Dating Differently Podcast
Dating Differently Podcast
Minisode 5: Valdon, What makes you qualified?
From the circuit board to the heart, who knew that a 30-year career in electrical engineering could prepare one to be a matchmaker and dating coach? Love, like electricity, follows its rules and principles, and no one knows this better than our host. He's lived half his life without the internet, navigated the tumultuous world of online dating, and found his perfect match, culminating in a successful 12-year marriage. This unique journey has equipped him with an unconventional toolbox with wisdom and insights ready to be shared with you.
In this captivating episode, we flip the switch on the matchmaking industry, shedding light on expert insights and perspectives. We'll discuss the value of continually seeking knowledge, from devouring books on relationships to attending industry events like the Matchmaking Institute Conference. We'll also help you navigate the vast landscape of online dating coaches and emphasize the importance of finding advice tailored to your circumstances. So join us as we illuminate the path to finding love, one circuit - or should we say, heart - at a time. Tune in if you're ready for a unique blend of personal anecdotes, expert insights, and candid discussions that promise to redefine what you thought you knew about the matchmaking industry.
This is a question that comes up a lot. You've been an electrical engineer for 30 years. How are you qualified to be a matchmaker and a dating coach? You know relationship consultant, that question, those are really nice titles.
Speaker 2:Yeah, is it really? Yeah, those are good. I like those. Oh, people, I feel like I should come up with some better ones.
Speaker 1:People will ask me you know how am I qualified to do that? And you know there are a lot of people in the matchmaking industry that come from other industries, like lawyers and real estate. People come in the matchmaking and then there's some people who are in the industry, who came from family therapy backgrounds and really educated in these spaces, and we all bring something different to the table. But I do like to entertain that question because one of my pet I won't say pet peeve One of my I guess I'll have to say pet peeves is you know, I tell people all the time I have a love-hate relationship with dating coaches online, social media dating coaches and the reason that is is because there's so many of them and people wake up every day and say, hey, you know, I look across my life experience. I think I know a lot. Let me start sharing it with the world. Sometimes that works out in the sense that there are a lot of really good dating coaches online, but there are a lot of terrible ones also.
Speaker 1:But single people don't know the difference between the two. They don't know when they're getting good advice and when they're getting bad advice. Right, they don't know the difference between the two. And not only that, not all good advice is good for everybody. I wouldn't say the same thing to a 45-year-old woman who has kids that I would say to a 24-year-old woman who's never been married before, right? So these dynamics make it a little treacherous in my mind for people out, single people who are relying on professionals to give them good guidance, because the guidance is not always good. Right Now, going back to myself, you know when I have to entertain that question, I say listen, I feel like I bring one perspective because I lived the first half of my life. We didn't have the internet. We didn't have smartphones or any of that stuff. I was 27 years old when people started using the internet at home.
Speaker 2:I don't remember life without Wi-Fi yeah.
Speaker 1:I get it.
Speaker 2:My dad was like a really early adopter. Like really early adopter, like I don't remember the you've got mail sign-on noise because we had wireless internet in my house. Dad was like, oh my gosh, there's this thing called the World Wide Web Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I was late 20s when people started using the web at home right and cell phones came out just before. That, like 1993, is when Were they the bag phones?
Speaker 1:Yeah exactly, I had the bag phones. But think about this the whole point of me bringing that up is that you know, I know what life was like. I was 30 something years old before social media came on the scene, being really considered AOL to be social media. But you know, around YouTube, no, youtube, like that's not even here yet. But what was it? My space, oh, my space in Facebook. That period of time I was in my mid-30s, right Point being I lived a half of my life without internet, cell phone, smartphone, social media, and I'm on the second half of my life where I get to see what life is like with that right. So my perspective in this market also is a little bit broadened by the fact that I remember what it was like when you had to actually, yeah, make a move on a girl, when you had to actually cultivate relationships.
