Conquering Coworker Guilt

Have you ever grappled with the guilt of not living up to your pre-parental work persona? Join Jess Feldt and Daniella Cornue, as we peel back the layers of coworker guilt that many working parents face. Our heart-to-heart on The Tightrope delves into the complex emotions of striving to succeed both at the office and at home. We tackle this emotional tug-of-war—sharing stories, insights, and a generous helping of self-compassion—to guide you through reshaping your identity in the post-children phase of life - guilt-free.

As we navigate the choppy waters of aligning personal values with corporate culture, our journey takes us from the tension of office expectations to redefining our worth as an employee after embracing motherhood. Together, we discuss how management's role can shape healthier work cultures, where the focus is on quality over clock-watching, and how we, as individuals and leaders, can create a supportive ecosystem for working parents.

Thanks for listening to The Tightrope! We would greatly appreciate a review and a share if you enjoyed today's episode.

To connect with us further, please reach out to:

Jess Feldt: www.jessfeldtcoaching.com
Daniella Cornue: www.levillagecowork.com

You can also find us on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn!

Chapters

• 0:05 The Trap of Coworker Guilt
• 7:15 Our Values and Expectations Define our Guilt
• 19:03 The Role of Management and Company Culture
• 32:18 Releasing Guilt and Accepting Today

Transcript

Jess Feldt: 0:05

We talk so much about mom guilt, right? This idea of the guilt that we take on when we are mothers because we have all these other things that we feel like we need to be doing and we're not showing up as mothers the way that we either we think we should be or the way that we want to be, right. I think what we talk about not enough, or that we don't acknowledge, is the opposite side of that. For working mothers is coworker guilt, when we used to show up in a certain way at work before we had kids. Or we think there's a certain way we should be showing up now, but because of the responsibilities that we have at home as mothers, we can't, and so we feel guilty to our coworkers. We feel guilty that we can't show up the way that we want to at work, and I think it's just as important for us to acknowledge that as we do this other side, this mom guilt.

Daniella Cornue: 1:12

Hello to all of our exhausted and exhilarated working parents and welcome to the Tightrope, a show about balancing career, motherhood and everything in between.

Jess Feldt: 1:23

We are your hosts, Daniella Cornue and Jess Feldt, and in today's show, we are going to be talking about coworker guilt, which is the complete opposite of mom guilt.

Daniella Cornue: 1:44

All right, so we're talking about coworker guilt today, which I guess there's no information about this, Jess. So tell me like what is co.? Because I was like okay, I mean I shouldn't say like I've heard the phrase before, I've heard of it, yeah, but you told me about this and I was like I'm going to find some stats and some details around this so I can you know what and I couldn't find anything about it except by the article. Your article was the only thing that came up about it.

Jess Feldt: 2:12

Yeah, so if anyone ever wants to go to Google and Google coworker guilt, you're not going to find anything except for my article which I think is really fun I think is really fun.

Jess Feldt: 2:24

I don't think I have the number one search hit on anything, but now I know I have the number one search hit on coworker guilt, which I mean, hey, yeah, I actually think it's really interesting how I ended up writing about this topic, because this article is actually from two years ago and I had been doing a lot of coaching of new moms going back to work.

Jess Feldt: 2:48

I still do that coaching work today, but I was noticing a trend in our conversations that, while mom guilt comes up a lot in conversations with new moms right, this idea of I feel guilty that I'm not spending as much time with my children as I should because I have work responsibilities I was actually seeing a lot of the opposite of new moms who had gone back to work and were saying you know what? I actually feel really guilty, that I can't spend more time at work or that I can't show up for work the way that I used to because I also have family responsibilities at home. Yeah, and I was like, yeah, I totally understand that side and you're right, nobody's talking about this side of the guilt. No one's talking about this side of I think what it really comes down to is that identity transition that happens when you become a mother and when you're going back to work and reprioritizing and retaking a look at all of the values that had really led you and your behaviors prior to becoming a mom.

