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The Crossing Guard Tapes
In a world where cities are playgrounds and playgrounds are arenas. Where arenas are battlegrounds, and battlegrounds are sectioned into streets and streets are bisected by school crosswalks and school crosswalks are the frontline in an ancient battle where crossing guards are the warriors that stand between the everyday, holding up a stop sign to the end of days... and the end of days is going way over 15 MPH/30 KPH in a school crossing zone.
The Crossing Guard Tapes
Tape 2: Side A [Episode 3]
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Mike is finally getting comfortable with his job, though money problems plague him, forcing him to make some poor choices.
Speaker 1: 0:01
Good day, fellow believers. We are back with a third installment of the crossing guard tapes. As always, we come to you live from an undisclosed location. What you are about to hear is true. This is an unauthorized account taken from the diary of Mike Limbo and his time as an agent for a deep state organization known as the Guards of the Realm. Mike is on the run running for his life. Help us get the word out. Join us as we bring you the third installment of the crossing guard tapes.
Speaker 2: 0:54
October 31st 1987. Today is Halloween and some of the kids are wearing their costumes to school. I love this time of year. Always brings back such great memories the chill in the air, the leaves changing color, falling, drifting in the wind. Today it is cold and damp. I really hope it doesn't rain tonight. November 1st 1987. Went to a costume party with Eddie last night. He's basically my only friend right now. If it wasn't for him I probably would have just stayed home and jerked off. November 7th 1987. Went to see Mr Jakeman this morning before my shift. Mike, how you doing so nervous, I almost ran a red light, you. Alright, you look a little weird. Caught it just in a nick of time, though, which was lucky for me, since there was a cop right behind me just waiting for me to screw up.
Speaker 1: 2:22
You. Alright, you don't look so good.
Speaker 2: 2:25
Still. I guess I must have looked pretty shaken up, though, because Mr Jakeman asked if I was feeling. Alright, mike, you?
Speaker 1: 2:31
sure you're alright. You look a little green in the guilt.
Speaker 2: 2:36
For some reason I made up a stupid lie. Are you sick? Told him. I was a little worried about my mother because she was in the hospital.
Speaker 1: 2:42
You, look sick.
Speaker 2: 2:45
I had no good reason to lie about it. I just didn't want him to think that the job was too much for me to handle, that I couldn't take the pressure. Pressure too much for you, kid, there's plenty of pressure to go around. Believe me, I can't afford to be passed up for another promotion. You're not going to work the whole day, are you? Sneep to keep my head screwed on straight and to try even harder. I know I have what it takes. You don't have what it takes, kid.
Speaker 1: 3:08
Thanks, mr Jakeman, it's going to take a whole lot of tears to make me believe there's a storm, kid.
Speaker 2: 3:16
Anyway. So I tried to change the subject but Jakeman wouldn't let it go To make things worse. I told him that my mother had brain cancer. Brain cancer. He acted all worried and stuff. No, coming back from that, told me that I should take a few days off. You're going to take a few days off, mike Fucking phony? Spend some time with your mom. If he gives a rat's ass about my mom or anybody else, probably fire her ass too if he had the chance. Speak up, kid Is she all right. The thing is that my mom always told me not to lie. She used to say lies beget bigger lies. She wasn't kidding about that, yet I kept digging the hole deeper and deeper. Then, to prove what a miserable fucking moron I am, I told them that she was at St Mary's hospital. So Mr Jakeman goes.
Speaker 1: 4:05
St Mary's. You know my wife's an administrator there. I'll have her looking on your mom. Make sure she gets the best care money she can buy Shit.
Speaker 2: 4:15
Totally fucked myself. Mom was right, not lying. Anyway. He must have checked out my story too, because, sure enough, when promotions were announced my name wasn't on the list. Totally sucks, because I've been working my ass off lately. Now I've got to figure out a way to get back on Mr Jakeman's good side. Maybe I'll just slip one of his tires again. December 21st 1987. Must be feeling pretty confident about my job Now that I've been here for six months. Eddie even noticed it, told me that I look like the king of my domain. I don't know what that means, but I'm going to get to it. There haven't been any real incidents in a while and Eddie and I work well together, kind of like a team or, in Eddie's own words, like a well-oiled machine. Always cracks me up when he says that Some days I'll even hear him across the intersection repeating it over and over again to himself Like a well-oiled machine, like a well-oiled machine. The weather's been pretty decent so far, but sometimes when I get home from work I find that my balls have shrunken to the size of peanuts. I love this time of year, except for the part about my balls that I could do without. January 15th 1988. I had to sell my car last week. I held onto it for as long as I could, but in the end I just couldn't afford to pay for gas and car insurance. The Sky Blue 68, bonneville Such a sweet looking car. The chicks really dug her too. Could always feel their envious eyes on me watching me drive by. But not anymore. Gonna miss that car for sure. I'll be taking the bus to work from now on, which is okay, since there's some pretty hot chicks riding the bus these days. Hey, baby, mind about state here. A lot of people complain about taking the bus, but I don't think it's so bad. Fuck off Whatever.
Speaker 1: 7:02
Hey, do you have like a quarter?
Speaker 2: 7:05
at Cabaro. No, I do not have a. The only annoying part is the two hour wait at every goddamn bus stop, surrounded by homeless people begging for change.
