33. Why the Lowest is Sometimes Necessary [Life with Depression] - part 1

In this episode, I share my journey with depression and anxiety and how my lowest brought me to where I am today. 

0:00
0:22 Introduction
1:17 The Lowest Low
1:58 Background
3:49 First Marriage
4:47 Single Mom Life
5:41 Current Marriage
6:24 Depression Full Force
7:07 "I just want to be happy."
7:37 Tipping Point
9:50 Couldn't Understand...
10:16 Turning Inward
10:38 Depression Staying
11:02 Search for Happiness
11:21 The 3 Options
12:42 Figuring it Out
13:26 Unknown Destination
13:41 Why is the Lowest Necessary?
14:26 Major Discomfort
15:13 Figuring it Out
15:43 To Heal
15:58 Water and Air
16:29 Undercurrent
17:59 Final Thoughts

Join me as I share this journey, and hopefully give to those who might see reflections of their own journey in mine.

Transcript

Navigating Depression

Speaker 1 0:00

Hey y'all , welcome back to another episode . First , I just want to say thank you for tuning in and for being here . Today's topic is one that I'm excited to talk about and it's also really vulnerable to talk about , but I know it's a conversation that needs to be had and one that I am ready to have and ready to share in order to perhaps help you find support , find hope and also maybe feel less alone in whatever journey you're going through . I've titled this and kind of started this with the thought of why the lowest is sometimes necessary , and a subtitle for this would be how my lowest depression made me figure it out . This will be a two-part episode the first part this week and then next part next week or , if you're listening to this , in the future , you'll be able to listen to these back to back . This first part will give you some background , background and my history with depression , as well as sharing why , when looking back , why the lowest was necessary for me , why the lowest is the thing that propelled me to a different place . When we are going through a really low time in our life , especially with feeling depressed , there's a lot of like why , me's and a lot of how can I get out of this ? I just want to be happy . There's a lot of that surrounding that and there's nothing wrong with that . And when I was in my lowest it was really hard for me to grasp why I was there and how to get out of it . And looking back I see clearly that the lowest low I was ever in was exactly what I needed to actually make sense , figure things out and move myself forward in a productive and meaningful trajectory . So first let's talk about my background with depression .

Speaker 1 2:02

I had struggled with depression and anxiety for years . I think most people feel depressed and feel anxious at different times and then , of course , there's the whole spectrum of feeling depressed and feeling anxious . In my high school years I had a lot more like anxiety and stress . That also went into my college years and looking back , I actually feel like a lot of that was rooted in depression , hopelessness and , just like this , trying to claw above dealing with life . In high school I had a few different panic attacks where I just wanted out of my own skin . It was just hard to be in my body . And then in college I got stomach pains that were so bad that it sent me to the ER and they gave me morphine and that was the only thing that helped . And we did a lot of different tests and all they could come up with was that this was stress and at the same time I was dealing with really crippling eating disorders , that every day I woke up was me having to face the world of having to eat food , and that kind of went hand in hand with depression . So I'm feeling stressed about college and all these changes , feeling kind of anxious there , and then I'm depressed because every day is a struggle because I hate my body so much . I'm depressed because every day is a struggle because I hate my body so much . I'm trying to limit foods and I'm stuck in this . Anxiety and depression toss up . And then I have good days as well , and so it's just this like melding of all the things anxiety through high school , which I think a lot of was depression that manifested as being anxious , and then anxiety and depression slurry throughout college .

Speaker 1 3:49

And then I get into my first marriage at the age of 20 . And this marriage is heavy and hard and it was in this marriage where I realized that if I wanted any joy in my life I would have to create that . And in this marriage I did everything I could to survive and enjoy my life . I would have to create that and in this marriage I did everything I could to survive and enjoy my life . I would have anxiety here and there and I had a few panic attacks and I would feel depressed and like hopeless and trapped here and there and these would come and go and they were kind of this undercurrent . But I also couldn't fully experience them because I'm a mom in a marriage where I need to survive . So in order to survive , I couldn't feel anxiety and depression fully , but they were there as this undercurrent . I didn't have time or space for them to be so present , because when you're in survival mode you have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other .

