Family Disappeared

The Power of Personal Agency: Transforming Adversity Into Opportunity - Episode 88

• Lawrence Joss

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In this episode of the Family Disappeared podcast, Lawrence Joss revisits key insights from previous conversations with professionals in the field of therapy and psychology. The discussion covers themes of parental alienation, the importance of community support, and the power of personal agency in overcoming adversity. Lawrence emphasizes the significance of understanding neutral circumstances, the role of judgment in our lives, and the therapeutic potential of writing amends letters for reconciliation. The episode also explores concepts of reparenting, somatic awareness, and practical strategies for fostering gratitude and hope in challenging situations.

Key Takeaways

  • Circumstances are neutral, and our perception shapes our experience.
  • Judgment and evaluation are constant processes in our minds.
  • We have the power to create positive changes in our lives.
  • Understanding estrangement and alienation is crucial for healing.
  • Amends letters can facilitate reconciliation between estranged family members.
  • Reparenting helps heal childhood wounds and fosters self-agency.
  • Agency is essential for healthy relationships and personal empowerment.
  • Somatic awareness connects our body and mind for better emotional health.
  • Practicing gratitude can transform our perspective on difficult situations.
  • Creating hope is vital for overcoming challenges and fostering resilience.

Chapters

00:00 - Introduction to the Best of Series

02:53 - The Volcanic Analogy: Growth Through Adversity

04:14 - Understanding Neutral Circumstances

11:56 - The Power of Judgment and Evaluation

15:18 - Estrangement vs. Alienation: Definitions and Impacts

18:59 - The Importance of Men's Letters in Reconciliation

22:46 - Reparenting: Healing Childhood Wounds

25:35 - Agency and Self-Agency: Empowering Relationships

29:57 - Somatic Awareness: Connecting Body and Mind

32:19 - Gratitude Power-Up: Transforming Perspectives

35:39 - Better by Eight: Creating Positive Change

If you wish to connect with Lawrence Joss or any of the PA-A community members who have appeared as guests on the podcast:

Email-      familydisappeared@gmail.com

Linktree: https://linktr.ee/lawrencejoss

(All links mentioned in the podcast are available in Linktree)

Please donate to support PAA programs:

https://www.paypal.com/donate?hosted_button_id=SDLTX8TBSZNXS

This podcast is made possible by the Family Disappeared Team:
Anna Johnson- Editor/Contributor/Activist/Co-host
Glaze Gonzales- Podcast Manager

Connect with Lawrence Joss:
Website: https://parentalalienationanonymous.com/
Email- familydisappeared@gmail.com

Speaker 1:

Hi, my name is Lawrence Joss and welcome to the Family Disappeared podcast and all the sounds here in Hawaii. Today we're going to continue the Best of series and we're actually going to have all professionals on today Therapists, psychologists and other forms and fashions of folks we've interviewed over the last year and a half. And I'm so curious what was the last Best of series like for you? And it was all panels of parents and different ideas we've shared over the last year and a half and, watching it back, it was. It was amazing for me and I'm so curious what you have to say and what you think about it and maybe some topics you'd like us to revisit or some new stuff that you'd like to hear about. And if you're new to the community, welcome. And the format of these next couple shows are a little bit different. We were just taking the best of the last year and a half and giving you a little taste and pieces of what we've done, who we've spoken to, what's going on, and I highly suggest going back and listening to the full episodes and the context and cadence is a little bit different than what we're trying right now. So, again, if you're new, welcome. If you've been around for a while. Welcome.

Speaker 1:

We have a ton of resources in the show notes. There's the free 12-step program parental alienation, anonymous a wonderful, loving community. It's a 12-step based and it's a bunch of work. If you want to do the work and work on yourself and start to change your life, get more resources, build community. Some people like to do the work, some people like to come to the meetings and just feel that like that's really useful. So whatever you choose, it's open to you. And if that doesn't resonate with you, find a support group, find a community, find some folks to work with, because doing this by yourself is so, so, so, incredibly challenging. We're also a 501c3 non-profit, so we'd love to have you help us support what's going on. We'd love you to become a monthly donor $5, $10, $25, $100 if you can afford it. We'd love to bring more services and expand what we're offering and get into the nonviolent communication, support, you know, family systems, somatic tracking. There's so much stuff we can add to the community for support and again a bunch of other stuff in the show notes. You can always email me at familydisappeared at gmailcom and share ideas, ask for different support. I will either answer you or I will have someone from the 12-step program answer you if it's meeting related, but either way, we'd love to hear from you. Please remember to like share. Let us know what's going on in your world.

