Family Disappeared

From Pain to Purpose: New Year Intentions for Overcoming Parental Alienation - Episode 74

• Lawrence Joss

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In this New Year's episode of the Family Disappeared podcast, Lawrence Joss reflects on the past year, discussing personal growth, community support, and the journey of reconnecting with children affected by parental alienation. Guests share their experiences of acceptance, forgiveness, and the importance of setting intentions for the new year, emphasizing the need for patience and self-compassion in the healing process. In this conversation, participants reflect on their intentions for the New Year, emphasizing the importance of setting personal goals, the healing power of writing, and the significance of building connections with family. They discuss the challenges of acceptance in relationships, the joy of community, and the value of service as a means of personal growth. The dialogue highlights the emotional complexities of family dynamics and the shared journey of recovery, culminating in a hopeful outlook for the future.

Key Takeaways

  • Community support is vital during challenging times.
  • Personal growth often comes from acceptance of difficult situations.
  • Reconnecting with children requires patience and understanding.
  • Forgiveness is a nuanced part of emotional recovery.
  • Setting intentions can help guide personal growth in the new year.
  • It's important to acknowledge both the joys and struggles of parenting.
  • Practicing self-compassion can lead to a richer life experience.
  • Engaging in lighthearted activities can balance serious recovery work.
  • Building a supportive community can foster healing and connection.
  • Recognizing the blessings in life can shift focus from loss to gratitude. Setting goals can create balance in life.
  • Writing can be a powerful tool for healing.
  • Journaling helps process emotions and experiences.
  • Creating connections is essential for emotional well-being.
  • Acceptance is key in navigating family relationships.
  • Service to others can provide a sense of purpose.
  • Embracing joy and community enhances recovery.
  • It's important to allow space for all emotions.
  • Modeling acceptance can positively influence children.
  • Finding joy in simple activities can uplift spirits.


LINKS FOR PREVIOUS THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS PODCASTS:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvS8LXhLs3w&list=PLXKmbDpvEQfXvYyjv88EZIkhDJZtGT8h2&index=18

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GirAtZbHciI&list=PLXKmbDpvEQfXvYyjv88EZIkhDJZtGT8h2&index=19

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlzMvk29zYo&list=PLXKmbDpvEQfXvYyjv88EZIkhDJZtGT8h2&index=

This podcast is made possible by the Family Disappeared Team:
Anna Johnson- Editor/Contributor/Activist/Co-host
Glaze Gonzales- Podcast Manager

Connect with Lawrence Joss:
Website: https://parentalalienationanonymous.com/
Email- familydisappeared@gmail.com




This podcast is made possible by the Family Disappeared Team:
Anna Johnson- Editor/Contributor/Activist/Co-host
Glaze Gonzales- Podcast Manager

Connect with Lawrence Joss:
Website: https://parentalalienationanonymous.com/
Email- familydisappeared@gmail.com

Speaker 1:

And sometimes it's hard to see all this stuff that I do have, because there's this other stuff I feel like I don't have. There was a time in my life when I was overwhelmed and underwater. Those days are the inspiration for this podcast. This is by far the ultimate healing journey for all of us. Healing ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically is paramount to this journey. From this place of grounding we can all go out into the world and change all our interactions and relationships. We can engage people from an integrated and resourced place. This is a journey of coming home to ourselves. In today's episode we'll start to explore some of these issues. Let's begin the healing journey today. Welcome to the Family Disappeared Podcast. Hi all, my name is Lawrence Joss and welcome to the Family Disappeared Podcast. It's New Year's and this is a New Year's show. This is our first time doing this. We will talk about what's changed over the year and what we have to look forward to in this coming year. What were some victories, what are some struggles, what are our hopes for this coming year and, if you're new to the community, welcome. If you're struggling over the holidays, we have a wonderful free 12-step program Parental Alienation Anonymous. There's a link in the show notes if you'd like to drop by and check that out. It's a wonderful, supportive, loving community and for me it's paramount during the holidays to have access to people, to meetings, to support. Yeah, otherwise I don't know how I'd get through some of this stuff and as the years go on and changes and gets easier. But I highly suggest you connecting with people and finding a support group locally, something that fits your need, or just jump on, zoom and come out and play with us a little bit. There's a couple meetings every single day and, yeah, and it's very cool, today we have three parents that are going to be on the panel just talking about new year's, what it looks like, and, yeah, what are some of their victories, what are some of the things that they'd like to see over the course of the next year, and it's great to have you out here for a couple minutes. There's the Family Hope Project, which is in the show notes. If you want to contribute some kind of art to express where you are on your journey. We have a wonderful website with a bunch of resources and a bunch of other great stuff in the show notes. And that's enough out of me. Let's just see what people have to say about New Year's. Let's jump on in.

Speaker 1:

New Year's was always interesting for me. I used to call my grandfather, who was such a pivotal role in my life and his name was Freddy, and I used to call him on New Year's and just let him know about the year and what was going on, and I just used to cry a lot. I remember doing that and I think the reason that I did that that during the course of the year I couldn't really appreciate all the wonderful things that happened, and at New Year's, like I got to take stock of what had happened and this year too, like I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if anything would change in my life and my relationship with my kids has changed drastically and, more importantly, my relationship with myself has changed drastically. I've really learned a lot about being patient this year and stepping back and other areas of myself that I couldn't see, that were so wrapped up in parental alienation, those areas that just felt dead, you know. And this year has been really a year of expansiveness. I've moved to Northern California and I have the four seasons for the first time in my life and playing in snow and hiking in rivers and lakes and how cool is that? You know life is hard and yet there's all this expansiveness and this beautiful stuff and and happy New Year's to everyone.