Daniella Cornue: 3:55

Yeah, I mean I think that the identity shift that happens we talk about this often with our new moms that started Le Village is that what used to fly is not going to fly, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. You are fine, just the way that you are. You are not the same person that you were before you had children, and being able to let go of that person a little bit and be comfortable with the newer version of yourself is part of being a mother. We focus so much on having children and being their diet and their this, and I mean we color code their poops for sobbing out loud. We spend very little time focused on ourselves and focused on the changes that happen to us after we become mothers, and part of that means that the capacity that you have, the buckets that you fill, are different because the buckets are different. You can't be the same thing because all the buckets are different.

Daniella Cornue: 5:00

This was an exercise that you did with me that I really appreciated and enjoyed was like do a pie graph of your life. Do a pie graph of your life. But I think about that as we. I was thinking about that as we come into this episode the pie graph of my life before I had my daughter and now. The pie graph of my life now is different. Of course, I'm not showing up in the same way, right, right.

Jess Feldt: 5:26

But the difference is or maybe not the difference, that's probably the wrong word here the impact of this is our pie charts look different, right? I love this metaphor, that of this exercise. The pie chart of my life looks different pre kids and post kids. But that doesn't necessarily mean my expectations have changed or that I have appreciated or acknowledged that expectations might need to change. And that's where we end up falling into a bit of the trap of guilt.

Jess Feldt: 5:56

Yeah, yeah, because if you think about it and this applies for all guilt, right, mom guilt, coworker guilt, partner guilt right, all guilt is an innate human instinct that we have, that we have for good, for survival, right? It's that feeling that we have in us that says, hey, you did something wrong, don't do that anymore Now, just. And we want that feeling, because it's the feeling that makes us like social creatures. Like, hey, you feel guilty because you robbed that bank, maybe don't rob that bank again, right, like we want that feeling to be there. That's like a productive sense of guilt. The expectation is you don't steal from others to be a part of the social community. I feel bad if I steal from others, so this makes the sense of guilt, makes me not want to do that anymore. Right, then we get to unproductive guilt.

Daniella Cornue: 6:52

Yes, isn't that the best kind?

Jess Feldt: 6:56

That's like the kind that you get from your mother and that's the kind that you get from society, sometimes Kind of guilt that we get from yourself, right, that we get from ourself. And I think that's where we see these traps of like mom guilt and co-worker guilt. And it is really when you have a value over, an expectation of the way something should look like and you can't fulfill that or you feel like you've done something to violate that and so you feel really bad and Terrible about it. Yeah, what makes it unproductive is you can't fix it.

Daniella Cornue: 7:33

Well, because there's nothing broken in it and I think that that's the difficult part for For women and for men, you know, and for fathers as well, right, like I think that there needs to be a reckoning, like you need to give yourself, you have to reestablish yourself, you know, I I really think that I think the people that we tell ourselves that we are supposed to be that is, I Think are the biggest thing I wish that people would let go. It's okay to have ambitions and goals and things that you Want for your life. I am very, truly an ambitious person. I am not perfect at this. I'm probably one of the worst people at this, honestly, but one of the things that I work and I have been working on, frankly, sense, my motherhood. I t was just like you've got to let go of the person that you thought you were gonna be, because that person is gonna constantly change and evolve, and Isn't that fun, isn't that amazing Like, isn't that cool that we are?

Daniella Cornue: 8:41

wouldn't it be boring if we just state the same forever like and so just trying to, I Sit with that you know and sit with this new version of ourselves, I think after we have children is something that I think people have a really hard time with but I think would go a long way on that journey of of Letting go of that guilt.

Jess Feldt: 9:16

And I think that is the crux of it, right is the expectations or the values of that you think you might be violating in that? And I mean, I can think about it. When I was in my consulting job prior to quitting and starting my own company, I absolutely felt this coworker guilt because I worked at a firm that was very culture forward. Right, a lot of extras you volunteer in quotes, right, like it's part of your job but you're not getting paid extra for it. You volunteer your time for after hours and different clubs and ERGs and all of the things. And when you did that it meant that you were a good employee. Right, that you were giving that extra in your time, in your commitment, and when you did that you were seen as a really good employee. You were seen as a team player and because of the way the world consulting works, the more people you know and the more people that think that you're a good team player, the better projects that you get staffed on and the better opportunities that you get, and so all of that really rolled together.