Speaker 1:

And I'm filming right here because right behind me is actually part of a volcanic eruption over here on the big island and you can see the lava grew up and this beautiful tree grew up around it. So I thought that would be a great place to film because it's kind of an analogy for what we're doing. You know, we have this tumultuous thing happen in our life and stuff continues to grow up around it. So that's enough for me. Let's jump into the show. There was a time in my life when I was overwhelmed and underwater. Those days are the inspiration for this podcast.

Speaker 1:

This is by far the ultimate healing journey for all of us. Healing ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically is paramount to this journey. From this place of grounding we can all go out into the world and change all our interactions and relationships. We can engage people from an integrated and resourced place. This is a journey of coming home to ourselves. In today's episode we'll start to explore some of these issues. Let's begin the healing journey today.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Family Disappeared podcast. You know, just getting back to this tree for a second before we jump into the best dog, I really resonate and it might sound super strange to you but this really hard volcanic eruption that comes up through the ground and it seems like it's impossible that anything is ever going to change or happen. But the volcanic rock has an incredible amount of nutrients and sustenance and substance and helps everything grow and regenerate around it. There is a lot of destruction and it feels very similar to my journey with parental alienation, estrangement, erasure, whatever resonates with you where this big volcanic thing comes up and it feels like life is over and then stuff starts to grow around it. And the reason stuff started to grow around it for me is because I started to do my own work.

Speaker 1:

You know, I joined a 12-step program. I got a bunch of support, I started making friends, I started building community. I continued my spiritual journey outside of that, learning how to communicate, learning how to show up in relationship and also learning how not to create additional harm just because I was in some kind of trauma or secondary trauma Whoa, I just got hit with a raindrop or a secondary trauma response. But yeah, I think it's really useful. I'm going to think about this rock a lot and I'm going to think about this tree that's going out of it. I don't know if you can see that. Anyway, I'm not really great with a selfie stick and with that let's see what the best of sounds like. How do we stay positive when we're fighting for our kids' lives? We're fighting for our lives, for our grandkids' lives. What do you tell to someone that's in a situation that just feels so difficult and overwhelming and confusing? What's the first thing you say?

Speaker 2:

You know, I think, in light of the fact that we're having a podcast conversation today, I request permission to be pretty bold, is that okay?

Speaker 1:

Oh, I love bold. Please as bold as possible.

Speaker 2:

You know what? Some of what I'm about to share with you gets me fired. Okay, people don't want to hear this but it's extremely important to tune into what I'm about to share with you, because this changes the game, and here it is. Circumstances, including yours, are neutral. Okay, now I'll just pause and let that land.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, there's a lot of people taking a big breath right now.

Speaker 2:

Whatever you need to, do, just keep breathing, okay.

Speaker 3:

Now when.

Speaker 2:

I say circumstances are neutral, I am not saying that they are easy or painless, because sometimes our circumstances are very difficult and painful. But when I say that circumstances are neutral, this ties into a positivity model that I have developed. Consider this for a moment. It is what it is. Okay. Have you heard that phrase too?

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

That can be extremely annoying, depending on who's saying it and why, but all it means is that things, the way they are right now, without changing anything, could always. Now, lawrence, my editor tells me to always avoid the word always and never use the word never, but I just used it. What it is could always be better and it could always be worse. So notice that for a minute. I know there are times when our circumstances seem like it couldn't be any worse than this. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But then, if you pay attention, usually right after that it gets a little worse. And I'm not here to be a pessimist, I am the positivity psychologist. But the root of understanding positivity starts with understanding that circumstances are neutral. It could always be better, it could always be worse. So maybe I can give you just a personal example.

