Growing Together: My Daughter’s Friendship Journey

In Episode 20, I talk about supporting my 8-year-old as she learns to build different friendships, and how I’m learning too. Navigating childhood connections isn’t always easy, but being present through the highs and lows makes all the difference.

Transcript

UNKNOWN: 0:00

Bye.

SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Hi amazing Only Child Mums, I'm 4 Comment, your part-time working mum friend who loves Yahweh, family and fun. Welcome to the family of one where we share joys and adventures of raising an only child. Expect relatable stories, parenting laughs and faithful tips. Let's make small family life enjoyable. Hi and welcome back to the family of one child podcast. I am so glad you're joining. Today we are talking about friends. Why can't we be friends? And friendships. So friends and friendships. The reason why I want to talk about this topic is because... So my daughter is eight years old and building friendships. Now I tell you what, growing up, see I had... I had siblings. So I was the youngest of five. The closest sister to me in age was three years old. So I would always hang around with her. My oldest siblings, the one who, the second oldest, she pretty much raised me. And so, you know, I always had siblings, older siblings around me. And I... It was from, I had lots of cousins who are similar my age. I mean, so, you know, having, building friendships, I didn't really feel alone growing up. We just had a lot of people. But having an only child, I started to notice as she was growing up, you know, and we're doing different activities. That she has to obviously form her own friendships as you do as you get older. But, you know, what I'm trying to say is I wondered if it was different in some ways. Because like when you go to church or when you go to an activity or even school or going to the park, I always had my sibling with me who was three years older. Or I had an older sibling looking after me. But with my child, so I had someone similar my age I got to play with. But my child, you know, being an only child, you know, it's not like, oh, yeah, you can go and get your sibling or so-and-so to go and play with you. You have to, she has to form those relationships and learn how to navigate with other children. You want to play with me or someone invite her, something like that. And so I started to notice that. Well, that's why I did the little local ventures group and so she can build friendships. But as she's getting older and she's forming her own friendships on her own, which is awesome. Sometimes those friendships, you know, either she's with older kids who are two years older or she's with kids who are the same age or younger. It's really interesting how... She navigates that because, you know, some friendships and she, you know, she's a girl. So I can only speak from girl experiences. It's interesting. I mean, if you're listening, you have a boy. I don't know what it's like for boys to have and you have an only child. and how that works out, building friendships for them. And do they just stick with the same friend? I don't know. I know with girls, with my one at this moment being eight years old, she's just, you know, friends. One minute you're good friends, next minute you're okay friends, and next minute you're good friends. And then some friends just, especially with siblings, it's just different. And so I wanted to talk about that. Like, oh my goodness. So because I am very good at building community and my job is a volunteer coordinator, I was thinking there's no way if I'm building all of this community stuff and yet my child is not really feeling a connection with her own friends. Now, I'm like, man, I really like give her tools to how to deal with when friendships change. Because, you know, I think like all of us, you know, you want to be friends with that person. But for so many reasons, either they move on, they want to be friends with someone else or physically like they have to relocate. They're not going to be in the same town.

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Right.