Speaker 1 4:47

Now , fast forward . I get divorced , I'm the mom of a toddler and a newborn and at this point in my life I'm kind of in what I like to call rockstar mode , where I am just trying to handle it all , do it all , be present , be a good mom , go on dates and meet people . I'm handling life the best I can . Obviously it's stressful to be a single mom of two . Obviously it's stressful to not know what comes next . That's all stressful , and so that's where I find myself just trying to plow ahead in rockstar mode .

Speaker 1 5:22

I don't remember feeling much depression or anxiety in this time . I do remember feeling like , stressed about , like maybe , what my life would look like Would I get remarried , would I not ? I didn't know , but in that time , like full on survival , it's me taking care of two people and we've got to just go . We've got to do the thing right . We've got to live life Now , fast forward . From beyond that , I get married , we move into a house . I'm married to a really stable , kind , patient person . I am now in a home that is stable . Our finances are pretty stable , I have another kiddo and now I am a mom of three kids and everything is just stable . Everything feels good .

Speaker 1 6:01

And it was at this point in my life where everything was just and great . We owned our own business , things were going well Forward , progress was being made . Yes , there was a lot on my plate , but no more than before in any other point in my life , and I had a teammate that was helpful and amazing and patient and kind . And it was at this point in my life where depression came in full force . It sat with me and it was constant . It was so heavy and so horrible that I felt badly that my children and my husband had to deal with me and how I was . I was short-tempered , I was unmotivated , I was unhappy , and if I couldn't be happy when my life was great , then I must have something majorly wrong with me .

Speaker 1 6:52

I had survived anxiety and depression as a teen , in my college years , with eating disorders and even in an abusive marriage and as a single mom . Yet here I am in this beautiful , amazing life , and suddenly my depression is so heavy . I thought I just want to be happy and it shouldn't be so hard . Happiness shouldn't feel so far away when everything around you is going well . I felt broken and unfixable . What could even be fixed when everything was going so well , when everything was so good , like obviously there were no more problems with anything outside myself ? And so it must be me , I must need fixed . I must be me , I must need fixed , I must be broken .

Speaker 1 7:33

This became so heavy where the point came where no longer existing seemed like a good option . Now I wasn't hopeless about this and I wasn't agonizing over this . It felt very rational that the way to end my suffering , and therefore the suffering of those I love most , would be to end my existence . I didn't feel anxious or stressed about this . I just felt calm about it all . It felt rational that my family would be better off in the long run without me , without carrying the dead weight of me and my hard and heavy emotions . I knew they would be better off in the long run without me , without carrying the dead weight of me and my hard and heavy emotions . I knew they would be sad initially , but I also knew that in time they would heal . And truth was , I didn't know if I would heal continuing the way I was going on . I didn't know if I would ever feel happiness or joy , if I would feel anything other than hopelessness and hopelessness and nothingness . I did not want to live a life feeling like that and I did not want my family to have to carry the weight of me feeling like that .

Speaker 1 8:45

After feeling like this for a while , I decided to tell my husband what I was going through and where my head was at . It was at a point where I was scared , how calm and rational this felt , that I was so low that this seemed like a viable solution . I told him that I thought I might need to go on medication , but , as a side note , I had gone on medication in my college years and it left me worse than before , and so even just saying that out loud didn't feel like a good option , but it felt like it might be the only option . I didn't tell him this to like , get him to pity me or anything . I told him this because I was scared of how deeply I felt about this ending of it all being a viable option . He didn't freak out , he didn't lose his mind , he didn't tell me I was wrong . He just listened and still loved me . And I still struggled .

Speaker 1 9:44

At least this time it was open and in the air . I had said words that were scary to say and the world didn't end , but I still struggled . I still wrestled , trying to understand why I was at my lowest when my life was at its highest . So I couldn't look outside myself to try to understand my depression . It wasn't the abuse of ex-husband . It wasn't the stress of college . It wasn't the stress of being a teenager . It wasn't body image issues . There was nothing outside of me that needed fixed . My life was beautiful . It was in my darkest that I was forced to turn inward and look at myself , truly look inward and face myself .

Speaker 1 10:27

In the past , my depression would come and go . It would sit for a while , but I was always able to claw my way to happiness or at least pretend I was happy . But not this time . It was different . My depression came in to sit with me and stay . It was there to force me to notice it and deal with it , or it would take me out completely . It made me feel it fully . This was no longer depression as the undertone to happiness or a happy face . Depression was it . But I still couldn't understand why I couldn't just be happy . I just wanted to be happy , and the frustration that I wasn't made me sink even lower . My striving for happiness and this desire to be happy made me even more depressed because I couldn't seem to reach it .

