The Power Move No One Talks About

Welcome back to Proof It's Possible! In this conversation, Jamie and Dayle explore the concept of victimhood, emphasizing the importance of personal responsibility and mindset. They discuss how individuals often fall into a victim mentality, which can hinder their ability to take control of their lives and make positive changes. The discussion highlights the power of choice, the significance of perspective, and the necessity of confronting personal challenges. They also touch on financial decisions and the importance of gratitude in overcoming adversity, ultimately encouraging listeners to shift from a victim mindset to one of empowerment and problem-solving. Tune in to discover:

• How a victim mindset can leave you feeling powerless
• Why there are two options, choosing or changing something, and when to pick each one
• What to do if your circumstances mean you can't change something
• How gratitude and a positive mindset can uplift you

What are some ways you've shifted your mindset to overcome victim mentality? Share your thoughts with us — we’d love to hear! DM us on Instagram @dayle_sheehan_designs & @jamiedfrancis! See you next time!

This episode is sponsored by our Ultimate Girls Trip! Be sure to go to www.proofitspossible.com for more info.

For More Information:
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Dayle:
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Jamie:
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• Website

Transcript

Jamie (00:31)
Hey guys, welcome back to Proof It's Possible. We are excited to talk about victimhood today. What an exciting topic. But it just needs to be in our orbit right now. There's a lot of, I feel like there's a lot of people that are just settling into victimhood and then they're surprised that they're powerless. So.

Dayle (00:39)
Yay, what an exciting topic. my gosh. I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jamie (00:58)
In, in Al-Anon, like victimhood is one of the like principles of anti-victimhood, I guess, is one of the principles of Al-Anon. And we talk about how if you are in that victim mentality, you cannot, like you are powerless. You're giving away your power. You're saying I am just simply the victim of something else. My circumstances, somebody else's behavior, somebody else, my job, my relationships, whatever, whatever you are powerless to.

But when you're powerless, that means that you can't come out of it. You don't have any other solutions. You can't take your power back and be like, no, I'm going to rewrite this story. So victimhood for me has popped up in a bunch of different ways this week. But things that are kind of keep popping up is a lot about the economy because the cost of living is just like so astronomical. And I get that. I feel that groceries are just so wild. But then it's like

Dayle (01:44)
Yes.

Jamie (01:52)
coming from people that, you know, they might, you know, not have a job. And then they're complaining about the price of cost of living. And it's like, but you've chosen, you you've chosen not to have a job or you've chosen a lower paying job or you, you know, chosen to only work part-time because that better suits your life. And I think that there's, you know, you have to own your decisions in that you've chosen to be the victim hood of the high cost of living.

if you're not choosing to make more money to counteract that. What are your thoughts on

Dayle (02:25)
Well, so for me, in a lot of ways, like this is what my book is about, is just the choice we get to make every single day to either be the victim or to be the problem solver of our own life.

Jamie (02:37)
My book is quite a bit about this as well. Yeah.

Dayle (02:39)
Well, it is. I was just going to say that I'm like, actually

yours is too, because the thing about this is victimhood is the number one thing in my mind that can ruin your life, ruin your business, ruin your day, ruin your thoughts, ruin your mindset, you know, give you help, increase your mental health challenges. if you, the minute you've painted yourself as the victim, you're in trouble. And for me, within my book, I talk about all the ways that like as a

person who was all of sudden overnight in a wheelchair, 16 years old, I could have chosen, and I did choose for a minute to be the victim of it because I was like, well, this is impossible. I can't get past it. There's no way. There's no out for me. I can't undo this disease. can't, there's no cure. doctors don't, can't help me. I've tried everything, all things. And I was left with these circumstances, whether they're fair,

whether they're not fair, whether I can change them. And people would argue, well, you are the victim of that in that you can't change it. There's literally nothing you can do. But I could change how I thought about it. And that is the key. That's the...

Jamie (03:45)
And sometimes

that's the only thing you can change is your perspective.

Dayle (03:50)
Of course,

100%. And so my job in order to choose the life I wanted and the person I wanted to be was to change my mindset, see the good in the things that were good, because it was still good in my life. Like that's the thing. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it has challenges every day. Yes, it's hard to, know, and like mine is something my particular issue is something that

you think you've got your mindset all straightened out and you're like ready to go and then you lose, I lose like another ability because it's an degenerative disease. So where I'm at doesn't mean that I get to stay there. I don't, it, gets worse as I age. So I have to face the mindset challenge over and over and over again. Every time I like couldn't get, now I can't get in the car by myself. So it's like, okay. Well now I'm not just driving away from the house whenever I feel like it, but

Jamie (04:22)
Mm-hmm.