Speaker 2:

Lawrence and I shared some of this with you before we started the recording today, but I am currently at my son's home in Chicago. About four months ago, I get a call from my son and it sounded something like this Dad, I have cancer, okay, boom. Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm happy to say that I practice what I preach. Okay, and I only preach what I practice. And I heard my mind doing this as I got that call from my son. I was realizing I'm so grateful that I didn't just get a call from my daughter-in-law saying that my son had been killed in a head-on collision. Okay, now what just happened in your mind? We've got cancer, we've got a head-on collision. One do you want?

Speaker 2:

I don't know, you don't always get to pick right right sometimes you're what it is just lands in your lap because of the choices of somebody else or because of natural circumstances or acts of god. It is what it is. Here you go. This is your life, and mine includes. Right now, my son has cancer. It doesn't include. I went to a funeral for my son two months ago Now. Will I attend a funeral in the future? Yeah, probably for him. I don't know if I'll survive him or not. Spoiler alert, lawrence, nobody gets out of this alive, right, are you? Okay? You handling that? So I'm sharing this personal example with you because here's what I invite people to notice.

Speaker 2:

My whole job is to illuminate the obvious. This is so cool. I get paid to tell people things they already know, but there's obvious things that are completely unnoticed. Obvious, but unnoticed. Let's go there. Your shirt, can you feel it? Now you can, right, could you feel it? Just before I said something. Well, technically, yes, your neurology is functioning, but you don't notice it. See, it's obvious. Now that I call it to your attention, you can feel your shirt on your skin, but before I mentioned it it was unnoticed. Or the fact that we're speaking English, did you notice? It's obvious now. That's my point and most of what goes on in our psychology is in that space. It's totally obvious once it's called your attention, but completely unnoticed up until that point.

Speaker 2:

So I share with you the call I got from my son. Dad, I have cancer. Okay, what is our brain doing? Here's what I want you to notice. It's called judgment or evaluation. Okay, evaluation is a nicer word, that's the one that I use in my model. Evaluation is where your brain is constantly judging, evaluating your, what it is, so you can't just leave it alone. Your brain has to judge it and notice this. You are constantly judging yourself pretty harshly, sometimes your family, your circumstances, coworkers, a spouse, your kids, people in your community, people at your church or synagogue, the government, the economy. You judge the weather. You're judging me. It's cool, I'm judging you. But just notice that we're constantly judging, well, psychologically. Okay, remember, I'm giving you the psychological mechanisms behind positivity.

Speaker 2:

When we judge, we have to compare what we've got to something. We have to have some standard of comparison in order to make the judgment, and if we don't have one, we'll make one up and we've got a really great imagination. Okay, so when I share with you my son has cancer, you can imagine how that hit me, because you know how it could hit you to hear that Now, when we say that that's bad, it's because we're comparing it, whether we notice it or not. I'm inviting you to notice, okay, illuminating the obvious. When we compare my son has cancer to my son doesn't have cancer, well, this sucks, right, and it really does. I mean, compared to something, something better, like my son doesn't have cancer, this sucks. But then I switched it for you a little and I didn't tell you the part about it hasn't spread to other organs in his body, it hasn't metastasized. There's a treatment plan in place. Okay, you see what your mind's doing with it now. It's like, oh, compared to something far worse, I'll take this.

Speaker 2:

So when I said circumstances are neutral, all I mean is it could always be better, it could always be worse, and your brain is judging it. The only way your brain can judge it is in comparison to some standard. So I'm not here to tell you how to think. I don't have that kind of authority. I just want you to see that you are and, as you call that to your attention, to your conscious awareness. It puts you back in choice, because we're not done yet.

Speaker 2:

By the way. There's two processes, okay, that are obvious but unnoticed. I just shared one with you's judgment or evaluation. You can't turn it off, you're constantly doing it, so notice that you're doing it. Are you in a good position with your family? Well, that depends on what you compare it to, doesn't it? Okay, notice that, and I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying it's painless. Remember this is important because whatever energy we create in judgment or evaluation mode goes on with us to the next step, which is creation Creation of what is to be, and that doesn't exist yet. We haven't created it yet. So notice this, lawrence the only place that it can exist because it doesn't exist yet what is to be doesn't exist yet. The only place it does exist now is in our imagination. Now I already established that we can always imagine something better or something worse. So go with the feelings for a minute when you imagine, because you don't know. Actually, let's test that. How are you doing next week?

