Feeling Distant from God? What’s Really Going On

~ You’re reading your Bible and praying throughout the day and yet God still doesn’t feel close. You don’t have a discipline problem, so it’s got to be something else. 

In this episode, I’m back in conversation with Kari Eliza, the voice behind Held Right Here, where she helps parents raise children in faith in a way that feels safe and connected rather than pressured and performative. 

What Kari understands about how human beings are wired is changing the way I see my own relationship with God, and I think it will do the same for you.

We’re talking this time about what it looks like to pursue a God-given dream when your body is tense, your mind is running, and God feels far away. And more importantly, what to do about it.

Here’s some of what we cover:

• Why creativity, obedience, and joy with God are not things you produce, they are things that happen when you feel safe with him
• How your body signals disconnection from God before your mind catches up
• Why God is not disappointed in your humanness and how knowing that changes everything

This is episode 360, part two in the series with Kari. If you haven’t listened to episode 359 yet, start there first, then come back here.

One thing Kari said that I keep coming back to: the calling itself is a gift to you, not just to the people it will eventually serve.

If you’re ready to pursue your dream rooted in God’s Word, aligned with the way you’re wired, and supported by women who get it, come find your people in the Dream Believers community.

👉 merrittonsa.com/dreambelievers
 
 

🔗 Connect with Kari Eliza

• Instagram: Held.Right.Here

Devoted Dreamers is hosted by Merritt Onsa — a Christian life coach, mentor, speaker, and founder of the Dream Believers community. New episodes drop every week for the woman who believes her best chapter isn’t behind her.

Sign up for Dream Believers. Just $49/month or $490 for the year (get 2 months free!) 

NEXT STEPS:
Connect with Merritt: Website || Instagram || Book a Call
Leave a Review: Apple Podcasts/iTunes
Subscribe: on Apple Podcasts * on Android
Join the Dream Believers community

MORE ABOUT THE DEVOTED DREAMERS PODCAST:
Produced by Jonathan R. Clauson.
Theme music by Reaktor Productions.
Ad music by Komiku.

Transcript

Kari Eliza [00:00:00]:

When we are attached, when we are feeling emotionally connected with God and we're feeling his warmth and his care and his nurture and his leadership over us, then all the things we normally strive to do automatically happen. Like we want to obey, we want to spend time with him, we want to be more like him. And we also have like joy and delight and creativity. And we feel safe to create.

Merritt Onsa [00:00:32]:

Welcome to the Devoted Dreamers podcast. I'm your host Merritt Onsa, and this season I've invited visiting co-hosts to join me for a series of episodes on a particular topic that I think is relevant to your journey of pursuing a God shaped dream. Early this year, I discovered today's co-host Kari Eliza on Instagram. In just a few brief interactions via direct message, I learned so much from her about secure attachment and its connection to our relationship with the Lord. This is crucial if you have a big dream. That's why I've brought her here and I can't wait for you to learn from her along with me. 

A quick intro: Kari Eliza is the voice behind Held Right Here, an Instagram account where she helps parents share God with their children in ways that feel safe, connected, and deeply relational. She's passionate about the intersection of attachment, nervous system science and faith, and how our earliest experiences of connection shape the way we experience God's love.

Merritt Onsa [00:01:35]:

She gently brings these ideas into everyday language, helping families and us move away from pressure and performance into a faith that feels like rest. The topics we're covering in these episodes go straight to the heart of your relationship with God and are especially connected to pursuing a big dream. 

If you haven't heard my first episode with her, number 359, go back and listen there first and then come on back here. This episode on Feeling Distant from God, What's Really Going on will give you a new lens for seeing how connection to God and feeling safe with him will shape your faith and your ability to pursue a big dream. Okay, let's get to the conversation.

Kari Eliza [00:02:20]:

When I used to coach, I used to say, you know, like, it's like a Jenga tower. We just like pull out all these little things that are keeping this thing up and like one day it'll just crumble down.

Merritt Onsa [00:02:32]:

Yeah. So what are the Jenga pieces? The biblical piece? The.

