Pat's Peeps Podcast

PAT'S PEEPS HALLOWEEN "SCARETACULAR" 2025

• Pat Walsh

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What happens when Halloween nostalgia collides with consumer nightmares and a haunted house line that just won’t end? We mash satire, music, and storytelling into a fast, punchy ride—from a deadpan “interview” about unsafe toys and marketing spin to campy monster choruses that resurrect the joy of novelty records. The result is a crooked funhouse mirror: sharp jokes about risk dressed up as play, stitched together with melodies that make fear feel strangely friendly.

We kick off by skewering the way brands sanitize danger, showcasing a gallery of ridiculous “playthings” that would never pass a sniff test. Then we pivot into musical mischief—mummies shuffling, bones clacking, mad labs humming—honoring the retro sound of Halloween while poking fun at its lovable clichés. Along the way, we talk costumes and identity, that awkward moment when your public persona follows you to the porch while your kids are out for candy, and how humor keeps you steady when the crowd turns snarky.

Midway through, a throwback trailer for Invaders from Mars channels old-school sci‑fi paranoia and the fear of infiltration, drawing a line from Cold War shivers to modern-day rumor cycles. Finally, we land on a true Halloween saga: a fast pass that becomes a marathon, a phone that dies at the gate, and a cop encounter resolved by a joke so clean it breaks stoic faces. We wrap with a Great Pumpkin nod and a smoky, ghostly tune, celebrating the strange sincerity that keeps us believing in magic for one more night. Hit play, subscribe for more chaotic charm, and leave a review with your funniest haunted house fail—what went sideways for you?

SPEAKER_11:

Good evening and welcome to the holiday of consumer problems. For instance, the rubber section comes off and the arrows become dangerous. We have with us tonight Mr. Irwin Mainway, president of Mainway choice. Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless playthings. Pretty peggy ear piercing set Mr. Skin Grafter, General Trump, Secret Police Confession Kit, and Doggy Dentist. And what about this innocent rubber doll? Would you mark it under the name Johnny Switchblade? Depress his head. And two sharp knives. Mr. Mainway, I'm afraid this is by no means a safe toy.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, I'm just going to correct you on one thing here, okay? First of all, the full name of this product that's appears in stories all over the country is Johnny Switchblade Adventure Punk. No, I mean, uh, you know, nothing goes wrong. It's just little girls buying them. You know, they play games and make up stories, nothing gets hurt. I mean, so uh Barbie uh takes a knife once in a while, okay? I mean, uh, it's not permanent, I mean, as far as I can see, you know.

SPEAKER_11:

I see, fine, fine. Well, we'd like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway's products. It retails for$198, and it's called Bag of Glass. Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous glass bits. Yeah, right. It's uh, you know, it's it's a glass, it's a broken glass.

SPEAKER_08:

He's wrapped up tight, buddy, ready to go at the midnight dance down in Cairo. Down in the tomb where it's dark and deep. The mommy woke up from a thousand years' sleep. He heard the beat and he couldn't resist. Unwrapped his feet and he shook his face. It's the mommy shuffle, drag your feet.

unknown:

What do the mommy shuffle? Can't be feet. One step, two step, rattle the phone.

SPEAKER_08:

The mommy shuffle, who shakes the stone.

SPEAKER_07:

What do you want?

SPEAKER_08:

The bandages lift and the crowd went wild. Even Frankenstein's monster smiled. The wolfman howled and the goose clapped hands while the mommy danced to the desert stands. It's the mommy shuffle, drag your feet. What do the mommy shuffle? Can't be beat. What do the one step, two-step, rattle of bones?

SPEAKER_14:

The mommy shuffle shakes the stone. My cousin hates Halloween. He hates Halloween, boy. I don't mind Halloween. Our cat died two days before this year, so we left him in the yard for extra decoration for the cat. You dress up for Halloween? I did this year. My buddy, I wanted to help him out. He's got a health food business. He started a little gym in there, so I dressed up, put on a dress, and went as a trans fat. I always go with my kids drink or treat. You know, but here's the problem. I'm very flattered people dress like me when they drink a drink. But it's weird when I go, because I'm just hanging out with my kids. Then knock on the door, people like, oh, look, little Batman, little Superman. Ah, Larry the cable guy, that's good costume. Then I always hear somebody from the back of the room, who is it? He dressed like Larry the cable guy.

SPEAKER_17:

Then I hear, ah, that guy sucks.

SPEAKER_14:

What the hell? Next time I'm gonna go as Foxworthy, all right. That's true. I don't care if anybody thinks he sucks.

SPEAKER_05:

We body fatties just need to leave everything.

SPEAKER_02:

You put up the back, wait, wait, don't move another bother. And please don't wake your brother.

SPEAKER_04:

You get up at night, make it with you're gonna make this a real ghost time.

SPEAKER_03:

I never go that way again. If you hear where I found, you gotta look all around. Here come the boogey man.

SPEAKER_12:

Invaders from Mars. He saw them land from outer space. He saw them capture innocent people only to destroy. Father turned against son. People changed into strange, weird animals. A general of the army becomes a saboteur. Trusted police turned into arsonists. The boys' parents changed into killers.

SPEAKER_09:

But nobody's getting anywhere upstairs. Nobody can locate anything. Anybody. The Martians, the clouds got the trees.