Dayle (04:42)
What I am grateful for is I can still drive. I get to still get helped into the car and then I can drive away and do that independently. And that makes me feel very happy because that's freedom. And the thing is...

Jamie (04:45)
Mm-hmm.

And you know what

I find so fascinating is that when people meet you that haven't met you before and they come up to me, they're like, my God, she's just such a fascinating person. She's just so happy. She lights up a room. She's so positive. She's so this and she's so that. And oftentimes, well, I mean, it comes from all walks of life. People will say that to me. But oftentimes it comes from very negative people. Like people will be like, wow, she's so positive. Cause I think they can put themselves in your situation or you know.

put themselves in your shoes and they're like, I wouldn't be that positive. So it's really amazing to me, to them that they, they, that you've come out on the other side of all of this, like so positive. And isn't that like just a testament to how your mind is fully in control, is fully in control of everything that you think and feel. So like, if you wake up every day with a grateful heart, well, guess what? You're going to have a grateful heart. You're going to, know, like if you,

Dayle (05:20)
Yeah.

fully in control of everything. Yes.

Jamie (05:48)
wake up every day and are like, today's gonna be a great day, most likely you're gonna have a great day. yes, circumstances totally suck. People pass away, diseases happen, you lose a job, all these very, very terrible things happen to really good people. But sometimes the only thing we can change is the way that we see it.

Dayle (05:52)
Exactly.

Mm-hmm.

Of course. And the thing about it is, like my hardship is visible. So other people can say like, I went through this thing, but we didn't feel it and we can't imagine it because we didn't live it. And you know, so it's harder to put our finger on. Whereas mine, you get to see it. So it feels like people are like, God, she can't get in the car. She can't stand up. She can't do the thing. And so everyone has, I feel like that's one of the like,

advantages to me when I speak is that people are like, yeah, I wouldn't really want that. You know, when I like, I don't take offense to somebody like not wanting my circumstances being like, yeah, that wouldn't be great. Because in an ideal world, I wouldn't either. I wouldn't pick it, you know, so but it's the ultimate challenge of my life to wake up and say, today can still be a good day. I can still make a great impact and income and have a happy life and laugh today and

Jamie (06:48)
Mm-hmm.

Dayle (07:07)
you know, have love in my life and do the things that I care about and get to see the world. And, and it might be seeing a different part of the world because there are parts of the world that it's not ideal for me or that I would love to see that I never will, but that's okay. I'm going to pick somewhere else. I'm going to do something different. And I think what's interesting is that when somebody take away, take away like an extreme like mine, but the victim hood that I think really is dangerous.

Jamie (07:17)
video.

Dayle (07:34)
is when we've painted ourselves as such a victim that it's not even about things that are like out of our control. It's not the death of a loved one. It's not a disease. It's when we were in choice, we made a choice. Like, so let's say we made a choice to take a specific job, but then we're mad when that job doesn't pay as much as a different job or when we made a choice to go to

eat poorly and not work out. And then we've gained a bunch of weight and now we've decided that we're the victim of our genetics or our, you know, weight or yeah, society's judgment on exactly whatever your story is, but taking yourself. And this is where I think the real life ruining element comes in. When you do have choices and you don't make the choice.

Jamie (08:13)
society's, you know, standard of beauty or whatever, whatever your story you're telling yourself. Yep.

Dayle (08:31)
in the direction that you know is what you want and then you still victimize yourself. You still victimize yourself.

Jamie (08:34)
Mm-hmm.

So this

saying is very powerful and like I always come back to it, whatever you're not changing, you're choosing. So if you don't like your job, if you're not changing it, you're choosing it. You are choosing to stay in that job. So then you have to find contentment in staying. You have to find acceptance in staying. You have to acknowledge that now you are in choice. You have chosen to stay there. So you're no longer the victim of.

Dayle (08:50)
Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

And if you still feel like the victim and then you do the wrestling in your mind about why all the reasons you need to stay. So let's say you're like, okay, I have to stay because I don't have skills in something else. I need my pension. I don't have a backup plan. Whatever. I don't save enough money yet to leave. Whatever they are, acknowledge that those are your reasons for staying. That they are

your reasons that you believe are valid and it is still a choice. It's still a choice. It's still your final decision and you a part of you. It works for you because you are not willing to change it. So whatever those fears are about making whatever the changes going to the gym, if you wish you were more fit or you know, changing what your grocery order looks like to get healthier food in the house and start eating different things and

Jamie (09:34)
And you've chosen...

