the uplift
elevating and amplifying women's voices and issues in higher ed.
the uplift
On Empathy & Learning From Our Blunders
Last week in a newsletter I suggested to leaders that they reach out to their teams to talk about what’s happening in Gaza and Israel. Even as I made those recommendations I knew those conversations might be hard – not just for the leaders, but for everyone involved. Because talking about suffering is hard. One person – someone I trust – responded to my suggestion in a way that shows what hard can look like, and I thought it would be instructive to share that here.
This is a short episode, but if you just want the thesis, here it is in three parts.
Leaders of teams have a responsibility to reach out to people and have conversations, even when they’re hard. Those same leaders are likely to make mistakes in the process. When they do, they will benefit if they shut up and listen, genuinely learn, and do better next time.
Part 1: Reaching out to do hard things.
Part 2: Screwing up in the process.
Part 3: Shutting up and getting better.
That’s it.
Well, there's a little more. Thanks for listening!
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Last week, I suggested to leaders on college campuses that they reach out to their teams to talk about what's happening in Gaza and Israel. Even as I was making those recommendations, I knew those conversations might be hard, not just for the leaders, but for everyone involved, because talking about suffering is hard. So I made this post, and one person, who is someone I know and trust, a woman of color, responded to my suggestion in a way that shows just what hard can look like, and so I thought it would be instructive to share that experience here. So this is a short episode, but if you want it even shorter, here's the thesis in three parts. Leaders of teams have a responsibility to reach out to their people and have conversations, even when they're hard. Those same leaders are likely to make mistakes in the process, and when they do, they'll benefit if they shut up and listen, genuinely learn and do better next time. So part one reach out and do hard things. Part two screw up in the process. Part three shut up and get better. That's it. That's the episode. Okay, not really there's more, but that's the nutshell. Okay, here we go.
Carole Chabries:Last week, I published a newsletter on LinkedIn called War Is Raging. Do I Need to Say Anything. The purpose of that edition of the newsletter was, and still is, to encourage people who lead teams to reach out and connect with their people during this crisis in Gaza and Israel, regardless of the position their institutions are or aren't taking. I'm not going to read the newsletter here, but I'll link to it in the show notes so you can easily find it. One of the comments is from a woman I admire, and she wrote simply Hamas Israel War, with two question marks. I had used that phrase Hamas, israel War and she was calling me out. I replied in the comments and asked her to tell me more. I told her I'd struggle to find the right words and asked her what language she was using. She chose not to respond. I messaged her personally. She chose not to respond. Now, I didn't take offense at any of this. I could tell I'd probably heard her or angered her or something, and I wanted to reach out and I was curious to know what she was feeling, and I also had to recognize she has the right not to respond to me. She did not owe me an answer. I did want to learn more, though, so I went back to look at her feed, where I learned a lot. I learned more of what she's going through. I learned how her social media feeds have blown up. I learned what she thinks. I learned what she's experiencing, and so I began to see a little bit more. I don't think for one minute I have the full picture, but I was able to see a little bit more of what was behind her response.
Carole Chabries:Now, that is what I mean by checking in. I am not holding myself up as a paragon by any stretch, but my experience may be something like what you'll experience when you choose to check in with people. So here's my experience in a nutshell. I said something and I blundered. I said something that offended people. I didn't mean to, but I did it. I got called out. I had to swallow my pride, I had to sit in silence and make space for other voices. All of that might be what happens to you, and if it does, it's okay. Let it happen and learn from it. This form of listening also highlighted for me some things I'd left out of the newsletter, so I'm working on an edited version. I am not going to take the original version down, but when I do make changes, I'll note what's changed and give credit where it's due Now.
Carole Chabries:My purpose of this exercise was not to take a stance on what's happening in Gaza and Israel, but instead to give leaders an option for caring for their teams during a horrific crisis. So much of the conversation in higher ed has been what are institutions saying and doing? And I wanted to just offer a different perspective. You don't have to speak up for the institution in order to speak up and care for your people. My purpose was simply to remind leaders of teams to check in with their people, make space for conversations about their feelings. Yet even as I was writing the newsletter, I was wondering what sorts of conversations would open up when leaders broach this with their teams, how would their people respond? Now, obviously, that's going to vary by all the contexts who's on your team? What are their personal histories, what's your institutional context? And even more, way more. It's messy. It's really super messy, and my experience with the newsletter shows just one really pretty sanitized version of what could come up. But my experience, which is to say that I was very specifically called out by a Muslim woman of color who was absolutely within her rights to call me out, pushed me to read more and to read differently, not only to stay current on the news, but to deepen my own understanding of people and their experiences. So I guess there are two things I want to say about my experience, because I think they might help you as you consider how to care for your team.
