Family Disappeared

How Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Heals Parental Alienation & Rebuilds Family Bonds – Ep 104

• Lawrence Joss

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In this episode, Lawrence Joss explores the complexities of estrangement and the transformative power of nonviolent communication (NVC). He discusses the emotional turmoil experienced by both parents and children in estranged relationships, emphasizing the importance of empathy and understanding. Through real-life examples, he illustrates how NVC can facilitate healing and connection, even in the most challenging situations. The conversation highlights the need for space, boundaries, and the role of support systems in navigating difficult family dynamics. Joss encourages listeners to practice NVC in everyday interactions and to engage with their community for support and growth.

Key Takeaways

  • Nonviolent communication is crucial for healing relationships.
  • Understanding emotions is key to effective communication.
  • Children in estranged relationships often feel overwhelmed and confused.
  • Honesty must be paired with compassion to avoid harm.
  • Creating space and boundaries is essential for emotional well-being.
  • Reflecting feelings back to others fosters connection.
  • Support systems play a vital role in navigating estrangement.
  • Practicing empathy can transform everyday interactions.
  • Acknowledging the complexity of feelings leads to better understanding.
  • Community engagement is important for personal growth and healing.

Chapters

00:00 - Understanding the Impact of Parental Alienation
02:56 - The Power of Nonviolent Communication
06:03 - Navigating Difficult Conversations with Children
08:45 - Emotional Responses and Understanding Needs
12:05 - Building Bridges Through Reflection
14:56 - Real-Life Applications of Nonviolent Communication
17:41 - Addressing Feelings of Abandonment
21:01 - Creating Connection in Challenging Situations
23:51 - The Importance of Community Support
26:41 - Finding Paths Forward in Relationships
30:02 - Encouragement and Closing Thoughts

If you wish to connect with Lawrence Joss or any of the PA-A community members who have appeared as guests on the podcast:

Email - familydisappeared@gmail.com
Linktree: https://linktr.ee/lawrencejoss

(All links mentioned in the podcast are available in Linktree)

Please donate to support PAA programs:
https://www.paypal.com/donate?hosted_button_id=SDLTX8TBSZNXS

This podcast is made possible by the Family Disappeared Team:
Anna Johnson- Editor/Contributor/Activist/Co-host
Glaze Gonzales- Podcast Manager

Connect with Lawrence Joss:
Website: https://parentalalienationanonymous.com/
Email- familydisappeared@gmail.com

Speaker 1:

And it's not about you, the parent, and it's not about me, the parent, or the grandparents, about this poor young person who's just trying not to die. Can you imagine the amount of anxiety and confusion they're processing in their bodies? With a limited life experience, there was a time in my life when I was overwhelmed and underwater. Those days are the inspiration for this podcast. This is by far the ultimate healing journey for all of us. Healing ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically is paramount to this journey. From this place of grounding, we can all go out into the world and change all our interactions and relationships. We can engage people from an integrated and resourced place. This is a journey of coming home to ourselves. In today's episode, we'll start to explore some of these issues. Let's begin the healing journey today. Welcome to the Family Disappeared podcast. Hi, my name is Lawrence Joss and welcome to the Family Disappeared podcast.

Speaker 1:

As you can see, I'm sitting on the deck and I'm still on the big island in Hawaii. If you're brand new to the community, there's some episodes that have been taped on the big island, off grid, learning a whole new life, and you can see all the colors behind me. I've been painting this old meditation center that I'm living in Every bright color in the moon, so you can literally see it from anywhere in the world. It's just a little bit of sarcasm and a joke. Anyway, with that being said, we have a great show today. You know, nonviolent communication has been one of the most important aspects of my recovery and I've met some incredible people in the nonviolent communication world and I've transformed so many of my relationships like to the degree that it's unbelievable and over the nearly five years that we've had the nonprofit going, it's helped so many different people in responding to emails, responding to texts, writing emails, writing texts. And you would think, hey, this just has to do with my kids, my grandkids, my parents, whatever direction you're going in, but it has to do with every single relationship in my life and I think it might be really useful for you too.

