Dating Differently Podcast
Dating Differently Podcast
Episode-02 | A Matchmaking Interview - Dating Differently
Ever wondered how the perfect match is made? Join us with Anna Beavon, a pro in the matchmaking sphere, as we uncover the secrets behind crafting successful relationships. This enlightening conversation leads us through the fascinating nuances of emotional intelligence, the role it plays in understanding oneself and connecting with others, and how it all ties into matchmaking. Discover how Anna's personal experiences have shaped her perspective and helped her excel in the business of love.
Switching gears, let's explore how political affiliations can make or break relationships. The world of politics isn't restricted to just the governmental realm, it spills over into our personal lives too. Our discussion takes a deep dive into the importance of understanding each other's political beliefs and how they shape our world views. Anna shares her own preferences and how she navigates the politically charged dating scene.
Wrapping up, we tackle the gravity of alignment on life's key issues - money, religion, and children. We share a candid conversation on the dynamics of financial decisions, the internet's impact on relationships, and the need for open conversations about these crucial areas. Remember, it's not just about finding a partner, it's about understanding your worth and what you bring into a relationship. Tune in and walk away with a richer understanding of emotional intelligence, politics in dating, and the significance of alignment in relationships.
My name is Valdin and I'm here today with Anna Bevin and we're going to go through a profile interview. The purpose of the conversation is to learn more about Anna Bevin and to assess what it is you're looking for, and then we'll talk around that a little bit.
Speaker 2:I also think me being someone that is a single and wants to find my person and the purpose of our podcast about good company Mm-hmm. This conversation serves as an example of what is it like to talk to a matchmaker. Where do we want to go with matchmaking? Break down some of the mystery provides some clarity for people to realize. Much like lawyers don't like when you watch law shows because that's not real. I'm sure matchmakers feel the exact same way about matchmaking Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And, strangely enough, matchmaking is not on most people's radar, like they've never really thought about it. And the ones who who've heard about it, they have seen a television show that.
Speaker 2:That's how they heard about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, and although there's a slight bit of reality to that is television, so it has been embellished to be more entertaining, right, and they have a tendency to stretch the truth around a lot of the things that happen in the matchmaking community. With that being said, are you single, anna Bevin?
Speaker 2:I am.
Speaker 1:And are you interested in marriage?
Speaker 2:I am. One would say I'd like to be married. Have you been married before? I have not been married before.
Speaker 1:Do you have any children?
Speaker 2:I do not have children.
Speaker 1:Would you like children? I would, and how many kids would you like?
Speaker 2:Hmm, I always thought three, just because my favorite aunt has three kids, and so I always wanted to model my life after hers, because she was just so perfect.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I'll tell you what. Let's start with who you are. Would you characterize yourself as an emotionally intelligent person?
Speaker 2:Yes, okay.
Speaker 1:So tell me what that means to you. What does it mean to be emotionally intelligent?
Speaker 2:I think that means to be able to read a room, understand social cues and, on personal, one-on-one levels, be able to connect with people, with where they are in a circumstance, sort of a million-esque you can mold and morph yourself to be what someone else needs you to be. I think it's also asking when you're in a conflict or like a work situation is obviously what comes to my mind first. But when you're in that situation, be able to think through what are some other perspectives, what are some outside factors that may be influencing this. Not jumping to this is a thing that went wrong and I've been wronged, but what are some potential perspectives that are influencing a situation? Okay, it's a really long answer to your question about emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1:No, actually I asked that question because people have different flavors of what like. Very few people go read a definition of what emotionally and emotional intelligence is. And even if they did, they probably find 10 different answers. Sure, if you ask 10 different people to go look. The only piece I'd like to add to that emotional intelligence is also your ability to know yourself. Oh, self-awareness.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Self-awareness absolutely.
Speaker 1:Sure, and the reason that is very important because in the context of relationships, you'll constantly be triggered by things people, situations and so forth. Right and if you don't understand why you feel some of the things that you feel you don't know how to address your feelings.
Speaker 1:Sure yeah, and this is very crucial in a man-woman dynamic, right? Because even today I've been in a marriage relationship for 12 years. But even today I get triggered. But I know enough about myself, I have the intelligence about my emotions to know or to say she didn't do anything wrong. You feel this way because of something you, something's going on with you. Yeah, and let me give you a great example. I know we're talking about you, but let me give you a great example.
Speaker 2:No, please interject yeah.
