Dating Differently Podcast
Dating Differently Podcast
Minisode 1: What is Matchmaking?
Ever wonder what's going wrong with your dating life? We've got our expert matchmaker, Valdon Johnson, aboard to demystify the world of matchmaking for you. Step away from the relentless swipe culture of online dating and discover the art of quality introductions. Get ready to understand how relationship goals can guide your journey to meet 'the one' and why being truthful with your matchmaker is the first step.
No one said dating was easy, but with the right approach, it doesn't have to be as complicated as you think. In our conversation with Valdon, we unravel the importance of feedback and compatibility and why these elements are crucial to setting up successful dates. We explore the unique idea of a social circle approach to matchmaking, which could be the antidote to the loneliness and anxiety that pervades today's dating scene. Explore why expanding your social circles could be the key to finding a match that shares your core values.
Finally, we journey into the complexities of relationships. We're diving into the biology and psychology behind gender differences and how understanding these can help foster more fulfilling relationships. We also explore diverse perspectives on marriage and committed relationships and why personal growth is fundamental to their success. Get ready to have your views on relationships and matchmaking wholly transformed! Tune in, and let us guide you to your perfect match.
So there's a lot for us to go over in this. I think I would like to start with, from your perspective, valden who are we looking for? What is this for?
Speaker 2:My initial reason for, I should say, my initial philosophy around why I got into the matchmaking business had a lot to do with the frustration that I know people have with regard to finding the types of people that they want to be around, because I had that same frustration also when I was a single guy. I just wanted to be around the right people from which my person would come from, but I couldn't find my right people. And that's harder today because where are we living Like? There's a segment of society that stays online and they feel like that's the best place for them to meet people and interact with people, and then there's a segment of people who live life in the real world, but they both have challenges finding the right people to be around. So, with that being said, you know, like I said, part of the reason why I got into the matchmaking industry was to help people find the right people to be around, because, ultimately, I want to help people find their person.
Speaker 1:So how do you describe matchmaking? Like I met you probably a year ago you were in some change ago and you said you were a matchmaker. I immediately jumped to like, oh that's funny. Yeah, that's great Cool, how's that working? And then I started thinking about it a little bit more with regards to millionaire matchmaker. Love is blind All these shows that we've seen talking about matchmaking, and then obviously, the Hallmark movie of a matchmaker like trying to set up other people, because I feel like that's a great Hallmark lifetime movie plotline and then we started talking.
Speaker 1:I met with you at the beginning of this year of 2022 to sort of explore that a little bit more, like, hey, I want different results. As a single person who's been online dating and then real life dated and then online dated, I wanted different results because I wanted to find my person Right and I got sort of tired of this whole thing. And I got sort of tired of this whole hey, remember that time when and I didn't have anybody to go to, like, point to and say that time when, fill in the blank. And so I just became really curious about how do you matchmaking in a world where people are looking for, like, we've got a lot of swipes, we got a lot of swiping.
Speaker 1:And then there's this Shangri-La of being able to walk into a bar and meet somebody. I was just talking to somebody the other day about Sullivan's bar and how fantastic that bar is Literally top one of my favorite bars, really. Yeah, I judge restaurants by the bar. Yeah, if I had a memory, it would be called bar side always. Yeah, but anyway, off of that topic, to just like the desire to be able to meet somebody in real life, yeah, and I think that's you're sort of a hybrid of that.
Speaker 2:Well, your initial question was what is a mass maker? Yeah, we don't remember that Good job that was your initial question, and so I've been in the industry for about seven years now, right, and I am based on what I've learned, because I'm a researcher. Like when I get involved with things, I kind of want to know where it came from and you know where it's going and some of those things.
Speaker 2:So I did a little bit of research on matchmaking. You know, in my earlier years and I personally have come to a conclusion that we have what's called traditional matchmakers and modern matchmakers, Because matchmaking for the most part is Genesis in the Jewish community. Yeah, and I can't remember the name of the person. There's a name, I think, A yenta. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:We joke about them at my house.
Speaker 2:The only reason I bring that up is I consider that traditional matchmaking right, because they didn't do it for money. They did it because it was culturally the thing to do to help people come together right, and they do this in the Indian community. There's some other communities where I consider them to be traditional matchmakers. Modern matchmaking has the same spirit behind it, but it's more of a business type of a thing. Most people that I know that are in the matchmaking industry really want to help people come together right. They really do so.
