But I didn't see.
Speaker 11:That the joke was on me, oh no. And now the most horrible thing that can happen to our house is on its way. His mother is coming to visit King Kong with an overnight bag. How can I describe her jello with a?
Speaker 11:belt when the old bat sits down and takes the whole mess five minutes to settle when she takes her girdle off, her feet disappear. Putting a girdle on her is like putting a band-aid on a guy who had his head cut off. Last time she bought a girdle, a US rubber went up eight points. You know what it says on her bra Wide load. We still have a souvenir from her last visit a persian throw rug.
Speaker 13:She sat on the cat all right, I'm gonna start this one off by saying I got a lot of black friends okay, most of them I got through playing football. They were my teammates. We've been to war together on the football field, loving to death. Now, with that being said, ever since I have had said friends, they have told me that I have a bad habit of putting them in white people positions. I do not fully understand what they mean, but they gave me the reference of like passing a cop on a two-lane road because he's going underneath the speed limit. Apparently they ain't supposed to do. That makes them nervous. Anyway, about a week ago get a call from buddy. Mine play football together says hey, buddy, I want you to come to cookout. Hell, you ain't got to hit me in the face with a wet mop. I like cookouts.
Speaker 13:So I show up to the cookout, all right. As I step out of my pick them up truck, I realize the only three white things at this cookout is the salt shaker, the napkins and me. All right, as I'm walking up, I am being greeted by his grandma and grandpa and his great-grandma and grandpa and his 47 cousins. All right, which there's no way for me to remember all these people's names. Anyway, there's a long table where the food everybody's eating that, okay, they bring me over and set me down at the head of the table. I'm already, I'm already really uncomfortable at this point because I don't know what's about to happen. Well, they say the blessing and I get up to go fix my food. Well, I was not aware that at a black cookout you do not fix your own plate, they fix your plate for you. Now they bring me a whopping dixie plate that some bitches round it off like this with barbecue. Okay, and I'm gonna eat it. Don't get me wrong, I don't waste food, I'm gonna eat it.
Speaker 13:So as I'm sitting there munching away, you know, just kind of getting my bearings about where I'm at, these two ladies walk up to me, two of his aunties with two different potato salads. All right, they say we want to get your your opinion on which one of these is better. Now, apparently, just because I'm white, I'm supposed to know the different calibers of mayonnaise. Well, I ain't fitting to piss nobody off at this cookout, okay, so I ate both of them and I told them that they were just so damn good Both of them. I couldn't pick one.
Speaker 13:Now, at this current time I am almost in a food coma because I've ate so much because I didn't want to disrespect Nobody's cooking there. And then his great grandmama Mama T, that's what they call her she comes up to me with what looks like a five-pound piece of cherry pie. Now let me paint a picture for you. I've got the meat sweats, all right. I've got barbecue sauce on my shirt. I'm drifting in and out of consciousness and she's bringing me a five-pound piece of pie.
Speaker 13:Now I saw Friday After Next. I know what happens when you disrespect somebody's grandmama. I saw what happened to Craig and Day-Day when they disrespected somebody's grandmama. You ain't fitting to be chasing me through these pines because we way out in the woods at this cookout. I'm white, not stupid. So as I eat this pie which I'm eating this pie because I ain't fitting to piss off nobody, especially the head woman there, because she ranked up top. That's great grandma, you don't mess with her. I finish this pie and I drift off into a Caucasian kikosis of a food coma. I did just like this right here, just like this. I went whew, I'm full. As soon as I lifted my head back up the table I'm sitting at is no more food on this table. I don't know how long I was out for, but somehow I'm still in the same chair. I have been dealt into a high-stakes spades game at an all-black cookout besides me. What the fuck is going on? How did I get?
Speaker 1:here. At what point in my life did I take this?
Speaker 13:turn to take me to where I'm at and the cards is in front of me and I got no idea how to play spades. Okay, none, I got no idea. All right, I'm white. We played go fish and corn hole All we did. We got bored. One day, literally did the whitest thing possible walked out in the field, got some corn, took our pocket knives and cut it off to stalk All right, put it in a bag, went over there, found some plywood in the shed, cut a hole in it, put it on an angle and we tossed it at each other. That's what we do.
Speaker 13:I have no idea what spades is, so, as they give me the runaround idea of what the hell is going on with this spades game, I look at my hand and I realize that I probably got a pretty decent hand. Well, they asked me. They said, zach, how many books you got, which they had just explained this to me now I'm talking about just now. I said it looks like I got eight books. Apparently, that is the wrong damn answer for your first hand of spades ever, because as soon as I said I got eight books, three Glock 9s hit the top of the table. I've got every damn spade you could possibly have and three other aces.
Speaker 13:Well, as I survive that round, I go to get up and one of his cousins come over and taps me on the shoulder and says hey, buddy, you want to go throw bones? I don't know what they're talking about. I ain't got a shitting clue what they're talking about, but I ain't going to piss nobody off. You got to talking about, but I ain't gonna piss nobody off. You gotta understand. At this point I am in survival mode. I am not pissing not one person off at this cookout. I do whatever they tell me to do. If they want me to stand on my head and blow bubbles out of my ass, I will do it, don't hurt me. Okay now, I did not know bones meant dice. I was leaning more toward dominoes, which I kind of knew how to play from the Elks Lodge, but apparently bones means dice. I lost $36 so fast my fucking head was spinning, okay. And apparently when they yell Gator, that just code word for white man loses, cuz they just took my money. I just put some more down until I ran out of money, which is fine.
