026: Why So Many Smart Women Avoid Email (Even When They Know They Need It)

If email has been sitting in the back of your mind - something you know you should be doing, but keep putting off - you’re not the only one. 

This isn’t really about discipline or motivation. It’s more about what’s actually going on underneath when we keep avoiding it … and why just trying harder doesn’t fix it.

We’re talking about:

• Why email keeps getting pushed off (and what that’s really about)
• That “I don’t want to bother people” feeling - and a better way to think about it
• Why feeling behind makes it harder to start, and how to move anyway
• Not having enough to say vs. not having something to fall back on
• What shifts when we stop negotiating with it every week

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

• This Week's Free Action Guide: The Email Avoidance Reset
• The Smart Soulful Business Facebook Community: smartbusiness.thrivecart.com/soulful-strategy-community

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MORE FROM BECKY & LAURIE

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Transcript

Becky Brown 0:01

If you're a Christian woman building a business and want it to be purposeful and profitable, we've got you covered.

Laurie Graham 0:07

I'm Becky. And I'm Lori. We have both built successful businesses that we love without losing our faith, humor, or our sanity. This is Smart Soulful Business.

Becky Brown 0:17

Real conversations to help your business fit your life and not the other way around. Hey friends, and welcome back to Smart Soulful Business with Lori and Becky.

Laurie Graham 0:31

We are helping Christian women, and there's a few men who follow us too, so you don't have to be a woman, but it's just kind of our focus. Um build businesses that not just fit in their lives, but actually enhance their lives. So we're making things easy and sweet and making hard things doable and enjoying what we do while we build a real revenue.

Becky Brown 0:53

Yes. And today we are talking about something that might feel a little too real. Why so many smart, capable women avoid email. And even when we know that we need it, our businesses need it, our people need it. Yeah. Yeah. This is the second episode in our email series on our podcast. Last week we talked about what your email list does for your business. And today we're gonna dive into avoidance. By the end of this episode, you'll understand what's actually behind the avoidance. And I'm actually gonna change that. I don't know if it's always choosing avoidance. I just think they're sticking points. Where do you get stuck when you think of doing this in your business and you know it's a good idea? Where do you get stuck? And we're gonna talk about why the solution isn't more motivation, it's structure. So let's go ahead and dive in.

Laurie Graham 1:49

You know, I gotta say, I love that we're talking about avoidance today. And I didn't even think about this, like in the structure of how we built this series, but we should do this more often because a lot of times we say, hey, this is what we should do what and why, and this is how to get there. And we give the steps. And so often there is a sticking point early on, like, okay, I get it. I understand what I have to do, I get the steps, but I'm still not doing it, right? Yeah. So so glad that we're going here, especially about something so important with this email list.

Becky Brown 2:21

Yeah. And like, I'm just kind of gonna validate you where you are. If you're in one of these sticking points, you're probably there for good reason. So let's name it and let's figure out creative solutions to move you forward. So yeah, let's start with sticking point number one, which actually was a very valid one for me. Um, the most common one is I don't want to bother people. And it sounds at first, listen, it sounds like humility. It sounds really thoughtful and considerate of others, but it also keeps you from showing up to your people. So I want to ask you, Lori, did you, did you have this? Did you have this thought of, oh, I don't want to send this email because I'm just gonna bother them?

Laurie Graham 3:06

I did on and off. And so it's kind of interesting because I am a little more loud, a little more out there, maybe than you would consider yourself. Although you're so relational, Becky, like when you're with people and stuff. But like when as we talk, I'm like, gosh, I'm like blah in your face. But you can be like that too, you know what I mean? So um I'm definitely not a person who's like scared to talk or scared to initiate conversations or scared to reach out to people. But when it comes to sending an email, there is that feeling, like, because you know, we all get emails in our inboxes and we're like, oh my gosh, it's so annoying with some, right? And I think I had that. Like, I don't want to bug them with something that they don't find important. Like, so I did have that a bit, you know, of like, I don't want to bother them, or we'll talk more about unsubscribes in another episode too. That's its own bug. Like when people unsubscribe, I'm like, oh no, I bothered them, which isn't really the truth, quite honestly. It's usually more of a symptom of a misalignment, you know, right?

