Terrific Twos: Unpacking Patience with My Toddler

Dive into episode 16 of The Family of One Podcast! I share how I reframed the "terrible twos" as the "terrific twos," discovering patience within myself during my child's toddler tantrums. With my sister’s support and encouragement, I found a better way to discipline, learned to say no, and realized the value of key people, like close family members, I could visit for help. I also explore how I learned to have heart conversations with myself during these moments. Tune in for love, laughter, and mom wisdom!

Transcript

UNKNOWN: 0:00

Bye.

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

amazing Only Child Mums, I'm 4 Comment, your part-time working mum friend who loves Yahweh, family and fun. Welcome to the family of one where we share joys and adventures of raising an only child. Expect relatable stories, parenting laughs and faithful tips. Let's make small family life enjoyable. Welcome back. Now this episode I'm going to talk about toddler's tantrums. I feel like I need a drum roll when I say that. Toddler's tantrums and finding your peace or finding your patience during those moments. Now I have to say when Olivia joined those stages, you may have heard the saying, Is it the terrible twos? I did not experience that because I told myself, I am not going to experience it. When she was two, I changed it. And I would say these, I didn't say terrible twos. I say terrific twos or wonderful twos. Twos are my best year to learn about myself, best year to learn about herself. And so I didn't, I didn't go through that stage experiencing it. Now, it's all relative because I'm sure if you were asked, my sister, my grandmother, my husband, you would find me crying in the middle, crying. At some point, maybe... I was tired once again. Maybe I was overwhelmed. But during those times, what I learned about myself was communication. Because I remember, okay, so... I think, okay, I started doing timeout. Timeout for us, you're like, what's a timeout? Because everybody's definition of timing out is different. Your interpretation. For us, we use timeout where she would sit because we have a bi-level. So she would sit on the steps and I would be like an arm's length away from her. If I asked her to... Cause she's two, two or three. Like if she wanted something and I asked her to say please, or ask her to wait, or I'm trying to not have an instant gratification. And boy, I was good at that. I mean, my daughter would like cry and make a noise. And mommy was there or I need a, I need a drink. Oh, what do you need? Do you need food? I'll hold you. I mean, I don't think I really allowed her to use the words because, I mean, that's extreme. And so I started seeing behaviors where she would make a noise and I'll come running, right? Or my husband and I would be like, oh no, we would have to... We literally jumped to everything that she wanted. And I tell you, I'm sure you're laughing right now because you're like, I cannot believe you're the mom. I was. And then I got tired. And then I got exhausted. And then I called my sister and said, hey, I think there's something wrong with her because... Everything that she wants, I give it to her. And she's not being thankful. And I'll explain that situation. My sister, she's so good. She'll be like, okay, let's process through. Because right now you're crying. And she'll be like, where's Olivia? I'm like, oh, she's right next to me. And she's happy. But I can't understand why I'm so tired and I'm crying. And so I was, and then I would say, she's not listening. I'll tell her, pick up your toy or just wait on a minute and she'll make a noise. And then I'll be like, oh no, I'm feeling like the worst mom ever. Cause she's making that. I think I'll have to bring my sister along because she, she gave me such good advice and I'm laughing about it now, but I didn't realize how much I taught my daughter those behaviors. And so because I was jumping and she could just point and make a noise, I would like do everything as much as I could without like, hold on a minute, let's just back it up a bit.

UNKNOWN: 5:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 5:19

Let's back this bus up and see what is going on. So my sister helped me to process that. So we came up with a solution that worked for all of us and me to be like, I'm the parent and she's the child. And it's okay for her to wait. And it's okay because she's in a safe place. If I say not to hold on a minute, let me finish my cup of tea or I'm on the phone. You can go and get your toy or I cannot play with you right now. Like, just acceptable things. It's not life-threatening things. But wait and teach her to wait. And I had to learn about myself. It's okay to say no. It's okay to, like, I had to unpack why I was feeling bad. Why I couldn't say no to her and my sister. I tell you what, she will be available. She has counseled many people. Eventually, we will get her on and you guys can ask questions through our emails if you're just wanting to unpack. She is such an amazing unpacker. I'm a process person. She helps you like line all the dots and help you just frame what you're going through and the reasons why. And she's a great listener. So having her with me, I had to practice even just saying the word N-O. And if you looked at my outside of being a parent in other areas, I didn't say no. to many things, like boundaries. I said yes to a lot of things, which was making me tired before I had Olivia. So I just brought all of that stuff into parenting. I mean, I'm great at other things, but I was just learning more about myself, and that's what I love about my daughter. So one of those things I learned that worked for our family is that When she needed a timeout, we would sit her on the steps and I'll be at an arm's length. And then depending on what the situation was, she could be on the steps for like 10 seconds, 20 seconds or more. I don't know what would be extreme for us for her to be on there for two minutes because she didn't really. But it got so funny. I got so used to it. And she did not like sitting on the step. I mean, at first she was a struggle. She was like, why am I sitting on the step? It was hilarious. She got so used to it after a while because I started timing her out a bit too much. She'd be like, time out.