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Or just different interests, or your child may be like, you know, I don't really want to be friends with them. Or personality-wise, they were awesome, and now they're not, they're great. So what do you do? So I'm thinking to myself, oh, brother. And I start to see the signs, so I start asking other people. I asked some moms with multiple children, and I said, hey, did your child around this age... did they struggle connecting with people, you know, friends, people, other kids their age, and I specifically for a girl right about her age, and she said, yeah, she had five children. I'm like, four. And she was telling me one of them, you know, the other kids were fine, but one of her kids, they really found it a struggle to connect, even when they were at church. She said, she just, it was just difficult to connect because at that time, a lot of kids were really quickly, quickly, Clicky. And she just couldn't fit in the way. And it took her a while, like a long, long time to find the right group. And I think she said not too long when she went to university or college, something like that. But she struggled all throughout the teenage years. And then I thought, holy. And then I asked other parents, and some were– said, oh, yeah, that's why I just get a dog or an animal. Oh, my goodness. Really? But they said it worked for them. And so I asked my husband, and he can tell a story. He said growing up, being an only child, he loved it, but he didn't really bond with other kids his age. It wasn't until later, until he went to university or college, that he found his group of friends. Because, yeah, from church, right about there. I was like, oh, brother. Like, goodness gracious me. So I wonder if it comes down to, I don't know, because I tell Olivia, if you want to have a friend, you've got to be a friend. But I always say be a friend to yourself first. Because once you, I really do believe that. When you tell yourself that, it took me a long time. And I'm like, what? I'm gonna be 50 am I 50 next year I think I'm 50 yeah that and she's only eight so there you go so I'm just I keep reminding her she is an awesome person and we love her and she has good qualities but she's gotta learn to be good to herself first and no matter what age you're at And that way you can give out to others because how you feel about yourself. But I was thinking, man, just this age and to see her just trying to find friendships that is meaningful to her. Because you can have friends. She has people like acquaintances that want to hang out with her, her girlfriends. But because of either interests or just she has other things she's got to do or the connection, she's going to need to spend time with them because she's like, oh, you know, they're really nice. But, you know, for this amount of time, no, or personalities, she's like, oh, it just doesn't work, mommy. So I'm like, wow, I wonder how other moms with an only child deal with this as well. And I met two other moms. I met two other moms. This other mom, I was at work and I got to know her. And I'll tell you about friendships. And then she was like, yeah, I was an only child. Now she has two kids. She goes, I grew up, I was the only child. And I'm totally messed up. And I'm looking at this 35-something-year-old lady. You wouldn't think about that because she looks all put together. And she started laughing. And I was like, messed up. What do you mean? She didn't go into detail what she means by messed up. But I was like, oh, okay then. And she had to go somewhere. And I was thinking, what in the world do you mean by that? And then I met another friend and she said that she's an only child as I got to know her. And she said, oh, she didn't like it. She, you know, being an only child and her parents were totally too focused on her and her story, like, from a different background as well. She's like, yeah, I messed up. I was messed up. I mean, what in the world? But there's only two people, mind you. So I am on the– I tell myself, you know what? I know plenty. I really need to know are there plenty other people out there, adults. It would be interesting to probably have them maybe on the podcast as And I should ask them their story, those who are not messed up to give us hope. I should ask my niece and nephew because they're going on their 30s. And I ask them, can you tell us your version of your childhood and now you're an adult? Would you have children? Or what are the positives about being an only child? I mean... My daughter, she loves being an only child. Yes, there are moments where she says it is difficult because when she's at school and she's in a challenging situation, either she's getting bullied or she just feels like she wishes she could play with someone and, you know, no one wants to play the game. She said, it's just those moments where, mommy, sometimes I wish I had an older sibling because then I could go to someone Or someone can, you know, be with me and I can stick up. But she's formed her own little group, I think, with other little girls, two or three of them. And she said, but it's okay now. We all stick up for each other. I'm like, oh my goodness, that's great, Olivia. Way to go. Good job. And so I thought about that because I didn't have to really do that. I was being, you know, having... Other siblings, like they always, when I went to school, they were always ahead of me. We all went to the same school. I pretty much went to the same elementary they did. I went to the same intermediate, middle school, and high school, college. High school, what we call in New Zealand, college. So I, because they play sports and they're well-known in the school, and they were just, you know, themselves. Awesome kids. When I came along being the youngest, the teachers pretty much knew me because I knew my family. And so I was like, had a pathway of, it was okay. And then I had a sister who was three years older than me. So, you know, she pretty much was there when I first started high school. And as I was just at elementary, I think she just left a few years after, you know, I was with her for a year. Then she moved on to middle school, something like that. So I always had someone there, but with having an only child, you know, she's had to navigate that. And I wondered, and as she's getting older, I'm like, I got good advice. Like, well, I can't solve, you know, parents, whether you have multiple children or an only child, you can't solve all their problems. friendship problems you can only just help and be there to listen and give them good tools but I was thinking what can I do to help you build friendships