Dayle (09:59)
more healthy things. What is it that makes you feel so comfortable that it is worth feeling stuck and victimized and all of that by whatever it is. And so that's the part of it that I think that these are tough conversations to have with ourselves. It is very, very hard when I'm feeling like down in the dumps about something that's out of my control and I spiral.

Jamie (10:17)
for sure. And I-

Dayle (10:25)
They're the very, very hard conversations where I'm like, why am I resisting this? What is it in me that I'm clinging to that feels better than making the change?

Jamie (10:37)
And here's

a business example, because I think a lot of people are going to be like, I don't do that because people don't want to believe this about themselves. But I'm here to tell you, everybody does it. It's just acknowledging it and making a change. So I had to confront this exact same thing not too long ago. And it was about feeling burnt out in my business, feeling like I was wearing too many hats, that I was responsible for too many things. And I was

Dayle (10:43)
Mm-hmm. Yes, we don't. Of course.

Jamie (11:04)
Like always feeling like I was behind, always feeling like I'm being pulled in a million different directions and this is so unfair to me and it's so hard for me and I'm the victim in all of this and this is sad for me. You I was having my little pity party and that felt good and bad all the exact same time. And then Ray, my husband was like, okay, but for a year you've been saying you're gonna hire somebody. So like.

The fact that you haven't hired somebody to take on any of these tasks from you, you're in choice. You've chosen this. You've chosen to keep all of this stuff on your plate. You're hoarding. You're hoarding all of these tasks within the business. And then you're mad that you have all of these tasks within the business. And I was like, you're right. Like I knew it. I already knew all this stuff. didn't, there was nothing earth shattering. I couldn't even deny it. The facts are is that I'm...

Dayle (11:41)
Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Jamie (11:54)
I wanted this stuff off my plate. I wanted it to magically disappear, but I wasn't doing anything to make that change happen because I felt, this is the reason, people always have a hundred reasons on why they didn't do the thing, whatever the thing is. And for me, was like, well, I'm already short on time. How am I going to find time to train this person? What am I going to, you know, like it's easier to just do it myself than to try to teach somebody else to do it. No one can do it as good as I.

Dayle (12:02)
Exactly. Yeah. What was the like? Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Jamie (12:22)
Like that lie is so messed up. The first week, the first week already, the person was already doing it better. Like it's such a lie that you tell yourself. And the relief I felt even in the training phase of things, just to have any sliver of help, like even if it wasn't done a hundred percent perfectly to have it 90 % correct. And me just have to come in to change the last 10 % felt a lot better than having to do the a hundred percent myself. Like

Dayle (12:27)
Exactly.

Yep.

Well, exactly.

And I remember you being like, you know, she got five done today or something like five tickets or whatever they were doing. And I was like, is that a lot or is that a little like, I don't know what the timeline on that would be, but it didn't sound like tons because she was just training. So it's great that, but you were just happy that one was off your plate. Two was off your plate. Five was off your plate.

Jamie (12:59)
Yeah.

Yeah.

100%. And then you once

you're out of it and you've made a choice to do things differently, you I mean, I do I look back and I'm like, what took me so long? You know?

Dayle (13:16)
Yes.

What was I thinking? Oh, oh,

yes, I use the bookkeeper example a lot because I my bookkeeping gave me and you because I forced you to do my bookkeeping for me for like millions of years. It put a massive stress on me and you for so many years that it was. It felt like chaos. felt like.

Jamie (13:31)
Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Dayle (13:48)
misery, it felt all the bad things. And I'm like, why? And like my hold back was that it wasn't even that I knew that it would be expensive to have a bookkeeper. It's that I feared that it might be expensive. So I wasn't even willing to have the like ask the question and get like a quote to just find out the real truth. like, truly is power.

Jamie (14:09)
And I think that more

people can relate with that. More business owners can be like, I can't afford to outsource bookkeeping or shipping or receiving whatever it is that you're still doing within your business, whatever hat you're wearing that you don't want to wear anymore. You've convinced yourself without finding out the facts that it costs too much money. And I think that finances is the biggest hold back in a lot of businesses, but a lot of personal life decisions as well. You keep the job because of finances.

