The Self-Confidence Factor

Have you ever wondered why you cannot speak in public, pursue a new job position within your company, or ask for a raise? It is all related to self-confidence. 

The good news is that self-confidence is a skill. And because it is a skill, it can be trained. I will share five tips to improve your self-confidence. 

This is Virginie, your host for today. Welcome to another empowering episode of Coach & Grow with V podcast. 

Let’s dive in. 

Transcript

Have you ever wondered why you cannot speak in public, pursue a new job position within your company, or ask for a raise? It is all related to self-confidence. 

The good news is that self-confidence is a skill. And because it is a skill, it can be trained. I will share five tips to improve your self-confidence. 

This is Virginie, your host for today. Welcome to another empowering episode of Coach & Grow with V podcast. 

Let’s dive in. 

Self-confidence is a skill. The ability or belief in yourself allows you to accomplish any task, no matter the odds, obstacles, or adversity. Unlike natural talents or physical attributes, self-confidence can be developed and strengthened over time. It's rooted in self-awareness, understanding your strengths and weaknesses, and building on your successes.

Imagine you're an athlete training for a marathon. Initially, running 42 km or 26 miles might seem daunting, but your endurance and belief in your ability to complete the marathon grow with each training run. This progressive buildup is similar to how self-confidence works. Each small victory, whether a successful presentation at work, mastering a new skill, or overcoming a personal challenge, contributes to a stronger sense of self-belief.

Self-confidence also involves resilience. When faced with setbacks or failures, your confidence helps you get back up, learn from the experience, and keep moving forward. Consider Thomas Edison, who famously failed thousands of times before inventing the lightbulb. His unwavering confidence in his ability to succeed eventually led to one of the most significant inventions in history.

Furthermore, self-confidence impacts how you interact with the world. It influences your body language, tone of voice, and how you present yourself. Confident individuals tend to be more assertive, able to express their opinions, and stand up for themselves and others. This assertiveness can lead to better personal and professional relationships, as others are more likely to respect and value your input.

Building self-confidence often involves stepping out of your comfort zone. Whether speaking up in a meeting, trying a new hobby, or taking on a challenging project, each step into the unknown can bolster your confidence. It's about pushing through self-doubt and proving that you are capable.

Let’s deep dive into 5 tips that will help you gain or regain self-confidence. 

1. Repetition, repetition, repetition

How many of us bail after the first failure?

How many of us bail after the first bit of adversity?

JK Rowling - how many publishers did she take her book to? I believe the number was 13 or 14. Thirteen times, somebody said no. She did not accept failure, and she was right. 

It is so easy to give up when you try something new. Starting something new is always filled with excitement and anticipation. You might be learning a new language, picking up a musical instrument, or even starting a new career. In the beginning, everything seems possible. You imagine yourself fluent in Spanish, playing the guitar like a rock star, or thriving in your new job. But then, reality hits.

The initial enthusiasm can quickly give way to frustration. The Spanish verbs aren’t sticking, your fingers hurt from pressing the guitar strings, or your new job has a steep learning curve and unexpected challenges. This is the critical moment when we feel the urge to give up. The road ahead looks daunting, and the progress feels so slow.

Repetition and persistence are key here. A lot of us repeat or try, but only a few persists. You won’t become the next Michael Jackson if you never practice singing and dancing. You won’t become the next JK Rowling if you give up to the first publisher who said no. 

Get out there and do what you must, and do not accept no for an answer. Control your destiny by pushing yourself daily to become a better version of yourself.

1. Self-talk

Remember the last time you went shopping? As women, we tend to tell ourselves, “I am so fat in these pants. I need to go way more to the gym to fit in that pants.” 

As a student, the inner voice says, “Please don’t pick me, I haven’t studied enough to give the answer to the group,” and you look down, when in fact you have studied all weekend. 

I remember the last time I went to a comedy show, and we got tickets to the second row. I was telling myself, “Please, artist, don’t pick me to go on stage with you, please don’t ask, please.” You know, some one-man shows tend to be like that. 

Anyway, that little voice, does that ring a bell?

We all have that negative self-talk that goes in our heads. But why? We know for a fact that thoughts influence actions. So why do we always need to have negative thoughts about ourselves? 

Many people will tell us that we are not good enough or smart enough (or at least we will feel that) and that we should encourage ourselves first. If we are not our number one fan, who else will be? 

We need to get our own self-affirmations. Mohamed Ali said, “I am the greatest”. 

If you lack inspiration, here are some common self-affirmations that you can apply right now: 

I am strong.

I am fearless.

I am enough. I have enough.

I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.

I can do hard things.

I allow myself to be more fully me.

I believe in myself.

I am grateful for another day of life.

I am worthy of what I desire.

I choose myself.

The list goes on and on. Pick up one. “I am strong, I am fearless, I can do it all” is my affirmation. 