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

You don't know.

Speaker 1:

No, definitely not.

Speaker 2:

I mean, I have people who tell me oh, I'm doing great next week, dr Paul, and I'm like you don't know. You hope, you wish, you imagine you have something to do with it, so don't forget that. But you don't know, so all you can do is imagine, right. Okay, when you imagine or predict or expect that what's coming is even worse than what you've already got, how do you feel?

Speaker 1:

Right, a lot worse.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, this is anxiety. Okay, that's 30 years of clinical experience in a nutshell, right there. Anxiety is when we imagine worse things to come. We don't know. Well, how do you feel if you imagine that what's coming is even better than what you've already got? This is hope. Hope saves lives. Did you know? The number one risk factor for suicide is hopelessness?

Speaker 1:

No.

Speaker 2:

Since you don't know. Choose a position that serves you well and then that gives your brain the blueprint to go create an upgrade. I don't care what your family situation is. I know the name of the show is the Family Disappeared Podcast. Right, I've got a lot of experience working with families who have experienced separation, alienation, estrangement, all of the nasty stuff you can imagine that I saw in 13 years of clinical work in the courts. I've seen murder, incest, abuse. You can't shock me after 30 years of clinical experience, of clinical experience. Whatever your situation is, you have the power to create an upgrade. That's good news, but it comes with a warning too, because you also have the power to make a mess.

Speaker 1:

You use the word estrangement, some folks use the word alienation and disconnection, erasure. There's a lot of different words.

Speaker 4:

Can you give us just like a bird's eye view of what languaging you use and what it means to you and if there is a particular reason for that? Yeah, no, there's a particular reason. Alienation, I think, very specifically means when one parent covertly, overtly poisons the relationship with the other parent. So that's parental alienation. Estrangement I think of as more sort of the general category, of which alienation is a subset of that. There's many pathways to estrangement. Alienation is one I know. A lot of people who research this topic say you know, alienations the poisoning of the child. Estrangement is when the child has good reasons to not have contact with a parent. But I don't like that distinction. I don't think it's very precise, because most people, most sociologists, most psychologists, the general public refers to estrangement as really a cutoff, an alienation, but not the kind of alienation that parental alienation, more a distancing or, to use your term, an erasure of the relationship between the two. So that's the way that I think about estrangement versus alienation.

Speaker 1:

So writing in a men's letter? Is that something that you find to be a therapeutic intervention in families that are navigating whichever form of estrangement or whatever door they're coming in?

Speaker 4:

Yeah, in my research study it was one of the most commonly reported interventions that worked.

Speaker 4:

You know, but let me say first, there's really nothing that any therapist or professional can say that if you just do this, this will definitely work. You know, we can say I can give you 10 things that definitely won't work. It will make your situation worse. But I can't promise any parent that any particular intervention is going to work. It's a very difficult problem to treat.

Speaker 4:

There are many pathways to estrangement. Certainly one is where the parents made terrible mistakes. They were abusive, they were neglectful, et cetera. But that's not the only pathway. Another is alienation, as we just talked about, where one parent poisons the other. Divorce in general is a big risk because the child may, even if there's not alienation, choose one parent over the other. It can bring in other people to compete with that child, that parent, for emotional or material resources. It may cause the child to feel more like the parents are individuals rather than a family unit that they're a part of. So divorce is huge. Therapists do enormous damage in this space today. Therapists who think every problem has a trauma at its root, even if it doesn't, who recommend estrangement as some resolution or some bold move and obviously there's a place for it. I'm not saying one should. There's no case for ever estranging a parent or family member, but it's being advised way too commonly. Similarly, the way that social media plays into this, the way that it forms these extended kin where they give advice of oh you know, best thing you ever did, best thing I ever did cut off my parent, don't need the drama, don't need the stress, you know, feel so much better now. And these people have no investment in the family. They don't have to live with the consequences of the heartbroken parents or grandparents who are being cut off from their grandchildren. So that's huge Mental illness, certainly in the parent but also in the adult child. So there's many pathways. Well, lastly, that when a child married, the adult child marries and the son-in-law or daughter-in-law alienates the speaking of alienation, the parent from the adult child says choose them or me. You can't have both. That's also a very common pathway to estrangement. So any one of those may make it really hard for the parent, even with the best interventions, to form a pathway towards reconciliation.

