Confidence Isn't Something You Build Before You Start

~ You have been thinking about this dream for a while now. Maybe a long while. And somewhere in the back of your mind, there is a quiet but persistent question: what is it going to take to finally feel ready?

This episode is for you if you have been waiting on confidence to come before you begin. Because the hard truth is that the waiting might be the very thing keeping you from the activity that would grow it.

In this episode, I dig into three mistakes women make when it comes to confidence, and any one of them can quietly stall a dream for months or years.

• Believing there is a shortcut that will make starting feel easier
• Thinking confidence comes from getting things right the first time
• Looking to yourself as the source of it

That last one is the shift that changes everything. Because your confidence was never meant to come from you. It was meant to be secured in God, in who He is, and in what He has already placed inside you.

I close the episode with two specific Scripture passages I want you to sit with: Romans 8:11, 14-17 and Acts 2:1-4. These are the foundation everything else in this episode is built on.

If you are ready to figure out what your next step actually looks like, I would love to have you join me for my April 23rd workshop, The Next Best Step for Pursuing a God-shaped Dream. Register at merrittonsa.com/workshop.

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Transcript

Hey there, quick question for you: Have you ever felt stuck or unsure about the next step you should take towards a goal? I bet you think about it all the time. You roll these ideas over in your mind, but you're just not sure how to start getting some traction and really moving forward.

That used to be me. Lots of ideas, not a lot of action. That's why I created a brand-new workshop, The Next Best Step for Pursuing a God-Shaped Dream, and it's happening this month on April 23rd.

If you want to write a book, start a podcast, build a ministry or a business, a creative pursuit, whatever your goal, this workshop will help you define it, identify what's standing in the way so you can get past it, and decide what the next best step is for you. Because sometimes all it takes is a decision and a commitment to get moving.

Sign up today for the workshop at merrittonsa.com/workshop. That's merrittonsa.com/workshop.

You're listening to the Devoted Dreamers Podcast, and I'm your host and dream coach, Merritt Onsa.

This is the show for you if you are a passionate creative woman who loves Jesus and is eager to confidently live out your God-shaped dream without the doubt, insecurity, and second guessing that is so common when you're getting ready to step outside your comfort zone.

If this has been a struggle for you, all is not lost. Like I said, it's a common struggle, but we don't want to stay there. God's desire for you is to live life to the full, and I'm here to remind you that this prayer promise is yours too.

And my promise to you on this journey as your dream coach and podcast host is a new episode every Wednesday morning where I will coach you through the early stages of following a dream with fuel for the fire that's already burning in your heart.

If you are ready to find some real traction so you can move forward instead of sitting on the sidelines, subscribe to the show, then meet me back here each week for some transformational tools to help you release the lies and take the next step so you can freely show up in the world offering your gifts in service to God's kingdom.

Hey friends, welcome to the Devoted Dreamers Podcast and this solo series about digging into why so many women give up on their dreams and what you can do to avoid being one of them.

Hi, I'm Merritt Onsa, I'm your host, and I help creative Christian women get free from a negative mindset by translating their biblical knowledge from head to heart so that they can grow in Christ centered confidence and pursue their big ambitious God-shaped dreams without worrying what other people think of them.

Last week I talked about how women struggle more than men. The statistics say women struggle to feel confident in their competence, and how a lot of that is our desire to do things perfectly and often our choice to not do them at all if we are unable or we think that we can't do them perfectly.

I mean maybe it's one of the reasons women give up on their dreams, or we engage in procrastinating. I didn't coin that term, but procrastinating, I have got to learn ten more things before I can take a step.

We learn to the nth degree. Maybe we do that because we believe that maybe, just maybe, if we knew a little bit more we wouldn't feel so anxious about stepping into new things.

I don't know who needs to hear this right now, but newsflash, almost one hundred percent of the time you are going to feel anxious about stepping into something new.

In fact, as I thought about this today, I struggled to come up with an example of something “new” that you could pursue that you wouldn't feel a tiny bit or a lot of trepidation about.

So I tried for a short list of kind of pretty safe things, things that you might actually say that you desire for your life, things you might want to do for fun.

So let's flesh this out a little bit and see if we can come to just this understanding of like pretty much everything we do, if it's new, you're going to feel a little bit anxious about it.

Okay, so driving your brand-new car for the first time. You just got this new car, the new car smell, the seats are so beautiful and clean. It's exhilarating, but yeah, how do you turn this thing on, that button thing, and where's the blinker switch, and oh, once you're driving the brakes feel different than your previous car. A little bit of anxiousness there.

Okay, what about if you were cooking something you've never made before? You love cooking, right, some of you, and you're trying a new recipe and it seems exciting to test out something new, especially if you love cooking, but following that recipe all of a sudden you're like, oh shoot, do I have every ingredient, do I need to make a quick run to the store, or about the timing, let's see, is it going to be ready at the same time as the sides, because if those veggies get overcooked, oh dear, we have a problem.

Okay, another example, taking a big trip, like a big vacation to a foreign country. That could be exciting, also nerve wracking, like so much planning involved.