Becky Brown 4:05

Yeah, yeah. Well, and I definitely, I mean, my my I don't want to bother people, which is uh totally rooted in what I've brought up on so many other episodes, is my insecurity is like, oh, is what I have to say important enough to interrupt their day? Is it important enough to take up space in their inbox? Important enough to take their five minutes of reading time for this. And um, you know, when I especially when I was first starting my business, and I didn't know if people wanted to hear from me. I didn't know if my content was valuable to them. And so the insecurity was really real. And I did want to honor my audience. I I did feel very honored that we they would have signed up for my list. And yeah, it's it was it was very much rooted in insecurity for me.

Laurie Graham 4:52

Yeah, and I just want to say if you struggle with this for sticking point, I don't want to annoy people and that's keeping you from doing things. I just wanna just want to say this that silence, you're not emailing them, does not equal respect for them. Like I think sometimes we think, oh, staying out of their inbox, that's that's nicer to them. That's no, it doesn't equal respect. Like that's it, it equals more disconnection, right? If you want to be connected to somebody, I think the things to remember that help me when early on, especially when I felt like, oh, I don't want to bother people, is that some if somebody gave you your their email list, their email to send them things, like that's the only way you should be sending things anyway. Somebody opted in, they chose you. They actually want, they told you they want to hear from you, right? Yeah, email is completely consent based. So, like, we've got to get that out of our head. I don't want to annoy people. Somebody already chose me. And I also like to think about it, it's like I'm not interrupting them, they can open this anytime they want. If my subject line is clear, they're literally choosing to open it. Like, we all leave emails in our list that are in our inbox that are unopened. And like when we send an email, you're basically honoring their decision to follow you. Like it's an invitation, it's an opportunity. They don't have to take it. So those are a few things that help me like kind of get over it's this isn't about annoying people. Like, that doesn't need to do that. But sometimes when we say we don't want to annoy people or bother people, that's not really the issue. Um, sometimes it's a little deeper, like layers, right? Yes. So sometimes it's a little deeper, and sometimes it really feeds more into our second little sticking point obstacles, why really smart women don't always send emails is that thought of I don't have enough to say. Yeah. Even enough to say, maybe not even something important to say, but enough to say a weekly email, right? Like, you know. Yeah.

Becky Brown 6:45

Yeah. I I can I can definitely speak into this one because especially when I got started and I didn't know how this was supposed to go. I, because people were telling me, you've got this blog post. They were saying an RSS feed isn't enough. So just sending like an auto email to somebody with a link to your post, that's not enough. But I I was sitting there thinking, what does an email look like then? Like I have to come up with a whole nother blog post to tell them to read this blog post. I already wrote the blog post. Like what? And it just felt so mentally taxing. Like, how is that even supposed to work? So we are gonna give you more specific details on how that works, but just on this sticking point is I wanna take that pressure off. That is not the expectation. You do not have to write another blog post to get people to read your blog post and figure out what that looks like. That is not the expectation here.

Laurie Graham 7:36

Um you don't need new ideas every week. Yeah. And honestly, repetition builds familiarity. Not saying the same thing in the same way, but you don't need new ideas every week. Um, familiarity really builds trust and like showing up the same with the even the same struggles and the same vision and the same, you know, um, solutions, that can be really great. Um, I think about our relationship, Becky. Like this morning, so we talk almost every morning, um, or at least every weekday morning, and we like we're really quiet for part of it. We're like, boy, we are both like fuzzed out. We don't have a lot to share. And just being on the other end of the phone with you, even when it was quiet, like we don't need new ideas every week. We just need to show up to people. Yeah, yeah.

Becky Brown 8:24

Saying something, reminding them of your presence, being like reminding them, I'm here for you. You being here is important, it's meaningful. And there, I mean, again, I I get stuck in the specifics, but how do I say that to my audience? That sounds so like cheesy or whatever to say. We will give you more specific ideas on how to do that, but um, just know for this idea is you you don't need you don't need all the huge long list of things, new ideas all the time. That's not the expectation on you. So let's move on to another sticking point. And there's one that we we don't say out loud as often, but um is the the phrase, I'm behind. Now you do say this out loud as often. I want to say this is a constant um sticking point for you in lots of things.

