Why Your Life Changes When You Stop Needing Validation

Transcript

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this week we are going to be covering why your life changes when you stop needing validation, there's a lot we're gonna unpack around here, and I know a lot of you, especially myself can definitely relate to that craving to have validation on your journey, and I know, um, it's gonna be super valuable for so many people. So, why your life changes when you stop needing validation, the hidden freedom most people never experience, the freedom to liberate yourself from the opinions of other people, of what other people think, and, uh, there's so much to, to go into,, here today because one of the most dangerous addictions in the modern world isn't drugs, it isn't alcohol, it isn't money. It's simply validation, the need to be approved of, the need to be liked, understood, the need for permission to become who you already know you're supposed to be. And the crazy part is most people don't even realize that validation is what's controlling their entire life, their careers, their relationships, their creativity, confidence, dreams, and everything in between. So today, we're gonna be talking about what happens when you finally stop living for the applause and start living from alignment. Let's jump into it. So, uh, today's conversation is definitely going t- going to hit deep for a lot of you guys, so make sure you take notes. I always say take notes as if you're going to have to teach this information to someone at some point in time. And, uh, the important thing to understand about validation specifically is that most people aren't necessarily living authentically. They're living strategically for approval, and it's biological, so we're gonna go into a little bit of the science behind it. And, uh, in today's world with social media algorithms, comparison culture, and constant exposure to everybody else's opinions, it becomes harder for every, um, harder than ever before people to hear their own inner voice. So we're gonna help you today reclaim that inner voice, and before we do that, we're gonna jump into some life hacks and fun facts before we jump into the meat and potatoes of today's Breakfast Club session. So, um, once again, uh, welcome, welcome to those of you who are tuning in for the very first time. Every single week on the Breakfast Club is something different. And it's predominantly centered around self-development, things that could essentially make your life better. And let's keep the show on the road. All right, here we go. Uh, the very first life hack that we'll be sharing is silence notifications for part of your day. Your nervous system was never designed to be constantly interrupted by external opinions and stimulation. So, uh, this is a big thing. I know for me, um, one of the things that, uh, has helped me tremendously has been shutting off the notifications for, uh, certain apps on my phone, so especially social media. Um, whenever I do receive any messages in my inbox, um, I don't have any notifications that come in, even WhatsApp messages. So I get thousands of messages every single month on WhatsApp that come in, and my life would just be inundated with noise, um, if I allowed it to, uh, just consume me with notifications. So one of the things that has helped me has been, uh, to just shut off notifications. Even when it comes to, uh, things like email, have certain periods of the day where you tend to your inboxes, you tend to, uh, whether it's email, social media, um, you know, or whatever, whatever is sending you those messages, um, it definitely helps to just, um, have strategic s- time periods during the day where you actually, uh, you know, check in on those things. So, uh, it is a major, major benefit, uh, for your, for your mental health, for so much, especially for those of you who live high-paced lives, uh, like myself. So next, we have life hack number two. Before making a major decision, ask, "Would I still do this if nobody clapped for me?" It's a good one. Would I still do, do this if nobody clapped for me? That question reveals whether something is purpose or performance. Really good. And the last life hack is spend more time creating than consuming. Consumption amplifies comparison. Creation strengthens identity. Really, really good All right. We have some fun facts before we jump into, uh, the bulk of what we're gonna be talking about here today. The very first fun fact is studies have shown that social rejection activates many of the same brain regions as physical pain. So humans are biologically wired to seek belonging. Crazy to think that, right? Um, and, uh, I know it's tough, uh, especially on my entrepreneurial journey, one of the things that I always think about has, has been like, if there was any advice-- if, if there's any advice that I can give to my 20-year-old self, it definitely would have been getting over the opinions of other people a lot faster. And I, I'm telling you, for those of you who kind of, uh, find yourself just worried about what other people are gonna think in, in the event that you pursue your dreams or, uh, maybe what you're doing seems extreme to a lot of other people, but you're following your heart, and it, it can be very, very difficult just having a, a bunch of negative feedback or, uh, negativity in general, especially when it comes from the people that you love the most, the people that you expect to believe in you the most. Um, this is a big, big part of the journey, and I, I can tell you right now, like the sooner you get over the validation of other people, the opinions of other people, what other people are thinking about you, the, the sooner you can truly liberate yourself to do whatever it is that you wanna do. Now, next fun fact is many of the greatest innovators, artists, spiritual leaders, and entrepreneurs in history were misunderstood before they were celebrated. So approval comes before-- or, uh, approval comes after conviction, not before it. So good, and it truly does. So let's jump into the validation trap. The validation trap. Now, most people think validation is harmless, but validation becomes dangerous when identity depends on it. Because once