UNKNOWN: 8:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 8:22

And I didn't even reason why, like why she's having a timeout. I was like, this timeout is great. And then I was telling my sister, she was like, oh, we'll call each other. So where's Olivia? She's timeout. And then I'll tell her why. And then she started hearing that I timeout her a lot. Like I started timing her. So much Olivia would like, I would tell her, hey, do not fall out. Fall asleep. Do not lie down. I want you to sit up straight. Because now Olivia's enjoying to have time out. She's like, oh, I get to have quiet time. Do not do anything. After a while, she's like, mommy's going to time me out for anything. And it was so hilarious now that I think about it. So when I talked to my sister, she gave me such good advice. She said, for me, I want to... discipline her and the way you're using time out, but I don't want to break her spirit. Like you, you discipline, you teach them out of love. You're doing the action in love. You're not angry when you're doing it. You're doing this. And like you come across in a calm as best as you can. There's going to be moments where I think I'm not yelling, but yes, Olivia, now she says you're yelling. And I'm like, this is not yelling that there's interpretation for you. And so having another adult and just like she, when I would time out Olivia, I think there was one time where I would call my sister again and I said, hey, I want to time her out for this. And this is what my process of thought is. Like, am I in the right space? Is this right? You're thinking, oh my goodness, are you extreme or wow? Or you might be saying, I don't have another friend to call. Like you're saying about your sister and I get it, but I was just saying for me, what I learned during these times, during these tantrums is that I had to understand just with my sister's help, what is she trying to communicate to me through the noise? What am I missing? Can I hear her heart? Is my heart open to receive what she's trying to say? Because right now she doesn't have all her words. Yes, she's using words as in through crying, through body language. Maybe she was kicking. She doesn't. But she's frustrated. What is she frustrated about? And I really had to slow myself down. I mean, slow myself down like, okay, hold on a minute. Just take a breather. What's really going on? Am I frustrated because am I more tired once again? Or am I more embarrassed because we're at a public place and people might judge me because now she's upset and she's crying really loud and she's not listening. So I really had to... really learn to walk that through some days were good right and some days are better as I got like using that process for me so I started to notice when I was more aware when she was frustrated and she is trying to find the words or trying to like point to something or saying like she's tired she's And I know she's tired, but she doesn't have a nap. Or she's hungry, but she's tired. Or she has a sore tummy. Or she's just missing her father. Or she's missing me. I was like, oh my goodness, trying to understand her to understand me to go through this process. What a hot mess. Can't I just time her out? And my sister, she's only like, you could. But, you know, you want to learn about her more now and walk through this process as you're learning more about yourself. And so it had made me going through those moments when she was, you know, a toddler really helped me to understand, huh, I wonder if because I do this with her, do I do this with my husband? When he's annoyed, what's really going on? Is he annoyed because one, did I do it? Did he do it? What are the other factors involved? I'm trying to really see different perspectives. Now with Olivia, because I put that time in, I started to notice I didn't give her time out Really wasn't a thing. Like there was less time out. And then I would give her choices. Now you know your child. For Olivia. Her. It was either. You have a choice. If I was asking her to pick up her toy. I say you can pick up your toy. Or. You can do this. Like I will. For example. We won't. I don't know. You won't have dessert, for example, something like that. I always try and match the, what do you call it, the consequences. I mean, I wouldn't do, like, to the situation. Like, I don't want to go, like, try and make sure it fit the situation. So I had to learn that too. What is... At that stage, when she was two or three, I wish she could understand it as best as she could. And then after doing that, talk calmly to her why, even though she may not understand it. But trying to let her see that, yes, mummy is not happy right now because I'm trying to show her, man, And I'm trying to get the best words out as best as possible, but not talk too long. The reasons why, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so what I learned about myself is, which I'm still learning, is when she's frustrated, I first ask, what is really going on? Is this really about me? And two, I know what she's saying. I hear it. But is there anything that I'm really missing? You know, when people say things, but you look at the whole picture, like what's really going on? What's the, is it reading between the lines? Like what's really going on? And then is it because they feel this way? So when she started having different feelings, I'd say, are you happy? Are you sad? Are you frustrated? Are you annoyed? Because, and I always try to explain the situation. Are you annoyed at me because I did not give you enough time to finish the project? Or are you upset because you wanted to eat that donut because mommy ate hers? And you didn't finish. So when I spoke to her, I tried to explain it as quickly to her and giving her the words so she can express it. Like, yes. And so now she's very good when she is upset. She'll be specific.