Carole Chabries:First, I've been thinking a lot about Jane Summers' work and her way of being in community with her Black women colleagues. In her work, she emphasizes not only the importance for her, as a white woman, to stay humble, curious, open and silent, as in ready to listen to her Black women colleagues and not insist on the validity of her privileged ideas, positions, identity or even to defend her actions. Jane emphasizes the importance of recognizing when, as a white woman, you need to sit in silence, however uncomfortable it is, so you can learn. Jane also emphasizes how essential it is to give her Black women colleagues their full autonomy in their responses. The boundaries they put up must be respected. When they say no, the only possible responses okay, you said no. All of that that I learned from Jane is helping me listen to Amina and seek out the words and writings of other people who are fed up with the lack of intersectional empathy for all the suffering in Gaza and Israel Now, yes, but also historically so. If you find yourself in a position where you also need reminders about how to sit in your own uncomfortable silence so that your colleagues, students and neighbors or friends can speak, I recommend revisiting the two podcast episodes with Jane and delving to them in the show notes. You might also want to read or reread the book White Women's Work by Regina Jackson and Sarah Rao, and I'll drop links to those and some other resources in the show notes.
Carole Chabries:My own experience right now is much like what Jane describes going through herself. I find myself having internal responses like wait, wait. I want to explain myself, I want to defend myself, I want to insist I wasn't trying to hurt anybody. Jane talks about all that, about the ways we want to step in and say, but, but not me, not me. Having Jane's voice in my head helps me recognize what I was doing and keep all that internal monologue inside and silent and not subject my friends and colleagues to it. Jane also talks about what a struggle it is for white women to just shut up at times like this. The struggle is real and the struggle is worthwhile, and it's the struggle, that's the work, which seems weird to say, as I'm literally talking. Obviously, I'm not shedding of about it at this exact moment, but I want to be clear. I'm sharing this now on the podcast not for the sake of reinforcing my original position, but simply to remind you, if you're a white woman listening, that this will be hard. You're going to make mistakes, and fear of those mistakes should not prevent you from trying, and learning from those mistakes absolutely must be part of your path to getting better. That's how this works. The second thing I want to say is this I really want you to talk to your teams, even if you don't know what to say and even if your word that you don't have the right words.
Carole Chabries:When Amina first responded to me, I told my family what she said and asked them how they would have described what's happening as in what phrase would they have used to describe what's happening in Gaza and Israel? I asked because I'm really curious. I sometimes also feel it a loss for words. I really don't totally know how to describe what's happening. Shannon and Max both launched into attacks on the major news outlets and how they're bungling headlines, and, of course, there's nothing new there. I asked for examples of what they would say, and Shannon worked his way through a very long sentence that included acknowledging that somehow, in supporting Israel, the US can be understood as saying it supports apartheid. Max said things more succinctly. She said it's not war if one side has the ability to cut off power, water and food to the other side. That's oppression. So there's some language. There's other language in addition to apartheid and oppression Genocide, war crimes, open air prison, that's all really charged, and because it's charged it can be hard to use.
Carole Chabries:My focus in the newsletter, though, was very basic to suggest to leaders of teams on college campuses that you recognize human suffering and pain is happening and you make space to acknowledge and deal with it. So your team feels like it's safe to talk, and in this situation you might not be able to do that without using charged language. Now I'm guessing you're like me that you care deeply about human suffering and you want to make space to bring it out into the open. You might also feel, as I do, that it's really hard to fathom the horrors people are experiencing. But it's not hard to have empathy, and that's where I want you to start. Have empathy for the human suffering that is happening. Open up the space for that suffering to be seen, recognized and responded to. This situation is complicated, intense, highly charged and deeply intersectional, and therefore it gives you an opportunity to practice showing empathy for the full range of emotions and experiences that your colleagues might be having, which includes recognizing suffering in all forms.
Carole Chabries:I want to share something that I've seen posted all over in a number of places and I'm kind of summarizing here, but this is a little bit that gets to the important intersectionality and openheartedness that it's possible to maintain. Here's what I've written and what I want you to take in. It's possible to support Palestinian human rights without being anti-Semitic. It's possible to mourn the loss of Jewish life without resorting to Islamophobia. It's also possible to talk about Middle Eastern regional war and conflict and freedom without being anti-Black. It's possible to talk about all these things without hating people, without racism and xenophobia. So, regardless of the position your institution is taking, your job as a leader is to have empathy.
Carole Chabries:Have empathy for those who are suffering, have empathy for your campus colleagues who are confused, fearful, anxious, distressed or worse. Check on them, connect with them, make space for their responses. The best you can do is to go and prepare. Say the things out loud, even if it's hard. Choose your words wisely, even knowing you're going to screw up and your errors might be called out, and then be okay when that happens. Sit with what you learn. I'm going to close with a quote from Amina and I'll link this in the show notes so you can see the original source Silence is wisdom if you aren't sure whether your words will impact harm, but if you're staying silent from fear of consequences, chances are you're hurting yourself. This is part of a longer ongoing conversation. I will see you next time.