Laurie Graham 9:12

But yeah, but in this case, we're really talking about feeling behind in business. Like we're not advanced enough. You know, when I complain about being behind, I mean with like my to-do list. But yeah, in here, we're really talking about like when we feel behind, like everybody else is growing faster. There's and that this goes into a little bit, there's something wrong with me that leads to me being behind, right? Like I am behind. Like I'm not at a gross stage, like nobody's gonna open me because I don't have enough. Like, I think that is this is this is really important to unpack.

Becky Brown 9:42

Yeah, and that comparison of oh my goodness, I only have um 17 subscribers, but everybody else has thousands and tens of thousands. Um, that comparison can be really brutal. And we also don't see the full picture. We don't see everyone else's open rates or um their their click rates. There's so many things. So um, Lori, what would you say to that woman who has 17 subscribers on her list? I would say that's more than Jesus had.

Laurie Graham 10:15

Like, you know what I mean? Like, are we gonna value those 17 people? Yeah. If you have 17 people on your list, you have 17 people who have chosen you, who want you to show up, who have literally said, yes, I would like to hear from you. And I think we should value that as much as if we had thousands. You know, we're talking about the reasons we avoid email lists, you know, or we avoid writing our own emails. And if one of the reasons we're avoiding it is because we feel like we don't have enough or we're behind in our business or it's not worth it. I mean, I think we got to get to a heart level of going, hey, 17 people are totally worth it. I mean, I know women who I just talked to somebody last week who's like, I have a really small email list. I only have 150. I'm like, you have 150 people who said they want to hear from you. Yeah. Like, yeah, most people on the planet don't have that. Think about the people on your street, in your neighborhood, in your city.

Becky Brown 11:12

Yeah.

Laurie Graham 11:12

Most people aren't sending emails, having people opt in saying, I want to hear from you. So if you've got 17, like, let's value that. And Becky, what would you say to a woman who has 800 people on their email list, but they haven't emailed them in three months?

Becky Brown 11:26

Yeah, yeah. I would say reconnect with your people and don't send a sales email right now. That is what I would say. Both of those things. Yes, don't reconnect by trying to get something from them. Yeah. Right. And I have that. I want to lean into the faith edge a little bit on this one, the comparison piece, because um this has been a lesson for me uh through my insomnia, through all different things of like um you are responsible for stewarding what you have right now. So if you have 17 people on your list, what does it look like to steward that well, to see them as people? We've been talking about in this series that your list isn't about the numbers, it's about the souls. There are people on the other side of the screen with full lives. Like, how do you honor them as people and serve them well? What does that look like for 17 people? And what does it look like for 800 people? And um, I think that's just an important thing to remember along the way.

Laurie Graham 12:20

It is. And I love that you would just want soulful. And I'm gonna go smart for a minute on the smart business side because it is important. And um, if we're practicing smart business, um, there is such a thing as conversion. And I just want to say that like um the bigger the email list does not mean the bigger the revenue.

Becky Brown 12:39

Yeah.

Laurie Graham 12:40

If we are serving people well, I know people with much smaller email lists who honestly have a great revenue. They're making a difference in the world, they're providing for their family and they have employees and everything. And it's not about the number on your email list. If you are building a relationship and serving well and producing things that bring value to people and selling them and learning all these skills, like I think we got to get that out of our head too. Like, we're not just talking about soulful and giving up your life and everything. We're also talking about smart business. So, like, small, I want people to know small is not insignificant.

Becky Brown 13:15

Well, and there are very big benefits to being small. So when your list is smaller, usually they're so much more engaged. Usually they're so much more connected. Usually you can serve those people so much more specifically and personally and better. And as your email list grows bigger and bigger and bigger, usually just for the like all the algorithm stuff, um, usually fewer of your emails land in their box, fewer of your emails get opened, even though your numbers are growing. So we're not saying don't grow, but there are benefits to small groups for sure.