Jess Feldt: 10:28

And then I was faced with it. When I came back from attorney leave, I was like wait a minute. I don't have time for extras right now and I had to confront that a bit and I felt guilty. So I was like, wait a minute. Does that mean I'm no longer a team player? Does that mean I'm no longer embedded in the culture here? Am I going to lose the relationships that I have? Am I no longer going to be seen as a good employee? Yeah, and it really made me feel guilty when I had to leave. I mean, honestly, I had to leave it like 430 to go pick up my son for daycare without getting penalized like a dollar a minute and I really felt terrible about that.

Daniella Cornue: 11:05

Right, Because you want to be that person you want to like. Yes, I know, you know. I saw something recently again where it was like talking about millennial, like millennials at work, and just the way that we've been programmed, that all of our worth is placed into how hard we try and how much work we put in right, that's the way we're programmed as a generation, and then you tack that right into here where it's. You know. Oh, you're not trying your hardest in this area. Therefore, you are less than I think that I was like oh, that's me, that's totally me. I mean, I worked in sales and marketing, right, it's a very social situation.

Daniella Cornue: 11:47

You know, the expectation of being at happy hours and being at, you know, just yeah, golf events and all this. You know it's supposed to be quote unquote fun and it was in its time, but the problem is is that all of that stuff happens outside of you know, our, our expectations of the work hours Exactly and I was like I can't do this and be the mom that I want to be. I don't have enough of me to put in both of these pie slices.

Jess Feldt: 12:18

Right. So then you're getting coworker guilt and you're getting mom guilt both.

Daniella Cornue: 12:23

Yeah, I mean, and I feel like too. Like I think some people really mourn this. You know, they mourn this part like this and they feel bad about it. I never really felt bad about it. Just I really I I was like you guys don't get it. I worked in a very young office, so like I was the very first person to get pregnant in the office and I was like, and this like I, they were so sweet.

Daniella Cornue: 13:09

Yeah, like I'm just like I don't know I can't go get wasted at six o'clock because I got to go pick my kid up from daycare. Like what a life. You know. The thing is is like all in time right. Everything was in time. There's to every season I had that. I had that fun life and it was great and I gave my all to my job and that's not my life anymore and I'm not I had about it. You can be bad about this loss of this person that you used to be, or you can be like and you know what, I got this other thing right. You know I'm living the life that people work for.

Jess Feldt: 13:44

And I think that's, that's the like, that's the reevaluation of values, right, like that's the reevaluation of expectations. And I I'm not sure I ever actually came to terms with that and when I was still in, you know, airquotes corporate, because I ended up leaving and deciding that this actually didn't align with me anymore. So maybe I did. I decided to choose not to feel guilty about that and that I choose to quit and start my own business.

Jess Feldt: 14:13

But I think there could have been another path, right, I think there very much could have been another path where I said I am no going, I'm no longer going to believe that if I can't participate in these extras it makes me a bad employee, right, and as long as I believe that and I am satisfied and fulfilled with the effort that I can give, right, then I no longer feel like I'm violating anything, I no longer feel like I am, I am doing something wrong and I no longer feel guilty for this.

Daniella Cornue: 14:44

Well, and I think there's so many things that people you know, honestly, just like if I had stayed, what could I have changed for those young women that I worked with I worked with a lot of they were just getting married. You know, I was like eight years ahead of them. Basically, you know they're getting married, they're just starting their lives, they're starting their families, and I got out because I was like I don't belong here. Nobody, I don't fit in here. Somebody has to be the spark that creates that change.

Daniella Cornue: 15:16

What if I, what if I had hadn't left? What if I had stayed and created a mom's group for them because I had gone through it and had been that person? You know they think there's. You know, maybe you're not able to show up at work the way that you used to show up right, because you have different obligations, but I would think you know what other ways can you show up that make that feeling feel less. I think the key here is that management buys into those things too, because if all they care about is if their only culture that they've built is around happy hours and clubs, they're only, they're not building culture around. They're building culture around one type of employee.

Jess Feldt: 16:05

Yeah, and it's not just about like the extras in the culture, it's about even being able to say like, hey, let me work on weekends to finish this project right. Maybe before I would have said yes, and now I can't, and do I feel guilty about that. Or am I going to reevaluate what I thought I might have been doing wrong and say, no, I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm holding my boundaries, I'll do it when I have time and that still makes me a good you know a good employee, which would be the, I think you would say the productive use of the guilt and turning it into something positive. Or am I going to spiral into it and get stuck in that trap of guilt that is not useful or healthy or productive for anyone?