Speaker 4:

That said, I think that amends letters are the best place to start, because in the amends letter you're trying to get on the same page as the adult child. So I always encourage parents to start off by saying I know you wouldn't do this unless you felt like it was the healthiest thing for you to do. And in doing so you're kind of saying, you know, I'm taking myself out of the way, that I feel hurt or victimized or wounded or traumatized by the estrangement, and I'm just putting it in terms of what your motivation was. For the adult child, that is how they think about it. For the parent, they don't think about it. It's the healthiest thing for them to do. They think it's like the worst thing they could possibly do to them in the world.

Speaker 4:

But in saying that, they're kind of trying to remove the defensiveness. Parents have to be able to remove the defensiveness of the adult child for them to feel like, for the adult child to feel like the parent understands them as committed to a different path to change. Now, if they know what they've done wrong, it's really important to just speak to that very directly and not try to say things like well, maybe I wasn't a perfect parent, or you know I did the best that I could, or well, you know, it was really your mother who who brainwashed you against me, or any of those things. They just don't work. They just make the child feel misunderstood and not cared about. So it really takes a kind of a courage to find the kernel, if not the bushel, of truth.

Speaker 4:

Now, sometimes the parent doesn't know why the child has estranged themselves, and in those cases I think it's useful for the parent to start the letter in the same way, then to go on to say something like it's clear that I have significant blind spots, that I don't have a better understanding of why you need to do this, but I would like to learn. Would you be open to telling me more about your thoughts, feelings or memories? I promise to read it or listen purely from the perspective of listening and not any way to defend myself. Or if you wanted to do therapy together, I would welcome that opportunity. Or if there are things you'd like me to work on in my own therapy, I would welcome that opportunity as well. So it's really just kind of a big outreach of compassion, responsibility taking, empathy. So if anything's going to open the door, well, and it often does, but again you know, no one thing is certain to open the door.

Speaker 1:

In your letter, writing experience and working with parents and grandparents. Can you share a couple victories of people that have shared maybe a story with you that might be really nice for the community to hear?

Speaker 4:

Oh sure, I get letters every week that people who've had success. It was funny. I was walking yesterday at a reservoir near where I live and the woman said are you, dr Coleman? Yes, she said, I've seen you on the webinar. She said I had a successful reconciliation with my son and I was like that's fantastic. And so there's no better experience for me as a therapist than seeing having parents write and send me pictures now with them and their grandchildren and so now I think a lot of parents have reconciliation, so I don't want anybody to be discouraged by us I don't want people to white knuckle it.

Speaker 4:

I think you have to have one foot in radical acceptance and one foot in hope, because a lot of these eventually do reconcile. It may take years, we don't know, but a lot of them do. But radical acceptance, so you're just not white knuckling it through life and not getting on with the rest of your life.

Speaker 1:

There's a lot of people that listen to the podcast and that are in the community that are estranged or alienated, or I've chosen not to talk to their parents or their grandparents or something. Can they take the same process and write an amends letter in the opposite direction to their parents, to their grandparents? Do you have anything you'd like to share about that idea?

Speaker 4:

Yeah, I mean statistically, more of the time it's the adult child who cuts off the parent.

Speaker 4:

But to your point, yeah, I do work with adult children who've been cut off by the parent and you know, I think the main thing if they're writing the parent is to they can still complain about the things that they feel hurt about, but know that the parent's probably going to be very defensive. So to do it in a way where they first talk about the things that the parent did right, that they actually liked or valued, and just to sort of prepare the ground to talk about the things that were more problematic or what they would need to have be different if they were to be a relationship, and then to also end with some kind of thing positive. You know we call it complaint sandwich. So just to make it clear that the goal isn't to shame or humiliate the parents it's very hard for any parent to hear the ways that they failed their child. So to start out positively, do the complaint in the middle end positively. That gives the best chance for something positive to come from it.

Speaker 1:

Can you talk about a little bit about your word that you use, reparenting, and what that means to you?