Speaker 1:A great example is my wife might come to my office and ask me a question about something, some random thing, and I'm my brain space is over here concentrating on a something, yeah, right. So if she comes in the room and she asks me a question, or maybe she just sits down and she's chewing too loud, or something like that, right. Or the case may be, I might get triggered but she doesn't know where my brain space is only I know where my brain space is.
Speaker 1:So I have to have the wherewithal to understand that she didn't do anything wrong, so I don't snap at her and maybe I can turn around and say to her hey, can you give me the space because I need to focus whatever. But to the point, along with your definition of emotional intelligence, the only thing I wanted to add to that is self-awareness is a very big part of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so when we have these interviews, I can use a flow of understanding. I first want to know about you. I want to know as much as I can about you. I want to understand how much you know about you.
Speaker 2:I'm constantly growing and evolving, so hopefully I know a million acceptable amount, a majority amount. I don't.
Speaker 1:So it's a relative thing.
Speaker 1:Again this is exploration conversation, right, and I'm just gotten you down the path. I want to know about you, I want to know how much you know about you. Then we want to know about what you're looking for, or who you're looking for, and then we're going to talk a little bit about what you think that person is looking for, because these are all parts of the formula to help me go find the person that's right for you. All right. So, with that being said, I asked the question do you feel like you are an emotionally intelligent?
Speaker 2:person.
Speaker 1:And your answer was yes. And then we gave a definition for emotional intelligence. Question for you how did you become emotionally intelligent?
Speaker 2:That's a good question. I think my parents helped a lot. They were good parents, like they instructed, they disciplined, they did the thing that parents were supposed to do. I also have done a lot of supervisor training for work and I think that's really helped broaden the language that I use in talking about perception being reality and coming to the table with my thoughts, but also being willing to listen to other people's perspective, because it's not just going to be mine and it's not just going to be theirs, it's going to be somewhere in between. But perception is really important when having any sort of conversation, whether it's with people who report to you, people that you report to friends, dynamic with family members. I think life has taught that and sometimes it was nice and sometimes it was the hard way.
Speaker 1:Have you learned anything through again specifically about emotional intelligence? Have you read any books or done any assessments that might contribute to your emotional intelligence?
Speaker 2:About it because we're both in Enneagram 3. I like that one the most. I've done Strength Finders, myers-briggs the long time ago. I don't really remember that much about that one. I think what I like about the Enneagram over the others is that it talks about your triangle, so where you are healthy and where you are unhealthy, and that has really shed a lot of light on the way I react and why I react that way. It helps put again additional language around feelings. That's the goal?
Speaker 1:Great answer Language around feelings. Because I can tell you that's where a lot of people have frustration, because they don't have the language to communicate to the woman how they feel or they think. She doesn't have the language to communicate to the man how she thinks and how she feels. That's very important. The tricky part is, if you were to ask most people if they have emotional intelligence, the majority would say yes, even when they don't. This is the reason why I dig deeper to say where did your emotional intelligence come from?
Speaker 1:For people who haven't read books and people who haven't been in long-term meaningful relationships before and people who haven't done assessments, you've got to give me something to help me understand where that intelligence comes from. Otherwise, if you tell me you're emotionally intelligent, you've got nothing to qualify that. I know not to believe it. I don't say that from a negative standpoint, but, again, I'm trying to get to know them, so I have to understand what I'm working with before we can move forward.
Speaker 2:That's a great answer, thanks.
Speaker 1:You're emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Again, this is spectrum. We learn and we grow. You don't learn everything about yourself ever. Only Facebook knows everything about us Tell me more about you. What kind of work do?
Speaker 2:you do. I run a political research nonprofit and I am an entrepreneur. I find that those two are very identity confusion a lot of times in trying to figure out how do I describe myself. Thank you, title or area describes me the most Right. I haven't really landed on an actual answer yet. So I to do a lot of things. I like to start stuff. I like to fix broken things not people, though. I like to find new solutions to problems. This is where this podcast is coming into play. Yeah, I like being creative and I like being constantly challenged. I like thinking. I like my days being different. I like being valued for that contribution. I feel like that part has to be said. The value of the contribution, whether it's on the entrepreneurial side or the political research nonprofit, All of it contributes to a larger vision of something.
Speaker 1:Do you know what that larger vision is?
Speaker 2:No, I don't. I knew as soon as I said that you were going to go in on it, okay so let's talk about religion.
Speaker 1:Where are you with religion?
Speaker 2:I am a religious person.