Speaker 2:Like at Joey's how you doing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you had to actually cultivate relationships over a period of time in real person, right? That's a foreign idea to people who live in the world today. But again, going back to you, know how and how am I qualified to talk about this? That's just one piece Like. I talk about the fact that you know I've been successfully married for 12 years, right, successfully married for 12 years not necessarily happily married for 12 years, but successfully married for 12 years and the work Still counts, yeah, yeah, that's required to do that gives me more qualifications for that. I told you before I wanted to be married when I was 23. I started reading books back then. I still to this day. I think most people should read Mars and Venus Like and most people most single people haven't read it, but they would be so enlightened if they read that book because it helps you understand more about men and it helps men understand more about women, and I think it was a very well-written book and it changed my life.
Speaker 2:I think we need to have common misconceptions about relationships or dating advice in a future podcast episode, because all I'm hearing in my brain is he's just not that into you, where if you're confused he's not interested, right, so far that's been pretty true in my life, like if a guy is interested, he will move heaven and earth to let you know it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's absolute truth to that, but there's also some downsides to that rhetoric that we'll talk about later. We'll get into that, so I'm going to continue on my list of things of why I'm qualified to be in this.
Speaker 2:Oh right, yeah, yeah, keep going, keep going.
Speaker 1:So the other is you know, when I joined the Matchmaking Institute back in I think it was 2018 is when I initially joined and I met two pivotal people. That year I went to New York. So every year, new York City, they have this big conference where all matchmakers and dating coaches I won't say all of them, but matchmakers from around the world- how big is that?
Speaker 2:out of curiosity, which is why you ask a question. But how big is that?
Speaker 1:You went with me last year. How many people did you think? It's probably two or 300 people, yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's better than I thought I was thinking like. For some reason, I was envisioning like a comic con. Oh yeah, no, no, no, lots and lots of people.
Speaker 1:The the matchmaking industry is relatively small people and keep in mind the people at this conference. They're all professional matchmakers and dating coaches and behavioral science professionals, Right? So it's about 300 people from around the world who come together and they do it in New York City every year, they do it in Singapore every year and they do it in London.
Speaker 2:Oh, those are exciting places yeah.
Speaker 1:So I might go to one in London this year.
Speaker 1:I'm definitely going to go to one in New York, because I always go to the one in New York, but the reason I bring that up is the first year I went, I met two people that were really pivotal in my understanding of science and research around it and just the mechanics of the matchmaking. The one was a lady named Helen Fisher. She's the chief scientist at matchcom and if you sit down and you have a conversation with these people, you get so much information and so much good perspective about things that you just like you just wouldn't get in any other place. There's another guy. His name is Paul Brunson and most people don't know that name, but he was. He was coined the real world hits for many years. He's an African American guy who got into the matchmaking industry, went to work for Oprah, he had a coach and I get it was a whole big thing, but I met those two people the first year.
Speaker 1:I went back in 2018 and since then the doors have just continued to open up. So, again, what qualifies me to be in this industry is number one my experience. Number one, my I'll say my education, even though it's a self education. Number Number two is the perspective of being on both sides of the Internet, this side and that side. And number three are the people that I have access to. Last year we met Logan Urie, whose relationship science something at hingecom Right, oh, cool.
Speaker 1:So so when you, when you know these people that are working for these apps and you know, you know some of the like, I know some of the names it doesn't make sense to even mention them because people don't know these people.
Speaker 1:You know, but Terry Orbach, who who's you know, renowned she teaches a course at the Matchmaking Institute, science Base Coaching, right, well, she goes over a lot of the science around. You know why we love and she's followed like 300 couples through marriage over some extended number of years. But my point is my access to these people and my network of people that keep me informed and give me access to research like real research and real science, my own experiences and the fact that I talk to hundreds of single people every year. These are the things that qualify me to talk about what I talk about and these are the things that give me the tools and resources to help people down the road. And, quite honestly, I do my best unless I'm talking to a one on one paid client, I do my best not to give advice. I try to. I've tried to focus more on helping people have better perspectives.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's very interesting Perspectives, because then they can make decisions on their own, and it's almost kind of like teaching them the fish as opposed to giving them a fish. Yeah, give people the tools they need to have better perspectives about men or women or relationships or themselves, whatever the case may be, and that's kind of how I like to focus in this space with my community of people.