How about trying out a new mountain bike trail, says my Colorado husband. You know you're like, oh I've never, you know I'm not used to where those bumps are, or I don't know, I'm not a mountain biker.

How about skydiving? I don't know if that's any of your ambitions, but yeah, any of these things on this short list, and probably pretty much anything you can think of, there is a little, at least a little bit of anxiousness, trepidation when we think about doing something new.

So what can you add to the list? You have one? Can you come up with one that you're like, oh this is something new that I don't imagine would have any trepidation? I'd love to know.

I give you this list just to remind you that it's not just the challenging outside your comfort zone promptings that God has put on your heart that are testing your confidence.

This whole series is about digging into why so many women give up on their dreams and how you can avoid being one of them, and I'm coming back every week for the next several weeks talking about what's keeping you stuck and how to get unstuck.

So the core message for this episode today is that you don't have to work on your confidence or competence. You don't have to work on it. It is the fruit or the result of taking bold steps into something new regardless of how you feel.

And I want you to think back to last week's episode where I asked you to imagine our coffee shop conversation, the two questions that I asked.

Do you consider yourself a leader? And do you see yourself as capable of accomplishing big things?

If your answer to either question was no, here's my follow up question. What would it take to arrive at a different answer? Is it more experience, more like on the job training, or you know, again experiential training, someone teaching you how to do something?

Is it more likes on Facebook or Instagram or wherever you hang out on social media? Is it actual people following your leadership that would make you feel like a leader, or is it some arbitrary accomplishment that would make you feel like now I've arrived?

Let's be real though. Think back to who you were ten years ago. Ten years ago. Don't you currently today have more experience, very likely more training, more social media likes, more people who see you as a leader or who listen to your words or who read your words, or even a few accomplishments that you couldn't have imagined back then, ten years ago?

And yet you're still stuck in a cycle of diminishing your abilities or your capabilities.

What that tells me is that you and I, we don't grow in confidence only by doing more, only by gaining experience or by age. Why? Because there are always new things to discover and explore, just like the list I shared earlier.

So again, I'm here to encourage you that you don't have to work on your confidence or your competence. It's not like this thing on your checklist that you've got to get to, that you've got to work on. It is the actual fruit or result of taking bold steps into something new regardless of how you feel.

And isn't that kind of ironic, that the lack of confidence or the lack of feeling competent actually causes us to resist doing the thing that would bring on maybe more confidence or competence?

And I want you to just sit with me in this for a minute, because sometimes I think we have this belief that if you could just figure it out, like it would be easier to move forward in your dream.

Like if someone could just give you the key to that thing that's been holding you back, or the instruction manual that has the short three-minute videos that gets you through whatever it is that you think you're lacking or that you think you need to know, that would make it easier to move forward in your dream.

Like what's that list for you?

Is it like having an email marketing strategy or the right email marketing software? Of course they all want you to believe that theirs is the best.

Is it growing your audience? Yeah, then it would be easier to move forward in your dream.

Is it getting better with your finances so you can save or spend differently?

Or maybe it's learning to public speak with confidence, learning to open your mouth and say things that make sense.

Or is it like, oh gosh, I wish I could just learn how to go live on social media more often or figure out reels on Instagram?

Or maybe for you it's spiritual, like if only I felt certain in the depths of my soul that this is what God is calling me to. We'll cover this topic in depth in a solo episode in a few weeks, so stay tuned for that.

Or what if I could just figure out how to have deeper, more consistent time with God? Maybe one or the other of those is more troubling to you, more consistent or deeper.

If I could just figure that out, then pursuing my dream wouldn't be so hard.

Or if I could just hear God at all.

Or maybe if he just gave me a sign. Like could you God just please give me a sign?

Are any of these things the barriers to you?

Are you believing the lie that removing one of these barriers would be enough to help you move forward?

And how do you escape this vicious cycle of thinking that there is something lacking within you, that you're not prepared enough or God hasn't revealed enough yet for you to take the next step?

Are you sure?

Are you sure it's God that you're waiting on?

How do you know for sure it's not him waiting on you, that you're not the one holding it up?

Okay, again, no shame there. I'm just kind of talking the reality through of what it's like to process through and work through our God-shaped dreams.

So what do we do about it?

We adjust our mistaken beliefs.

And I want to get into just a little bit three mistakes that we tend to make.

I mentioned the first one here a second ago, that there isn't a quick fix. You need to accept that you're not going to wake up one day wearing a brand-new suit of confidence.

There isn't a red pill you can swallow that will give you all the answers in one fell swoop.

Instead, this is a process of taking repeated steps of faithfulness, of obedience and submission over time.

I'm sorry to tell you that this is a long road, and that's hard to accept because we want it to be easy, often because we believe the answer is out there somewhere, that somebody else knows something I don't know.

And believe me, I struggle with this into the depths of my soul. I struggle with this.

My dad still teases me, as in two days ago, that in high school when I would come to him for help with a math homework problem, he would talk around it for like twenty minutes at least before we'd even begin to tackle the actual problem on my paper.