Speaker 1:

And let's jump into the show and see what all the parents have to say about New Year's victories, what's coming up, what the hopes are and, yeah, I hope you enjoy the show.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back everyone. And this is going to be our first year doing a new year's eve intention setting new year's eve podcast. I'm just reflecting back on what the year has provided for us and, uh, once again we have our three wonderful guests. We got julie and anna and steven and I'm gonna ask everyone to qualify in a second. And for anyone new to the podcast, qualifying is really just introducing ourselves to the community and at all our 12-step meetings we introduce ourselves at the beginning of each meeting just to get to know each other a little bit and understand where everyone is kind of like, sitting on the continuum of parental alienation, estrangement, erasure, and whether you're a parent, grandparent, child, everyone kind of gets to share where they're at on their own journey. So if you could please say a quick hello and introduce yourself and qualify for everyone, that would be wonderful, and we will start with you first, julie.

Speaker 2:

Hi, I'm Julie. I am the mom of a 15-year-old boy that I've been alienated from for two years. I lost him in a court battle, but I have started to regain time with him. I'm starting to get time every week, and that started over the summer and I am also the stepmom to a 22 year old who we've heard very little from in two years.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for that, julian. Just asking a quick follow up question. You're starting to get some time with your son and starting to spend a little bit of time together, and I see that big smile on your face and tell us a tiny little bit about that. Like, how is that feeling in your body? What's that looking like in your life?

Speaker 2:

I mean it's great, it's hard. You feel like you're walking on eggshells. You know you're terrified of what could happen, but for the most part he's the same little boy that I've been raising and I'm getting to partake more and more in his life and go to the play productions where he's worked backstage, and just share in his daily triumphs and struggles. You know there was a while there when he was alienated, that his father actually blocked me on his phone entirely. So to have zero connection with your 13-year-old was really tough. And he still doesn't like to text me when he's at his dad's house. He likes to make a totally clean separation between the two houses. But at least I get to connect with him every week and I pick him up from school and he sits down in the car and tells me what's been going on in the days that I've missed, and those are the best moments of my week every week.

Speaker 1:

That sounds beautiful, julie. I'm super, super excited for you and for him. That sounds like a wonderful beginning to a new chapter of a story and I love that. You said it's great and it's hard, because just when we reconnect with our kids, I think is the work Not being connected is super hard and challenging and a different kind of work, but the real work is reconnecting and acknowledging that alienation is still there and it's still in the other car seat. Maybe it's in the backseat, but it's still there. It's still part of the inertia and part of the conversation and it's awesome that you acknowledge the hardness. So thank you for that and, stephen, good to see you again. Can you go ahead and qualify and introduce yourself to the community and can you go ahead and qualify and introduce yourself to the community?

Speaker 3:

Sure, hi, I'm Steven and I'm a dad to five kids total. I have a 27-year-old high-functioning, autistic son that I have full contact with. I have an alienated, estranged daughter who's married and 25, who I've had limited contact with since she was 13. I have a 19-year-old son who I'm alienated from for about three years now, and then I have two stepdaughters who I have full contact with and they are 17 and 15. So we've got a big, big group, all different stages of life, and it's all wonderful and pretty awesome.

Speaker 3:

And I've had some more recent contact with my 19-year-old son, both in person. This year I think I've seen him four times and we are now communicating by text, which is a relatively new development. And my daughter, this past Father's Day, wrote me a Father's Day card for the first time in eight years. I told her that I was able to get together whenever she felt was a good, you know, was the right time for her, and she declined at this time and said that she was currently working on forgiveness and I said that's okay and I appreciate the effort and the work that goes into doing that work and I'm here and available whenever you're ready. So.

Speaker 1:

Well, thank you for the introduction and just asking your daughter to connect and being on her pace and her cadence and her saying no, I think it's a wonderful part of parenting that she's having a boundary and she's saying I'm working on forgiveness and there is communication and maturity happening.

Speaker 1:

So that fills my heart with a lot of hope that that was really beautiful. Not optimal, not what we tell ourselves in our head, but no less beautiful. And I noticed something different about the way you qualified today, stephen, where you're qualifying about having five kids and I think, if I'm correct, in the past you were only qualifying about having three kids and not including your stepkids. And I just bring this up because I know for me I get so lost and sucked into alienation and the thoughts and the feelings and the fear and the anxiety that I don't actually take a full view of my whole life and all the wonderful kids and stepkids and all these other things that are happening in my life. So I just want to acknowledge and say thank you for bringing the stepkids into it and that's got to feel really good to actually embrace your whole life and not just the places. You're feeling a lot of contraction.

Speaker 3:

It does. I had the experience long before alienation. My my oldest son is a surviving twin, and so when I would get questions, people would say, well, how many people this was before I had stepdaughters. People would say, well, how many people do you have in your family? And it's that question that all well, do I have three, do I have four? To me, I have four, but I only have three living. And I think most people in our community feel that sometimes, when they're asked, you know where are your kids, or how many kids do you have? And that's a brutal question sometimes, because people see you with either none of your kids or one of your kids and they're like well, you say you have four, where are the other three? And so I have chosen, as I move forward and sometimes I forget this but to acknowledge that I have all of these children and they're all my children, in different forms, step not step. Alienated not alienated. That feels good to me, it feels honest and it feels honoring, and then if people have questions they can ask, I guess.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's very cool. And I was at some kind of dance event and I pulled like one of those cards that you look at and it was a something of wine and like different glasses of wine are represented and in front of this on this card, like two glasses that are like spilt over, you know, which are kind of like the alienation, the estrangement, the erasure, and that's kind of like the focus. And as I was reading about what the card was, it's like, hey, and you have a full glass of wine too. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes it's hard to see all this stuff that I do have, because there's this other stuff that I feel like I don't have and I just I love the five kids and and that's what recovery is is like, oh, and I have this too and this is going on and I can acknowledge this. I just don't have to get stuck in just the loss and the pain and the contraction, cause I'm not a useful parent when I do that with contact or with no context. So again, I want to say thank you for that, stephen, and Anna, if you can introduce yourself to the community please, that would be wonderful.