Laurie Graham 13:52

Yeah. And if you're feeling any sort of shame about being um inconsistent, like maybe you have a good list and you're like, oh my gosh, I've been a terrible steward. Like, don't go there either. Because inconsistent isn't irreversible. Like we're baby stepping, we're moving forward all the time. We're making adjustments and momentum returns when your structure returns, which is why we are doing this entire um series about your email list being a big part of your structure, your infrastructure, your consistency. You know, as we talk about a few of the reasons like why we avoid, like we're talking about why smart people, smart women who know that email lists are important, what our obstacles are, what our sticking points are, there's more than we covered in here. For sure. You probably have other things going through your head. But the couple of the main ones, which we've talked about today, are I don't want to annoy people, I don't have enough to say, I'm behind in my business, I don't have enough, you know, that that I don't have enough, whether it's I don't have enough people, I don't have enough time, anything. All this is reversible. But the reality is, is no matter what other avoidance beliefs you're gonna throw in here, avoidance is is an identity pattern. Avoiding your email, it's not, it's not about your email. Like I think this is where we we get some hard stuff and growth and character and understanding who we are. When we avoid stuff, it's typically a lot more about our identity, what we believe about ourselves, because um we avoid things that make us visible, we avoid things that could lead to failure. This is why our brain likes to keep us the same and and stop and not making changes. Um we avoid things, um, uh sometimes the very things that would prove that we're serious and we're growing and we're committed. We avoid them. And when we start emailing consistently, right, it helps it helps like bring some grounding to our identity, even like I've I have felt things shift with the things that I am consistent about. I just want to say, like, just being consistent, it's almost like a give and take. Like our identity leads to some behaviors, but behaviors also can lead to changing, maybe not changing our identity, but bringing confidence in our identity. And yeah, does that make sense, Becky?

Becky Brown 16:14

Well, you and I go back and forth with those questions. We kind of switch between who do you want to be today as a business owner, as a mom, as uh whatever, who do you want to be today? And what do you need to do today? And both of those things are important because they depose each other.

Laurie Graham 16:28

Thank you. Yeah.

Becky Brown 16:29

Yeah, absolutely.

Laurie Graham 16:30

Yeah, yeah. So for you, Becky, I know you talked about email being inconsistent when you first started and and avoiding it highly. Um, I don't know if you've been consistent with your email for like years now. Years and years now, yeah. Okay, cool. So what shifted for you? Can you remember, like, I want you to remember back to when you became consistent. Yeah. Like when you committed to being consistent, and even now, after you've been consistent for years, what shifted or what's still shifting for you as email became a non-negotiable?

Becky Brown 17:01

Yeah, I can tell you, um, I can tell you exactly what shifted. Um, because before, um, when I was when I was inconsistent, I didn't see the value of my email list. I was doing it because somebody told me to, and I was trying it out, and I'm like, I don't know if this is working or all at all. It was throwing spaghetti at the wall, and I I I I wasn't bought into the idea yet. I was trying it out. What changed for me is when people started emailing me back and they started sharing deep responses and deep struggles. And um, like I what changed for me is I saw the value of my emails and I saw that they were impacting people and making a difference and people were reading them. And that that is what changed me from inconsistent throwing spaghetti at a wall to no, this is going to be a built-in part of my business now.

Laurie Graham 17:52

Yeah, and for you and your email list, I just want to unpack a little bit that you said they started sharing deep struggles. I started seeing I was making a difference for people because you, um, and I know you've shifted a little bit over the years, but you've talked about Christian um weight loss, identity, marriage, parenting, um, faith in a lot of different ways where that's coming up. And for some people with businesses, like you may never hear deep struggles for people. Yeah. But like with me and some of my practical resources, I will get emails from people saying, this like was a game changer in my ministry, or this tool that you taught about, you know, leadership or recruiting volunteers or not recruiting volunteers, right? Like it's not always like, don't feel like you you're gonna enter this, you know, deep life thing. You may because you may want that. That may be part of your ministry or your business. But regardless of what your focus is and what you're building, you will hear from people. Yes. You will hear from people when it becomes consistent, when they know that you're showing up for them. It's not like overnight you send three emails and you're getting all these things, right? Do you know when that started like becoming more of a norm for you? Like how far into being consistent with it?