Speaker 1:

So we have compiled a lot of texts and different messages people have sent over the course of the last several years and we're just pulling out snippets of these different messages and we're just coming up with what's a good response. Why is it a good response? What's a couple different ways to look at it, and I just think it'll be really useful for you to start using this when you want to respond and how you respond and how quickly you respond, and I'm also would love to get some new content. So if you have an email, a text, something that felt really upregulating and you responded, or you didn't know how to respond, or you responded and it blew up and you want to kind of like dig into some of that stuff and get some other different ideas on how you could have responded, email those to us, please, familydisappearedatgmailcom, and we'll pick 10 or 20 of those and do a little bit longer content, read a little longer content. Definitely remove all your personal information, like your name or your kid's name, put something else in there or leave it blank. I think that'll be really fun. And again, if you're new to the community, welcome.

Speaker 1:

There's over 100 episodes that we've already taped, based on therapists, lawyers, professionals in the industries, a lot of panels with parents and grandparents and kids that were previously alienated some really phenomenal content. We've created a bunch of different playlists. We'd love to hear from you if there's parts that we're missing, that you want to hear more about, or for us to find guests, or even if you have some guests that you're like whoa, this is a person we should be hearing from in the community. Love to hear that. I just set up a couple interviews with, uh, someone out there that recommended and introduced me to a couple people that they have found incredibly useful, and there's a bunch of great stuff in the show notes. We have a free 12-step program, parental alienation anonymous. It's a wonderful place to build community, build resilience, build resource and it might be great for you and it might not, and and whatever it is, find community, because I can't do this alone. This is way, way too hard and way too big for me and it cuts really deep sometimes, and sometimes I'm enjoying. I want to celebrate with other people that are also reclaiming parts of their life, and the 12-step program is a place where we reclaim our lives in a completely different way. We're also a 501c3 nonprofit. Donate if you can Help, and it's not about you, it's about the next person that's looking for help. Maybe we get to them sooner than we got to you. I know for me there was nothing out there when I started looking and now there's a bunch of resources, but we still need to educate people and let them know that the resources are out there. So donate for someone else Check out the show notes, a bunch of other resources. We'll stick a bunch of NVC stuff in there too and once we get enough donations we'll be starting up our NVC trainings again, where you'll actually get to have live trainings and pre-recorded trainings and learn more about the stuff and how it can transform your life. And with that let's get into NVC and, again, nonviolent communication.

Speaker 1:

I always thought I was a good communicator, I was honest, I was direct. I started on the spiritual journey and all this pain 18, 19, 20 years ago that I actually can track it and it was probably since my first child was born. But I thought I was a good communicator and I was honest. I heard in some 12-step rooms that honesty without compassion is violence and I'm like what. I'm like, I'm honest and people need to know the truth. And the thing is that sometimes I'm really honest and I'm trying to get rid of a feeling inside of me and I want that other person to feel my anger, my frustration, my sadness and I dump my stuff out on them. So honesty is really important and it's integral that we present it in a really useful way. And sometimes we don't, and that's me. I practice as hard as I can and sometimes I mess up, and there's a lot of grace in that too, because none of this stuff is perfect. So I thought I was a great communicator and I was on a retreat at Upaya, which is a Zen center in Santa Fe, new Mexico Great programs, there's some really great stuff if you're looking for some places to go in person and some stuff to practice.

Speaker 1:

And we had this gentleman Fleetmore that was given a lecture and a lot of stuff on death and dying there, a lot of people coming out of the hospice industry and doing some really wonderful stuff. And he mentions this thing NBC and he talks a little bit about communication and stuff like that. And at that particular time I was in so much pain that if someone mentioned something twice or passed through my email twice, I would just show up. Mentioned something twice or passed through my email twice, I would just show up. So I left that retreat and three or four months later I found an ITT, which is an international intensive training, an IIT, and it was eight or nine days. I never read the book, I never did anything and I just showed up in this community and it's one of the best things I ever did for myself.