Speaker 4:

Hi everyone. I'm Anna. I am the parent of a 21-year-old son and a 20-year-old son. I've had no contact with them for coming up for eight years now, and I was just thinking as people were introducing themselves. I'm excited to talk about New Year's intentions, and that hasn't always been the case for me, and I think I haven't wanted to talk about New Year because part of me wanted to stay in the pain and I felt like if I stayed in that space, I was I don't even know how to describe it, but it was like I've had to let go of that relationship that I had with my kids, but also the relationship I had with myself. So it feels really exciting to talk about looking forward instead of staying stuck in the past. I just wanted to share that, say that out loud. It feels good.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, thank you for that. And you also said, like this idea of staying in the pain, right, and like it's familiar. And I know for me like I like the feeling of the pain, like that sounds wonky, but it's familiar, I know what to expect. Sometimes I like to lather it on and just feel it and have that self-pity and stuckness because it is familiar. And sometimes moving into recovery and actually doing stuff on my own volition feels super uncomfortable because I think I'm supposed to stay in the pain and stay in the suffering and stay in the missing and I love my kids and I miss them and, as we've said before, like it's both. And now I don't need to just be the pain.

Speaker 1:

And I'm going to read a wonderful quote for everyone out there that this is going to just be tantalizing. So be careful, be ready. Hope you have a seatbelt on. And here it goes. It says when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. You know, when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. You know, when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. And that really speaks to me with parental alienation. I felt really stuck. I thought I really really had to change this, fix it, make it okay, and there was no space for change, there was no space for creativity, there's no space for anything, because the journey for me is really being about working on myself, and the more I work on myself, the more my world opens up and my relationships change with my kids and everyone else in my life.

Speaker 1:

And just to qualify, my name's Lawrence. I'm an alienated father and grandfather. I have three daughters a 30-year-old that it's been about nine years with no contact. I have a 27-year-old that it was about six years, but we have been connecting for the last month or so and I'm super excited about that and to see what happens with that, and uh had access to a bunch of pictures from my grandkids, which uh is super cool, super fun.

Speaker 1:

I actually got to send a couple gifts out and I did ask for consent and permission to be able to do that, just to make sure that I was honoring my daughter's boundaries and what she felt comfortable with. So that was super fun and I have regular contact with my youngest daughter and I'm super excited to be here to have this conversation with everyone about like New Year's, and let's start off like what are two or three things from this last year that you can identify and acknowledge were some substantial changes or shifts, or just maybe it's pleasure, maybe it's joy. What are a couple of things from this past year that you can really say, wow, that's different, that's cool. That's something I'd like to share with the community, and start with you, stephen.

Speaker 3:

I would say this past year I finally came to a place of acceptance of where things are and I spent a good long time fighting the reality of what I was experiencing because I didn't really I don't think I really wanted to fully experience the pain that was there, and I feel like this year has been a big year of growth and acceptance and joy of the life that I have, rather than thinking about what I don't have or what could have been or what I could have done differently, which we can do that all day long, and I spent a good period of time doing all that. But this has been a big year of acceptance for me in a lot of areas of my life, and so I would say that's one thing, and then I think, secondly, it's been a big year of patience learning to have patience for myself, patience for the alienation situation, patience with my children, even some patience with my ex as time goes on, and that's been really powerful. I tend to have wanted to which I know I've talked to other people in our community that you get a text or a message, man, you just feel this immediate urge that you have to respond quickly and answer something with an immediate response and I've really been able this year to really step back with patience for myself and patience just for what's going on around me and take some time, think, reflect, and then when I have patience for myself and patience for other, I'm a much better human being. And so I would say those are the probably the two big things this year has brought, and then maybe one other is really enjoying what I do have.

Speaker 3:

The alienation for a number of years kind of colored everything that I was experiencing and I had these really wonderful stepdaughters and a really wonderful, high-functioning, autistic son that's so loving and so genuine in spirit and they were in my life and they were available to me. But because my focus was on the difficulty of the situation was in, I think sometimes I didn't really fully see what was available right in front of my eyes, and so I have a much greater appreciation for these wonderful blessings of human beings and my wife that are in my life every day and love me and want to be a part of my life, and that's a really great thing.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for that, stephen, and I heard patience and I heard text messages or messages, emails, and that there's this need to respond incredibly quickly and I love the idea of patience and slowing down and being more intentional and not feeling like this is the only chance, the only time where that comes up.

Speaker 1:

A lot for us and that is very cool. And you also mentioned community and our community, and just for anyone out there that might be dropping in for the first time to the podcast is we have a free 12-step program Parental Alienation Anonymous. There's a link in the show notes if you're interested in building some community and hearing other people that are struggling with similar things and also hearing about a lot of people that are working on themselves and working on recovery and working on finding themselves and integrating some new skills and just changing their path a little bit with some support and some community is what Stephen was alluding to. And love to see you at the meetings if you're ever inclined to drop by, and it's all free. So I just wanted to throw that in there too. And, anna, what are a couple things from this year that you can say, wow, that's really cool, whether it was just an experience or a direct experience you had with your child, or something emotionally, through some other ethereal plane, that you felt with your kids.

Speaker 4:

Thank you, lawrence. Yeah, there's been lots of things. It's hard to pinpoint, but I think one of the pieces that's really standing out for me is from the beginning of my recovery journey and working in the program. I would often hear people talk about slowing down and being kind to yourself. So I had that as an intellectual concept, but I've been really practicing it and when I slow down, I have more energy for other things, compassion for myself and I can feel my curiosity growing when I do that and my ability to be present and I wasn't.

