Friendship Dynamics

Welcome to another empowering episode of "Coach & Grow with V"! I'm your host, V, and I'm thrilled to discuss a topic that, to be honest, I did not think I would explore in this podcast.

It's funny how sometimes you do something different when you think you're going to do something. When I was considering the next episode, I wanted to discuss decision-making, but as you'll see, today’s episode is not about that at all. So, what are we going to talk about? We'll explore a topic that can sometimes bring you joy, happiness, love, sadness, frustration, and even anxiety. I'm talking about Friendship.

Friends come and go, and sometimes you wonder whether it's normal or if you're a good friend when some of your closest people are no longer close to you. You'll beat yourself up in some situations by asking questions like, ‘Did I do something wrong?’. Sometimes a reality check is needed, and sometimes it's just life.

Friends often come and go, whether best friends, average friends, or even worst friends. That's OK as long as you know whether a given friendship is for a reason, a season, or life, and adjust your expectations and effort accordingly. Otherwise, you could end up very disappointed or disappointed in others.

Let’s dive in.

Transcript

Intro

Welcome to another empowering episode of "Coach & Grow with V"! I'm your host, V, and I'm thrilled to discuss a topic that, to be honest, I did not think I would explore in this podcast.

It's funny how sometimes, when you think you're going to do something, you do something different. When I was considering the next episode, I wanted to discuss decision-making, but as you'll see, today’s episode is not about that at all. So, what are we going to talk about? We'll explore a topic that can sometimes bring you joy, happiness, and love, as well as sadness, frustration, and even anxiety. I'm talking about Friendship.

Friends come and go, and sometimes you wonder whether it's normal or if you're a good friend when some of your closest people are no longer close to you. In some situations, you'll beat yourself up by asking questions like, ‘Did I do something wrong?’. Sometimes a reality check is needed, and sometimes it's just life.

Friends often come and go, whether best friends, average friends, or even worst friends. That's OK as long as you know whether a given friendship is for a reason, a season, or life, and adjust your expectations and effort accordingly. Otherwise, you could end up very disappointed or disappointed in others.

Let’s dive in.

Core

My family and I were on vacation in Mexico a few weeks ago, and we met a couple with their kids. We spent quite some time together and had serious discussions about hot topics, like the current wars, the upcoming US election, and how our kids will react to this chaos. One discussion made me think a lot.

We talked about friendship. Our new friend shared a concept that I was not familiar with but that gave me a lot to think about. As a gifted person, my brain kept thinking about it, the wheel was spinning. I needed to learn more about it and thought I would dive into it for my next podcast episode.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of having given everything you had in your soul for someone that you are no longer seeing? Someone you have spent hours over the phone, with whom you went on vacation, or even someone you have shared difficult situations with. You were there for that person when he or she needed you; he or she was there for you. Does that ring a bell?

When I think about that for myself, I have so many examples, and for a long time, I thought it was me who did not keep the flame or reduce the number of phone calls, texts, or dinners to the point where I gave up and moved on.

Until that discussion on the beach, our friend introduced us to the concept of a friend for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Are you familiar with it? I found it cool to dig in. I was finally connected to some puzzle pieces when I was thinking about some of what I called ‘old friends’ and realized that I might not be a bad friend at all!

So, where did that concept come from?

You may have seen Brian A. Chalker's poem, which begins, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” This means that when you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person and won’t feel guilty anymore.

That is also a reminder that you won't end up being BFFs (best friends forever) with most of the people whom you befriend at some point during your life. Instead, with many, you may end up being - bear with me here as I will reveal two other crazy acronyms - so you may end up being BFFTMs (best friends for the moment) or BFUTPNLNYs (best friends until that person no longer needs you).

Let’s reflect here for a second. Don’t you think that makes a lot of sense?

The other day during an individual coaching session, my coachee was a little overwhelmed with news she received the day before our session. One of her girlfriends, whom she hasn’t seen or talked to for fifteen years, yes fifteen years, reached out to her asking for money and leveraging my coachee sensitive cord like if you are not helping me, bad things will happen to me, and so on. Wow! How would you have reacted to that?