Speaker 3:

Yeah. So the beauty of the integrative body psychotherapy is my mentors Jack Rosenberg, who's no longer with us, and Beverly Katane Morse. They developed a whole series of practices and for a long time there were great people, mostly in the recovery community and I always believe we're all recovering from something and oftentimes it's something from our childhood but people like John Bradshaw and others who really worked with inner child work, but they didn't always have a specific set of messages that they were working with to rewire. And so what Jack did is he in the 70s came up with a whole series of messages that we developmentally needed throughout our childhood, and there's some for the younger, for the infant self, there's some for the young child and there's some for the teenager, and these messages are so profound and they're called good parent messages, integrated body psychotherapy, good parent messages, and we're able to go back and rewire with these messages anything that we didn't get growing up.

Speaker 3:

And most of us, if we don't get these messages, especially the early ones, zero to seven, and that sense of attunement, we spend our whole life looking out there for the right relationship, or from these messages from people that we don't necessarily really need them from, from our boss or even from our kids, looking for them to fill our void in some way. But nobody else outside of ourself, not even the right love relationship, can ever really fill and fix what we didn't get back then. So these messages are profound in the sense that we can actually start to heal and fix that wounding inside of ourself instead of spending our whole life looking out there. And so these messages are amazing in that sense that we walk around with this wounding and we keep looking out there. But once we give ourselves these messages, start to work with them for a bit, we start to feel as if we actually got all these messages in our childhood and we start to show up differently in our life and in our relationships and with our children and so on and so forth.

Speaker 1:

I just want to talk about agency, you know, because this isn't yeah, it's like really important, like agency. This is an empowerment model. So we have self-agency, which I'll let you describe, and I also want you to just let folks know what a high agent is, because these are words and terminologies that no one's heard but really, really important to transform in our relationships.

Speaker 3:

Oh, wow, yeah, love it. So in IBP we talk about a term called agency and for many years in the recovery community and just layman's self-help pop psychology, people talk about codependency and codependency no more. And I always love the term agency because this is the original psychological term and it also contains the antidote in it. Codependency doesn't necessarily contain an antidote other than just being aware that we're codependent and we can just walk around with that label forever. But what do we actually do about it? And so when we came into this world, the term agency is usually thought of as who are we representing in our life? Children who are seen, heard, understood and get that attunement and sense of presence. They develop something called self-agency, where they know if they want something they can ask for it and later on in life that translates into really knowing their inner voice, being able to move towards their dreams, pursue relationships that they want, pursue a career that they want and really trust in their inner voice, and that they can actually go out and create their life and have authorship over their life. So self-agency is the psychological term that a lot of us may be aware of, that infants who are in their core self, in their essence and all of us who are in our essence and understand that or want to return to our essence. We need to have self-agency. But what many of us learn in an IVP we talk about self-abandonment learned in our childhood. To adapt ourself and change ourself. To be loved, either to please perform, excel in life, treat ourself as an object or actually literally caretake or fix a parent where we should have been allowed to have our own voice and pursue and be supported in what we wanted for ourself. We had to reverse that and adapt and change ourself to live our life in agency or we could substitute codependency to everyone else outside of ourself. And we continue to recreate that in our adult life and we'll do anything. Please don't leave us, please love me, never leave me, please like me. It's like please pick me.

Speaker 3:

We're doing everything to be liked or to fix or perform and that energy really blocks authentic connection in our life. It blocks our connection from ourself. But then other people who we try to fix or control, we get or please, we get stuck in this role forever. We feel resentful towards them. They will eventually rebel and feel resentful towards us, and our kids will rebel against us as well if we don't empower them. So a lot of us have walked around with this high sense instead of agency to ourself, supporting, taking care of knowing who we are. We flip that in our childhood and our child self is driving the bus and continuing to live as a high agent, as if our survival depended upon pleasing, fixing, performing for other people to be loved. And it's debilitating, destabilizing. It leads to health problems in our body. It leads to lost relationships as well, because it pushes other people away. It doesn't get us what we want in our adult life. It may have helped us survive as a child, but it doesn't work now.