Speaker 4:

I haven't been present for the majority of my life. I don't think so to be able to work at that slower pace and put the workaholism to one side and also put the notion to one side that I have to work in order to take up space in the world I don't want to live that way anymore. I don't want my kids to live that way. So the slow piece is really added to the richness of my life, and it hasn't been easy to do because I want to run like the hamster in the wheel, and a lot of when I did that is that I'm avoiding my emotions, I'm avoiding my feelings, I'm avoiding my life and I'm trying to erase my presence and I really recovery has allowed me to embrace my presence and want to love and be loved, and I can only do that when I'm being slow and considerate. And I need to be slow when I'm having painful moments, and there's certainly painful moments on this journey.

Speaker 4:

But the other piece that came up for me, too, was that I've been working on forgiveness too, because I've had relationships that I have built during the recovery period that have gone off on a path that I maybe wouldn't have wanted them to and they've disintegrated and that's been really painful for me and I've been stepping into spaces thinking I can't deal with another loss. I've had too much loss. I can't do this, and I've been putting voice to that.

Speaker 4:

I've been having conversations around that and really embodying the idea that if I'm having trouble forgiving someone else, what's that aspect of that person, what? How does that reflect in something that's similar in me and and I have these aha moments and think, oh, I can't let go of this particular piece of this relationship because I was looking for something similar in the relationship. So, rather than blaming the other person, I'm more able to turn that back on myself and work on ways to open that up and have the discussions around it and heal that way. And I couldn't do that. It feels like a very nuanced part of my emotional recovery and I couldn't do that if I wasn't working in the program. And again, in terms of being a parent without access, as you like to phrase it, I want to model a richer way of being for my kids. So that means embracing everything, not just the light stuff, and also not just sitting in the dark stuff.

Speaker 4:

It's how does this relate to me and my relationship with myself. So there's a lot of deepening that's gone on in the journey this year, which is awesome to say.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for that, anna, and I really like the idea of slowing down. And you also said something that really touched me this idea of trying to go really, really fast to kind of like erase yourself from the world and just a way of probably just bypassing your emotions and feelings, and you don't have to really be present with anything if you move fast enough, and in doing that you really miss your whole life. So I really love that you're taking time to enjoy the Anna that I really enjoy. So that's super sweet. And what about you, julie? What are a couple seminal moments, experiences from this past year for you?

Speaker 2:

I think, when I reflect, I have been bad about. I mean, I'm a flaky person and I'm not good at showing up consistently, and even when it comes to things like going to church, I think I tended to show up for Christmas and show up for Easter and not too many Sundays in between. And it was a little more than a year ago that I got put in a pod for sponsorship and the questionnaire asks you are you committed to showing up consistently every week at the same time, and you're not just showing up for yourself, you're showing up for everybody else in the pod. And I remember checking the box but thinking, uh-oh, I actually have to do this consistently. And I have, and I've shown up every week for over a year.

Speaker 2:

And not only did I do that for with my sponsor, but I got my own pod where I'm the sponsor, and that was another step, because then I'm the one that's responsible for making sure this group shows up every week. And you know, I remember like I bought my zoom subscription so that I was the one hosting every week and I knew that I had what the tools that I needed to host and thinking, wow, like a whole year of commitment to this and it's been great and I've done it every week and it's not just showing up for the other people, but I've shown up for myself every week and that's been a huge part of my journey of having this discussion group every week where we could bring our triumphs and our struggles and have a good discussion, and that has been huge for me.

Speaker 1:

Wow, that sounds like a wonderful victory. And again, for folks that are new or aren't familiar with 12 Steps, within our 12 Step community we have something called a pod and a pod is usually one person that's a sponsor, which helps take people through the 12 Steps of Parental Alienation, Anonymous, and then there's usually five or six other people in the group and you meet weekly and you work on the steps and people get to share where they're at and you start to build these really intimate, wonderful, wonderful relationships and you basically have like a new family of choice that you get to hang out with and I love that. You felt like you're flaky, you committed to the year and then you took on your own pod. You're like turning into like a 12 step superstar.

Speaker 2:

But I'm doing it. I'm doing the work.

Speaker 1:

You're doing the work. That's super, super wonderful and super, super kind to yourself. And you know, a couple of things for me this year is patience, was a big one too. You know, when I was really hard with parental alienation, like everything feels like it's urgent and it needs to get taken care of immediately and if it doesn't, then the world's going to fall apart again in a different kind of way and I, because of my anxiety and fear, I couldn't necessarily lean into my children's pace and cadence at times and I've stifled some connection sometimes because I just want more connection. You know I mean like here's what's off it, great, but I need mustard, I need ketchup, I need a bun I don't want just, you know, the hot dog, you know, and that's kind of like what it's been for me. So patience has been really, really wonderful this year.

Speaker 1:

And also stepping back, you know, sometimes like my youngest daughter graduated and there was going to be pictures with her sisters and her mom after graduation and I chose to step back, I chose to let her have her own experience and go do that and then come back and connect with me afterwards. And in the past I would have wanted to see my kids, had to see my kids, demanded to see my other kids and it wouldn't have served me personally, it would have dysregulated me and it wouldn't have served my daughter. It's opened up space in my relationship with my youngest daughter where it's. That's the best that it's been in. You know, eight, nine years I've never parented as much as I've parented this year with my youngest daughter in eight years.

Speaker 1:

So just stepping back it's counterintuitive sometimes because we figure if we only the only way to get anywhere is to keep stepping forward and keep rushing and keep getting close and keep doing this and keep doing this, and then something will change. But in my experience this year, one of my favorite moments is stepping back. So, uh, I wanted to share that. And what goals are you all setting for yourself this year? What would be? Three attainable maybe?