your emotional state depends on external approval, you lose your freedom. You stop asking, or asking, "What do I truly want?" And start asking, "What will people think?" Now think about that for a second. When was the last time you genuinely thought or you had the thought of, "What, what are other people going to think about this? What, what are my parents gonna think about this? What is my spouse gonna think about this? What are my friends gonna think about this?" And I know, uh, again, I, I've had that, that, that, that part of me that was like this i- in the very, very early stages, and it took me a lot of years to just finally get over what other people were gonna think. And, you know, we live in a age, especially with social media, you have these vanity metrics where people are just constantly seeking likes, comments, engagement, and all of that. And even on the Breakfast Club, you know, I had to kinda get over, uh, the fact that, hey, you know, it's not about the likes, comments, shares, and all that stuff. Really, it's, it's more about impacting that one person, impacting that one person who just hopped on randomly, or maybe it's, it's you, right? You just decided to come on. Maybe the, the, the title of today's episode is what drew you to the content, and it impacted you. And, and if that's all that I achieve during this journey, um, or just during even one episode, then it's a job fulfilled, right? So you have to get over what other people think if you're gonna liberate yourself again, uh, because it's just... It's, it's like a trap. It's, it's probably going to be one of the biggest forms of resistance on your journey, is to just cling to what other people are thinking every single time. I'm telling you, when you finally get to the point where you remove the mask, right, the, the persona, this facade that you put on to, to fit in, this, this survival mechanism that, that forces you to be someone that you're not. And the word persona, its, its root origin means mask, right? It's the mask you put on to fit into society. And the moment you take off that mask, I mean, you'll, you'll find yourself having so much more energy, feeling just a lot more a- a- authentic, feeling like you're a lot more alive because the, the reality is when people have to, let's just say, force themselves to be someone that they're truly not, it's exhausting as hell. I'm not sure if you've ever had to, you know, play chess to the point where, you know, maybe, um, you're, you're looking to get a promotion at, at your job, or you're working your way up the corporate ladder and you sort of have to, you know, be this people pleaser in a sense just to be able to, you know, elevate yourself, and it truly is exhausting being around that. I don't know about y'all, but I have a, a huge sensitivity to just fakeness, right? People who are not authentic. A major, major sensitivity to that. And, uh, I could tell you right now Uh, one of the best things that you can do for the world is just be unapologetically yourself. Now, this isn't to say that you shouldn't work on yourself or be the ve- very best version of yourself, but do not, in the old cliche saying, try to be a copy of someone else. Like, there's already enough copies. You wanna be an original. You wanna be just, um, again, unapologetically who you are at your core, and you'll find that your greatest work will come alive being genuinely yourself. Next, um, when you get to the point where you start asking what will people think, that's when people abandon dreams, creativity, truth, authenticity, leadership, and purpose, not because they lack potential, but because they fear judgment. The next part of this is going to be on, um, how social media changed everything for people. So when you think about it, uh, social media, I mean, it's just-- in, in our lifetime it just now has become a thing. For 99% of humanity, social media was never a thing. So, uh, what it has done, it's, is it's amplified humanity's validation addiction But think about how, how much more people seek validation today than, let's just say, 50 years ago when there was no social media. Now people don't just seek approval from family or peers, right? They're seeking approval from strangers, followers, audiences, algorithms, comments, likes, views, and public perception. And, uh, this is a, I mean, an ongoing thing. I remember, and I oftentimes share the, the story of even The Breakfast Club. I remember I had it in a private group on Facebook, and I had it in this private group for years. And the reason I had it private and not public was simply because I had so much fear around being trolled. Just people hopping on and... You know, it's so crazy because since I've gone public with it and even put it on podcast platforms, um, I actually, like, I, I don't really receive any, any trolling, uh, which is pretty cool. Um, I'm sure at some point in time, you know, it will happen, uh, more and more, but it's all good. That's a part of the journey. It's a, it's a big part of the process. It's like they say, "If you can't stand the heat, get the hell up out the kitchen." You have no business being in the kitchen if you can't stand the heat. So it, it comes with the territory. But, um, you know, once you get to the point where, um, you can genuinely drown out the noise, you can silence the noise of what other people are thinking, um, it, it will, uh, just allow you to, to be able to operate in a flow state. Now, uh, people begin performing version of- versions of themselves instead of being themselves. That's the crazy part. And if you perform l- if you perform long enough, you can forget who you really are. Think about that for a second. You know, people can get to a point where, you know, they're always putting on this performance, and you get to a point in your life where you tend to lose yourself because you're constantly being, you know, this person for, for who- wh- whatever community you're a part of or, um, you, you become this, this person that's not you at your core. And why do people need validation in the first place? A lot of validation, uh, simply is a survival mechanism. As humans, belonging once meant survival. Think about it. Many years ago, I mean, not even