Stuck in Helper Mode

As a mom of an only child, I’ve often found myself doing things for my 8-year-old daughter that she’s fully capable of doing on her own, like making lunch, getting dressed, or putting away her clothes. In this episode of The Family of One Child, I reflect on what it looks like now that I’m aware of my “helper mode” tendencies, and how I’m learning to gently step back so she can step up.

I also share how reading our period book together sparked even more meaningful conversations, filled with curiosity, honesty, and connection.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in helper mode or wondered how to open sensitive conversations with your child, this episode is for you.

Transcript

UNKNOWN: 0:00

Bye.

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Hi amazing Only Child Mums, I'm 4 Comment, your part-time working mum friend who loves Yahweh, family and fun. Welcome to the family of one where we share joys and adventures of raising an only child. Expect relatable stories, parenting laughs and faithful tips. Let's make small family life enjoyable. Hi and welcome back. Okay, so today's topic... I wanted to talk about, are you in helper mode still? Because I just realized I'm still, in some areas, being a mother of an only child, I'm still in the helper mode. Which clearly, in certain things, I do not need to be stuck in the helper mode. For example... I remember when, I think it was when Olivia was five years old, her and I went to a garden camp. Now this camp was an overnight, it was a two day camp and there was one sleepover. And so there were quite a few kids and three adults, including myself. And come to the evening, you know, the kids are getting, they had so many fun activities. Fun, like they are planting, learning about the garden. They had a vegetable garden at the location where we were at. And so the kids were learning about the different vegetables and they picked certain vegetables and they made a salad and everything. It was just a really fun camp. And then the times they had, it was during the summer. And so then they had this like a water balloon activity where it was just amazing. So during that time, and I was still getting Olivia's clothes ready for her, helping her get dressed. And hello. And I mean, hello. When I came to get dressed in her swimming, you know, gears, you know, she grabbed her clothes, her swim trunks, her swimming togs. And she was like, I don't need you, ma'am. I can do it myself. And I was like, what? You can do it yourself. She goes, oh, yeah, ma'am. Fine. And she just took off with the other girls because they were going to the changing rooms. And she got. dressed in her togs, in her swim gear. And then she came out and I thought, you can do that on your own? Since when? Since when? Because all this time, I mean, I have been helping you get dressed when it was time for swimming prior to that and other activities. When did that happen? And she just smiled at me. She's like, I can do it myself. And then fast forward to other moments. So once again, you think I would have learned by now. Like in other moments, for example, after having a shower, I would, yes, give her her towel, get her clothes ready, make sure everything is lovely. And this is just me. I'm still in helper mode. And then one, I think it was like a few days ago, I wasn't feeling well. And I was like, okay, you just need to do it yourself. And she was like, okay. So, hello. Hello. Now, you're either saying, oh, my goodness, for, come on, my daughter's a lot younger, and she could do that herself. Or you might be thinking, oh, my goodness, I'm in helper mode, too. I've been doing a lot of things for my child. Or maybe you're like, I don't know if they can do that.

UNKNOWN: 4:11

Right?

