Success - What does that look like? Pt 2 - Meet Jelesa Warren

Scott Murray, of the Scott Murray Scholarship Foundation and Murray Media joins forces with Rhiannon Graham, Miss Capital City and a social work graduate student, who shares her platform of supporting single families, stemming from her upbringing in a single-parent household and Stacie Martin, founder of Single Parent Advocate, highlights their 15-year mission to help families. Jelesa Warren, a single mother and project manager, discusses her journey and the importance of self-awareness, commitment, and community support. The conversation emphasizes the significance of resources, dreaming, and surrounding oneself with positive influences to navigate the complexities of single parenthood.

They recommend single families pursue action items such as: 

• Cultivating a support system and community to help navigate the challenges of single parenthood.
• Committing to being present and engaged with your children, while also acknowledging your own limitations as a single parent.
• Keeping dreams alive and pursuing their goals, and to utilize available resources and scholarships to support their children's education.
• Prioritizing their children, even if they struggle to find balance for themselves.
• Surrounding oneself with positive role models and communities that can help single parents find the resources they need.

Transcript

Scott Murray  0:00  
Hello again, everybody. Welcome to yet another edition of because they matter, and indeed they certainly do. We talk about single parent families and the children from single parent families and try to maybe share some information with each and every one of you as to what will make it a positive, productive just a whole world that's going to be kind, courteous and respectful, and we certainly need to return to those days, don't we? Would you not agree? Totally agree we need to return or just get there in the first place? That's unanimous, as they say, but we are really excited. We have a special guest with us, and a young lady by the name of Jalisa, and she's going to tell us all about her self momentarily, but in the meantime, my regular two sidekicks. They are the the dynamic duo, as they say, a couple of great ladies that have all kinds of information when it comes to this kind of stuff. So I'm going to first of all send it up to Illinois, because she's she's up in grad school now. She is Miss capital city, I might add. And not only a pretty lady, but has a great heart. And I'm talking about Rhiannon, way up there in Illinois. Hello, my friend. How are you? Hi everyone. I'm so excited to be back and continuing our conversation about success today, and I'm really excited for our special guest. This is my first time meeting her also, and I'm really excited to see her perspective on things and learn about her story and give us a little background about you so our audience knows who you are and what you're all about. Yeah. So my name is Rhiannon Graham, and like you mentioned, I'm the current Miss capital city. I'm also in grad school at Southern Illinois University for social work, and I got involved in the Miss America opportunity. And through that, each girl has a platform, a community service initiative that they're passionate about. And I was passionate about helping single families, as I've grown up in a single parent household led by my mother since age four. So that's how I got partnered with single parent advocate and led me to being a part of the because they matter podcast. And when you talk about single parent advocate, Rhiannon, you're talking about this young lady to my left, and I'm talking about Stacie, yes, Stacie Stacy. And I met Stacie a nonprofit a number of years ago, and then she got me to MC her, her golf tournament that she has. So that's it's a way to raise awareness and revenue for what what you all do every single day. And I was most impressed with what she did. So as a matter of fact, this year, this past year, we, we kind of teamed together in my Scott Murray Scholarship Foundation, which just recently gave 11 scholarships away to young people, African Americans, Hispanic, Asian, just people that needed, well, they didn't have any, any really history of anybody in their family ever going to college, and didn't have the wherewithal to be the first so we helped them out. And so it's, it's really exciting to hear what some of these kiddos there. You've met some of them, and so you know what they're like. But this is the woman responsible for all of us being here today, because she's the one that had this vision to put this show together, Stacie Stacy, and the creator of single parent advocate, you got it single parent advocate, so that's been over 15 years ago, but tell us again what, what was the whole concept of putting this together, and why you did that, and what you do day To day. So as founder of a nonprofit I really lead every day from a place of love and enlightenment, whether I'm getting to be on a podcast here or doing the books, it's all coming from a seed of love and of trying to create a better place for families like my own. Fantastic. And then you came up with single parent advocate and this podcast and all the other things, but you also have a special guest that you'd like to introduce us all to. I do well, take it away and tell us who she is and what she does and why she's here. Okay, so for those of you who are just learning about single parent advocate. We're based in North Texas, and we have been helping families for about 15 years, as Scott just mentioned, and what happened along the way is we, in that time, have met families who started out needing help, but really grew into

Stacie Martin  4:06  
giving help. And the lady I'm going to introduce to you today has been on that journey. She's a wonderful, dedicated mom. Her name is Jalisa Warren, and Jalisa, I just want to welcome you to our community podcast, and just ask you, you know, how does it feel? How are you doing? And how can folks get to know you a little bit?

