Pat's Peeps Podcast

Ep. 369 Today's Peep Celebrates Holiday Mischief And Merry Mayhem, A Cheerful Tour of Offbeat Christmas Comedy, Oh, and Beware... Grandma's Gift was NOT on the List

• Pat Walsh

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SPEAKER_13:

So here we are once again. There you are. Once again, thank you for that. I appreciate it. It is the Pat's beeps number three sixty-nine. That's right, Pat's beeps three sixty-nine. It's a Tuesday. It's uh beautiful day as I look out of my studio window into the beautiful foothills of Northern California on this. This is uh now December 2nd, uh, 2025. And I am in the Christmas spirit. I hope you enjoyed it. I got some good feedback on our uh Indian Christmas music from our last podcast. I'm gonna go into that on my radio show tonight a little bit too, so I don't usually replicate things, but there's more of that, and it's uh fun to share, you know what I mean? Um by the way, my name, speaking of radio, uh the my radio show, my name is Pat Walsh. Uh the I'm the host of the aptly named Pat Walsh Show, which in case you don't know, airs 7 to 10 p.m. Monday through Friday's KFPK News Radio, 93.1 FM, 1530 a.m. is we're getting, I guess, into the Christmas spirit. Tonight I think I may bring up on my show things like Secret Santa's, white elephant gifts. You ever been in a weird situation where you had to get like a white elephant gift? Or then you get in uh like weird Christmas parties. I should have jotted that one down too. Christmas parties. I don't know if I can tell my Christmas party. But anyhow I might get into some of that. Let's see what else we have. I did, I I I think I mentioned I can't remember if I mentioned Hero or my radio show. I made some killer soup at home. And this soup. I had this leftover turkey. Did I mention that? I don't know, maybe I mentioned here on on the on the the the my radio show, so I'm probably repeating myself. But the the white beans and the turkey and the the green chilies, but the ghost pepper tomatoes. Man, the diced ghost pepper tomatoes. That took it to a whole new level. By the way, taking it to a whole new level, I want to thank New and you, New, uh, who uh I met the other night, who listens to my show. He and his friend Brian, we were at a local uh cigar shop, Tobacco Republic, as we were talking, we hadn't even introduced ourselves, and uh all of a sudden Brian says, What's your name again? I said, Pat. He goes, Pat Walsh, I listen to your show all the time. And then New said that he listens. And so, anyhow, he's the owner of uh a business here in town, and I like to support the local business. Please go to patspeeps.com where you can find two for one dinners. I'm gonna try to extend that out. I'll let you know, but we did that all the way through the month of October and November. But New owns Thai Gardens here in Auburn. He owns a couple of other places that I'm t I'm gonna be telling you about. Outstanding Thai food, I must say. Everyone was so nice, it was very cozy, and you could tell everyone was very satisfied with the food. So thank you, New, my new friend. Pardon the pun, but you don't have to. I mean, anyhow. Um, so as I said, the fact is that I am getting into the Christmas spirit, and with that in mind, you know, I always like to string together a few things here on the path spade. String a few things together. And these are just things that kind of come to mind. But I thought, alright, without further ado, let's keep it light on a Tuesday. I'm gonna keep it light on my show as well. And uh one more thank you for listening to not just my radio show, but to my podcast as we continue on here on Pat's Peeps 369.

SPEAKER_16:

Well, hello there. I'm Larry, the new guide up here in Christmas Town, or as you call it, the North Pole. If you'd like, I'd be happy to show you around. Not much has changed since Rudolph made his historic flight on that foggy Christmas Eve. Oh yes. Rudolph still lives here. In fact, he lives just up over the hill.

SPEAKER_14:

Damn it, Clarice! I said, bring me another beer! What I gotta do, I send up Merry Christmas, Rudolph! Is it hunting season yet? Shoot me in the face and put me out of my misery!

SPEAKER_16:

Ah, that's just the beer talking. You're the most famous reindeer of all. You made history.

SPEAKER_14:

Yeah, well, history doesn't pay the mortgage, Snowball. Those residuals from the show stopped coming in years ago. And Santa cut my Medicaid just when my damn prostate started glowing.

SPEAKER_01:

Grandma got a dildo for Christmas. She just looked at it with a big frown. Grandma got a dildo for Christmas, and Grandpa had the biggest smiling time. We decided on a secret Santa this year. Everyone in our family picked a name, but there wasn't time for any Christmas cheer. Whoever picked Grandma is to blame.

SPEAKER_10:

Grandma got a dildo for Christmas.