Speaker 1:

I had some practice with reflective listening, which is just kind of reflecting back what the other person is saying. But MVC actually gave me a framework to transform every relationship in my life, including my relationship with myself, and I went to that first thing. And there's a thing in Buddhism called beginner's mind, and beginner's mind is that place where you're actually walking into something new and you don't really have a preconceived notion and you can absorb different things and you can actually come from a place of creativity. And MVC changed my life. It changed the way that I communicate, it changed the way that I listen, it changed the way that I share my honest feelings and it also gives me space for pause and it gives me some useful tools to really see what I am saying is loving, kind and necessary, or if I'm just trying to dispel how I'm feeling and I want that person to understand my hurt. And sometimes me being honest in that way creates more pain and harm to myself and the other person than not saying anything at all or saying in a different kind of way. So that's my long version of how I came to NVC, and it was probably 16, 17 years ago and I don't know, let's see what people wrote in and see if this is useful or not.

Speaker 1:

Here's a provocative one to start with. I don't want you in my life. Stop contacting me. So I know me as a parent and as a grandparent. If I get something like that, it's like just cuts to the bone. You know, my soul's on fire and I'm like what? And especially in the early days, when there's no concept of what is happening on an emotional and cognitive level with the children, with the grandchildren, you know, even with the parents. Sometimes, just because someone's older doesn't mean that they've done a lot of meaningful spiritual and emotional work of young adults or adults are trying to connect with their parents. So getting stuff like that is just, it's debilitating.

Speaker 1:

I remember just crying and just being confused and not understanding the language and knowing that I'm a good parent and I did so much good stuff and my initial thing is to go whoa, whoa there, bessie. Don't know why I say whoa there, bessie, but I did and say, hey, this isn't cool, like I'm a good father, why are you talking to me like that? Stop. Okay, let's look at that again. I don't want you in my life. Stop trying to contact me. I think a way I would have responded in the past is like what's wrong with you? Like I haven't done anything to you. Stop being a brat. You know, like I'm your dad, treat me with respect. I paid for your school, I did X, y and Z. Like who do you think you are to talk to me that way? Like that's my initial thing that comes up or came up, you know, as I practice this new modality of communicating. It doesn't come up that way anymore.

Speaker 1:

You know NVC has a process where you're trying to understand the other person's feelings and needs and then see if there's a necessary guess of what they're wanting or if there's something you can offer that's useful and it's not about you. And in Al-Anon, which our 12-step program is based on and Al-Anon is Al-Anon family groups it was created for family members of alcoholics and I think a lot of this, like behavior with alienating parent and the person that has this trauma and bring it into the family system in a really intense way, is very similar to an alcoholic in my experience. You know it's like a distorted reality and you can't figure anything out and then the whole family system kind of gets affected. So we know what my my initial reaction would be. So now let's break it down a little bit. I don't want you in my life. Like what is the child, a young adult feeling like I don't want you in my life. Like what is the child a young adult feeling like I don't want you in my life?

Speaker 1:

My guesses would be that they're feeling overwhelmed, that they're scared, that they're confused, that they're getting a distorted image from you that is very different than the other parent and they're trying to reconcile this in their brain and developmentally I don't think it's really really really possible for them to fully understand. Like the brain is fully formed sometime between 26 and 27. But the more important part, it seems like, is critical thinking only comes online in the early 30s and critical thinking is kind of like moving away from that black and white thinking and moving to all the different colors of the rainbow, where it's not just this person said this and this person said that, let me pick which one is right and the other one goes away. It's like oh, there's all these other things happening in life too, and and the kids need life experience and time and growth to get to those different colors. You know, and the research shows like that's a really big opportunity and a time to reconnect with older kids, young adults, adults and there's plenty of times to reconnect with kids and young adults with something like nonviolent communication. Because I did that. I did that with my youngest daughter and I still have a wonderful relationship with her.