Daniella Cornue: 16:46

Well and again, like, I think that, like there's so much from a management standpoint, from a cor, you know that corporate could do better at this stuff. Right For for working parents because creating. You know why does it matter the timeframe in which this stuff is getting done? I still don't understand this. I run a small business and I know that stuff needs to get done. I, yeah, I buy into all of this, but why does it matter how, when, what, where? I don't understand that. Like, who cares? Is it done? Is the project done? Is the work done? Is it quality? Is the caliber okay? You know, again, feeding into some of this poisonous rhetoric around, you know it has to be nine to five, it has to be the why. Who said that We've proven, we've now proven that that's not a thing.

Jess Feldt: 17:37

So what you're identifying here is is that there's guilt, which is a personal perception, right, that only really I can control whether I feel guilty or not about something. But there's also the systemic element that we live in that shapes what our expectations and our values are right 100%.

Daniella Cornue: 17:55

Yes.

Jess Feldt: 17:56

And that's leadership or management within an organization doing to help shape those values and expectations so that that person does not even like consider falling into that trap of. I feel guilty about this because the expectations, or, you know, the boundaries, has been set very clearly in a very healthy and productive way.

Daniella Cornue: 18:16

Well, yeah. So again, like if it guilt comes from culture, right. Like if the cultural you've you said it already like the cultural expectation is X Y Z. Who sets the culture, Corporate sets the culture, bosses set the culture. So like if you're setting the culture to be X Y Z, then that's, you know what you're going to get, and people that feel like they fall outside of that is, you know, going to create that, the poison that you're talking about. But if you create a different type of culture, maybe you get just as much work and just as much, you know commitment exactly, and you actually stop having the turnover turnover that you're having.

Jess Feldt: 18:56

Yeah, because people buy in. Yeah, now we started talking about this a little bit before we officially started recording that. You have a I'm going to say a different perspective a bit on coworker guilt, because you are the owner, you are management, Dani.

Daniella Cornue: 19:11

I am management and so maybe that's why I think about it too, because it's like, well, now it's my responsibility, for my team, to create what that culture is. And it's not perfect because, again, like I run a business in which you do have to be present. This is not a remote job. We're running, you know, we have classrooms, we have it's an in-person situation, right, but where the grace and the flexibility is built in, that's like really where it's at. That's the stuff that's sprinkled in.

Daniella Cornue: 19:41

You know, it's like we don't have after work happy hours because everybody just wants to go home and get there. You know, like, get dinner on the table. We respect that. We know that people have lives outside of work. We understand that people have obligations. If you are a full-time employee and then something happens, you need to go part-time, that's okay with us. You're not fired, you're not less than you're, not any of that. Like, take the out, work the hours that you need to create the life that you want, and we value that. We stand behind that.

Daniella Cornue: 20:17

And so I think that, like I create the type of workplace that I would hope to work in, and it's, again, not perfect, but I try really hard at that. You know your kids, your kids sick, that happens, let me know the night before. That's like my big let me know the night before because sub the day off is nearly possible. So if you're like, ooh, this is going to go sour fast, like it's the sooner I know, the better, right, call me in the middle of the night, I'd rather know, you know. So creating those, that culture of acceptance, is something that.

Jess Feldt: 20:49

I've done yeah, and has to be paired with the individual then allowing themselves to not feel guilt. Right, it is, it's like, it's comes together. It has to be the individual and, hopefully, the culture, the environment that have to kind of work together for that Cause. You can create the culture all you want, but if you have someone that is like but this is what it means to be a good employee, and if I can't do this, then I feel guilty, like you can't change that. You can try, yeah, you can't change that.

Daniella Cornue: 21:19

It's really hard. I think that, especially in this environment, so much of their guilt doesn't. It's not about management, it's about showing up for each other and I think that that's really, I think, probably for a lot of people, not just in our environment. It's not just your boss, it's showing up for your team and pulling your weight on your team and feeling that capacity. I think that that's really challenging for people as well.

Jess Feldt: 21:48

So how does it show up for you as a business owner?