Speaker 3: 7:15
You got it. Got it, nickel?
Speaker 2: 7:16
No I do not have a For white trashed drugies begging for change.
Speaker 1: 7:20
Hey man, you got a cigarette.
Speaker 2: 7:21
No, I don't have a fucking thing to give you. I even made enough money to catch up on my rent, which was, you know, only three months late.
Speaker 1: 7:31
Hey, I've been down on my luck a little bit Can you help me out.
Speaker 2: 7:34
I opened a bank account too. The money that was left over. I don't know how long it'll last, but if I want to get my Bonnie back, I better start saving. Eddie and I have been promising ourselves a night out on the town for a long time, and now I finally got the money for it. Hey, got some money. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, got a quarter. Mr Jakeman turned me down for a raise last week. Now I do not have a quarter. He said that I needed more time to prove myself. Like you're gonna need more time to prove yourself. I can't argue with him there. I'm not exactly perfect. I'll give him a few more months and ask him again. I've written it in my diary on March 15th to remind myself to ask Mr Jakeman for a raise and this time I'm gonna get it.
Speaker 3: 8:31
February 3rd 1988.
Speaker 2: 8:51
Oh, my god, I saw my Bonneville drive by yesterday. It's good to see my old girl again. God, I miss her. She's still looking sweet, still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Emotion daddy, I think he must have seen her too. After he helped a couple third graders cross Plummer Avenue he looked back at me and gave me the thumbs up that made me feel proud. I was feeling pretty good about myself right then when I lost my focus, and that can be lethal. That's why you always got to keep your head screwed on tight. I almost got nailed by a station wagon that was speeding through a yellow light. I jumped out of the way at the last second. I still managed to fall in my ass and twist my fucking ankle Still on the ground holding my ankle. When I looked up just in time to catch a full-on spread up some lady's dress, my jaw must have hit the fucking ground because she grabbed her kid and sped across the street before me, or it could do the assist. That's pretty much all I could think about for the rest of the day. Hell, I forgot about my ankle completely for the rest of the shift. When I got home, I needed a little me time. I needed a little me time. I was a man on a mission like a well-oiled machine. A well-oiled machine, k-watch, ellie and Chris go whatever the fuck. Afterwards, things took a little turn for the worse, though, when my dog grabbed the napkin I had just jerked off to, snatched it out of my hand and ate it before I could flush it down. The toilet Must add some chicken juice on it or something, but a free protein shot Couldn't help laughing my ass off. What a stupid fucking dog. More on that later. Eddie thought it was pretty funny too, but then he warned me not to waste my energy, that I should be saving it up for our big night out. Eddie was right. Of course, I still wasn't sure what he was planning for our big night, but he assured me that it would be a night to remember. I can't wait.
Speaker 3: 10:50
Fucking dog.
Speaker 2: 10:55
February 18, 1988. So we're finally going out tonight. This is the big night Eddie's been talking up so much. Still don't know where we're going, but nonetheless I withdrew the rest of my money from my bank account this afternoon after work. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, I promise. Mr Jakeman told me that I might be up for a full-time promotion soon. That means I gotta stay on top of this. Don't screw it up, Mike. Don't screw it up.
Speaker 3: 11:32
The world weighs.
Speaker 2: 11:50
All right, let's go. March 19, 1988. Stop on the curb. So our big night out was over a month ago and I still can't talk about it. Maybe I'll be able to deal with it soon, but just not right now. Things have been really intense at work between Eddie and me. Eddie won't even talk about it, can't even look me in the eye when he speaks to me. April 2, 1988. Eddie hasn't been at work all week. It's okay, since we don't really talk to each other anymore. Replacement is a real fucking head case, though. It's a senile old man who stands on the corner big dopey grin on his face, waving, bowing and saluting every damn car that goes by. First it was kind of amusing, but I kept waiting for him to finish and start helping the kids cross the street, since, oh, that's his job. What did he do? He just kept bowing and waving and greeting every single car. He was getting really annoying. People in the cars loved it, though, waving back and honking their horns, which Mr Jake man would drive by while this whack job is doing his fucking freak show. A nut like that should be kept in a nut house. Oh yeah, finally saved up enough money to buy back my Bonneville. I can call the guy I sold it to and buy it back from him. Hopefully he'll agree to do it. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to convince him, though, once I tell him how much she means to me. Can't wait till I'm reunited with my Bonnie. We're like old friends, best friends, friends with benefits, in fact. I've never had a better friend than my Bonneville. Been through too many things together, man Good times, bad times. Either way, I'll be dreaming some sweet dreams about her tonight.
Speaker 1: 14:18
You have just heard the third installment of the crossing guard tapes. We are shutting down our transmitter now to prevent the deep state from tracing our signal. And, dear listeners, due to the FBI's unrelenting effort to recover the tapes, there is a risk they could be monitoring our site. So be sure to keep a low profile when sharing, subscribing and liking. Until next time. Co-conspirators, stay alive and spread the word. The crossing guard tapes was written and produced by Jim Waters, featuring the voice talents of Tommy Nicolai and Pat Waters, with original music from Pendulum Incorporated. Technical support and marketing courtesy of Jaz Garewal.