Speaker 1:

So, again, I don't want you in my life. I'm thinking the kid's scared, the kid's nervous, the kid's anxious, the kid's like I can't keep doing this, I can't keep getting pulled in these different directions and at some point they need to pick something. And they're not necessarily picking the reality, they're picking the thing that's not going to kill them in the moment and that might just be saying, hey, I don't want you in my life. And it's not about you, the parent, and it's not about me, the parent, or the grandparents, about this poor young person who's just trying not to die. Can you imagine the amount of anxiety and confusion they're processing in their bodies with the limited life experience, like, let's just take a breath and go, wow, like how much energy is my child, grandchild processing, you know?

Speaker 1:

And if it's your parent that you're estranged or alienated from or chosen to take a break from, like and they haven't done emotional work, they're in a different situation because they have a lot more life experience but they still don't have the capacity to hold the emotional experience and they cut off. They can't necessarily process it either. If it was an older person and they were telling their child that they don't want them in their life, I would think that they're just feeling also super scared. They are shut down and have to protect themselves, and scared if they open up their heart that they're going to die. They're just trying to live too. You know, that's the current theme, like sometimes, if we take a step back, what the child's feeling and what the parent's feeling in these situations that are so polarized, there's a lot of the same kind of feelings going on. So if you're feeling angry, scared, confused, anxious, pretty sure the child's feeling that too, or the parent's feeling that too.

Speaker 1:

And the second part of that is stop trying to contact me, right, like hey, I need a break, leave me alone, I can't handle this. This is too much. My body's shutting down, I'm in pain, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to navigate anything right. Those are like the different things I would think someone is thinking. So let's think like from a nonviolent communication standpoint, we identified some of the feelings and what is the need? The need is don't contact me. I need to be able to breathe. I need some space. I need to regulate or find some kind of schedule or something that's going to make my life feel more manageable. I don't want you in my life is the same thing. It's just like I need some space, I need to breathe.

Speaker 1:

So, from a nonviolent communication standpoint, we want to reflect back what they're actually feeling and saying. I don't want to make it about myself. I don't want you in my life, dad. How would I respond to that? I'd go oh, I'm hearing that you're feeling overwhelmed and don't really have the energy to engage with me right now. That makes a lot of sense. There's a lot of stuff coming at you and I'd feel overwhelmed too and I think I would want less context. I totally understand that. I think that's a valid feeling, right, and that seems counterintuitive.

Speaker 1:

But if I remove myself and just look at what they're feeling and what they're needing and if I can reflect that back to them, think how good that would be if someone reflected that back to you. Then I get a chance to attune to them, and attune is just us energetically connecting, because there's all this anger, there's this frustration, there's fear, there's this anxiety and if we can't find a path that connects the two of us, that conversation is going nowhere. And I know you've had texts or emails or in-person conversations with your kids, grandkids, boss, starbucks person, someone at the market, someone in the parking lot. If you can't create that attunement and you can't create that bridge to connect with each other, you're done the conversation's over. You're yelling, screaming, fighting, getting hurt, building a new resentment. It doesn't work and that's why we're reflecting back what they're actually saying.

Speaker 1:

And the second part of that is similar to the first. So stop trying to contact with me. Oh, you want a break from me. Right now You're feeling again overwhelmed and you can't manage your life. Go to school and do everything else you have to do in life and stay in contact with me. Right now it's feeling overwhelming to you. You're really feeling like you can't necessarily breathe right now, and I get that and that's real, and I just want to let you know that that is real and I felt that way in my life too, and I'm sorry that you're going through that and it was probably as a shorter version of that. You want to send less words and more words, and I will put these comments, or a link to these comments, in the show notes and I'll put down some quick little blurbs, because this is a little bit more encompassing and maybe bigger, but I'm just trying to give you some different ideas and stuff like that and I hope that's super useful.