Daniella Cornue: 21:51

I mean, I'm where the buck stops, right, like, or whatever the phrase is the buck ends with me, and so I, you know, I see it show up in things like I will get up really again.

Daniella Cornue: 22:02

My hours are crazy always because I am a working mom and because I do create my own schedule and because I feel like it.

Daniella Cornue: 22:08

You know, and this is what my gift is, but, like today, I literally started working at 6am. I'm probably going to cut out early, but part of me feels guilty because my staff is still working and so I feel like I should still be working, even though I was working far before they were all up and logged in and at the office and doing anything, right. So I think that, like again, just kind of going back to the way that we're programmed, probably from all the way from school on yeah, like, but this is the hours and it's not five o'clock yet and you should still be doing stuff, and your team is going to think that you're lazy or that you don't prioritize them if you're not actually showing up in this exact specific way. Right, I have to not go of that because I'm going to burn myself out too Last episode, you know, and I don't want to be burnout and I'm not a very good boss in that way. Anyways.

Jess Feldt: 23:04

So it's so funny that you say that I am a, I'm a business of one, and I actually still feel that at times if I finish early but my husband is still working, we don't even work together, but we both work from home, so we're both kind of aware of when the other is working. Right, why should I feel guilty if I cut out a couple hours early and he's still working? We don't work together, we don't have the same job, we don't have different things, but it is almost built and programmed that like, well, you should be working until five o'clock and if you're not working until five o'clock, then you should feel guilty, because that must mean that you were not doing enough 100%.

Daniella Cornue: 23:45

It's like I don't, yeah, like I kind of find myself doing, yeah, it's like you hide it, Don't tell anybody, I'm going to go. I'm going to go, you know, finish the day at the coffee shops that I can, like, turn my Netflix on in peace, you know.

Jess Feldt: 23:59

Like absolutely and it's so arbitrary to some extent. Right, I am not doing anything wrong. It is this arbitrary. You work until five o'clock here in the United States and if I don't, I'm doing something wrong and it really kind of takes some confronting that and saying no. Actually, my definition now of being done with work is when I've completed my work, regardless of what time that is and when I can on the, on the times, you know, when I'm able to say that like no, I actually feel really good and productive about what I got done. Today I feel like the things I wanted to get done I did. I can let go of that guilt because I'm not doing anything wrong.

Daniella Cornue: 24:46

Well, and again like it's, for I'm trying to deprogram. I think it sounds like you are too like it's not about how long it takes you to do a task, it is about the task and the quality that needs to get done.

Jess Feldt: 24:57

So because you get stuck in that trap, you're going to get stuck in burnout. You're going to get stuck in doing more and more and more and more and feeling like you never have time for yourself because you don't because you don't exactly, and so I think this idea, so you know it's co-work we've talked about this as co-worker, but it's not just co-work.

Daniella Cornue: 25:15

it's just like people you're like who's watching you, you know, and why is it their business? I was watching, you know, like that's what I mean. It's like you know your husband or your whatever, or you know, God forbid you like I, like we're talking about this right now. I'm like, oh my God, someone's going to hear it and think that I'm lazy.

Jess Feldt: 25:35

Okay, so I got a gym membership this year and our gym has a like cafe co-working area a bit and I will go, and I will go to the gym during the day and I'll plan to work out. But then I'll also take some calls and work from, like the cafe area. And I felt this guilt a little bit yesterday when I was at the gym and I took a call and the client was like oh, how are you doing? Like what's going on? I was like, oh, I'm at the gym, oh, it's 11 o'clock. Should I say that I'm at the gym right now? And I was like, oh, but like there's a co-working space, so I'm taking calls from here. And it's like yeah, I'm allowed to go to the gym in the middle of the day, like there's no reason why I should feel guilty or that I need to put a disclaimer around that.

Daniella Cornue: 26:18

Well, and again, like I think that this is part of it, part of the co-worker guilt and part of this like I busted my ass to be the boss. I worked so hard. I work crazy long hours that are weird on the weekends. In the evenings there is no actual off switch and as the payoff for that, that means that I get to leave at three o'clock on a Friday to take my daughter to gymnastics. I fought for this life to have the flexibility to do these things and yet I feel like I am less valuable as a worker because of these things. You feel like you are less valuable because you did fight for this life to be able to go God forbid and go to the gym for an hour a day for yourself and you carry that, Do you take that?