Speaker 1:

So I'd like the audience to understand this Like we have a cognitive thought, we're thinking about something, but what's actually happening in the body first?

Speaker 3:

And that's what you mean when you're talking about somatic. Is that correct? Yeah, so somatic is really the term I believe comes from soma, which is I believe it's a Latin term for the body. That's what I believe. But somatic means that we have a body and that the body has taken on all these perceptions and feelings and the body has reacted towards stress in our life all the way back from when we were in utero, all the way into our adult life, and that the body is actually before the mind. Much of therapy takes into account that the mind is really all that there is and all that we're working with. But when we come into this world, we're feeling-oriented beings. So if we just work with the mind and we don't work with somatics, which is the body, then we end up missing a real integral part of what shows up in our life and how we perceive the world. So somatic psychotherapy and somatic just means working with the body and how the body stores emotion, trauma, feelings and beliefs.

Speaker 1:

So I think just the idea of attunement is just being home with yourself, feeling your body, feeling your breath being really present, and is that how you would describe, just in a real simple layperson's term attunement as well.

Speaker 3:

Many of us haven't learned how to do that or haven't known how to do that, but it's about being present and then present with somebody else. And I would add that it's also about feeling that presence, not just in our head but in our body, and we want our children to potentially feel that as well, or anyone we're in relationship to feel that presence. So, presence in our body first, and feeling that presence, being present and then being present with another from that state where they could potentially feel that presence in their body. So that's what attunement is.

Speaker 1:

Within the framework of what you're teaching and positivity, is there anything that you can offer to people like a quick get into the body, a quick kind of like getting back to a neutral spot? Is there something that you offer and just something that people can literally take from the show or while they're listening to the show to kind of refine a neutral balance? Is that even possible?

Speaker 2:

It is, and I don't know if it takes us to a neutral balance, back to a positive balance, or just makes it a little less negative. I don't know, but it's in that direction. There's two, actually. I'm going to give you two. These are brain hacks. These are consistent with everything that we know about psychology, positive psychology, retraining and reprogramming the brain. So I'll give you two.

Speaker 2:

Okay, here's the first one gratitude. Now, this won't come as a surprise to a lot of folks, but here's the thing I'm going to invite you to do what I call the gratitude power-up. Most people, when they do a gratitude list or a gratitude journal, they do it the traditional way okay, which isn't bad, it's just not powerful. And the traditional way is you go list everything that you're grateful for, like your family and your health, and puppies and rainbows and indoor plumbing. Anybody can be grateful for those things. All right, here's the power-up part At least half of your list. I want you to do 25 things a day, okay. List 25 things that you're sincerely grateful for on your list, and at least half of your list each day has to be about the hard stuff the cancer, the alienation, the diagnosis, the circumstance that is kicking your butt. See, your brain is used to thinking about that only in negative terms. That's okay, because your brain's job is to keep you safe and prove you right, but knowing that we can ask our brain to go a different direction with it. What am I grateful for in this, from this about this, and notice I'm not saying be grateful for the cancer, like with my son. Open it up, look inside of it, rummage around, find something in there that you are grateful for. I've spent more quality time with my oldest son in the last three months than I have in the last decade.

Speaker 2:

Okay, am I grateful for that? Yeah, am I grateful for the cancer? Well, that's a harder ask, but that's where I found it. Without the cancer, I wouldn't have the benefits. So I'm asking you to do that. So, 25 things each day. Half of your list, at least half. That's 13. If you're doing the math is about the hard stuff. Do that for five days in a row. That's what I call the gratitude power-up. It changes the game because you're asking your brain to do something different in evaluation mode. Okay, you ready for the second one?

Speaker 1:

Well, just to reflect on the first one is incredibly powerful and I love the power-up and just this analogy and this image I have in my head of just like opening up a piece of fruit and really looking what's inside and investigating and just like you do with your son and the cancer, and that's where the juice is, and, yeah, that's very beautiful and that is wicked. Number one I can't wait for number two. Let's hear it.