Speaker 1:

And, like I said, I'm out on the big island and I'm going to tell you a story, because I know you want to hear a story, and I bought this car and it was broken down for two months and I just got it back. So I've been driving it for two, two and a half weeks and I went to meet my friend Malik to go to the beach in this place that you're not going to find unless you're a local. So we're by a bridge that's closed down and I get there and I get out of my car and I'm like huh, it smells like it's burning. So we pop the engine I mean the hood and you know, no oil, there's oil all over the engine. So there's some kind of leak, right. So that's just the front part of the story. And so I'll get a tow truck and then I'm going to get towed to like the local Ford dealership and then decide I'm going to get towed home and I think it's just the oil filters leak and I can just get it fixed at my place, but it's like 30 or 40 minutes further away. So the tow truck driver pulls up. He starts loading up the car. I said, hey, did you get the update? You know I'm needing to go somewhere else.

Speaker 1:

And he gets super triggered and frustrated because it's later in the day. You can feel the tension coming off him. And what do you do? Like you want to get your card towed, you want to get back to your place, you call triple a, you're paying for it, whatever, and dude's frustrated. So old me would have been like what, this is your job, let's get it done. You know I mean I'm not, maybe not in those words, but the energy would have been like what, this is your job, let's get it done. You know what I mean and maybe not in those words, but the energy would have been there. And instead it was like oh wow, this is super frustrating and surprising to you. Like you were just thinking we're popping back into Hilo and it's a 25 minute drive and now you're stuck with me for two hours and he's like yeah, and I had plans and I'm not really sure what to do here, well, what's the best path forward? And he took a couple of minutes and stuff like that. And then he acknowledged hey, you know what I mean? I blew up at you and it had nothing to do with you. I was frustrated with my dispatcher and I'm like thank you for that, and I'd be really irritated with my dispatcher too, and I'm guessing this happens often and it puts you in a really crappy situation and you're the one that's interfacing with the person with the car trouble. And that's NVC. That's a skill that I learned. And then we had an hour drive or hour and 10 minute drive back to my place and it was great. There was some awkward silences, but overall it was great. And at the end he said thank you very much and sorry about what I did, and I said would have acted a lot worse. So I just want to acknowledge that I appreciate you still showing up for the experience and making it relatively easy. So that's nonviolent communication and real life stuff.

Speaker 1:

And if you don't know a way to practice this, I suggest practice it at the market. The dry cleaners just show up and, if someone says something to you, reflect back what's going on. Like you're at the checker and the checker's like checking your goods. You're like, hi, how are you today? And the checker's like, eh, I'm doing okay, and that's it. And you go, oh, I'm guessing you're really tired, maybe your shift's just about over. And the checker's like, yeah, I'm tired, like this has long been on my feet the whole day. And you go, yeah, sounds terrible to be on your feet the whole day. I can see why you'd be tired and you just want to get out of here. And now I have someone else that I've created a bridge with and I've created a tune with, and that's a really simple and low value interaction, but it's a great place to practice. Okay, I'm going to jump into another one over here and we're going to keep going. Oof, oh, wow, this is a rough one. I, oh, wow, this is a rough one. I feel this. I feel this one in my body. So yeah, yeah, just be prepared.

Speaker 1:

You were never there when I needed you. Why would I want you now? So you were never there when I needed you. So just think for a second here. Like what is this person feeling? You were never there for me when I needed you. Like, yeah, again, your first thing is going to be a good parent. I was always there, I was working my ass off, I was doing this, I was doing that, I was cooking for you, I was driving to school, to karate, you know, whatever you were doing, I painted your room.