Daniella Cornue: 27:14

Oh, I must not be a very good employee. I must not be a very good and not even employee, because we're self, we're yourself.

Jess Feldt: 27:20

I must not be a very good business owner.

Daniella Cornue: 27:22

Right, like God, you know, but I think this, like this, is going back to culture as well. From the top down, the United States, culture is hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle, and if you're not hustling hard enough, you must not want it bad enough and you must not. You know, and I just, I don't know how, I don't have, I don't know if you have any advice on this and maybe we'll close this out, but I don't have any advice on how to like pick that apart, except like setting a boundary with yourself and just reminding yourself that like it's just like it's like attendance awards at school yeah, makes me crazy.

Daniella Cornue: 27:55

Well, it makes me bonkers Like congratulations for showing up. How was your grades? How was your experience? How were your friendships? What was the quality of this whole thing? Oh no, but you're you showed up? So in the United States you get a, you get a prize for that. I just, I hate that.

Jess Feldt: 28:14

I hope they don't do those anymore. I think they still do, jess, oh, that makes me cringe, but you're right. And what made me laugh about that? Two things, because I'll say this comment and then I'll get to, like what can we do about it? How do you kind of begin to tear that down, which is, I think, we all share that same guilt where, if someone says, oh, like, how's work going? If your answer is not busy, like what are you doing, right? Like, I think we all feel really guilty if we're not like, oh, you know, it's slammed, work is really busy right now.

Daniella Cornue: 28:45

I'm under water.

Jess Feldt: 28:46

Right, like, I almost think there's like a badge of honor somehow around saying that, and if you're not saying that, then that must mean that you're not working hard enough, which leads to this, I think like guilt in a certain way, but I think to the to answer the question of what do we do about that, then I think it really goes back to identifying what is the expectation or the value that you think you are violating and then really confronting that.

Jess Feldt: 29:16

Because I think if we were to really confront that, we'd say like no, I actually don't believe that, or that doesn't work for me anymore. Right, like, if I believe that the only way for me to be considered a good employee is for me to do all of these extras and I can't do that anymore, then I'm going to feel guilt about it until I can rectify it. But if I can confront that and say actually no, I don't think that that's the only way for me to be a good employee, because I can be a good employee by doing X, y and Z that I can do, then I can release the guilt.

Daniella Cornue: 29:50

And I think that, yeah, like envisioning your life the way that you really want it to be and re-envisioning it right, because your expectations change. I think I, you know, maybe once a year people should do this Like what is my perfect life? Look like this year, and I think that that will help quite a bit with that. Again, how do you like I'm a visual person, so I guess visualizing it helps for me Because, like saying like, well, what are my values? That feels like a really big question for me to like really totally unpack.

Jess Feldt: 30:26

I mean, I've done a version of this in a lot of different contexts, so if I were to imagine is probably some version of like draw a picture of like you said.

Jess Feldt: 30:35

Like draw a picture of your perfect life or draw a picture of who you see yourself as right. I do this a lot with identity work and then it's really like take note of what's not there, like probably when you were drawing this picture of your ideal life, of who you see as who you are, like what you appreciate about yourself. There's certain things that you can take note of that aren't there, that are missing, and what does that mean for you? Like, if spending extra hours and time and commitment and being stressed is not there in your picture of your ideal world which I would hope it is not, no, judgement, I mean, if it is, but this is your ideal, then what does that mean for your day to day, right? What does that mean in the way that you are showing up? And you could do that in a couple different ways what is in your picture, what's not in your picture? What do you notice about this? But I do think it's really telling on what is actually important to us, right?

Daniella Cornue: 31:30

Yeah, because I think that when I was 20, god, I don't know 25, I think the most important thing for I was like I just I wanted to succeed, I wanted to excel, I wanted to be the best, I wanted to be respected and I wanted to be you know, and I wanted to make money and I wanted to buy a house and I wanted to feel secure. That was you know. And so how did I get to these things? I felt like I was like you just got to kill it at work, right. That was like that was my life, that was my identity. I think if I would draw that now, it's very deep. Like I have the house, right. I have the security, I am married. I did you know. So, like, why do I need to show? Why do I need to hustle at work?