Kari Eliza [00:02:36]:

Yeah, the, the biblical piece of how we're understanding sin and the fall of man and how what God's posture is toward us. I think that's really important. Normally, the. Normally our understanding of God gets like screwed from the beginning of like Garden of Eden we're already, like, in a insecure attachment lens with God. So I think that's really helpful. That biblical piece and then the just raw attachment science, like what the past 50 years of research looking at kids and primary caregivers have shown us about relationships and how our bodies and minds and spirits, like, how scientists have just witnessed this trust happens and how important it is, I think is fascinating and important

Merritt Onsa [00:03:30]:

How we trust God? Okay. I think that is where I want to go next. Because as we talk to women who have big dreams, our dreams require a trust in the God who gave them to us. Otherwise, we can't, you know, we'll strive and try and, you know, do the work, but if we don't trust the God who gave us the dream every time it gets hard, we're going to shut down or quit or look for another route. So I think it's helpful to realize that doing this perfectly isn't the goal. I think doing it with God is the goal. You know, and letting him have a voice in it and giving him space versus: I have to do this thing.

Merritt Onsa [00:04:36]:

I have to get it done. There's this timeline. There's this, you know, I think about women who want to write a book and the pressure from the publishing industry. That's like, you have to have a platform. You have to have this many people on an email list. You've got to grow your Instagram, you've got to, you know, whatever the ten things are. And that in that space, it's really difficult to be creative, you know, and to let the freedom of who you are and who God made you come out in whatever it is that you're creating.

Kari Eliza [00:05:12]:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Let's talk about. Let's talk about attachment just for a second, because I think it's really fascinating how when the attachment signals are on for a child, what they do, like.

Merritt Onsa [00:05:27]:

Yes, okay.

Kari Eliza [00:05:28]:

How they operate and what happens. Because it's like a beautiful picture for how we can also be in attachment with God. And then how, like you said, like, oh, you just look so light. Like, you just. You lighten up. Right. 

So in a nutshell, scientists, developmental scientists have been looking at children and the bond between them and their primary caregivers when they're young. And they have discovered that there's this thing they're calling attachment, which describes the bond between them that is like the number one crucial thing for how a child develops physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Kari Eliza [00:06:15]:

So if a child feels safe and has a strong bond with their parent, like, literally everything just works really well. When they don't, everything falls apart. It's become a really big cornerstone in developmental science and the primary field of study for where I'm currently taking courses and classes, the Neufeld Institute, because of how important it is, it's using an attachment focused parenting style with my child has just completely transformed her. So when a parent is attuned to the child and is meeting their physical needs, is understanding what's going on with them emotionally, providing warmth and empathy, and having like this assured, nurturing leadership, and the child feels it. It's like a scaffolding that goes around them, right.

Kari Eliza [00:07:21]:

Like a structure. And then the child's nervous system rests. Like, they can actually look at this and, like, look at the nervous system and study the nervous system state based on HRV and other different biological factors. This is not like, hypothetical. 

So the child rests, and then in that rest, they start to form natural empathy. They start to naturally obey. They start to naturally take on the values of the parent. They are loyal to the community's values.

Kari Eliza [00:07:55]:

And they also, because they're in a rest state, they are open, so they're soft. Okay. So they're very high. They're highly teachable. They also are playing and creating and exploring and, like, full of joy and delight. Okay. When the attachment signals are on. Yeah.

Kari Eliza [00:08:19]:

It's like everything God designed, right? Yeah. So it's been really beautiful for me to just watch how I can just get cooperation from my child when I work on the connection between me and my kids. Right. And I think this is a beautiful thing to understand about us in God. When we are attached, when we are feeling emotionally connected with God and we're feeling his warmth and his care and his nurture and his leadership over us. Not as like an authoritarian parent, not as like a distant, harsh, worried about your behavior, not worried about your emotions, not that type of caregiver. Because actually, science has proved that that causes insecure attachment, which breaks everything down.

Kari Eliza [00:09:09]:

But when we understand that God provides this attachment to us, then all the things we normally strive to do automatically happen. Like, we want to obey. We want to have his values. We want to be in connection with him, we want to spend time with Him. We want to be more like Him. And we also have, like, joy and delight and creativity. And we feel safe to create. Like, kids who are just in a rest state.

Kari Eliza [00:09:36]:

They're just like, they don't care what people think. Right. They're not obsessed with, okay, you know, what are people gonna say? 