Jelesa Warren  4:35  
Oh, yeah. You know, it's been such an amazing journey with single parent advocate. I think it's coming on a year since I first initially reached out to you, Stacie, and it's just been such a dream getting to know the community and also being able to serve within it, especially with the partnership with Gateway. I didn't know there was that connection, so that worked out perfectly for myself and my family.

Am because we're so connected to that campus. But yeah, I have been supporting single parent advocate for about a year now. I am a single mother myself of two kids. I have a daughter and a son that keep me very busy and active. I'm also a full time working mom. I work as a project manager in the education field. I am a huge advocate for leading a healthy lifestyle so I can keep up with those two kiddos, because they have energy that I wish I could put in my own coffee. So I'm a firm believer in not only eating healthy, but living healthy and yeah, I'm just really excited to be here. Hopefully I answered all your questions. I mean, it's just been a great experience getting to know you and serving within the community. Let me ask you a quick question, although we've continued to talk about, you know, as since the three of us, Rhiannon and Stacie and I have been on the air. But I just, I'm curious when you talk about single parent and just as a single were you? Did you come from a single parent, single parent family? No, I didn't. You did not. Okay, so this is all this is all new to you. Then it is very new, yes, and that's a lot of what I speak to,

even on my so I have a another podcast called The Woman in between, and that's what we speak a lot about, is entering into a season that you might not have had an example for. So I'm very blessed. My parents have been together now for about 35 years, right? So divorce was never really an option, or being a single parent was not something that I foresaw. I like to tell people, you know, I was put in a position to make a decision, and unfortunately, that was the decision that I had to make for myself and for my kids. So it was really important for me to be plugged into communities to see how, you know, others are doing it, what's working well, what's not working well, and building a really great support unit around me. And so that's what I've been doing the past three years, and it's been very beneficial. Right? Being a single parent is very similar to grief. It ebbs and it flows. You have your good days and you have your bad days. So cultivating a support system that could help me navigate that with my right mind, and doing what's always best for my children has been vital, not having necessarily come from that experience. So it's all pretty new for me. So the biggest challenge that you have, what would it be as a single mom,

like the biggest, I feel like there's a list,

you know, honestly, it is kind of maintaining the duality of roles that I have to play.

You know, you hear a lot where single mothers talk about that they don't necessarily get the full experience of motherhood right, because you're having to play the role of father and you're playing the role of mother being that nurturer. And I find myself consistently challenged with, how do I make sure that I show up and be present for my kids, and make sure that I have those moments of pause, right? Instead of being we need to be here. I need you to do this and being the disciplinarian. How do I balance that to also make sure that I'm fully enjoying this experience, right? I didn't necessarily choose this path, but we are here, and so how do we make it the most beneficial? So I'm constantly challenging myself to be present, be engaged, leaning into that nurture, nurturing nature, and reminding myself that you know you are only one person. You're only one person. You can only do so much, which is hard for me, because I want to do everything and I just can't. Yeah, it makes all the sense in the world. Rhiannon questions you might have. What? Yeah, sorry to interrupt you, but I thought that was great. What you said about you're only one person, because we actually had my mom on the show a couple of weeks ago, and she said the exact same thing, that she's only one person. And it's really hard not to be hard on yourself, because aspect, because you are the sole provider for that family. Are everything to your children. So thank you so much for being here and sharing your story, because there are millions of Americans who can resonate with that. Awesome. Yeah, of course.

Stacie Martin  9:33  
So I just want to applaud you. You know, I'm your biggest fan, and so, you know, I, I'm very excited about that. A lot of the things that you talked about and expressed Jalisa, are really in alignment with a lot of the messages that I've been sending to single parents as often as possible. And, you know, we just really were going to be talking about that today, about, you know, what can you.

Latch on to, what are the steps if we had a recipe for being a successful single parent? What? What could that look like? You know, and, and certainly Scott and Rhiannon. And you have some things that you can lead into with, with your experiences. But, you know, one of the things you really, really just expressed was self awareness. To me, being self aware, being present. You know, we talk about the fact that single parent families are not always just from divorce, right? There's decisions that have to be made sometimes, and they're tough ones, and so we compare ourselves, you know, to families that may have two parents in the household and the pressure to be in the carpool line or not to be the last parent there to pick up your child after school. You know, there's so many standards that we stack up against ourselves every single day. And what I like to say, and I'll float this out to all of you guys, is, you know what? Every family is like a snowflake. Every family is like a fingerprint or a grain of sand in God's mighty world, right? And so we are all different, and it's not fair to ourselves to compare. So one of the first things we can do, really, is to identify with the fact that with the first letter of the word success is, you know, successful

people are self aware, and they don't compare, and they acknowledge everything's different, and they really, really dedicate themselves to believing in where they're at is good and can be better and is full of promise. What do you think?