where she because I you know I'm very extrovert so me and people I'm like woo woo hi hi hi I'm like the buddy hello how are you how are you doing good to see you good to see you good to see you and I'm want to get to know you. And then when I go home, I just want to sleep because that's just me. So, and my daughter, she's more of the introvert. like your dad. And so I thought, well, you know what? I'm good at saying hi to people and I can help her build those friendships until she is more confident and she can reach out to others. And sometimes, you know, she is getting better now. She'll reach out to a kid. You know, she'll go up to them. Sometimes, you know, there's been times when the child doesn't want to play with her. And then sometimes the child does want to play with her. like any parent where their child doesn't want to play with that child, but she's been on the opposite end too. I mean, I've seen children, they want to play with it. She was like, no, thank you. Hey, remember you wanted to play with someone at that time. Now you be that person for someone where they want to play with you. So I've had to teach you the other end as well. It's like, it's nice if a child wants to play with you, then you play with them because you know what that feels like. It's always good to teach both ways. So as I'm sharing about this, I'm thinking, what can I share with people and what I'm going to do to help my child connect and build new friendships at this age? Because she's eight years old. You might be at this age with your child. Maybe you want to share. So first, I go to a local church. And so in order for me to help her, You know, there's things I can volunteer. For example, you know, either teach Sunday school or volunteer on the team and just be a helper, not teacher. And so she can be in the same class as, you know, the students where she can learn to be friends. Now, my sister, she gave me a good idea. She said, you know, I don't have to teach because Last few years, I taught Sunday school for many years. She goes, well, you don't have to teach Sunday school. You can just be a helper or just be a substitute teacher where she can just go to the Sunday school class around kids who are the same age. And I thought, that's a good idea. So there's things like that. Or I could volunteer. There's other things at church. And I say church because there's a lot of kids who are aged. that volunteer she already has she goes to the barn and she meets kids her age and they're all like similar they all love horses so she has a lot of barn friends and then at school she has school friends but outside of that it's very important to her because for me I notice because she has friends at the barn we don't live close to the barn it's an hour away so if Some of her friends do live far away from us. And it's always not convenient for us to go and see them because it's in our way. But, you know, she has some, there are some kids her age that also, they live close by. But we just have not had the, we just haven't built a close relationship with them yet. So now it's time to go back. It's time to go back and build those friendships. Because as she's going to get older, And when you grow up, you know, she's got to go to youth group and it's always good to have friends in different circles. I always think so. Why? Well, why is it? Why could she just not just have barn friends and school friends? Well, here's the thing. For our family, we go to the church and it's really no point. this is where I see it. There's no point for me going to church if I enjoy it and I have my adult friends who are Christians and my husband, he has his friends and our child is going to the same church, same fellowship and she is not connecting with anybody. That just doesn't make sense to me and she doesn't enjoy it. I mean, she enjoys going to church but then she's like, no, I don't want to go and it or come down to because there's no friends, there's no one I really connect, no one I play with. So I'm like, there's no point doing this if she's not enjoying it. And my husband agreed. So I want to tell you that as well. When you go to a place, whether if it's a church or whether if it's activity, just like Little Local Adventures, when I was building that, the field trip group, and I think one time there was a group A few weeks, I was losing my mind because I started helping out other families and making sure their kids were good, their kids were enjoying the event, their kids were getting their attention. And I was really like, not forgetting Olivia, but I started to notice she wasn't enjoying it to the point where she's like, I don't want to go anymore. And then I was talking to my husband and he said, why did you build this? Was it for other children or was it for her? And you want to explore and learn about the community, build friendships, and learn together. You know, learn and grow together and get some friendships where both of you are enjoying it. And I went, oh, yeah. So that's when I started to change my approach. Now, I've always been that. If I'm doing something, what are better for me, I want to make sure that it benefits myself and it benefits my family. If it just benefits myself and my family are not getting anything out of it, bah humbug, I'm not going to continue at that anymore. No matter how awesome it is or no matter how wonderful I end up being, it's just no use. Because what is the point? What is the point doing all of this if my child and husband are miserable? Now, I'm sure there might be some things like, well, hold on a minute. It's all relative. I'm sure there's something like, massage chairs I love if I see a massage chair I want to sit on it now I can sit on it for five I mean I would sit on it for an hour but if I sit in it the whole day every day did nothing I mean that would be amazing but my family be like can you just please get up and come be with us you're just sitting in the whole in that chair for a whole week so I'm sure there's some things within time. But if I'm doing a study or if I'm doing an activity, honestly, that's helping me grow as a person, I always evaluate it as how's it going to benefit my family? Because in order for me to share it and give it to people, I want to give the most what I learned and I'm excited about to my family. I mean, that's how I operate now. Why? because it's all that time i learned about myself it's all that time i i learned growing or building friendships so the more i learn about building friendships the more and there's no point me helping out other people if i'm not going to have my own child out that just doesn't make sense so here's a tip another one