Becky Brown 19:03

I wish I had dates. Oh, uh the so the consistency came after I got the emails back. So I was like throwing spaghetti at the wall when people started emailing me back. And then I was like, oh, I have to do this regularly now.

Laurie Graham 19:15

So great. Yeah, yeah. So the shift when emails become non-negotiable is that consistency of not just you being consistent, but them, you know, feeding you back. I love that. That's kind of a both end.

Becky Brown 19:27

And I have to say, for me, this really plays into my personality too, because if I do things consistent consistently, I'm gonna be way more successful than if I decide, oh, once uh once every six months I'll do that. That's way harder for me to even remember. And yeah, it it just it's really helped me personally and professionally and just relationally with my people, um, which has fed into my business because they give me ideas for content like, oh my goodness, this person asked this question. I can write a post on that. And then that helps thousands more people. And so it's really been an invaluable resource.

Laurie Graham 20:02

Yeah. Well, I love like what you just talked about was momentum in all the rest of your business. So one of the things that shifts when email becomes non-negotiable is we get momentum everywhere. And I already shared earlier, I'm not sure if it was this episode or the last episode, but like that the consistency in email to me is a grounding. It's it's very, it's very important to me. I have a few things in my businesses, both of them, that are consistent. I never miss a beat. My podcast is one, my emails is another. Um, it's really fun as you start growing a team when you can hand some of that off because we can't do everything by ourselves if we're growing, you know, businesses that require that entrepreneurship and we're scaling, of course. But that really, it's very grounding. Um, I want to mention before we we close this episode off, is that there is an edge that we've we're we learn, Becky, you and I talk about it a lot, that we all need to learn if we want to be just moving ahead, is we've got to stop redeciding things and negotiating with ourselves. Yeah. Like we want you to say, hey, we're just gonna do this. That happened with me with a podcast. My daughter, Maggie, who is very essential in my businesses, all of them, she said, Mom, if you start a podcast, we are never missing an episode. Like this is not negotiable. You remember this?

Becky Brown 21:17

I remember it was a big deal for you.

Laurie Graham 21:19

It was a big deal for me, it was a big deal for her, and it propelled my business. Like we don't miss it, we don't miss a beat. It could be shorter, it could be batched, it could be an interview, but excuse me, well, but we do not miss a beat with that. You don't. And what do you think happens when we stop negotiating, when we stop redeciding? Yeah. Can you talk about that impact?

Becky Brown 21:40

I well, yeah. So okay, so I want to s so we just talked about consistency. That's kind of more focused on something we do, right? We show up consistently, but I want to zoom out for a second and talk about the who do you wanna be side of this, the future version of you. Because what you have talked about, um, and and I actually I I'll ask you in just a second to describe a little bit more on what shifted in you and who you are and how you felt when you started, when you committed and followed through on weekly podcasts after when that wasn't a priority of your business before that consistency. So I want you listening to picture six months from now. So you decide today to shift something in your business. You decide to start sending your email every single week and you decide you schedule a batch day and you uh write a bunch of emails at once and they're scheduled out ahead of time. So you're not frantically sitting at your computer the 10 minutes before your email is supposed to go out to get it ready. You don't spiral when a person unsubscribes. You're not scrambling at 9 p.m. the night before, like, oh no, but I need to think of an idea to send them tomorrow. That calm version of you exists. And actually, like, I want you to paint that picture for us, Lori. What happened when in you as a person in how you show up and how you felt about your business and yourself when you committed and followed through on that weekly podcast?