So I think the attachment piece is so crucial to understand where human beings get our life from. Our freedom, our joy, all the fruits of the Spirit comes from that attachment. When we're little, we really need it from our parents. When we're older, we desperately. Well, even when we're young, but we desperately need to, I think, heal and revive this attachment with God. 

When we are feeling like we're striving and we're worried and we are like trying to, you know, get things done, like that type A, that's just us that's just telling us not necessarily that we're like, insecurely attached.

Kari Eliza [00:10:28]:

I don't think we need to diagnose ourselves, but I think it's just a signal of like, in this moment, my attachment signals are not on, right? I'm not feeling safe. I'm not feeling cared for. I don't feel like someone is attuning to me emotionally. I feel isolated and alone. I feel like someone is looking at my behavior, not my lived experience, right? So that all just shuts. Shuts you down and it puts you like, when you are in that place, it's like you get these little walls that go up that cause you to go like out of rest. Okay? And I think that it happens a lot.

Kari Eliza [00:11:13]:

Like the patterning happens for us early on. So it happens in childhood, either from our caregivers or also from just like our culture and our school. Like, you know, we just pick up on all these signals everywhere. Everybody's got wounds. But the beautiful thing about attachment is that it's ever going because of neuroplasticity. We're always changing and developing. I mean, the Bible talks about the transformation, right, that we have in him. So this is something that we can step into at any point in our lives, which is what I did two years ago.

Kari Eliza [00:11:49]:

And it. I can't, like, I don't know if I can explain it really well, but it's. It just happens to you. It's not something you try to create. And maybe a little later we can talk about the actual practice that helped me to get there. I think the education piece of understanding it is like step one, and then actually inviting God in and experiencing him would be step two.

Merritt Onsa [00:12:18]:

I think that leaves us with a lot to process. You know, thinking about even just the example that I gave, like, okay, I'm sitting at my desk. My body kind of naturally has a response to being in this place. And so how do I go about doing, you know, my work, pursuing the things related to my dream, when sometimes I have to be sitting at my desk. I think for the woman who maybe have. Has heard all of that. And my hope is where we would go with it is not: Oh, dear, you know, like, I have some work to do.

Kari Eliza [00:13:02]:

I'm broken.

Merritt Onsa [00:13:04]:

Yeah, I've got big problems. Rather like what you just said. Our minds are designed to change, right? And God's Word talks about how we are able and capable to change. And so I think what you said, awareness that I may be operating in a certain way, that I think for me, at the end of the year, when I was on that, like, oh, boy, I don't want to do this again in 2026, it was giving myself permission to say no to things that were customary, like in my practice of my day, like how I thought about it, how a day should go, and to say yes to: It's okay to walk outside and take a break. And, you know, it's okay to care, like, identify. There's something going on in my nervous system to take a break and address that versus I was. I have treated my human body like I treat some of my devices like, take all the pictures you want and, you know, if you fill up your gigabytes of photos, just get a new phone, you know, like, don't.

Merritt Onsa [00:14:22]:

Like, don't. Don't regulate the input. Just let it all come in and deal with consequences. And I think now in, you know, I hate this term, but in middle age, the. The repercussions of that are significant. And I know I'm not the only one feeling that, like, I'm sitting here feeling very, like, I don't have this all figured out. I still have some work to do. Oh, give me the number for your coach that helped you with regulation.

Merritt Onsa [00:14:53]:

You know, like, how do I fix this? How do I fix this? And it's okay. So as long as I'm here on this earth and God is still working in me and giving me opportunity to return to him, to remember who I am, to dwell and abide with Him. Like, those two words, dwell and abide, very much feel regulated to me. And so maybe my, you know, striving turns into how do I seek him in a way that is like the gentleness that I need with myself, to begin to make space, to be more regulated in my daily life, in my work, in my work on my dream, in my parenting, in my relationship with my spouse. Like, these are all things that I want. And that's why I wanted you to talk about it.

Kari Eliza [00:15:55]:

And so it's such a human thing you're reflecting on. And I also reflect on this. So I want to be, like, really clear that just because, like, I understand the attachment and I've been through a major transformation that, like, for some reason I don't find myself striving or I don't find myself at my desk. Like, I catch myself all the time. And so I think the difference is, is that it's not just like a default mode, like automatic, just like, right. That I'm, like, freed from it as an operating system. And so when I fall into it, it's like, oh, there it is.