Speaker 1:

even measurable goals that you would have for yourself this year, and I really like to focus around the kids, or your relationship to yourself in relationship to the kids, just right around, like the alienation, the estrangement, erasure, connection ideas coming forward. What are three goals you would like to work on for this year, and I see your first this time, stephen.

Speaker 3:

I might need a second more to think about that. Lawrence, you might have to pull somebody else and let me just. It's a big question.

Speaker 1:

That's great and I just want to acknowledge you're asking for what you need and saying I need a second to think about it, and that might seem like a silly moment in the show, but this is really what the show is about. Is agencies asking for what we need and this is what recovery looks like is saying, well, I'm not quite ready to answer this question, and it's like I'm with my child and we're sitting at lunch and something awkward comes up or I'm feeling uncomfortable. I'm like, hey, I'm not quite ready to discuss that. Give me a minute or a moment to think about this. And it comes back to patience, it comes back to taking a step back. So I appreciate that, stephen. So we're going to pause you for a second and, anna, do you have three goals that you can think of, or three things you'd like to potentially concentrate on for this year?

Speaker 4:

You know what, Lawrence, when I was thinking about this question three goals is overwhelming for me. One goal feels challenging enough and I just wanted to share that part of, and it ties in what I was talking about with being a workaholic and wanting to erase myself. I've suffered from a little bit of what I would classify as recovery burnout this year, and so the goal that I want to set for myself and this has come up for me the past couple of days is that I'd like to do something, plan for a silly, lighthearted activity for every month of the year, something that I wouldn't normally do, that's out of my wheelhouse, Because I have put a lot. I can acknowledge. I put a lot of energy into recovery work and very earnest sort of serious, a lot of it, often heavy stuff, and I need a break from that, and it doesn't mean that I won't continue to do that, but it's about having some balance going on, and I had.

Speaker 4:

So I thought about these silly things to do for every month of the year and I'm like I don't know what I'm going to do with that. And that's okay, Cause I think what I'll do is for January, I'll figure something out and I'll talk about it with friends and maybe I can bring some friends along to do it is like a good time to put some of the fun stuff in place to create the balance and probably after this podcast I'll go away and think about some other goals. Which is also the joy of having these conversations for me is that I'll be able to not maybe be so overwhelmed of the notion that there's three things that I kind of want to set up for myself. So it's an interesting part of the journey.

Speaker 1:

I appreciate the question yeah, and I appreciate the reflection like three is a lot, like I can come up with one goal, like that's super cool and I love that you're going to add play and adventure and exploration as your goal on a monthly basis and that sounds super sweet and super nurturing and I'm really excited to hear what those are, you know over the course of the year. So yay you, anna and Julie, what do you think? You have a goal, two goals, three goals for the year, or something that feels attainable, that you'd like to share?

Speaker 2:

I have a goal that I only came up with this weekend, but I've found that, going through this process and I think a lot of us have been in domestic violence situations and when we're in those situations, we're the only people that know our story and we keep a lot hidden from the world.

Speaker 2:

We keep a lot of secrets, and to this day, nobody knows my story really but me, and so I think that one of the best things I can do to help me recover from everything is just to write it all down.

Speaker 2:

Not necessarily to write it all down for someone else, but just for me to be able to get that story out from inside, and I want to commit to just getting it out. I'm tired of carrying it around, I'm tired of trying to wrestle with these feelings just inside my own head, and I think that if I could commit to spending some time every week to just write out some of my stories for no one else but me, I think that would be really helpful, and I think I'm finally ready to commit to that, and I think it'll help me to stop this internal wrestle that I have day in and day out of the memories and all the regrets and the woulda, coulda, shoulda, and why did I do that? And just to get it out. Why did I do that? And just to get it out. And so I think that that's something that I would like to commit to in the new year, just for me.

Speaker 1:

Well, that is super powerful. I love the idea of you getting stuff on paper, recording it. Whatever way you choose to do that, just to move that out of your system and just kind of create some space for other stuff or different stuff to happen, and that sounds super nurturing and caring. And and I think is a pivotal part of recovery is journaling, is writing about what's going on, writing about what has gone on and and again. For me, just getting stuff onto paper, like you're saying, has been incredibly healing and I don't even know what's in there sometime.

Speaker 1:

And I will share this one thing that happened this year with one of my therapists. They're like you need to get really angry and you need to get some stuff out of you and whatever it is, it doesn't matter how vile it is, whatever it is, just write just like stream of consciousness. And you know I would start doing that but my handwriting you can't even tell what it is. It's just squiggly lines on a piece of paper and I'm like yelling and screaming and saying stuff that I would never, ever say. So I do do it where no one else can hear, but it's been. What a cathartic experience. And who knew that, that vitriol and that hate and that bitterness and that anger that we suppress and can't really get to express, it just needs to come out. And then there's like oh, oh, and now I'm a little bit more patient and a little bit nicer. So I love that. Julie, what a wonderful goal for the year. And, stephen, have you come up with something for yourself? I have come up with four things actually.

Speaker 3:

Wow, shocking, I know it's funny how they just started flowing. So I would say they are all aspects of the same thing, which is that I want to create more connection in my life and to me, the opposite of alienation and estrangement is connection. And I have four ways that I would like to do that, and one is continuing to work on meeting my kids where they are, with love, grace and openness. It was much better this past year and better than the year before, but there were times where I wasn't in a place of meeting my alienated children with openness and grace and love where they are, for that purpose of connection. So that's a huge thing. I am getting ready to start, just like Julie was talking about start leading a sponsorship pod this coming year. So I'm really looking forward to that because it's a way that I can give back in service and it really is about building connection for myself as much as it is helping those people that are in the pod. So I'm really excited about that and I also am going to use my primary relationship as a proving ground for building connectedness, because that's the person that's closest to me in this world and I figure, if I'm going to learn how to build connection. I should start with Primo Uno, the person closest to me, and learn how to do that effectively with her. So I'm really looking forward to that in the upcoming year, working on connection with Susan.