Speaker 2:I don't want to make people think that modern matchmakers are all about money, because it's not. But I will say this the modern matchmakers, or that segment of that industry, it's a luxury ticket item. Yeah, right, it's a very luxury ticket item, and part of the reason why I got into the industry is because I wanted to bring what I consider a very useful service to the working class. But it's tough to do that because it requires a lot of resources, which is the reason why it costs a lot of money, right, yeah, yeah. But what is matchmaking? In my opinion, matchmaking is simply about making quality introductions, like introducing you to somebody that's qualified to date you right, based on your relationship goals, because that's what. That's what we lack in the dating app world. You've got a list of people, but people don't always tell the truth, right?
Speaker 1:And what people are not telling the truth.
Speaker 2:They are absolutely.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh shocks.
Speaker 2:And then you know, even if it's from photograph standpoint, people don't tell the truth with their photographs, like people post 20 year old photos and you know, or in this world, people have learned to take camera and make themselves look like something that they are.
Speaker 2:And then it's not even get into filters and that sort of thing, right? So, at the end of the day, matchmaking brings. It has the capability to take away a lot of the frustrations that people deal with, because you can spend a lot of time. When I was single, I spent hours and hours and hours on matchmaking websites at the time we didn't have apps back then, but I would travel for two weeks and I come home and I spend the whole weekend just reading through profiles and responding to profiles.
Speaker 2:And it was. It just wasn't a good use of time, you know. So let me add this one last thing, I think, for successful people, the more successful people are, the more they realize how important their time is, how valuable.
Speaker 1:Their time is right.
Speaker 2:So anything they can outsource, they'll outsource it. And if I'm a successful person and I need somebody in my life and I can go to somebody and say, hey, this is what I need in my life, can you go find that person for me? I'm all about it if I can afford to do it, anyway. So that's a little bit about what? I think matchmaking is.
Speaker 1:So what does your process look like? I met with you earlier in the year, that's obviously, I guess. Is that stage one 1.5?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you know we've taken a slow track only because we haven't done photos yet. Because photos are important, it's like one of the most important things that help me do my job right, because the way the process works, I'm like recruiting 100% of the time. When I'm out and about, I am always looking for quality single people and I want to have a conversation with them and decide if they should be a part of my matchmaking network.
Speaker 1:Quick question do you turn that off on date night?
Speaker 2:No, I don't think so. One thing on that point I'm forcing it to be married to a very supportive person, and she's excited by a lot of the work that I do also, so I don't think it ever goes off. But here's a quick process. Let's see, I met you and I made an appointment to come sit over here with you. When we sat and talked about step one, well, I said, hey, go fill out this form.
Speaker 2:Yes, the form on the website which basically gets you into the database and allows you to set up a profile of your preferences you know what you're looking for and a little bit about you, and then I'll generally have a screening interview with a person. Most of us will do a screening interview with the person and you know we got to get photos right. Then we do photos.
Speaker 1:So we're delayed at the photo stage.
Speaker 2:but hypothetically if we had photos, so if we had photos because one of the things I said to you I've been out and about whether I was at the club or at an event, and if I see a guy and I think to myself, hey, this might be nice for Anna Bevin, yeah, right, and I go open up conversation with him and the more I talk to him I say to myself, man, he would be nice for Anna Bevin, but I've got to sell him on Anna Bevin, yeah, and I've got nothing to sell him with If I don't have a photo. Now, it's not like I go around sharing people's profiles with everybody, right?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right. The idea is like this is there's discretion about the whole process, but at the end of the day you know, I analogize what we do and how we do it with the real estate industry Right.
Speaker 1:And here.
Speaker 2:Here is the reason why I say that because recently I had a high profile guy and I put his discreetly, shared him with the community of women and the women were very interested and this guy was actually in another matchmaker's database and I wanted to collaborate. She reached out to me to see if we could collaborate to help find somebody for her client. Now I said to the women, because the women were interested, right. And I said to the women you know, in order for me to present you, I have to present you well because I have a reputation as a matchmaker also. So when I'm working with high end matchmakers who have high end clients, I have to make sure what I send them. That's fascinating.
Speaker 1:I have to make sure what I send them is high end Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I can't take your bathroom photos and put it in your profile and send it to who we've noted, a bathroom selfie is not ideal.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly so.
Speaker 2:That's the reason why there's some matchmakers who are against using photos, just so you know. But the general consensus in the dating world and whether you're using apps or matchmakers or whatever, is you got to have good photos. And I like to use the word effective photos, because there's a difference between a good photo and an effective photo.