Laurie Graham 23:12

This is so interesting. So when my podcast began, I didn't have an inconsistent podcast before I had a consistent podcast. Right. We were not gonna start it until it was consistent. And I think one of the reasons my daughter made that happen or insisted on it is because so many other things in our business had started and stopped or changed or adapted and all these kind of things. And I was running a successful business. Like I was making multiple six figures a year, not me personally, but my business was. So this is not a baby business. This is like a mid-grown business. This is a good business, a solid business. And it was still a little bit of hit and miss in so many ways. And when Maggie said, This is gonna be every week, this is not gonna change, this is gonna whatever. Um, I will say that over the first six months, over the year, over the two years, like huge changes in me as a person, as a business owner. Um, I feel like a grown-up. You know when people say put your big girl panties on? Yeah. I feel like I have a big girl business now. And I'm saying I had the revenue of a big girl business before.

Becky Brown 24:17

Yeah.

Laurie Graham 24:18

I didn't feel like it. Interesting. People looked at me differently. The the responses I got from people, the emails that were coming in very, very differently. Um, my I feel like my branding position changed. Um, we'll talk about podcasts in a future series because I know a lot of people listening want to start one. And I think they can be a really important piece of your business. But I do believe it was the consistency of the emails, of the podcasts, that not redeciding, that that just saying, hey, we're just gonna do this. You know, come hell or high water. Oops, I just said that on podcast this time. But you know, like no matter what, we're gonna do this thing. And it did, it changed a lot of my identity. I I really much more confidently. I used to say, Oh, this I'm an accidental entrepreneur. I used to say that all the time. I don't know what I'm doing. I just listen, I used to say that on videos. I have no idea what I'm doing. This all happened by accident. This was and I look back now, I go, no, this was not accidental. I have skills, I grew in skills, I'm doing the thing, I'm committed to it. So I do think that consistency.

Becky Brown 25:24

Yeah.

Laurie Graham 25:25

Um, I think it did change me. Yeah.

Becky Brown 25:27

Well, and we talked just this morning about that term um anchoring habits. And this consistency that we're talking about with your email list, it is an anchoring habit. It's not frantic, it's not spaghetti thrown at the wall. This is anchored. And that version of you that's more consistent, it's not about you being more talented. It's not about you being a big girl when you weren't a big girl before. It's just about you having the structure to keep you consistent. And structure is totally learnable. This is a skill that you can start practicing today, that you can set yourself up and know what's coming and create more stability in your business.

Laurie Graham 26:08

And we want you to start with email. Like, hands down, this is where your business becomes rhythmic, feels anchored, and not frantic at all. Um, we have a course coming out soon called Why You Need an Email List and How to Grow One. It literally walks you through, I think it's 15 modules long of like pieces. Like if you haven't done our courses yet, you need to buy them. You need to purchase them. We've made it really affordable, but it's these mini video modules with there's an action guide. There's one page for every module. So you you watch the module, you do the thing. You watch the module, you do the thing. Um, the course it walks through rhythms and growing a list intentionally and writing consistently and giving you the hacks so that you can do this around your life. It's so good. Make sure you are on our email list so you get that course release date. Anytime we release courses, we give a special deal to people on our email list first before they are on the website for the public. So let's go ahead and kind of recap what we're talking about today and where we're going.

Becky Brown 27:10

Yeah, for sure. So today, in today's episode, we named it, right? We talked about our fear of bothering people. We talked about feeling like we didn't have enough to say, we talked about feeling behind and using avoidance as almost an identity protection. And we talked about that future version of you who feels steady and calm, who shows up and is present in your business. So avoidance can feel protective and structure can feel really stabilizing. So we are not trying to make you feel like you're behind. You are not behind. This can meet you wherever you are today, and you are one decision away from steadier momentum in your business, which is why every week we give you a free action guide. So it's a free PDF that you can download from this episode. Today's episode has an action guide called the email avoidance reset. And it's short and actionable. It is clear and simple. So go download it, take five minutes of your time, name your avoidance pattern, and choose one stabilizing move for your next seven days. And that's it. And we would love to have you join us in our soulful strategy community. It's only $9 a month where we are just building alongside of you and helping you troubleshoot and creative solutions of where you are getting stuck with these sticking points that you might not be able to name yet. So come join us there. The link is in the show notes, and we are gonna build a study business together. Thanks for joining us. Go team.