If you don’t say it, if you don’t believe it, no one else will. 

1. Get away from people who will tear you down

There’s enough of that. Some people have nothing to do but criticize, gossip, and spread false rumors. Get away from that. This is pure toxicity. 

The more you surround yourself with those people, the more you will think they are right. I am not good enough to change jobs. I am too fat, too skinny. I am not smart enough. 

There was a time when I was really down because of the professional environment in which I was evolving. I started to doubt that I was capable of doing great things, that I was capable of changing careers and building my passion job. But I remember all I have done to become the person I am today. I am strong, I am fearless, and I can do it all. 

The other day I was discussing with a CEO of a multi million company and she was telling me about something she has done to get back on track after few months of people dragging her down. During great times, when she was at her prime, everything was great, she wrote a letter to herself about her accomplishments. She has never shared it, and it is just for her. 

And when her self-confidence is low, she reads that letter to herself for a period of two weeks to weather her through that storm. I found it pretty cool. 

1. Coaching vs. hurting

Sports is the best example of do’s and don’ts regarding self-confidence. My family is all about team sport. My partner used to play in the French Handball team when he was younger, and we raised soccer athletes. Sport has a big impact on our life. 

We have seen all sorts of coaches when it comes to soccer. Inspiring coaches, yelling coaches, and too friendly coaches. Let me tell you the impact each of them had on our kids. I will take two examples of coaches: the one that yells and the one that positively reinforces the team. 

So coach #1 - the yelling one - keeps talking about how bad the kid did, how unacceptable it was to miss the pass, and how bad the team was during the game. The results: demotivation and self confidence down down down. Improvements during the next game flat to lower. 

Coach #2 - the positive reinforcement one - highlights what has been done great by the group as a team, as a whole, not as an individual. The result: kids are hyped and ready for the next game. Improvements were skyrocketed. 

That’s what I mean by coaching vs. hurting. You can coach a team and tell them the real stuff without hurting their self-confidence, which will take months or even years to recover. 

1. Interpret feedback the way you choose to

It took me years to do that, and I am still working hard not to take feedback personally. 

Have you ever received feedback that felt more like criticism than constructive advice? Maybe a colleague pointed out a mistake in your project, or a manager suggested you need to work on your communication skills. It's easy to feel defensive in these moments. But what if I told you that you can interpret this feedback in a way that benefits you the most?

Let's break it down. Feedback is inherently subjective. It comes from another person's perspective, shaped by their experiences, biases, and emotions. For instance, if a manager tells you your presentation lacked detail, it might be because they prefer a more data-driven approach. Recognizing this subjectivity allows you to filter the feedback, focusing on what’s relevant to your development.

Take, for example, Sarah, a marketing executive. She received feedback from her team that her leadership style was too hands-off. Initially, Sarah felt criticized and undervalued. However, by interpreting the feedback through her self-awareness lens, she realized that her team needed more guidance on certain projects. Sarah saw this feedback as an opportunity to refine her leadership approach, providing more support where necessary without compromising her team's independence.

Context is another crucial factor. Imagine you’re a software developer, and a peer reviews your code, suggesting improvements. If this feedback comes from someone consistently delivering high-quality work, you might interpret it as valuable advice for enhancing your skills. Conversely, if it comes from a colleague who often struggles with deadlines, you might weigh it differently, focusing on the constructive elements while considering their overall context.

Lastly, let's talk about selective acceptance. Not all feedback will be relevant or useful. 

I interpret feedback the way you choose to, which is about taking control of your growth journey. 

No one will believe in you unless you do. 

Wrap up

It is time to wrap up today’s episode. We've discussed building self-confidence and persisting through new challenges. Let’s tie it all together.

Self-confidence is a skill rooted in self-awareness and built through small victories. It grows as you overcome obstacles, much like an athlete training for a marathon. Each step, no matter how small, contributes to your belief in your abilities.

Resilience is key. When faced with setbacks, your confidence helps you recover and learn from the experience. Think of Thomas Edison, who failed countless times before inventing the lightbulb. His belief in his eventual success kept him going.

Remember the five key points we discussed:

1. Repetition and Persistence: Keep trying, even after failures. Persistence is crucial.
2. Positive Self-talk: Replace negative thoughts with affirmations. Be your own biggest fan.
3. Supportive Environment: Surround yourself with people who uplift you, avoiding those who tear you down.
4. Constructive Feedback: Use feedback as a tool for growth, focusing on what’s relevant and helpful.
5. Interpreting Feedback Positively: Understand feedback is subjective and filter it to benefit your development.

Self-confidence is a journey. It’s about continually pushing your boundaries and learning from each experience. Remember, no one will believe in you unless you do. Take that first step, embrace the process, and watch your confidence grow.

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Have a wonderful day!