that long ago, uh, people needed to rely on their tribe in order to survive, especially, um, you know, you think in the ancient times, if you're out in the wild, right? You needed people. Like, you, you could be raided by another tribe. You can have animals come and, you know, just pillage through, or not pillage, but just ravage your, your community. There's so many different ways you could have just died in, in ancient times. Uh, so belonging was an essential component for, for survival, right? Rejection from the tribe historically could mean death. So biologically, humans are wired to avoid judgment and rejection, but this is the big problem. The same mechanism that once protected us now often prevents transformation. That very thing that kept you alive is the very thing that holds you back today because growth requires individuality, purpose requires risk, and leadership requires misunderstanding. So it's almost like a prerequisite. For you to get to the other side, you, you kinda have to be misunderstood in a sense, right? When you think about people who've done things that were very original, when you think about people who've, who've... I mean, think about even a, a LeBron James. LeBron James just got knocked out of the playoffs, uh, not too long ago, and, you know, he received so much criticism, and the crazy thing about it is, I mean, he's by far the most decorated, uh, NBA player, uh, based off of statistics. He had so much longevity in his career, and the vast majority of his career he spent getting to the playoffs. Like, he made it to the playoffs whether or not he won the championship. How many players have genuinely won a championship on three different teams or... And I know, you know, we have the Jordan lovers here, and I'm a Jordan lover as well, but I gotta give credit where credit is due. The man has done some absolutely amazing things, and even making it to the playoffs, he still gets a lot of hate. He still gets a lot of, of scrutiny, and this is a man in his 40s who's still outproducing over 90% of the league, guys who are essentially half his age, and it, it's, it's amazing, but you will be ridiculed. So you might as well get over what other people are thinking about you because people are gonna hate regardless. Now- Um, the biggest thing is, right, when you're, when you stop needing validation because your energy, it, it changes, right? So you stop over-explaining, you stop people-pleasing, shrinking yourself, and constantly second-guessing your intuition. You become calmer, more focused, more powerful, more creative. You stop wasting energy trying to control perception and start investing energy into becoming. That's, that's what happens when you finally just start stepping into who you are and living authentically who you are. Now, here's the reality of growth And what most people don't wanna hear. The more authentic you become, the more some people may misunderstand you. Not everybody will evolve with you. Not everybody will understand your vision. Not everybody will approve of your transformation, but that's okay, right? Because peace is more valuable than approval, and alignment is more valuable than popularity. So good. Now, here are some signs that you- you're healing your need for validation. So how do you actually know whether or not you're healing your need for validation? Um, here are some signs. You stop explaining yourself constantly, right? You don't feel the need to have to explain your every move or your every choice. Another thing is you become less reactive to criticism. You stop posting only for attention. That's a big one. Y- you just like... You-- For me these days, um, as much as I, I, I know that social media is super valuable, um, oftentimes, like I don't, I don't really wanna post on social media. I'm not sure how many of you can relate to that, but it, it is a little bit difficult, right? Because, um, in order to, you know, compete in the marketplace for, for my line of work, it does help to post on social media. But sometimes there are seasons of your life where you really just don't feel like doing that, right? Especially if it's just for attention. Um, so you, you become more intentional about posting. And for me, social media has become a form of journalism or, or journaling. Um, and, uh, journaling for me in the sense of, you know, I understand that at some point in time, my children, my grandchildren, my great-grandchildren may just stumble across my social media or maybe go on my inspiration-- uh, go on my social media for inspiration, and it is a form of just, again, journaling my, my everyday life and what I'm going through in different seasons of my life, and it also is my way for, uh, you know, contributing back to the world, putting out valuable content to help other people, okay? But you have to be mindful of that. Are you posting for attention or are you posting with intention? That's the biggest takeaway. Now, another thing is you make decisions based on alignment instead of applause. You become more comfortable being alone. You trust your intuition more deeply, and you stop needing everyone to agree with your path. It's a big one. Along the journey- You know, I've, I've constantly had to go against what the world, uh, thought was, was appropriate, what the world thought was the best path for me. I remember, um, when I, when I played football, um, it was a big part of my identity, a big part of my life, and it was very, very challenging just hanging up my cleats and getting to the point where I just accepted that this was no longer going to be a part of my future. It was no longer going to be a career path for me. And it would be tough just hearing, uh, family members like, "Man, you, you know, you stopped playing football? Like, what happened?" And and it would, it would really, really suck just hearing that because, you know, again, um, everybody knew you for that and, uh, your, your whole identity was wrapped around that. And it, it definitely doesn't help when people are asking like, "Hey, what, you know, what happened with that?" But you truly have to know when certain doors, you know, just have to be closed in your life, and it's time to open up new doors. You have to know when to