UNKNOWN: 16:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 16:38

of how I frustrated her. So there'll be no guessing. Sometimes it's guessing like you actually pinpoint the moment. There's really nothing behind the curtain. You're just telling me, this is it. This is what you did. And so I like that because I try to speak to her and give her words. And then me... it gave me a more awareness of myself, how I come across to her. And the funny thing is, the more I did that with Olivia, I tried to do that with myself. I tried to, when I'm frustrated, I tried to, and I wanted a discipline, I had to ask myself, what is really going on with myself? Am I angry? Frustrated because I didn't get enough sleep last night because I was doing the laundry, the dishes, cleaning the room. And I just want to sit down and eat and have someone rub my feet. Or is it because I miss my family? Because I live in America and I miss my family in New Zealand. And I just didn't have enough time to talk to my siblings. And I really wanted to just connect with someone, an adult. So that's trying to look at my day or week, a few days, what's really going on with my soul. And I love that, that I learned a lot about during those times. So I had quite a few people say, oh my goodness, the terrible toes. And I said, no, no. It was not the terrible tours. It was the terrific tours, and I truly can say that. Terrific tours, because I learned a lot about myself with my sister's help. And I hope that you have a friend, for those who are just entering in that toddler stage, and you're finding your way to how to deal with frustrations, your toddler's crying, your toddler's frustrated, your toddler won't go to sleep, they don't like your cooking, they don't like vegetables, or maybe they do like vegetables and they love to play outside, or they want to go to grandma's all the time. You're going to find your rhythm and work with your where you're at and also I hope you get the support find the support and if you say I don't have anyone you have this podcast send in a story share share your parenting stories I mean oh my goodness my parenting stories look you've been listening to me for some time you know That I am doing the best I can. With the resources I have. With the time that's given. And every now and then. I'm going to fall asleep.

UNKNOWN: 19:47

When I parent.