Speaker 1 11:21

At this point , I had in my brain three options get medicated again , end it all or figure it out . Going on how I was feeling was not an option . So just staying the same for me was not a life I was willing to live . Therefore , I needed to be medicated , end it or figure it out . But all these options seemed so difficult why ? Well , because meds in the past hadn't solved anything for me . In fact , they made things worse , and ending it all , I knew , would end my suffering .

Speaker 1 11:55

But I also knew in my soul , my deep inner knowing that that was not a solution , that I wanted , that me myself , my truest self , did not want that , and figuring it out seemed idealistic and not real . The idea of figuring out life with depression wasn't even an example I had to look to . It didn't exist . You couldn't look on social media and see people figuring out depression . There were no examples of people healing or recovering from depression , just examples of those suffering , those pretending it wasn't there and those that were medicated . And I knew I could no longer suffer and I knew medication was not a good option for me . And so I was left with this idealistic path of figuring it out , which , once again , didn't even seem real . That doesn't even exist . Yet that was the option I was left with . I decided the worst that could happen from me trying to quote unquote figure it out was going back to the other two options , which , if I don't try to figure it out , then I'm still left with the other two options , but if I do try to figure it out . Maybe it works or maybe it doesn't , and then I'm still left with the other two options . So figuring it out was the path I decided to walk . So I decided to step on the path of figuring out how to navigate depression and build a life that was one I could live . Now , I didn't know what this would look like , and it was the only option that had an unknown destination for me . The other two options were pretty clear destinations , and this option had an unknown destination , and that was better than the other two .

Speaker 1 13:41

Now , looking back , how is the lowest sometimes necessary ? Well , this round of depression was the worst it had ever been for me , and it made me deal with it . This time . Depression did not allow me to fake happiness and push depression down . It was almost as if my soul did not want depression to continue to be an undercurrent of my life and have me living half of a life . Had I not experienced this lowest of lows , I would not be where I am today . My life would not look the way it looks today . The lowest was necessary to cause me to change . So why is the lowest sometimes necessary to cause us to change

Navigating Discomfort and Major Suffering

Speaker 1 14:25

?

Speaker 1 14:25

It comes down to the difference between when something is slightly uncomfortable or irritating versus when something is unbearably uncomfortable or unbearably irritating . You can put up with slight discomfort for a long , long time . You can probably even ignore it and just deal with it for years . But major discomfort , major suffering , begs you to deal with it . You have no choice but to figure it out or suffer or give up . Giving up for me meant either literally giving up my life or allowing depression to continue to run the show and therefore my life . Figuring it out for me meant figuring out my life and owning the road ahead .

Speaker 1 15:20

When you have your lowest moments , mentally or even physically , it's your soul's way of begging you to deal with it . In your greatest discomfort and pain you are forced to look around you and look inside you and heal or figure it out , or surrender and suffer . To heal or figure it out doesn't mean you won't have flare-ups right Of whatever is bothering you or whatever you're dealing with . But to heal means you know you are capable of not being in a constant state of suffering . It's the difference between going underwater and never being able to come up for air and drowning constantly . Being in a constant state of drowning and healing is that learning to come up for air and then becoming better and better at staying where there is air . But for a while , and maybe even forever , waves will come in . You'll be underwater , but healing is the knowing that you can come up for air . Be underwater , but healing is the knowing that you can come up for air and knowing how to do that .

Speaker 1 16:34

For me in the past , before this really heavy episode of depression , depression was just an undercurrent . It was sometimes stronger and sometimes it subsided , and so I didn't really need to deal with it because air was there . Sometimes I was underwater and sometimes I'd breathe and it would just happen . It came and went and I could also cover it up with a smile . But when it came and stayed and weighed me down , it forced me to adjust , change , shift , figure it out . When something comes to you and is uncomfortable , unbearably uncomfortable , we adjust , we shift , we move to navigate it , to figure it out . You are forced to do it . In that moment I needed the heaviness to force me to look at how I was feeling and how I was living . It was majorly uncomfortable and caused major suffering . Uncomfortable and caused major suffering . Therefore , I could no longer ignore it . I had to face it head on , figuring out life with depression .