Speaker 1:

And those are your feelings, which are valid and real too. Yeah, this is not to devalue your feelings, but this is to figure out what the other person is feeling, because you love them and care about them enough or you care about yourself enough that you want to have a human connection. So in them saying this that you were never there for me when I needed you, I would say they're feeling angry, frustrated, abandoned, invisible, not good enough. Just think about it. Think about all those different things that your child, grandchild or someone else in your life could be feeling Not good enough, abandoned, hated, distrusted, less favored than other siblings. There's so many different things that actually could be underneath that in feelings, and that's all we're trying to identify with nonviolent communication. Before we respond, before we decide to project our reality onto what they're saying, we need to acknowledge their reality, that it's real and it does take emotional labor and it does take intentionality, but it's life-saving.

Speaker 1:

And on the second part of that is, why would I want you now? What would be underneath that? A feeling underneath that is why would I want you now would be mistrust, super tired, lack of capacity, overwhelm, fear. You know, like, just think about that fear, like if I did say I wanted you now. And then I have all these other complexities in my life to deal with which might be, you know, your ex-partner, might be their new partner, might be other family members, new in-laws, relatives, it could be anyone. So you just take a moment and really let these things sink into your body and just the complexity of what that other person might be feeling. So now we have this information, you were never there for me when I needed you. Why would I want you now? How do we respond to that? So I'm like I'm hearing I'm guessing a great low entry pieces to play with, and that's what I suggest and that's what we're going to stay with for this episode. Pieces to play with, and that's what I'd suggest and that's what we're going to stay with for this episode.

Speaker 1:

I'm hearing that you're feeling like I never showed up in your life that you couldn't count on me, that you went through some really hard times and you're like where are you dad, where are you mom, where are you parent, where are you, whoever that person is like? I had to go through that myself. So I'm hearing that you felt abandoned and alone and that I was never there for you and it really, really, really, really hurt, and that you want me to know how painful it was. And if someone would do that to me and I'd go to someone and they weren't really there for me, I'd be pissed and hurt too and I wouldn't want anything to do with them. So what you're saying, you know, makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 1:

I just want to tell you that and I'm also guessing that having me in your life now would seem like it would just be the same old thing. And why would you want to invest any energy or deal with any of the other your life relationships and complicate them by having me in your life? It makes sense Like, yeah, it sounds like you're happy and life is moving along, and adding me to that is just going to put a tremendous amount of pressure on you. One hundred percent. I couldn't agree with that thought process more, you know. Thank you for sharing that with me. And that's what a reflection looks like.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes this is for us too, because I get so angry and so hurt by some of the messages that I used to get not so much anymore and I didn't have the languaging or the understanding how to break that down and process that. And now I do. Now I can understand all these feelings and I can understand the need for safety, the need for autonomy, the need to be able to say, hey, stay away from me and just acknowledge and oh, wow, you don't want me in your space right now. It feels overwhelming. I totally get that. Yeah, you want a little bit of a break for me. If that was me hearing that, I go yeah, yeah, dad, I want a break from you. I'm tired, I can't keep doing this. Yeah, dad, I want a break from you.

Speaker 1:

It's so hard to try live with these two different worlds and have a relationship, go to college, have a job. Like I can't, I can't keep doing, I'm just, I'm overwhelmed. Dad, just leave me alone, right? And you're creating connection by acknowledging their lived situation and their life experience. Just because ours is different doesn't make theirs non-existent or not real. They're actually feeling and living this and they're in this what looks like a distorted world to us, but it's their real world. So don't tell them it's not real, don't tell them it's not valid, validated.

Speaker 1:

Let them know yeah, right, so we got this person saying that, hey, you were never there for me and I would. I want you in my life now. And we've validated their feelings and they're going to say something back and then we continue this conversation and eventually we might get to a place where we can ask for something different. We can go oh yeah, you don't want me in your life. It's feeling overwhelming, like does it feel manageable if we say we'll reconnect in a week? Or does it feel manageable like let me give you a week or two and then I'll reach back out? How does that sound to you? The person could go yeah, sounds great, let me have a week or two just to be still, and then you figure out what the next step is.