SPEAKER_01:

She just looked at it with a big frown. Grandma got a dildo for Christmas, and grandpa had the biggest smile in town.

SPEAKER_13:

Pat's Pabes 369. So glad you like that. We just heard grandma got a dildo for Christmas. This by Doris Knight.

SPEAKER_02:

For now all is calm, and for now all is bright. Till the sound of the doorbell fills this house with fear. Dysfunctional family Christmas is here. Bring in the bags and the baggage we got. You know those in-laws are coming in hot. Hold on to your stock kids. It's about to get away. It's the crazy that comes alone once every year. Dysfunctional family, Christmas is here.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh Clark, what's wrong? Honey. It's bigger than you expected. Smaller? What is it?

SPEAKER_19:

It's a one-year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club.

unknown:

Oh God.

SPEAKER_19:

Clark, it's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. That it is, Edward. That it is indeed.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm sorry. Clark.

SPEAKER_19:

This isn't the biggest bag over the head punch in the face I ever got.

SPEAKER_12:

I have one. I like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight.

SPEAKER_19:

I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people. And I want him brought him right here. With a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye. And I want to tell him what a cheap lying, no good, rotten, foreign-flushing, low-life snake-licking, dirt-eating inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood sucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty worm headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit! Where's the title?

SPEAKER_04:

Don't you know it's Christmas? Yeah. So Christmas. So Christmas, fill me on presents for everyone. Mama's in the kitchen making a turkey that is on the couch. I think I was worried.

SPEAKER_09:

What do you want for Christmas little boy?

SPEAKER_04:

My mind had gone blank. Frantically, I'm trying to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it, blowing it.

SPEAKER_12:

How about the football? Football. Football. What's a football? Without conscious will, my voice squeaked out. Football! Okay, get him out of here. A football! Oh no! What was I doing? Wake up!

SPEAKER_04:

Wake up!

SPEAKER_17:

No, no!

SPEAKER_12:

You should your eye out, kid.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh well uh, Christmas time is the time to be good. But baby, I'm a bad bad kid. A stocking full of kerosene matches in wood. Government surveillance is the start of the war. Ain't no telling what I did. I like to think I'm just misunderstood. But you know I'm just a bad bad kid. Dad, I've told mama last Christmas seed. You know we got a bad bad kid. He's got a black leather jacket and a real mean streak. I guess he's just a bad bad kid. He knocked off the Macy's and my uncle's antiques. Hocked him for 49 quid. He's on a one-way ticket down a dead ass street. Cause mama, he's a bad bad kid.

unknown:

Mr.

SPEAKER_17:

Santa, for Christmas, could I please have a busy Brenda mystery action vacuum cleaner dog?

SPEAKER_05:

No, honey. Sorry.

SPEAKER_17:

Could I have um a battery operated dog family?

SPEAKER_05:

No.

SPEAKER_17:

Flexi the pocket monkey.

SPEAKER_05:

No, you may not have Flexi the Pocket Monkey.

SPEAKER_17:

Mr. Santa, could I have um a Ready Ranger mobile field?

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, I'd have to go all the way out to Corvette to get that. Forget it. What else?

SPEAKER_17:

Could I get a just a little tiny nerf ball? No, no nerf ball. Could I get a Vic Hatfield hockey game?

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, a Vic Hatfield hockey game?

SPEAKER_17:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

Well, no.

unknown:

Ha!

SPEAKER_05:

What else?

SPEAKER_17:

Fluffy.

SPEAKER_05:

Fluffy! Fluffy, you want a fluffy? No. The answer's no, you can't have it. Ha! You want a trapdoor? Whoa!

SPEAKER_11:

Ha ha! Mr. Santa's.

SPEAKER_05:

That's one of Santa's little tricks. That's the price you pay for getting on Santa's lap to give you the trapdoor movie. Mr.

SPEAKER_17:

Santa Barbie was gonna go to Malibu.

SPEAKER_05:

Malibu?

SPEAKER_17:

She needs a tan.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, like I'm Tan from the Sun? Yeah. Well, my name is Santa from Trapdoor, Wisconsin. Oh, there you go on the floor again. Come out up the old trapdoor bit, maybe the oldest one in the book. You fell for it.

SPEAKER_17:

Can I get a sad sad pearl dog?

SPEAKER_05:

Isn't that precious? No. What else don't you want? Or wanna have and can't have?

SPEAKER_17:

Mr. Santa, for Christmas I was hoping I would get a play-doh.

SPEAKER_05:

Play-doh, is that what you want, kitten? Play-doh.