Kari Eliza [00:16:47]:

But there's no shame in it. There used to be shame in my shortcomings, shame in my, you know, lack of results in my business, shame in me not being able to be healthy enough or get myself out of the bed to go to the gym. And so more striving was just put on top of it. And now it's just like a, oh, there it is. And I get to rest my way back, you know, just because it feels good, just because it's. I get to do that. I'm worthy of that.

Kari Eliza [00:17:20]:

Like, it happens all the time. It was happening when. I'll tell this story now. It was happening when I was preparing for our interview the first time we had to reschedule. And of course, I was, like, running out of time, and I hadn't thought about how I was going to talk. And I was really trying to make sure that I didn't explain attachment in, like, a really clinical way. So I'm, like, trying to figure out all my notes, and I'm like, of course I, like, get a migraine. And so I now when I find myself getting, like, ramped up or rushed, like, everyone's nervous system will give them different, like, signals, right? You have to learn your own signals.

Kari Eliza [00:18:00]:

But I always just, like, go do my daily practice, like, immediately when I notice. So for me, that's like laying down on the mat, doing some stretches. I turn on really affirming music and I just, like, get present. And I release body tension first and foremost. And I just regulate. And God always meets me there. I don't have to, like, necessarily fabricate it. And so I was laying there and I was just imagining that I was laying on Jesus's lap.

Kari Eliza [00:18:35]:

If you’ve never done that, it's a very intense thing to imagine yourself doing. And I was imagining that I was laying on his lap. And of course, tears just start coming to my eyes. And I had the thought, come to my mind, why is this going so slow? Like a really frustrated, you know, like, cry out. Like, I just want this to go faster, Right. Like, I'm writing a book. I like, right.

Kari Eliza [00:19:06]:

I want to move it forward. I want to get it out there. Right. But I also want to be a good mom, and I don't want to, like, fry my nervous system. Right. And so it's a real thing, Right. A real challenge, a human challenge that is everywhere in the Bible, right? You can just find lots of examples of people living the human experience, the tough human experience in the Bible. And so I'm like, I just cry out, like, why is it taking. Why is it so slow? And he whispered back, because--I'm gonna get emotional. Because this is a gift to you. And I think we. Forget that. Of course we're passionate about what our projects are gonna do for the world, and the impact they're going to create and God's called us to that. But he doesn't do it despite us.

Kari Eliza [00:20:12]:

He doesn't do it without us, and he definitely doesn't do it while we're, like, fried. Like, our nervous systems are fried. And we're like, no. Like, it's supposed to be transformative. Yeah. Like, it's the. The biggest gift of our callings is for us. It's actually most of it, I think.

Kari Eliza [00:20:31]:

Yeah. Right. Like, this whole process that I'm going on is actually a gift to me more than anybody else. And of course, when you hear that from God, that's like. Right. But God is so affirming and loving in this way. And if we just allow him to come in. Right? Like, all that striving gets broken away, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen to me.

Kari Eliza [00:20:59]:

Like, that's just the human experience. It's just, like, when we notice, we just. We just come back to him. Come back to him. Come back to him over and over. And then we. We get that lightness back. Right? Like, we get to exhale.

Kari Eliza [00:21:14]:

Yeah.

Merritt Onsa [00:21:15]:

It's a process. It's not a one and done.

Kari Eliza [00:21:18]:

Yeah, no, it's like, it's. It's not even a process with an end point. It's just.

Merritt Onsa [00:21:26]:

Yeah.

Kari Eliza [00:21:27]:

I wouldn't even call it a process because that. It's kind of like, you know, it's a process to get where I'm supposed to be. Yeah.

Merritt Onsa [00:21:34]:

Okay.

Kari Eliza [00:21:34]:

What would you call it?

Merritt Onsa [00:21:36]:

Experience.

Kari Eliza [00:21:37]:

It is just the experience of how we are supposed to be held by God. Right. Because, like, we are human. There's nothing we can do about it. So I'm not trying to strive my way out of humanness. I, like, I know that I'm gonna. I'm gonna, like, I'm gonna get into that dysregulation, and I'm gonna start trying to do it without him, and I'm gonna start to feel rushed and look at the clock, and there's gonna be all these things coming at me. Like, that's not going away.