Dayle (14:15)
Yep.

Mm-hmm.

⁓ first.

Well, and like, yes.

Jamie (14:36)
You keep the relationship because you can't afford two houses. You keep the whatever that looks like, but money is almost always the center, the center.

Dayle (14:39)
Mm-hmm.

Oh,

absolutely. Well, and like, had somebody told me that between two and $500 a month, because my business at the time was simple. It was one business, it was one currency, it was, you know, it was like a few clients a month because it was interior design only. So it was very like, and there was months where not a lot went on bookkeeping wise, because I would be in the middle of a build, and there'd be nothing from

Jamie (14:56)
Yeah.

And it's the same

client. Yeah.

Dayle (15:12)
It's the same clients. So it's

not like there was even a hundred transactions. Like so and I'm like, if somebody had come to me and been like, listen for $200 this stress off your plane, I would have been like done, done. But I thought I had made up in my mind that it was going to be like 2000, 4000. You know, I just didn't know. I didn't know. And I wasn't even willing to dip my toe enough to ask the questions. And it's like,

Jamie (15:16)
Yeah.

Thank you.

Dayle (15:39)
Just ask somebody the question. And even in my website business now, a lot of people come to me and they're like, I tried on my own. Basically my website's dog shit. I'm totally embarrassed. I hate it. People are saying it doesn't work. I've embarrassed myself for six months. I'd worked on it a year before that. And then they find out that like for a reasonable amount of money for a business, you know, it's not a $10,000 investment.

It's not even a $5,000 investment usually unless your website like needs to do a lot of big stuff. It is a few thousand dollars or less and they're into a professional website. They're like, why didn't I do this before? I'm like, I don't know. And it's the exact same reason. It's because you didn't, they were afraid to ask. They didn't want to engage with somebody to find out, oh God, you know, I don't have 10 grand to make my website and I can't even look at half of that. So.

Jamie (16:33)
Okay.

Dayle (16:38)
what am I doing thinking that I can hire somebody and be on the hook for that kind of money? And it's like, just ask the questions. Just don't even say you're gonna do the thing. Just get the facts and then move on from there.

Jamie (16:51)
But here's the thing, there's gonna be people listening here today. There's gonna be people listening that are like, but the facts are that my business isn't yet making any money. So I literally don't have five cents to put towards a website. I don't have five cents to put towards bookkeeper. I don't have five cents to put towards any of these things. My circumstances are fully stuck until I start making some money. And this is the thing, goes back to what you said at the beginning.

Dayle (17:01)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Jamie (17:19)
There's some times when your circumstances can't be changed. You in a wheelchair, that's never going to change. But what can change is the way you look at it. So if you've just started a business, rather than dwell on how terrible it is and how hard it is and the economy sucks and the government sucks and all the reasons why our economy is struggling or your business is not great or whatever that looks like.

try to reframe it and say like, if you're a restaurant, let's say, well, how lucky am I that I get to create meals and do what I love? How lucky am I that I get this opportunity to try something new? How lucky am I that I am learning all of these new tasks, even if I fucking hate them? You know, even if it's like, but just change your perspective for that moment in time. Write down like, how lucky am I that I or.

Dayle (18:05)
Exactly.

Jamie (18:11)
I'm grateful for today. I'm grateful that I have a husband or a partner or a, you know, whatever that makes enough money that I have. I get to dabble in this passion project of mine until it gets to be a revenue generator. How lucky am I that I have a roof over my head and food on the table? How lucky am I that I have, you know, kids that are super excited to help me grow my business, whatever that looks like for you. If the circumstances can change and change them.

Dayle (18:23)
dabble in this at all. Yeah.

Well, and the other thing I will say is sometimes you have to invest in yourself. Cause what I also see a lot is the same people that are like, I don't have the money to do it. I can't, you know, whatever. They also stop for coffee every day, which I'm not demonizing at all. think if you love a coffee, have the coffee. but if finances is your hat to hang all your excuses on, there's a lot of places that you can shave money off.

to get yourself in a position where you are starting the business, getting the capital you need, know, watching what you spend on different things when times are tough financially, if finances are the number one thing. Like even things like I'll go every now and then and I'll be like, what streaming services am I paying for right now? And I'll just do a quick audit of like my credit card and be like, I haven't watched a show on there in two months. Why don't, why am I paying $20 a month? Why am I doing this?