Speaker 1:What does that mean?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good one. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, and so I am involved in a Bible study at church. I co-lead a Bible study and love that. I am a member of a church downtown and love that Denomination. I've really been across the board. I grew up Baptist, went to a Methodist church for a little while, my parents went to a Presbyterian church. I'm a member of an Anglican church, like literally all over the spectrum, but the thing that's consistent is that they preach the word and it's about the gospel. So you consider yourself a Christian.
Speaker 2:I do.
Speaker 1:Okay, and how important is it that your person be a Christian?
Speaker 2:Very important.
Speaker 1:Okay, we'll come back to that. Yeah, so let's talk about politics, because politics is a very important part of dating and finding a person. I remember 20, 30 years ago, when Jimmy Carter was actually 50 years ago, when Jimmy Carter was president and Ronald Reagan. In that era, couples could have opposing political affiliations because it didn't define who you were, or at least people didn't consider it as something that defines who you are Today. That's different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because your political affiliation to most people defines who you are, and I don't know that I necessarily agree that it defines who you are, but that's the way people perceive it.
Speaker 2:It's certainly a very strong data point in your worldview.
Speaker 1:So, with that being said, today's climate is a little bit different and, from my perspective as a matchmaker, I have to consider that because we've got a spectrum. Also, just like religion, there's a spectrum in this whole political thing. There are people who are political on the left side, but they're not that strong about it, like they're not going to argue with you about a point.
Speaker 1:They'll just I'm okay, and let's keep on going, and the same thing with people on the right side all the way over to the other side of the spectrum. I believe everything that's going on the left, and you better not disagree with anything that's going on the left, for I believe everything on the right and you better not disagree. So we know there's a spectrum, and I'm pointing that out to you because I need you to understand that. Those are the things that I understand that have to be considered also.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about Sure.
Speaker 2:Let's do. I would characterize myself as a conservatarian, where I have conservative ideology beliefs as well as libertarian, and so what that really means is I am finding myself, as I get older, a little more libertarian than conservative, so that's where the terry in comes in. I believe that the government should not be involved in our lives. The least amount of involvement by the government creates the greatest opportunity for people to thrive and to define their futures, increase their wealth, live a life that they want to live, and that's where I come from. I am a full believer in free market principles, and on a personal level as well as a business, economic level, so is your person?
Speaker 1:staunch, conservative or libertarian or liberal?
Speaker 2:Not liberal, not liberal. I much like religion and politics. They're not the same, but I think the way you view religion in your life, the way you view politics in your life, it informs the worldview and how you approach living out your life. Whether it is a what you think a solution to a problem is, or what you think is good versus bad, the tolerance and the expectation, the role of government. Is man inherently evil or good? All of that comes back to a worldview and I think that politics and religion provide data points on that worldview. And I think marriage is hard. Marriage is really hard. You have two people who are completely different, regardless of whether they have the same religious beliefs or the same political beliefs, and if you know it's going to be hard, then why would you start off with some serious differences that define your life and what you view as being important?
Speaker 1:That gives me enough space to understand who to exclude from the conversation.
Speaker 2:Mostly liberals, In fact all liberals.
Speaker 1:Again, this is about giving me a roadmap to find the right person for you, and that's the source of these type of questions. All right, let me ask you this Are you ready for a relationship?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think so. I say I think so because if I said yes, absolutely, I feel like that would maybe exclude blind spots.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:But overall yes.
Speaker 1:In your heart, you feel like you're right. Yes, yes. Have you ever been in a long term meaningful relationship before?
Speaker 2:I think we should define long term. I've not been in a relationship over a year. I would say I've experienced three seasons with someone, not all four seasons.
Speaker 1:With one someone or more than one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, with one someone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's fair. So how many relationships have you been in Long term meaningful relationships?
Speaker 2:Probably three. I would say three, which is not a ton, but I feel like it's enough to know myself and what I want moving forward as an adult in the world.
Speaker 1:You said a very interesting thing Like going back to the emotional intelligence and the chameleon. Have I ever met the real and the bevin?
Speaker 2:Oh, I think you have, at this point, 100%. Oh yeah, you see me be goofy. You've seen me make fun of you.
Speaker 1:I've known it really.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all of the versions that I present when I do are not me. They just are highlighting different aspects that are important for different spaces. Okay, yeah, and I think all presentations are like that whenever you present in front of people.
Speaker 1:Now that we know more about you and a bevin, tell me what you're looking for in your person.