SPEAKER_00: 4:11

But clearly, my daughter could do this, and she was taking advantage of my helper mode, of my helper mode button. So I wanted to talk about that. I'm wondering, as you're listening, as your child is growing up, because I can't talk more than eight years old because I only have experience from one to eight, I notice in different seasons, I'm holding on to the helper modes where she can She can really do things for herself. She can make lunch. She can make her lunches. She can get a snack for herself. She can make toast, even do the laundry, because I know I've showed it. And she can vacuum. I got her a vacuum, which she's able to change the vacuum. We don't have a vacuum. it's a bagless vacuum. So I got it. I took her shopping and I make sure she could, I got to Walmart and I think it was like, it was a cheap vacuum, but it was easy enough for her to, um, undo the cord, plug it in, vacuum, empty it out. And then, you know, start vacuuming. And I recorded that and I put that on YouTube. I talked about that. I think she was like five years old. I was like, Oh my goodness. And so, um, I sometimes have these moments and I think I notice when I really think about it, why am I in helper mode? It's either it's just easier doing it myself because I'm in a rush and I want to get it over and done with and I want her to hurry along to do the next thing. Or I'm like, oh, it's just easier if I do it again because then I know it's done already. the way I want to do it. Like if she's making her lunch and she's going somewhere, I'm thinking, did you put vegetables in there? Do you have some fruit or is it all just candy? I don't know. You know, at least I need to supervise at some point. But in other situations, I'm like, how many times have I been on helper mode? Because my fault, she's a child, I'm the adult. How long have I been on helper mode? And she's taking advantage of it. And she's like, yeah, I can do it myself, mommy. I don't need you. Or maybe I was thinking, well, you know, she's my only child and I don't mind being in helper mode sometimes. I want to feel needed. And then I was thinking, hang on a minute. Who else have I been helper mode for? My husband. I'm sure there's lots of things that he could do himself. One day I should get him on here and I'd be like, hey, maybe I've been in helper mode too long for the laundry. Like you and Olivia can put your own clothes away. And he'll probably say, you know what? I think is that he like he probably thinks no one puts the laundry away for some time because you take it out of the you know the dryer and then depending on my mood I'll just leave it in the basket and I'll say okay your clothes are in there but just dig it out and then put it back in the basket I don't know but I'm wondering to with helper mode. And because I was talking to some coworkers and they have multiple children, one of them, and she has multiple grandchildren. And so she was saying her eight-year-old and her six-year-old grandchildren, you know, they do a lot of things for themselves. You know, they're very independent. And I'm thinking, I wonder if the dynamics are different. Like if you have a– I know with me when I was growing up, I had siblings. And so my sister that was closer to my age, you know, we're three years apart. I have five siblings, but the one who closer to my age when we were growing up, I just noticed I just followed her and she helped me do things and the older ones would look after me. So they were always there to supervise the older sister sibling. And so I just had, I always had guidance, but with an only child, I wonder, I just, because I had I always had someone show me things and do things, being the youngest of five siblings. I just naturally just stay in helper mode. Like I just stick with it, even though knowing very well she can do things for herself very easily and it's okay and it's safe for her to do these things that I'm asking her to do. And so I was thinking, huh, that would be good to talk about in this podcast. Are you stuck in helper mode with your child? Or it doesn't bother you? And sometimes it doesn't bother me. But in other cases, I'm like, you know what? Helper mode is really need to, I need to pause that button on helper mode for her. And because it's good for her to know how to do these things. One, promotes health. Meaning, I tell her, everybody is contributing and our family, you know, our family will help each other. We all have our own things. We all have responsibilities. And so when we come home, like we put our dishes in the dishwasher or in the sink, when we finish eating, we say thank you. You make your bed. You do things like that because that's part of our family. We all help each other. We don't just come in. You know, it's not a hotel where you can– well, I don't know because, you know, when you go to the hotel, do you put your towels on the floor for when you finish using it in a nice pile or do you just spread it out? I don't know. I mean, it's your business. You're on vacation. But I'm just saying, yes. So I just started to notice more that I need to be aware of of that helper mode, which is, it's a good thing. It's a good character building as well. And then it teaches her to be responsible as well, which is great. And another thing too, I noticed as she's growing and getting older, when I, I created that, the period book, the mom and daughter book, icebreaker period book and I talked about that in episode 10 season 3 so that wasn't too long ago Since then, and if you're wondering what period book, well, I wanted to bring up the topic period for her in a gentle way. I had been looking for a book for the longest time, and I say longest, it's been about at least three to five months. For me, that's long. I've been looking and I went to different shops, I looked online, and I wanted to create a conversation about like a quick