And $20 a month and $20 a month, my credit card statement is a very good indicator of how fast everything can add up because you've got a lot of 20s and 40s and 100s and 200s that lead to thousands and thousands and thousands. So it's amazing how watching the little stuff sometimes, if you have a goal in mind, can change everything because it's like, well, that money all adds up and then...

If the excuse of the thousand dollars for the website for the business to sell your thing was all that was holding you back, then do it. another, I feel like another one is time and that's all for another episode, but we all have excuses and we can all victimize ourselves in some way. And the goal is to stop yourself the minute you hear a victim statement run through your brain.

Jamie (20:16)
Yeah.

Dayle (20:28)
If there are victim statements going through your head, stop them, write them down, get to the bottom of them, see what you're actually afraid of because it is not about the actual thing you're victimizing yourself about. There is a mountain of stuff underneath, whether it's your money stories, whether it's how you feel about yourself, your worthiness to make that kind of money or to take the leap.

Jamie (20:47)
Mm-hmm. And I

had a really brilliant coach, Heather Alexander, actually say to me when I was having like a moment of swirling victimhood in my personal life, and she just kept asking me why. She just was like, but why? Why can't you? Why can't you do this? Why can't you? Why are you doing that? Why do you decide to do that? And I was like, ugh. Like in the moment, it's really hard. It's hard to face.

Dayle (21:01)
Hmm.

Right?

it's

annoying. Yeah.

Jamie (21:11)
the reasons why. And

it's hard to vocalize like, because I love victim one because I want to be the victim. Okay. Yeah. And I want to feel sad. And I want everyone to know how mad or sad or angry or upset I am. Like, but you have to own it. If you, if someone asks you the question, why, then you have to give an answer. And so you be that person for yourself. If you're like, I hate my job. Well, then ask yourself why, why don't you get a different one?

Dayle (21:16)
Yeah. I want to be pissed right now.

Why do you stay?

Jamie (21:38)
Why don't you get a higher paying job? Whatever your thing is, or whatever it is, but ask yourself why until you can't ask anymore until you get to the bottom of it and then you can actually start to unpack and heal whatever it is that's holding you in that victimhood stronghold.

Dayle (21:56)
Well, and using the job, I hate my job as an example. Let's say you land on, I can't afford to quit my job right now, which like fair enough, everyone has bills and things in life that they have to pay and they need the money for, because if we didn't, we probably wouldn't work. We'd go to a beach somewhere and lounge out. But.

Jamie (22:05)
Yeah.

Of

Dayle (22:14)
This is the thing, once you've dug into your why, now be a problem solver. That's the final step in my opinion is to problem solve. And like, let's say part of why you hate your job when in your digging of your why is that you don't make enough money at that job to have the vacations that you want or save for your retirement or whatever it is or start the business that you actually want to want to start because it needs more capital than what you have at the time. Why not then turn that next

journal page into the, how can I help some of these side problems? So let's say finance, like the reason you're staying at your job is financial and what you actually want to do is start a business. Is there a way to start that business on the side? Is there a way to, you know, get into it for less money than having a full storefront? You could just start selling the goods or service from home on a website. Like we are literally in a diamond rush or like a gold rush right now.

Jamie (22:46)
⁓ yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Dayle (23:10)
of online business. You can be in business immediately, almost immediately. The startup cost, you don't need, yeah.

Jamie (23:16)
for such a low startup cost because there isn't a brick and mortar,

you know, there isn't this requirement that you're a brick and mortar place. If you do taxes back 20 years ago, you had to have a H &R block stand in the mall. Now you just need a website.

Dayle (23:23)
Yeah, that you're in the mall. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

exactly. You honestly, you need a website and you're, you're ready to go. You honestly could do it from your phone and just like cold call people. If you're in that business and be like, are you looking for something? You know, and you can use your social media. Exactly. So that's the, to me it's stop the, stop the thought, dig into the thought and then

Jamie (23:46)
You could literally slide into people's DMs on Instagram. Yeah.

Dayle (23:57)
be a problem solver about all the reasons you've written down as why your why's your yeah, buts that you're leaning on and depending on, but. ⁓

Jamie (24:06)
And if you don't want to solve the problem, then

you need to learn acceptance. You need to learn that you've accepted this and that you no longer get to be the victim of it because you've chosen it.

Dayle (24:10)
Yes.

Exactly. Okay. Have a great day. Thank you guys so much for listening. See you next week.

Jamie (24:22)
K, bye guys.

Until next time.