Speaker 1:

And in the beginning, in the introduction, I told you that we have a free 12-step program and for me it was invaluable in the early days when I'd get these texts and these emails or have these conversations, that I go talk to other people that were going through similar stuff and would come up with different ideas, and that's wonderful. And I would find someone in your community that you really trust that has a communication skill set, something like NBC, something that's compassion and empathy based, because there's a lot of people that are going to give you a lot of advice on what to say, how to respond, when to respond, but it's going to be I-centric. It's not going to be about the other person, it's not going to be about communication. And I'm talking your lawyer, your therapist, your psychologist, your doctor, whoever Just because they're a professional doesn't mean that they're highly trained in actually connecting and creating a dialogue with people. This is a practice if you want to have an opportunity to have healing and useful relationships in your life and also put yourself in the position that, when you do reconnect with whatever loved one you're disconnected from, that you have a to have healing and useful relationships in your life and also put yourself in the position that, when you do reconnect with whatever loved one you're disconnected from, that you have a platform to connect from.

Speaker 1:

Let me get one more here on this segment of the show. Let me see what I can find, okay, don't show up at my graduation, don't show up at my prom, don't show up at my hair coloring, whatever it is like. Oh, that's messed up. I up, I paid for your college. That sucks. I took you to school every day for the last 10 years. Great, those are your feelings. Those are my feelings. They're really valid and they're real. And again, yes, your feelings are real.

Speaker 1:

Go talk to a friend, go to a meeting, find a support group, talk about my child, my parents. Someone said this to me and I'm hurt, hurt like hell and sucks, and I hate them. And who do they think they are and yell about it. Get that out. But this part of the equation is about connection. Everything out is valid. Go do all those things. I do those things. I just don't do with my child or the person that I'm in conflict anymore. I work it out somewhere else. So I have an opportunity to connect with people. Because when I don't connect and I continue the resentment and I continue the cycle, it hurts me more than anyone else. I don't want to do that to myself anymore. So you might think this nonviolent communication, this empathy-based process and reflecting back to other people is about making them feel better and that is a component. But the more important component is I feel better, I have a better understanding of the dynamic and I'm not creating more harm in my life, I'm not creating more conflict in my life. I'm not creating all this other anxiety in my life because I'm engaging in a different part of the conversation. Right, so don't come to my graduation.

Speaker 1:

I'm feeling this a little one because my middle daughter had to be like 17 or so, maybe 18, and she was going to a prom and she's like don't come to my prom. And I'm like I want to respect her, I want to respect what she's asking. I don't want to show up, I don't want to make her uncomfortable, anything like that. So I call my sponsor at this point. I'm living in Southern California, in Valencia, and I'm pacing around in my garage just crying, just teared up, like I love my daughter, I love my daughters, I want to be involved. I've been involved to this point this is right when stuff has fallen apart with my middle daughter and I'm just crushed. So I'm like, based on my conversation with my sponsor and what I knew at the time, I just didn't go.

Speaker 1:

I landed up seeing my daughter a little bit after that and she's like did you go to my prom? And? And at that time I didn't have the skill set, I didn't know anything about nonviolent communication and I'm thinking what the hell? You told me not to come? I might have even said that I'm like I respected you and didn't come because that's what you asked for.

Speaker 1:

So now let's break this down from a nonviolent communication perspective. Hey dad, I don't want you to come to my prom. I'm hearing you tell me you don't want me to come to your prom. It's going to feel super uncomfortable and overwhelming. It's just going to maybe mess up your day, right? She's like yeah, like you're just going to create harm and you're going to act out and you're going to say something negative to mom or whatever it is, and it's going to ruin my day and I just want it to be about me. I, it's your special day. You've been waiting 17 or 18 years for this and you just want to enjoy it and you don't want me to complicate that.