Speaker 2:The younger version of myself would give you a list of specific things, like he asked me an athlete, he asked me tall, he asked to have dark hair because I would like tilt your arm with dark hair for your degree or a doctor. Things like that, I think, don't actually get to the heart of who a person is, but they more are the things that you can see immediately or can get to in a shallow conversation. I am really looking for someone to think with me, and what I mean by that is I am a creative person who wants to continue to be creative. I think that there are some rules that are meant to be broken. I think that there are some processes that can be adjusted and changed and new things can happen. If you don't think broadly or open yourself up to thinking in a new way or challenging a status quo, then you're never going to actually get there, and so you'll live in a box.
Speaker 1:So let's stop there for a minute, because you said a lot of things that didn't get close enough to an answer. For instance, you're looking for a creative. What does that mean to you?
Speaker 2:I think what that really means is I don't want someone who speaks in absolutes constantly. That isn't a dreamer. I want someone who like had, values family and is from a together home. I want someone who values sitting around a dining room table and laughing and wants to make memories. These are not describing absolute people and the way that they look, but it's more describing a feeling and things that will last Over the years. I've really tried to describe to myself and be honest about what's the kind of person that I want to live forever with, and describing the things like. You can't change a person. You can change guys clothes, but you cannot change their core, and having someone that values family, has the same viewpoint of the world whether from a political perspective or a religious one and wants to grow and better themselves they have a growth mindset over a fixed mindset is probably another way of saying that. That's really important. That's a really great foundation to start off on like the hardest thing you'll ever do.
Speaker 1:So go back to the creative part. I'm not sure if I understood what you meant by creative. They need to be creative. I know what you mean because I know you well enough to know what creativity is.
Speaker 2:I think what I mean by creative is more is really just a growth mindset over a fixed mindset, and it's not creative in the sense of and I use creative as a catch all word because that seems to be what people understand Because if you say growth over a fixed mindset, people are going to look at you like you've listened to way too many Harvard Business Review idea casts, because I have so you mean creative about life, not necessarily being a creative. Correct. That's probably a better way of saying that. Yes.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's talk about the list. What's the age range of your person?
Speaker 2:I would accept younger and older. My parents are 13 years apart, so I've seen a lot of older dynamic in a relationship where my dad is 13 years older than my mom and I don't dislike that. I used to always think that I would be with someone who's older. I also don't dislike younger. Now we're not going to go 13 years younger in that same spectrum.
Speaker 1:Give me your age.
Speaker 2:I'll probably go 30 to 42. Okay, yeah, we'll say that specific age range of randomness.
Speaker 1:Listen. So I understand that those are just guard rights. Correct, you're a creative person, right, and you're open. So I understand that those are just parameters.
Speaker 2:We're not going to go to 24. That's too far.
Speaker 1:I get it, yeah, I get it, yeah, all right, so how tall is he?
Speaker 2:He is taller than 5'10".
Speaker 1:So if he was 5'8" is that a deal breaker for you?
Speaker 2:It would have to be like a tall 5'8", Because some people look short at 5'8" and some people look tall at 5'8". You know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:That's a real thing.
Speaker 2:I don't wear a ton of heels anymore these days. No one does. After COVID, we're all just trying to make kicks work in all of our outfits. What I'm trying to understand, I know, if he's a great guy and he's 5'8", am I going to turn that away because he's 5'8"? The answer is probably no, but I would like him to be taller. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I don't have the statistics with me right now, but most women want a guy that's 6' tall or taller. That's a very low percentage of the male population.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a very low percentage of the male population, and I think the average male height is at 5'9" 5'9" is okay, that's an inch.
Speaker 2:That's not going to really feel like that much, but I am a tall person how tall are you again I? Am 5'10".
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And so I think, because I am a tall person, like I don't want to look like a tower. Proportional looks are nice.
Speaker 1:And I understand, I understand Again. I just need to get that information down because I want to bring you the best options possible.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, okay. So let's talk about appearance. What's on your list for appearance with a guy?
Speaker 2:Hair, facial hair. Give me more Like a head of hair and a good 5' o clock shadow. Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:You like full beards.
Speaker 2:I do like full beards, but I like the 5' o clock shadow more. How about the goatee? No goatee. I knew you were going to ask that question and I'm going to jump to no, absolutely not, that's. It's either full nothing or 5' o clock shadow. This is the part where I get really judgmental. Thank you, I love this. This is fantastic. What about the full mustache? Nope, nope, just nope.