Speaker 13:Made it through that one too now, as I'm slowly trying to make my way back to my truck. I went over to thank mama t. You know I think I thank my buddy. I thanked everybody on the way to my truck and I've got my truck in my sights. I am zeroed in on my truck trying to leave this place.
Speaker 13:Now I get to my truck, I put my hand on my truck to go open it and there's a like a sense of relief that comes over me, like I didn't piss nobody off, nothing went wrong. I went. I made it. Now, as I open my door, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around. The whole damn cookout is behind me.
Speaker 13:Everybody there is right around my truck, with Mama T right there in the front and my buddy, and he looked at me. He said hey, buddy, next week's Mama T's birthday, you coming back. And I looked at him, bamboozled on what to say, and the only thing I could come up with was you damn right, I'm coming back because that's the best damn barbecue I've ever had in my life. I don't know if you've ever been to all black cookout, but I'm gonna tell you, if you get the invitation, you better take that shit, because that is the best food you ever gonna get and the nicest damn people.
Speaker 13:I scared shitless. I ain't gonna lie, I'm a big guy. I was acting like a little bitch, I didn't know what was happening but at the same time that's the most fun and some of the best people I've ever been around in my entire life. I'm going back next week, bet. I told him. I said y'all need me to bring something like some ice, cuz I ain't trying to cook with y'all. You know you want some ice or like or like some of you me. Go get my little cousin Kyle to wear his monster hats and shit and bring him. He'll feel at home. He got wife beaters and stuff, what y'all need. They told me I couldn't bring nothing but myself, me and I, which I will be there. I'm white, not stupid. I ain't pissing nobody off. Shit Roll another blunt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh good, that's Peeps 3. 37. Ew Ew.
Speaker 14:Ta-ta, wait, la-la-la-la, look at your side, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Yeah, I was gonna clean my room until I got high. I was gonna get up and find the broom, but then I got high. My room is still messed up and I know why Cause I got high because I got high class before I got high. Come on, y'all Check it out. I could have cheated and I could have passed, but I got high. I'm taking the next semester and I know why. Cause I got high because I got high. Because I got high. Go to the next one. Go to the next one. Go to the next one.
Speaker 12:I thought I'd head out and do some exploring, seeing as how I might not come here again for quite a spell. Well, I got to walking and I want to tell you that I done seen every kind of place you could imagine I did, a place you could imagine I did. There was a place for eating, a place for drinking, a place for dancing and just about everything I can think. But there's this one place that seemed kind of curious. I could hear the music playing from outside and it wasn't like the music we used to back home. I mean, I couldn't hear a fiddle, nor banjo, nor steel guitar anywhere to be heard. Now it was loud and thumping. And there's a big muscly fella sitting outside and he says friend, come on in. I says I believe I will. Then he tells me it's going to be $10. I says $10 for what? And he says that that's for the cover charge and your first drink. I says, in that case, I believe I'll have me a big arm.
Speaker 12:Well, friends, I walked inside and I want to tell you that I ain't never seen such a place in all my days. There was men sitting around and smoking cigars and hooting and hollering, and pretty gals walking around carrying drinks and wearing the scampiest little things and I don't know what all. Then I looked up and I seen on a big stage, like the kind at the state fair, a pretty little number wearing nothing but a smile and some of them big old high heel boots. She was. Now she's wiggling around and dancing and the men, they's giving her dollars, which is kind of silly like, because she doesn't have no place to put them. Well, I looked over and I says to the fellow next to me I says where have I stumbled upon? I did.
Speaker 12:Well, he pulled that cigar out his mouth and he pats me on the back and he says friend, have a lap dance.
Speaker 12:So he waves down one of the gals with a skimpy-like outfit and she starts a-dancin' about me, real slow-like, and when she turned around I could see that her shorts was too small, like maybe she ain't gotten any new ones for a while, cause these ones was a-bindin' and a-creepin' they was. Well, she done, finished her dance and says to me that'll be ten dollars Again with the ten dollars, and this time I was pretty sure there wasn't gonna be no Big Orange to go along with it. It was getting on about 9.30, and I figured, since it was so late and I'd done run out of $10 bills, I'd best be getting on Now. I ain't never been back to that there place since, but I have done some studying Now what I figure is that that was a charitable type place where the men, who's all rich and such come together to give them their gals, who's less fortunate and all some of their extra money so they can go out and buy clothes.
Speaker 4:Hey, mark, excuse me, I'm on my way to 3768. Kind of got hung up. It's raining out here. I'm on my way into Dallas. Jerry's probably going to be calling you to find out where I'm at. If he can't get a hold of me, I'm sure so. Whoa, whoa man, I just had a wreck right in front of me. This guy ran a red light and hit four old ladies in an Impala, just kind of clipped them and turned them around right in front of me. Man, that was close. Oh, now this guy's getting out of his car. He's got a white shirt on with a tie and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He's throwing his hands up in the air like it was their fault. Oh, hold on, hold on. He's going over to their window. She's rolling down the window, oh man.