Scott Murray  11:53  
Jump on board. What do you think, folks, ladies,

Jelesa Warren  11:57  
I agree completely with you. I love when you said where you are is good, right? I think that's where it comes into being comfortable in the positions that we're in, right? And each family is very different. I've had to learn just because it's me and my two kids. We're still family. My kids are still learning life lessons. They're still receiving love and removing shame from that and that, in removing the thought process that the only way to have family is with within, you know, a dual family sort of situation, you're able to have that which is one parent and going off that too. A lot of times I've asked my mom, now that I'm older, how did you do it? How did you survive? How did you keep your head above water? And she always just told me, I took it day by day, and we still take it day by day. My mom has actually not remarried since, and is still technically a single parent, even though I am an adult now, and she's still the head of our household, and she still says she takes it day by day, because you never know what's going to come the next day. And every day is a new day. Also, is your mother working? Yes, she works two jobs currently. Okay, so she is busy. She's not just at home. She Yeah, yes. Okay, girl, very impressive. Very impressive. Go givers and go getters. Yeah, for sure, yeah, it's just gonna do any of the wonderful things that I'm able to do without her support. So she's really my rock. That's great. We need more single parent children or adult children, even, you know, to be that way, because people don't, they want to blame everybody. Oh, it's not my fault. Oh, that's, that's my parents, or that's my mother, that's my father, that's, you know, and nobody wants to take accountability for who they are and what they're all about. And you've got to, you've got to have some, you know.

Stacie Martin  13:50  
Okay, I'm going to get this right. We're not going to throw fingers out here and throw blame. We're going to go get it and be positive and productive as best we can. Yeah, I think it's a lot of denial sometimes. One of the things I really just love about what Jalisa and all of you guys have said is, you know, really committing yourself to your children. You know, rhiannon's mother talked about that when she was on the show. We just heard Jalisa talking about being content and really being present in her kids lives. I talk a lot about, you know, commitment, not letting myself feel so bad about myself or this situation that I really don't want to try to replace myself in my kids' lives. You know, at first I was tempted to Okay, somebody needs to fix us, you know. And the truth is, you don't need to be fixed, but it took me some time to arrive at that. You know, you can improve and you can grow and you can learn. And yes, I'm responsible to do that, but I don't need to be ashamed of who I am.

Them and how we are our family structure. And so one of the things about committing to your kids is realizing nobody, not a grandmother, not an aunt, not a grandfather, not anyone, not a teacher, not a coach, can replace you in the lives of your kids, it's that C in the word success, the very first one is commit, commit to your children and be content in that commitment is a huge privilege, right, you know, and just, you know, rock that carpool line and you know, enjoy the sleepovers and you know, all the different activities. Just

take that roller coaster ride with your kids and be present. And so, I don't know, Jalisa, did you ever feel that? You know, maybe there was a season where you're thinking, I'm not good enough?

Jelesa Warren  16:00  
Yeah, I mean, I feel like I'm kind of bobbing and weaving through that season like every month. But you know, when you talk about commitment, it's almost like this surrendering to you know your the lifestyle that you have and your children, and coming to this acceptance of me and these kids, we are enough. There isn't anyone that can save us, you know, outside of God and building that relationship. And I feel like once I got to accepting and surrendering that, the experience that I was having with my children became a lot better, because I was fully focused on just the three of us, and knowing that I have to rely, you know, on Jalisa and so the expectations for everyone around me was able to be level set.

But yeah, I mean, I have those thoughts where I'm like, Man, this isn't what I envisioned for my life, does it impact? You know the value that I can bring and having to remind myself you know that are, those are the lies of the enemy, those are the lies that you know come from the stigma of being a single parent and consistently reminding myself that I'm in a better situation as a single mother than what many would think I would be in if I had a man in the home. So that's kind of what helps me stay afloat. But I actually agree. You know, commitment and surrender is vital. Let me ask you this experience. Yeah, going off that too, I think it's so important too, that I have been blessed with a mother who was committed to me, and you are a mother that is committed to your children. But if there's a single parent out there listening right now that is thinking, Hmm, maybe I haven't only committed to my children, there is still time. There's still time to make that decision, to be that active parent, to turn that life around, of whatever you have going on, to be that active role model for your children.