Speaker 1:Okay, I love this is fun for you. These are real conversations that behind. Listen from a matchmaker's perspective. This conversation is normally held behind closed doors, yeah.
Speaker 2:Not for us, no.
Speaker 1:And no one is privy to this information except your matchmaker and the professionals that he or she works with. Yeah, so I do understand that for the most part, this might sound like a judgmental conversation If you were outside looking in. Everybody is judgmental when it comes to finding their person True.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Everyone. If they're not, they're lying.
Speaker 1:Absolutely Everyone is judgmental when it comes to finding their person, and rightfully so. We have to discern what's right for us if it's our goal to be happy for the rest of our lives. So don't feel bad about that, and I say this to everyone that I talk to Don't feel bad about your preferences.
Speaker 1:Don't feel bad about your requirements. Don't feel bad about your non-negotiables. You can't feel bad about those things. Yeah, Now in the course of conversation, there may be some situations where I might have to move you off of your preferences if I feel like it's not beneficial to the outcome that you're looking for. Right, but then that requires additional conversation because you have to buy into that idea Also.
Speaker 1:I can't just tell you that don't like that. Right, I have to let idea to you. Anyway, the purpose of me making that statement is twofold. Number one I don't want you to feel bad about your preferences, thank you. I don't want you to feel judgmental about that. So what else do you want me to know about your person?
Speaker 2:Athletic.
Speaker 1:What does that mean?
Speaker 2:That means that they have played sports and were good athletes, and doesn't necessarily have to be. They played in college. But athletic, I would like athletic children. I think I would cry if I didn't have athletic children OK.
Speaker 2:Yeah, real judgmental here. There are things I like. I don't really want to go to a lot of ballet, I'd rather go to tennis. I grew up on going with my brother to his baseball stuff. After my softball stuff I played softball in college. My brother played baseball in college. We're the athletic kids. We don't have any. We have no musical abilities whatsoever. My other cousins do, but we don't. Ok.
Speaker 1:I was going to ask you why athletic? But now I understand, because you want your kids to be athletic. So I'm not going to put that in the deal breaker column that's going to go under preference column, because I can perceive I could fathom the idea that you could find a non athletic person and end up with athletic kids.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, you could do that. Yeah, I also just feel like sports really help build character and they're great breeding grounds for resilience and conflict resolution and just lots of things. You need to be a functioning adult.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Absolutely so. That's a lot of why I like sports. Let's talk about finances.
Speaker 1:Let's do Tell me about the financial situation of your person. And before you answer that question, when you get married, do you plan to work? Yes, I do you plan to work because you have to or because you want to?
Speaker 2:Because I want to. It brings me joy and I feel fulfilled. Also, I just can't imagine not like I like lots of projects and lots of things. That's fair, yeah.
Speaker 1:So tell me a little bit of a tinkerer, yeah, so tell me about his financial situation.
Speaker 2:I would say that I'd like him to be financially stable and be planning for the future on his own. Have he's heard of a 401k and has one, possibly even a Roth? Like just making smart decisions for his future? Yeah, I don't think he necessarily has to own a home. I don't think that he has to have five homes but can afford to go on dates.
Speaker 1:I characterize that as a financially grown up man.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think that's yeah, financially grown up man.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good. I thought that was going to turn into a long conversation about a whole bunch of things, but you made that one easy.
Speaker 2:Well, because I think if you think about it or the way that, if you were in a growth mindset and you are growing and you're bettering yourself, you're going to improve from where you are like I'm not close to death or retirement I don't really know about death, but let's hope not. I'm not close to retirement and I want to keep working. I imagine that he will too, and two incomes is better than one, and I think that will just afford different opportunities. I think he'll grow. I'd like him to continue to grow and want to be better than he was the day before. And meeting him now and at the age of the guy also like where he fits into the story. And his age matters too. Right, if you're just now a financial grown up at 45, that's not a good sign, yeah, so it's variable on on on age Now, after you have kids yeah, you still want to work.
Speaker 2:At that point I would like to have sold a company or two and I will define when I work and when I don't work. That's why I am pushing and trying a lot of things now and stretching my entrepreneurial muscles now so that I can have the ability to have the future that I want the way that I want it down the road, because I'd like to be a mom and I'd like to be able to to take them on trips to go see things that they're reading about in history books. Just have a fun life, live it and make memories and have the opportunity to do that.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah. So that's a pretty clear picture to me and, quite honestly, it doesn't feel like you're too constrained in that area.