Kari Eliza [00:22:05]:

There's no reason to try to get rid of it. It's just like, how do we dance in the relationship with God? How he intended it to be, you know, as much as we can. And that's just so. It's so freeing to just know that God's just holding you, not ashamed of your humanness, not disappointed in your humanness. He's like, yep, this is about right.

Merritt Onsa [00:22:33]:

Right. He knows our needs.

Kari Eliza [00:22:33]:

Yeah. Like, my. Like my 2 and 3, like, when. When my kids were like, 2 and 3, actually, even now, like, right. I'm not. Because of what I understand about child development, and I know that it will all naturally happen as they naturally meet milestones because they are having all their needs met, like, more or less.

Kari Eliza [00:22:52]:

I'm not a perfect parent. Like, I know that they will develop. I'm not trying to rush them out of their human process. Right. So when they, like, are being. Like, when we. When we logged on, my daughter was, like, crying because she didn't want to go to bed. Right? Like, I'm not.

Kari Eliza [00:23:12]:

I'm not disappointed in her for that. Trying to rush her to some end point. We just get to dance and, like, I've got you. We've got you. We love you. Let me come and scoop you up and offer this nurturing leadership. Right? Like, we're just gonna help you.

Kari Eliza [00:23:31]:

And we know that it'll just evolve how it evolves. And then when she's like, 16, I'll be like, oh, I want you to be little again.

Merritt Onsa [00:23:37]:

You know, when she's 10, you're gonna be that way.

Kari Eliza [00:23:41]:

Yeah. Yeah. But I think God's the same way. Like, why would God be any different than us? Like, he's way, way more loving of a parent than we are. So he's not disappointed in us. He's not trying to get us to some end point. He just wants to love on us and be in relationship with us, I think.

Kari Eliza [00:24:01]:

And when he gets to be the parent, that just. It's just delightful. When I get to, like, you're probably the same way when you get to parent, you know, and just like meet a need for your child, it just lights you up. It's just like the best thing ever, especially when they think you're cool. 

My daughter, I know I'm rambling now, but my daughter, she just got her ears pierced and so she, she just got to change her ear. Like the piercing earrings to the ones that, you know, like a real earring.

Merritt Onsa [00:24:32]:

Yeah. That she wants to wear.

Kari Eliza [00:24:33]:

And I don't think. Yes, exactly. And she, she thought, I think she thought that we had to go back to the place so that, like a professional could like put the earring in, you know. So she found these earrings that her aunt gave her and like, I put them in for her. And the look she, like the look on her face. She called her grandmother and she was like, my mommy did it. You know, like I. And like when you get to connect, when you get to like, like bless a daughter, emotionally connect with something, you know, that she's desiring and then the daughter just out of secure attachments, just like my mommy.

Kari Eliza [00:25:15]:

Right. Like, when that happens, I want you just to imagine God does the same thing. So he's not trying to, like, you know, get us anywhere. Like, that's a human thing. That's like a human invention.

Merritt Onsa [00:25:29]:

Yeah.

Kari Eliza [00:25:30]:

I think. Because when we say attached to him we are, we naturally will evolve right in the way we're supposed to do. That's how development works. It's when we strive that it gets all messed up.

Merritt Onsa [00:25:48]:

Are you beginning to see why I think this topic is so necessary for our dreams? When you're striving in your own strength, you're not trusting the Lord, you're actually trusting yourself and saying, I've got this. But man, if that isn't the worst for us as dreamers. Because what happens when we don't got this? The desire to control, to do things your way, to hold so tightly, it's going to burn you out eventually. And then what happens to your dream? 

I'm so grateful to Kari Eliza for giving us a framework for how to consider what we're learning. Step one, understand what's going on inside of us, our brains. And then inviting God in and experiencing him in this new way. That's step two. 

We're going to get really practical and talk more about the 10-minute daily practice with God in the next episode, part three of this series.

Merritt Onsa [00:26:42]:

So be sure to join us. In the meantime, follow Kari Eliza @heldrighthere on Instagram for a glimpse into her work and the topics we'll be covering on the next devoted Dreamers Podcast Visiting Co Host Episode. 

If you have a God shaped dream, you were never meant to pursue it alone. Dream Believers is my virtual community for Christian women who are done waiting on the sidelines and ready to make real progress together. If that sounds like something you need, come find us at merrittonaa.com/dreambelievers 

See you next time.