Speaker 3:

And then the last thing that sounds kind of morbid, but it's been on my heart for and maybe it won't to you guys, but is I've had this on my heart for a while to.

Speaker 3:

I'm not getting any younger, not that I'm ready to exit the world yet, but I do think about life. When you get in your mid fifties, you start thinking about the fact that life is not limitless, at least in this physical plane. And I really want to take the time which what Lawrence was talking about, and I think Julie too, about writing, and what I would like to do as a way to build connection with both my siblings and my parents and my children, is to write them all a letter and to write them a letter telling them how much I love them and how wonderful I think they are, and it's something that they will have for the rest of their life, that they can hold on to when they have difficult times, and it's not just necessarily about thinking that I might not see my kids so I need to write them this letter although that is part of that but it's really about giving myself the experience of writing those loving words to somebody, but also for them to have something from me that's sort of timeless, that tells them how wonderfully special and awesome I think they are, and so that's been on my heart to do. I haven't done the first one yet, but that's a plan for 2025. So there they are.

Speaker 1:

Love it. I love the connection. You know, wanting to deepen the connection, build connection, have connection and yay you for stepping into leadership in a pod. That's a wonderful way to be of service and a wonderful way to show up for yourself. I love that. And we've spoken about service briefly on the show and being of service to other people in the community is so freeing and for me it just gets me out of my head for a little while and I don't have to get stuck. And especially if you're struggling in pain it's the holidays, it's New Year's, you don't know what to do, you don't know how to get any space from any of this. Show up at a meeting, be a timer, you know. Find somewhere in your community to be of service. You know what. Whatever is.

Speaker 1:

Services is a wonderful thing and I'd say for me, um, for this new year, like there's this outward appearing who I am and seems like it's okay and I'm managing things, but there's also destructive behaviors that I would say that I have sometimes around sugar, around too much TV, around doing different things. So my New Year's thing would be to try to stay more present when those things come up and I just want to kind of cut off and shut down and I go back to an old coping mechanism. I really feel like that's a big part of my life that I'd like to work on because I'm missing. I'm missing aspects of what are happening. I'm not as present in certain moments, so I'd really like to work on some of those old coping mechanisms that are really really easy to fall back into because they're so familiar.

Speaker 1:

I'd really like to work on maybe breaking some of those cycles and so, with our kids and grandkids or anyone else who might be disconnected or alienated from coming into this, like new year, what hope do we have for connection? What do we want to do to create connection? And steven had spoken about writing letters and stuff like this but what does that look like? Because some of us have partial contact, some of us have no contact, some of us are trying to re-establish contact. But what would your intention for this new year be as far as connecting with the kids, grandkids, other people in our life? What would you hope for yourself or hope for them? Let's start with you, julie.

Speaker 2:

Wow, creating more connection. I think one of the things we've talked about is, you know, meeting your kids where they are, and it's hard as a parent, I mean. I think that this journey, it's that our kids are on their own path and we have to let them explore and go on their own journey, and it's hard. My son has an opportunity to go to France this summer and he's been studying French and I want him to go. I want him to seize that opportunity, but I also recognize that it can be scary to travel abroad. He's supposed to live with a family. That can be really scary and I'm trying to balance pushing him to do it but recognizing maybe he's not, maybe he doesn't want to do it.

Speaker 2:

Maybe he's not ready and trying to find that balance with my son to let him go on his own journey and figure out where my wishes stop and his wishes start. I mean, that can be really tough. And then there's my extended family that I've had, you know, varying levels of drama and misconnection with, and trying to reach out to them and just form a relationship with them where we feel like we can reach out to each other just to say hi, not for anything specific. My brother lives in a different state, my sister lives in a different state, my parents live in a different state and we've lost a lot of contact over the years. We've all kind of gone our separate directions and one of us has to be the one to reach out and keep the conversation going.

Speaker 2:

The nice thing about siblings is that they tend to be those people that you can reach out to them and it's just like old times, like you never were gone. But somebody has to be the one to reach out and keep that relationship going and I've let it slip, especially where my sister's concerned, and it's time to pick up that mantle again and keep going and keep my relationship with my nieces and nephews and you know, this is all we have is this one life and this family, and every family has their family history and their family drama and things in the past that we wish hadn't happened, and all we can do is move forward and hopefully move forward together with that shared history, and I'd like to continue that.

Speaker 1:

Connection, family, spending time, taking initiative. I love all that stuff and the balance with your son going to France, not going to France. What's your will, what's his will, what's going to happen? And just holding that lightly and, yeah, not necessarily pushing the agenda, by giving him space to figure out what his agenda is or what his desires are. I love that, julie, thank you for that. And Stephen, what about you?

Speaker 3:

I am going into 2025 expecting that everything I want for my relationship with my alienated kids and my non-alienated kids and my family, that it's all going to happen. As we know, that doesn't always occur, but I want to be open to it. You know, I want to be open to the fact that by the end of the year which is, you know, this will sound crazy because I look at it and I go, I don't really actually see how that could happen between now and then but by the end of the year I have a full on relationship with my married daughter and her husband and reconnected with them, and that I have a full communication with my son that's at college and we're going on trips again together and we're connecting and I want to give myself the joy of believing and thinking that that is possible, the openness of that happening. But I'm also okay.