Speaker 1:

And she's like yeah, yeah, stay away and I could be okay. I totally respect that and I'm not gonna come. And if you decide that me just standing in the background and maybe you not even see me feels appropriate. Just let me know. Just let me know that it's okay to do that and I won't be there for pictures or anything. I just want to kind of watch. Okay to do that, and I won't be there for pictures or anything. I just want to kind of watch, might be okay for you. She's like no, she's like okay, you can do that. But I've acknowledged that she's really excited about the special day and really nervous about the special day, and then what she's saying makes sense and I can respect that and validate it. And then I can also ask say hey, maybe I can stay in the background and then I get to make another decision as a parent Do I just want to show up and stay in the background? Do I just want to show up and continue to parent At that particular time?

Speaker 1:

I never went, and this version of Lawrence would have used nonviolent communication and I think I would have created connection and I think I would have found a path forward to go. And if I didn't find a path forward to go, I think I would have gone and just watched and stayed in the background and not created any kind of harm. And it's a toss up. There's no right or wrong here, and just because I'm giving you some pointers and sharing some experience and hope with you, it doesn't mean that there's the right way and the wrong way. There's just different ways and non-violent communication is a different way and life affirming life changing and has given me the best opportunity to change the trajectory of my life, which it has in so many different relationships.

Speaker 1:

So we're going to do a couple segments on this. I'll literally go through three different things and I think I have 90, so I'm going to pick out some more, maybe do another one to two episodes on this and keep talking about it, and the ones that I do cover and talk about I'll throw in the show notes. I'll put a couple simple responses. That would be really great, and I'd love you to respond on YouTube or whatever social media channel you're seeing this on, or just send us out an email. Let us know some of your ideas, how you would respond, and I'd love to share that with the community. Again, family disappeared. At gmailcom I will respond. Sometimes I'm slow, sometimes I'm really really quick. It depends if I'm off grid or if I have access to internet all the time. And welcome to the community.

Speaker 1:

If you're new, remember there's a bunch of resources in the show notes the free 12 step program. We're a 501 C3 nonprofit. Donate. Let us bring these programs to you to help. Right now we don't have the resources. We don't fundraise really efficiently, we don't grant right really efficiently, and those are skill sets of yours and you want to volunteer and help us do that stuff so we can just just get money from other sources and the community doesn't have to come up and put all these programs in motion. That'd be wonderful too, and if not, we'll continue bringing you what we can with the resources that we do have.

Speaker 1:

And yeah, what a good show, what an interesting conversation I'm having with myself out here in the jungle and I'm hoping that it lands usefully. I want to hear how it lands. I want you to comment, I want you to share, I want you to tell us a victory, tell us that you practice one of these things at the market and say, wow, I have this person that I see all the time checking me out, never had a conversation. And I said hello and said how are you? And they said you know what I mean, I'm having a crappy day. And I said, hey, yeah, long days and working here and having to deal with the public sounds super challenging, or you know. I don't know how all the days aren't crappy and see what happens next. Okay, I love you. I don't know if anyone's told you yet.

Speaker 1:

Today I have a one person on a voice memo. Tell me that today. So I'd like to hear that more often and I hope you're having a beautiful day. I hope to see you around the neighborhood like share, donate, do your thing, don't do your thing. Let us know if there's other folks or conversations you'd like us to have, or even if, like you, like this, let me know. We'll do more of this and I'd love to do some live q and a's, but who knows, we'll see what my capacity is.

Speaker 1:

Have a beautiful day, love you. This is funny. I used to see myself saying love you. I'm like someone said that to me and I was just popping on like this person's just a knucklehead, but yeah, I feel some joy in being a knucklehead. Thanks for taking the time to join me on this episode of family disappeared podcast. Do you know someone who can benefit from what we're discussing on today's episode? If please, share this podcast with them and anyone else in your community that might be interested in changing their lives. Together we'll continue the exploring, growing and healing journey. I will see you on our next episode. Until then, happy days to all.