SPEAKER_12:

Invaders of Mars! Capturing humans at will for their own sinister purposes, turning them into diabolical instruments of destruction. Invaders from Mars. Weird, fantastic beings of a super intelligence, ruling a race of synthetic humans and petting them against mankind's dream to conquer the universe.

SPEAKER_16:

Come on, step on it!

SPEAKER_18:

Search every time, we gotta find one of the kids on the current gives us things to get back here on the couple of people.

SPEAKER_00:

It was at the Mansfield Reformatory where they filmed the Shawshank Redemption and do Haunted Houses. And I went down there for my friend's birthday and uh we were there, and uh the plan was to drink at a bar and then drink at the haunted house and go drink at another bar because we bought fast passes, and we're like, we'll be in and out because we got the fast passes. But it turns out everybody else that went to the haunted house also bought fast passes. And when everybody has a fast pass, it's just the line. So we were in line for like three and a half hours, but don't worry, we brought a ton of booze. So we just got wasted. And then I finally got up to show my ticket, it's on my phone, my phone dies, and the guy's like, Sir, if you don't have a ticket, you can't come in. I was like, Why would I wait in line for three and a half hours if I have a ticket? He's like, I don't know, man, I hate this job, I just want to go home. And then I walk past him and a cop stops me, and the cop's like, hey, no ticket, you gotta get out of here. And I was like, fine, but fuck you. And he's like, Well, now you're under arrest. I'm like, you can't arrest me for saying fuck you. He's like, I can if you're drunk. I'm like, ooh, got me with his legal mumbo jumbo. So since I'm getting arrested, I was like, I might as well lean into it. So I was just like, you look like fat John Cena, everyone can see you. Even his partner laughed at that, like he didn't show it, but he like turned, and you can see his shoulders going like this.

SPEAKER_06:

Down in the lab. You say I'm mad. Well, maybe so. But they want to stay and never go.

SPEAKER_13:

Down in the lab, my toe bones connected to my foot bow. My foot bones connected to my heel bone. My heel bones connected to my ankle bone. That's how they connected those dry bows. Do do do do do do do do do do do.

SPEAKER_17:

Sing it, Charlie, sing it.

SPEAKER_13:

My knee bones connected to my fine bone, my thigh bones connected to my hip bone, that's how they connected those dry bones. Do do do to do to do to do do dock with Dr. Frankenstein is where my story starts. Everything I have may not be mine, but I'm a gentleman of parts. Black bones connect the tuma. Shoulder bone, my shoulder bones connect the tuma. Neck bone, my neck bone is bolded to my head bone, and that's how Herman was born. I was assembled, and that's how a Hermi Baby was born.

SPEAKER_15:

May I speak to you for a moment? Of course. Sit down, won't you? Thank you. Thank you. Fifty-four inch wide.

SPEAKER_07:

Is that what you're telling me? Wait, quick girl.

SPEAKER_16:

The other night, about twelve o'clock, I thought I'd go downstairs just to check the lock. When I heard something in the house, I don't mean a mouse. I swear they was spooks, spooks, spooks. I know they was spooks, spooks, spooks, spooks, couldn't move, just stood and stared. I never was so scared. The first spooks spoke and I heard him speak. He said, what say gonna make the back dog sweep? We'll tease the cat and hound the pump, raise our spirits up. Oh lord of them spooks, spooks, spooks, don't scare me. Old spooks, spooks, spooks, spooks. You don't have to take my wood, but I hood, what I hood.

SPEAKER_07:

The next spook, spooky said, Spoose we make the fossil start to drip and make the shutter shake. You let me know just what you want.

unknown:

This is my favorite haunt.

SPEAKER_07:

Beware of them spooks, spooks, spooks, them mischievous spooks, spooks, spooks, spooks. I hate spooking, man. I mean, that I've seen what I see.

SPEAKER_16:

A big spook spooky said, Spike my son. He said, I'll show you how to scale up some fun. But next time when you're well, see here, you make it the louder and clear. Watch out for them spooks, spooks, spook or those nasty old spooks, spooks, spooks, spooks. Maybe you don't think it's so, but I know what I know.

unknown:

Amen.

SPEAKER_18:

Look down and pity. You killed me.

SPEAKER_10:

Each year the great pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere. He's gotta pick this one. He's got to! I don't see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look all around and there's not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see. It's the great pumpkin! He's rising up out of the fucking patch!

SPEAKER_06:

Hey, hunty, hunty, high. Hey, high, hidey, high. You didn't see me climb to the window. Nobody had to open that door. I just climbed right to the wall and I want you one and all to stand aside and let me have the floor. Take a look, I'm not such a stranger. You can tell me I'm not wanted, but the joints will still be haunted. Cause I'm the ghost of Smokey Joe. Remember when I kicked the bucket in my mansion up on Strivers Row when they came and took me off in the zillion-dollar coffin. Tell me, do you remember Minnie? Yeah, we remember Minnie. That frail I never found. You never recognize your mini. You mean to say that Minnie? Quit kicking the gun around. I got a date on my estate down in Haiti. Call my chariot so I can go. And shoot the boot you're walking. Just tell her you've been talking to the ghost of Smoky June. Yes, I remember Minnie. She's that frill I never found. You mean to say that, Minnie? Quit kicking the gong around. I got a dead on my stake down in Hits. And shift the boots you walk in. Just tell her you've been talking to the ghost of smokey.

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Pat walsh

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