close that chapter. You have to know when something is no longer for you, and when, when certain things may very well be worth embarking on, and be okay with that, right? Be okay with that because sometimes those very things that you thought were going to be a part of your future really were just doorways to something else that was much greater. I always love the saying, and you guys hear me mention it all the time, that get- God answers prayers in three ways, and I, and I truly believe this. God answers prayers with either a yes, a not now, or I've got something even better. Ha- have any of you ever, like, gone through that in your life where you thought you were going to be pursuing something, and then next thing you know it's no longer a part of your life? And it's kinda weird at first, but then when you look back at it or look back on it, you start to realize that that simply led you to, you know, what you're doing today. It led you to a higher purpose. Sometimes certain relationships lead you to somebody s- uh, better because you also grow in that relationship and you learn a lot of lessons along the way that allow you to become a, a greater partner, right? So big, big part of it. Now, here are some practical ways to break free from validation. Number one: spend time alone. Spend time alone. This is a big one. Solitude reconnects you to your real voice, right? When you no longer have all this outside noise just coming in. Sometimes you just have to trust, again, that, that inner voice. Number two is limit comparison. Comparison distorts identity. We live in a world of relative deprivation where people literally become depressed because they're looking at everybody else's highlight reels on social media, or they're looking on TV and just wondering, "Why is everybody else winning and I'm living, you know, this life that I'm unhappy with or I'm unfulfilled with?" But you really don't know what goes on behind the scenes. You also don't know the dues someone had to pay to get to where they are, right? Like, when people, um, also when they look at, you know, just all the blessings that have come about in my life, like, they, they have no idea how many weeks and days and years and months of just tireless effort, of just constantly sacrificing, constantly just doing the work when you don't feel like doing it. It's been this over and over and over again, and for a lot of people, if they truly saw the work required to get here, they probably wouldn't wanna sign up for it. So be careful what you wish for. Number three is build self-trust. Keep promises to yourself. Confidence grows through evidence, so you have to make those promises. Get those small wins. So if you say, if you say you're gonna do something throughout the day, build that momentum, get those small wins, right? Keep those promises to yourself. Number four is accept that judgment is inevitable. Judgment is inevitable. It is a part of the process. People have been judged since the beginning of time and there's nothing you can do about it, right? But that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them, the people who are pointing the fingers, right? So no matter what you do, people will judge you, misunderstand you, criticize you, or even project onto you, so you might as well live authentically. Next, we have focus on contribution. Purpose becomes stronger than ego when your focus shifts towards service. So focusing on contribution is a major, major thing because it's no longer about you, right? Uh, oftentimes that, that's what happens with a lot of people is they turn inward. I love the, the saying that ego is an acronym for edging God out, right? When you get to a point where you edge God out and, and y- your, your focus and your attention and everything is turned in on you, and this is one of the biggest ways to self-sabotage, but when you focus on contribution, you focus on serving other people, it definitely helps eliminate that need for validation. Now, as I get ready to close out, at some point in life, every person has to decide will I build my life around approval or around truth? Think about that for a moment. What is your truth? What do you truly want for your life? What, what do you want in your heart of hearts, right? Maybe you're, you're on a path that your parents told you you should be on. Maybe you've been just guided but not guided necessarily on, on what was meant for you, but more so guided on what other people thought was right for you. And you, you're gonna get to a point in your life at the very end where you have to take an account for all of your decisions that you've made throughout the journey, and do you really wanna get to your deathbed and, and genuinely feel like you never got to live who you really are? You never got to live up to your potential because you were so immersed and, and inundated with this disease to please, right? Where you always live for the approval of other people, right? So the moment you stop needing everyone to validate your existence, you begin accessing a different level of peace, a different level of confidence, and a different level of freedom. And maybe the real flex is simply, uh, you know, in life not being admired by everybody. Maybe it's finally becoming who you were meant to be, even if not everybody understands it. So ladies and gentlemen, I know today was a short Breakfast Club session. If you got value from today's session, drop a V in the comments. Uh, let us know, uh, if you got value from it. I greatly appreciate it. Appreciate all of you who engage with the content, who like, comment, share, tag. Uh, definitely subscribe to the YouTube channel if you're not. You can also follow me at The World Traveler. And, uh, this month I was offering a certain amount of complimentary coaching sessions. We still have a few days left in the month, so, um, if you would like to, uh, meet with me one-on-one, this is my gift to the community. And, uh, just DM me the word coach, and I'll send you over my, my Calendly link. It's always great connecting with a lot of you guys to support you with whatever it is that you're working on. And all in all, breakfast is served. God bless you all, and I'll be seeing you all next week. Take care, guys.