Speaker 2:

And number one is powerful and I have seen it save lives. I'm not exaggerating that at all. It's a lifesaver, it's a life changer. It will redirect your brain. Okay, here's the second one. This one is equally as powerful and this has to do with creation mode. Okay, so just consider for a minute. Look at your watch, or whatever. Notice what time it is. How sure are you? How certain are you that eight o'clock is coming? Pretty sure.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, okay, how sure are you that you'll be around at eight o'clock? Some people are like, oh, I don't know, but you've made it to every eight o'clock so far your whole life, and there's two every day if you don't get up early. So you got a pretty good track record. You're going to be around at eight. There's only two option. I used to think there were three, but I eliminated the third option because I don't think it's possible for things to be exactly the same at eight o'clock as they are right now. At the very least, you're going to be a little older, aren't you? You might be more hungry, more tired, I don't know, depends on what you did just before eight. So notice this Things have to be by your own evaluation, which you can't turn off, either better or worse at eight o'clock, by your own judgment.

Speaker 1:

Now, do you think you can make things worse by?

Speaker 2:

eight. Notice that, because if you can make a mess, that's really good news, because you can make, and that's good news. Okay, what you make is up to you. So instead of a mess, here's the second brain hack Better by eight. I call this BB-8. It's kind of like the little droid on Star Wars. Bb-8 stands for better by eight. What could I do to make some aspect of my life better by eight? I'm not talking next week, next month or next year. Eight o'clock and notice what your brain does with that. It's like, oh well, I could do this or that, and pick any aspect you want.

Speaker 2:

It could be your relationship, it could be your finances, it could be your health, it could be nutrition, I don't care. Pick something. You can do multiple if you want. You're the creator, you decide that. But pick something to make things better by eight that, but pick something to make things better by eight.

Speaker 1:

How does that feel?

Speaker 2:

That feels good, I like that. Yeah, that's hope. See, we can generate hope on demand, which means there's far too much unnecessary death and suffering out there Better by eight. If you will do this for the same five days, you get to have 10 upgrades in the next five days. How awesome is that.

Speaker 1:

That is great. Better by eight gratitude power, half of gratitude power-ups and their brain hacks. I love that you introduced that and so many of us are so dysregulated at times just practicing those things like I've practiced a regular gratitude list for a very long time but your invitation to open up that gratitude list and dig into some of these constructs or ideas that we're really really struggling with and see where the juice is, and I love that.

Speaker 2:

Just a little acknowledgement, Lawrence and this is maybe a warning that when you ask your brain, what am I grateful for in this hard thing, your brain sometimes turns that into a statement disguised as a question what is there to be grateful for in this? You hear the exclamation point. It's not a question, it's a statement disguised as a question. So watch out for that and make it a question what is there to be grateful for in this?

Speaker 1:

is there to be grateful for in this. Huh, that was a great show. I really dug it. I forget how much great, interesting stuff we've done over the course of the last year and a half. I hope you enjoyed the show and I would love to hear from you. You can always email me at familydisappeared, at gmailcom, and again, I said this at the beginning of the show, we are a 501c3 nonprofit and we do need your support to keep bringing you free content and have free resources available, and some of us are resourced more and some of us are resourced less and give what you can, and some people can give a substantial amount and some people might just volunteer to be of service. Both are welcome and both are equally important. So I just wanted to say that out loud and thanks for coming along for the journey today.

Speaker 1:

The next episode we're actually going to have the best of with attorneys, legal system judges, any of that kind of stuff that we've taped over the last year or so. Check out the show notes, a bunch of other resources, free 12-step program, the Family Hope Project, which is a great way for you to represent what your story is through art. With that being said, I think that's enough from me, and if no one's told you yet today I love you, I forgot to say wow, that was a wow, wow, wow compilation of some of our best, best of professional stuff, whatever you want to call it. Anyway, I love you. If you haven't heard that today, you're hearing it now and it might sound strange to you. But we get to love. You know, we get to be, we get to expand, we get to navigate the world in a more loving way, even though we're in pain. At least that's been my experience. I hope to see you around the neighborhood and have a beautiful day.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for taking the time to join me on this episode of Family Disappeared Podcast. Do you know someone who can benefit from what we're discussing on today's episode? If so, please share this podcast with them and anyone else in your community that might be interested in changing their lives. Together we'll continue the exploring, growing and healing journey. I will see you on our next episode. Until then, happy days to all.