Scott Murray  18:03  
Julissa, I'm curious, how old are your kids?

Jelesa Warren  18:06  
And in seven, okay, so you've, you've got some young ones, very young ones, and, and I think I don't

Scott Murray  18:15  
want to sound like a psychologist, but they don't realize that maybe they're that much different than anybody else, certainly the seven year old, you know, maybe if there's no father around, they go, okay, gee, we don't have a dad here, but the dynamics of what it means and how it's going to affect them, and how, how their life is going to be just a little different than somebody that has a mom and a dad Monday through Friday, and then they get together on weekends and do whatever they do. It's, it's a little different in your in your family, and the older they get, the more they'll realize that. So what you have to do is not make that a better scenario. It's just a different scenario, exactly. And you need you let your children know that, hey, we don't have a dad here, but that's all right. We're still going to get it done. We're still going to be, you know, the most incredible family on the planet, and we're going to get it done, but we're not going to point fingers, we're not going to blame we're just going to be responsible for who we are and what we're all about, and we're going to make it happen, and the three of us are going to be just a very, very special family. And I think if you get that message across to your children, as young as they are, by the time that they're in junior high or high school, you know, they're they're ready to take on the world in whether they go off to college or whatever they decide to do. You know, Mom's going to be pretty special, because she's the one that brought that unit together as one. And that is your household. And even though there's not a dad there, it's still a family. And can be a very special family. You're the glue exactly. I appreciate that, and you're right. Thinking about it in terms of different experiences. You know, my kids are young, and they were

Jelesa Warren  19:54  
both of them, I think I would say like five and three when we initiated this. So in some.

Ways,

they're becoming a little bit more familiar with it. And my kids are ones of routine, and so they're understanding the routine behind it. But then you can have two different households. So we're now having a lot of the conversations around your you're going to have two different experiences. And what a blessing it is to be able to see different, two different experiences of living life. There's not just one way of living a beautiful life. So you get to see what's happening in our home, and then you get to see what's happening in your father's home when you're there, and you have the opportunity to make a decision and pivoting it really that way. And also, I do have boundaries in our home, as far as how far we going to take the conversation right about Dad and exes, because I want to always ensure those conversations are productive. But you're right. They are very young. They're still impressionable. They notice, right? The differences where, you know, they have their Thursday nights where they're going to their dads, and for their friends, it looks different, but for me, it's also kind of just an introduction of life, like when you walk into a room, not everyone is going to have the same upbringing as you, the same family dynamics as you, and it doesn't equate to their value. So I think they're just getting a dose of life that I would love to shield them from, however, hoping that this will prepare them as they enter into adulthood. Are the relationship between dad and the children? Is it a good one, or between dad and you?

You know, it's always it's, I never really know how to answer the question. I think it is always a work in progress. I think my kids are fortunate that they have their dad and they're working on building that relationship. I think there are areas where both of you know, both parties want improvement, and I have the opportunity to help my daughter navigate that now, where she's old enough right navigating how to use her voice with her father and have those communication strategies. And you know, for he and I, I really look at it as a business relationship, just because, like you have, I have to be focused on my kids, and that's why I tell a lot of moms, if you're if you're still having the conversations around like, why isn't he doing this? Why isn't he paying this? It's taking so much energy away from your kids. Good point, and I decided I didn't want to give that energy. So, you know, it's more, it's business. Good for you. Good for you, absolutely. And you know, one of the things is when we let go of the negative and we set those boundaries I always talk about, you know, again, getting back to success. And what we can do to be successful is you can dream. You can dare to dream, right? You can care to dream. You can dare to dream. And you can build those dreams, just like Jalisa is talking about about what your future wants to be, and your children too. Because the truth of the matter is, if you stop dreaming,

Stacie Martin  23:10  
you teach your kids to stop dreaming, right, right? And so we want to make sure we're keeping those dreams alive, like for me and my my household, it's so funny. You know, my hobbies, dancing, I sing and I dance, right? I had no idea that was the loudest thing my son heard when he was younger, because now he's in musical theater. It's what he does with his whole life now. And so you just, you know

you're the you're the role model, in a roundabout way, because he was watching, even though you were unaware of it, what was going on in your life. Him to, you know, right, do his studies and all of that stuff. But then he watched as I made sure I could sing and dance in whatever affordable way I could, and then later he wanted to do it. And so, you know, you just have to remember you are not doing yourself or your family a service by giving completely up on dreaming and doing things that you love. And then lastly, you know, there are resources to help fuel that you know, lots of resources and being able to speak up and say, Hey, I might need a scholarship for my son. Like, like, what you do with the Scott Murray scholarship foundation? You know, I need help paying for camp or different things that would help. And I know in rhiannon's life, you have talked extensively about how you and your mom really use your resources, and so, you know, just making sure that you're looking for resources and using your brain, you know we don't want to be so crushed in our lives that we don't use our brain, like Jalisa said earlier, and jump on board and talk about what, what you.