Speaker 3:

One thing that a mentor of mine said one time is that his name's Barry Kaufman. He said we should want everything in life. The challenge is being okay if we don't get it, and so I want all of that for my life this coming year, but I'm going to be okay if I don't get it and that'll be wonderful and I can look forward to that with hope and joy. And if I don't get everything that I want, I'll be excited with what I have gotten, and that'll be wonderful too.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for that, stephen, and I love just the expansiveness of your intention, like this is what I want and I'd love to have the soul, and maybe if I don't get it all, that's okay too and I'll be very happy with what I got. But just yeah, like we can have the intention of having everything that we want. I love that. That's true too. And what about you, anna? What were the intentions for the new year?

Speaker 4:

This is making me emotional because I haven't had contact with my sons for eight years and I've been doing different pieces around that and I send them birthday cards and I have periods where I send the messages and periods when I don't. I think it is my intention. I need to lean into the acceptance piece of my reality where I would like things to be different.

Speaker 4:

But, the work that I've been doing, if that was what they would like to happen. It's just so challenging for them, I think, especially at the moment, and I don't like saying that out loud. But also, saying that out loud allows me to focus on the fact that I don't want a forced relationship with them.

Speaker 4:

I don't want to push them into an uncomfortable space. I don't want to feel like I'm harassing them. At the same time, I want to leave the little trail of breadcrumbs. So it's part of my challenges to tell myself that I will keep reaching out when it's their birthday, that I will check in with myself, and if I feel like I really want to have contact with them around no particular subjects, I will allow myself to do that. But before I do that, I will check in with people that I know will be able to reflect that back to me. So we're trying to keep that balance. But it's hard. It's making me feel quite emotional thinking about it, because I don't know what's going to happen. I know what I would like to happen and I also know that I would like it to feel like it's organic. So it's trying to balance the emotional piece and wanting what's good for me and what's good for them. That feels like it's a really waffly answer, but it feels like a deep question too.

Speaker 1:

Yes, thank you for bringing that into the conversation. It is a deep question and it's so complex. And when we don't have contact, like how do we balance that? And how do we balance the reality of what's really being offered and what's really available and being realistic about that but also holding out like if there's an opportunity or I have energy or something presents itself that I'm ready to step into that too.

Speaker 1:

So I hear the challenges of that and I'd say for me with this coming new year is I'd really like the opportunity to meet my grandkids, and I think that's something that I'm working to and being really slow and intentional about, and it'd be nice to do that physically, and maybe it's just seeing more pictures you know what I mean Like there's this idea of this is what meeting my grandkids look like, and maybe it's just learning more about them through text and stuff like that, and maybe it's not time and maybe that's going to be enough and ultimately, it'd be really wonderful to see them in person and and have some kind of connection with my oldest daughter, who it's been a long time.

Speaker 1:

I'd really like that to happen this year in some shape or form, and we're getting near the end of the show here and I think we we should end like with a happy thought something really fun that you have coming up either on New Year's, or like something really cool that you're looking forward to that is available to you now because you are working on yourself, because you are in recovery, because your life is changing, like what's one thing that's happening right around this year or these holidays or right at the beginning of stepping into the New Year, that you'd like to share with the community. That, yeah, they could just share maybe a little bit of sunshine and also just wish everyone a happy New Year's as you're doing your checkout and sharing this little something. So, anna, you're up first.

Speaker 4:

Thank you, lawrence. One of the things that is part of my plan for the holiday season, which includes New Year's, is I'm going to go with a friend to a Christmas carol festival. I love to sing and I love to listen to live music and it feels serendipitous because the venue that we're going to I have been part of a choir in the past and my youngest son has as well, and this venue happens to be somewhere where we've both sung and I didn't realize that when I arranged it. But it feels really nice. I know because of my recovery work, I'm going to have moments of sadness, but also be able to sit in the space where I felt joy when I was performing myself and I was watching him perform and it feels like a nice kind of wraparound. It's me embracing all aspects of my story and that the family story and, yeah, it's bringing joy, it's changing my mood. From the last question, I love how this works. I don't have to stay with the feelings. They're not permanent, they're not going to last forever.

Speaker 1:

So you know what.

Speaker 4:

My message to community is to yeah, embrace whatever is coming up for you and allow space for all things, if that's possible, because that's the big thing that I've learned is the peace around. I can't have the joy without the sorrow, which sounds cheesy, but it's true. I really feel like I'm living it. So that's my message to one and all.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, anna. And the Christmas Carol Festival I just that just feels overwhelming in my head. A bunch of people like thousands of people seeing Christmas Carols. I'm like whoa and it sounds super fun. And the connection to the venue and that you sang and the kids sang, that's super, super beautiful and it's nice to see you smile about that and your eyes lighten up and kind of like twinkle like a little kid. I love that. Anna and Julie, what about you? What would you like to share, as we're just checking out here?

Speaker 2:

Well, I think that a common theme I've heard throughout this episode is just accepting what is. And what Anna said brought up for me that what we can do is model for our kids just accepting what is. And the message I've gotten from my stepson and my son is how they wish that I would have been a different parent and they wish I would have, you know, handled things differently. And the message I wish that they could get is that I'm the parent that I am and I can't go backwards and fix those things Like this is what you got in the lottery and I'm sorry you didn't love it. And the best way that I can give them that message is just to accept what is for me and the current situation and my stepson wants nothing to do with me and I accept that it's hard but I accept it.

Speaker 2:

And as far as New Year's Eve celebrations go, I've let go of the pressure to be part of some extravagant party and get dressed up and get an invite somewhere or go to a fancy restaurant or any of those things that really aren't what I want.