Speaker 1:So we've taken photos. I feel properly shamed as to not have photos right now, but so, in this role, use me as this continued example. We've taken photos. You are constantly looking for people, for your clients. What comes next?
Speaker 2:What comes next is whoever I get for you will definitely be a part of the database also, right, because we screen both sides, right, and you know, because, at the end of the day, I need to know that I'm putting you in a safe situation, right?
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I want to make sure that I'm not wasting your time also, but here's how it happens. If I say to you hey, anna Bev, and I found somebody and I'm going to set you up on a date, and I said the same thing to him, then I introduce you guys through, you know, over the web, like it's, through the content management system that we use. It has all the capabilities to send you an introduction, send him an introduction. I can set up a date for you, set up the times of the place, location, all of that stuff. I can set that up for you and all you have to do is just show up, all he has to do is just show up, right, and you guys have a date, you know, and, depending on who you are, I might offer some parameters around that date, whether it should be one hour or no more than 30 minutes, or whatever the case may be Like oh, that's, interesting these things.
Speaker 2:People are different, like there's no one size fits all when it comes to these things, and it also depends on the type of date that you're having. Also Right, but anyway, you go and putt putt or sit down dinner. Yeah yeah, no, putt putt still.
Speaker 1:Okay, again, lots of great things.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't do a putt putt. But I don't know, Maybe there is somebody I would do putt putt with.
Speaker 1:For the record, I also don't want putt putt. Okay, in case we were wondering.
Speaker 2:So I send you guys out on a date and it's a requirement for both of you to give me feedback on the other person, right? I really want feedback about my client because if there's anything that you need to know, because this is one of the problems with dating.
Speaker 2:One of the problems with dating is people go out with each other all the time and things happen, and if something happens this bad, the person who did it will typically never find out about it. No, right, there's a great podcast called Second Date Update and it's a podcast where two people have gone on a date and maybe one person thought the date went really, really well, but the other person ghosted them, right. So this person calls the radio station and says, hey, find out why Johnny ghosted me, because I thought we had a really good time. And then Johnny gets on the phone and he explains why he ghosted her, right, and what's a good example. Let's go the other way. There was an example where a guy was on his way to a date, yeah, and he put some trash in the back of his car and he was going to stop on the way out of his community to throw trash in the dump, but he was running late, so he kept trashing the car. So, oh, that's weird.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but they went on to have a really good date. Yeah.
Speaker 2:In his mind. But in her mind she was like this dude is nasty, that's a weird yeah and. But he never. So he called the radio station and say, hey, why did she ghost me? We had a really good time. And she called in and said Dude's car smell like. If his car smells like this, I hate to see what his house smells like.
Speaker 2:I hate to see what he smells like Right, but it's those types of things. Listen, it's a good podcast. I'll say go listen to the second date update podcast. It's a really good. Okay, it's almost like a good date coaching. You can learn so much from other people's mistakes Mistakes, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, so you've set up a date for future Anabaven and future potential dude and you've gotten feedback. Where do you go from there? Do you repeat the process again? How do you deliver tough feedback? I guess that's probably like where I want to, because I'm running through work scenarios where sometimes you have to get, you give tough feedback and then you have to get tough feedback. How do you do that as a matchmaker?
Speaker 2:Because it's not like hey, your formatting was wrong, right, it's like so, so let me let me start by saying that this industry is heavily dominated by women, and it's easier for women to deliver Messages to women than it is for men to deliver certain messages to women.
Speaker 1:So you do tag and Debbie.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, I do it, I go for it, but you know, it requires a level of empathy and sincerity that and you have to build that rapport with your client early so that you, they understand that you want to give them feedback that's gonna be helpful for them and even if it's tough feedback, as long as you, you, you're coming from a place of being helpful, yeah, constructive, yeah, but you, but you have to be the type of person that can deliver that right, and it can still be tough, even with that information, but anyway. So the one thing I want to say, before we move on from what a matchmaker is and this is just because of the way you and I've Come together and some of the things that we want to do I really like the idea of taking a social circle approach to matchmaking.
Speaker 2:And I think I mentioned this to you earlier one of the things I do in my matchmaking databases I will curate a group of people based on core values. Okay, and you know? So I may. I may go into the database and say, hey, give me all of the Christian Caucasian women, conservative, between the ages of 35 and 40, just see how many women are in there, and then I'll do the same thing for men. Go Find me all the Christian, conservative Caucasian men and see how many are in there, and if I see enough people to make a party, so to speak, I'll just say a party.