Rhiannon Graham  25:00  
Know, Stacie just referred to Rhiannon in, you know, so that the audience can hear, yeah, for example, when preparing myself four or five years ago now to go to college, I was the first to go to college in my family, so it was totally a whole different journey for my mom and I to figure that out. We knew that I couldn't go to a state college right away. We knew that wasn't in the funds, that wasn't a possibility, and I was blessed to get a full two year ride to my community college first and then transfer out. So it's just knowing about resources like that and resources like FAFSA that I help students fill out, that they can envision, envision their futures, and to not stop dreaming. Because I never dreamed in a million years that I would be able to grad school and let alone be debt free. So you never know what plans that God has in store for you, if you just believe in that and find out those resources. Yeah. Great point. Great point. Have you discussed or even thought about things like that? You know, during the

Scott Murray  25:55  
during the course of raising a seven year old, in a in a 10 year old,

Jelesa Warren  26:01  
oh, the college Yes. And, you know, it's funny, my daughter, she, you know, when Stacie, you're talking about how your kids are watching, she has just picked up so much from me, and I didn't realize she was like, I want to go to A and M, just like, you do. You did. I'm like, okay, that's expensive, so let's start preparing. Well, that's, you know, that's kind of what Rhiannon was, was just saying, you know. And how in you now, even at their young age, could kind of plant that seed, you know, this is what you're looking for. Where do you want to go, and what do you want to do, and where we where would you like to be to make that happen? I mean, they're not going to know a and m from, you know, from, you know, some small Junior College someplace, but, you know, eventually they will, and like Rihanna just shared it, look at now she's in grad school. For Pete's sake, that was never a part of her plan.

Scott Murray  26:50  
You know, that's, that's good stuff, and you're the one that's going to really plant that seed and nurture that seed as they continue to grow and get to junior high and get to high school, and then, hey, it's time for college. Where am I going? How am I going to get there? How am I going to pay for my mom always told me, she was like, you're going to be the first one to do it. I couldn't do it. You're going to be the first one to do it. You know, that's amazing. I love that. Well, you know, I think the main thing is, you know, if there's a parent, a mom or a dad or an aunt out there listening to all of this, you know, in the in the messy middle, I think the main thing we're all trying to say is, you know,

Stacie Martin  27:29  
surround yourself with people who can help you find the resources. Be intentional about being involved with your kids. Jalisa spoke to spiritual, you know, finding a spiritual community, you know, being physically fit, keeping your mind clean and fresh, and not giving up on dreaming. And when we do that, it can be a big leap out of the starting block. So you're in the middle of being pounded by a situation. But it's worth it. It's like the saying goes, do the next thing right or the right thing next Absolutely. Raise your hand and say, you know, I'm I'm wanting to fight for my children. A lot of people don't think about fighting for themselves. They think about fighting for their children. So if you don't have it within you to fight for yourself, mom or dad, you know, fight for the kids, and in so doing, I gotta cut you short there, so I can get Rhiannon in here closing. Thought we've got about one minute left. Go for it. I think you're a product of your environment. If you're constantly surrounding yourself with people that you want to be like and people that you want your children to look up to as role models, that that is what their future will look like. And I think that's so important to find those resources and communities to be a part of good advice. And our special guest, have you enjoyed this?

Jelesa Warren  28:54  
Yeah, the only thing I'd add on is, you know, definitely utilize your resources, and there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable and saying that you need help so you can have access to those resources. There are people that want to help you. There are people that want to support you. So there's my two cents. Well, your two cents is worth a buck 50. How about that? And then some worth hundreds and 1000s. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being here with us, and thanks for what you're continuing to do for your two young children, it's great. You're setting a great example for a lot of other people out there that don't have the wherewithal that you do. And I'm talking about not necessarily your bank account, but what you've got upstairs in your head. So good for you continued success. Thank you. Appreciate it, all right. And of course, for Rhiannon and Stacie, I'm Scott till next time on because they matter, stay safe, be well, and remember, live your life as a go getter, but share your life as a go giver.