Daniella Cornue: 32:23

Why do I have to be that person in that capacity and it's okay to let other people again if that's your co workers life and they're, that's where they're at.

Jess Feldt: 32:33

When they're the 25 year old, let them be the 25 year old.

Daniella Cornue: 32:37

Let them live that life. Yes, go with God, go with God and live that life.

Jess Feldt: 32:43

But that's not my life anymore, and that you know, and that's okay, right, and maybe it will be again, right, maybe once our kids get older or go off to college and you're like I have found this like second wind, right, great, it's okay to be like right now. That's not me, all right. So I think I think that's our takeaway, which is really being able to envision who are you, what do you appreciate? What's important to you right now? Maybe you draw a picture, maybe you do something right, journal, do something. But if there is a part of you that's feeling guilty about that ideal vision or about what you want, really taking a look and saying what am I, what do I feel like I'm doing wrong and that's usually where the conflict of values is coming from and then confronting that head on and saying, well, if that's not working for me, then what does? Let me?

Daniella Cornue: 33:37

release that guilt and stop worrying about everybody else. Yeah, that that is my like. Other takeaway is like you cannot live their lives and they cannot live yours, and it is. You know, it's okay to want genuinely to show up in the best way, and if you're not showing up in the best way, I think that that is a different conversation, right?

Jess Feldt: 34:00

If you're like productive guilt, right If? I don't think I am doing. I might have actually doing something wrong and I've given up showing up to work at all, Then maybe that's something that needs to be addressed.

Daniella Cornue: 34:13

Right, right. But if you are, you know, at the end of the day, like, are you pulling your weight? Well, and if you can't do it exactly the way that everybody else is doing it because of the phase of the life that you're in, then you have to be okay with that. And if the problem is really a cultural problem at work, where you're a part of a company that doesn't value the actual output of what you are doing versus the way that you're getting it done, then maybe you're not at a good place. Yeah, that has the right culture for the life and the phase that you're in and you need to find a better place that will support that, because they are out there.

Jess Feldt: 34:54

Yeah. There are places that support that.

Daniella Cornue: 34:57

That is a whole other conversation, girl that is.

Jess Feldt: 35:02

All right, this is career, motherhood and everything in between. Dani, what is your everything in between? What is not, what is going on for you that has nothing to do with your work and nothing to do with your family?

Daniella Cornue: 35:15

Oh, I have been cooking more. What's your favorite thing? I started making bread. Did I talk about this last episode? I can't remember. I started making bread. I like to make bread. It's very rewarding. It's like you put in a little time and it comes off with this little loaf and it just smells good. It makes me feel like a good mom. I don't know why it makes me feel like I'm, like I'm a freaking amazing. I make bread for sobbing out loud. I don't. It doesn't mean that you have to make bread to be a good mom. I'm just saying it's such a funny thing I'm like every time I make that's how I feel. I'm, like I'm a fucking amazing mom.

Jess Feldt: 35:56

You are Bread aside, you are my. Everything in between is I am still reading Outlander. I think this is like the third time, but I am on book number nine. In each book it's like a thousand pages, so I am almost I am so close to the end that any time that I have that a spare that is not spent on work or on parenting, I am reading almost to maybe an obsessive level.

Daniella Cornue: 36:28

I love it. You got everybody's got to have something like you know yourself that time. Thank you all so much for joining us today on the tightrope. We know you really are juggling a thousand things and it means a lot to us that you listen in. If you liked this episode, make sure you follow and subscribe to us on your favorite streaming networks and, of course, if you know a mom that needs to hear this or a dad or anybody else, share us. Join us next time as we talk about fertility and pregnancy and how that affects how you show up at work.

Jess Feldt: 37:10

In this podcast we talk so much about post pregnancy right and how we show up as mothers when we have our newborns and we have our toddlers at home, but that journey and its impact on us as women start so much earlier from even this idea of wanting to start a family to then pregnancy and all of that also impacts the way that we show up at work and it's almost taboo to talk about. It is something that so many women in our workplaces are probably going through, but silently.

Daniella Cornue: 37:50

That's next time, so until then, just put one foot in front of the other. Thanks, guys.