icebreaker. I didn't want to go into detail about sex. I didn't want to go into detail about the body or what's going on in detail. I didn't want to have any certain graphic images. I just wanted to introduce it in a gentle, gentle icebreaker way. So I, you know, I'd been looking and then I realized, you know what, I'm just going to create a book for her and I to read together a short book. And ever since then, and she's also, you know, she loves animals, especially horses. And so when I created this book for her, I had put images of things that she was interested in. So as she was reading, you know, visually she'll be engaged and she could relate to what was going on. going on and being said throughout the book. And since reading that book to her or since her reading that book to me, she has asked more questions. And that was the goal. I mean, we did talk about the book. We talked about the period. We talked about why do we have periods. But it was her, she's asking more questions about it. Like, she'll be curious. I got my period last week. I know that's a lot of TMI. Too much information. Okay. So, and, you know, I have all these products, pads, tampons, a variety of products in my drawer in the bathroom. And she goes, oh, mom, you know. are these, what are these called? And she goes, are these tampons? And I said, yeah. And she was like, okay, so what about pads? And then she sees the different sizes that I have. And so she's asking me questions about these products. And I really enjoyed that because she engaged with me first. She knew me. Like when I said, oh, I got my period, she goes, oh, blood's coming out of you. Okay, she didn't say it like that. But she's like, oh, yeah, mom. Are you okay? Do you need a nap? Because, you know, in the book I said, you might need a nap because I could relate to nap. Or you might get a sore tummy or a little bit of headache. So she asked me if I was okay. And so that's what I love about it. And then I open up to other questions about, you know, the body. And that was the goal. I want her to, and I, to have an open conversation. And it's a continued open conversation. And isn't that great? When your daughter is coming to you and they're, I mean, because look, there's lots of influences out there. There's, you know, you've got your friends, right? They have their friends and they've got the YouTube. And if you're not on YouTube, I mean, they've got books. I mean, just a lot of, you know, things available for them. But for me, I just wanted Olivia to at least be considered to be her number one, her and her father to come and ask for these questions and it to be an open, continued question. I mean, an open conversation. So I so enjoyed her asking questions. And now I can say, oh, mommy's got her period. Because, you know, before the book, I didn't tell her when I had my period. And maybe you're listening to this, you're thinking, you know, I'm way ahead of you. I talked about my period when my daughter was, you know, before she was eight. And that is awesome. But for me, I just wanted to... For me, it just felt right for me to create a book for her. And the good news is I have created a generic version of this book. So if you are interested and you said, huh, you created a generic version, I would love to see what that looks like. I'm curious. You know, I put my hands up, like hands up. Yeah, that's me. I will put a link at the bottom, and so you can just answer a few questions and see if this is for you or not, but that would be wonderful. And then so with other topics as well, I'm going to be writing. Since she asked a lot of questions about the body, different parts, why is this, why is that, and then I was talking to another friend, and she was like, man, my body, daughters are teenagers now this would have been good for me back then because I didn't I didn't know what else to say and she bought a book online that was more detailed but she said this would have been good for her and then I talked to other I talked to grandparents I mean my mom did the best she can with the resources that was given I don't think she even you know mentioned the word period until I was an adult oh probably probably When I was at least like 15 or 16, so I wasn't an adult. But other topics related to that, we didn't talk about it. It's just the way that she felt comfortable. So that's why I wanted to create these icebreaker books for those moms that are just like me. You know, we just need a little bit of guidance, just a little bit of a gentle nudge in the direction that we want to go and take this conversation. And the rest, it's fine. So if you're like me and thinking, I think that might be me. That sounds interesting. I want to just go to the link. Or maybe you're like, I'm good. It's all good. So getting back, getting back to the Harper mode, what I was thinking as well, you know, it frees up more time for me to do other things. For example, now that I know and I'm being more aware of she can do this, like she can get herself dressed. She can pick your own clothes. She can brush your hair. And, you know, I guess the first time, the first time where she could, like, she didn't need me to comb her hair anymore. Every now and then she'll say, can you comb my hair? But I've noticed now there are just some things that she's like, I can do it myself. I think that first time I was like, oh, she's growing up too quick. She won't need me anymore. I'm like, maybe like, I'm happy, but I'm sad. I'm wondering if you feel like that too. You're like, nope, I celebrated. I moved on with other things. But this is what I noticed. As I'm starting to let go of the Harper mode, I don't know, maybe I'll come up with another name for it, but the Harper mode, I'm open to having other conversations of things that Maybe she'll need my input in, for example. I notice with certain, she really enjoys different perfumes and