SPEAKER_00: 19:49

And really what helped. I still keep this. When she slept. I slept. Now some people I know. Some moms you're listening to me. When my baby. When my child was sleeping. I did housework. But that just was not me. No. When she slept. I slept. And I was really thankful that she did enjoy her naps. But as she started to grow up and not in the toddler stage... You know, she didn't sleep as much. And I'm like, oh, what happened to sleeping? And now she does not like taking naps. But me, oh, I love taking naps. I tell you what, if there's someone who's like, what's the secret of having naps? I would say, I don't know what it is, but oh, I used to say, and I would do this with Olivia, because I read it some book, like, just relax your body, but I would literally say, goodnight toes, and I'll say goodbye to my goodnight toes, and I'll say, goodnight toes, you know, just get them relaxed, lying down in bed, and I'll say, goodnight ankles, and I'm telling my body, telling myself, goodnight ankles, and then I'll be like, goodnight calves, like, And I would teach that to Olivia, like each part of my body, I would say, good night, good night. And I think sometimes Olivia would be like, okay, ma'am, you don't have to say every part of your body. I'm like, good night waist, good night fingers. And I go all the way up to the head and I told each part, the main parts of my body, it is time to sleep. And I think I've done that enough now where I just look at everything and I'm like, good night. But now I'm entering pre-menopause, I think they all started to wake up. I hope that this episode, tantrums, toddler tantrums, that you learn more about yourself, discover something new. Maybe when they throw a tantrum, I mean, I think adults throw a tantrum too, just because interpretation of what the tantrum is maybe it's the rolling of the eyes for adults or maybe a tantrum for someone is like no I'm just not going to do the dishes but if you can share with someone then I really encourage you to do it because it is when you are at this stage because I was a stay-at-home mom full-time I just picked up the phone and I picked up the phone if I could not get a hold of my sister because my husband, he's working full time and it wasn't always convenient for me to talk to him because he couldn't always stay on the phone. So I had key people I can talk to for help. And also there are people I could go to, like I could drive with Olivia and we can go and visit them if it got too much. So I had my... grandma, my husband, his grandma, she lived not too far from us. When Olivia, when it got too much for us, I would just say, call, say, hey, I'm coming over. I just need a break. And that was one, you know, I was so happy that my in-laws and my grandparents were always there. I could just pop in and just say, I come over. And they were always kind of going, you can leave Olivia and go. And I was like, 99% of the time, I just wanted to stay there and go to sleep. So they would just mind her and take care of her. Or they would just give me like a hot cup of tea. They'll give me a coffee and something sweet to eat. And they'll just talk. And I'm sure I was crying, always crying and just saying, I don't know if I'm doing it right. She's frustrated. I'm not sure if she's got a tummy ache. Not sure if she's tired. I'm just not sure. So that's another thing I would encourage to have people to build community around you. Now, it's not always going to be easy because you might be, you might have moved into a new community and you don't know anyone. You're like, excuse me, I don't know anyone. And it's just myself and I, myself and my child, my toddler here. And how's it going to work? One, I always recommend this. If there's a local church and they love Jesus, I would say check them out. How do you know? You just get that vibe in your heart. Go to a local church. Go to a library. And just at least you can go somewhere that you can love. Just maybe change the scenery. Or if you say, well, you know, I don't have a local church that's close by or I don't have like a library. Can you go outside and just sit outside with your child that is safe? Because depending where you are, you might live in certain areas like, oh, well, there's a busy road. So that would not be good for us. Okay. Well, try to find somewhere that you can go. Move out of that situation that you can go to maybe, I don't know, a shopping mall, a shopping place, somewhere where you can just like have some. If you cannot go to a next door neighbor or go visit a family friend, can they come to you? That might be something too. So you might have a buddy, you know, another female friend, someone who's close, who's very good in these situations. You want someone that's going to give you encouragement. This is not the time for your friend telling you what you should be doing. No, this is a friend or a family member that just loves on you, loves on you as you're going through this, you know, stage with your toddler. And so that way you get get the rest that you need. And also for your friend or that family member to keep telling you, you are an amazing mum. You're doing the best you can with the time that's given, with the resources you have. I mean, hello! You are, and I hope you are truly telling yourself that. Because learning about yourself is a It's an ongoing process. You are learning about yourself as you're learning about someone else. You are learning and you are really taking the time of how you process, how you love on yourself, and also how you love on your child. And you're really digging deep. You're digging into those heart questions. And you're taking the time to ask them and you want to get to know them and you want to help them. You want to, you know, really encourage them to be the best that they can be. And then, you know, your personality and their personality. It takes a long time. Oh, my goodness. I'm still learning about myself in this stage. Each stage is so different. Or maybe your child is a lot older. You're like, well, my child is like 10 or 11. Okay, my child right now, she's eight. And that's an interesting stage. I'm really learning a lot about my stage because I'm in pre-menopause stage. So I told my husband, oh, wow. Wow. You're the best husband. So once again, I really want you to remember that you are the best wife for your husband. You are doing the best you can with the time that's given, with the resources you have. And take care. Love on yourself. Tell yourself how awesome you am. Absolutely. You know, don't, I mean, I really encourage you to say when you wake up in the morning, you're welcome. To everybody, you're welcome. Try it. You're welcome. They're like, what for? Because I'm here and I love you. So I just want to say thank you to my listeners. Thank you for supporting and listening to this podcast. And I want to give a shout out to my listener in Watago, Connecticut. and Bristol, Connecticut, New Britain, Connecticut, and Reading, Reading, Ocala, Florida, Petaling, Jaya, and Salagon, I hope I got that right, and over Hampshire, Camarillo, Tokyo, and Chi... Shawnigan Lake in British Columbia and those cities are from United States, United Kingdom, Malaysia, Japan and Canada. I want to say thank you all so much for supporting. Please, I would love to hear from you. If you want to send me a text through the fan mail, please do and I'm really excited about the Mom and Daughter Icebreaker series. These to help you start the conversation. And that will be coming out soon. So if you are interested in wanting more information, let me know. Send it through fan mail or send it through my email and my bio and I will give you more information about that. Thank you for listening to the Family of One Child podcast. This is for Comet. I will meet you in the next episode. Bye.