SPEAKER_17:

I want enough to build my parents a house in the country.

SPEAKER_05:

Enough to build your parents a house in the country? Well, I'll tell you what, since that is an awful lot of play-doh, I'll just say no.

SPEAKER_17:

Oh no, Mr. Santa, could I? No, you get it?

SPEAKER_05:

You can't have the Play-Doh.

SPEAKER_17:

Mr. Santa, please have a good one.

SPEAKER_05:

When are you gonna quit?

SPEAKER_17:

Mr. Santa, I don't have much time.

SPEAKER_05:

Santa's getting riled. Don't have much time. He gets ugly.

SPEAKER_17:

Mr. Santa, I would like to get a magic slate.

SPEAKER_05:

A magic slate? Oh. So you can do magic with it.

SPEAKER_17:

So you draw on it.

SPEAKER_05:

Draw on it and then erase it right away, right? So then there's nothing left. Well tell you what. We'll eliminate the little man. And I'll give you nothing. You're hoping. What else were you hoping for? Brainless brat. Stick in your ear. No art masterpieces for you, Christmas time. No, don't bother looking a stocking because it ain't gonna be there.

SPEAKER_17:

But Mr. Sam, what about a set of pizza?

SPEAKER_05:

Well, that seems like a rather small request, just to you know.

SPEAKER_17:

It only doesn't cost very much.

SPEAKER_05:

You want peas?

SPEAKER_17:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

You can't have it! Ha! I love it!

SPEAKER_15:

You're not getting it. That's wack you old Samuel Jingle Bella, jingle bella, jingle bella rock. Jingle bella singer and a jingle bella ringer. Snowing and blowing the bushels of under. Now the jingle of heads be the bun. Jingle bella, jingle bella, jingle bell a rock. Jingle bells a chima, jingle bella timer. Dance in the dance in the jingle bell, a square in the frost tea bride. To rock the night of the jingle bell the time, time to go gliding in the horse sleep.

SPEAKER_19:

Thanks a lot, guys. Merry Christmas. Get the whole boy in the hammer out. Fragile. It must be Italian.

SPEAKER_09:

Well, I think that says fragile thing.

SPEAKER_19:

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_13:

And now for your listening pleasure, right here on Pat's Peeps 369.

SPEAKER_06:

A three. The way we were rejoice beyond race. A new and glorious mor.

SPEAKER_13:

I knew you'd like this. You know, it only gets worse from here, but we'll let her roll here.

SPEAKER_00:

Hey, this Christmas party is getting a little too quiet. I think it's time we liven it up with my favorite Christmas gift, Mr. Microphone. Hey, what's that? Well, you set the dial on your FM radio and testing testing.

SPEAKER_10:

These kids are having a fabulous time with Mr. Microphone, the cordless microphone that actually puts your voice on the radio. There are no attaching wires, so you're free to move around. Broadcast over any FM car radio.

SPEAKER_02:

Hey, good looking. We'll be back to pick you up later.

SPEAKER_10:

Professional entertainers use Mr. Microphone for rehearsing.

SPEAKER_04:

I got one.

SPEAKER_01:

I got one. I got one. I got one. I got one. I got one. I got a Mr. Microphone and I love it.

SPEAKER_10:

It's practical and great fun for the whole family. And it's only$14.88. Mr. Microphone, buy two or three. They really make great Christmas gifts.

SPEAKER_09:

Christmas gift values up to$15, now only$4.96 at Kmart. The Amazing Cookie Machine. Delicious, decorative fun. Make beautiful rugs with the amazing speed tufting kit. Create exciting, fancy foods with the potato chip machine. The bottle and jar cutter recycles throwaway bottles and jars into beautiful glassware. The rhinestone and stud center stylizes jeans, shirts, anything. Homemade ice cream is easy with the automatic ice cream machine. Get these great Christmas gift values for just$4.96 only at Kmart.

SPEAKER_12:

Christmas is a time for closeness. And closeness is what Noroko razors are all about. The shiny new silver rotary razors in cord and rechargeable models with 36 blades, nine closeness settings, and no gotchas. And the ladybugs, the ladies' razors that really work. And the ladybug salon, a ladybug razor plus 11 grooming attachments. Moralko, even our name says Merry Christmas.

SPEAKER_08:

Just like the ones I used to know.

SPEAKER_13:

Thank you so much for listening to Pat Speeps 369. Wishing you a very happy Tuesday. I'm getting in that Christmas spirit.

SPEAKER_08:

May all days, may all days, may your days be merry and brick We all know Christmas be white.

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Pat walsh

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