so remember try and find something that you can volunteer that You don't have to be there. For example, if it's teaching Sunday school, maybe you can just be a substitute teacher like my sister said. Another one is, what's another one you can do? You can always as well try and maybe join something like an activity around your child's age. I mean, because Olivia has friends who are two years older than her and sometimes conversations, even though she's eight, can be a little bit more fast track like she doesn't need to talk about certain topics when you're 10 or 11 especially when they're talking about stuff like just hold on a minute you're only eight years old you just turned to eight your friends are going on like 11 and 12 totally different conversations sometimes depending on what they're talking about and then three is sometimes you might need to be a friend to a person. You don't really get on well with that, you know, the mom. I mean, but for your child, like, it's more of your child's friend. And the parents, you're okay. I mean, there is some, you know, when Olivia was little, there's some parents, I mean, we didn't really connect, but it was just enough for our child to connect. And we were okay with that. Like the mum and I, we talked, but we only talked and wanted to hang out when the kids want to hang out at the park. So then we picked like a neutral location, like let's meet at the park for them. And we would just talk about really light stuff. And I was okay with that. And she was okay. You kind of get that feeling like, you know, the mum's okay, but we're not like going to meet up for coffee. We're not going to meet up for breakfast. after this, all the times it's her and I, it's just really the friends and I, yeah. So then you might have, I might have to redo that, look at some activities where I go back to that scenario. So I hope you listening to this gives you kind of encouragement that one, building friendships, whether your child is like struggling to connect and if you can help your child to connect, You've got to step up. You've got to step up and step out. And it may be awkward because you might like, oh, my goodness, I am not good with connecting with people myself. Well, you know, I'm just going to say it. Maybe have your husband help. Maybe you've got to have a grandparent that can help. Have someone help the child. The child is way too young. And if you can have an adult who's positive, who's outgoing, that can be the wingman. I think they're called the wingman. It can be that person that brings around other people that is kind. You don't want a person that goes all crazy. Like, I don't want that craziness coming to my life. Find someone or a neighbor that is appropriate, that's good for your family. Get them. because they can bring other people around you. And remember, friendships take time too. As you know personally yourself, as you are building your own friends, and I'm sure you've had to navigate different types of friendships, building friendships for your child is going to be different at different seasons. I know when she was little and now up to eight years old, It's completely different. So I just want to continue on in encouraging you. You can do it. You are doing the best you can with the time and resources that you have. So I want to encourage you. that you are a wonderful mom for your only child and you are a wonderful wife for your husband and what do i always say like you are amazing now when i was talking to the one mom and she was telling me she grew up as an only child the mother at work i was telling her look you are doing the best you can with the time that's given with the resources you have so you know what i hope you see and the things that you are doing. She had told me that she was working on a project. She was able to complete it. And I said, you are doing good. And she has two kids right now, little ones. So I said, I hope you take time. You're able to take time, whatever that is. Maybe treat yourself something nice. I don't know, a cupcake or I don't know, whatever that looks for her. And I said, I just hope you get to celebrate because you're doing the best you can. And she looked at me, she goes, you're right. I said, yes, you are a wonderful mama. And even though she said for her, whatever, that growing up, being an only child, she was messed up. I think the more I talk to her, as I get to know her more and hear her story, because messed up could be so interpreted in different things. I mean, you know, but I'm just saying, when you're hearing this podcast story, I want to let you know that you are doing the best you can. And I hope you don't take, you know, too, I hope you're not hard on yourself because you are a wonderful person. I mean, I tell myself, look, there are things that I could do better. Like people say, you know better, do better. Yeah. And the things that I don't know, like, I don't know. I really don't know about those situations. So once I know and I'm more aware of it, Okay, then yeah, I will do better. But I'm trying not to be so critical of myself. I really am trying to just be a lot kinder and give myself time to like, okay, that didn't work out. But whoopsie daisy, now I know, okay, you're doing the best you can with the time that's given, with the resources you have. Just breathe because you're amazing. and you're learning, and you're growing, and you're helping your child to be the best that they can be in the season they're at. I think that's another one, another tip. All seasons are different, and I'm only at, my child's only eight years old, so I'm sure a few years from now, I will, like, this podcast will be like, well, that's interesting. Well, it could be on this, like, everything's amazing, and the next minute, my podcast is like, my episode is like, whoa, we're here. This is where we are at as a mom. This is where I'm at. So I just want to say thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting and emailing me. I really do appreciate it because you are amazing. Absolutely amazing. To my listeners in Australia, Everson Worcestershire, thank you so much for listening, to Ortega in Connecticut, you're amazing, Chernobyl, Texas, thank you, Ocala, Florida, and Amale Male, thank you, and Alka, Indiana, and also to Redding and Redding. I want to say thank you so much for supporting, sending, Just liking and subscribe at this episode. And thank you for also sharing this. I appreciate you very much. This is for your friend with a mom with an only child. Thank you very much. And remember, you are doing the best you can with the time and resources you have. I will meet you in the next episode. Bye.