Speaker 2:I do love parties and or an event you know then I will curate those people or build an event. I sent them all an invitation from the system, from the matchmaking system that we use, and then we build an event around people who are Basically compatible at the core value level. Right, because, again, I'm very much for helping people find Types of people that they want to be around. And I should probably say one more thing with regard to matchmaking, because matchmaking is a we, we do ethically discriminate, because that's what clients pay us to do. They pay us to go find exactly what it is that you're looking for. Now I also add to you that coaching is a very big part of matchmaking, because most people, if you were to bring their perfect person, they wouldn't know how to keep that person. They basically screwed up. Most people just don't know. Most people don't have good relationship.
Speaker 1:Interesting right.
Speaker 2:So if you're my client and I understand that you've got some blind spots and you've got some, you know, some traumas that you have to deal with. Now I'm not a therapist but I can identify Traumas in people because I think I mentioned this to you. And a bed when we first met, you wanted a very few women. When I said, hey, you want to be married, you want a very few women. That just said yes, absolutely want to be married.
Speaker 2:What women will often say is, yeah, I want to be married if I can find somebody that's not gonna cheat on me, or if I can find somebody that's honest, or if I can find somebody that's not this and not this, and if it's the right person and all those sorts of things. Right. And where my brain goes is that if I ask you if you want to be married and your brain goes straight to all the negative things that could happen to you in marriage, then that that's a clear indication that there's some work to do to get your mind in the right place.
Speaker 2:That's interesting, yeah, but when I mean like yourself and and I say, hey, you want to be married. You're like, yeah, absolutely, I want to be married, sign me up. Yeah, that sends a different message to me. Anyway, I said all I'd like to say very few. Most matchmakers are Dating coaches and relationship coaches. Also, not all relationship coaches and dating coaches are matchmakers, but it's.
Speaker 1:It's a very complimentary skill to have so you said something a minute ago that sort of stands out on my brain and I'm gonna see, if I remember it correctly, the core foundations that are similar, core values, core values that are similar when you put together a group of people, because I think group matchmaking is social circles.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm is refreshingly comfortable. You and I'm going to say also sort of new where group dating has like negative implications in my mind, from like an evangelical background where everything was group dating Right and you never really knew, like, who liked you and who didn't like you, because you were group dating Right, right, and I jokingly talk about this like phase of work that I've gone through, that is, I've gone from an exclusive relationship to what feels like group dating, so I don't really know where I stand. Yeah, have you found that? That is your approach to social circles and similar like core values? Putting those people in the room result in the whether it's a metaphorical room or an actual room results in positive feedback, comfortable interactions. And then I have an overall question about privacy, but we'll get to that in a second. Yeah, but answer that first question, go.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So first of all the social circle idea came to mind because people are really intimidated. Let me back up one step and just say there's a most I can't even say most people. A lot of people are lonely, like, let's right, yeah.
Speaker 1:A lot of people are lonely. Stats will tell you that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and not only that. Many people have anxiety about meeting other people. Yeah, because we live in a world where we don't really interact with people as much as we did 20 years ago.
Speaker 1:Also heightened by COVID Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, hightened by COVID. So the first thing that crosses my mind is how can I get people in the room with people that they would be most comfortable with? Right, understanding that there's some anxiety around the situation. Again, I have to grease this whole situation up also, right? So even if I invite someone to a social circle event, I have to either have people there that are going to interact with you if you are, you know, introverted, because I don't want you standing in the corner. At the same time, I don't want to force you to feel like you have to do something you don't want to do, right? The idea behind the social circle event is to begin to build safe spaces for people to feel more comfortable with interacting with people. Right, that's fundamentally what it is now that they're interacting with people. Now they have a better chance of making a friend, whether it's a same sex friend or an opposite sex friend.
Speaker 2:And now they're developing some interpersonal skills and some communication skills with people. Again, that's not behind a cell phone or a computer. Now they have an opportunity to actually show people who they are and see who other people are, and it just opens up the opportunity for them to meet someone that they can go on a date with.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And the reason why I don't call it group dating, because I like think about it. If I send five guys out with five women, I kind of want the five guys to get to know the five guys also, I want the five women to get to know the five women. I want the five women to get to know the five guys, and vice versa, right, and I really try to coach people to stop. I try to coach men to stop thinking of every woman that they meet as a potential Right. Let's get out of that mindset first and the same thing for women.