Speaker 2:

Somehow it feels like what you should do, but that's not what I actually want and if I just accept what I do want, it's to be with my husband, and the one thing that I really do enjoy is that in my town we set off fireworks on the Mississippi river and everybody goes and gathers on the river levee and the downside is you do have to wait till midnight, which is hard, but it's fun, even if it's just the two of us, to go out and watch the fireworks. And there's something that will forever be magical for me in fireworks. I love them and just to enjoy that moment and it's just the two of us and I'm not dressed up and I mean there's a crowd of people, but I don't know them personally and it's not fancy, and that is what I have and what I enjoy, and that's okay. So do what you enjoy, what you genuinely enjoy, not what you think you should or what you think you have to do or any of the above, but just embrace the parts that you enjoy the most.

Speaker 1:

I love the idea of the fireworks and being out there and just being casual and enjoying it, and that you got to stay up until midnight is ridiculous. Like my age, I ain't staying up until midnight from pretty much nothing, so I relate to the little chuckle around that. That sounds super late and super fun. You know I'm going to be asleep, but you have a good time. And Stephen, what about yourself?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I was going to say that to Julie too.

Speaker 3:

I think I've been the last gosh, I don't know no-transcript up there tomorrow and kind of starting to get involved.

Speaker 3:

And you know, it really gives me a great opportunity because, while I wasn't a perfect parent, that's for sure my kids will all of them, the ones I have contact with and the ones I don't will quickly tell you my foibles, faults and whatever I do.

Speaker 3:

At the same time feel that I have a lot of parenting to give, and sometimes, when I can't give that parenting fully with two of my kids, I decided that I wanted to be able to give that parenting in another way, and so this really feels like a good opportunity to do that. And so I'm very excited about that in the coming year and, I think, to leave the community with a thought it's kind of what I already shared which is, you know, even though most all of us are dealing with very difficult estrangement, alienation situations in many cases, and there's a lot of heartbreak and difficulty and challenge, I would say expect the best going into 2025. Expect that things will change, expect that there's something better coming around the corner and then just be okay with whatever appears. You know, if the best doesn't appear, be okay with what appears just below the best, and being truly okay with it and really enjoying it and leaning into it. That's what I would hope and wish for our community.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, stephen. Yeah, just meeting what is offered, and in the best possible shape and form, sounds like a wonderful blessing and intention for everything. I'm going to digress a little bit because mine's not quite as serious. My big thing for this New Year's and this holiday is balloon animals. So I bought a bunch of balloons and a bunch of pumps and everyone that comes over is going to need to make a balloon animal, no matter what it is. So that's my big intention and it's play and it's silly and it's joyful and it's been really something that I've been concentrating on this year has just been more in play and joy and being a little bit more friendly. So, uh, thank you all for coming out and just talking a little bit about new year's and new year's intentions and just sharing a little bit more with the community. And uh, yeah, I appreciate you all. I wish you all the best new years and, uh, julie, go for number 12 and I'm gonna be with steven. Nine o'clock sounds like a good time for me to head to bed and everyone.

Speaker 3:

Have a beautiful day thank you, lawrence, thanks everybody, what a everybody.

Speaker 1:

What a great show. That was super cool and it's super neat to see people out of the community showing up. And this is a panel same panel we've had for two or three shows this year and wonderful people doing wonderful work. And as I listened to everyone today, I could really hear the recovery, how people were taking care of themselves. And initially, when we get here, we can't really see the full picture, we can't really think about all the different aspects of what's going on. And I know for me I was just so caught up in parental alienation and trying to fight the system, trying to fix people, trying to change people, trying to make people behave a different way, that I really lost myself and I couldn't really appreciate what was happening in my life and the wonderful things that were going on around me. And there was still struggle Like I don't want to diminish the amount of struggle and how hard it is for any of us going through this. That's real and it's hard. And there's this other aspect of play and community and being friendly to ourselves and to others. That is a really a wonderful place to lean into and we spoke about leaning into in the show but like really leaning into the joy and the play and what is offered and what is available. And and being of service, Like, if you're struggling and you're still not sure what to do, hang out at a meeting, be of service, be a timer, be a leader, do something like that, you know. Reach out to a local group you heard a lot of people talking about service on the show today and volunteering at different places. You know, like, how do I get out of myself? And if I can get out of myself for just a couple of hours over the New Year's, I just I feel so much more present and available to the people that are available to me. So I hope you all have a wonderful New Year's and get to enjoy the connection that is offered, and we hope to see you around in the next year. And if you're struggling, there's a bunch of great podcasts that are taped. There's other Christmas and Thanksgiving episodes, so there's a lot of different resources there. There's a wonderful website which is in our show notes, and if you have anything you want to share around the holidays or any suggestions, you can contact me directly at familydisappeared at gmailcom and let us know any kind of suggestions for new shows, holiday insights, anything we might have missed or other things you might want us to talk about a little bit more. So thank you.

Speaker 1:

In case no one's told you yet today, I love you and I'm feeling a lot of love from a lot of people in the community today and I had to listen to people had to. I was lucky enough to listen to people when I first got into program, into my own recovery. They would say that they loved me and it was really hard to take that in. It was really hard to understand that some stranger could say I love you and that it actually had some meaning when all I wanted was a relationship with my kids. But today I really appreciate the people that tell me that they love me and it's super cool and a big wow, wow, wow to everyone.

Speaker 1:

Have a wonderful, wonderful New Year's and we hope to see you around the podcast, the 12-step rooms or some other place in the New Year's. Have a beautiful, beautiful, safe New Year's. See you around the neighborhood. Thanks for taking the time to join me on this episode of Family Disappeared Podcast. Do you know someone who can benefit from what we're discussing on today's episode? If so, please share this podcast with them and anyone else in your community that might be interested in changing their lives. Together we'll continue the exploring, growing and healing journey. I will see you on our next episode. Until then, happy days to all.