Speaker 2:I feel pretty good about it yeah.
Speaker 1:And my takeaway from that is that you want a financially grown up man, let me tell you a small story, so I did premarital counseling before I got married.
Speaker 2:And in that premarital counseling.
Speaker 1:The pastor gave me these five things to think about and he used an acronym, smerc, and that stands for sex money. He said intangibles. I'm going to change that to internet and I'll tell you what that means. Okay, r is religion and kids. So S-M-I-R-K Sex money, internet, religion, kids. The conversation is about are you in alignment with the person on those five things? And this conversation has to be had with people, because you'd be surprised at how many people haven't thought about those five things. And these five things, arguably, are the most important things in a relationship. Sure, yeah, I totally agree. Yeah, you have to be in alignment on sex, whatever that is, whatever your place is Now my place to judge where you are on that just have to be in alignment. Money you have to be in alignment on money. Some would argue that's the main reason why most people break Internet. Let's talk about internet for a moment.
Speaker 2:Let's do.
Speaker 1:Internet is my way, in this day and age, to talk about how do we handle the world of communication, social media, cell phones and that sort of thing. And let me give it a little bit more, because we live in a day and age. Only thing I have to compare it to my life on the other side of the internet. I didn't have to have a conversation with my person about whether they have authorization to pick up my phone and use it. Do they have access to the password on my phone? Do they have access to my email? Do they have access to my Facebook? How we're gonna handle social media. Do we do social media together?
Speaker 2:Do we have internet, oh yeah, interesting.
Speaker 1:All of these things, that people don't put thought into these things before they say, hey, I'm gonna rest in my life with this person. And again, it is not my place to judge what your decisions should be around those things. It is my place to bring the conversation up to you and understand how you feel about these things Sex, money, internet, religion and kids. So out of those five things, what which is the most important to you to be in alignment on? There's no right or wrong answer to that question.
Speaker 2:I would probably say religion.
Speaker 1:Okay. And second, because if you're not in alignment with religion is what you're saying then that's a deal breaker. Like I don't even wanna talk to you.
Speaker 2:Kids.
Speaker 1:Okay, kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'd like to have them. I could not be with someone who doesn't wanna have kids.
Speaker 1:Got it. So they have to be in alignment on religion and they have to be in alignment with kids. Now that kids conversation is a bigger conversation, right? Because? Even if they wanna have kids, we gotta talk about how we're gonna raise the kids.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that's a much larger will they believe in Santa Claus. Santa Claus, I knew you were gonna bring up Santa Claus.
Speaker 1:But you get that. And here again, I'm bringing this conversation up because I want you to think about these five things, and the order of importance is not a right or wrong answer. It just helps me to understand where your priorities are Right. So we know religion, kids. What's the most important after kids? Between sex, money, internet. And again, remind you to be in alignment on those things. To be in alignment about sex, to be in alignment about money, to be in alignment about the internet.
Speaker 2:So I would probably go from that order. If we're gonna work down, I would go probably sex money internet.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And it could be that I haven't really thought that much about the internet piece or that I am a pretty decently trusting person. I imagine that there would be a joint email account that also has a joint calendar, where you can have a joint calendar, that is, your calendar together, so you don't have to have the confusion that my parents have about what's on the calendar or what's not on the calendar, but also I think my accounts would stay, my accounts, I would encourage you to think more about it, but you know how you feel about it.
Speaker 1:How would you feel if I brought you a person? And he said to you my phone is off limits. Don't touch my phone.
Speaker 2:I think that would just be weird. Like what? Why can't I touch your phone? Yeah, and again that brings up a whole other host of questions. Does that mean that there's part of your life that I don't know? Right, I like pick it up or put it down, it's just. I think it's more weird that you would say something about it, right.
Speaker 1:Again, the whole point of the conversation is that I feel like, and the work that I do I feel like it is important to at least be in alignment, whatever that is. But you have to understand what that alignment is before you get into a marriage with a person, not after. And that's just that's one of those landmines that people just don't pay attention to, like they don't think that it even matters to have this conversation before we get married.
Speaker 1:Again my thing is consider being in alignment about that person. The sex is easy, like we don't even have to talk about that, and if you're sexually aligned, that's important.
Speaker 2:Totally, totally understand that.
Speaker 1:Money. With regard to money, do you believe in separate bank accounts or?