Speaker 2:When you meet a guy, take off the potential glasses right now. Your goal is just to see if you can be cordial with the guy, be nice with the guy, get to know the guy, because you get an opportunity to get to know five guys. Don't put all your eggs in his basket. Let's get to know all five guys Right. There's so many different dynamics that could come out of this, but at the end of the day, some people do better with one-on-one dating. Some people don't want to do one. It's just a thing. It really depends on the person.
Speaker 2:Right, and all I'm trying to do is bring different scenarios to people, because I attack this from several different angles, whether it be one-on-one, traditional matchmaking or whether it be social circle with 10 people or a social circle event with 20 people. Right, because, at the end of the day, we put down these lists and we know from science and research that lists have nothing to do with you having a successful relationship. Right, but you can't convince people of that, so you go ahead and you let them make their list Right.
Speaker 1:Thank you for letting me make my list.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you go ahead and you let people make their list and you go ahead and you find people that match that list Right, and then you're positioned to have conversations to help them understand what's really important and what's really going to offer you the opportunities to have long and lasting relationships. Right, because it's not the stuff on your list most of the time, depending on the person. But the point is we get to have some of these conversations once we, you know, we get them in the fold.
Speaker 1:So what's been the number one thing of all your clients that you've worked with and you've seen move into happy and healthy, successful relationships? What's been the thing that they have changed their mind about the most? If you can answer that, I feel like that's somewhat loaded, yeah.
Speaker 2:It is loaded because the men people are just so different. Like in my community the people is very diverse, like four different generations of people, you know, at least three different races, all sorts of different religions and political backgrounds and all those sorts of things. Yeah, I can tell you this, the one thing that I try to help women understand, let's say women and men. So I am a believer in evolutionary biology and psychology Right, and a lot of people aren't Right. But I do believe that there are some things that are ingrained in men that just make us the way we are.
Speaker 2:Right has nothing to do with how we will live our lives and what decisions we'll make, but there's some things that we're just wired to think Like. There's some things we are wired to feel in certain situations and the same thing for women. Like there's certain things that women are just wired to feel Like. You know, I won't get into the likes, but because of that I try to help women understand men better and I try to help men understand women better, Because when you understand why women are the way they are, then you don't blame them for being the way they are. And once you stop blaming them for being the way they are. You stop being frustrated about the way they are Like you get to make a decision now.
Speaker 2:Hey, I want to be with a woman, and the same thing coming back from you know, from the other side, with men.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Because here's one of the things I say often. I say, hey, you know, people enjoy doing what they're good at, right, and they really hate doing things that they're not good at.
Speaker 1:I definitely live by that rule, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's a lot of reason why relationships are so tough Because most people aren't good at dating Right, and most people aren't good at relationships.
Speaker 2:Most people aren't good at communicating, like most people don't have good relationship skills, and because of that it brings a lot of frustration to the party, so to speak. So one of my goals is to help people be better at it and sell them on the idea that if you are better at being in relationships and you know this is a problem, like people have to do work to do get to that point Right, you got to either read a book or you got to go listen to somebody or do something, go to therapy or something Like. The combination is not the same for everybody, but you have to at least start with one thing to be better and have more knowledge about relationships. Because I can tell you, the more you know about relationships, the more you can see it in your everyday life and the more you can navigate it. And the easier you can navigate it, the better it gets. Like it just you know, you start to enjoy relationships.
Speaker 2:I don't know if I answered your question that you asked 10 minutes ago, but it was a little while ago, but that's okay.
Speaker 1:I am hearing you talk through matchmaking and what matchmaking is and how your process works. I am a little intrigued by this thought of you have to want to have a new thought, a new perspective. You have to want to go in a place that you haven't gone before, right, and I think that is so interesting in like today's dating culture, because I don't think that I would say that many of my friends when I was younger maybe that's not true, because most of my friends are all married and have children now because they wanted to be married and be parents and have children. But maybe some, like adjacent people that I acquaintances, that I knew that are they dated around. They wanted to date, not to marry, and I think that mindset really changes how you approach the concept of finding your person or finding just a person for the time being.
Speaker 1:Do you want to not be lonely? Do you want to have a partner to work through conversations, work through hard times, work through like the pain of life? I don't know, because I think I'm trying to think through the examples of marriage that I have in my family and I mean I could be wrong, but I think we really all want to end up there, end up in having a committed relationship, whether it's defined by marriage or just defined by a committed relationship moving forward in a long-term fashion, where you both die together. I would call that marriage.