In my opinion, the theory of a friend for a reason, a season, or a lifetime makes total sense here. If you haven’t heard from someone for fifteen years, you should not bother and try to stay away from that person. It is not good for you.

When someone is in your life for a REASON…it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, provide guidance and support, or aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like an Avenger, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Let’s say you want to apply for a VP position in a company where one of your acquaintances works, you will reach out and ask for support. It is not manipulation, you are doing that for a specific reason.

There's a reason why you may have lots of friends for a reason. You may have a lot to offer, such as advice, introductions to other people, a social life, or companionship. Or you may be seeking such things from other people. Such friendships can seem good for a while, as they help fill the needs of one or both of you. But they aren't built to last in the long run. Once the needs are seemingly no longer needed, the relationship begins to fall apart like a house of cards. How about the people who never seem to call you until they need something from you? Such friendships can be fine or fruitful as long as you realize that you may be the leader and the other may be the follower. Otherwise, you may feel wrong when you know that person is not interested in who you are versus what you can do.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to end the relationship. Sometimes, they walk away, and sometimes, they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our needs have been met, our desires fulfilled, and their work is done. Now, it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because it is your turn to share, grow, or learn. They bring you peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.

I used to naively think that all close friends from my school days would be friends for life. When a friend is one for a season, that person can be friends with you mainly out of convenience. Maybe you are at the same career stage (you are both in finance training), workplace (you both think that your boss is a crazy person), or neighborhood (e.g., both of you play soccer).

They can also be momentary friends because you haven't realized your true personality or life goals. Friends for a season can provide companionship and help you better understand what you like and dislike and who you are and aren't. But ultimately, over time, you may realize that the two of you fit each other about as well as a snowball does in a desert. At some point, one or both of you may stop investing enough time and effort to maintain the friendship.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifelong lessons; things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

The French writer and poet Philippe Soupault said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

In a recently facilitated workshop, someone in the group said, 'I want to grow' and 'I want love and connection.' She explained that she wanted to grow and develop herself and her business, but she feared losing her old friends. She wanted to remain loved and connected with them. Part of her desired progress, but another part held her back. She found herself rather torn, so she stayed in the same place.

If she decides to grow, some friends will grow with her and support her, while others won’t. And that’s part of life.

So, when friendships drift apart or end, we can look at them differently. Rather than feeling sorry, regretting, or trying to hold on too much, we can reflect on what we brought to each other. We can acknowledge the wonderful times, the reasons we were good together for a period, and the reasons it’s now okay to move on.

Friends for life are the keepers, the ones who will stay with you through happiness and pain, the ones you can call at 2 a.m. if something is happening.

I've tried to summarize my findings in 10 key things a true friend for life will do for you.

1. That person is actually genuinely interested in you as a person rather than just what you can do or who you know.
2. Is real and honest towards you.
3. Shows genuine concern when you face challenges or are otherwise struggling.
4. Listens to what you have to say without judging you.
5. Does not talk negatively about you behind your back.
6. Makes legitimate attempts to maintain contact with you.
7. Keeps things that should be confidential truly confidential.
8. Tells you when you are wrong, as long as it is done in private.
9. Genuinely wants you to do well and succeed.
10. Is there for you when you need that person.

If you find someone who fulfills my detailed criteria, consider yourself very lucky. Friends for a lifetime are rare gems indeed and deserve to be treated that way. As you know, seasons and reasons change, but through it all, true BFFs will be there for each other.

Wrap up

Life will tell us if our new friends from Mexico were for a season, a reason, or even a lifetime. Reflecting on our deep discussions, I dug into the idea of friendship. I realized the significance of accepting the evolving nature of relationships and cherishing those that withstand the test of time. 

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Until next time, keep growing, keep shining, and keep being authentically you. Have a wonderful day!