Speaker 2:joint bank accounts, both, which is not really your answer, but I'm gonna say both. I think a joint for sure, but also I think separate, for because at this point I'm not starting a bank account with, I'm not first being introduced to bank accounts and then being getting married the next day, right, I've had. It's really annoying to close bank accounts, so I think it's okay to keep it. It's not to keep something away, it's mainly just for an ease of use scenario. I have several different bank accounts for different purposes, and I don't really see those purposes going away when I get married. Right, I'm just seeing an expansion, and so, in addition, yeah, so that answers the question.
Speaker 1:Again, there are no right or wrong answers to that question. It's just that as your guide, I wanna make sure that you consider those five things, because they're very important.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I also don't anticipate or ever planning on asking if I can spend money on something that because I have a job and I am earning money and I am. If it is a joint, larger purchase, like a new couch, then that would. I don't know. This whole like asking permission to spend money A lot of women will talk about oh, he's gonna be so upset when he looks at the bank account. No, no, that's not. That will not be the relationship that I have. My parents do not have that relationship at all. My mom has a separate account, my dad has a separate account and then they also have a joint account together. That's not to say that it's my money versus your money, but I'm just not gonna ask permission.
Speaker 1:So, again, you do understand that this is just about making sure you're in alignment with the person Right. Yes, and now that I understand more about the dynamic that you're looking for, maybe I can have that conversation with the prospectant, and I can. It's not a deal breaker. The only reason I say it's not a deal breaker because, let's say, he thinks something totally different, but that's something that's negotiable right, Totally yeah. It's just that before you guys make the move, you gotta make sure you're in alignment about those five things anyway, so that's good for that conversation.
Speaker 1:I just so. This helps me because now I know about you. I know how much you know about yourself. Now we know a little bit about him and you've clearly had some thinking or done some work around some important areas of being aligned. What do you think the type of guy that you want is looking for?
Speaker 2:My first answer would be hopefully me. I think my second answer is still hopefully me. I don't know what. Break that down. Expand on that.
Speaker 1:So, now that we know about you and we know about him in your heart and mine, tell me what is it that you have to offer a man in the context of a lifelong marriage.
Speaker 2:Man, it's weird to think about yourself as like a commodity and as a product.
Speaker 1:Understood, but let me put a little more on it.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Because, again, in my conversations with people, I want them come out of themselves and a lot of times I consider them the seller. Right In the context of using real estate as a metaphor, I'm the seller and there's a buyer. What is that buyer looking for? And, as a seller, what do I have to offer that buyer? Because men will ask that question. These days, the question that comes up for women is what do you have to offer? This is how it's generally worded.
Speaker 2:What do you?
Speaker 1:bring to the table.
Speaker 2:Sure, yeah, that's a.
Speaker 1:And it's a very off-putting question to women. But the problem is 90% of the women that attempt to answer that question don't have an answer for that question, and I'm not suggesting that you should entertain that question.
Speaker 2:What I'm suggesting is that you think about it and you have an answer for it. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 1:I would say my humor, my family, my drive, my compassion, it's more important, that you have thought about what you have to offer, because most people only think about what they're looking for the other person to bring and they don't spend any time thinking about what they have to offer. Again, let's put aside who's asking the question and why they're asking the question Me as your matchmaker and your dating coach, your relationship coach and your guide. I just need to know that you've spent some time and you've taken some inventory about what it is that you have to offer someone in a relationship, because, again, my duty is on both sides of the equation. When I go talk to a guy, he may ask me what does she have to offer? Not in those words, but the conversation may lead there.
Speaker 2:What are?
Speaker 1:the pros and cons and again, even though you may be my client, I have to bring you somebody that's qualified and if you don't meet his requirements, then he doesn't qualify for that question.
Speaker 2:No, I mean, I think that, yeah, I find it so hard to not go until it's superficial. Here's my long list of things that I have. So please find them good. That's mentally where I go to when you say what do you have to offer? I like order, I like schedules. I like also being spontaneous. I love surprises. I am a nice person to get along with.
Speaker 2:I wake up nicely, I'm not grumpy. In the morning, I like to have one cup of coffee and it's black. You don't have to learn that much about me. It's really super easy. If you bring me coffee, I will love you forever. Just, it feels less. It feels more needy. And try to think through, please find it valuable, what I am. And I think, when I meet somebody and I have conversations with them, that I'm running through that filter like one. Yes, do I like them? Do I find them attractive? Do I want to spend time? Do I care about the answers to their questions? Do I find myself being curious about what? Could I next ask them? Are they curious about me or do they only talk about themselves? Yes, you're running through all of that at the same time, but it's also am I like what do they want. Am I close to that? Because if I'm not close to that, then I don't want to keep having a conversation, because that's a waste of all of our time.