And I would say to him, this is how he teases me because he repeats this quote, "Dad, I don't want to talk about it. I just want the answer."

He's never going to let me live this one down, but he's right. I still struggle with this.

I just want the answer, but it's not about getting the answer. It's about working through the struggle and the challenges.

That's how we learn and we grow.

And you know, I admit my very smart dad knew that then, and he knows it now.

Okay, so here we are with mistake number two, that confidence doesn't come because you got everything right the first time. Confidence is earned and learned.

And I will say that is where trusting God comes in. I mean, we have to trust God in all of it, but this desire to get things right the first time, to do it perfectly, we have got to trust that God's got his hand on this and that your job is not to be perfect.

Your job is to take faithful steps, to try new things, to reflect on what happened, like do it with intentionality, make some notes, do some journaling. I am a huge believer in reflection, and yet I don't do it often enough.

To give yourself a timeline to pursue something, you know, I'm going to do xyz, whatever it is, like post on Instagram in a certain way for a month's period of time, and then reflect on how did it go, what didn't go well, what could I do differently, what did go well, what can I learn from this, and then you readjust for next time.

And in all of it, always trusting God for the outcome, because he sees an outcome that we would never see, right? He sees the words that you've written in a social media post that touch somebody's heart, but they don't comment or like it or whatever. You're never going to see that.

We have to trust him for the outcome of whatever it is we're doing, rather than giving up when it doesn't, on the outside by appearances, go the way that you hoped or expected.

And then that whole list, we rinse and repeat.

And I'll say them again. Take faithful steps, try new things, reflect on what happened, readjust for next time, and always trust God for the outcome.

Mistake number three I see people making is thinking that your confidence comes from you. Your confidence is meant to be secured in God and your relationship with him and your identity in him, not in yourself or even your ability to hear from him.

So how do we grow our confidence in God, in his character, in his trustworthiness?

It's a practice of shifting what you believe, what you believe about who God is, about his character. Is he a good God? Is he always a good God? Is he always there? Can he hear you? Yes. Does he hear you? Yes.

It's about shifting what you believe about the security of your worth and identity in Christ, that that is secure, that it is not vulnerable to your behavior, your performance, your perfection. It is secure, completely secured.

And then also doing the work to liberate your mind from the darkness that our enemy wants to use to keep you captive.

And that liberation comes from knowing that that's what's happening and then using weapons of God's word, his spirit, his truth, his people to fight back.

And then finally, letting your light shine brightly in response to the privilege it is to be included in the redemptive kingdom work God is doing on earth here right now.

And we can be secure in these beliefs because we have the power of the Holy Spirit living in us, and what a gift that is.

And I have an assignment for you once you finish this episode and before you move on to the next thing today, whatever you have on your agenda next.

I urge you to read Acts 2:1-4. Maybe even read it in a few different Bible translations. Bible Gateway is a great tool for doing that, but read about the powerful wind with which the Holy Spirit entered the room and then rested upon the disciples on that day when the first humans received the spirit of God within them.

Imagine that. It is awesome. Go read it. Don't miss that today.

And then go read Romans 8, and I'm going to share a little bit of it here for you.

This is from the NIV specifically, Romans 8:11 is what I'm going to read first, and it says, "And if the spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his spirit who lives in you."

That power of the Holy Spirit will give life to your mortal body through his spirit who lives in you.

And then here's verses 14 through 17.

"For those who are led by the spirit of God are children of God. The spirit you receive does not make you slaves so that you live in fear again, rather the spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship, and by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'

The spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.

Now if we are children, then we are heirs, heirs of God and coheirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

And it is right after these verses in Romans eight that Paul talks about how our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Your present sufferings, your struggle with a lack of confidence, your concerns that you aren't competent enough, that you don't have what it takes, or that the answer is out there somewhere but it's just evading you, none of that, none of those struggles compare to the glory that will be revealed in us for eternity.

Sit with that. Sit with that truth. It is so powerful.

And the more that we dwell in God's word, in his truth, engaging with his spirit, trusting that he's going to speak to us, to be with us, to be the strength that we need when we feel weak, that's where confidence comes from.

If you're loving this and you want to go deeper into addressing your confidence concerns, looking specifically at the barriers relevant to you and your story, it might be time to think about hiring a coach.

Let's get on a call and talk it over and see if dream coaching is right for you right now. You can do that at merrittonsa.com/bookacall.

And even if at the end of that thirty-minute call we decide it's not the right time for you, you're still going to walk away having invested thirty minutes with a sister in Christ toward figuring out your next step in the dream God has put before you.

Honestly, what do you have to lose?

That link again in case you missed it is merrittonsa.com/bookacall.

I would love to spend thirty minutes on the phone with you hearing about your dreams and what God might have for you next.

Thank you so much for listening to this solo episode today.

Don't let the conversation end here. Please connect with me and a supportive group of women dreamers over in the Devoted Dreamers Facebook group, where we are building an encouraging community of like-minded women because we were never meant to do this alone.

You can find the group at bit.ly/dreamergroup.

I'll see you next week.