lip gloss, and she'll know the brand. Like, we'll go to different shops, and she'll be like, oh, mom, this is so-and-so, and this smells really good. You should try that. Now, me, I was not into makeup that much. My makeup... probably just only consisted of a lip balm or maybe just a Vaseline or just a lipstick but it was always someone else's lipstick it's not that I went out of my way as a Well, maybe I think I did. I use makeup because my sisters were good at putting mascara on. They're real good putting makeup on. So I just use their makeup. Or if they did makeup, I would ask them, can you put my makeup on? Because they knew how to apply it. But it wasn't something I would go out of my way to purchase and learn about it. I mean, I remember one time, oh my goodness, a few years ago. Well, actually, this is way before. So it must have been before I had Olivia, nine years ago. I tried to put fake eyelashes on my eye. I Googled it. I went on YouTube. And this is how ridiculous it was. I put one eyelash on my eye for one hour. And then I tried to do the other one for the other. That was two hours each. And the result was not good. I mean, I'm so glad I can still open my eyes up to it today. I don't know if I had the... I don't know what I was doing to the globe, but I was sweating. And I was like, this is taking like one hour to do one eye. And then I got to do the other eye. Like, oh my goodness, I just do not have time. And then I remembered, I didn't know the different types of eyelashes. Even though there was plenty of information, I'm sure, at that time about different eyelashes, you can Google. I mean, you can go on YouTube. Well, I think I finally got someone else. I got my niece to put eyelashes on my eyes. But hello, I wear glasses. And so when she put them on, and they were way too long for me. At the time, I didn't know. And then I put my glasses on. I... it touched the lens. And so either I couldn't blink because it was just like, oh my goodness, it's like right up there, or I had to take my glasses off. Well, when I took my glasses off, I couldn't see a thing, but my eyelashes look really nice. So I took those eyelashes off. So what's the point of this conversation? The point is, is that I'm learning a lot as my child is growing up. And I hope you are too. In the different seasons and the different conversations and the interests, I'm starting to learn. Okay, so Olivia doesn't put on eyelashes, thank goodness, because that is just not me right now. Learning about different, you know, the perfume brands. I mean, right now we're going through I don't know what it's called, the different numbers. There's a 48, 68, 75. I mean, I don't know. I just spray it because it's really nice. And then people compliment me and they say, oh, you smell nice. And I think, thank you. But my daughter pricks the perfumes because she has a good sense for makeup and smells. Or she'll shout at me, mom, this lip gloss is really nice. I'm like, oh, this is really nice. And the color or the blush. I mean... hello, I feel like I'm a teenager again. And I wonder with your child being of this age and there's things that you didn't do, but your child is teaching you things. She teaches me a lot about the just different brands, honestly, and it's hilarious. So I love it. So we buy it, we share it. And I just think it's so, so funny. So I hope that encourages you to, There are three things. One, you are still learning about your child and the different seasons and have fun with it. Two, if you're still in helper mode and you want to say and you're thinking, you know what? I think my child is able to do this. I don't need to be in helper mode. I don't need to be stuck in there. How about I have a go at it? Let them do it depending on what it is and it's safe. Like, yeah, they can do that by themselves with success. And, you know, you give them the time that they need. Wonderful. And then three, with the book, if you're interested and you want to know more about the generic period book, I'm going to call them mom and daughter icebreakers. Once again, go to the link and check it out, fill out the questions. And so I just want to say, you are doing the best you can with the time that's given, with the resources you have. I tell you what, I told myself that with someone else today as well. I say, look, I am doing the best I can because when I think about my parents, And even though I had siblings, I had to remind myself they did the best they could with the resources they had in the community that they were, you know, in with, you know, what was going on. So, so are you. It's a lot for, and depending on what season you are, you could be in the toddler season or the teenage or just like me, I didn't even know what the eight-year-old was. They're not really twins, are they? I don't know. But maybe you've had a lot of sleep. Maybe you have had none today. But I just want to say thank you very much for listening. I mean, I appreciate it. So I just want to give a shout out to my listeners who are listening to the last episode. Uh, thank you so much for supporting my channel, the family of one podcast to, uh, my listener in Connecticut and Watego and my listener in Maldives and Male Male. I just want to say thank you so much. Uh, I'll give a shout out to you too, uh, for listening to the last episode, uh, And also to the other listeners, if you're listening after I record this, thank you so much. And so if you were interested, wanting to send me an email please send an email at joyforgathers at hotmail.com that's joyforgathers at hotmail.com and I would love to reply back or you can just send me a text through this the BuzzFeed fan mail just send me a text thank you again you are amazing and you're doing the best you can with the time that's given with the resources you have take care this is for your friend, and I'll meet you in the next episode. Bye.