Speaker 1:With regard to your answer to the question what is he looking for? What do you bring to the table or what do you have to offer in a long-term, meaningful relationship? Those things that you listed? Are they important to men?
Speaker 2:I don't know that answer.
Speaker 1:So and I think that's the part where men and women are just very different Absolutely, and I listen intently to the answer because I know what's important to men and most of the things that you list are not important to me. No, no, and that's okay that I listen to your answers and those were great answers but what I do is I automatically put myself in the shoes of the guy and I have a conversation with him and let's just say he asked me the question what does she bring to the table? And I gave him that list. I know he would be totally not interested in that list of things that she gave. This is a part of the conversation where the guy me as the guy comes in, because I understand the dynamics on both sides If I was to ask him what he brings to the table and he gave me his list. Men know much better than women what women want with regard to that list.
Speaker 2:Sure, yeah, I believe that.
Speaker 1:And where the confusion comes in is that women know what they want from men, but the things that make men valuable to a relationship are not the same things that make women valuable in the context of a relationship. Okay, yep, but women don't know that. Like women, let me tell you something. The demographic that I talk to the most are older women, generally 40 and between 40 and 55. I talk to all ages, all races, all affiliations, but I have a tendency to talk to that demographic the most, and one of the things that they'll say to me is, when we have this particular conversation, they'll say, hey, I have my own house and I have my own car and I can take care of myself. And I say to them that's good, but don't use those as selling points.
Speaker 1:And then they will turn around and say to me but I would think that a guy would be happy to know that I can take care of myself and he would. He absolutely would. But that's not what sells him on being in a relationship with you. So let's talk about a woman and what she finds valuable. His height is in there, his ability we're gonna say income, which I try to describe as his ability to gain resources and don't care about that. Now again, this conversation is contextual also because if you were to ask a regular guy making $20, 30, $40,000, if he cares what kind of education and how much money she makes, he would say yes. But if I was talking to that guy, I would say to him explain to me the type of woman that you want. And he might say she's educated. He might say she makes sex amount of dollars. He might say she has her own house and car. He might say those things but, that's because of his situation.
Speaker 1:If I turn around and ask that same guy if I put $18 million in your bank account now tell me what kind of woman you are. None of that stuff would come up. He would tell me what kind of woman he wants, but you get what I'm saying. So the only reason I brought that up, the only reason I brought that whole conversation up, is because when-.
Speaker 2:My answers are completely wrong. Your answers are not wrong, absolutely not wrong.
Speaker 1:So there's no right or wrong answers to it. It's just the way it is. Most women don't know this right and most women will push back on this conversation. And the reason they'll push back on the conversation? Because imagine you were a 40 year old woman and you've never been married before and you got all this education and you're all successful in the job. You don't want to hear somebody say men don't care about that.
Speaker 1:Like you don't want to hear anybody say that and it's a sensitive conversation, cause I try to have that conversation with empathy. But this is where a lot of frustration comes in, with women specifically, cause again, people understand men, what makes men valuable?
Speaker 2:Cause talk about it all the time, how much money it makes, how big he is, yeah, Well, if you go to a gym any gym they're largely dominated by men and it's you can tell guys based on if they're married or single, by how they work out. Yeah, oh yeah, single guys only work out their upper bodies, only work out their upper bodies. Married guys will do a total body workout that will be like 45 minutes to an hour and they're out. Single guys will be there for have their like protein shakes, their like workout bag, their journal. They got to track that upper body workout because arms are notoriously really important for women. I also find them to be very important because I, as I've said to you many times before, when, like describing the guy which I didn't say in this cause, I was trying to be like, more descriptive than win in a bar fight. That's my type of guy. Wins in a bar fight? Intellectually, sure, that would be great, like, definitely, please. But physically, win in a bar fight.
Speaker 1:I'm not asking you to start it, I just want you to know that you could, you could, you could do it.
Speaker 2:So single guys work out their upper bodies Anyway, anyway.
Speaker 1:so thank you for your time today. I really appreciate your candor and hopefully the people get get something from this conversation. Yeah definitely All right until next time.
Speaker 2:Thank you again, anna Bevin and it's my pleasure, happy to open up my mind and heart.