Speaker 8:I think she sprayed him with pepper spray. Man. He's holding his face and he's on his knees.
Speaker 2:She's getting out. She's beating him with an umbrella. The other women are getting out too. There's an umbrella.
Speaker 8:The other women are getting out too. There's one woman with a little black purse and she's time to walk it in, man.
Speaker 2:She looks like a Sunbelt 20-horsepower jackhammer.
Speaker 8:We've got another woman, that's she's hitting him like he's got a cattle pride man.
Speaker 2:She's got an umbrella that she's sticking in his side.
Speaker 8:Oh, there's another one that it's a little woman who looks like Mother Goose.
Speaker 2:She's got, oh, she beamed him. She beamed him. She's got this U-bid bag. She's got, oh big bag.
Speaker 8:It's huge. It's about this size of her. She's about four foot, nothing, she hit him over the head.
Speaker 2:Everything went all over the place. Her Bible fell. She just hit him in the head with a Bible.
Speaker 8:She picked this Bible up and she lifted it way over her head. She's got this huge big bag. It's huge.
Speaker 2:It's huge. It's about this size of her.
Speaker 8:She picked this Bible up and she lifted it way over her head.
Speaker 2:It was a hardback NBI version. Oh, they're still beating the hell out of this guy.
Speaker 8:She picked this Bible up and raised it up above her head and just beamed the guy, this guy's not getting up, they're still hitting him.
Speaker 2:The woman with the little black purse is still.
Speaker 8:Oh pieces of.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, he's up on the. The little woman just beamed him again with that big bag, he's running to his car.
Speaker 8:He's out of here.
Speaker 2:Oh, the little bitty mother goose woman. She's stuck into him as he's driving off.
Speaker 8:I wish you would have been here, man.
Speaker 2:This is too good.
Speaker 6:Hit me 1-1-1 a long time ago. Don't you see how late they're reacting? They only come when they come when they wanna. So get them off truck and then bomb the corner. They don't care, cause they stay paid anyway. They treat you like an ace. They can't beat the trade. I know you stumble with no use people. If your life is on the line, then you're dead today. Late comers, with the late comers stretching, that's a body bag in disguise, y'all, I'll bet. Ya, I call them body stances, cause they come to fetch you With an autopsy ambulance just to dissect. Ya, they are the kings, cause they swing amputations, lose your arms, your legs and then, with compilation, I can prove it to you. Watch the rotation. It all adds up to a f***ing situation. So get up and get, get, get down. 9-1-1 is joking yo town. Get up and get, get, get down. Late. 9-1-1 wears a late crown. Get up and get, get, get down. 9-1-1 is joke in your town. Get up and get, get, get down. Late. 9-1-1 wears a late crown.
Speaker 5:Here we are again, the animal stories News team Anchorman. Here's me, your charming and delightful old Uncle Lair, and there's him in person. Hi, little snot-nosed Tommy, hi, tommy, hi, uncle Lair, hi everybody. According to police in Willinghall, england, a horse-drawn cart of scrap drew up behind a motorcyclist at a railroad crossing gate which was down to allow a train to pass. The horse proceeded to drool on the cyclist. Here's some biker a little time Sitting there on his big Harley Minding his own business, waiting for this train to go by. Horse pulls up, starts drooling, so he got mad, it says here, gave the horse his best elbow shot right to the well. Right in the process, when he, when he lifted up his arm to give this horse an elbow shot, he let go of his clutch and his motorcycle lurched forward, little Tommy, into the car in front of him. Meanwhile the horse who has just been punched in the face rear is up dump saw the load of scrap onto the car behind, which rolled backwards under the weight and rammed the front of yet another car on the line.
Speaker 5:Now, seeing this chain reaction, a passing dog walker tied his terrier to the railroad gate and went to help out. But the train had passed and the gate went up, pulling the dog 20 feet into the air by his neck. See, the dog's owner shouted to another pedestrian to lower the gate, which came down on and damaged the roof of a passing Mercedes Benz. Oh wow, down on and damaged the roof of a passing Mercedes Benz. Oh wow. I don't know how the doesn't say how the dog is. I suppose it would depend on which side of the gate he was tied to. He was on the side that came crashing down to the Mercedes Benz. A dog probably not gonna be. Yeah.
Speaker 10:Some people call me the space cowboy. Yeah, some call me the gangster of love.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to my Pat's Peeps 337. Some people call me Hope. You just put a smile on your face. All we're trying to do on this Wednesday.
Speaker 10:Of the pompatists of love.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening. Spend a little time with us. Patspeepscom Two for one meals Right there in our great merch store. Please check it out. Support local business. Have a great Wednesday. We'll see you.
Speaker 10:On the radio. I'm a joker, I'm a smoker. I'm a midnight toker. I sure don't want to hurt no one. I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover and I'm a sinner. I play my music in the sun. I'm a joker, I'm a smoker. I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker. I get my loving on the run.
